The Father, the Son, and the Holy Beanis
“Anyway, would you like to know more about our lord and savior, the Great Bean?”
Sunset Shimmer thought she had seen it all. A time-travelling cyborg hell-bent on wiping Beanis from the face of the Earth. Fluttershy pleasuring herself in an ad on late-night television. Wallflower getting railed in the company break room. Principal Celestia sucking two dudes off on The Couch itself like a—
“Ma’am?” The well-dressed young man, who looked to be about Sunset’s age, waved a hand in front of her face. He was clutching a leather-bound book. “Are you alright?”
“H-Huh?” said Sunset, blinking.
“You kind of blanked out there.”
“O-Oh, I guess I did,” Sunset chuckled nervously. “Sorry, I was just thinking about work.” She stepped outside her home, shutting the door behind her. “And I could have sworn I heard you say something incredibly retarded just now.”
“Oh. Well, this won’t take long,” said the man, offering the book to her. “I would just like a moment of your time.”
“Thanks, but no thanks. I’m not exactly a firm believer in—”
Sunset choked on her next words when she looked down. Stitched into the book’s cover, with golden thread no less, was an image of a bean. It wore a halo, and seemed to glow with a holy aura.
“I’m not asking for you to believe me. I just want you to hear me out.”
Sunset turned and began walking away, stone-faced.
“Hey, wait up!” yelled the man.
He quickly caught up with Sunset as she thundered down the sidewalk. He could feel the menace exhuming from her body, daring him to come closer. He did not.
“You’re doing the Great Bean’s work, you know,” he shouted, keeping his distance. He anticipated some kind of response—at least he got something out of that other girl he visited before summarily getting a door slammed in his face—but here he was given nothing. Not even a firm “no.” That’s never happened to him before. Then: an idea. “The birth of the Holy Beanis was preordained by the Great Bean. It’s all in here!”
He opened the book, thumbing through its pages as he rushed to keep pace.
“I’ve studied the great book for years. It speaks the truth! Listen to this,” he cleared his throat. “‘And on that day, the Great Bean will shine its golden light upon the Chosen of the Bean, and it shall breathe new life into that whom has forged the Beanis: the First Beanis, and the most holy.’ Would you like to know more?”
“No,” said Sunset. “Would you please just fu—”
“The First shall be a gift to the Most Endowed One to fornicate with the Most Meek and Frail. They shall fornicate together for three days and three nights, until the stench of the Most Endowed One permeates the air wheresoever they tread.”
Sunset turned right into her favorite coffee shop. The place was packed with patrons eager to get their caffeine fix. Crowded, noisy, tight spaces. Perfect.
But the man was not perturbed. With the Great Bean as his witness, nothing would dissuade from spreading the good word.
“’And on a day most holy, the First shall breathe new life into the one called Sunset Shimmer, and it is she who will deliver Us unto a new and glorious age of bean-based marital aids! She shall present the First unto the Great Bean’s most trusted disciple! It shall be, upon this moment, that the Great Beanvergence will begin commencement! Where man and bean and marital aid shall be brought together as one! So sayeth the Great Bean!’”
Sunset stormed out of the coffee shop as the stares of confused onlookers intensified. After silently vowing to never return to that coffee shop again, she noticed the local art museum across the street. Hoping to lose him, she quickly darted across the street and through the entrance. She shoved a fistful of dollars to the woman behind the ticket booth and walked through the turnstile.
Sunset maneuvered around the various sculptures and prized paintings of food cans. She eventually stumbled upon a tour group and quietly merged with them. The guide at the head of the group was just starting to explain the historical significance behind a painting of two red dots on a white background when she heard an unnervingly familiar voice whisper into her ear.
“’The time of Copious Fornication is nigh. Join in our merriment, ye bean-less sinners, or be left to drown in the flames of the great Beanpocalypse.’”
“Will you just leave me alone?!” shouted Sunset.
The room went quiet as everyone turned and glared at the pair. The tour guide frowned at Sunset and pointed toward the exit. Sunset went red in the face, smiling sheepishly before awkwardly shuffling away.
“—on that glorious day. Rejoice, ye followers of the Great Bean! Repent from thy wicked ways! Heed mine words! Thine ascension awaits!”
Sunset breathed a deep sigh of relief having finally arrived at the entrance to Beanis Inc. She turned to face her stalker, who seemed to be foaming at the mouth, given the vigor with which he had spread his gospel. She gave him a flat look as he gathered his breath.
“Are you done?” asked Sunset.
The man wiped his forehead. “For now. So long as the Great Bean continues to bless me with its eternal wisdom, the good word will never fall silent...hey, where are you going?”
Sunset stopped in the doorway. “Wait right there.” She stepped inside.
The man could hardly contain his excitement. Had he done it? Had he finally converted her to the true word of the Great Bean? He leapt for joy, clutching his book to his chest like it was the girl of his dreams, but he had no need for love. He had the Great Bean.
Sunset emerged from the building holding a plastic bag, held in one of her gloved hands which she kept at arm’s length. “If I give you this will you leave me alone forever?”
“What is it?” asked the man, shakily accepting the offering.
Sunset removed her glove and hurled it across the street. “It’s the first Beanis we ever made. It’s seen a lot of use, and nobody has ever bothered to clean it, so don’t touch it. Or look at it,” She paused. “Actually, you probably shouldn’t even be in the same room with—aaand you’re touching it. That’s great.”
“It is the First. The most holy relic...” The man held the Beanis aloft, cradling it with all the wonder and majesty of a fallen star. “It is more than I have dreamed.”
He fell to his knees, shivering in ecstacy, or maybe it was just what happened when countless venereal diseases entered someone’s body all at once. Sunset couldn’t care any less at this point.
“Thank you, Sunset Shimmer, the most holy Chosen of the Bean! With this, the Great Beanvergence can begin in earnest!”
“Yup,” said Sunset flatly, walking back towards the doors while simultaneously contemplating the cruelty of the universe she lived in. “Have a good day, sir.”
The man turned turned around. He held the beanis high above him, then bowed his head in reverence.
“Great Bean!” He shouted, his manic voice echoing through the empty street. “I pray to you as your most faithful servant, humble and blessed by your eternal presence! I beg of you; accept this most exalted offering!”
Moments later, the clouds began to part above him, just enough for a beam of pure sunlight to stream down onto his joyous, tear-stained face. It was accompanied by a chorus of angels. Sunset turned, her hand mere inches from the door handle. She stared up at the sky, watching in detached horror as a vaguely bean-shaped ball of light descended from the heavens above.
“My child,” spoke the Great Bean in a rich baritone. “You have done well to retrieve that which is most sacred. Your crusade for righteousness was not in vain. You, my lone, mortal subject, endowed with new purpose, and beanis, shall join the angels of Bean Heaven in Eternal Fornication to witness the Great Beanvergence when its time has come. Go now. Be at peace.”
The man laughed in unabated jubilation as he disintegrated into thousands of shards of light, each vanishing as they ascended into the welcoming arms of Bean Heaven.
Author's Note
Praise be to the Great Bean. May your beans never spoil, and may the Great Beanvergence absolve us of our sins.
