Daring Do and the Slab of King Ramses
by Dirty Bit
Out in the southern reaches of Equestria, there laid a vast desert that was home to all manner of dangerous creatures and the ponies brave enough to live by them. Far out of the small village of Somnambula - named after a heroine from days of old - there laid a mysterious pyramid that was discovered recently beyond the Sphinx's pyramid. Which was surprising, considering that it was smaller and directly behind the pyramid, blocked from view.
Rumors of this enigma spread far and wide, and it soon reached the ears of none other than the famous adventurer Daring Do. Determined to make light of this rumor, she donned her outfit and pith hat, along with some supplies, and wasted no time setting off for Somnambula to investigate for herself. She felt that this particular adventure may or may not be her magnum opus.
Upon reaching the town after days of travel, Daring decided to ask around for information regarding the recently discovered pyramid. She was happy to see the townsfolk not only welcome her with open hooves but oblige to her request. Unfortunately, nopony was even remotely knowledgeable of what she was after, but she wasn't deterred in the slightest; she loved a good challenge when it came to seeking rare finds. After bidding the citizens of Somnambula farewell, Daring made for the pyramid beyond the pyramid.
Little did she know that she was being followed...
It wasn't exactly a glamorous sight, but Daring Do was nevertheless pleased with the sight before her. All that remained now was to check for anything that would make for a good museum exhibit that would explain more Equestria's history. Luckily, there happened to be a large entrance up ahead. Daring Do studied the scant hieroglyphics that littered the gate, and found that they were nothing like she had seen from other pyramids around the area, despite certain similarities. She mustered her strength to open the gate with her hooves, and make sure to light a torch to illuminate the darkness within that awaited her.
The famous explorer found herself climbing down a flight of stairs inside the pyramid, and steeled herself for whatever may come her way. Normally, she would expect a chain of traps to hinder her trek, but somehow, the path ahead showed to be surprisingly calm. A part of Daring Do felt that this was to lull her into a sense of security for something big to happen up ahead of her. Her downward path ended up leading her to a vast chamber where a sarcophagus laid in the center.
"This isn't just a pyramid, after all. It's a crypt." Daring Do whispered to herself as she took in her surroundings before approaching the sarcophagus in front of her. What caught her eye was that the design on the lid was not even equine in shape upon closer inspection. Daring Do then looked down find a slab that stood out on the left corner. Something told her that it might be a certain treasure, and yet she got a bad feeling when she looked closely at its contents: Four images including a bipedal ghost in tattered garbs, some waves, a gramophone, and a locust. This left her perplexed despite the possible danger, and Daring scoped around to find anything similar on each side.
Finding that there were no similar markings, Daring Do came back to the corner that bore the unique slab and rubbed her chin in contemplation, wondering if she should chance a look inside of the sarcophagus for anymore clues or simply make off with the slab. After carefully looking around to assuage herself of any other potential dangers in the crypt, she reached out for the slab with both forehooves and slowly pried it out of the corner. The famous adventurer smiled contently as the slab was in her grasp.
"Thank you so much for making this trip easier on us, Daring Do."
Hearing her name called by a familiar voice, she darted her head behind her to find five earth pony stallions that she had no desire to see today. Standing in front of them with a wicked grin on his face was Daring Do's nemesis, Dr. Caballeron. The group approached her menacingly as she glared back at them while holding the slab tight.
"It is rather funny to find this landmark lacking any and all booby traps." Dr. Caballeron stated in amusement "I probably could have done this myself, but then I realized how sweet it would be to snatch away your accomplishment and relish in your defeat."
"You might wanna turn around and walk away from this one, Caballeron. We already know how this is gonna go down." Daring Do threatened as she set the slab down - not wanting it to get damaged - and got in a fighting stance.
"Oh, I wouldn't dream of challenging you in a fair fight, Daring Do. I have ponies for that!" Caballeron pointed a hoof at his enemy "Get her!" He shouted to his henchponies as they all rushed at her. Daring flared her wings and met their rush with one of her own, easily knocking down a big blue pony with a tackle before taking to the air and swooping down to tackle another silver stallion, causing his sunglasses to fly off of his face.
The remaining stallions approached her from either side and reeled their hooves back for a punch, only for Daring to quickly jump back up and let them punch each other in the muzzle. She then flew back down to knock them both on their heads with her hooves. The other two stallions rose up and angrily charged again, this time with them tackling Daring Do simultaneously from behind and pinning her down.
The famous adventurer growled and struggled under their respective weight, which was then doubled by all of the henchponies at once. Meanwhile, Dr. Caballeron tauntingly sauntered over to the slab and picked it up with a smug smirk, halfheartedly studying the contents for himself.
"Give back the slab, Caballeron! You don't even know what it is!" Daring Do barked as she continued struggling from the floor.
"And neither do you, no?" The nefarious doctor countered calmly "All the more reason to sell it to the highest bidder. This...unique piece of history is too good for the likes of a museum. That is, unless they end up being the highest bidder." He chuckled, to which his goons joined in. The laughter ceased as Caballeron leered down at Daring Do "Now that I've gotten what I've wanted, all that's left is to decide what to do with you. And seeing as how this little crypt doesn't seem to bear any creative means to send you to your doom, it's only prudent that I take care of it myself." Dr. Caballeron looked over at his henchponies "Tie her up and bring her with us! We'll decide on what to do with her when we reach our camp."
_____
Daring Do was begrudgingly guided by her captors along the desert until they reached a campsite containing an old, abandoned shack. Unable to resist as she trotted in her bonds, she was lead inside to see a table with scattered equipment, including a map of Equestria. She was then forced onto a chair as the two burly henchponies hovered over her, while another shut the door.
"Make yourself comfortable for now, Daring Do. I wish to savor this moment once I've decided on a destination to sell this marvelous piece." Dr. Caballeron boasted before holding up the slab with glee. He could already imagine the wealth he would accrue with such a rare find containing such compelling features.
That is, until one of said features suddenly vanished from the slab, catching the doctor by surprise.
"What? What is the meaning of this!?" He asked in shock before darting his head over at Daring Do, glaring at her "Did you have anything to do with this!?" He flashed the slab over into his captive's view.
"Anything to do with what?" Daring Do asked, both puzzled and annoyed until she noticed the missing detail as well "Huh? But there was four images on that slab before. What happened to the big one?"
"I am not in the mood for games. You must have sabotaged this slab knowing we would ambush you!" Caballeron declared vehemently. His henchponies looked among themselves in confusion at this sudden happening.
"Like I'd ever tamper with any treasure I would look for!" Daring Do shot back, offended by the accusation. She then looked back at the slab for a moment and paused with a feeling of dread.
"Oh no..." She whispered.
"Oh no? What do you mean 'Oh no'?" Dr. Caballeron asked irritably "Speak up!" Daring Do hung her head.
"While we may not know about this slab we found, something tells me we might have triggered a very old curse..." She said in a serious tone.
"You mean to tell me that we've followed you the whole time just to be hit with a curse? Absurd!" Caballeron said in a dismissive tone as he looked away.
"Think about it, Caballeron!" Daring Do glared at her enemy "There were no traps in the crypt we entered, and that slab is clearly not ordinary if it's reacting like this of all times. It could very well be the trap itself. We could be putting ourselves in danger!"
"Then I suppose that this 'curse' would be the perfect method for your demise. Anything to get you out of my mane and into the good life." Dr. Caballeron said as he looked at the slab intently. Daring scoffed at how foolish her captor was acting and looked out at one of the shack's windows to see the sun setting over the horizon, gradually ushering in the night. She perked up to see that along with the night sky, there was an ominous fog that spread across the desert, namely near her location.
"Everypony! Look outside!" Daring Do called to the others, coaxing Caballeron out of his focus to leer at her. Meanwhile, his henchponies reluctantly obliged and looked outside to see the fog, feeling a faint sense of fear at the sight.
"What are you fools doing? You would actually listen to the enemy?" Caballeron chided fiercely. Suddenly, there was a knock at the door, gaining everypony's attention as they all stared over at it. There was a brief, but tense silence before another knock was heard. Caballeron, with slab in hoof, slowly inched towards the door and opened it to find that nopony was at his doorstep. But he made out a strange figure in the distance that billowed along with the fog.
It stood tall with a lanky appearance, wearing a tattered green robe and gauze over its right shoulder, with two digited limbs that reminded Caballeron of Abyssinians. The face was a different story entirely: A long, orange, skeletal face with purple eyes and three long magenta hairs. The very sight of it wasn't just frightening; it was the same figure seen on slab that had disappeared not too long ago.
"Return the slab..." It uttered in an eerie male voice, the command echoing in the night as it raised its hands.
"What?" Dr. Caballeron asked before taking a step back, shielding the slab from view "I-I do not know what you're referring to. There is no slab." He replied, trying to sound courteous.
"Return the slab...or suffer my curse." The figure spoke again, making Caballeron flinch with the added threat. Was Daring Do actually right about a curse being involved? Maintaining his bravado, he tried standing his ground against the offender.
"What if I don't have your precious slab, hm? What if it is in somepony else's possession?" He gave a cursory glance behind him at Daring Do before grinning at the distant phantom "Perhaps a certain pony who decided to raid your tomb for your riches?" The doctor asked persuasively.
'Using me as a scapegoat to save his own skin...Classic Caballeron.' Daring Do thought to herself as Caballeron's henchponies began to shake at the sight of the being outside.
"This night, you will be visited by three plagues, each worse than the last...Return the slab..." The figure warned, never leaving from where he stood.
"Plagues?" Caballeron parroted in bemusement. A part of him wanted to call the stranger's bluff, but another part of him wondered if he should leave the slab with Daring Do and make a run for it. He looked around for any escape opportunity, only to see that the fog was rather thick, as if he really was trapped with a ghost. He grunted to himself before stepping back inside.
"Just give us a minute to discuss this matter. I'm sure you can hold of on your little 'plagues' before we come to a consensus." He said before shutting the door. After doing so, Caballeron found himself hyperventilating with widened eyes, sweating bullets as the slab was still in his grasp.
"Unbelievable! An actual curse!? Now!?" Caballeron said to himself as he tried to regain his composure.
"Yes, now!" Daring Do piped up impatiently "In fact, you should give that mummy back his slab right now!" The henchponies frantically nodded simultaneously in agreement.
"But I didn't come all this way to have my most rarest find end up returned to its deceased owner!" Caballeron shot back, albeit still nervous as he examined the slab "I do not know what these 'plagues' might hold, or if they affect just us, but maybe there's a way around it; a way for me to walk away unscathed..."
As he attempted to plot an acceptable plan, he noticed that the image of waves were next to fade from the slab, causing him to gasp.
"Not again!"
"What? Did another image vanish?" Daring Do guessed as she read Caballeron's shocked expression.
"Yes...The waves, this time." Caballeron looked back at the door he laid against "I can only wonder what sorcery that walking corpse is capable of." After his statement, he felt a drop of water on his muzzle. He rubbed at it in confusion, only to feel another drop on his temple, he, along with everypony else focused on the ceiling as what appeared to be an indoor downpour from the ceiling had begun.
"Horseapples..." Daring Do managed to say as the shack's interior began to quickly fill up with water. The henchponies found themselves swimming around in a panic while their captor struggled in her bonds. Caballeron swam up to the surface of the rising water, still holding onto the slab as he looked around for any way to stop the flooding.
"The door!" Caballeron looked to find a struggling Daring Do call out to him "You gotta open the doo-" She sunk and gurgled as the shack was turned into a wooden fish tank, with the ponies inside swimmign for their lives. One of the henchponies swam for the door and tried twisting and yanking at the doorknob with his hooves, but to no avail. Daring Do watched the display while holding her breath and kicking her hindlegs before turning to the remaining ponies, sans Caballeron - who was still protectively clutching the slab - and nodded to the door.
They easily took the cue and proceeded to aid their partner in opening the door via brute strength. All four earth ponies rammed at the door to the best of their ability, only succeeding in getting the door to bend with each strike. Daring Do narrowed her eyes before swimming over to the wall opposite of the door and kicking herself off of it, picking up speed to join the henchponies into finally busting the door open, causing all of the collected water to spew out in a large deluge, with the remaining puddles and droplets slowly turning to ice in the desert's cold night climate. Daring Do was lucky enough to free herself from her ropes as she laid on the ground.
The owner of the slab watched all of this unfold, and placed his arms akimbo as he saw his first plague thwarted.
"Awwww come on..." He complained softly while watching the ponies scamper back inside the shack, slamming the door. Everypony present was now on high alert, nervously anticipating the next curse with bated breath. Daring Do glared over at Dr. Caballeron, marching up to him with discontent.
"Alright, Caballeron, one plague was enough." She said patiently, albeit with ire clear in her tone "We don't need the rest of them if they're worst than the one we just went through." She held out a hoof "Give me the slab, so I can return it to the crypt."
Caballeron looked at Daring Do, then at the slab, alternating between the two a couple of times before drawing back and defensively covering the slab like a child.
"I refuse! We managed to beat this plague, no? What makes you think we cannot make it through the next one?" He was unaware of his henchponies slapping hooves to their faces simultaneously in response to his declination. Meanwhile, another image from the slab began to vanish: This time, it was the gramophone.
Daring Do perked up as she caught this and gritted her teeth "Dang it, Caballeron!"
The ponies cautiously looked around the shack until the strangest song began to play in their ears. There was confusion, followed by screams of anguish as the song somehow came off as painful to their ears despite its seemingly upbeat sound.
"This is what madness must feel like!!" Caballeron shouted as he tried to bear the catchy, yet hurtful melody. He laid on top of the slab protectively as he covered his ears with his forehooves.
"Sweet Celestia, why!?" Daring Do mustered every fiber of her being to figure out a way to stop the noise while it continued to pierce into her head. She remembered that the image related to the current plague was a gramophone, meaning that unless their offender is the one making the music, there could very well be an actual gramophone in their vicinity. A foolish gamble, but Daring has nothing else to work with at present.
The adventurer decidedly left the shack in search of the source of the weaponized song. She could care less about the cold air that surrounded her along with the fog, much less the being that remained in the same spot throughout the night. The only thing that crossed her mind as she went was that the song pounding in her ears spoke of somepony named King Ramses, who was covered in gauze. Catching a cursory glance at the haunting figure behind her, it was easy to piece who the individual was now.
Looking around the shack at a breakneck pace, Daring Do widened her eyes when she spotted both an actual gramophone on the other side of the shack's entrance, and the baleful tune it blared. She wasted no time in destroying it with her bare hooves until it was a pile of splinters and vinyl. Breathing a sigh of relief, she galloped back inside of the shack, ignoring yet another repetitive demand along the way.
"Is it over? Is it really over?" Caballeron asked hopefully as he drew his hooves away from his ears. His goons all laid down in relief, a couple of them rubbing their ears.
"Not until we get rid of the slab." Daring Do said firmly as she slammed the door and marched back over to Caballeron "This has gone on long enough. We're all tired of these plagues, and this whole thing is just not worth it!" She pointed at the slab underneath her enemy "There's only the one image left on that slab, anyhow. So unless you wanna take a blank slab to the nearest buyer - assuming we actually survive - we're taking the slab back to King Ramses!" Caballeron's henchponies all nodded in unison, while Caballeron himself stared at Daring Do quizzically.
"King Ramses? Are you saying that the ghoul outside is named King Ramses?" He asked as he got up, reflexively grabbing the slab while doing so.
"It's a wild, but plausible guess." Daring said curtly before pointing at the door with a scowl "Now, go out there and return the slab." Caballeron growled before glaring back at his enemy.
"Fine! I'll go return the slab. I suppose we went through enough for one night, and I've spent too much time with you as it is." He stated before making his way towards the door.
"Thank you." Daring Do said halfheartedly as she opened the door for Caballeron, ushering him outside. He wasn't too keen on surrendering something so precious, even if today wasn't his best, but perhaps there could be some benefit out of this entire ordeal. That was when an idea crept into his shifty mind...
The doctor was only ten feet away from the one called King Ramses. They both stared at one another before Caballeron held up the slab.
"You want this slab, yes?" He called out.
"Return the slab..." King Ramses replied, coming off as a broken record.
"Yes, yes, I know. But, I desire something as well, you see...Perhaps we can make a deal?" Caballeron asked persuasively with a winning grin. Daring Do and the henchponies all watched with their jaws dropped.
King Ramses merely stared at Caballeron in silence.
"Well? Are you willing to hear my terms?" He asked again.
King Ramses merely raised his gangly limbs in response to the question, prompting Dr. Caballeron to cock his head to the side.
"Is-...Is that a yes?" In his confusion, the doctor did not notice the slab's final image of a locust vanishing, leaving only a blank slate in his grasp.
Daring Do contemplated on tackling Caballeron and returning the slab herself, but pushed the thought aside as her ears picked up a distant buzzing sound to her left. Looking over at the fog-covered landscape, the sound picked up in volume as she saw a vast swarm of locusts flying in the distance. She gasped and called out to Caballeron.
"You don't barter with the dead, you idiot! Just give him the slab, already! You'll kill us all!" Daring Do shouted as the buzzing grew even louder. Caballeron looked to his left and noticed as well before he screamed and dashed back into the shack with the slab.
"Okay..." Caballeron managed to say while catching his breath "So it's a little bug problem. We can manage some bug bites, right?" He looked over to his henchponies, who regarded their leader with deadpan expressions before they all pointed at a window. Caballeron looked out to see a distant palm tree. The approaching swarm covered it as it gradually closed the distance, leaving only a tiny stump.
Surprisingly, it was all it took for the doctor to actually let the slab slip out of his grasp as he gazed upon the scene with dread. He quickly picked it up and tossed it to Daring Do, drawing back with his forehooves in a placating gesture.
"Fine! Take it! I don't care anymore! For once, you're right: It's just not worth dying for! It's yours now!" He shouted in panic.
Daring Do quickly bolted back out of the shack with the blank slab in her hooves before flying up and tossing it near King Ramses. After it touched the ground, the swarm of ravenous locusts dispersed and the fog surrounding the ponies had lifted, giving way to a peaceful - if not more barren - desert under the stars.
Caballeron and his goons cautiously stepped outside to assess the current situation before breathing sighs of relief. Daring Do hovered down to the ground and joined the stallions in their brief moment of respite. It wasn't long until the impossible happened, and Caballeron found himself drawn to the slab yet again when he noticed how all three plagues have passed, much to the chagrin of the others. Though it was blank, the doctor was nonetheless overjoyed that the worst was over as he caressed the slab in his hooves.
"I can't believe I almost died for this slab. What was I thinking when I thought to just give it away when the final plague could be stopped with ease!" Caballeron said to himself before noticing the ghastly figure of King Ramses nearby. He was scared at first, but then appeared smug as he pointed a hoof at him "If I recall correctly, you said three plagues would befall us. Well, it would seem that they have all been dealt with easily! The inscriptions may be lost, but I can still sell this slab for a sizable profit!" He proclaimed triumphantly with a taunting laugh.
King Ramses only stood passively as the doctor laughed away at the prospect of actually making off with his slab. Caballeron continued to laugh, unaware that the fog returned - this time, around the both of them - along with the dreaded swarm that disappeared not too long ago. Caballeron's laughter ceased when he heard the buzzing noise return.
"Wh-What?" He whimpered as he looked behind him to see the locusts drawing near.
"Return the slab..." King Ramses uttered as the locusts hovered above Caballeron, who stared with widened eyes before giving off a final scream before the swarm closed in on him.
_____
The next day, Daring Do was sipping an apricot-based beverage at a juice bar in Somnambula, albeit with a sullen expression on her face. She was downcast with not only her latest find being the most dangerous, but that one of her enemies had succumbed to it of their own accord. Daring let off a sigh before finishing and paying for her drink, leaving the establishment with her head down.
Ever since last night, she couldn't stop thinking about Caballeron's terrible fate. Not even his former henchponies couldn't bear it before they ran off and went their separate ways. A part of her hoped that in the future, a similar mistake would never be repeated, be it by her or anypony else that sought adventure.
She would make sure to honor Caballeron with a good story, even if it meant twisting the events to make him look good.
Back at King Ramses crypt, the sarcophagus laid the same way as it always had, only this time, there was a notable difference: The same slab from before rested in the same spot, but instead of King Ramses, there was a familiar stallion with his hooves raised and his mouth open in a horrified scream.
To anypony that would discover this rare find, they would now know that ruin would fall upon those who would dare to steal what appears to be just a simple slab...
_____
A zebracorn wearing a top hat was mindlessly typing away at his dusty typewriter, trying to battle the age-old enemy that was Writer's Block. He felt that the battle was one-sided, but a part of him felt that there has yet to be a time to rest only after the story was finished. This very thought filled him with a faint sense of determination. That is, until the sound of a door flying open graced his ears.
"You just don't learn, do you?"
He stopped, but the zebracorn didn't need to look back to know that a particularly prismatic pegasus was pretty peeved with a paperback of a popular pony published by him.
"What made you think this would pass as a story!? Everything about this was just as bad as the last one you wrote! I almost thought Daring D-I mean A. K. Yearling actually wrote off one of her characters!" Rainbow Dash ranted before slamming down the accursed copy onto the zebracorn's floor "What do you have to say for yourself!?" She asked, hyperventilating over an otherwise trivial matter. The offender merely spun around in his swivel chair and regarded Rainbow Dash with a stoic glance, saying only three words:
"What's your offer?"
He was tackled and strangled again thusly.
The End
Author's Note
So glad I got this out of my system. Now if only the rest of my stories were this easy. In the words of Toby Keith:
I hope you've enjoyed this little brainchild of mine as I've come to writing it. I saw the opportunity and I friggin' took it. 
