The "Great" Australian Shitpost
“I blame Zachattack for this.” - Eric Longtooth, 16/05/18
{=|=|=|=|=}
Twilight wasn’t having a good day.
It was the middle of summer, and, due to some featherbrain mucking up the schedule, it was hot. Really hot.
Unbearably hot, even.
Too hot to move…
Too hot to talk…
Too hot to read books!
It was truly a terrible fate.
Her student, Starlight Glimmer, had left with Trixie to visit Rainbow Falls or something. Probably to escape the heat. Or get laid. Or both.
‘Lucky bitches…’ Twilight pouted, as much as she wished to go with them, she had already used up all her sick days. And holidays. So now she’s stuck on her throne, doing ‘princessly things.’
‘Maybe I should talk to Princess Celestia about turning to fascism… Democracy doesn’t give enough sick days…’ The lavender alicorn pondered, pretending to listen to the pony before her. The pony, on the other hoof, was perfectly fine to complain about the Apple family’s stranglehold on the fruit market. ‘Once Granny Smith hears about this, he’ll just disappear like all the rest. Shame, he’s got a nice flank.’
“-And that’s why pears are the superior fruit!” The stallion concluded, seemingly proud of himself.
Twilight opened her mouth to reply, but she never got the chance. With a great flash of light, the stallion was propelled out the door as a new form was teleported into the room.
This creature was tall, taller than Princess Celestia, it looked like a hairless monkey that somehow got pants.
And only pants.
Without hair to cover it, Twilight was graced with the view of heavily toned abs and what seemed like mammaries. Across the left breast, a deep scar marrs the creature's skin, and, paired with the necklace of teeth, Twilight expects this… mare? To be a warrior of sorts. But, the most confusing of all, it’s muscle structure gives the impression of it being a stallion, although the mammaries are definitely a sign of a female.
But before any more observations could be taken, the creature slumped over. Asleep.
Twilight was going to have a good day.
{=|=|=|[Murphy Banjo VIII]|=|=|=}
Murphy was having a good day.
The shrimp was on the barbie(1), the Sheilas(2) where having a good time, and his mates(3) had cracked out the cold ones(4). It was fookin’ struth(5) mate.
The blistering heat was chill for once, it was only a mild 40(6), so the cobbers(3) gathered for a cuppa(7). Even the dropbears(8) had buggered off(9) and left them to their fun for once.
It was a good day.
Until it wasn’t.
A big ass horse motherfucker descended from the sky, white fur, red mane, with wings and a horn. It blasted Murphy’s mates, turning them to ash.
And then it pissed him off. (15)
“YA’ FOOKIN’ GALAH! YA’ CAN’T JUST NICK MAH’ MATES! I’LL FOOKIN’ JOB YA’ BITCH ASS FACE!”(10) Murphy cried, drawing his smallish knife. He left his main one at the outback(11), so he’d have to make do with this meter and a half shanker(12).
Channeling all of his years fighting off the fucking dingos(13) to leap up and bat the ratbag(14) out of the air. Causing it to crash into the bush(16) like the ropable(17) shonky(18) wobbly(19) whinging(20) wog(21) it was.
Before the dipshit could get up again, he charged it with his knife, ready to rough it up worse than a kangaroo(22) in a prang(23). Unfortunately, it was able to use it’s fookin’ shonky(18) wog(21) bullshit to teleport him or something.
That and make him zonked(24).
Yeaaaah. Sleep now.
{=|=|=|[Twilight Sparkle]|=|=|=}
As the creature slowly woke up from his sleep, Twilight proceeded to prepare any and all writing implements necessary for the encounter. Although Trixie took Spike with her, Twilight was a princess and she could handle a first contact with the first alien to ever come to Equestria.
And Princess Celestia will hear about it.
…
After the fact.
…
Maybe.
ANYWAY! As she organised both her thoughts (that liked to speak in third person so she can pretend to be in a book.) and her papers, she ran through all the scenarios in her head. She had a translation spell on quick dial, she had enough ink to write a few hundred essays, she even had a few spare quills! How organised she is, she praised in third person.
She is perfectly mentally stable. She was sure, the voices said so.
“Wah… Did ah’ ‘ave too many tinnies(25) again?” The creature muttered, attempting to run it’s hand across its face before it noticed that it couldn’t reach that far. Because Twilight thought of that, she always did, and had chained him to a chair. In her basement.
There was no way this could cause a diplomatic incident. Ever.
“Da’ fook are ya’ horsie? What bloody ocker(26) painted ya’ those weird ass colours?” The creature muttered, ignoring Twilight’s amazing cuffs of plus five holding.
“I am Twilight Sparkle. I’m an Alicorn Princess of Equestria. Who are you?” Twilight replied with her amazing smile of infinite diplomacy(27).
“Huh. Ya’ talk.” The creature muttered, confused. “Well, ah’ must’ve cooked tha’ damper(28) wrong…”
Before Twilight could ask any questions, the creature continued. “Ah’m Murphy Banjo tha’ eighth, son of tha’ greatest emu(29) ‘unter evah’ to grace tha’ outback(11).”
“Aaalright then. Next question, what’s an ‘emu’ and why do you hunt them?” Twilight asked, interested. She almost regretted it when Murphy gained the ‘faraway’ look some of the guard get when they come off active duty. Almost.
“Tha’ emus… they’re the greatest threat ever to exist. Tha’ ‘ate our guts an’ are tough chunce(30). Abl’ ah takin’ ‘own tha’ toughest a’ hunters with ease. We’ve waged war against ‘em for years.” Murphy muttered, a tear in his eye. “They killed mah’ father an’ ‘is father before ‘im, ah was gonna ‘ead to tha’ front in ah few days. Ah’d trained mah’ ‘ole life ta’ fight em’, an for once, for once we ‘ad a chance. We gained the trust of tha’ Roo’s(31), an we were gonna strike em’ where it ‘urt. Gon’ take ‘ack tha’ ‘oly land, Sydney.”
“Sydney ‘as tha’ first strike, an’ tha’ last. They took it first, laid tha’ roosts and ‘ade tha’ frontline. There ‘as many a’ battle on that land, many Ozzies(32) lost their lives trying ta’ take it back.” The creature continued, his eyes glazed over. “But now… now we’d take it. Tha’ bloody emus would fall before us, an’ we’d be free. Free of their fookin’ bullshit.”
“Sooo….” Twilight murmured, unsure on how to continue.
“Will ya’ ‘elp us?” Murphy asked, not quite pleading but pretty close in Twilights opinion.
“Let’s go with… nooooo….” Twilight trailed off, “I don’t think the other Princesses would want to go to war after milenia of peace...”
“Kay.”
And with his final words, Murphy Banjo VIII disappeared.
There was no flash of light, no bang, he was just… gone.
And Twilight was back to having a bad day.
THE END.
{Eric’s Guide to Australian}
1: BBQ
2: Chicks/females.
3: Friends, chums, etc.
4: Beers.
5: ‘It was a great time.’
6: 104 degrees fahrenheit.
7: A cup of tea, a gathering for lunch.
8: Koalas. (Don’t piss em’ off, they’ll rip your face off.)
9: Fucked off, left, etc.
10: “You fucking noisy idiot! You can’t just steal my friends! I’ll fucking punch your bitch ass face!”
11: Middle of fuck-all, the middle of Australia.
12: A knife used to stab things.
13: Wild dog looking mofos, commonly steals children and eat them. Or just mauls you to death with all it’s friends whilst you sleep.
14: A (usually) friendly term of abuse.
15: Annoyed
16: It’s a fucking bush. Or a lot of them.
17: Very angry or bad tempered.
18: Unreliable.
19: Disturbing, unpredictable behaviour, temper tantrum.
20: Complaining.
21: Derogatory term for foreigner.
22: A big hoppy mofo that fucks up cars pretty well when you hit them.
23: A car crash.
24: Really tired.
25: Cans of beer.
26: Uncultivated, uncultured, boorish Australian.
27: Patented by Princess Celestia. Please don’t sue me.
28: Bush loaf made from flour and water, cooked in camp oven.
29: Big ass flightless bird thing-tank that hates you.
30: Cunts, evolved form of mate, can be positive or negative depending on context.
31: Kangaroos.
32: Australians.
Author's Note
I don't know.
I really don't know anymore...
