===A Lost Con===[/align]
Canterlot… the town where every country pony wants to make it.
The streets flutter and bustle with the busy ponies of the rich and fabulous. Princess Celestia has made this place the hot spot for anypony that craves attention, desires fortune and needs everything. Of course, it was the obvious place for my brother and I to come looking for an honest bit or two.
I catch a glance of a billboard some pony has set up to advertise their comedy show. The message said, ‘You cannot cheat an honest pony.’ It might have just been a show, but it was very true!
I’m Flim of the Flim-Flam Brothers. Flim for short. I’m a southern colt, close personal friends with Fancy Pants, and Photo Finish and I have the same mane-dresser! My brother Flam is a fine fellow too, but we both know I’m the brains of the outfit.
This town is in need of a saviour and it doesn’t even know it yet! However, do not fear, the Flim-Flam brothers are here and they know exactly what these ponies need! All they need is a strong pitch from the kings of the salespony round table. Those kings are us.
Behind us sits the greatest locomotive, automotive cider juicer that Equestria has ever seen. The Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000! Usually ponies flock around us the moment they see her, but we can’t expect the hardworking ponies of Canterlot to do that without grabbing their attention, now can we?
“Well, look here Flam! Would you believe it’s the same in every town?” I begin my pitch the usual way; tease the audience to want what we’re selling before they even know what it is! “Parched lips, empty tummies, can you see any face without a frown? Surely, these folk need a good mug of—"
“Excuse me!” The abrupt interruption throws me off my spiel. A mare, wearing the finest dress and jewellery bits could buy, stands in front of me and my brother to get our attention.
“Good morning, madam!” I try to repair my patter hastily. “Can I interest you in a—” She waves a hoof quickly in my face, shutting me down completely.
“What are you selling, young man?” Having never been questioned so abruptly, I try to regain some of the old ‘Flim-Flam’ cool.
“Why, I’m selling the most delectable, delicious, scrum-diddily-umptious cider that Eques—”
“Cider!” The mare snorts and shakes her head as though some pony had stuck a lemon in her mouth. “Oh, no, no, no, no, no! We Canterlotians do not drink cider!” My heart sinks as fast as my jaw.
“But, but-but-but….”
“Listen here, everypony!” she calls to gather the opulent steeds and mares around us. “These sales-stallions are trying to sell us cider.” There is a brief moment of silence. My brother misreads the crowd’s reaction.
“That’s right folks, the best cider money can buy, the best cider you’ll ever taste, who wants a glass?”
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“Who wants a glass?” I ask my brother in disbelief moments later. “Who wants a glass?! That’s what he asks!” We’ve temporarily managed to hide the 6000 in an alleyway away from the crowd who are still crowing with laughter far away. The embarrassment has forced us to flee swiftly from the well-to-do ponies with our tails firmly between our legs.
“Well don’t blame me, Flim! You didn’t do your research!” He prods me sharply in the chest. “You were meant to find out what these ponies want! I think, ‘Canterlot ponies do NOT like cider,’ is a very important piece of information that you missed out, don’t you, brother?”
I grunt irritably but I can’t help realizing Flam has a point. These ponies are the richest we’ve ever tried to pitch to, but we’re never going to be able to sell them something they don’t like to begin with. My brother and I are good, but we’re not that good!
“You’re right, brother of mine.’ I admit, grudgingly. ‘What we need is a hook, a steal, an—”
“—item these ponies actually want?” Flam finishes, cocking his eyebrow.
“Exactly, but what?” There’s a pause. We peep out of the alley to see what these ponies are hungering for…
“Coffee?” Flam suggests, his hoof waving to the unicorns sat outside a fancy café.
“No, no, no, dear brother,” I hiss, “There’s far too many Sunbuck’s out there for us to be any competition.”
“Chocolate?” he offers again. This is a bit closer to the market we are aiming at, but there is one minor flaw, which I point out to him.
“We’ve never made chocolate, and I don’t think we can work out how to get the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy to make chocolate either. Or coffee for that matter.”
“Well, of course we can’t!” he complains. “She was only built to make cider.” He looks out into the street and tries once to offer a reasonable suggestion.
“Wine?”
I stop. Wine. Of course, my brilliant brother has hit the nail on the head once again, I’m so excited I could kiss him. Oh, to heck with it, I do!
“You’re a genius, brother of mine! That’s what they need! That’s what we’ll sell.”
“We still have the problem of the Super Speedy 6000, brother of mine,” Flam points out. “She’s a cider maker, not a wine maker.”
“Oh, I think with a bit of tweaking she can be given an upgrade. What do you say, Flam?” I grin at him and give him a wink. “Where there’s a will, there’s a way.”
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A few tricks and a bit of sneaking later, and we’re in the master vaults of Canterlot Castle. Don’t ask how we got here, a con pony never reveals his secrets. I think it was a bit of genius that Flam managed to convince the guards Princess Celestia was going to give them a private rendition of ‘My Fair Clementine.’ After that, the rest was easy as pie!
Of course, we are not pinching a few of the state riches for giggles or to line our pockets. That would be madness, a one-stop journey straight to the cold Canterlot dungeon cells. We only need a few particular gems to add to the Super Speedy to make her a Wine Squeezy so that’s all we’re taking, as begrudging as it is to leave the rest.
“I want to lead this one this time.” I look to Flam in disbelief. He wants to do what? The pony has gone mad. He knows I’m the boss, the chief, the leader of our little duet, the stallion with the plan.
“We’re halfway into this plan and you want to lead this? What are you thinking, Flam?” I had to ask. He smirks at me. It’s the smirk he’ll usually reserve for a mark. It’s the smirk that means he’s plotting something dangerous.
“No, no way, no sir, no how!” I’m not ready for this. I lead these grifts so we don’t land our butts in jail, but my brother doesn’t realise the risks. One false step and we’re in trouble! Flam, however, looks immediately hurt and tries to plead his case.
“You’ve always led these cons! Well, now I think it’s my turn. You forget that without me you’re simply a pony with a flashy looking cart. Without me, you’re not Flim of the Fabulous Flim-Flam Brothers. You’re Flim, the apple missing a slice, the…”
“Stop right there.” I stare him down and flick my ear. Maybe this is a kick to the flank my brother needs. I quickly reel off the plan in my head. If he fails, I think I can save the day and still get us a decent cut from this score. I smirk back and give him a slow nod.
“Alright, brother of mine… you’ve got one shot at this. Here’s the stakes though; if you lose, you’ve got to admit that I’m the master planner of our little duo and never try to tread on my cloven toes again.” He sees the serious look on my face and I can see he’s considering what he has to lose.
“You’re on, however if I win, you take my plans seriously in the future and give me a bigger slice. No more 70-30 cuts!”
“Fine by me, Flam,” He’s not got a cat’s chance on the moon of getting this one. I cannot help but sneer and bag up the gems we need, put them all into a saddle. “So what’s the plan?”
He tells me. I stop and think about it. I feel my cheeks pushing up as I give the biggest smile I’ve ever had.
“You know Flam… that might just work! I’ll get the door, my dear brother…” I heave it open with a squeal of hinges and offer a flamboyant wave of a hoof to usher him into the corridor. I don’t even consider checking that the coast is clear.
“Err, brother.” The sound of dread in Flam’s voice tells me everything I need to know. I glance around the edge of the door to see a dozen heavily armoured and extremely angry guards surrounding the door.
We’ve been rumbled.
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I was blind. Not literally, one of these guards had tied a band around my eyes the moment they hauled us out of the castle vaults. It shielded my sight from our fate.
We were pushed to a standstill a minute ago and I can only hear the shaky breathing of my brother to my right hoof side.
“Are you okay, Flam?” I call out urgently, concerned for my brother’s safety.
“I’m fine. I can’t see, Flim. I’ve had a blindfold put around my eyes.” I am at least relieved to hear his voice. “I think they’re coming back!” A distant rattle of chain mail from behind us indeed confirmed this.
“Don’t worry Flam,” I hissed gently, “I can get us out of this, just trust me. Remember what our old Ma said.”
“Don’t give up until you get given up,” he said. I could hear the attempt to smile in his voice. I could also hear his fear.
Suddenly the blindfold is literally torn from my face. The glow of sunlight on my bare eyes is searing, my body completely unprepared for this cruel and unusual torture. A cry from Flam tells me he’s going through the same pain.
I look up at a tall blue blur, trying to make out who this particular pony is. It takes moments for the tears to clear, squinting at the assailant through foggy glass. As the blue figure gains shape and focus, my heart begins to sink from the pit of my chest into a molten mess in my stomach. I stammer as I try to put a name to the stern face staring us down.
“Night, Princess Luna,” Flam whimpered, beating me to the answer. With her wings proudly outstretched, she stands before us on a regal platform before the thrones. The rest of the surroundings seem to blur away, no matter how elegant or luxurious the room is, we cannot take our eyes away from the imperial mare. Her eyebrow cocks ever so gracefully at the pair of us and even my brother and I, the Flim-Flam Brothers; famed across the land, cannot help but bow submissively to her Royal Highness.
“Well,” she said with the tone of a disciplining mother, “at least these young colts have some respect for their Princess. What have you to say for yourselves?” She pauses but she never once lets us out of her terrifying, strong gaze. My brother and I are paralyzed; I wouldn’t disagree that it might even be a spell the Princess had us under.
I try to speak and yet I choke on the words, nothing but air escaping my vocal chords. Flam is smarter; he remains silent as a mouse, although I haven’t even looked at him since my sight returned.
“Thou have both been arrested for crimes against your fellow citizens of Equestria and against your Princesses. We are not amused. We desire thou to speak immediately or thou will face immediate punishments.”
“Your Highness,” I somehow found my voice, “I will explain.” I pause as I try to wrack my brains for something, some excuse that will get us out of this mess. The Princess tilts her head in mild frustration.
“We are listening,” she says slowly, glaring. I gulp and race through my memory banks for a solution, urging my brain to hurry up. Then, it comes to me like a bolt of lightning.
“Alright, here’s the truth of it, Your Highness. My Brother and I are travelling salesponies nonpareil, the Fabulous Flim-Flam Brothers! You may have heard of us!” The Princess is unresponsive to this, so I continue, “We have chiefly been selling cider across Equestria for the best part of two years, ma’am. We have a vehicle that is able to make cider anywhere it rolls, so long as it has the apples to do so!” I pause again, yet there is still a stolid air from Princess Luna. ‘Are you sure you haven’t heard of us?”
“Oh, we have heard of thou,” she grunts, “but we have yet to see where this goes to explain why the pair of you were in the expanded vaults of my sister and I.” I look to Flam, hoping he is not about to crack a wise joke at the Princess’s Freudian slip, however he seems far too concerned about our current situation to consider puns.
“It’s like this, Princess Luna, and before I go any further, I must say you are the most beautiful of the Princesses without a doubt! Now, what was I saying? Ah, yes! My brother and I were looking to borrow a few of your magical gems because we learnt that ponies in this fair city of Canterlot do not appreciate cider! Would you believe it, Your Highness? They would not drink one drop of it!”
“So we decided that if we borrow a few of your magical gems, we could make wine for the masses instead! It was purely innocent and we, of course, were planning to return them. Now, how can you say we did not have Canterlot’s best intentions at heart?”
Flam looks horrified that I’ve revealed our true plans, but my intention is simple. There is no way the Princess cannot say we were merely performing an act of charity now!
“Very easily,” the Princess spoke up. “For one, thou did not ask to borrow said gems from your Princess and second, you are both renowned for your dishonest ways.”
“Of course we are,” I crow, believing I can still repair this, “That is why we want to give back to the ponies.” I look up to her, giving the most painful smile I have ever experienced. She doesn’t share the gesture, but she is apparently considering what I have said.
“So thou would give back to your community, without profit?” she asks curiously.
“Would that save us from being sent to jail?” I inquire hopefully. A dark look from the Alicorn Princess tells me to be quiet.
“My brother means to say that we do intend to give away wine… free and gratis.” I know Flam struggled on those words and I commend him in my mind for keeping his cool.
“Very well. Thou may, and I stress, may be released without charges if you can prove to your Princess that this is true.”
“Of course we can!” I quickly promise. “We can take you to see the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy herself!”
“Herself? She is a mare?” Luna questioned curiously.
“No, she’s a locomotive that doesn’t need tracks!” I put on my best snooty voice, since we seem to be reeling the Princess in, “She’s the most indispensable, indescribable member of our team.”
“You confuse your Princess,” the Lady of the Night tells me. “How can you call an inanimate object a female?” I have to cock an arrogant eyebrow and smile playfully.
“Come with us to see her and you’ll find out for yourself!”
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We lead the Princess to the alleyway where we hid the Super Squeezy. Of course, she keeps a pair of her guard with her for her own safety. We are kept a close eye on with a few pointy objects aimed at our nicely chiselled rears. They don’t want us to run and we get the message loud and clear.
“Here she is, Your Highness!” I proclaim loud and proud. “The Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000. She’s one of a kind, she has the sweetest cider anypony can produce and she is a beautiful creature to boot. What do you think?”
“Oh! Your Princess is very impressed with ‘her.’ So much so that we think we may have to keep ‘her’ for ourselves.” An incredulous laugh leaves my lips.
“Wh-what?”
“Well, we can hardly let a couple of petty thieves like you look after such a beautiful machine. Guards, tie them up!”
“Hey! You can’t do this! You…”
“This is absurd, we’ve done nothing…”
“Silence them too…” Thwack! Suddenly the birds are tweeting, the sky is fading and the ground is a lot softer than I remember as I fall flat on my snout.
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“Flam?”
“Uggh?”
“Are you alright?” I ask with concern whilst trying to fight the fluffy pain in my head.
“No, stallion.” He groans, however that’s my brother trying to make light of the dreadful situation.
I haven’t been blindfolded, but we have been tied together back to back and it seems we’ve been returned to the throne room of the castle as well. Luckily, it had turned to night whilst we had been unconscious so the pain is not as great on the eyes when I open them.
As I stare at the two large thrones belonging to the Princesses, I begin to consider this is all very odd. Princess Luna had enough on us to lock us up by the ankles for a dozen years before she even considered letting us loose, so why would they leave us here? What had the Princess left to say that wasn’t already said?
“Flam, have you got the instant lock-picking system to hoof?” I ask quickly, thinking of our current situation first and foremost.
“Yes but it’s no use! You can’t use a lock pick on rope, Brother.” I roll my eyes at the stallion’s single-mindedness.
“You can, if you use the teeth to cut it!” I explain to him. I can hear the cogs ticking in his brain as he thinks about it. There’s a quiet sound of realisation from him and then I feel him pulling forward so that he can push his snout into his breast pocket to fish it out.
“I can’t get it… Flim, lean back a bit, help a pony out here.” He grunts, struggling about. I do as my good brother asks, yet after a minute of struggling, it’s clear he is still not able to reach it. My plan of gaining our freedom is slowly slipping out of my hooves.
“Now, why do we not help you with that?” a familiar voice says. I try to look around, but I could not see more than a fraction of a wing.
“Princess Luna!” I say with just the faintest growl of annoyance in my voice. I cannot help myself; feeling completely and utterly fooled by the second highest-status Lady in Equestria. I cannot see what she is doing, but a moment later it becomes clear.
“Ah, a lock pick. I am clear with the concept of this item. What confuses your Princess, besides you being here in this situation, is the matter that lock picks do not work on knots.”
“We were going to cut through the rope.” Flam sounds just as grudging as me.
“I can understand you are upset at this situation, dear stallions. Let my guards free you and then we can catch the scoundrels who did this!”
I try to look at her again. She must be joking, but she sounds so sincere.
“Princess Luna, you did this to us!” my brother protests. “You had your guards tie us up, you caught us…”
“FLAM, BE QUIET!” I quickly command. I have a feeling whatever has been going on this evening has not been quite what it seems. However, if Flam was to continue, he could have got us in worse trouble than we already were in.
“What are these slanderous lies? I have not even seen the pair of you before today,” the Princess says in a slightly agitated tone. With a slow breath, I attempt to make some sense for Her Royal Highness, as well as my Brother and me too.
“Your Highness, I think some ponies have impersonated you and your guard in order to con my brother and me. We had a very unique mode of transport…”
“…I suppose you could say it was a mode of locomotion…” Flam chimes in.
“Exactly, Flam. We think these con artists fooled us into showing them our transportation. Then they knocked us out cold, dragged us here and took it!” I conveniently leave out the part where we were planning on borrowing the Princesses’ own supply of gems. If my hunch is correct, she is not aware of that anyway.
“In that case, I want to catch these wicked ponies for impersonating a Royal Princess and for stealing from you, poor gentlemen. Good soldiers, free these ponies at once,” she orders her guards. In a moment, the ropes binding us are severed by a cool brush of steel, which I cannot help but flinch at. I help my brother to his hooves, then stretch out. It feels good to be able to move again and I quickly try to work out the stiffness from my joints.
“Fear not, dear fellows,” continues the Princess, “we shall catch your crooks and we intend to return your device to you!”
“Thank you, Your Royal Highness. I couldn’t believe it when it happened; my brother and I were minding our own business and suddenly there is our Princess taking us into custody! We were very shocked and surprised, it was awful!” The Princess nods and throws her guard a few more orders before hooking me and my Brother under a foreleg each.
“Now, by morning I promise you, we will have your stolen goods returned. It is rather funny, you know. For a moment there, we thought thou might have been the thieves who stole some particular gems from our royal vaults!” She grins to us, and we grin back. As I share a secret glance with my brother, we know we have made it through by the skin of our teeth.
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After giving the guards a full account of events--with some half-truths and some non-truths, we are put up for the night in one of the swankier rooms in Canterlot Castle. I can’t help looking around the room and admiring all of the pretty objects they have in here. Even the picture frames are made of gold. Yet, I can’t help thinking I’m happier appreciating these items than attempting to swipe them. Maybe I’m going honest after all.
I glance to Flam and can tell the same thought process is crossing his mind.
“All I want is to get the Super Squeezy 6000 back,” he remarks when he sees me staring at him, “I miss her so.” I nod and smile encouragingly.
“Do not threat, brother of mine. With a Princess on our side, there’s no way we will be parted for long. Come on, let’s get some sleep.”
The bed is the softest I have ever felt and it reminds me how long it has been since we slept in a proper bed. Maybe my Brother and I made the wrong choices in life after all.
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We are awoken by good news! After checking at the door that we were are both decent, Princess Luna personally steps into the room, escorted by a pair of guards.
“Good morning, dear sirs! We bring good news, your thieves have been found and we need your help to capture them.”
We agree, because this sounds promising and she quickly leads us out into the fresh morning sunlight with an apology for the lack of breakfast. She moves us into a chariot and as soon as we were settled, the guards pull us swiftly into the streets of Canterlot. With the wind whistling through my ears, the Princess explains the situation.
“These ponies have been foolish enough to continue posing as your Princess in order to sell your goods to the good citizens! We need you to step forward and if they recognise you, we will know for certain it is them. Then we can arrest them without a second thought.” The chariot swerves and dashes along the smooth flagstones, before squealing to a halt just before the town square.
“However, I can only ask you to do this for me, my dear gentlemen. It is you who must choose whether to take part. We will of course have your back.”
I share a look with my Brother and we both know the answer has already been decided.
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“Come, gather around, my dear citizens! Your Princess has decided to introduce you to cider!” The fake Luna cheers to her adoring crowd, who now seem to care less if cider was unbecoming of a Canterlotian. After all, it was a smart con; If a Royal is seen drinking the stuff, why would a stuffy, star-struck pony not wish to copy them?
“I’ll take three cups!” cries the mare that had refused our own cider not one day earlier.
“I’ll take four!” cries another.
“I’ll take the whole lot!” screeches a high-voiced stallion from the back.
“Stop right there, Canterlot!” I cry as I step through the crowd alone. The phony Luna does a double take, obviously not expecting me.
“Ignore whatever this pony has to say, Canterlot!” she yells. “He wishes to cast slander upon your Princess.” She smirked at me and uttered to her guards to capture me, however I’m ready for them. In a swift motion, I dodge the first, leap over the second and use the third as leverage to climb on top of the Super Squeezy.
“Hear me out, good people!” I call to the Canterlot citizens.
“Why should we listen to you?” calls back the elderly mare who had offered to buy three cups of cider.
“Because, my good lady, my name is on this wagon as it belongs to me and my brother. Look here!” I point to a lovingly hoof painted signature that the phonies had forgotten to cover up. The ‘Princess’ tries to stammer her case, but the evidence is already on the table, so to speak.
“Hey, I know of this pony,” an anonymous stallion from the back calls out, “He is Flim of the Flim-Flam Brothers! This contraption really does belong to him, we should listen!” With the crowd becoming curious, I protest my case further.
“That good fellow is correct! I am Flim of the Flim & Flam Brothers, Travelling Salesponies Nonpareil, and I have come here today not to sell you cider, but to warn you, my dear little ponies, of an imposter in your midst!” The citizens gasp in horror and so I continue, “I was first alerted to this when these ponies who satirize your fair Princess Luna and her company of guards captured my Brother and me unjustly!”
“’Tis a lie!” She scorns. “Your Princess captured you ponies stealing gems!”
“Then where are those stolen gems?” I contest and quickly drop off the cart. I choose a sincere unicorn in a striking top hat. “You look like an honest, upstanding gentleman. Please, check me to see if I have the gems ‘Your Highness’ speaks of.” He does a quick check of every pocket, under my hat and collar.
“Not a single gem on him!” he concludes and the crowd cheer with the ‘Princess’ urgently trying to hush them fearfully.
“Now, I have deduced,” I explain when the people have calmed, “that these ponies are not who they say they are. So, who could pretend to be a Princess? Has this not happened before? Did I not read in the news of such a thing taking place a few years ago?”
The citizens do the math. “They’re Changelings!” screams the elderly mare.
“That’s right!” I smile at the unmasking of these foes that are now backing up against the cart. “They proved this with their devious ways, their unabashed attempt to imitate Princess Luna, no less, and their underhanded vicious attacks on my brother and me! Changelings, how do you plead?”
The fake Princess and her guards look around the mass, which was far too large for them to take on together. With an angry scream, they burst into their true forms, a set of five Changelings snarling and gnashing their teeth to stop the immediate ponies in the crowd getting to them.
“RUN!” yells the one who had once pretended to be Princess Luna and they force their way through the crowd, only to crash into the hard armour of the guards.
“Arrest them, guards!” the true Princess of the night calls and every unicorn bows. Even I find myself kissing the ground for Her Royal Highness.
“Arise, my little ponies. Guards, take these imposters away. The dungeons will serve them well these next few years!” Canterlot goes wild and I rush back to that pony in the top hat. I sure can disguise a pony up good and my brother had never looked classier, no pony would have known it was him.
“Well done, Flam, that plan from the vaults worked like a charm!” I snicker and nuzzle him comfortably. He is just as happy as me, after all, we just got the Super Squeezy 6000 back!
Out of the corner of my eye, I see the Princess trotted towards us. For once, my brain tells me to do the right thing. I leap onto the Super Squeezy 6000 once more and rummage around until I find the bag of swiped gems. With a last lustful look at what could have been, I heave the swag back to the royal mare.
“I do not know how else to offer my thanks, Your Highness,” I say as I return the goods. She looks, checks it’s all there and then nods, letting her guard take it from here. I look to Flam and we both share an earnest thought to what could have been.
“There is one other thing, my dear Flim and Flam,” she says, grinning and then announces loudly, “I would like a jar of your finest cider!” The crowd bustles forward in delight.
“Oh! And after Your Highness, I would like three!” cries the old mare once more.
“Five for me! After Her Royal Highness, of course!” Fancy Pants yells.
“Flam,” I proclaim, “we were crazy to ever give up the cider making business.”
“I think you’re right, Brother of mine.” He chortles. “Ready, Flim?”
“Ready, Flam,” I aim my horn at the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000 and smile. There’s nothing else I’d rather be.
“Let's bing bang zam!”
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Author's Note
I wrote this a while ago, I enjoyed rereading it, and thought you might too.
Belated thanks to EverfreePony for editing this story.
All good things,
~Duskhoof
