The Setup

Chapters

An Invitation
A Bit One Sided
Listen to Granny, Dammit!
Barns Make Great Conversation Starters.

An Invitation

Ol’ Macky was busy having a starring contest with the back of Fluttershy’s head. Boy, was that a sight. Huge n’ strong Big Mac, leaning over on my stand, his head in his hooves, eyes little hearts and all. He kept letting out these little sighs too, every now and then, to let you know just how damn enamored he was. Fluttershy was acting completely oblivious to the poor guy. That’s something that always drives me nuts. I mean, I knew this Fluttershy mare (not knew her knew her, but we’ve talked before), and boy, let me tell you if she isn’t a smart one. Not book smart, anyway, but she picked up on stuff alright. So there she was, on the other end of the market talking to Applejack like she had no idea just how goddamn enamored Big Mac was with her. I guess its just a mare thing, but it still drove me nuts.

You know, it’s always something with mares. Honestly it is. Like that one Fluttershy was talking to. Me and her, we had hung out a few times, just talking in the market or if we happened to pass by or whatever, when all of a sudden she starts acting all cute at me. Not in the way all fillies do, you know, but the real intentional type of cute. Next thing I know, I find out she’s my best friend’s little sister. Mares are always doing stuff like that. Acting all flirty with you, then they go around and be a pal’s little sis. Drives me crazy, I swear. But damn it, if she wasn’t beautiful. Yellow mane, orange coat, always wearing that old cowpony hat. I took a glance at Big Mac, busy losing that starring contest, and then looked at Applejack. I guess before I really knew what was happening I was doing the same as him, head in my hooves and all that. She really was something, that mare. Worked the farm with her brother, Big Mac, so I knew she was strong. Another thing about her, she couldn’t tell a lie to save her life. I liked that about her. I mean, I wasn’t like Big Mac was around Fluttershy, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have a big old crush on her.

“Parch?”

“…”

“Parch!”

“Hm?” I turned my head real slow like to Big Mac. That’s the thing about Big Mac that you’d never guess. He never knew when a guy was trying his damn best to ignore somepony. “What’s up?” I made my voice sound all irritated and all. I mean, I didn’t bug him when he was going all goo-goo eyes, did I?

“Yah see that mare over there? The one talkin’ to mah sis.” He lifted one of his hooves and pointed her out to me, just in case I missed her. Because there was only one mare talking to his sister in the first place and he wanted to make sure I knew that.

“Yeah. Yeah I see her Big Mac.”

“She’s cute.”

“I know.”

“…”

He kept shuffling his hooves and looking down. He was blushing and all, too. The guy weighs more than a ton, could crush a tree with his hind legs, and he was standing there acting like a scared little school colt. Priceless, let me tell you. Anyways, I knew the pony wanted me to say something, so took the bait. “… What’re you gonna do about it?”

“Ah wanna ask ‘er out.” His answer came quick. He was expecting me to ask.

“So do it.”

“Ah will.”

“Good.”

“…”

So, of course he keeps standing there, shuffling his hooves and all that. He’d sort of look up a little at Fluttershy, then blush like a mad pony and keep shuffling. We’d had the exact same conversation something like twenty times before, and it always led back to that. See, I don’t really get it. I mean, the stallion works harder than anypony I know, and that day was one of the few he’d take off of work. And it was always, always about Fluttershy on his days off. But for all that work he did, he could never get up the nerve to ask the pegasus out on a date. I mean, with me and Applejack there’s a reason and all. She was showing me the signs and everything. I mean, if I could just go and ask my best friend’s younger sister out to dinner or whatever with no problems, I’d be all over it. She would be to, honestly, but I sort of stopped talking to her once I figured what was going on. I didn’t completely faze her out of my life or anything, don’t get me wrong. I’d still say ‘hello’, and ‘how are you’ and all that cheesy sort of polite stuff, but we hadn’t really talked since I noticed the hints she was dropping. I mean, she was great and all. Really great. But I was a bit scared, if you want the truth. They call him ‘Big’ Mac for a reason, you know. I know we were pals and all, but I wouldn’t want to risk insulting the guy or anything like that. Like I said, we were pals.

And when I said Big Mac was my best friend, I meant my only real friend. Now don’t get me the wrong way or anything. If one thing bugs me, it’s when somepony gets you the wrong way. I’m not antisocial by any stretch. I was friendly with other ponies, all right. You know, exchange a few words here and there, and maybe even attend a party or something like that. So yes, I had friends, but Macky was my only real friend, the only guy who I could share secrets with and stuff. I don’t know, he was just different than the others. He never went to those party things, of course. Said he was too busy with the farm and all. Thing is, I spent most of my days working the stall I got in the Ponyville Market anyhow, selling quills and parchment. I know, not exciting work or anything, but it got me bits and bits were important. So naturally I didn’t have much time to go play around with every damn filly or colt I saw walking down the street. Big Mac was like me, sort of. I mean, he worked most of the time, so we both had that in common. I don’t know, we just kind of clicked and became buddies is all. He bucked apples and I sold quills and parchment.

That’s my name, by the way. Parchment. Most just call me Parch, though. See, my parents were aiming real high when they named me. Not my little brother, though. They went ahead and named him Lucky. You know, so they had one son pretty much doomed for the family business and another out to make his fortune, or whatever. It’s just as well, too, because my cutie mark ended up being a quill and parchment anyhow. Only problem was now all of everypony keeps thinking I’m some kind of fancy writer pony. Always feels bad, breaking the reality to them. You should see how disappointed some of them get, I swear. You’d think it was their job I was talking about. Besides, I’m an Earth pony. You probably assumed that anyhow, right? Most ponies tend to think that, if your not going on and on about some magic trick or how great at flying you are, or whatever. Anyway, its not so easy to use quills with your mouth, let me tell you.

So Big Mac was going to chicken out again, as best as I could tell. Good thing too, because right then this little pink pony named Pinkie Pie bounces up the street and plopped down right next to Fluttershy. And Big Mac was scared silly. I mean, if I ever saw a red stallion turn white quicker than he did, I’d die of laughter. Really I would. He got this expression on his face that said he was sick or something, like he always did when Pinkie showed up.

I’m not entirely sure just what happened between the two, all I know is that something happened. A party went bad or something like that, and poor Big Mac had been scared of Pinkie ever since. I’d ask, of course, but he’d always drop it. I eventually let it go. I mean, I didn’t want to pry, or anything like that. So while Pinkie was talking to the two mares, bouncing around all animated and what not, Big Mac of course made out like he had someplace to be.

“Erm, y’know what Parch? I’m mighty late fer, ah… somethin’ or other down at Sweet Apple Acres. If’n yall excuse me, I’d best get down there.” Just like his sister, the guy couldn’t lie for a bucket of apples. He was practically walking away when he said it, too.

I had to hold back a laugh, it was so obvious. “Yeah yeah, sure thing Macky. But, uh,” I brought a hoof to my chin, all inquisitive. “Isn’t Sweet Apple Acres… that way?” I pointed my hoof towards the street the three mares were. I guess it sort of dawned on him just then that he’d have to go through them to get to the Acres. Boy, if his eyes didn’t dilate ten meters. I think he was sweating, too.

“E-Eyup,it is, but y’see…” He was starting to stutter and everything, so I decided to have a little fun with him before he left.

“I mean, you been living there your whole life, right Macky? Wouldn’t you of all ponies know just where it is an’ how to get there in the first place?” I said it all innocent and dopey like, making out like I was serious. That’s how we joke, me and Macky.

Well, he caught on real quick like and smiled. He knew I knew just why he was leaving and all. He was smart like that. He nodded a little, said “Ah know a short-cut.” He was always quick with the comebacks, that Big Mac. It’s kind of funny, the way everypony in Ponyville looks at Big Macintosh. Most know him as really soft spoken and quiet and all that, and I guess he was, too. But around me, around his pals and all, he was more extroverted. Well, not extroverted extroverted, but definitely more of a conversationalist. Take that scene with Fluttershy. If he wanted you to ask him a question, he’d at least let you know he wanted you to ask him a damn question. He was a lot more normal than most ponies liked to think, and I mean that in a good way.

So he trotted along, off to find his ‘short-cut’ or whatever it was he really had in mind. Not a second after he was out of sight, that Pinkie Pie started bouncing towards me, huge goofy grin and everything. I didn’t really have time to think, because when that pony has something to say, she’s gonna goddamn say it.

“Parch! Guess what, guess what, guess WHAT!?!” Every word got its own little hop outta Pinkie. I always liked that about her. I mean, she’s a bit of a hoof full, but she so damn happy all the time it’s infectious.

“Gosh, let me think it over, eh?” I couldn’t help but smile. Everypony knew that only one thing got Pinkie so pepped up, but I thought it best to humor her. So I pretended to mull it over a little, looking up at the sky and all that. “I don’t know, Pinkie. What?”

“I’m throwing a super-duper-extra-special-alligator-birthday-bash-for-Gummy and YOU’RE invited!” Pinkie’s eyes had stars in them, I swear. She had this little pet alligator named Gummy. Never seen him before, but I had heard his second or third birthday was coming up. She stopped bouncing and just stood there, grinning like crazy. It was enough to make me chuckle, and that’s saying something. Aside from Big Mac, Pinkie was the only one who could make me really laugh my flank off, if she tried. I knew my answer already, but before I got a chance to tell her, Fluttershy and Applejack decided to make their way over.

“Well howdy, Parch.” Applejack said. Celestia, how I loved her voice. Some ponies can’t stand those kind of accents, the southern kind, but with Applejack it was really inviting. I could go on and on about her voice, her looks, her everything, but I’ll spare you all the mush.

“Hello Parchment.” Fluttershy didn’t really say it so much as she whispered it, but I didn’t mind. She was just sort of quiet like that and real polite too, always using my full name and all. She’s the kind of pony I can’t imagine ever cursing or anything. I mean, I don’t curse too much, not out loud. But in my thoughts, I curse like a sailor. I curse like its my job. I can’t imagine Fluttershy even thinking like that. She just doesn’t seem like that kind of pony, seems really nice. Easy to see why Big Mac’s crazy for her, even if she did sort of ignore him.

I didn’t reply, because just then Pinkie started bouncing again and asked them “Guess who I just invited to the super-duper-extra-special-alligator-birthday-bash-for-Gummy!?!”

I decided to be friendly and give them a hint. “Guess who just said yes?” my voice had a hint of a laugh in it, which was actually unintentional. I mean, I’m a pretty happy stallion, as far as stallions go, but being around Pinkie just brings that out of everypony.

“Golly, this is sure shapin’ up to be one heck of a hoedown, Pinkie!” Applejack said, before turning to me. Her eyes really were something else. “It’ll be nice havin’ you there too, sugarcube. Been too long since we had a good chat.” I smiled politely and nodded. I couldn’t really tell from her voice if she was implying something more, or just honestly wanted to have a good chat. I know her eyes were saying something, though. It had been a while since we really talked, anyway. It really would be nice to see her at the party.

“Oh yes, It’ll certainly be good to see you somewhere other than behind your booth. Um, I mean, not that there’s anything wrong with that, if that's where you want to be…” Fluttershy was getting all apologetic, like she’d made some big mistake in saying that. I sort of laughed it off, laughed it off because I really liked that about Fluttershy. Equestria could use more ponies like her, let me tell you.

“Don’t worry about it, Fluttershy. I suppose I could use a break and all.” I said it all suave like. I don’t mean to brag or anything, but I’m always suave as hell around the mares. Or at least, I try to be. I sort of looked at Fluttershy for a second, and I got this little idea running around my head. “ Say, you wouldn’t mind if I brought a friend, would’ja?” I turned my head to Pinkie Pie.

Now, she got this look on her face like she had some kind of big idea. “Ooh, is it a filly? A fillyfriend? Or just a fillyfilly? Ooh, is she a friendly fillyfilly?” Pony talks a mile a minute, I swear. I could see Fluttershy blush a little, being so shy and all. I could have sworn I saw Applejacks eyes change for a second or two. You can bet they changed when Pinkie said ‘fillyfriend’.

So, I cleared the air pretty quickly, sort of waved my hoof as I did. “No, no! Nothing like that, or anything. It’s just… I got this friend, see? Works real hard, harder than anypony I know. And I mean, he’s like me and all. Doesn’t get out much, you know? I think this party might be good for him, help him get out there more, meet some ponies and everything.”

“Of course he can come!” Pinkie was always ecstatic at the prospect of another guest to entertain. “Oh, but now I feel bad that I didn’t invite him earlier! It must be so miserable, having all work and no party!”

Applejack chimed in “Well, I think that’s awfully considerate of yah, Parch. What’s this stallion’s name, anyhow?”

Fluttershy continued “Who could it be? I don’t know anypony who works harder than Applejack here. Um, I mean, not that you all don’t work hard or anything…”

Now, here’s where I got a little crafty. See, I didn’t want any of them to know it was Big Mac I was inviting. I figured I’d tell Applejack later on, whenever I could see her alone, and keep the others in the dark until the party. Suspense, and all that. I smiled, said “It’s a surprise, but trust me. You’ll love him.”

Applejack looked at me sort of skeptical like. You know, one eyebrow in the air and all that. She’s another one, always quick to catch on to something suspicious. Pinkie, however, was pretty excited. “Ooh! I just love a good mystery!” She gasped louder than I thought possible. “I know! Since I felt so bad about not inviting him in the first place, I’ll make him a special cake! It’ll say ‘Sorry-I-Didn’t-Invite-You-Sooner-Mystery-Pony-!-I-Hope-You-Still-Enjoy-The-Super-Duper-Extra-Special-Alligator-Birthday-Bash-For-Gummy-Party-!’ all in pink frosting!” She brought a hoof to her chin and thought. After a second she said all serious “Huh… That’s gonna be one big cake.”

Applejack ended up agreeing with Pinkie. “Well, if he’s alright in your book, I reckon he’s alright in mine. Just tell us, is it somepony we outta know?”

I chuckled a little bit. “Yeah, I’d say you know him pretty well. No more hints though! Wouldn’t want to ruin the surprise, would we?” I smiled at her, all charming. She smiled back, said she’d see me tonight. While she and the others trotted away, I got to thinking. It was nice, just talking with Applejack like that. Like I said, we hadn’t really talked for a little while, and I was starting to miss it. I mean, the last thing I wanted to do was hone in on Big Mac’s little sister, but damn it she was amazing. It felt great just to be around her, but the love thing didn’t hit while I was talking to her, rather after. I got this odd feeling in my stomach. It was just a really odd feeling, like it was telling me it wanted more, more of Applejack. I don’t know, I’m really not good at all that mushy stuff. Talking to her just then reminded me how much I wanted to talk with her always. I was surprised on how easily they gave up guessing who the stallion was, though. I assumed they just loved a good surprise as much as the next pony. They probably didn’t expect me to invite Applejack’s older brother, anyhow.

I let out a sigh once they were out of sight. Figured I could get away with closing up shop early, start getting ready for the party. It’s not like I made a hobby out of this, so one day wouldn’t kill me.I get surprisingly good business.I kind of stopped for a second, after I realized a minor snag in my plan. See, I’m always doing that. Thinking up a plan or scheme or something, and I end up ignoring the most obvious flaws. The biggest challenge I had ahead of me: convincing Big Macintosh to go with me. For starters, I didn’t even know just what it was about Pinkie that scared him. I mean, she’s always the nicest pony around me, around everypony. I’d also have to convince him to talk to Fluttershy once he got there. I mean, that’s the whole reason I was inviting him and all. It’s like I said before, I’m friendly with a lot of ponies, but Big Mac is the only real, honest to goodness pony I’d trust with my very life. Maybe I just have high standards or whatever, but the point is I wanted to help him out. Get him some social skills and what not. That and it was pretty damn annoying seeing the guy blush and rub his hooves every damn time he saw Fluttershy. And hey. Maybe, if he ended up with Fluttershy, he’d be cooler about me ending up with Applejack…

I closed up shop started going in the direction Big Mac went. If I was going to pull this off without a hitch, I’d need to get the big guy ready.

A/N: Okay, so heres this then. Got a good review over at the Ponychan by a gentleman by the name of Vanner. Let me know just how much you like/loved/hated/digested this chapter in the comments!

A Bit One Sided

It was the worst kept secret in all of Equestria that Carmel Apple was a colt cuddler. I mean, I don’t have any problems with that, or anything, but it was just so damn obvious. He was always friendly with the mares, but never friendly friendly. He was always styling and touching his mane every five seconds. He also talked like something was up, but you didn’t hear that from me. The second worst kept secret in all of Equestria was that Carmel had the hots for his boss, Big Macintosh. Now, for the longest time I thought they were related. Turns out they only share the surname, Carmel being adopted by his aunt and all. He’s just a worker there. Well, you can bet I gave old Macky hell about it every chance I got. He’d never acknowledged poor Carmel, which I felt kinda bad about. I mean, they guy was head over hooves for him, might as well set him straight. Er, you know.

Whatever. Carmel was actually a nice enough guy, which is why I didn’t really mind bumping into him while I looked for Big Mac. He had this voice, though. Just kinda grated at you, y’know? He had an accent, all right, but a different kind than Applejack’s. I happened to meet him just after I left the market, actually. He was standing there, chatting it up with somepony behind a flower stand or something, when he saw me out of the corner of his eye. He turned and said, way too enthusiastically, “Oh, Parchment! It’s so fantastic to see you again!” He’s the kind of pony who’ll say that even if you just saw him yesterday. I figured maybe he’d help me find Big Mac. He’s always got an eye out for Big Mac. I trotted up next to him. Besides, the flower pony had turned and started talking to somepony else, so now I was stuck with him.

“Hey there, Carmel. How’s life on the farm?” I didn’t really care, but I needed an easy in. He’s like a mare, you know. Loves a lot of pointless small talk.

“Oh, it’s fine, thank you. A bit laborious, but all that bucking is really great for my flanks, wouldn’t you say?” The guy proceeds to turn around and give me a full frontal view of his behind. I guess it was to show me how toned they are, or whatever, but I didn’t appreciate it. And I mean they were right in my goddamn face, too. Well, I was pretty uncomfortable with that. Like I said, I don’t mind the gay thing, but boy was this guy obvious. Obvious and flamboyant.

“Ahah, yeah, they sure are um… toned?” I was struggling to form a coherent sentence. “Listen, you seen Big Mac around here? I need to find him real quick.”

He turned around and glared something fierce at me. Then he lowers his head and puts on his best ‘Joe Cool’ impression. You know, eyelids lowered, looking away, hoof rubbing his chest and all. He sort of leaned up on the flower stand and made off like he was real chill.

“Hmm… I might’ve. Why do you ask?” You could tell he was trying his hardest not to look too interested. See, I had heard ponies saying things, like that he was jealous of all the time me and Big Mac spent together or something. I didn’t want to believe them, because I really did like Carmel, but he’s just so obvious about it. He’s obvious about everything. You could read this guy like a book, believe me.

I let of an irritated sigh, which I admit was a pretty rude thing to do. He hadn’t done anything wrong, really. But I wanted to find Big Mac as fast as I could. After all, I’d need all the time I could to get the big guy ready. “Carmel, listen. I know this thing you got for Big Mac, but-“

“Thing? What thing? There is no thing between me and Macintosh; I don’t know why everypony keeps saying that!" His voice got high, higher than normal, and it was all shakey and laughy, as if he was telling a lie. He was. Did I mention he denied any and all romantic interest in Big Mac? For god’s sake, he bought the guy flowers on Valentine’s Day one year. That spells “Love Interest” to this guy, but hey.

“… but I need to find him right away. I’m trying to help him out with something.” I was pretty annoyed that he interrupted me, but I ignored it. Guy gets enough flak about being a closeted colt-cuddler; least I can do is be nice to him.

“Oh? Help him with what, pray tell?” He was always using little expressions like that. It sounded like he was trying his hardest not to yell again. I don’t know why he gets so emotional, honestly. He spent too much time with that one designer pony, if you ask me.

“I just…” I didn’t know what would happen if I told him about that party, if he’d just invite himself over or what. But I didn’t see any real reason to lie to him. “… A party, okay? There’s this party I got invited to, and I gotta tell Big Mac. He’s invited, too.”

He shut up for a little bit. “Oh. Oh I see. And the two of you stallions are going… together?” He looked up at me, all of a sudden he was acting real bashful. He’s real confusing, in the same way a lot of mares are.

I didn’t really get what he was implying at first. “Well, yeah. How else would…” Oh. Right. “Uh, no! No! It’s not like, we aren’t, he and I…” I sort of hated Carmel for even putting that image in my head. I’m awful at dealing with things like that. I thought I’d turn the awkward tables on him, let him know why I was really bringing Big Mac along. I was sure he’d find that information awfully interesting. “There’s this mare, gonna be at the party… Big Mac likes her. A lot. I’m gonna try and set them up together,see? As sort of a favor.”

He was quiet again, but a different kind of quiet this time. Like, the kind of quiet you can hear. I don’t know, it’s hard to explain. It was heavy, a real weighty type of silence. I couldn’t see his face, because he kept his head down and that damn stylish mane got in the way. “… Ah.” And that’s all he said about it. Boy, if I didn’t feel low just then. I guess it was the only way to get him to shut up and help, but it still felt kind of bad. The way he was acting, though, you’d think he never realized old Macky was straight. I don’t know, maybe he never did. I sort of pitied him just then, for getting his hopes all high.

So we both stood there a little while longer, not making eye contact. He sighed a few times before raising his head. “Come along, now. He took a short cut to Sweet Apple Acres. I’ll show you, if you’d like.” Something in his voice had changed.

“Thanks, Carmel. I’d appreciate it.” So he had gone back to the Acres, and there was a short cut after all! Who’d a thought? So Carmel leads me away from that stand and up to this big line of really tall bushes that snaked nearly all the way across town. At first I just thought it was nothing, but Carmel pulled away a few branches and wouldn’t you believe it if there wasn’t a little pathway running straight through the middle.

“With this, you can get straight to the Acres without having to hassle through the streets. He, his sister and I would play in these when we were younger.” He added with a bit of sadness. By now I was feeling horrible, but I all I did was nod at him, all quiet like. Did I really just break somepony’s heart? Maybe I was reading a little too deep, but still. Wasn’t a great feeling, let me tell you. He led me in and we got on our way.

We kept walking along through the bushes in complete silence. I could tell you that it was because we didn’t want to be caught, expose the shortcut and all, but that’d be a lie. In truth it was just awkward as all hell, because every now and then I’d hear a little sniffle or sigh from in front of me. I thought maybe I should apologies or something, but that might’ve just made it more awkward. I don’t know how, it just might’ve. It’s hard to explain. Lots of things are hard to explain around Carmel.

Soon enough Carmel stopped short. I knew that because my entire field of vision was composed of his tail and flank when I bumped into them head first. That guy was always shoving his flank in somepony’s face, intentional or not. “Hurry along. He should be working the fields now. He works so awfully hard... ” It really was a short cut. We’d made it there in around five minutes, much shorter than it would have taken otherwise. We also didn’t run the risk of seeing any of the mares. Carmel went and pushed forward through the bushes.

Boy, you’d have loved Sweet Apple Acres. It was huge, and beautiful, and there were apple trees everywhere. It seemed like the sun was shining every time you went there. They had this big old barn; I wish you could've seen it. It was old and red, and a little run down, but it had this weird charm about it. The whole farm had a charm about it. The fact that the mare of my dreams ran the place sure added to that. Another thing I loved about Sweet Apple Acres was Granny Smith. She was always just sitting in her creaky old rocking chair on the porch of the old house. I had been to the Acres more than a few times and only spoken to her a handful of those times. She was always offering really sage advice, you know, real simple but honest advice. It was because of her that I really fell in love with the place. It’s sort of hard to explain, though.

I remember this one time, a while back, I was having dinner there. Applejack wasn’t there, which was good because I'd be liable to go goo-goo eyes in front of Big Mac. But it was a fine time, and Granny baked one hell of an apple pie. She was out in her chair the whole meal, though. When I got up to leave, I sort of saw her out through the screen door, just sitting and rocking. The sun was going down so the light was just on her face and all. A little bit of a breeze came and blew through her mane. She was asleep. I saw just how old she really was. I mean, her face was cracked and wrinkly and splotchy all to hell. She wasn't very pretty. I started hoping Applejack would end up like that one day, you know. Applejack never wore any of that makeup city ponies wear. Her face was already worn and dirty from the farm life she lived. But I liked that about her. See, with somepony’s face, you can tell things. Like, where they been and what their life has been like. Makeup just covers all that up. I started hoping that, one day, Applejack’s face would be as splotchy and wrinkly and full of stuff as old Granny Smith’s. Ever since that day, the old farm had meant a whole lot more to me. I couldn’t really explain it any better than that. I’m awful at explaining these sorts of things.

I was sort of sad to see that Granny wasn’t out rocking in her chair that day, but we kept on walking. We had come out a little ways off of the main entrance,which was a really just a white picket gate, so we could see the side of the barn and the fields in back. The apple orchards were behind that, on the other side of the barn. I could see Big Mac pulling the plow from where I stood, but Carmel led on anyway. I was sort of dreading it, him talking to Big Mac. He was just like a mare, y’know? I could never tell what the hell was going on in his head. And that bugged the crap outta me.

A/N: This chapter may recieve some editing. I'm not to pleased with it, to be honest. Comment, please.

Listen to Granny, Dammit!

So me and Carmel reached where Big Mac was working. He hadn’t been working all that long, you could tell because he wasn’t sweating. He was pulling that old rusty plow up, trying to till the earth or whatever. I never really got how that farm stuff worked. Carmel was in front of me, and I noticed something changed in the way he was trotting. Then he went and confused me all to hell again.

“Hellooooo Macintosh!” The guy practically screamed it, all peppy. My mind was doing backflips. I mean, the entire walk over here I’d been kicking myself over how upset I made him. He was upset, too. I’d heard him sniffling and everything. Now we were there, in front of the pony that he was all upset about, and he was acting all happy. I don’t think I’ll ever understand that Carmel.

Big Macintosh just sort of grunted in reply, kept pulling the plow. He always did that to Carmel. Just sort of blew him off, tried hard not to pay too much attention. He didn’t even turn around to see me standing there. I was about to say something, but Carmel took it upon himself.

“Macintosh! You will not believe who I ran into today. Go on, guess.” Macintosh just kept pulling the plow, one big step after another. Carmel didn’t wait for him to reply, anyhow. “You know that skinny little fellow, works one of the stalls down at the market?” Macintosh kept pulling, kept grunting. If you wanted to be generous, you could imagine Big Mac was nodding as he walked. But in all honestly, it was just the way his head moved when he was strapped to the plow. I don’t think Carmel knew that, though. “Parchment, I believe his name is.” He said it as if it was a question. I kind of rolled my eyes at that, though. I mean, of course Carmel knew who I was, he was just acting weird around Big Mac. He always acted weird around Big Mac.

So Big Mac stops right in his tracks. “Hey there, big guy.” I chimed in from behind. He turns his head and looked at me all surprised, but not unhappy. He didn’t turn around fully, though. That big plow was still attached to him.

“Well, hullo Parch. What can ah do fer yah?” He sort of smiled, and I saw he had a sprig of wheat or something sticking out of his mouth. A real farmer, this guy. Another thing I thought was funny, he hadn’t even said ‘hullo’ to Carmel yet. Poor guy. I know Carmel was annoying to him and all, but he could be a little cold. Anyhow, while he was saying that to me, Carmel just stared at the back of his head with the weirdest look on his face. It wasn’t angry or disappointed, but it was something like that. He coughed a little into his hoof, all dainty like, and that got Big Mac’s attention.

“Well, I can see you two have some discussing to do. I’ll take my leave then.” He leaned forward, his head came real low. “I’ll... see you later, Macintosh?” His voice got all quiet and vulnerable sounding. It damn near broke my heart when all Big Mac did was nod and turn back to me without a word.

Well, I needed to stop feeling sorry for Carmel. I mean, I did feel for the poor guy, but I was on a mission to help Big Mac get his mare, and in the process, help me get mine. I’d deal with Carmel later. Just then, I needed to focus the task at hoof.

Big Mac started fidgeting and wiggling out of the plow's harness. When Carmel was out of earshot, I smiled at Macky. “So, how’s your coltfriend?” He groaned and brought his eyes to the sky. I was laughing, though, and so was he a little. Like I said, me and him joked around real funny.

“Ah don’t know what Ah’m gonna do with that stallion.” He shook his head slowly. I figured I’d tell him what he’d do.

“I’ll tell you what you’re gonna do, Macky. Forget about ‘im.” The words sounded sort of cold coming out of my mouth, but hey. I had to get him focused on Fluttershy. “Because guess where you an’ me are headed tonight.” He eyed me all skeptical for a second before I told him. “Me and you, pal. We’re headin’ to a party.”

Well, Big Mac nearly choked on that sprig of his. “A-A party? Now, Parch, you know I’m no good at those.” He was about to say more, but I didn’t let him.

“And guess what? Word on the street is, some lovely little filly might be attending.” His eyes got wide again; he knew who I was talking about. “Yep, some mare nopony’s ever heard of named Fluttersh-“And wouldn’t you believe the guy cut me off.

“F-Fluttershah?! N-no no, Ah can’t go!” Just imagine that deep, throaty voice of his getting all shaky and high. Funny stuff, let me tell you.

“Why not, big guy? You afraid of her or something?” It might’ve sounded a little mean, but I’d heard about reverse psychology somewhere, and I was pretty sure this was how it worked.

“A-ah jest can’t. Ah’ve got ta work the farm here. AJ’s gonna be out all night, an’ Ah can’t jest leave poor old Granny Smith here by her lonesome.” He was trying awfully hard to convince me, but these Apple folk are all the same: Terrible liars.

“Now who a’ you a’ callin’ ‘poor an’ old’?” Neither of us had noticed Granny Smith hobbling up to us, walker and all. Me and Big Macintosh sure got spooked, and he must’ve jumped ten feet in the air. I might’ve too, I don’t remember all that well. She really had come out of nowhere, though.

“Oh, Granny, we were jest-“

“Now listen, boy.” For such an old lady, she sure could be intimidating. “ Would one a’ you be so kind as ta explain why one a’ my workers just left this here farm in tears?” Her voice was harsh sounding, and I could tell just how much she cared about her workers.

I was pretty shocked. I mean, first at the speed Granny got herself down here, then at the fact that Carmel was crying when he left. Like, noticeably crying. I felt awful, but I couldn’t say anything. I mean, as far as I knew, Granny Smith didn’t even know about the whole ‘colt cuddler’ thing with Carmel. That would’ve been one hell of an awkward conversation, wouldn’t you believe it.

Big Mac must’ve had that same thought as me, because he didn’t mention it. He kind of danced around the whole thing. “Y’mean Carmel?” Granny nodded, eyes going between the two of us. “Gosh, Granny. Ah dunno. He seemed fine jest a second ago, aint’ that right Parch?” He turned to me, and I nodded honestly. I mean, he did seem alright, right? At least, better than before. Before he was all sniffly and huffy and quiet, and around Big Mac he got all peppy again. That meant he was better, right? Well,I almost believed that. Granny didn’t seem too convinced.

“Mh-hm, ain’t that the truth. Listen here, Macintosh. I overheard about this little party of yer friend’s here.” She pointed her hoof at me, it trembled and everything. “Ah also heard yer pathetic little excuses.”

“Granny, they weren’t excuses. Ah really need ta-“

“Now, sonny, you know lying ain’t the Apple family way. The work can wait fer tomorrow, An’ one night off once in a while wouldn’t kill yew.” He blushed a little, but it was hard to tell because his coat is red. “An’ I wouldn’t be ‘all on my lonesome’, as you’d imagine. Ah’ve got little Applebloom at mah side. And you’ve got a date with a Miss Fluttershah, Ah reckon.” She leaned back, and her face looked sort of sage-y

He hoofed at the ground a little and looked up at her. “But, Granny. Ah don’t-“

“Listen to Granny, Dammit!" That got a shock out of me, but apparently not from Big Mac, who just sat there taking it. "Now, there will be no buts, Macintosh. This nice young stallion here invited yer sorry behind to an outin’, and yew are going. End of story.” I smiled a little bit when she called me a ‘nice young stallion’.

“Yes, Granny.” Big Mac replied sadly.

“And tomorrow, yer gonna go find out jest what’s troubling that poor little Carmel. Understood?”

“… Yes, Granny.” His reply was a lot slower this time. I could tell he didn’t really want to talk to Carmel, but if his Granny told him to, he’d do it. Hell, if his Granny told him to jump of a bridge, he’d do it.

She nodded, happy with herself. She left and made her way back to the old house, slowly with her walker and all. We just kind of watched as she went, completely silent. I got the weird feeling he wasn’t too happy with me. “… So you’re going, then?”

He looked at me, all irritated. I laughed because I knew he couldn’t really stay mad at me for something like this. “Trust me, it’ll be fine. I’m going to help you with this whole Fluttershy thing, got it?” I looked at him, like an old pop reassuring his colt or something. Big Mac just rolled his eyes, muttered something that sounded like ‘fine’, and started trotting off to that old red barn. I followed him, figured we'd work out the finer details up there.

“… And another thing, Macky.” He turned his head towards me. “Pinkie Pie is hosting.”

I could actually feel the cold sweat coming off him as he stopped and stared at me. It was actually sort of disgusting, if you think about it.

A/N- Sorry its a little short, all my teachers decided that the week before Christmas vacation was the unofficial 'test and projects out the ass' week.

Barns Make Great Conversation Starters.

So I had to pretty much drag Big Mac up to the barn by his tail. Not an easy task, considering the guy weighs a freakin' ton and I'm some wimp who sells paper for a living. I worked up a pretty decent sweat too, considering it was all uphill. When I finally got us up inside the barn, Macky still wouldn't move a muscle. I don't think he was blinking, either, and that sort of scared me. I propped him up on one of the walls that had the least equipment on it. There was so much shit hanging from the ceiling, the walls and everywhere like you wouldn't believe. I mean, I saws at least a dozen watering cans and hoes, and more bridals than I could even count. For the life of me, I couldn't tell you what most of that stuff even did, or why a saddle was necessary for the job. Like I said, I'm not good with all that farm stuff. I spent a little while just looking at all of it, trying to wrap my head around why Big Mac was so enthusiastic about farming and farming accessories. The guy pops a freakin' stiffy every time somepony even thinks about 'tilling' or 'harvesting' or whatever. Its one of the few topics that really get him going, and once he starts its pretty tough to shut his yap.

Anyway, Mac started blinking again after a few minutes, which I considered to be a good sign. I trotted over to him and tried to snap him out of whatever daze he was in.

"Mac?" I started waving my hoof in his face, all obnoxious like. "Hey, Macy! Equestria-to-Hayseed, do you read?"

Without moving his eyes, he said something I couldn't really hear to well. I leaned my head in and motioned to my ear, so he'd get the picture.

"Y-y-you d-don't know w-what you've d-done."

I started laughing my flank off, honest to god. I know it was probobly a really mean thing to do, but just think about it context. This huge work horse is literally scared shitless by a bouncing ball of fluff and sunshine with a name like 'Pinkie Pie'. His voice was all grave and serious too, and I guess i just have a messed up sense of humor. Sue me, I'm only pony.

I guess even I have limits though, because I stopped laughing when he started crying. "A-ah cahn't go tah a party thayt t-thayt, thayt, thing is HOST'N!" He dropped to the ground and put his hooves over his head, shaking and all that. He made these high-pitched little wimpers, which were incredibly disproportionate to his body size."Shey, Shey's uh'n AYNIMAL!!"

I'll be the first to tell you, his accent got hilariously thick when he was upset like that. But he was literally on the ground wailing, which in my book, is when things go from funny to pathetic awful quick. I'm not good at comforting anypony, though. I was pretty taken aback(another fruity little phrase from Carmel I happened to pick up. Don't start me on him again, though. The last thing I wanna do is feel carzy guilty about the whole 'him and Big Mac' thing again) by the whole outburst, too. I knew the guy was scared of Pinkie Pie, but I didn't know he was that scared of the mare. Besides, I didn't even know what went on between the two of them.

Since I'm not a goddam therapist, I just sort of stood there for a bit while he cried. I felt bad, sure, but I didn't want to be akward and start with the whole 'tell me about you foalhood' crap, or give him some Freudian mis-diagnosis about how he was sexually frustrated with his mother( Look it up. Freud was a messed up guy) or anything like that. I thought, hey, eventually the big lug will calm down, and I'll convince him to go and he'll talk to Fluttershy, and I'd talk to Applejack, and we'd all fall in love and get married and have kids, and I could stare at Applejack without looking like a weirdo, and Big Mac could stare a Fluttershy without looking like a weird, and everypony would be happy. Easy, right? All I needed was for the big guy to stop with the water works and the rest would fall into place.

So I sort of side stepped towards him, trying but failing to not be akward. "Uh, come on, man..." I couldn't really think of anything comforting to say, so I put my hoof on his shoulder. "It's alright,buddy... there, there." That's an expression I hate, because when you think about it it actually means absolutly nothing whatsoever, but I was really at a loss of words. "Do... do you wanna talk about it? Hm?" I figured, hey. It was worth a shot, right?

Well wouldn't you know it worked. "A-Alraght... Ya'll promise not tuh laugh?" His accent was starting to go back to normal, which sort of bugged me. I nodded, and he sat up straight, like all of a sudden he was fine. Well, he was still all serius and sad looking, but it was a pretty dynamic shift if you ask me. Anyways, he started telling me this whole story about what happened between him and the pink one.

He cleared his throat. "Well, It happened a few years ago, b'fore Ah met you. Pinkie had always been an odd sort, ever since she headed on in tah Ponyville. 'Course, the first thing she does is throw a party fer every dang pony she laid eyes on. It took her a while, but eventually she'd partied on behalf of everypony in Ponyville. Everypony but one..." He looked down at his hooves and then closed his eyes. I raised an eyebrow. Look, no offense to him or anything, but I was waiting for the juicy bits. Y'know, like finding out that he and Pinkie were actually ex-lovers, or that Pinkie was some kind of super spy working for an underground resistance group trying to overthrow Celestia(I don't know, I read a lot of novels).Anything was possible, if it got him as scared as he was.

He didn't look up, but he looked at me through the corner of his eyes. I looked back, waiting. He sighed and started up again.

"Now, Ah told 'er. 'Miss Pie,' Ah told 'er, 'Ah think it's awful nice of you tah throw parties for everypony. But Ah don't need one, thank you kindly. Ah'm jest not a party pony.' Now, she looks at me like ah'd done broke 'er poor heart in two. Like she was about to cry, or worse. So Ah thought Ah'd just go on an let her have her fun, throw the party. She cheered up at that..." He trailed off and didn't continue.

Man, I'd never heard Big Mac say so much in one sitting. I mean, It's like I told you. He talks more than ponies really know, around his freinds, but he was mumbling a mile a minute, I sware. He seemed less upset now, so I went and asked him "Then?"

"She didn't throw it!" He lifted his hoofs in the air and slammed them into the ground. "Days'd pass, even weeks. I'd keep askin her, 'Miss Pie, hows that party comin along?' An she'd go on and on about how many balloons she ordered, how much cake'd be there, how this was gonna be the biggest bash she'd ever throw. But it never came. Years later, Ah'm still on edge around her, waitin fer her to spring that dang ol' surprise party on me. Every now an again, she'd mention something or other about it on her own, but by that time Ah'd about had it. I couldn't stand to be near her, all that anticipation..."

I kinda tilted my head and looked at him. "...Thats it?" He looked up and nodded.

"No insane attempts on your life?"

He shook his head.

"No secret plots to overthrow the government?"

He shook his head.

"No making cupcakes out of her dead friends!?!"

"Well now yer just being ridiculous."

I sighed violently and advanced on the big guy. I hated to sound like a jerk, but the stallion needed to pony up, for his own sake. "You need to pony up, for your own sake. Fluttershy won't even expect you coming this time, It'll be the perfect time finally talk to her!" I poked him in the chest a few times to emphasize my point. "Besides, Pinkie Pie'll be too busy throwing Gummy's super-duper-whatevermajiggy-party to throw your party, right?"

I think he sensed his own flawwed logic there, but he was still pretty scared. "Ah know, Ah know. It's jest... If Ah could even git to Fluttershy without Pinkie catchin me, I'd let mah dang nerves get the best o' me, Ah know it!"

I thought for a second. "You leave ol' Pinkie Pie to me, got it? I'll keep her off you tail so you can go get some of Fluttershy's tai-"

Guy cut me off with a hoof to face.

"Now you know it aint like that." He didn't shout or anything, but he made his point awful clear. I rolled my eyes at his attempts to be serious, after the whole 'woe is me, I might get a party' act.

"Whatever. Look, I'll make it so you and you-know-who get plenty of alone time. And don't worry about being nervous, I got a plan about that." He raised an eyebrow.

"Macky, ol' pal, It's time you got some mare training!"

He looked at me like I was Nightmare Moon.