I Like You

by MisterNick

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Derpy Hooves, Snails, Random, Death, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1461

Three words. One rambling pegasus. What a mess.

One day out of the blue a pegasus tells Derpy how he feels about her. He also shares his insights on other things as well. Oh dear.

Inspired by The Dead Milkmen and other stuff.

Published 2018-05-21 21:20:07 UTC
Last updated 2018-05-21 21:20:07 UTC

Chapter 1

Hey there Derpy. You know something, I like you! You're not like any of the other ponies here in Ponyville. You're unique and a credit to this town's population!

Now please don't think I'm trying to make fun of any of your friends, far from it in fact. They're fine ponies. It's just that they are all too content with their lives to see the big picture. They probably go home after a day of working at their job choice, or the job they have because of what happened at the end of prom and her dad was none too pleased about it.

Anyway you know how they are, right? They do that job then go home. Once there they probably crack open a can or a bottle of something that makes them forget about their day. Meanwhile the kids are busy running around screaming their heads off about whatever it is that's on their minds. The adults will direct some pointed comments to them because after work all they want is a little peace and quiet! They want it but they won't get it, well not until much later on! That's parenthood for you. When the kids finally do settle down and go to bed, those same parents probably crack open a copy of S. I. Dragon's finest literature, look at their spouse and think, 'Never in a million years.'

But you're not like that Derpy! You're special. I can see it in your eyes. You're constantly looking into the past and the future at the same time, which makes the present all the more clear to you. It's because of this that I know I can trust you with the knowledge of one of the biggest conspiracies to befall our land, what the changelings are doing to the earth.

Now I know you think I'm joking. Don't lie, I saw that smile on your face. It's fine. It's totally okay. I get that response a lot. You do realize you're not the first one I've mentioned this to by the way. You're like the second or third. It's hard to keep track.

I know I told that one pony Snails. You know Snails don't you? He's that unicorn kid who looks like he's made of grey poupon. Most ponies think he's kind of dumb with how he stares off into space. Then again, if they were being honest that's just astronomy too so what do they really know?

Anyway, when I told him about what I'm about to tell you he shrugged and walked off. However, I have it on good authority his blase attitude was a cover. Apparently he found the news so upsetting that I heard he started begging his dad for a pet to keep him safe. He wanted a slow worm. It seemed appropriate and on his birthday his father, after being badgered for weeks on end, finally bought him one.

The next night I saw him slinking around his yard with a basket. "What are you doing," I asked.

"I'm trying to harvest the eggs of my slow worm," he said.

To which I said, "Sweet Celestia in a silver slicker! Everypony knows that a slow worm is a lizard that gives birth to live young!"

Looking back on that night I've since realized that I had to be careful about what it was I told other ponies. Some of them don't have the constitution for it. After all not every pony is able to handle the knowledge of what it is the changelings are doing to our earth.

Now Derpy I know you want to hurry off. I can see you inching away from me as I talk. That's okay, I'll follow you. You know, when I was a kid I was one of the fastest fliers around. I once beat Rainbow Dash in a race. True story. But that one will have to wait for another time. You're probably not just wondering about what I know but how I know it. This will require some explaining but I can keep up and talk at the same time.

Do you remember Black Knight? He was the Darkish gray pony who regularly attempted to pull off madcap stunts. He was always popping wheelies and doing insane jumps off of things. Unfortunately he tended to do this sort of stuff while on the job. In case you don't remember he used to haul a cart of ... um ... special ... foals around. Admittedly though it was just to the zoo. Apparently they like the zoo.

Well one day he decided to try jumping over where they were building the new annex for the hospital. On the day in question he decided to jump the construction zone with the full load of foals. Unfortunately for him he misjudged the weight and managed to get conked in the head with a cinderblock as workers tried to get out of his way. These days he's a little special too. Admittedly though he is better at wagon pulling. He just can't eat apples anymore, he screams when he sees them. Anyway, he had a son named B. K. Junior.

Now B. K. Junior loved to go to the fair. He loved the rides and was looking forward to the upcoming one. However, much to his initial sorrow his mother placed fourth in the Prance Prance Evolution dance tournament and was given the honor of representing Ponyville in Las Pegasus after the top three winners were stricken with food poisoning. If any of them tried to bust a move something else would likely have busted loose and nopony wants to see that. Anyway, during that time he found out about the acclaimed Wild Blue Yonder.

The moment he found out about that roller coaster he was but excited. I remember watching him tremble like a dog passing peach pits when he talked about what he was going to do in Las Pegasus. His joy was a sight to behold.

He managed to get on the ride by faking how tall he was. Once he was in his seat, the ride attendant told everypony on the ride to keep their head, legs and any other appendages within the ride at all times. Little did that attendant know that B. K. Junior was a daredevil, just like his dad! At least that's what his cutie mark was telling him at the time.

This was his chance to live up to his father's name. No other pony in Ponyville popped insane wheelies anymore and new laws prevented any more jumps at construction zones. This was his shot to count. So, when the ride started he instantly hung out to the left, then the right. Then on a hill he stood up in the seat, stretched as far as he could and was promptly decapitated by a passing arch!

B. K. Junior's head and eventually his body were thrown clear off of the ride! I have it on good authority that they flew all the way to Fillydelphia and landed behind a tree in the park. Eventually some guy named Ween found it and the body too. He wasn't a very good doctor though and was certain there was something wrong with B. K. Junior's lung and that the separated head was simply some foal acting the fool.

One week after that incident I went out to check my mail. When I opened the mailbox I found a pamphlet from Town, Colorrhino addressed to B. K. Junior entitled: Do You Know What the Changelings are Doing to the Earth? Well, I read it and it changed my life!

You see Derpy, if you examine the earth of any major metropolitan area you will find that the it has gone bad. Cloudsdale is a perfect example. You can't grow anything there. If you try to build anything up there your bricks just disappear. The princesses have made a ton of claims as to why this happens but I know the truth!

The changelings, with the aid of their monkey allies are creating a series of portals. These portals will allow them to transport the Huevos Clan, a group of interdimensional creatures that look like mustachioed snakes. Once that happens no power in Equestria will be able to stop them! They want world domination! I've read the documents and I'd swear on a stack of Friendship Journals that they are the truth!

Now Derpy, I'm surprised that you haven't said one word during this entire reveal. Oh, I admit you fidgeted some and tried to get away but, that's okay. The important thing is that you listened. I think that's why I like you. You're not like the other ponies of Ponyville!