The Beanis Intervention

by Justice3442

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Main 7 (EqG), Bow Hothoof, Random, Sex, Sunset Shimmer, Rainbow Dash, Equestria Girls, Windy Whistles, Fetish
Length: 3815

Rainbow Dash has a little obsession, or rather, a huge obsession that’s getting increasingly public. Her friends step in to try to get the situation under control. Will their well-intended meeting make a difference? Probably not.

Rainbow Dash has a little obsession, or rather, a huge obsession that’s getting increasingly public. Her friends step in to try to get the situation under control. Will their well-intended meeting get Rainbow Dash to consider shoveling things a little less fiber heavy into her orifices? Probably not.

With thanks and apologies to Tired Old ManandSteel Resolve, Nova Quill/Firimilfor their edits and suggestions!

Also, yeah... I probably can't source that cover art without getting in trouble, so just go to https://derpibooru.org and do a search for artist:theotherhalf if you want to see the whole thing, you depraved perverts.

Published 2018-05-22 08:50:07 UTC
Last updated 2018-05-22 08:50:07 UTC

The best song about bean product marital aids you'll read all day!

Author's Note

Those that read my latest blog post might remember that I said I came up with three solid stories in as many days... Well, now it's FOUR solid stories in three days!

The best song about bean product marital aids you'll read all day!

Wearing nothing but a seductive smile, sour cream, and guacamole, Rainbow Dash took one more look at her webcam before she held up a rectangular brown box about the length of her forearm, and almost as wide. “Well, that’s enough foreplay with the little guys,” she said to the camera as she moved to show off a modest collection of immodest ‘toys’. The sort of toys whose shape rhyme with ‘italic’ and made of a material that rhymes with ‘jeans’.

The two words in this case, of course, being: ‘phallic’ and ‘beans’.

Ranging in size from six to nine inches, with some being long and relatively thin, others being bulbous and sporting the odd bean-shaped knot here or there; all the toys were arranged so they were standing at attention. Their colors ranging from eggshell to deep black and each secreting some similarly colored paste out of their round tips.

Rainbow Dash continued, “Let’s move on to the main course.” Rainbow Dash winked at the camera. “A little food humor for all of you.” Rainbow Dash reached in front of the camera and produced a box knife that she used to cut open the top of the box as clumps of the white and green goo that covered her chest dripped down in drips and globs. “But speaking of ‘little’ this is the exact opposite. A new toy from our favorite beanis makers, Bad Flatulence.”

With one swift cut, the box was open, and Rainbow Dash removed an item encased in bubble wrap. The transparent plastic was quickly shucked and tossed off camera. Unveiled, Rainbow Dash hefted the item by its base in one hand and held the off-white bean-shaft upright.

The item was long, easily as long as Rainbow Dash’s head, but it was also as wide as her wrist at its smallest circumference with a roundish bean shaped tip easily a few inches wider. And below cascading soft ridges eventually gave way to a second, horizontally arranged bean that was maybe as large as Rainbow Dash’s fist.

Rainbow Dash took in the entire item visually, which was appropriate because she intended to take in the entire item far less figuratively. “Oh, Royal Corona… I want you inside me,” she said hungrily.

‘KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!’

Startled, Rainbow Dash nearly dropped the item in her hand. She glanced nervously off camera as a female voice called out. “Rainbow Dash! Rainbow Dash! Open up!”

“Uh… Sunset?!” Rainbow Dash called out. “Erm… Can you come back later?” Rainbow Dash looked at the giant beanis in her hand. “Right now is a bad time… like… the textbook definition of ‘bad time’.”

“Yes, I can see that,” Sunset said.

Rainbow Dash stared at the camera. “Dude… You know about my Bohne Hub account?!”

“Literally everyone knows about that, Rainbow!” Sunset exclaimed. “But I mostly meant I can see you because I’m looking at you right through your window.” There was a pause before Sunset’s voice became significantly drier. “You didn’t bother to close the curtains.”

Rainbow Dash turned to find Sunset glaring at her with a most unamused expression. “Wooaah… uh… hot! Erm… I mean, oops! Definitely meant to say oops.”

Sunset groaned. “That’s exactly what we need to talk about! I’m coming in.”

“Okay but…” Rainbow Dash looked at the camera and winked. “The beanises kinda beat you to that.”

“UUUUUUGGGGGG…” With another long continuous groan, Rainbow Dash’s front door opened and Sunset Shimmer’s continual deep tone of displeasure increased as she appeared in Rainbow Dash’s somewhat goo covered room. “…GGGGGGgggggggghhhhhh…”

“Uh, hi, wow…” Rainbow Dash said, her cheeks starting to turn a light pink. “You’re right here… In my room… Where I’m naked and covered in guac, sour cream, and bean jizz…”

Sunset pressed fingertips to her forehead. “Rainbow, this isn’t anything I haven’t seen from you at this point… In fact, there’s nothing I haven’t seen of you including the insides of places most consider private!”

“Hey, maybe this is fine with you!” Rainbow Dash said. “But with you standing right there, I’m starting to feel a bit exposed. At least let me cover up.”

Sunset rolled her eyes. “Rainbow, I’ve already told you. I’ve. Seen. Everything. There’s no point in you—”

Rainbow Dash leaned down, placed the Royal Corona on her floor, and then pulled a giant tortilla from under her bed, then wrapped it around herself.

“—covering… up…” Sunset’s eyes narrowed into a glare. “Right, I was going to ease you into this, but no…” Sunset turned and shouted out the room. “Alright everyone, come on in!”

“Heh. Again, the beanises kind of—”

“SHUT! UP!”

Applejack walked in, taking care to avoid stepping in anything unseemly as she shot Rainbow Dash a disgusted look. She was followed by Rarity whose face was bright red and avoided eye contact with Rainbow entirely. Next was a bespectacled Twilight Sparkle, who shot a nervous glance at Rainbow Dash and received a thumbs up and a wink for her troubles. Fluttershy followed and looked over the scene at Rainbow Dash and her surroundings not in disapproval or embarrassment, but clearly with a look of intrigue. Finally, Pinkie Pie bounced into the room with a smile like she was just happy to be there.

Sunset motioned towards the rest of the group. “I thought about starting slow, but now we’re going to just tear this off like a band-aid.”

“Hah! Tear like the beanises tore into my assho—”

“Rainbow Dash,” Applejack interrupted, “Ah swear if you finish that sentence we’re going to see just how many of these things we can fit into ya!”

“Whoa, really?!” Rainbow Dash replied with marked enthusiasm. “‘Cause that would be a dream come—”

“Stop right there!” Sunset commanded. “just to be clear, this is an intervention! The six of us—”

“What?!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Intervention?! You told me this was a Mexican themed dinner!”

Sunset smacked a palm against her face. “No! I told you that Rainbow Dash had an excess of burrito ingredients and we had to do something about it! You inferred that statement as us having Mexican at Rainbow’s!”

Rarity clicked her tongue. “To be fair, you were being somewhat vague, dearest. Perhaps it would be much simpler to tell Pinkie that we were concerned about the size and frequency of beanises that were going up Rainbow Dash’s rearest.”

Sunset threw her hands up in the air. “Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, and Apple Bloom were right there!”

Rarity sighed. “Darling, they’re high schoolers with access to the internet. They’ve seen more deplorable sex acts than any of us could possibly hope to remember the names of.”

“Not my Apple Bloom!” Applejack insisted.

“Hrmm, whatever helps you sleep at night, darling,” Rarity retorted.

Pinkie spoke up, “I think we’re all missing the big question here…”

Sunset nodded. “Right, so let’s—”

“Is Rainbow Dash going to share that giant burrito she’s part of?”

Sunset said nothing and instead elected to pinch the bridge of her nose while she clenched her eyes closed.

Grinning, Rainbow Dash lowered herself to the floor and laid on her back. “Hey Pinkie, if you’re hungry, I got something you can snack on,” she said, opening her legs spread eagle.

Pinkie glanced upwards as she seemed to consider this proposition. “Well, I do like a good warm bean dip…”

“Pinkie!” Sunset scolded. “Please leave!”

“FINE!” Pinkie hissed out. She bent down and ripped a chunk off Rainbow Dash’s wrap before smearing it across Rainbow Dash’s body and collecting as much bean paste, sour cream, and guacamole as she could. “But I’m taking this with me!” she announced as she expertly wrapped the gooey mass and stormed out of the room.

Twilight took a quick moment to make eye contact with Rainbow Dash. She pointed at the Royal Corona and tentatively gave Rainbow Dash a thumbs up with an expression suggesting she was asking a question more than anything else.

Still laying on the floor, Rainbow Dash gave Twilight two big thumbs up.

Sunset turned away from Pinkie and sighed just as Twilight smiled and nodded. Noticing Sunset saw her, Twilight quickly looked away and began whistling, poorly.

“Oooookaaaaay?” Sunset replied. She let out a heavy sigh and looked down at Rainbow Dash. “I thought you were being shy?”

“Well, at first I was,” Rainbow Dash admitted, “but honestly… all you girls packed in my room seeing me like this? Kinda a turn on.”

“Sorry! Are we late?!” an enthusiastic female voice called out.

Applejack cringed. “Oh lordy… Ah’m jus’ gonna preemptively lock myself in the bathroom for a few minutes and get all the screamin’ outa my system,” she announced as she dashed out of the room.

“Turned off!” Rainbow Dash said as she quickly stood back up and covered herself. “Totally turned off!”

A sturdy-looking light-purple skinned man with a close-cropped collection of rainbow hair and a smile resting in a patch of stubble stride in. He wore an unbuttoned green shirt over a white tee-shirt that sported an almost nude Rainbow Dash with various parts of her ‘tastefully’ covered in green goo with a caption that read ‘Go for the Guac!’ He was followed by a light-blue skinned woman with fiery burnt-red hair in a bob-cut. She wore an unbuttoned yellow blouse over a t-shirt that also sported Rainbow Dash. This one from Rainbow Dash’s bear nape and shoulders up with her shoveling a massive burrito into her mouth with the caption 'These beans run deep!'

Sunset glared at her friends still present. “Okay, I’m not mad… Just… very, VERY… disappointed.”

“Wow, me too…” Rainbow Dash said as she pulled up the tortilla and tried to cover her face.

Sunset continued, “Who invited Rainbow Dash’s parents?”

Trepidatious, Fluttershy raised a hand. “I just thought, erm… with all of us kind of attacking Rainbow that she could use some support…”

Sunset groaned. “We are her friends we support her! Just when it comes to things that are not bat-shit insane!” Sunset motioned to Bow Hothoof and Windy Whistles. “Does it look like that’s the sort of support she needs right now?!”

“Hey now!” Bow protested. “We just want the world to know our daughter is just the best bean of the beanis bunch!” he insisted as the muffled sounds of Applejack screaming could be heard.

“Right,” Windy agreed. “Our daughter needs all the support we can give her!” she added as she held up a pendant sporting a cartoonish beanis that had ejaculated ‘Beanis 4 Life!’ in bean sauce.

Bow swung an arm across his chest. “No one can deepthroat a bean penis that ejaculates bean paste like our little Dashie!”

Her smile spreading wide, Windy waved her pendant about. “Just a few more videos and our little girl is sure to be the top star of Bohne Hub!”

Sunset clenched her teeth, “Cooooooolzzzzzzzies… Now please get the fuck out of here.”

“Agreed…” Rainbow Dash said quickly.

“Hah! We get it!” Bow said.

“I sincerely doubt that you do,” Sunset quipped.

Bow and Windy exchanged a smile. “Stage fright!”

“And, there it is…” added Sunset as she buried her face in both palms

Windy waved at her daughter as she headed out. “Good luck, dear! Mommy really hopes you clear 10 inches anally today!”

“MOOOOOoooOOOOOm~!” Rainbow Dash whined.

“Just do your best, Dashie!” Bow said. “And swallow a big load for your pops, alright?” he added as he made finger guns at Rainbow before parting.

“DAAAAAaaaAAaaad~” Rainbow Dash warbled in an embarrassed tone.

“Christ…” Sunset murmured. “That was… I don’t even know what THAT was…” she removed her hands and looked at Rainbow Dash. “Was that creepy enough to get you to stop?”

Rainbow Dash shrugged her bare shoulders. “Well, that last minute will keep me up at night for the rest of my life, sure, but still… beanis is a net positive for me.”

Sunset rolled her eyes and looked about her friends still present. “Look, is anyone else here NOT interested in getting Rainbow Dash to change her behavior?! Because if you aren’t, I really want you to leave now.”

Fluttershy fidgeted nervously as Applejack continued to scream from elsewhere in the house.

Rarity’s hand shot up. “Honestly, I just wanted to ask Rainbow Dash if she’d help model some new edible wearables.”

“Right, fine. I don’t want to hear another word,” Sunset said.

Rarity waved a hand in front of her face dramatically. “I call it Bean chic!”

“But clearly that doesn’t matter to you.”

“Its underwear, mostly. Flour and bean-based with flavors like sour cream, classic bean, of course, and spicy salsa.”

“Hot,” Rainbow Dash said. “I’m totally into it.”

Rarity smirked. “Not yet, you aren’t.”

With a scowl etched on her face, Sunset looked at Rarity. “Okay, before I tell you to ‘get the fuck out of here’, I have to ask; wouldn’t spicy salsa under where be... uh…”

Pinkie poked her head into the room. “Tingly?!” She suggested.

“Painful. The word I was looking for was ‘painful’,” Sunset narrowed her eyes. “Also, I asked you to leave!”

“I wanted seeeecooonds~!” Pinkie announced as she bounced up to Dash, ripped off more of her giant tortilla, and scooped off another generous helping of pastes from Rainbow Dash’s chest, before absconding with her beanis burrito.

Sunset just shook her head. “Rarity, you are also free to go…” she said as she pointed to the door.

Rarity nodded and walked toward the door. “I’ll text you about scheduling a shoot, Rainbow, darling.”

“Sweet! I’m totally there!”

“Ugh…. Anyone else?” Sunset asked.

Again, Fluttershy seemed to fidget with more apprehension than usual as Applejack’s screaming filled any silence that would have been left otherwise.

Twilight’s hand shot up.

“E tu, Twilight?!” Sunset cried as she held her hands up in front of her dramatically.

“Sorry…” Twilight said. “Rainbow Dash’s obsession is bringing me one step closer to ending world hunger with each beanis I make for her.”

“HAH!” Rainbow Dash cried triumphantly. “I knew my fetish was helping someone!”

Sunset threw her hands up in the air. “Are you telling me enough beanises can somehow feed the entire world?!”

“They’re scientific and magically created items that produce endless bean paste,” countered Twilight. “I am absolutely confident that enough beanises could bring us into a post-scarcity paradise, so long as enough people were satisfied with getting their daily caloric intake from a bean-based food source.”

“That’s … Okay, that sounds fairly logical,” Sunset admitted.

“Thank you!” Twilight said earnestly. “I’ve even made calculations as to how many beanises we’ll need to reach ‘bean eating acceptance of nutrition international saturation’, or B.E.A.N.I—”

“We GET it!” Sunset exclaimed. “Maybe show it to me when I’m like… a bit less pissed off.”

Rainbow Dash grinned. “Like 20% less pissed off?”

Sunset refocused her glare. “I swear, Rainbow, I’d dual-wield the two largest beanises here and beat you with them if I didn’t think it’d get you off.”

Rainbow Dash pondered this momentarily “… Well HELLO, new fetish. Oh, Twilight?”

“Yes, Rainbow?”

“Maybe you can help move up your timeline with some alternative bean-paste products? Like a smoothie?”

Sunset grunted in displeasure. “I’m glad I’ve pretty much maxed out on disgust for today.”

Twilight nodded. “Well, I certainly considered the fact that not everyone would get their paste straight from the beanis.”

“Okay, but have you considered marketing?” Rainbow Dash waved a hand in the air as if she was creating words as she spoke, “‘Get your beanis juice in a handy-dandy smoothie! No need to work the tip, just dive right in and sip!’”

“Oh, excellent thinking!” Twilight’s smartphone was in her palm in an instant as she began typing away at it with her free hand. “Sure the benefits of a beanis-rich diet would be apparent to most, but I’m sure a few hand mnemonics could really clinch it for the rest!”

Sunset shook her head. “Right, because the gap between being grossed out and thinking bean paste smoothies are palatable is a catchy slogan.”

Twilight shrugged. “Well, no, but it’s a factor!”

Sunset grimace. “Twilight, just one question?”

“Yes?”

“Can you make the world saving bean paste dispensers NOT penis shaped?”

“Sorry… I don’t understand the question,” Twilight replied.

“Ugh… Out! I’M OUT!” Sunset cried as she pointed to the door.

Sheepishly, Twilight complied, scooching past Applejack as she returned to the room.

Applejack took note that the room now had far fewer occupants. “Okay… what Ah’d miss?”

“A bunch of stuff you don’t want to know about,” Sunset informed.

Applejack nodded. “Sounds about right.”

Rainbow Dash grinned. “You can always catch the replay on Bohne Hub.”

“Hard pass,” Applejack said.

Rainbow Dash grinned. “Speaking of HARD, uh, passing… erm… Okay, I got nothing…”

“What you’re going to get is ARRESTED!” Sunset stressed. “Believe me Rainbow Dash, the six… erm… three of us are doing this for your own good!”

Rainbow Dash narrowed her eyes. “Sure, but you told me interventions where a horrible way to get someone to change behavior when we tried to get you to cut down on coffee!”

“Hey! You worship your bean, I worship mine!” Sunset countered. “And yes, they ARE!” she admitted. “But I didn’t know how to calmly and privately broach the subject of you violating yourself in full view of the street or deciding it’s a good idea to double-penetrate yourself in the girl’s locker room!”

Rainbow Dash clutched her giant tortilla wrap tightly and glared at Sunset. “You’re never going to get me to quit beanis! It’s as big a part of me as bacon is part of you.”

Sunset glanced up at her own hair as her frown deepened. “That’s not…” Shaking her head, Sunset pushed forward. “Look, the rest of us are going to voice our concerns. But we don’t care what you do behind closed doors or even if you live stream your antics to the web on weird fetish sites! Getting you to abstain from beanises is not our intention.”

“It is mine!” Applejack stated.

Sunset groaned. “What? AJ… Rainbow Dash is an adult… legally, at least… If she wants to get all weird and work on her stretching with bean related toys, who are we to judge? It’s not like she’s hurting anyone if she keeps it to herself.”

“She’s hurtin’ herself!” Applejack insisted.

“But it hurts sooooo good!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed.

Applejack shook her head. “Ah ain’t talkin’ about big beanis here… Look, Ah spent a LONG time on the net looking up yeast infections and—”

“Ah! Nope! Nope! Nope!” Sunset said. She clenched her eyes shut hard. “That thought is now burned into my brain forever…” Her eyes flew open and she glowered at Applejack. “Tell Dash in private if you want!”

Applejack narrowed her eyes at Rainbow Dash “Oh, believe me, I will…”

Sunset shook her head. “Right, Fluttershy? Did you—”

Pinkie bounced in once more. “I’m baaaaAAAAAaaaack!~”

Sunset let out a defeated sigh. “Pinkie, just grab your third Rainbow Dash flavored beanis burrito and go, please?”

“That’s not why I’m back!” Pinkie said. “I mean… it’s PART of the reason, but I actually wanted to express my concerns for Dashie!”

“Oh...” Sunset braved a smile. “Good!”

“In SONG form!” Pinkie added.

“Oh…” Sunset’s smile quickly fled as if its life depended on it. “Bad!”

“It’s fine and dandy if your interests keep you far from cleanliness!~

“Even if your fetishes involve giant bean penises!~

“Just remember that not everyone wants to see your paste based exposes!~

“And that it’s fun to play with your lady lewdy bits, but they don’t double as tasty foody pits!~

“So, if you hope to be among those internet porn star geniuses!~

“Just make sure to have a douche handy and lots of spare Kleenexes!~

“And keep those curtains shut and stay indoors when you take it in the backdoor!~

“And hygiene is key, so keep that vagine nice and clean~

“or you’ll end up needing an injection for that yeast infection!”

Her face puckered like she had just tried to eat an entire bushel of lemons with their peels still on, Sunset spoke up. “Ya done?”

Pinkie began to clap her hands. “The Beanis Bop! The Beanis Bop! Everyone sing The Beanis Bop!~”

Applejack and Sunset let out collective groans.

“‘Cause it’s fine if what you love is to self-penetrate with Fabaceae! Just keep that vag clean and don’t do anything to alarm the cops so you can keep doing The Beanis Bop!~”

Sunset sighed. “Please tell me that’s it…”

“Well… That depends.” Pinkie reached under her ruffled skirt and pulled her white leggings down exposing her pink thighs. “Does anyone have a trombone I can borrow?”

“Ahhh!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed. “I’ll agree to keep my fetish under wraps if Pinkie never sings that song again or does whatever she’s planning next!”

Sunset glared at Rainbow Dash. “Did you just—”

“Take it or leave it!” Rainbow Dash stressed.

“I would…” Sunset began as she slowly massaged her temples. “But you’ve really been pushing things with all these innuendoes.”

Pinkie smiled widely. “I need the trombone to stick in my cooch so I can play it.”

The room went silent.

“With my cooch…” Pinkie added.

Rainbow Dash motioned to Pinkie and looked at Sunset in a ‘You see?!’ fashion.

“I’ll take it…” Sunset said with a grumble. “We’re going to go now and leave you to your weird sex acts,” she said as she grabbed Pinkie by the shoulders and pushed her out of the room.

“Awwwww!” Pinkie moaned. “But I’m still hungry!”

“We’ll stop somewhere!” Sunset said. “Let’s just go!”

“Can we stop at Taco Hutt?” Pinkie asked.

“Fuck you, Pinkie Pie,” Sunset replied. “FuuuuUUUUuuuuck you.”

Shaking her head in disgust, Applejack silently followed.

Rainbow Dash watched them leave before her eyes turned to the last occupant of the room.“Uh… Hey, Fluttershy… Weren’t you, um… going to leave with everyone else?”

“Well… only if you want me to,” Fluttershy replied sheepishly.

Rainbow Dash gave Fluttershy a sideways glance. “Wait are you…” Rainbow Dash’s face suddenly lit up. “Are you, you know… asking if you can stay, but like… shyly…?”

“Erm… um… well… You are my friend and clearly you need help with these...” Fluttershy trailed off a bit before looking over Rainbow Dash’s sizeable collection of beans creations engineered into phallic shapes “… vegetarian-friendly problems.”

Rainbow Dash looked down at her collection. “We’ll start you off with the Navy bean? Cool?”

An embarrassed smile came across Fluttershy’s face as she began to remove her blue dress straps. “Super cool…”

“Erm… Do you want me to wash it first?”

Fluttershy’s dress hit the floor. “No.”

The End