Bootyshy

by redsquirrel456

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Rarity, Fluttershy, Prince Blueblood, Sex
Length: 7689

Fluttershy has a date, Rainbow has questions, and Rarity has an aneurysm.

When Rainbow and Rarity visit Canterlot, the last thing they expected to see was Fluttershy heading to a secret meeting. With a colt, no less. What else are a pair of curious girls to do but relentlessly stalk their shy friend for the rest of the day in the hope of seeing something a little less innocent than a mere date?

Nothing. They will do nothing else.

Cover art by the great dbkit on deviantart.

Published 2018-05-20 02:50:08 UTC
Last updated 2018-05-20 02:50:08 UTC

Peep Show

Rarity loved city sounds, especially in Canterlot. The clip-clop of hooves on stone was a constant companion to the neverending buzz of background conversation, to say nothing of the distant roar of the waterfalls. Rarity drank it all in, let it fill her, energize her. Sleepy summer days in rustic Ponyville simply could not compare to the sheer energy of the city.

But none of it compared to Rainbow Dash, yelling at her across a donut-strewn table outside Donut Joe’s. Rainbow had volume down to a science, especially when she talked about things she didn’t like.

“So like, I told this guy he needs to keep his hooves to himself. He was this close to getting a tail-whoopin’ right there! This. Close!”

Rainbow Dash leaned forward far enough that Rarity had to lean back, holding her hooves a quarter of an inch apart.

“Mmhmm,” said Rarity, taking a slow, thoughtful sip of chamomile tea. It relaxed the nerves. Around Rainbow Dash, relaxation had to take priority above all else.

Rainbow swung back in her chair, far enough to make it tip alarmingly backwards. Rarity’s eyes widened. Ponies at other tables stared. Rainbow didn’t even notice as she flailed her hooves in the air.

“And then just two days later while I was getting on the train today, there he is! Standing there all gussied up like we’re heading to a funeral! And then you know what? You know what happened?”

Sip. “No, darling, do go on, it sounds awful, you know how colts are.” Sip.

Rainbow lunged forward again, plucking a donut off the table and jabbing it in Rarity’s general direction. “He touched. My. Hoof. Right there in front of everypony! I hate it when ponies touch my hooves! Who does that? Just because I tripped getting up the train steps and he just lunges in like I invited him to cuddle on the couch! I mean…!”

She threw her hooves up in the air and shrugged.

Rarity glanced back and forth.

Rainbow shrugged harder.

Rarity took a little more than a sip of tea this time. More like a gulp. “You mean to say, you tripped, and then he took your hoof so you wouldn’t fall?”

Rainbow scoffed and took a humongous bite out of her donut. “Well I mean, my bags were really heavy, so I might have been heading in a groundward direction—”

Rarity blinked through the rain of glazed crumbs. “And you say he was well dressed, and has been waiting for you at the train station every time you’ve boarded a train?”

“Yeah! Creepy, right? I know I’m famous, but this guy’s doin’ some hardcore creeping! How does he even know when I’m traveling?”

Rarity very gently set her teacup down. Pressure built around her temples as she pressed her hooves into the sides of her face. Maybe upgrading from chamomile straight to a fruity red wine was in order.

“Rainbow,” she groaned, “are you saying you thought that the train conductor has been flirting with you? The pony whose job it is to stand there at the platform in fine clothes to welcome ponies on and off the train, and assist them when their luggage is too heavy for them?”

Rainbow’s loud, messy chewing ground to a halt, her mouth slightly agape. Her eyes glazed over as heavily as the donuts, and Rarity watched in horrified silence as they went a little unfocused.

“Uhhhh,” said Rainbow.

Rarity sighed and let her gaze drift away. It would take a few moments for Rainbow to sort herself out—this happened almost every time they had a conversation—so she might as well enjoy the scenery. The ponywatching scene in Canterlot never got old. Fashions, faces, freewheeling and straight-laced, dour and dapper all collided here. Colors across the spectrum to set her creative mind ablaze. Bold blues, lavish purples, deep greens, bright yellows…

Wait, yellow?

Rarity leaned to one side. That particular shade of yellow between the lampposts across the street looked strangely familiar. She peered through the dense sea of pony legs and gigantic coiffures. There, behind the colt in the top hat! Yellow! Yellow and pink, slinking and ducking fitfully through the crowd.

Fluttershy crept into view, then zipped behind the nearest potted plant.

“Rainbow,” Rarity said, “did Fluttershy mention she had business in Canterlot today?”

“I am so embarrassed,” Rainbow muttered, rolling a donut between her hooves.

“Rainbow!”

“Huh?”

“Fluttershy!”

“Where?”

Rarity pointed, but Fluttershy was already gone. “Just there! She was right there across the street!”

Rainbow turned far too late, craning her neck. “Huh. All the way out in Canterlot? Weird. Maybe she wanted to check out, like, a super fancy spa?”

“And not invite me?! The very idea!” Rarity huffed. “Fluttershy is too kind for that. Something must be going on; she looked so very skittish.”

Rainbow rolled her eyes. “Rarity, this is Fluttershy we’re talking about. Skittish is basically her default mode. If she’s visible something’s going on with her.”

“But what if it’s something wrong?”

“She’d have come and talked to us!” Rainbow said. “Besides, there’s still a gazillion donuts to eat, can’t we just finish those first and--”

“Neigh!” said Rarity, standing up from the table. “The donuts must wait. Also they’re terrible for my figure. Fluttershy is up to something, or something is up with her. As her friends, we should investigate lest it be something unsavory, and give her our support with whatever she needs!”

Rainbow raised her eyebrow.

Rarity whined. “Oh come now, Rainbow, aren’t you the least bit curious?”

Rainbow rolled her eyes and shoved a donut into her mouth, scooping a few more into her saddlebag. “Oh, fine. Not like there’s anything else to do. But you gotta promise you’ll help me avoid that conductor guy! I still think it’s creepy how he’s always standing there…”

They followed Fluttershy through a bewildering maze of back alleys, side streets, and untraveled thoroughfares. It wasn’t hard, not with Rainbow’s aerial surveillance and Rarity’s eye for detail. But it was still bewildering. Fluttershy didn’t seem to have a destination in mind. For almost half an hour she just wandered here and there, occasionally glancing over her shoulder with a gentle, confused look, as if she had heard something, then moved on. Through crowds and empty lanes she went, seeming to dip into the richer area of the city before veering off into the shopping district. She quickened her pace, and Rarity swore she had a little, secret smile on her lips by now.

A pang of self-recriminating guilt flared in her gut. If Fluttershy was off to do something she enjoyed all to herself, would it not be appropriate to leave her to it? Would it not be a mark of her great trust in her pegasus friend to just turn around and walk away?

Then she remembered her overwhelming curiosity, and such thoughts were rightfully quashed.

Fluttershy turned onto a bustling main commercial street, where it became almost impossible to keep an eye on her. Rarity and Rainbow struggled to keep up in the press of bodies; Fluttershy was easy to miss when she wanted to be, and she seemed to be right now.

But then, thankfully, she swerved into a quiet back alley where a particular bench waited beneath a particular lamppost. Fluttershy slid onto the bench, and Rarity and Rainbow ducked around a corner to catch their breath.

“Whew!” Rainbow said, wiping her brow. “I’m bushed. All that low-altitude hovering is killer on the primaries.” She took out a donut and chewed it thoughtfully. “You know, I’m pretty sure Fluttershy is just lost, Rares. We should just go over and say hi. We can hang out, go bug Celestia…”

“No, no!” Rarity shushed her. “I still see her. She’s sitting on the bench now. She’s just staring straight ahead. Waiting for something. Waiting for somepony. I can tell an illicit rendezvous when I see one.”

“What, from experience?”

“That’s not important! Now keep down lest she see us!”

Rainbow sighed and settled against the wall. “Man, I’m already down to my last donut.”

Rarity grit her teeth. If she heard the word ‘donut’ one more time, she would light every donut in Rainbow’s bag on fire. Fluttershy still hadn’t moved. In fact, she looked quite content to sit right where she was, swinging her legs back and forth with a contented smile.

Then a tall stallion, strong of chest and chin, with deep blue fur and a shining sand-white mane, peeled out of the crowd and sat next to her.

Rarity’s throat went dry. Her mouth dropped open and she reached over her shoulder, feeling for Rainbow.

“Rainbow,” she hissed. “Rainbow! Look!”

Rainbow swatted her hoof. “Hey! Last donut! Get your own!”

Rarity grabbed Rainbow’s head in her magic and pulled her around the corner.

Fluttershy leaned gently on the stallion’s side, her head on his shoulder. His cheek against her mane. Soon, their hooves intertwined as well, and as they sat in blissful silence on the bench, occasionally their eyes turned to look at one another. The gazes were quiet. Longing. Soulful. The stallion leaned down and whispered in Fluttershy’s ear. Fluttershy quivered and laughed, collapsing against his chest with heartfelt affection as they cuddled.

Rarity’s heart just about exploded out of her chest.

“Rainbow!” Rarity squealed, her voice quickly reaching levels a dog would find uncomfortable. “Rainbow! Look look look look!”

Rainbow gasped. Her wings snapped straight out at her sides with a pomf of feathers. “Is that Fluttershy? No way! She’s with a guy! A guy pony! They’re touching hooves!”

Rarity’s face split into an unspeakable, ear-to-ear grin. She made several sounds akin to a squeaky toy being squeezed in a vice, but through the inane babble Rainbow discerned two words:

“Proud! Questions!”

As Fluttershy gazed deeply into the eyes of the stallion in her embrace, Rainbow found herself suddenly face to face with Rarity, her cheeks squished by Rarity’s hooves. The unicorn’s was not a loving gaze, though it was about as crazed as one. Their noses scrunched uncomfortably as they were smushed together.

“We. Must. Know.”

“We must?” Rainbow said.

“We must! But first... first I need some tactical reconnaissance.” Rarity tossed Rainbow away and peered around the corner. Fluttershy and the strange stallion still sat together, whispering things that made them giggle and blush.

“Rarity, don’t you think maybe we should give them some space?” asked Rainbow. “I always heard it was rude to stare at ponies hugging.”

Rarity rolled her eyes. “We are giving them space! We’re at least twenty feet away. That’s more than enough for them to feel comfortable to do whatever they like while we watch.”

“W-watch?” Rainbow gulped.

“Yes,” Rarity said. “You didn’t think hugging was the only thing ponies did when they look at each other like that, did you?”

Rainbow bit her lip. “Do you think they’ll start… kissing and stuff?”

Rarity let out a disbelieving chuckle, looking over her shoulder at Rainbow. “Darling, you dance around the subject like a filly at a school dance. Yes, kissing. Lip-locking, macking, snogging, frenching, spit swapping? Surely you know what that is?”

Rainbow bowed her head and let out a tiny murmur of noise. She scuffed the ground with her hoof.

Rarity tossed her mane in shock. “Wait a minute. Don’t tell me that you, the most outgoing, impulsive, audacious pony I know hasn’t even pecked another pony on the cheek?”

Rainbow stared back, eyes wide, feathers ruffled. One hoof raised off the ground, as if Rainbow was getting ready to point and flee at the same time.

Rarity blinked. “Rainbow?”

Rainbow pointed behind her. “They’re, uh. Um.” Her face went beet red. “They’re doing a lot more than pecking, Rares.”

Rarity looked back.

There on the bench, lit by a halo of sunlight, framed by a curtain of creeping vines, Fluttershy and her mysterious stallion friend were kissing like there was no tomorrow. Hooves roamed, bodies undulated, and manes tousled.

None of that even made Rarity’s heart flutter, of course. She was experienced enough not to even be phased by that kind of thing.

The fact that Fluttershy suddenly appeared to be kissing Prince Blueblood as a rain of sparkles fell around them, well. That was when her heart skipped fluttering and went straight to smashing its way out of her chest.

Fortunately, Rainbow anticipated the oncoming screech of indignant rage, and her flying tackle was well-timed.

Rainbow liked riding the train. She loved flying, but she also loved being lazy, and it was hard getting room service creature comforts when you were two thousand feet up blazing over the world at mach two. Even though higher class seating was at sea level, it also had comfy cushions and wide leg space with thick walls, letting her get in all the z’s she could even when she traveled long-distance.

Rarity seemed determined to derail that, and Rainbow found herself stuck with making sure she didn’t do it literally.

“HOW COULD THIS HAVE HAPPENED?!” Rarity fumed, pacing the cabin floor in front of Rainbow, who lounged as comfortably as she could on their seats.

Rainbow rolled her eyes. “You need a primer on it? They’re only five rooms ahead of us, you can go check. I still can’t believe we cut vacay short just to follow them home.”

“There were no signs! I should have seen them! There are always signs! Fluttershy disappearing for days at a time…”

Rainbow held up her hoof. “She does that normally.”

“Could this be a cry for attention? Have we been lax in our companionship, letting the flower of her spirit wither away in loneliness until she was driven to desperation? Oh, poor Fluttershy! He must have taken advantage of you in your time of weakness! How?! How could we have let this travesty, this plundering of innocence gone on for so long?!” Rarity poked her head into the train corridor, peering several rooms down. “They’re probably still in there. Enjoying their time alone. His filthy hooves all over her, her naïveté as obvious as the blush on her cheeks. Oooh, I bet he’s enjoying himself thoroughly, that hedonistic cretin!”

Rainbow cleared her throat, rubbing her hooves together nervously. “Yeah. Enjoying… look, maybe it’s not so bad? Fluttershy seemed to be enjoying herself too.” Her eyes widened as she stared straight ahead, her mind’s eye projecting the memory with awful clarity. “Enjoying herself a lot. The kissing I mean. I never thought kissing was that great, but uh…” She gulped, loudly, and gently licked her lips. “They looked like they were having fun.”

“A changeling!” Rarity shrieked, slamming the door shut.

Rainbow shot up so fast she smacked her head on the roof of the train car. “Ow! What?! Where?! Show yourself! I’ll pound ‘em into paste!” she cried, swinging at thin air.

“A changeling!” Rarity said again, clutching the door handle like a lifeline. “It must be! Seducing our poor Fluttershy with dreams of romance!” She pressed her face and hooves against the window and glared at the landscape rushing by. “Oooh, the changeling. It is a clever beast, is it not? Strike for the weak link and the whole chain collapses.”

“Seriously?” Rainbow grumped, settling back into her seat. “I think if Prince Blueblood of all ponies was a changeling the Princesses would know. Isn’t he like, their great nephew’s sister’s… grandson uncle roommate thing?”

“Well how else do you explain it?” Rarity huffed, hugging a pillow as she curled up tight on her seat. “There’s no way Prince Blueblood could have charmed Fluttershy on his own. It must be magic! Didn’t you see it? He even used a glamour to disguise himself in public!”

“A glamour?”

Rarity glared at her hooves as she ground them together, perhaps imagining Blueblood’s head between them. “A common parlor trick used to hide one’s identity! Any unicorn worth their salt can spot one. And Blueblood’s was extremely sloppy and extremely uncouth as well. If I’d been more attentive I’d have spotted it before he let it drop. But why hide their meeting at all, unless he knew it would cause a scandal? He must have coerced her somehow. Baiting her in until it’s too late to escape!”

Rainbow’s wings fluttered nervously. “Whoa. Are you sure? That means… Blueblood is taking advantage of her. We should tell somepony!”

“And expose our dear friend to more public attention than she could ever stand in her life?” Rarity scoffed. “No, put the thought out of your mind. We must approach this delicately and with great sensitivity. If Fluttershy has not seen fit to come forward, we cannot pressure her!”

“But you just said he might be a changeling!”

“Might, Rainbow. Might is the operative word. If we are to uncover the truth behind what’s going on it must be through more clandestine surveillance. If Fluttershy knew we know, she would be mortified. And if Blueblood knew that she knew that we know without her knowing, the consequences could be disastrous. We must know more without either of them knowing that we know they don’t know!”

Rainbow blinked. “Wait, what?”

Rarity reclined on the car bench and threw a hoof across her forehead. “Useless and cowardly though he may be, Blueblood is a very well connected pony. He could have all our faces plastered in every tabloid from here to Griffonstone! Even if Fluttershy escaped unharmed, just knowing a scandal erupted around her would ruin the poor mare.”

Rainbow scrunched her nose, deep in thought. “Why would it be a scandal at all? Is it against the law to snog a prince?”

“No, but the sharks and gossips of Canterlot and beyond would eat up a story of a secret mistress. Especially one not noble herself.”

Rainbow slumped, feeling around for the food tray a waiter left behind. She grabbed an eclair and awkwardly nibbled on it. “Geez, Rares, this is heavy. How are we going to do this?”

Rarity shot straight up, tossing her mane grandly . “The way I see it, we cannot tell our friends about it… not yet. Fluttershy clearly isn’t ready to tell any of us, so we should not spread the word behind her back. Next, we must continue our reconnaissance from a distance. We must find out exactly where they go once they get off this train, and make sure nothing else untoward happens!”

“And if they start being, uh… ‘untoward?’” Rainbow asked.

Rarity finally settled into her seat, crossing her legs primly and taking out a mirror to check her mane. “Then I relish the chance to educate dear Prince Blueblood in the meaning of the phrase ‘kicking the hornet’s nest.’”

It was evening when the train returned to Ponyville.

Blueblood and Fluttershy left the train separately, keeping their profile low. After some hushed pointing and whispering, it was decided Rarity would trail Blueblood, and Rainbow keep an eye on Fluttershy. Blueblood had slipped into his disguise once more, though Rarity noted with some vindictive satisfaction even his glamour stood out in a crowd. It fit the Blueblood she remembered, vain and superficial to a fault. His alter-ego walked with a peacock’s strut, a chiseled jaw, strong chest, luxurious mane, and--she had to see it to believe it--was that an extension of his horn by half an inch?

Really? Ugh! Fluttershy deserves so much better than this lout.

Really, who did this cretin think he was? Was he really so crass he had forgotten what he’d done at the Gala? Certainly not! One did not break Lady Rarity’s heart and not pine over what one had lost. She had no doubt in her mind that Blueblood remembered her the way she remembered him: vehemently, with a lot of cursing and throwing ice cream at his portrait every so often.

Of course, Rarity had to do some accessorizing as well to make sure she wasn’t spotted. So it fell to her old bag of tricks to keep her inconspicuous: a fashionable wide-brim hat that worked almost all throughout spring and summer, a devilishly adorable yellow dress to cover her cutie mark, and ever-so-coy sunglasses. The sun might already be setting, but that just made them even more fashionable.

She kept to the side streets, making sure never to reveal herself in the open. Blueblood walked a circuitous route through Ponyville, visiting places seemingly at random. Rarity noticed his path never once took him near the castle of Princess Twilight.

“Afraid true royalty will find you out, eh?” she snickered. “Rest assured, you ill-mannered brute, your own sins shall discover you someday! Mark my words!”

She pointed a hoof at him. “Mark them!” she barked, her voice echoing across the square. A few ponies turned and stared, then walked on when Rarity ignored them and kept pointing at Blueblood’s retreating behind.

But then she saw just where his route was taking him as the sun fled behind the horizon and the stars began to twinkle. Her heart dropped in her chest.

He was heading straight for Fluttershy’s house.

“Oh no,” she whispered, ducking behind a tent. “Oh, no no no no! They can’t be so bold! So brazen! He must know that she would never admit to having a colt in her house! That scoundrel! Setting her up for the fall over the long game.”

She looked back again. Blueblood showed no sign of stopping. Her mind was made up in that moment: whatever hideous, debauched, dirty things he had planned, Rarity would be there to witness it.

And then put a stop to it after she witnessed it. Obviously.

She put her nose up in the air as high as it could go just to show her extreme distaste, and set off to follow Blueblood at a trot.

He did an awful lot of what Rarity could only label ‘schmoozing.’ Ponyville was known for its inherent friendly nature, where ponies stopped to wave and smile and say hello without even needing a reason for it. Blueblood seemed to be cultivating a social circle, no doubt to secure allies for his inevitable betrayal of them all.

When he reached Fluttershy’s house, the sun hid well behind the horizon. The purple sky wore a skirt of glittering stars, and only a few sleepy crickets tried to be heard over the bubbling stream bordering Fluttershy’s yard. A little candle in her upstairs window shone with a timid brightness, like the shy mare herself was peeking into the night to see her paramour. Blueblood stood pale and proud and glowing silver in the moonlight. He looked up at Fluttershy’s door with a softness Rarity had never seen in him.

She had to admit it all looked rather romantic. But only in the sense her one-bit novels were romantic. There was no way this reminded her of any of the thoughts she had, deep in the dark of night, when the blinds were drawn and dreams came slinking.

No. Did not remind her at all.

She ducked gracefully behind a nearby tree as Blueblood knocked gently on the door of Fluttershy’s cottage. She watched with serene calm the lights slowly turn on, one by one, as Fluttershy went down to meet him. Her hooves most certainly did not tighten their grip around the tree trunk until it cracked.

Her ears quivered with curiosity as Fluttershy opened the door, and Fluttershy’s face lit up with the most beautiful, precious, soft little smile that had ever graced her delicate features. Blueblood smiled back in the most gentlecoltly, kind-hearted, stupendous manner, and after a few quiet words, they both slipped inside and shut the door.

Rarity let out a sigh. Well, that was remarkably anti-climactic. She stepped away from the tree and flicked her tail as she looked over the trunk.

Some ruffian had left horrible gouging marks all over it. She made a mental note to warn Fluttershy of it later; there might be prowlers lurking about.

“Rarity?”

“I WASN’T SPYING!” Rarity squealed as she blasted out of cover and dove head-first into a patch of flowers.

“Yeah, I had to make up like a dozen cover stories to get Pinkie off my tail,” Rainbow Dash said, dropping to ground level. “I’m pretty sure she believed explanations five through eight, but the rest she’ll work out pretty quickly.”

Rarity popped up with petals adorning her nose. “You didn’t follow Fluttershy all the way home?!”

“I did! But then she just hung out here all day until I got bored,” Rainbow whined. “Anyway, they’re both inside now.” Her gaze turned to Fluttershy’s house. “Together. With each other.”

Rarity dusted herself off. “Yes. They are most certainly together.”

Rainbow’s stare held steady. “Alone.”

Rarity flicked her tail, looking off into the depths of Everfree Forest. “No doubt.”

Rainbow fidgeted on her hooves and licked her lips. She kept glancing back at Rarity as if looking for support. “And maybe… doing stuff. Together.”

Rarity put a hoof over her face, trying to block out the myriad images those few words conjured up. It didn’t work. She felt a headache coming on. “Yes, Rainbow. Typically, when a filly and a colt are alone together on a night like this, ‘stuff’ is often ‘done.’”

A few minutes of awkward silence passed. Rainbow couldn’t stay still. She chewed her lip constantly, and her wings and tail refused to stay still, making little jerking movements back and forth.

Rarity groaned. No, this wasn’t a headache. She felt a full-blown migraine hammering at the door of her skull. Stay calm, Rarity. You have been through worse. You’ve given up your entire day to make sure Blueblood isn’t being a professional creep. That’s generous. Very generous. Points in your favor. You are thinking of how horrible Blueblood was to you. You are not thinking of how brutish and disgusting he is currently being with your best friend. How she probably is putting on airs, offering him tea and biscuits before they jump each other like the animals Fluttershy surrounds herself with. How his slimy hooves are crawling all over her while she devours his ugly stupid wanton face.

Definitely not thinking that at all.

“We should keep spying on them! Her! Him!” Rainbow Dash blurted out. “It’ll be, uh, a really bad friendship thing if we just leave them alone, right? I mean, who knows what’s going on in there?”

Rarity stared at the light in Fluttershy’s window. Shadows flitted back and forth within. “You’re an awful liar, Rainbow Dash,” she said, her voice clipped. Precise. Vengeful. “But so am I. Follow me.”

She dropped onto her belly and slithered across Fluttershy’s lawn.

“What are you doing?” Rainbow asked, hovering above her.

“Get down!” Rarity said, snatching Rainbow in her magic and forcing her to the ground. “Do you want them to see us?”

Rainbow pulled her face free of the grass Rarity shoved her into and spat out a dandelion. “I’m pretty sure they’re distracted with sucking on each other’s faces. And you’re moving like a snake. It’s creeping me out.”

“I am not!” Rarity hissed as she slithered right up to Fluttershy’s first floor window, pressing herself against the wall. “Now keep quiet! I need to see what they’re doing. Probably some kind of horrific pre-fornication ritual. Blueblood probably has her dancing on his lap, the scoundrel. Probably dressed her up in the naughtiest Saddle Arabian get-up he could find. You know, the sort that accentuates the flanks and draws attention to the way a mare’s taut belly waggles back and forth, his lecherous hooves wandering all over--”

“Do you dream about this stuff or something?” Rainbow grumbled.

“I’m a mare who must know fashion, and sometimes that includes the kind you only want a particular pair of eyes to see,” Rarity said with a haughty sniff. “Not that Blueblood cares. I know the way his wretched mind works.” She grabbed the windowsill and pulled herself up, peering in just over the tip of her nose. “Whatever he’s doing to her, it’s sure to be humiliating and demeaning, the sort of thing no civilized mare would be caught dead doing in the most degenerate, disreputable—”

She strangled a horrified gasp in her throat. “Hnnnnggthere he is!” she snarled.

“What?! Lemme see!” Rainbow said, crowding her.

Blueblood sat at Fluttershy’s dinner table. Soft candlelight played over his masculine features. He wore a placid smile and gently swished his tail back and forth as a ferret tried to catch it. A sparrow landed on his horn, chirped twice, and took off again. Even Angel Bunny sat in one corner of the room, as peaceful as Rainbow ever saw him. Though peaceful for Angel Bunny still meant mauling his salad dinner and hissing at any animal that strayed too close to his food. Through the window came the faint sound of kitchen clutter.

“Do you see what he’s doing?!” Rarity said, rending divots in the windowsill with her hooves.

“Nothing?” Rainbow guessed.

“He’s got her sweating away in the kitchen! Like some common maid! A house slave!”

Rainbow blinked. “Or maybe she just, you know, wanted to make him food? Don’t ponies usually do that on dates, make food?”

“Like a slaaaaave!” Rarity groaned. “It’s worse than we thought! We have to get in there and break up this travesty of justice!”

“Okay, even I can tell there’s nothing bad going on right now,” Rainbow huffed. “Let’s just go home, Rarity. This is clearly not the kind of thing I… uh, we were hoping to see.”

“No, no!” Rarity said, grabbing Rainbow’s shoulder. “It’s going to get worse. I can feel it. Feel it down in my gut.”

“I think that’s the shame of spying on our friend, actually,” Rainbow muttered. She huffed and started to stand. “Look, can I just get something to eat? I’ll come right back and—”

“NEVER!” Rarity snapped, grabbing Rainbow’s tail. “If I’m going to sit here and stare at Blueblood’s big, stupid, chiseled face, I’m not doing it by myself!”

“But this is boring! They’re not even kissing anymore!” Rainbow groused, trying to pull away. Rarity pulled back. A lot of squeaking and slapping and general ruckus ensued.

“Did you hear that?” they heard Blueblood ask.

They froze in the middle of pulling each other’s ears.

“Hear what?” Fluttershy squeaked.

“It sounded like voices.”

Hoofsteps grew louder. Blueblood must have been peering outside right over their heads. Rarity and Rainbow pressed themselves against the tree house, still as statues.

Rarity couldn’t resist glaring at Rainbow. This is your fault, her glare said.

My fault? Need I remind you this was your idea, Rainbow replied by raising her eyebrows and jutting out her lower lip.

Well, you should have talked me out of it, Rarity said by way of squinting maliciously.

“I’m sure it’s nothing,” Fluttershy said, sounding rather desperate to convince her date. “Why don’t we just finish dinner, hmm?”

“Oooh, do you have much else planned for tonight?” Blueblood asked, bemused.

“Ha ha ha,” Fluttershy laughed, but it sounded less like a laugh and more like a coughing robot. “Of course not! I am just so… excited! To be eating with you. I’m not trying to rush or anything, I mean, um, what is there even to rush to? Ha ha. Ha.”

“What, indeed?” Blueblood purred as his hoofsteps faded back inside.

Rainbow poked her head over the windowsill. All she saw was Blueblood and Fluttershy chatting over a table. A table full of delicious looking food, disappearing into mouths that were not her own. Her tummy rumbled as she flopped back down, clutching her abdomen. “Okay, they’re eating dinner. Can I go do that now?” Rainbow griped.

“No,” Rarity said, staring straight forward.

“...No?” Rainbow asked.

“We are staying right here, Rainbow.” Rarity slowly turned her head towards Rainbow. “Right here. Beneath the window. Where we will watch.”

Rainbow blinked, her ears twitching uncomfortably.

“We will watch and wait,” Rarity intoned, her voice much deeper than normal. Was it Rainbow’s hearing, or had Rarity developed an echo? “Wait and watch,” she said, “until all is complete.”

Rainbow gulped. “Uhh. Until all what’s complete--”

“Dessert,” Rarity said tersely.

Rainbow blinked several more times. “Oooh,” she said, leaning back and nodding. “Dessert! I get it. ‘Cuz then they’ll leave the table and I can sneak some leftovers, right?”

Now Rarity blinked. Only once, and very slowly. “Yes, Rainbow,” she said, with a pitying, half-lidded stare. “That is exactly what I mean.”

And so they sat together underneath Fluttershy’s window, illuminated only by the moonlight. Both of them were thankful the weather team had not scheduled any clouds or bad weather, but Rainbow soon felt her empty stomach complaining ever more loudly. She hadn’t eaten in about three hours.

I bet Fluttershy’s having a great dinner, she thought bitterly. Fluttershy liked to cook. If it weren’t for the animals she might have been a chef. Probably had Blueblood drooling over a big plate of steamed spinach with garlic and butter, salted potatoes, grilled hayburgers. Oooh, yes, Rainbow thought, Fluttershy would reel him right in with a feast like that. A dozen fresh hayburgers. Thick, round patties all begging Rainbow for a taste. Waiting for her to just grab a huge hoofful and sink her teeth in.

Rarity kicked her side.

“Do you see that?” she whispered. “They’re smiling. Smiling and holding hooves over the table! Why, they’ve barely even touched the food!”

“Yeah, great for them,” Rainbow groaned, her eyes wandering. Trying to find something, anything to keep her mind off the thought of food.

Then she saw the flowers. Fluttershy’s entire house was ringed with them, all blooming, in colors from neon pink to succulent yellow. It reminded Rainbow of candy. Or honey. Delicious honey, gooey and satisfying. No doubt the stalks were firm and crunchy, with that sweet white sap gushing onto her tongue, spilling down her chin...

“Rainbow!” Rarity snapped, grabbing Rainbow in her magic and pulling her up.

“What?” Rainbow asked through a mouthful of flowers.

“Look!”

Rarity smushed Rainbow’s face against the window. She just caught the flicker of tails disappearing up the stairs. Angel Bunny dry heaved until the hoofsteps faded, then ran into his burrow. At some unseen cue, the other animals set about clearing the table and putting away leftovers.

“They’re going upstairs,” Rainbow whispered, thoughts of food vanishing.

“They’ve already gone,” Rarity whispered back.

“Upstairs is where they are,” Rainbow said.

“Yes.”

“... Do you think they’re doing stuff?”

Rarity shook her violently by the shoulders. “Stop thinking about it and get me up there!”

“Is that a thing friends would do?!” Rainbow yelped.

“It’s a thing you should do unless you want me to kick your flank right now!”

Rainbow whimpered, peering up into the treehouse’s branches. Was it really worth it? Did she really want to invade Fluttershy’s privacy that far, take a peek into things she had only heard of but never seen? To experience even vicariously the thrill of activities poets wrote of and fillies blushed about?

Yes. Yes she did.

“Okay.” She gulped. “Okay. I’ll--what the hay are you doing?!”

Rarity paused, hanging halfway off Rainbow’s torso. “Getting on your back.”

“You didn’t even let me finish talking!”

Rarity scoffed and finished flopping over Rainbow’s shoulders. “Rainbow, love and war wait for nopony, and where Blueblood is involved it is both love and war. Hup hup!”

Rainbow growled, snapping her wings out. “I’m only doing this because you’re being so annoying, okay? I am totally not violating Fluttershy’s privacy because I’m curious about something as stupid and gross as kissing!”

She griped all the way up. The moment they settled on a branch, Rarity squirmed to the nearest window and mashed her face against it. Rainbow peeked over her shoulder.

Blueblood’s back thumped against the window.

“Agh!” they squealed, recoiling. Blueblood peeled away, careening towards the bed. In his arms, or more accurately, all over his body, was Fluttershy. They kissed, but with a ferocity that far exceeded what they’d seen so far, and collapsed onto the bed, hooves and lips roaming with abandon.

“Do you see that,” Rarity whispered in a raspy hush, her face even paler than usual as she shoved her face back against the window. “Do you see what they’re doing?!“

“... Yeah,” Rainbow squeaked. Her wings, once secure at her sides, slowly began to extend. “I didn’t… I didn’t know you could kiss like that.”

“Look at them! Going at it like animals!”

“Yeah,” Rainbow muttered, her voice distant and distracted. “Animals. Uh. Oh geez. He’s not kissing her lips anymore. Why is… where is he… oh, horse feathers.”

Rarity clapped her hooves over her eyes and turned away. “No, no!” she wailed. “Not Fluttershy! Not there! How could he?! How could she?! I can’t watch, I can’t waaa-ha-haaatch!”

Rainbow moved in to replace Rarity’s spot at the window, her nose and hooves only just poking up over the sill.

“This is way more detailed than Twilight’s books,” she whispered. “Why didn’t they say you could do that? Fluttershy seems to like it.”

Rarity made a noise like a deflating balloon, barely covered by the sounds emanating from the bedroom.

Rainbow licked her lips. “Oh, I get it. Wait. So you can actually… Whoa.”

“Make it stop,” Rarity gargled, developing a horrible shade of green on her cheeks as she rocked back and forth. It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. Her mind whirled with impossible scenarios, all more unlikely than the last, all dominated by the sneering face of Prince Blueblood and Fluttershy’s fawning visage. Somewhere in the distance she heard the bitter cacophony of wedding bells.

“Wait, wait. Is that what I think it is?” Rainbow said, reaching behind her and poking Rarity’s shoulder. “It is. It definitely… Rares, is it supposed to look like that? The book didn’t say it would look like that. Is it supposed to be that big?”

Rarity smothered her scream inside a faceful of branches and leaves.

“They are touching way more than hooves,” Rainbow said. Her voice was quiet. Spellbound. “She’s lying down. He’s… oh. Oh, geez. I think he’s gonna do it.”

“No!” Rarity yelped, shooting back to the window with a branch she levitated overhead. “Not like this! Not with him! We have to stop them! Rainbow move, I’m breaking in before--!”

“Before they do that?” Rainbow said, pointing inside.

Rarity looked inside, and made a sound like she’d been punched in the gut. She flung herself away from the window, hoof over her eyes, and collapsed across the branch that held them.

“So that’s how it happens,” Rainbow whispered in a reverent hush. “Just like that. Like…” She glanced down and knocked her hooves together several times. “They make it look so easy.”

“Make what look easy?” Applejack asked from below.

A few minutes ago, such a surprise might have made Rarity and Rainbow leap up, tails stiff and hair raised, but right now Applejack hardly got a peep out of them. Rainbow was glued to the window and Rarity lay quite insensate among a convenient cushion of boughs, weeping quietly.

Applejack sighed and adjusted her hat. “These two ain’t nothin’ but trouble. Now,” she said, raising her voice, “I know you two ain’t doin’ something that ya’ll will regret in the morning!”

“Shhh!” Rainbow hissed, wagging her hoof. “Pipe down, AJ, I can’t hear them!”

“Hear who? What is goin’ on?”

“Calamity!” Rarity cried. “Despair! A cruel, indifferent universe lacking in morality or pity that has conspired to bring me to ruin! Emotional ruin, but still!”

“... What?” Applejack said.

“Fluttershy’s doing it with Blueblood,” Rainbow said, her mouth hanging open. “And she is really flexible. Nopony said you could do it like that!”

Applejack’s eyes bugged out, as a blush blossomed over her cheeks. She immediately grabbed her hat and pulled it down over her eyes. “Wha-! Of all the-! An’ you two are just sittin’ here watchin’?”

“I’m watching, Rarity’s crying,” Rainbow said.

“I can’t bear the sight of it any longer,” Rarity whimpered. “Woe is me! All my dreams, crushed beneath the weight of inevitability!”

“Wait a minute,” Rainbow said, looking over her shoulder. “I thought we were supposed to be worried about Fluttershy.”

“Hold it, you two!” Applejack snapped. “Ya’ll just get on down from there this instant! You’re trespassin’ on a private moment! Now I will go get my lasso if I have to.”

“Oh, come on, AJ!” Rainbow whined. “We're not hurting anypony. And what are you doing here, anyway?”

“I am bein’ a responsible pony an’ finishing a delivery of animal feed that Fluttershy requested. The question is, what are you two doin’ gawpin’ at a couple young lovers like it’s an open-air rodeo?”

“I am here,” Rarity said, flipping her mane and sniffling daintily, “to achieve catharsis for my shattered heart.”

“Again,” Rainbow asked, “I thought this was about Fluttershy?”

“Forget Fluttershy! This is about my broken dreams!”

“You have dreams of doing it with Blueblood?” said Rainbow.

“I do!”

“I thought you hated him?”

“I did!”

“But you still wanna do it?”

“Of course!”

“That don’t make a lick of sense,” said Applejack.

“Just because someponies have not experienced the full breadth of emotions associated with attraction between two ponies does not mean I must explain myself,” Rarity huffed, rolling some acorns between her hooves.

“That don’t sound like an ‘attraction between two ponies,’” said Applejack. “I think you’re just jealous Fluttershy bagged a Princely fellow before you did.”

The nuts crunched in Rarity’s grip. Slowly. Painfully. “YES. That should be me in there, clutched to that broad, muscular chest! Kissing that handsome chin! Wrapped in passions that only the most carefree and unchained lovers engage in! That wretched, uncouth colt thinks he can brush off a mare like me?! Treat me like he has no manners? I would have taught that Prince a lesson in manners he wouldn’t soon forget! I would have shown him a world of indecency, a universe of vile, licentious ribaldry before leaving him a broken shell of a stallion! He would beg me for mercy and then beg me for more as I left him wallowing in the knowledge of what he could have had! I would have rocked his world and then crushed it beneath my merciless hooves!”

Silence fell over the trio.

Or it would have, if the sounds of two ponies enjoying what nature gave them hadn’t fallen first.

“Gosh,” said Rainbow, turning back to the window. “That’s a cheering voice if I ever heard one.”

“I weren’t gonna say nothin’,” Applejack muttered, folding down her burning ears.

Rarity burst into tears again.

“Do you think Fluttershy would write some of this down if I asked her?” said Rainbow. “This part looks complicated.” Her pupils dilated and her feathers quivered on stiff wings. “Or… maybe I could write some of this down. AJ, do you have a pen?”

“I am not even gonna pretend to understand what is goin’ through ya’ll’s heads,” Applejack said. “This has gone on long enough, an’ you two need to give those ponies their privacy!”

“It’s a crime!” Rarity whined. “Applejack, don’t you think Fluttershy deserves better than that horrible monster in there?”

“What Fluttershy does on her own time is none a’ my business, an’ if she were in any trouble, I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t sound like that. Now you two skidaddle or I’ll skidaddle for ya!”

“Yeah, sure, sure,” Rainbow said, still looking inside. “Gimme like… ten minutes. They’re just about to… whoa. What?! How do they even do that?!”

“What is it? Let me see!” Rarity said. She only took one look inside before she hurled herself away again. “Augh!” she croaked. “It’s too much! That’s right out of chapter seventeen of Scarlet Meetings on Sultry Nights! I never should have given Fluttershy that book! It’s all my fault, or his fault, or… I don’t even know anymore! I’m…”

Applejack’s eyes widened as Rarity tottered dangerously on the branch.

“I’m going to faint,” Rarity said, going stiff. “Applejack catch me.”

“What? Rarity—Ahhhh!” Applejack jumped into action as Rarity toppled right out of the tree. Fortunately, it was not a very tall tree, and Applejack’s back was strengthened from many years of farm work. That didn’t make the inevitable collision any less painful, however.

Rainbow didn’t even look down as the thud echoed upwards, barely audible over what was going on inside.

“Ow,” said Applejack, hefting an unconscious Rarity up on her shoulders. “Oh, fiddlesticks. Now I gotta cart the screamin’ marshmallow home. Rainbow!”

No answer.

“RAINBOW!”

“Guh… what?” Rainbow asked, still transfixed.

“Get your keister outta that tree, or so help me!”

“Yeah yeah, sure,” Rainbow said. “I’ll be right along, just, like… two seconds.”

She let out a very bird-like squawk as a clod of dirt whapped her right in the face.

“Ack! Okay, I’m going, I’m going!” Rainbow wailed, shooting off into the sky with a burst of rainbow contrail.

Applejack sighed, wishing at that moment for nothing more than peaceful silence. Unfortunately, even with Rainbow and Rarity out of commission, there was still very little of that. Applejack glanced up at the tree and the single bright window, tilting her hat back on her head.

“For what it’s worth, Fluttershy,” she said, “I dunno what’s goin’ on, but you sure do sound happy. So… get ‘er done, little pony.”

She trudged off into the night, cursing dramatic mares and weird friendships all the way home.

Nopony noticed Rainbow Dash poking her head out of a bunch of reeds down by Fluttershy’s creek about two minutes after Applejack left. Seeing the coast was clear, Rainbow slunk out of hiding, biting her lip as she crept back to the tree, and hopped up to the window once more. A quick look inside confirmed Blueblood and Fluttershy still going at it with abandon.

“It’s a good thing I’m so fast,” Rainbow muttered to herself, pulling out a pen and paper from her saddlebag. “Now… what were those big words Rarity used?”