Black (Beans) As Dark As Night
Celestia walked into her office carrying a bundle of papers, determined that this would be the year she actually got around to finding out if her students were human.
She put the forms down on her desk before the thing next to her ‘Number One Principal’ mug caught her eye. It was beige, throbbing, and smelled faintly of beans.
“Luna,” Principal Celestia called out, loudly enough to carry over the sound of running water in the staff bathroom at the back of the office. “What is this on my desk?”
She asked it in the same tone of voice one might ask ‘is this snake poisonous’ though the only possible venomous viper that the thing on her desk might resemble would be the Spitting Trouser Snake.
“Miss Scootaloo was trying to smuggle it into school,” Luna explained, shutting off the water and coming out, drying her hands. “I had to confiscate it.”
“And you left it on my desk?”
“I had to wash my hands. It was… sticky.”
Celestia backed up several extra steps. Something dripped from the thing’s tip, a bead of white tracing down its shaft and plopping on her desk.
"And you left it on my desk?!" She asked again, with more urgency.
"I wasn't going to put it on my desk," Luna explained, as if it was obvious.
“I need to get it back before Algebra,” Scootaloo hissed, trying not to attract the attention of the cafeteria monitor. Cranky was watching them like a hawk. One small fire and a few woodshop accidents and suddenly everyone treated you like a criminal.
“Run this by me again,” Apple Bloom said. “Because Ah’m a little hard of hearin’ and it seemed t’ me like y’all were sayin’ ‘Apple Bloom told me this was a bad idea.’”
“I spent a lot of money on that Datanis, Bloom! I had to work like a slave at the corner store and take a bunch of extra shifts!” Scootaloo groaned. “And then Luna takes it from me before I can even use it!”
“Well I warned y’all that shootin’ math up inta ya was gonna end badly.”
“You also said your sister warned you geometry was the work of the Adversary,” Sweetie Belle noted.
“An she was right!” Apple Bloom folded her arms. “Ah ain’t havin’ no truck with no teacher askin’ me t’ draw pentagrons all o’er things. That’s how y’all get demons.”
“I need that Datanis to pass the test, and if I don’t pass it, I’ll get held back and I won’t get to graduate at the same time you girls do,” Scootaloo said. “Also my parents will beat the hell out of me.”
“What if you just ask nicely?” Sweetie suggested.
“Lame.”
“What if y’all studied?” Apple Bloom muttered.
“If I wanted to study I wouldn’t have spent all my money on a sex toy made out of bean paste that’s designed to shoot a thick load of math deep inside me!” She looked at the two girls sharing a table with her. “I’m gonna get it back, and I’m gonna pass that math test! Are you girls with me?”
“I’m just questioning why it has a USB port,” Celestia said. The Datanis pulsed on her desk, throbbing slowly. She’d swear that it got bigger and firmer every time she looked at it, like some kind of sinister icon of evil that fed on her attention.
“I’m questioning why you’re looking at it that closely,” Luna muttered.
“You left it on my desk, Luna! Every time I try to do paperwork it’s staring me in the face! I can’t help but look at it!”
“You could move it.”
“I’m not touching it. You touched it before, you move it.”
“I left it on your desk specifically so it wouldn’t be my problem anymore. If you won’t move it, I’ll call a teacher in here to deal with it.”
“You can’t do that! If they come in here and see that on my desk-”
“Ah yes, I forgot about your perfect image. Someone who never had probation because of one little mistake.”
“Luna I know you were disappointed about astronomy club not working out, but don’t you think the judge might have had a point about kidnapping and refusing to let children go home?”
“If they just appreciate the beauty of the night sky they would have thanked me instead of crying to their parents! Three years of probation!”
“It was only a thousand days, Luna,” Celestia sighed. “I swear we go through this every full moon…”
“A thousand days and then having to beg the PTA for this job! Behold my revenge sister, my terrible revenge for testifying against me in court!”
“Your terrible revenge is leaving a bean dildo on my desk.”
Luna cackled.
Celestia made a decision. She picked up the bean-thing (technically a Datanis, but she was fortunate enough not to know the word) and threw it at her sister.
It caught her full in the face, the throbbing length of bean-paste and magic going off like a bomb. A penis bomb.
“I can’t believe the girls weren’t with me,” Scootaloo muttered, through her cool ninja mask that had until just moments ago been a cool Wonderbolts T-shirt.
A flash of movement, and Scootaloo ducked behind a trash can, waiting for the janitor to pass by, the odd old man whistling tunelessly and nodding to her as he passed. She was shocked that somehow he spotted her, despite the way she stuck to the shadows like the trained ninja warrior that she was.
She bowed to him out of respect for his skills. It was entirely possible that, as a strange old man, the janitor had some kind of mystical powers of his own.
It was also possible that he had just been looking at the trash can, since that was his job.
Celestia pushed with all her might, her back pressed against her desk. The business end of the thing Luna was holding was wavering, twitching one direction then another as she fought for dominance.
“Submit!” Luna hissed, her eyes gleaming. Her face and shirt were streaked with the first eruption from the confiscated sex toy. “You turned the PTA against me!”
“After school activities are supposed to give the students a balanced education! Forcing them to participate just because you wanted to keep the astronomy club alive gave them nothing!”
“From my perspective it is the PTA who gave them nothing!”
A squirt of white queso splattered onto the desk next to her head, just missing her, the hard rod throbbing, ready to finish. She cried out as hot cheese dripped onto her face, fear giving her the strength to shove her sister away, the Vice-Principal falling to the floor, the bean thing landing between them.
“It’s over, Luna! I have the high ground.”
“The floor is level,” Luna said, panting. Her soaked shirt had come unbuttoned in the struggle. Celestia wasn’t in much better shape.
“I meant in a moral sense.”
“You underestimate my power!”
Luna lunged for the bean-sabre. Celestia moved at the same time.
Scootaloo silently opened the door to the office. She had managed to arrive without alerting anyone. Soon, she’d have the Datanis and the plans to Mrs. Cheerilee’s ultimate Algebra Test. All she had to do was make sure no one spotted her on the way out and she was home-
Celestia and Luna were on top of each other on the floor, covered in queso and panting, red-faced, their clothing mostly torn off. The tip of the Datanis was between them, wedged in their pressed-together cleavage and dripping onto Luna’s face.
“Do you taste algebra?” Luna asked, licking her lips.
They looked up at Scootaloo.
Scootaloo pulled a phone out of her pocket and snapped a picture.
Author's Note
I've been editing a lot of chapters for another story and wrote this to take a break.
It's easy to write BCU stories when you remember that bad ideas are also good ideas!
