Dashing to Dirty Conclusions

by Huk

Rating: teen
Tags: Sex, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Human, Princess Luna, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Rarity
Length: 8641

Rainbow Dash is fast in everything - including jumping to conclusions and gossiping. One day, she eavesdrops on a rather lewd conversation between Rarity and local human and it goes downhill from there. Then Celestia gets involved...

Rainbow Dash is fast in everything - including jumping to conclusions and gossiping. One day, she eavesdrops on a rather lewd conversation between Rarity and local human and it goes downhill from there. Then Celestia gets involved...

Reviewed (negatively :duck: ) by PresentPerfect:
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/852460/fic-recs-april-5th

Rainbow Dash vector from:
https://www.deviantart.com/dasprid/art/Very-shocked-Rainbow-Dash-449235731

Onomatopeya vector from:
https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/set-of-colorful-comic-speech-bubbles_1256099.htm#term=comic&page=1&position=3

Holy hell! My first ever story that got featured... feels weird. Thanks guys!

Published 2018-08-03 21:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2018-08-03 21:20:01 UTC

Chapter 1

“Argh! What’s with the weather today,” Rainbow said, trying her best to keep level - but the almost gale force wind, gusting through the Ponyville that day was making it tougher than usual.

She was in the air, speeding towards Rarity’s place. The royal sisters were to arrive later that day, and she was helping Twilight, get her castle ready. Right now she needed to retrieve an elegant tablecloth, Twilight gave to Rarity some time ago, to get it fixed – no biggie if it weren’t for the darn wind.

“Finally,” she said as her hooves hit the ground, near Carousel Boutique. “I’ll need to have a word with the new weather ponies – if those featherbrains think they can sleep on the job when I’m not around they better think again!”

Rainbow heaved a heavy sigh and with a little scowl on her face, approached the door only to tilt her head a moment later.

“Closed? At this hour?” she tried gently pushing the handle, but the door didn’t budge. “Great, when Twi hears I didn’t get the cloth she’s gonna get a panic attack, again…” she launched into the air scanning the horizon for Rarity or her sister, but instead, noticed an open window in Sweetie Belle’s room.

For a moment, Rainbow struck a thinking pose, tapping her chin with her right hoof. Snooping through Rarity’s place without her knowing seemed wrong, but it was an emergency! Well, sort of, anyway. She knew neither Celestia nor Luna really cared about all the decor and mushy stuff – but for Twilight everything had to be ‘By The Book!’ As the images of crazy Twi filled her mind - the choice became obvious.

She scanned her surroundings one more time, making sure nopony saw her and flew inside - only to splatter at the room door.

“Ugh… I swear when this is over somepony gonna be out of his comfy weather job-”

A loud sound of something crashing interrupted her grumbling. She opened the door and peeked at the hallway, only to hear another jumble of noises – coming from Rarity’s room. Rainbow’s eyebrow shot up. Huh? What’s going on in there? Just as she finished sneaking in the door, the sounds stopped for a moment, only to turn into something much more sinister…

“Damn it Rarity! I told you we shouldn’t be doing it all over the room,” someone said, but Rainbow Dash couldn’t recognize the voice through the door. “Now the damn place is messy and sticky, all because you can’t control your own pussy!”

Rainbow’s eyes widened, and her jaw dropped so low it almost hit the floor. The next thing she expected, was to see someone flying through the wall, but instead, she heard what sounded like a deep sigh.

“I… apologize. You have no idea how many times I had the same problem when I invited some handsome stallions over for dinner…”

“Hrmph, perhaps we should try it rough instead of gentle? Get that thing over here and let me pound her!”

Rainbow sat there with an incredulous expression on her face, and ear pressed against the door. The one with Rarity was James Gastovski – a local human freak. She knew they were friends, but... not that kind of friends!

“What?! But, that would be so, so-”

“Uncouth – yes, I know…” he chuckled. “OK, forget it - let’s just take a short break instead-“

“OUT OF THE QUESTION!” Rarity protested so loud that Rainbow cringed away from the door for a second. “We are not finished yet!”

“But… Rarity, seriously, we’ve been banging and screwing all night! Even my toy has limits… Just five minutes.”

“Nice try darling, but thanks to Sweetie Belle, I’m ‘puppy-face’ resistant. Now, be a dear finish what you started.”

“But, my thingy hurts! See how limp it is?”

“And if you don’t want that poor thing broken too, I suggest you get back to work… NOW!”

“… you’re evil – I like that!”

Rainbow bit her lip as silence filled the air. Whole night? With that THING?! She couldn’t decide if she should be excited… or disgusted. She knew it wasn’t her business, and that eavesdropping was wrong, but, somehow the possibility of her getting caught only made her heart pump faster. Her pondering was interrupted by a mix of soft panting and moaning coming from behind the door.

“Hrmph, my magic… it’s not working,” Rarity said.

“Damn, and I left the blue pills in another armor,” James chuckle was followed by a loud growl. “OK, don’t go crazy Rares - just use your mouth-”

“P-pardon me?!”

“You don’t need magic for that - just wet it a little and suck it – it will get stiff in no time, then we’ll put it where it belongs.”

“But! But…”

“But what?! You are acting like if doing it for the first time… I would have thought you of all people did that a million times by now.”

“Hrmph, fine! But for the record – unicorns usually don’t use mouths for such things for hygienic reasons.”

He let out a chuckle. “Yes, yes, I know – the master race doesn’t like getting dirty.”

“One more word and I’ll show you that Applejack is not the only one who knows how to buck!”

“Jawohl, mein Führer!” his remark was followed by a long defeating silence. “O-K… Um, no need for a killer stare, just… do it already.”

Outside, Dash put both her hooves on her blushing cheeks and pressed her trembling body to the door. Did he just tell her to…?!

“Oh yeah, baby just like that… Just a little more…”

Ohmygosh! She is! She really is!

“Ahhh… Much better! See how nicely it’s standing?”

“Oh, shut up already! This is exactly why I prefer ladies. They talk less and would never leave a job half-done, unlike men - you think you did your part, had your fun, and can leave a lady hanging!”

James let out a chuckle. “Oh yes, I heard a few dozen stories about mistress Rarity… it went something like ‘after we were done, I could barely stand! There is no satisfying her!’”

“WHAT?! Who said that?!”

“That’s for me to know, and for you to never find out. In any case, I see what they meant… Mrs. Implacable.”

“Hrmph! Some of us do have standards! And speaking of which – I did my part now you do yours.”

“Yes, mistress!” Rainbow heard a sound of something smashing James in the skull. “I love it when you are angry.”

Dash smirked. Ha! I knew it! Our little fashionista swings both ways, but… With a few DOZEN mares?! And now with that… mechanized freak from the other dimension?! Wow, just… wow! Girls never gonna believe me-

“What are you doing?!” Rarity shouted. “This does NOT belong to THAT hole! Put it in the other one!”

Sweet Celestia! Rarity… I didn’t know you were THAT kind of lady.

With her cheeks red from excitement Rainbow Dash licked her lips, and waited. She no longer cared about the morality of her eavesdropping, or about being caught red hoofed. She wanted… no - she NEEDED to know what other secrets her friend was hiding. She pressed herself even harder against the door, when a sound of a loud crash, filled her ears with a ringing sensation. Immediately, she turned and noticed the door to Sweetie Belle’s room were wide open and hitting the wall.

“Sweetie Belle!” Rarity said. “I told her a million times to lock the windows when she is going out! Hold on a second-“

Uh-oh! Dash did a backflip and flew out of the boutique, just as the door to Rarity’s room opened. She hid in one of the nearby trees.

“Phew, that was close… Still, need to get that tablecloth somehow.”

To her surprise, Rarity exited her shop just a few seconds later, glancing at one of the windows which was now slightly ajar due to the draft. To say she was a mess would be an understatement - even at a distance, Dash could see that Rarity’s mane was in complete disarray; pieces of fabric, glitter, and sweat covered her usually perfect white coat.

Wow… They really did it! And our lady likes it rough, huh? Interesting… Rainbow grinned and licked her lips again. Argh! No time for fantasizes now. The tablecloth – remember? She shook her head and quickly dashed back to the entrance like if nothing happened.

She landed just when Rarity was about to enter her shop again. “Hey, Rarity… wow - what happened to you?”

“Oh, hello Rainbow Dash, I have been… working,” Rarity said, smiling sheepishly.

“Work, huh?” Dash sniffed the air. “Or perhaps you meant workout? No offense, but you smell and look like me, after Wonderbolts training.”

“Ehm, a huge… order darling. We-I mean, I was working all night,” Rarity said, wiping some sweat off her forehead, “frankly, I still have a lot to do so… how can I help you?”

“Oh, right um - do you remember some fancy tablecloth that Twilight gave you to fix some time ago? I’m here to get it.”

Rarity struck a thinking pose. “Ah, yes, that thing, it’s been a good two months - I was starting to wonder if she is ever going to pick it up. Hmm, it’s somewhere here, give me a minute…”

As soon as Rarity disappeared, Dash started sniffing the air again. Huge order? Right, more like huge something else, by the smell of it… How big can that thing be anyway? No way he can be as big as in that dream… or can he?

“Found it!” Rarity was trotting down the stairs, levitating a small, neat package with her magic. “Packed and ready to go!”

“Oh, great, I… um better get this to Twilight right away… unless - you need some help?”

“Moi? Help?”

“With the order? Perhaps you need someone strong to help you move the boxes with the fabric or something...?”

Rarity smiled sheepishly, nibbling on her lower lip. “Thank you for the offer darling, but I got everything under control - besides, you are not the only one to turn to when a strong muscle is needed.”

“OK- wait, what?”

“I am just saying darling, that you are not the only one with some strength - I can always ask Big Mac, for example.”

“… you asked him for help?”

“Oh yes, darling! Many, many times. He is such a sweetheart, and eager to please.”

… I bet, he is eager to get his ‘reward’ too. “Oh, um… OK - so there is nothing else you need help with?”

“No, I am fine - but thank you for asking.”

“O-K… in that case, I will be going - see you later!”

Rainbow flew away, her mind still racing. Just you wait when others hear of this! She shook her head and smiled. A few DOZEN mares, that human freak and even Big Mac... Rares, you are a beast!

***

Sometime later, James was strolling through the Ponyville market, his eyes locked onto the fresh goods on display. Hmm, still got some time before Sun Butt gets here, might as well get some grub. He stopped nearby one of the stalls, eying the juicy tomatoes, hard cucumbers, and big melons…“Damn, I need to take a break from the porn, again…”

“There he is,” some pony whispered in the distance.

“I don’t believe it, Rarity would never do something like that with him…” the other said.

James clenched his fist, fighting the urge to hit someone in the muzzle. What are they bitching about today…? With a quick glance, he scanned his surroundings, noticing the weird expressions on pony faces. He was used to it - being the only human super-soldier in pacifistic Equestria society didn't make him very popular. Neither did his tendency to fall asleep drunk in the middle of Ponyville park, nor his 'shoot first, ask questions later' attitude - usually summarized by a cheesy one-liner ('Hmm, that guy looks better without a head anyway!'). Some ponies still remembered how he and Twilight saved their hides a while ago, but most tried to avoid him.

That day, however, something was different - some ponies were grinning like idiots towards him, while others were frowning and shaking their heads. What the hell do they want now… His eyes met with Applejack’s, and she frowned as an expression of disgust filled her face. OK, that’s it! I need some answers!

James approached her, with a deadpan expression on his face. “What was that, a moment ago?”

“What? I don’t know what you are-“

“Cut the crap Applejack! You don’t like me for some reason, and that’s fine – I’m not a big fan of you either, but suddenly half of Ponyville is looking at me like if I was some leper, why?”

Applejack re-adjusted her hat, and looked him in the eyes, her gaze cold and intimidating. “We don’t like what you and Rarity are doing.”

“What are you talking about?”

"You know darn well mister! Rainbow heard everything!"

That little Rainbow cunt! James clenched his fists with an audible popping sound. "It's none of your or anybody's business!"

"She's my friend, so it is my business! I don't want her to get hurt by you."

"Look, she first tried it with Pinkie, Flutters, and some other ponies - but they were horrible. As far as I know even Twilight with her fancy magic, failed to meet Rarity's expectations - you know how she is.”

Applejack’s eyes widened, and her jaw dropped. “Rarity… Twilight and… the others - ALL of them? T-that can’t be-“

“It’s the truth! Ask Rarity if you don’t believe me! Anyway, after that, she turned to me because she ‘needed a more gentle touch’ - her words."

"What?! S-she said THAT?!"

"Yes, she did, and as it turned out I was a perfect man for the job!” James grinned. “Hell, the first time we did it, it went so smooth she practically was screaming in delight! Not very ladylike if you ask me."

With her mouth agape and cheeks as red as an apple before harvest, Applejack froze in place – her head suddenly too small for her brain. If he is telling the truth… Sweet Celestia, put me out of my misery-

"Look, I know you don't like me very much, but perhaps I could help you with something as well, to change my reputation?"

Applejack ears perked up. “W-what?”

"I'm strong and good with my hands - perhaps I could… plow your field?”

Applejack’s left eye twitched…

***

A few moments later, Twilight and the rest of the girls, except Rarity showed up on the scene.

"Applejack, we heard a scream and…" Twilight stopped, her eyes shifting from Applejack to the figure lying motionless at the trunk of a nearby tree. “What did you do?!”

"Something I should have done, a long time ago!” Applejack said, repositioning her hat. “He is a pervert! Rainbow was right!"

Rainbow grinned, rolling in the air. "Told you they were 'Stuffin' the muffin,' ha, ha!"

“That’s not our business girls!”

“Twi, with all due respect - someone needs to knock some sense into these two!”

Twilight glanced at the unconscious human, two hoofmarks visible on his forehead. “Oh, you did some knocking all right… James? Can you hear me?” she shook him hard, but there was no reaction. “He is breathing, but out cold - you could have killed him, you know!”

Applejack rolled her eyes, fighting the temptation to remind Twilight that their local human freak was immortal.

“What is going on here, darlings?” Rarity stepped out of the crowd of ponies gathered nearby – immediately getting Applejack’s attention.

“Well, well, well good morning - mistress Rarity,” Applejack said, her tone sarcastic and vile.

“I beg your pardon? How did you call me?!”

“Applejack enough!” Twilight teleported between them. “First you attack James and now Rarity? What’s gotten into you?!”

“Say what you will - he deserved it… Frankly, everyone here except Rainbow needs some sense knocked into their heads!”

Twilight exchanged glances with the rest of the group, everyone as confused as her.

“You heard me right! He said, Rarity first did it with all of you!”

Rarity tilted her head. “Did what? What are you talking about?“

Applejack stomped the ground, sending some rocks flying in the process. “You all should be ashamed of yourself! Especially you Rarity! This is… a crime against nature!”

“What is?! Applejack, I have no idea what you are talking about!”

Rainbow grinned. “She is talking about you and him having a workout when I visited to get the tablecloth.”

Rarity’s eyebrow arched, as outrage was added to the confused expression on her face. “Rainbow Dash! You were eavesdropping on us?! This is… invasion of privacy!” a very un-ladylike snort, left her muzzle. “Still, that secrecy was just as bad… I don’t know why James wanted to hide it anyway-”

“So you confirm it?! What about the part when he said, you first tried the same with everyone, but Rainbow and me?!” Applejack said.

Rarity’s eyes blinked, like if she didn’t understand the question. “Well, yes - I asked the girls to help me, but they just lacked the… gentle touch I needed - so to speak. Not that I don’t appreciate the effort darlings! I know I can be hard to please-”

Applejack’s face turned green, as her imagination went into overdrive, filling her mind with images of her friends trying to please Rarity. “Gals, I’m sorry, but… you need help – all of you! This is… is-” the content of her stomach hit the ground with a splatter. “Ugh… what you did is just… sick!”

Mouths of everyone, but Applejack were wide opened, and their eyes were traveling between Rarity and other ponies, trying to understand what exactly did they do.

Twilight was first to regain some composure. “Wait, what?! I never… what are you talking about?!”

Rarity’s eyebrow arched. “What do you mean? That special order from my minotaur customer, of course!” she said, and turn back to Applejack. “I admit, I might have been a little pushy, but I really needed help with this one so… First, I asked Fluttershy, then Pinkie, and then Twilight, to help me but none of it worked very well. Then I turned to James, and he was perfect for the job! Not only he is a two-leg creature, but that technology of his made him super precise. Since when is it a crime to ask help from friends?”

Applejack turned her wide eyes towards Rainbow Dash – rest of the group quickly followed, but she only raised an eyebrow, her face stoic. No way! I know what I heard! “So, you mean you did… dresses? Hrmph! Right…”

“Well, of course. What did you think we were-“

A loud groan coming from James interrupted her…

***

“Finally, I was starting to worry… Are you feeling alright?” Twilight said.

James got up, his head making a circular motion. “Never better!” he said, loudly sniffing the air, with a bright, unnatural smile on his face.

Rainbow cocked her head. “Um, what are you doing?”

“That scent is soooo lovely, don’t you think? I just love the smell of floooowers, and heat of the sun and… I looove you, girls! Did I ever sssayd dat?”

Nearby ponies glanced at the giddy human with confusion – everyone, except Twilight, who seemed not at all surprised by the sudden change of his demeanor.

“Twi, why is he acting drunk?” Applejack said.

“Most likely, you struck him so hard he has a concussion - from what I read it can cause such behavior sometimes-”

“What?!” Pinkie gasped, stretching her neck so much, her head loomed over Twilight, for a second. “A hit to the head can make you laugh?”

“Yes, sometimes-“ Twilight glanced at Pinkie, her eyebrow raised. “Don’t even think about trying it on anypony else!”

“Aww, but if it can make a pony happy-“

“It can make a pony brain damaged too!”

“Hrmph, party pooper,” Pinkie murmured, hoofing the ground.

“Hey, hey, hey Pinkie don’t be sad,” James said, stroking her mane. “Have you heard that one about the ‘No’ and ‘Me Neither’?”

“No.”

“Me neither.”

Pinkie eyebrow arched, and confusion filled her face.

“You didn’t get it?” James said.

“No-“

“Me neither!”

With her mouth slightly agape, Pinkies head started tilting, until, suddenly it straightened up with a loud tick. “I get it! Ha, ha!”

“And you know how Celestia became a princess?!” he added with a cackle. “The dentist told her, she needed a crown – and she took it literally!”

Some distance away, the rest of the group watched James and Pinkie rolling on the ground, as he spouted one cheesy joke after another.

“Whoa, I see what you meant by brain damage, Twi,” Applejack said.

“Yep, you knocked something to his head all right!” Rainbow snickered, turning to Twilight. “Is he gonna stay like that forever?”

“It usually lasts only a few minutes.”

“Bummer, I like him better this way.”

“Good day,” a gentle, yet regal voice sounded from behind them.

***

Twilight froze, her mind racing. The reception! The group turned around in unison, the expression on their faces ranging from sheepish to terrified. How could they forget?!

Celestia put on a gentle smile, waiting for the inevitable. Someone apologizing in three… two… “Your Highness-” Gotcha!

“-I’m so sorry we forgot about the reception, but we have a situation here-“

“Princess Celestia, dearest of all dictators!” James dropped to his knees, kissing her hoof. “I would like to make a complaint!”

Celestia eyebrow arched. “Yes, I can see what kind of situation you are talking about Twilight,” she turned to James. “You could not stay sober even for one day?”

As he got up, James put on a serious face… or tried to anyway. “Not true! I haven’t drink anything since… this morning!”

“Thank you, for proving my point-“ suddenly, her head tilted, as she caught a glimpse of red on his skull. “What is this?”

James stroked his head with his right hand and grinned as he saw the result. “Wow, blood! Hey, Pinkie! Wanna finger paint?!” he chuckled, turning to Celestia. “Princess, for this, I demand Jackle App… to the moon!”

Celestia rolled her eyes. “Yes, I will get right on it.”

“GOOD! Because… you know - she hit me!”

Apparently, not hard enough. She turned to the pony in question. “Is this true Applejack?”

Applejack responded with a shameful blush on her cheeks, looking at the ground,. “I’m afraid so, your highness. Twilight said that’s why he is acting so strange.”

“Acting strange?” Luna, who was observing the scene stepped forward and smiled. “The level of foolishness seems pretty ordinary for him.”

James put on a little frown. “You call me foolish? You, you… um…” he paused for a second, scratching his empty head until a eureka moment hit him. “I'm rubber you're glue, your words bounce off me and stick to you! Hrmph!”

Everypony glanced at the princess of the night, but her face seemed unfazed. “OK, perhaps he is a little more idiotic than usual – but not much.”

Celestia directed her attention back to Applejack.“Why did you attack him?”

“I…” she bit her lip. “I would rather not tell-”

“I am afraid that will not do - an assault is a serious offense.”

Before Applejack could respond, the whispers begin, as ponies around them started exchanging their theories on what happened.

Seeing Applejack’s uneasiness, James clapped his hands, grinning like an idiot. “Ha! In your faaace Jackie! You are going down! Time for Celestia to do some mooning!”

Suddenly all the whispers died down, only to be replaced a second later by a sound of ponies backing away. Luna bit on her front hoof, trying to hide her grin. OK, I take that back! This is way beyond normal, even for him. Her gaze wandered between her sister and giddy human. This is gonna be interesting…

Celestia sighed heavily, holding to her calm, regal demeanor. “Watch your tongue, captain – I will not tolerate such… vulgar language in my presence.”

“You never talk dirty?”

“No, I do not.”

James tilted his head and scratched his temples. “Not even in bed?”

Just like that, his words penetrated the barrier of grace Celestia erected around herself – making her eyes widen. It took her a second to respond as the essence of his remark flowed forth filling up her mind.

“W-what?!”

“I mean, what do you scream? ‘Oh, touch my no-no and make me squish-squish’?

Luna quickly came to the rescue. “She doesn’t scream anything of the sort.”

“Hrmph! Royal even in bed huh?”

“Nah, just thousand years out of practice-“

“LUNA!”

Luna arched her head, putting a very formal expression on her face – her posture stiff and rigid. “What? Ever since I got back, you promised me you’ll look for some nice stallion – but did nothing!”

“Not now! … ponies are watching!”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa - wait a second princess…” James interjected, shaking his head. “You weren’t so hard on me to… make me hard, were you?”

Gasps, mixed with the sound of fainting spurted from the nearby crowd of ponies. Celestia's eye twitched, as the seed of anger slowly but smoothly, spread across her face. Luna bit her hoof again, barely avoiding the premature eruption of laughter.

“I see, you are enjoying yourself sister,” Celestia said, finally regaining some composure. “I need to stop this before he says something he will regret.”

With a flash, she placed James on the ground and herself above him – firmly pressing her hooves on his chest. “Whoa! I didn’t know you were that kind of priiiiiiii-“

Before he could finish, she pushed her horn, hard against his forehead – letting her magic penetrate the annals of his mind. “It’s for your own good...”

A few seconds later it was over, and quiet groan filled the air. “Are you feeling better?” Please tell me it worked…

James opened his eyes and smiled, gently – massaging his temples. "Yes… much better.”

“Thank heavens-“

“Although, I would feel even better if you could position those lovely buns a little to the south.”

“W-what?!”

“I mean, since you are already in position and all-”

Sparkles filled the air for a few more seconds. This time, Celestia tried reversing the spell, hoping it will be enough for her magic to penetrate the rear entrance to his mind. “Did it work? Answer me!”

“Help, help! I’m being oppressed! She is poking me with a big, thick-“

“Stop with those innuendos already!”

“I’m trying! But it’s hard! … so, HARD!” he chuckled, as Celestia rolled her eyes. “This reminds me of a story a friend back on Earth told me.”

“What story?”

“It happened in the winter many years ago. Two guys named Ben Dover and Hugh Mongus were stranded together during snowfall and-“

“ENOUGH!” James’s body suddenly went from limp to rigid – as her Canterlot Voice almost blew his eardrums. “I shall stop this, even if it kills you!”

“No! I’m too young to die!”

Lune let out a chuckle. “Preposterous! He is three hundred something – give him all you’ve got, sister!”

James could only gulp, before Celestia restarted her healing spell, shoving magical essence deep inside his mind, her horn discharging faster and faster. Meanwhile, a group of ponies nearby watched the scene – some with confusion, others shaking their heads in disbelief.

“This is bad, like REALLY BAD!” Twilight said. “We need to do… something!”

“You are correct Twilight Sparkle!” Luna horn discharged with a blinding flash. “Huzzah! Now it is perfect!”

Twilight mouth went agape, as she stared at a pile of popcorn that popped up near the princess of the Night. “Luna, This is a serious matter-“

“Relax!” Luna said, grabbing some popcorn. “This is the most fun visit we had in years! Even Celestia is less of a stick-in-the-mud than usual-“

“I can hear everything over here!” Celestia shouted, still working on James.

“I’m well aware!” Luna chuckled, tossing more popcorn into her mouth. “Hey, Tia - have you tried spell 69?”

Celestia stopped and turned around, panting heavily – her body covered in sweat. “Lulu… For the love of Equestria – Be QUIET! You are not helping!”

“Whoa… This is what I call a full moon!” James let out a chuckle.

Celestia glanced up with confusion until the essence of his words finally hit her. She tried to control her body, but the seed of anger was already spreading through her mind, her heart beating harder and harder… faster and faster!

“Like the moon? Here, have some STARS!” She bucked him hard, his rigid body splattered across the nearby tree, chopping it down in the process. “So much for Mr. Hardwood. Hrmph!” She added, letting out a loud, un-royal snort.

Seeing what Celestia did, Luna immediately galloped towards James’s body with an expression of disbelief on her face. She poked him with her hoof a few times, but there was no response. “Sister! You killed him!”

“Good!”

Luna’s eyes widened. “… good?”

Finally regaining some composure, and realizing what she just said Celestia bit her lip, her anger slowly replaced by concern. “I mean… Oh dear, is he OK?”

Luna’s eyebrow arched, as she gave her sister a look that made her wish she hadn't asked. “You bucked him so hard you cut down a tree! Of course, he is not-“

“Ugh...”

“-OK?”

***

“Ouch!” James groaned. “God damn that hurts!” His eyes glanced at the white alicorn. “Celestia…? Why am I lying under a broken tree… and HUD says all my ribs are broken?”

“Pity - he seems to be back to his old self,” Luna said with a smile.

“What are you talking about?”

Still biting her lip, Celestia smiled sheepishly. “You don’t remember? After Applejack’s attack, you were… acting weird and, I had to do a… cognitive recalibration.”

“… remind me to confiscate all the movies I brought from Earth. Anyway… I don’t remember Applejack attacking me-”

“Um, shouldn’t we bring you to the hospital to check for brain damage or something?” Twilight interjected, with a worried expression.

“Nah, my nano-tech already working on it, and on my memory. In the meantime… anybody care to explain what the heck happened?”

“Well, what is the last thing you do remember?” Celestia said.

James struck a thinking pose. “I noticed that ponies were looking at me funny, so I asked Applejack about it… we talked I…” he stopped for a moment, scratching his head. “I wanted to bury the hatchet, so I offered to help her plow her field… I think – and then…” suddenly he jerked his hand, pointing at the pony in question. “Now I remember - she just went berserk! Hit me for no reason!”

“There was a reason! Only… I don’t know anymore,” Applejack sighed. “The truth is, Rainbow overheard what you and Rarity were doing, and we thought that… um-”

“We know that the two of you were ‘baking the potato,’” Rainbow smirked.

Celestia's cheeks reddened, James mouth opened, then closed. He facepalm just before a sheepish smile filled his face.

“Applejack, darling – I still don’t understand,” Rarity gently shook her head.

“I’m at a lost here as well,” Luna added, “what does this… phrasing mean?”

Rainbow blinked, glancing first at Rarity, then at Luna. “You know... I mean that you were ‘Creaming the Twinkie’”

Luna cocked her head, still not confused. “They were what?”

“You know! ‘Entering the castle!’”

“What castle?”

Rainbow scratch her head, both Rarity and the princess still looking at her confused. "Um… ‘Filling the cream donut’?"

"That’s it? All this hustle because James once helped me with baking?" Rarity said.

Rainbow facehoofed. "You... You guys for real? You don't understand what I'm saying?"

They shook their heads in unison.

"Oh, come on! 'Putting the bread in the oven,' 'riding the Pony Express,' 'twirling the Dum Dum,' doing 'two-person push-ups' - nothing ring any bells?"

Celestia couldn’t hold it anymore, she lowered her muzzle and whispered something in Luna’s ear, and it finally clicked. “Ahh! I see a lot has changed during my absence - in my time the interspecies mating was a taboo.”

Rarity eyes widened. “Inter… WHAT?!”

“They think we were banging…” James said, and turned to Applejack. “So, when we were talking, and I offered to plow your field you thought that-“

“Eeyup,” she mumbled, covering her entire burning muzzle in her hat.

“Wow, I guess I should be glad to be alive! Poor tree though…”

“Actually that’s the work of Celestia,” Luna said.

James turned towards the white alicorn, only to notice her giving Luna a ‘You’re gonna pay me for this!’ kind of stare. “Care to explain, princess?”

Celestia took a deep breath. “When you regained consciousness after Applejack’s attack, you were a little… Hmm, how shall I put it? Sexually aroused?”

With a confused expression on his face, James cocked his head, his eyes moving erratically from left to right. He stayed like that for what seems like an eternity, until something clicked inside his head, his memories overflowing his brain like a tsunami.

“Um… so the part about you pinning me to the ground, and electrocuting - wasn’t a dream?”

“No, aside from the fact that my spell was meant to heal you, not hurt you.”

“And me,” he bit his lip and swallowed hard, “um, admiring your… moon?”

Celestia answered with a sarcastic smile on her face. “Oh yes why do you think the tree was broken?”

“Because you can’t take a compliment?” He said with a sheepish smile, only to notice Celestia’s eyes scanning something in the distance. “What are you doing?”

“Looking for another tree… Oh, there is one.”

“All right, all right! Look, um - could we just pretend that whole situation… never happened?”

After a moment of piercing him with her glare, Celestia sighed – switching her expression back to the usual, gentle smile.

“Since you were not yourself at the time, I shall treat this whole affair as a… misunderstanding.”

“Thanks.”

“Although, I am starting to wonder what happened to those poor souls in your story. You know the Hugh Mongus and Ben Dover?”

James rolled his eyes, as his fear shifted into a sense of annoyance. “How about you ask Rainbow Dash? She is the one who started this mess in the first place,” he turned to the pegasus in question. “Oh, and just for the record – me and Rarity didn’t do anything of the sort. That prank was low even by your standards Dashie.”

“Prank? Ha!” Rainbow interjected with a very unfazed expression on her face. “I know what I heard and saw! Just admit it guys!”

Rarity who was silent all this time shook her head. She arched her eyebrows and locked her eyes onto Rainbow Dash, breathing intensely. “Rainbow, in a second, I am going to-”

“Hold on Rares! Let the dead mare speak,” James interjected, with a little grin. “So, what exactly do you think you heard… Skittles?”

Dash cleared her throat and launched into the air. “You said you were doing it all night and all over the room trying different… positions! True or false?!”

“True. We were-“

Nearby ponies gasped in horror, whispering and muttering something between themselves.

“-working, all night you damn pony perverts!” James said, silencing the crowd. “Rarity hired me because she needed some minotaur model and mannequins! And surprise, surprise it is hard to find a creature the size of a minotaur and is standing erect!” Rainbow Dash let out a little grin. “I mean standing straight!” Her grin widened. “ … on two legs damn you!” Too much porn… “Anyway, based on my figure we created a few models. I was using my particle cannon to cut them from fresh wood – the damn sap and resin were all over the place.”

“Funny, because I heard you saying the room was messy and sticky because she couldn’t control her-“ Rainbow bit her lip just in time, glancing at the crowd around them. Rarity’s gonna kill me if I say it-

“Go ahead Dashie,” James teased, his face grinning. “Say it, I’m sure we are all very interested.”

“Um, never mind-“

“Oh NO!” Rarity suddenly interjected, stomping the ground hard. “We are cleaning this mess, right HERE, right NOW! What do you think you heard?!”

Rainbow gulped, cold sweat flowing across her forehead. “That you can’t control your… um-“

“My what?!”

“… pussy …” Rainbow muttered, putting her hoof in defense posture - expecting to die the next second. Instead, Rarity just cocked her head, confused.

“What’s so funny about that? Everypony knows, only Fluttershy can take care of her properly.”

Everyone’s jaw hit the floor at her remark – their eyes turning towards Fluttershy, who was standing immobilized, her own mouth agape, and cheeks burning.

“M-me?” Fluttershy said. “But, I never… we never-“

“What do you mean darling? You take care of Opalescence regularly.”

“… Opalescence?”

“My puss, Opal? Hello? I admit she can be quite obnoxious, and that day she spilled the sap container when I refused to pet her – so YES, Rainbow Dash, you heard correctly, the mess in the room was her fault. I still don’t understand what that has to do with this whole situation?”

James, who was quietly listening to the whole thing, stepped forward. With a grin, he glanced at Dash, who was shaking her head in a pleading manner. “Yes, makes absolutely no sense… unless Rainbow thought of another pussy.”

“I have only one cat, so what could she-“ something clicked inside Rarity’s mind, realization striking her with a force of a sledgehammer. Her head turned slowly towards backing away Rainbow Dash. “You … YOU!”

Smiling sheepishly, Rainbow quickly put some more distance between them. “OK, so I might have misinterpreted that one but… what about the rest? Like when he told you to um…” she couldn’t find the courage to finish.

James’s grin widened. “When I told her to use her mouth perhaps? To go and suck the-”

“Ha! Y-you see?! He admits it!”

“-the thread she was using, you rainbow moron!”

“The what now?”

James let out a sigh, rolling his eyes. “After the night of working, Rarity was out of magic to the point, she couldn’t thread the damn needle. So I told her to do it the way any earth pony or human would do. Wet the fiber with your tongue, until it stands nicely and then put it through. Sure, I might have added a few innuendos to the mix, but, that’s just my style and Rarity is just immune to my antics. Well... most of the time, anyway.”

“Yeah? What about ‘we were banging and screwing whole night’? Or the wrong… hole part?”

“Urgh… screwing mannequin parts together, and then banging them with a hammer to the model’s frame,” James said, noticing with satisfaction that Dash was starting to nibble her lower lip. “As for the wrong hole part… Each minotaur mannequin has several tail holes so Rarity can adjust where the tail goes, depending on fella’s posture – I just put it in the wrong one, that’s all.”

“But, mistress Rarity? Multiple… lovers?”

“And ponies say I’m a pervert…” James said, shaking his head. “Dressmakers Dash, dressmakers! Rarity is a perfectionist – it’s very hard to satisfy her… Um, when working, I mean,” he let out a nervous chuckle. “A-anyway, others fear to work for her when she got those big orders – thus the nickname. One of many…”

As Rainbow glanced between the grinning James and enraged Rarity - her confidence suddenly went out the airlock. With an audible gulp, she wiped some of the sweat pouring down her forehead, with her hoof. Her mind was racing to find something to get her out of this mess, but aside from running away, she got nothing.

Seeing her like that, James smiled. “So, any last words before execution, Dashie?”

“Um, I… I’m sorry, I acted before thinking-”

“Liar!” James said.

“Hey! I’m sorry! Honest!”

He shook his head and chuckled. “No, no – I meant ‘you thinking’ part…”

“Hrmph! Buck you, monkey boy!”

James smirked. “Oh, I’m sorry Dashie, I know you had that dream and all, but I’m really not interested in threesomes… Well, not with you, anyway.”

Suddenly, Dash realized that the heat of the sun was a little too intense that day, as even more sweat appeared on her forehead. She turned to Luna, with a ‘You told him?!’ expression on her face, only to notice the princess tapping her left hoof to the ground, and glancing as far away from Dash’s stare as possible, trying her best to hide the ludicrous expression on her face.

“What dream, Dashie?” Pinkie asked, snapping her awake.

“Um… never mind, it’s not important.”

Finally regaining her senses, Rarity let out a slow, deep breath – her eyes not leaving Dash for a second.

“Rainbow, darling… right now I have an urge to… teach you the meaning of coup de grâce… But, I am willing to forgive you-“

Rainbow’s face brightened up. “Really?! Rarity you are the best-“

“-IF you assure me that this nasty… misunderstanding will be contained here and now. I mean… nobody but those here heard about it… correct?”

Any glimmer of hope Dash had a second ago, vanished into thin air. I’m sooo dead…

Rarity put on an unnatural smile, her eyes sparkling. “Am I correct, Rainbow Dash?”

“Um, well… you see… it might have slipped out when-“

“So THAT’S why everyone was looking at me like that,” James interjected with a chuckle. “Now it all makes sense.”

With a crazy smile on her face, wide eyes and twitching body, Rarity looked like someone dying to take up the gauntlet against a mutated hydra. “Dashie…”

“I’m sorry, OK?” Rainbow said, backing away. “Look, I… I’m gonna spread the news it was just a prank, all right?

With a flash, Celestia teleported between them. “Please calm down my little ponies. I am sure, this nasty… misunderstanding can still be fixed.”

After a short exchange of glances with the princess, Rarity took another deep, slow breath – powering down her magic and allowing neutral expression, back on her face.

“Your Highness, you are absolutely correct. We should all calm down.“

Celestia smiled. “Excellent-“

“AFTER I DESTROY HER!”

Before anyone could react Rarity teleported herself near Rainbow Dash and erected a forcefield around them – pinning the poor pegasus to the edge.

“I’m going to gut you like a fish and break every bone in your body! And after you give up the ghost - I’m going to get Sweetie Belle to use that necromancy spell she once showed me to resurrect you so I can do it again!”

“I’m sorry! Whoa! … not the mane!” Rainbow shouted, dodging Rarity’s magic. “A little help guys?! Argh! Not the tail!”

In the meantime Celestia lit up her horn, trying to penetrate the shield, but the beam just bounced off. “This is odd… what kind of magic is this-” her eyes widened a bit, at the display inside. “Twilight, since when can Rarity use teleportation?“

“Or shields, for that matter?!” Luna interjected, with a smirk of excitement.

Twilight watched the display in front of her - with her eyes wide open, she looked like a kid in a candy store. “I didn’t know she could! Fascinating! I knew anger can increase unicorn’s magical potential but-”

“HEEEELP!”

“Oh, right Rainbow Dash - we need to get her out of there!”

Celestia lit her horn once more, this time having some effect – as the shield lit up like a Christmas tree.

“This spell should break the barrier, but it needs a minute or two.”

“In the meantime… popcorn anyone?” James said, and got a deadpan stare from Twilight. “Don’t you dare to give me that look! We both know Dash deserves it… and then some! And you know, I find it funny you believed this stuff in the first place. Seriously, instead of questioning that stupid story, all of you could only think of my huge, throbbing-“

“AHEM!” Celestia interjected.

“-manipulating skills!” He popped some popcorn into his mouth. “I mean, how else could I court somebody like Rarity? I don’t know if I should feel flattered, or insulted.”

“I don’t understand why you didn’t just ask them directly?” Luna said.

“Those… activities are still somewhat of a taboo, sister.”

“Exactly! Imagine me or somebody else, asking you ‘Hey, Luna did you screw somepony lately?’” James chuckled.

“Hmm, indeed the answer to that might be troubling.”

“Exactly-”

“I mean, it depends on the day of the week – I believe Sargent Night Whisper was the last one.” James almost choked on his popcorn, the rest of the group turned to the princess with faces of disbelief. “What?”

“So, THIS is why you are always so tired after a night when he is… guarding you?!”

“You dare to criticize me?! I was denied gratification for a thousand years! I’m just making up the lost time. Besides my activities, are not the issue here,” she turned towards Twilight and her friends. “You should have known he is not interested in Rarity.”

“Exactly!” James said, grabbing more popcorn.

"You should realize he considers her a friend, just like any of you."

"Exactly!"

Luna smirk. "As far as I know, the only pony he finds attractive and constantly dreams about is my dear sister."

“Exact- wait, wh-“ he managed to say before choking on a piece of popcorn. At the very same moment, Rarity’s energy sphere collapsed, filling the air with awkward silence. Nearby ponies – Celestia included - turned towards him, their expression ranging from disgust to disbelief. “H-hey! That’s bullshit!”

Suddenly, Luna switched her expression to a very official one. “Are you implying that my sister is not attractive?!”

“W-what? NO! She’s hot!”

Celestia’s eyebrow arched, her face suddenly hollow and emotionless.

“I meant… seductive … um, gorgeous! I mean… you know what I mean!” Celestia raised her other eyebrow. “Luna, I just got out of jail like a month ago, stop spreading this bullshit – this isn’t funny!”

Luna smiled again, gently arching her eyebrow. "Don't forget who you are talking to - I saw everything with my own eyes. But worry not, there is no law against such dreams, no matter how… perverted they might be."

“But, I… I didn’t-“

Before he could say another word, Celestia stepped into view. With her eyebrows wrinkled, and the hollow expression on her face, she looked like a judge just before passing a death sentence - piercing him to the bone with her chilling gaze.

“You, little pervert!“

“Oh, I wouldn’t call him little, sister– if the dreams are any indication, he is quiet… gifted,” Luna chuckled.

“I do not care!” Celestia said, her eyes not leaving him for a second. “I thought that your earlier behavior was due to the injury, but it would seem I was mistaken."

“Oh, come on! I didn’t do anything! You cannot blame someone for his dreams.”

“Yes, I can!”

“Even if you have similar dreams yourself, dear sister?”

"I… W-what?” was the only thing Celestia was able to say before her mind went blank and the situation reversed itself. Suddenly, James was the one piercing her with his stare, except his expression was not that of anger, but rather an astonishment.

In a desperate attempt, Celestia shook her head, breaking off the eye contact. Don’t blush, don’t blush! “Tis a lie!" she said, but her burning cheeks were telling a different story.

Luna continued, “No, it’s not, and I brought that up, because, according to ancient tradition, if two creatures dream of each other in that manner, they should be united in the bonds of holy matrimony!”

“WHAT?” both James and Celestia shouted in unison exchanging a glance of horror.

Before anypony could say anything else - Pinkie jump out of nowhere, grinning.

“This is the most amazing news ever!”

“Pinkie…“

“We are gonna throw the most amazing incredible, tremendous super-fun wonderful terrifically humongous party in all of Equestria!”

“Pinkie Pie-“

“We need to stop with the shakin', and get down to the bakin! So, when will this wedding’s gonna be?!”

“PINKIE PIE!” Celestia shouted, through clenched teeth. “There will not be anything of the sort!”

“No?”

“NO! In fact-“ she was interrupted by a burst of laughter coming from Luna. “You find this FUNNY sister?!”

Luna arched her head, putting a very serious look on her face. “No Celestia I do not… I find it… hilarious!” She chuckled. “You should see the expressions on your faces right now. Best-“

“Intimate dreams are a PRIVATE MATTER!”

“-prank ever…?” Luna’s eyes widened and smile faded away, but before she could say anything James jumped out in front of Celestia, pointing his index finger at her.

“Aha! So now they are suddenly a private matter, but a moment ago they weren’t, huh?! Talk about the pot calling the kettle black!”

“It… It is not the same!”

“Sure, when you dream about sticking that horn up my back door, it’s fine, but when I do the same, it’s a crime! We got a big white hypocrite over here!”

“Um, sister-“

“It is not the same!” Celestia said, cocking her head in confusion. “… how did you even know such… details about my dream?”

The look on James face switched from angry to blank, his left eyebrow arching. “I didn’t…” he glanced at the tip of her horn, then back at her face, which was now filled with an awkward expression. “And I AM the pervert here?! HA!”

“Sister-“

Celestia bit her lip, her cheeks burning with embarrassment. “But, it I… This was just a dream! And I was tired after a few sleepiness nights following a delegation - I bet your was way more perverted!”

“So what? I had mine when I was drunk! And you would be surprised, but I actually was very gentle and civil-”

“HA! Captain Ben Dover and Hugh Mongus civil? Like I am ever going to believe that-“

“CELESTIA!” Luna shouted, with Canterlot Voice™ raising a cloud of dust in the process, and finally getting the attention. When her ears stopped ringing, Celestia turned to her sister only to find her pointing a hoof at something. She turned once more and froze, her energy dwindling away the moment she saw the crowd of Ponyville residents, staring at them with all sorts of expressions on their faces.

“Celestia I swear, that was only supposed to be a prank! I didn’t know you really had such dreams,” Luna said, with embarrassment, but got no reply from her sister.

Regaining his composure, James grabbed the bottle of his vodka and took a deep sip. “Please tell me you know a ‘forget what you just heard’ spell?” Celestia slowly shook her head in silence. “Well, if you’ll need me, I’ll be on the moon.”

“Wait! I am coming too!” Celestia said, but when she turned James was no longer there. “Darn it! … Twilight, when Starlight gets back, tell her I… need her to mess with the timeline again. Twilight?”

But Twilight just sat in silence, with a hollow expression on her face, and eyes locked at the tip of Celestia’s horn…

Author's Note

I regret nothing :rainbowwild:

This story was supposed to be dialog driven, but even so - do you think there is, too little narration?

Please remember - no matter how old the story is, leaving constructive feedback (good or bad) is ALWAYS appreciated :twilightsmile: