Let's Be Honest Even This Chapter Is Too Much
Sunset Shimmer had seen a lot of things she wished she could forget. She’d seen airships on fire off the coast of Manehattan. Bells glittering in the dark at Tambelon’s Gate. All those moments paled before the horror presented to her now.
There was no memory spell powerful enough to erase what she was looking at.
Principal Celestia, stretched out on a certain black leather couch. She was, thankfully, wearing clothing in this particular photo. In the hundreds of others, she was not.
“You gotta go through the whole gallery,” Dash said, excited. “You wouldn’t believe what she does when these two guys start-”
“No.” Sunset said.
“No?”
“I can live my whole life without ever knowing whatever you were about to say and I’ll be happier for my ignorance.”
“It’s really hot, though.”
“No, it isn’t! It’s Principal Celestia!”
Dash sputtered in confusion. “But- you were her personal student in Horseland, so you gotta be curious what she looks like naked!”
“Okay, first, I was Princess Celestia’s personal student, and second, clothing isn’t really common in Equestria.”
“So you were naked, like, all the time?”
“Yes?” Sunset said, feeling like she’d just been outmaneuvered somehow.
“Why would you ever leave if you were surrounded by naked chicks!?”
“Get out of my office, Dash.”
“It can’t be her,” Twilight said. She was sitting in front of a half-dozen monitors like a Great Wall of LCD between her and Sunset.
“At least someone has common sense,” Sunset sighed, relaxing a little. “There’s no way Principal Celestia would do porn.”
“It has nothing to do with common sense. If the dates in the pictures and videos are accurate, they were made on days when she has extremely good alibis and couldn’t possibly have been here for the time needed for the detailed activities.”
Sunset nodded along. The nods grew slower and slower as she actually listened to what Twilight was saying. She’d been making a habit of trying to block out the details for weeks now, and it took a while for the implication of her words to filter through.
“Wait, you mean you-”
“Cross-referenced the dates and times of both her schedule and the pornography in question? Of course I did, Sunset. I don’t leave things to half-measures. Dash came to me before she went to talk to you about it. Incidentally, we need to make a stop at the pharmacy.”
“There’s just something weirdly familiar about the dates, like I’ve seen them before,” Sunset said, pointedly ignoring Twilight. It was on the tip of her tongue.
“So I called you here to get your opinion on something,” Twilight said, changing the subject. “You’re the only one I trust to help me with this.”
“Okay,” Sunset said, sitting up.
Twilight turned one of the monitors around. Displayed prominently, almost seeming to pop through the high-definition screen, was an extremely lifelike render of what could only be a stallion’s fifth leg.
“That’s a horsecock,” Sunset blurted out.
“I was thinking of expanding my business into some more specialized niche markets. I just need to know how realistic this is, maybe get some focus-testing done. You’re the only one I can trust to give me an accurate opinion.”
“A vacation?” Princess Twilight asked. Sunset followed her down the crystal hallway, their hooves clicking on the floor that was going to remain bare until Twilight was able to get a quote for wall-to-wall carpeting that wasn’t several orders of magnitude larger than her research budget and nearly enough to just build a new castle, moat and servants included.
“I recently got a new job, and it’s just a little stressful, so I thought I should take a few days off before I start screaming at someone,” Sunset explained.
“You’re always welcome,” Princess Twilight assured her. “Maybe if we’re really lucky there won’t be some kind of world-threatening threat this week!”
Sunset laughed.
Twilight didn’t. She just looked exhausted, and a little twitchy, now that she got a good look at her.
“It doesn’t really… every week?”
“Three days ago, the newest Daring Do book came out,” Twilight said. Her eyebrow twitched dangerously. “The author included details on a ritual to summon G’grahhght’th the Unpronouncible merely by saying some backwards Horse Latin aloud.”
“How did you even make that noise?” It wasn't the kind of name a pony's throat was designed to say.
“I had practice. A lot of practice! She was kind enough to leave out a few details, but her editor, who has had her library card to the restricted archives revoked forever, decided for authenticity's sake she should fix the parts Yearling got wrong! So at the special midnight release on a new moon on Friday the thirteenth, several thousand copies of an extremely dangerous magical ritual were given to ponies all over Equestria!”
“Did I come at a bad time? I can just-”
“It’s fine now!” Twilight snapped. “G’grahhght’th, thankfully, didn’t have time to fully manifest since all those ponies doing the ritual kept him bouncing from one place to another until Luna and I managed to get all the books. Most of them just got lightly molested by tentacles before it was over.”
“That’s good,” Sunset said, relieved.
“Good?!” Princess Twilight screamed. “I had to burn them, Sunset! I had to burn thousands of first-edition copies!” She fell to her knees, weeping. “I can still hear the screams…”
“Books can’t scream, Twilight.”
“They were very cursed books,” Twilight whispered. “They bled, too.”
“Maybe cursed, screaming books that bleed are okay to burn,” Sunset put a hoof on her back. "That's probably an important friendship lesson."
“How can I be the Princess of Books when I committed such a horrible crime?”
“You’re the Princess of Friendship, Twilight. Focus on the friendship lesson and write a letter or something.”
“Whatever,” Twilight muttered.
“Obviously you just need to relax a little,” Sunset said. “Have you tried reading a-”
“I can’t look at books right now!” Twilight sobbed. “I betrayed them!”
“Ooookay. How about a beach trip?”
“A monster like me doesn’t deserve to go anywhere.” Twilight sniffled. “I’m sorry you have to see me like this.”
Sunset wasn’t sure what to say, but a weight in her saddlebags reminded her of the other reason for her visit.
“Twilight, what if I said I had an idea of how you could relax?”
A few hours later, Princess Twilight stumbled out of her bedroom. Her legs were unsteady under her, and when she got to the table and sat down, there was a distinctively wet sound.
“Don’t go into the bathroom,” Twilight panted. “It’s flooded with sour cream.”
“Do you feel any better?” Sunset asked, putting down the book she’d been reading.
“Yeah, actually,” Twilight said. She still sounded dazed. “Oh, hold on. Let me go grab your beanis. I left it in-”
“Keep it,” Sunset said. “It’s a free sample.” Also she really didn’t want to touch it, even with magic. She hadn’t even wanted to touch it before it had been used. Apparently heavily. Either alicorns had amazing stamina or Twilight was more pent up than anyone had expected.
“I took some notes on improvements you could make,” Princess Twilight said. Her horn lit up, and a scroll dropped on the table, one corner still damp with crème fraiche.
“You took notes?”
“I always take notes.” Twilight unrolled the scroll. “First, can it be modified to shoot guacamole?”
“I’m very glad you accepted my invitation, Sunset,” Princess Celestia said.
“I got the feeling Twilight could use some alone time,” Sunset said. She tried not to think about what she’d seen as the train carried her away from Ponyville. The entire castle had been covered in green sludge. Twilight had apologized, of course, but it wasn’t the first time Sunset had sworn off Mexican food for the rest of her life.
“I thought we could have dinner in my quarters,” Celestia continued, leading Sunset through the castle. A few of the older guards shot her suspicious looks. Her steps faltered until Celestia’s wing gently pushed her along, ushering her closer, the Princess not even acknowledging the steely-faced soldiers.
“Sorry,” Sunset mumbled.
“Sunset, there’s something I learned a long time ago.” Celestia pushed open the door to her quarters and let her former student inside. “You need to let your worries go and relax once in a while. I believe you just helped Princess Twilight learn that for herself.”
Sunset laughed nervously.
“To be honest she needed some kind of relief. If you hadn’t helped her, I was going to have to figure something out for myself.” Celestia stepped into her study and sat down on a black faux-leather loveseat.
Sunset stopped and stared.
“Is there something wrong, Sunset?” Celestia stretched out a little.
“Nothing’s wrong!” Sunset squeaked. She coughed and regained her composure. “It just- something reminded me of, uh, a little thing from the other world.”
“Why don’t you sit down next to me so we can talk about it?” Celestia asked, patting the pleather cushion next to her. “Let me just take these off.”
She started slowly stripping off her shoes, and it struck Sunset like a crystal bullet, a single perfect, sharp moment of epiphany, something bubbling away on her back burner exploding out to capture her attention. She’d seen the dates from the pictures and videos before. They were days thirty moons apart.
Days when the portal had been open.
"Oh, the servants left some fresh fruit!" Celestia peeled a banana slowly before taking it into her mouth, the long, curved shaft sliding across her tongue. It was exactly like the pictures Dash had shown her. The ones she couldn't forget.
Celestia bit down.
Sunset fainted.
Author's Note
