Twilight The Phraseologist

by deadpansnarker

Rating: everyone
Tags: Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Luna, Spike, Comedy, Starlight Glimmer, Princess Celestia, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 7080

Twilight awakens one morning with an odd tic: she can't stop talking in cliches and phrases. All this, on the eve of a big speech in Canterlot, too. Starlight tries to help, but might her magical 'remedy' cause more problems than it solves?

Twilight awakens one morning with an odd tic: she can't stop talking in cliches and phrases. All this, on the eve of a big speech in Canterlot, too. Starlight tries to help, but might her magical 'remedy' cause more problems than it solves?

Created as a companion piece to Twilight And Friends Can't Stop Rhyming, but this is just a bit longer.

Featured from 25/5/18 to 26/5/18. Yippee!

Published 2018-05-24 21:00:10 UTC
Last updated 2018-05-24 21:00:10 UTC

'Reading is to the mind, what exercise is to the body'

Princess Twilight Sparkle (title honourably conferred) should've known it wasn't just going to be an everyday day the minute she leapt out of bed that morning, simultaneously knocking off a stack of encyclopaedias from the sheets (just a bit of light nighttime reading to drop off).

"Well, rise and shine! I've caught some z's, and now I'm as fit as a fiddle! Time I got a move on, after all: the early bird catches the worm..."

What the... the alicorn's initially sunny mood at greeting the day ahead, further heightened by the fact she was delivering a big keynote speech that afternoon in her hometown of Canterlot to various luminaries, was quickly extinguished. I-I'm talking really goofy! That isn't what I meant to say at all! What's going on?!

Fortunately, her personal thoughts seemed to be in order, because if she couldn't think straight, she really would be in trouble. Deciding to see if maybe her earlier delirium was the result of a bad dream or bout of temporary insanity, she decided to try enunciating again, this time properly.

"I'm as healthy as a horse! No more talking horse feathers, I'm going to speak horse sense! Now enough horsing around, it's time for the breakfast of champions, because I'm as hungry as a... AARGH!!"

The only way Twilight could halt the seemingly endless procession of phrases unspooling from her mouth was to forcibly close it with her hooves. Even then, she could feel the next storm of cliches coming, ready to unleash themselves on an unsuspecting world.

Something is obviously very wrong with me! the stressed alicorn soon recognised, whilst assessing her options. I can't go to the auditorium in this condition! Whatever will everypony think of me?! Luna and Celestia will be there! Starswirl The Bearded will be in attendance! STARSWIRL. THE. BEARDED. Oh, what to do? What to do?!

It was at this crucial point that Spike, her loyal and very best assistant, decided to make an uninvited appearance. "Hi Twi." He said disinterestedly, opening her door whilst carrying a big heap of papers. "I've got your speech ready for you right here, all in order and completely unedited, as you requested. I wish you'd let me remove some of these more tedious metaphors though, I mean: do we really need an entire five paragraphs on how friendship is like a box of chocolates?!"

Despite doing her utmost to hold everything in (on account of her condition), Spike's blatant ignorance regarding the brilliance of Twilight's analysis caused the alicorn to blurt out in frustration. "How dare you talk down my nuggets of advice! Keep an open mind on my pearls of wisdom if you please, as one day out of the blue they may save your hide from coming a cropper..."

"Erm, Twilight... are you feeling okay?" The sound of Twilight blithering on like she'd swallowed a phrase book caused Spike to turn and face her with concern. "I didn't understand a word of what you just said. Well actually, that happens a lot, but even to these untrained ears, that sounded even more incoherent than usual."

"What are you harping on about, Spike? I feel completely in the pink!" Twilight desperately tried to reassure her little buddy she was alright, but to negligible results. "I'm as sound as a pound, right as rain, ready to take the bull by the... oh, why am I trying to pull the wool over your eyes? I'm actually as sick as a dog, a total sad sack, down in the dumps: when will this gloom and doom end? Everything's going to Tartarus in a hoofbasket..."

"W-Wow Twilight, you're not well at all! That's what you're trying to say at least, I think..." Spike set down his papers temporarily to fiddle about in his ear. "...Tell you what, if this is something magical-related, it might be worth fetching Starlight from downstairs to see if she can help you out. I'm more of a fetcher, carrier and offerer-of-hope-in-times-of-crisis kinda guy. Well, I'll just go and grab her now, then..."

"Fare ye well, Spike." Twilight attempted to sound as encouraging as she could without seeming hackneyed. "I'll wish you luck as I wave you goodbye. He who dares wins..."

"...Yeah. So anyway, I'll be back in a jiffy." A very flustered Spike dashed out of there as quickly as possible, pausing briefly as he realised with horror that like yawning, rapid phrase creation seemed to be contagious, too.

............................................

"I see. So, when did you first start noticing these particular... symptoms?" Despite trying to conduct with herself with as much professionalism as possible, Starlight couldn't help but find Twilight's constant cliche-spouting rather amusing.

"At the crack of dawn, when I was just gathering my wits." Twilight frowned profusely at her constant battle not to sound like a total nutcase. "Oh Starlight, it's like the world is coming to an end! Can you cure what ails me? My big speech is in two shakes of a horse's tail, as the crow flies..."

"Alright, I think I'm getting the general idea..." Starlight nodded, just after turning away momentarily to stifle a brief snigger. "It seems to me that somepony has been overdoing it a little on the reading side of things, and coupled with your penchant for experimental magic, has caused an overflow of information in your brain, thus causing this adverse reaction."

"...Come again?" Spike piped up alongside Starlight, once again feeling completely lost in the presence of these two eggheads.

"...Or, if you want to put it in laydragon's terms..." Starlight frowned slightly at her reptilian helper's naivety regarding the mystic arts. "She has 'cliche diarrhoea', a not-so-common affliction which mainly affects former librarians who needs to do less studying and more socialising. It's a condition more irritating than debilitating, but don't worry. Give me a few minutes, and I should be able to whip up an incantation to fully reverse this rare illness."

"Wow, that's incredible!" Spike remarked, genuinely impressed at Starlight's thorough and prompt diagnosis. "You managed to figure all that out, just by looking her over now? How come I've never heard of this 'cliche diarrhoea', though? You'd think, after spending a lifetime with Twilight, inspecting some of the most obscure volumes know to ponykind, it would've appeared in text at some point, but no."

"Well, I'm not really surprised about that..." Starlight commented with a proud grin, as she comforted her royal 'patient' with a light pat on the head. "...Because I just invented it. Do you think I should submit my findings to the Pony Disease Research Bureau? I might get a brief mention in their next periodical, if my research proves to be useful."

"I see." Spike replied with a raised eyebrow, considerably less enamoured with the unicorn's 'genius' than before. "So seeing as this disorder is completely new to you, and your treatment of Twilight is going to basically consist of you winging it with magic, wouldn't it be a better idea to bring somepony else into the fold to have a look at her? Or even, some zebra? Zecora, perhaps?"

"W-What?! Erm... n-no time for that!" Starlight appeared to pale for a moment, as if the mere notion of the alicorn being cured by someone other than her expertise was treasonous. "Besides, doesn't she have a train to catch? If we have to take a stroll all the way into the Everfree Forest and back again, won't she be late for her big speech? Don't want to keep ol' Starswirl The Bearded in his first big public engagement since he emerged from 'hibernation' waiting, do we?"

The slightest chance she might miss out on Starswirl's praise at her oratory skills nearly gave Twilight palpitations, just as Starlight intended. "Spike, don't look a gift horse in the mouth! Starlight here isn't talking a load of old pony, she's on the ball and will have me ready to rumble at the double! Make yourself available please, for we'll be leaving in a flash!"

"H-Huh?! Well, if you say so." Spike finally accepted the equine duo's decision, but with a huge degree of skepticism, as evidenced by his talking to himself all the way to his room to collect the luggage. "I dunno, you try to give these ponies good advice, and get it thrown back in your face every single time. I don't know why I bother, mumble, nopony ever listens to me, mutter. No way to treat a loyal dragon mumble ,so many good years of service, just what has it gotten me mutter..."

Despite being absolutely sure she made the right call, Twilight felt a little twinge in her heart at seeing her closest friend feeling unappreciated, and nearly went after him. "Poor Spike has a cloud hanging over his head. Maybe if I draw level with him now, we can see eye to eye once we talk turkey..."

"Erm, If you want to get there before the conductor blows his whistle and the lunch menu is released, I suggest we begin now." Starlight quickly began telling Twilight of her plans to take the alicorn's mind off of things "So, here is the incantation I've just scrawled down in my notebook, which is absolutely guaranteed to work. Well, 99.9% I suppose, if we're going to be specific. Now, just sit there and close your eyes tightly, as I begin the remedial spell. And remember: Starlight Glimmer Cooperated is not liable for any possible loss of sanity during this delicate procedure."

If the unicorn had meant that as a joke, then Twilight certainly wasn't laughing. "That was about as funny as a fart in an elevator." she critiqued, bluntly.

"Well I never, Twilight! I didn't think you were capable of such coarseness, even under the influence of this maddening mallady!" Starlight exclaimed, a bit shocked but already in her head typing out the first chapter of her thesis. "Anyway, if you're ready, off we go. Brace yourself please..."

...................................

"Ah, it's so nice to open my mouth for a change, and not utter drivel with every single word!" A much happier Twilight Sparkle reclined back in her pre-booked seat, watching the other passengers filter onto the train. "...And to think Spike, you were worried! I told you before, Starlight is a true pro at this magic game! She knows what she's doing, so maybe you should try showing a little more faith in the future."

"Yeah, yeah." Spike wasn't about to admit to being 'wrong' just yet, as he was too lumbered with his secretarial duties to feel very magnanimous. "Let's just hope nothing else goes wrong during the next couple of days, I've had more than enough 'excitement' recently. Now, where's that lunch I ordered: gem salad with real gems and a glass of tap water? It should've been ready for me from the second I arrived. So much for their 'quick service' guarantee."

"Spike, you must learn not to be so impatient all the time!" Twilight gently chided her lovable yet grumpy assistant. "You should be thankful they even have the facilities to cater for dragonkind here, instead of moaning about slight delays in food preparation. Remember: 'the best things come to those who wait'..."

Twilight was about to add a bit more homespun philosophising to her advice column there, before the sound of the refreshments trolley approaching cut her off in her prime. The young stallion pushing it along was a jittery type, and he addressed Spike as cordially as possible.

"I-I'm awfully sorry for the hold-up in your food, sir..." croaked the poor overworked guy, his cart trembling alongside him to show how nervous he must've felt. "A-As a goodwill gesture, we'll upgrade your salad to a full three course dinner, and even throw in the condiments for nothing! W-We hope you don't think this bad experience has tainted your opinion of the Friendship Express, and you'll still recommend us to all of your friends and significant others!"

Nearly rendered speechless by this random act of generosity, all Spike could do was offer a stammered 't-thanks' by way of gratitude, before a noticeably relieved trainee backed carefully away and trundled off with his trolley once more.

"What was that all about?!" was all that Twilight could remark on this odd encounter. "I've had meals come later here than yours before, and they've never given me the chance to have it enhanced due to their tardiness. And, I don't mean to sound like a diva, but I'm a princess for Celestia's sake!"

"Well, my guess is that the staff on board here recognise a true hero when they see him!" Spike smirked confidently, whilst filing his claws to a perfect edge. "I suppose in hindsight, you should expect the 'Saviour Of The Crystal Empire' to be afforded just a bit more respect than your average 'commoner'(!)"

Twilight knew that Spike was joking (well, half joking, at least) but nevertheless decided to play along. "Be careful, Spike. You don't want to get a big head now!!"

Before Twilight could utter another syllable though, something bizarre and quite disturbing occurred. Spike's neck suddenly bulged out, and in addition the rest of his cranium seemed to increase in size, too. Whatever sorcery was at play here was all over after a few seconds, but the aftereffect was Spike sporting a head which was at least as big as the rest of his body. Strangely though, his eyes, ears,etc. stayed exactly as they were, giving his facial features the appearance of a surreal modern art painting. And not a particularly attractive one, either.

"Twilight... what's going on?" Spike spoke with great difficulty, as he almost toppled off his chair due to his physical imbalance now.

"I-I have no idea..." Twilight was shocked at the sorry sight of her now larger-than-life aide, and desperately racked her brains to figure out what could've caused this bizarre phenomenon.

Wait... I just said he shouldn't develop a 'big head'... and that thing about 'the best things come to those who wait'.... oh no. Twilight's eyes widened with horror as she realised she'd probably found the answer, and it wasn't exactly a pleasant one. The spell which Starlight cast on me didn't stop the cliches: it just made me say less of them, but when I do, they all come true! I have to reverse this jinx immediately, and restore Spike to his old snarky self!

"We've got to shake a leg, and hop off here now!" Twilight spoke urgently to her dragon friend, who could only nod in agreement, as talking had become a real chore. "We can take a rain check on the speech, removing this 'curse' of mine is on the front burner now..."

Oops. It would appear that Twilight's frequent phrase making was back, this time with a renewed vengeance. And this time, her carelessness with words was going to have somewhat dire consequences.

For one, it's a bit hard to disembark from a train when one of your hind legs is uncontrollably vibrating, you can only hop on the other and you're dragging along an out-of-sorts baby dragon for the ride.

Another slight problem is when it unexpected starts pouring it down outside, and the last remaining passengers are in a hurry to bustle on board to keep dry, thus preventing any quick retreat.

What ultimately sealed her failure to leave the elongated vehicle prematurely however, was her last sentence in that long string of cliches.

You see, like all trains in Ponyville, this one was strictly coal-operated (they just don't have the problems with pollution we do).

And when somepony under the influence of a potent hex makes a remark along the lines of 'being on the front burner'...

Well, you've probably guessed by now which part of the train the fuel was put into. And how surprised the poor mare shovelling the stuff into the engine was at her body no longer being under her control, as she found herself working around a thousand times faster than normal.

As soon the last pony was on board, there wasn't even time to blink before the train hurtled along the tracks at a record speed, causing coffee spillages and crumpled up newspapers aplenty.

Despite the unbelievably quick speed which was destined to deposit travellers in Canterlot at around a fraction of the time it usually took though, the company shouldn't expect too many positive passenger reviews at the end of the short trip. Talk about ungrateful.

In the meantime, poor Twilight was stuck nursing a bewildered big-headed Spike in the back of a breakneck locomotive, knowing that one wrong word out of place could turn somepony's fur green, transform her into a chicken or indeed bring on the next Ice Age.

And you thought you were having a rough day.

....................................

"What time did thou say her train was due?" Luna queried of her sister, having made the special effort of rousing herself during the day for this Extremely Important speech.

"Hmm, why do you ask that, sister of mine?" Celestia wondered, having informed the darker mare of Twilight's arrival time, just before they'd got there to give her a surprise greeting.

"Because Celestia, either thou's wrong..." Luna continued, while staring further into the distance. "... Or the Friendship Express is running an hour early today."

"Huh?" Celestia's eyes opened with surprise. She knew the public transportation system from Ponyville to Canterlot was highly efficient, but not usually that punctual. "I wonder what could be going on? Maybe this is connected with that unforecast thunderstorm we had a little while ago. Perhaps Twilight Sparkle knows something about these odd occurrences."

Making their mind up to question the smaller alicorn the moment she got off the train, the two princesses were in for a shock when she eventually made an appearance through the rows of complaining passengers. The first thing that drew their attention was Spike's elevated skull, as he tottered alongside Twilight, his tiny legs straining heavily to keep his neck upright.

"Greeting to thou, Twilight Sparkle." Luna was the first to speak, and attempted to be diplomatic as possible. "And Master Spike, too. My, hasn't he grown? Well, in one area, at least..."

Celestia glared at her sibling's rather poor choice of dialogue there, and attempted to rectify the situation. "W-What she means is of course, he seems brainier than ever! Anyway, how are you, Twilight Sparkle? I must say, you seem a bit quieter than usual. Was it the speed of the train you took to get here? I must say, it was shooting by so fast while we were standing here, I thought it was going to go right past us! I wonder what the explanation could be for it's unprecedented pace, and why we had a sudden downpour a few minutes ago on what was supposed to be a fine and clear day."

Twilight indeed knew a lot about the current weird and wonderful range of happenings around Equestria, and was desperate to inform her fellow royals everything regarding her strange adventures ever since her voice-activated magical 'endowment' came into unwanted effect.

But terrified as she was that the next phrase that left her mouth could be her last, on account of the unpredictability of events afterwards, caused her great hesitation to even utter a single solitary syllable. Not wanting to appear rude in front of her auspicious welcoming party however, she decided to nudge Spike nearby, hoping that he might be able to explain the situation whereas she could not.

"W-Well..." the dragon attempted to talk, but he spoke very squeakily, on account of his voicebox being designed for a much smaller head. "Ya see, it all started when..."

"Pardon?" Luna cupped her ear closer to Spike, in an attempt to make out just what he was saying. "Thine ears are not strong enough to hear thine faint patter. Could thou please increase thine volume a tad?"

"Luna!" Celestia scolded her younger sister, as if she'd said something terribly rude. "This is obviously part of the dragon puberty cycle, and by drawing so much attention to it, can't you see you're embarrassing poor Spike? Leave him alone! I'm sorry Twilight, I'm afraid when you spend a thousand years on the moon, you tend to forget basic manners. Anyway, you were going to tell us something?"

Realising that she was in a pretty much no-win situation, Twilight was about to give up and state her case anyway regardless of risk factor, when a bowing stallion suddenly approached the party of three. He was dressed very officially and looked out of breath, and he held in his hoof a message that Celestia took and read with keen interest.

"I see. Well, thank you very much." was what she told the exhausted errand pony, indicating he was dismissed. Upon his departure, Celestia turned back to her sister and former student, with a big grin on her face as if everything suddenly made sense to her.

"Twilight Sparkle, once again your initiative never ceases to amaze me! I suppose as the most devout studier of Starswirl's teachings I have ever known, only you would be privy to this kind of exclusive personal information!"

Luna and Twilight looked at each other in surprise, their eyes forming a silent 'what'?

"Of course you'd have already have been aware..." Celestia continued effusively, a glint apparent in her eye. "...That Starswirl always appears 'fashionably early' for big events, so you made sure you got here in fantastically good time today! Not only that, but you conjured up this unseasonal weather to coax everypony else to board the train earlier than normal, so they wouldn't miss a thing! Of course, it would've been nice to have been informed about your plans beforehoof, but no matter. You're here now, and that's all that matters. Now let us head to the main hall, as we have but moments to spare until 'showtime'! Save your voice for your speech, the whole city and more will be watching! You coming, Luna? We have to make a few last minute preparations, if everything is going to start at such short notice."

"Well, yes. B-But..." Luna seemed somewhat less convinced of this hastily put-together explanation than her sister, and eyed Twilight and Spike suspiciously. But with little other choice, she eventually took to the skies with her sibling, leaving a somewhat gobsmacked Twilight behind to face the music.

Well, at least she still had her dragon friend, right?

Just what on Equestria should my next move be?! The alicorn exclaimed in her head to the heavens, before turning hopefully to her reptilian companion.

Spike, recognising that look, thought at length for a minute...

Carefully weighed up all available options...

Seemed as though he was about say something illuminating...

Before curtly shrugging his shoulders.

Yeah, great talk, Spike. Twilight growled as she turned to leave, obviously impressed.

.......................................................

Oh, what do I do, what do I do?! Twilight begged of her reflection in the dressing room, as if it could miraculously provide her with the necessary answer.

Alas, even though there were magic mirrors present in the queendom, this was just an ordinary one, so no such vital knowledge was forthcoming.

Seeing his mistress in such a great state of despair was enough to put even Spike's mind off his current head-shaped dilemma, and in his high-pitched voice he deigned to say something which he'd been holding back for a while. "Um, I actually did have an idea out there, but I didn't say anything for fear that it'd sound really stupid."

All at once, the mollified dragon found himself surrounded by a mixture of feathers and fur, as Twilight embraced him in a warm hug, as if to say: Oh Spike, I should've known you'd come through for me! Now, tell me your plan before I go on stage and make a complete jackass out of myself.

"E-Er, before you get too carried away..." Spike stated cautiously from within the alicorn's grasp. "...You might want to hear what it is first."

Oh Spike, you've never let me down before! ...Well, not exactly, but no-one's perfect. A relieved Twilight seemed to be reciting these words mentally as she stopped snuggling her best friend long enough to gaze at him adoringly. Now, no more delays. Out with it, if you please.

"Well, when I want something really,really bad, like a stack of new comic books, a basket full of tasty jewels or the hoof of the, ahem, one I truly love..." Spike eventually came out with his 'great' idea, with some reluctance. "...I wish as hard as I can, and hope it'll come true. Sometimes I use this in conjunction with a falling star, on other occasions I just screw my eyes up really tight until..."

Okay, okay, I think I get it. A pretty deflated Twilight raised a hoof to silently tell the dragon she understood. You're right, it does sound pretty daft, and in any normal circumstance I wouldn't even give the fanciful notion of wish fulfilment the time of day. But seeing as how I've already tried every magic spell I can think of to no great effect, and I can't back out of this speech now lest I cause great embarrassment to our hosts and Starswirl, I don't seem to have much choice in the matter. Here goes nothing...

Upon saying this, and completely against her better judgement, Twilight breathed in as deep as she could, blocked out all outside interference, and greeted the darkness with gusto. Please go away, curse. Please go away, curse. Please go away...

After that brief interlude, the very-silly-feeling princess opened up one eye a tad to see Spike doing his best not to giggle at her confabulations. Well, hardy har-har, I'm glad at least someone finds this amusing. She cast a disgruntled look at her alleged helper.

"I-I'm sorry Twi, it's just that you looked really funny doing that." Spike wiped a few stray tears of laughter off his larger-than-normal cheeks, before trying to get serious once more. "Okay, so now there's only one way to see if it's worked or not: say a few random phrases to see if they come true. If they don't, then I believe we've cracked it. If they do, then don't worry... we still have a chance at escape. Might I suggest the laundry chute?"

Twilight frowned at that last comment, but was far too polite to retaliate by pointing out that the sound of Spike squeaking like a mouse was the epitome of hilarity. Instead, she focused once more on staring at the mirror in front of her, before unsealing her lips and just hoping for the best.

"I don't mean to throw the baby out with the bathwater, or upset the apple cart, but I sure would be tinkled pink if I wasn't all dressed up with nowhere to go today! The buck stops here, so nice and easy does it... phew"

That was it. An entire mouthful of cliches, all in one breath, and Twilight finally felt purged of her infernal internal demons. Crossing her hooves together whilst fearing the worst, a few minutes of absolute agony sailed by as she waited for something to happen nearby, a scream to ring out, some poor soul to be mutilated, or so on...

But nothing did. Everything around her seemed normal, nothing out of the ordinary had materialised... and that's when Twilight noticed something else.

"Spike, your head is returning to it's usual size!" she exclaimed with joy, pointing emphatically at Spike's decreasing cranium.

"Huh?!" The hopeful dragon quickly felt around his skull and associated areas to find that indeed, his head was shrinking to it's proper breadth and width, like a receding wart. "You're right! And I don't sound like a chipmunk on helium anymore! I'm so happy! Woo hoo!"

"Your method actually worked! I don't believe it!" Twilight exclaimed in shock, still relishing the ability to say normal things again. "Mind you though, if Pinkie Sense can exist, then anything's possible I suppose. It is amazing though, the power to actually will something to happen simply by wishing hard enough. I'll have to help Starlight with her dossier on this as soon as we get home, people need to read it...!"

"Um, Twi." Spike's claws were pointing to a wall mounted clock, with obvious implications. "Shouldn't you have been on stage like, three minutes ago now?"

"Oh dear!" Twilight was suddenly all a mess, gathering her papers together quickly and dropping quite a few in the process. "We can look deeper into this phenomenon later, as well as study it in greater detail. Right now I have a speech to give, and a legendary mentor to impress. Thanks, for everything Spike! You always come up trumps, no matter what! Did I ever tell you how lucky I am to have you around? Well, bye for now!"

Spike waited until Twilight had dashed off, before raising an eyebrow and deadpanning "Well, how come that's never reflected in my pay packet, then?" before heading off himself to spend what meagre bits he had left on Canterlotian jewels.

After all, it's not like he got much chance to eat them in Ponyville. Those export taxes were just plain ridiculous.

......................................

"I can't believe how well that all went, after such a terrible start! Still, it's good to be home again." a relieved Twilight sighed, as she leaned back on her throne at the Friendship castle. Usually she'd frown at such uncouth behaviour, but considering the joviality of the occasion, she supposed she could afford to be a little immature for once.

"I know, right? How terrible would it have been to walk around with a head the shape and size of the moon for the rest of my natural days." Spike said adjacently to her on his own chair, as he caught up on the latest printed escapades of the nefarious Mane-iac. "With that kind of added weight, no way would I have ever been able to fly. And you can forget about getting a girlfriend, I don't think possessing a grotesquely huge noggin is a very desirable quality in a mate."

"I was talking about our trip to Canterlot and my speech, silly!" Twilight rolled her eyes, but soon returned to feeling relaxed again. " You're absolutely right though, it was good to return to normal after many hours of having to keep my mouth closed. You have no idea how hard it was wanting to talk, but having to stay quiet for so long."

"It must've been absolute torture, for you." quipped Spike, as he lazily began to cut out a coupon which would allow him to save a quarter off the next issue.

"...I meant because I might be putting somepony at risk through a few errant words spoken out of turn, you cheeky rascal!" Twilight huffed at her assistant, but it was a good-natured retort. "Just imagine what would've happened in that speech if I'd said something like 'as hungry as a horse', and started stuffing my face at the buffet! You know what a messy eater I can be! As it was, everypony including the princesses gave me a standing ovation, and even Starswirl seemed to thoroughly enjoy it, too!"

"Oh, you mean with that microscopic nod he gave you afterwards? Yeah, sounds like you totally had him on the edge of his seat!" Spike continues to sass effortlessly at the alicorn's self-congratulatory tone.

"I'll have you know, Mr Not Impressed, that from somepony as stoic as him, that's very high praise indeed!" Twilight informed the dragon, before making a small request of him. "...And please, no more phrases for the rest of the day, at least. All I want to do now is chill out, empty my head of everything and..."

"Um, sorry to disturb you both..." The sound of Starlight opening the double doors to the room startled both Spike and Twilight into gazing upwards. "But there are some ponies here to see you."

"What? At this late hour?!" Twilight grimaced in annoyance at her rest period being interrupted so easily. "Well, it's part of my duty to see them I suppose, as inconvenient as it is. Bring them in, and hopefully this won't take very long."

A noticeably agitated Starlight duly agreed, and left the room only to be accompanied a short time later by six ponies Twilight knew very well indeed. For they were none other other her fellow Elements Of Harmony, accompanied by Princess Cadance as a surprise addition.

"My friends!" Twilight suddenly sounded much more enthusiastic about meeting her visitors, and she jumped off her seat to address them in a more personal capacity. "Did you come all this way to ask how my speech went? Well, let me set your minds at ease: it was a rousing success! I'm a bit surprised to see you here too though, Cadence. Isn't it a bit far to travel from the Crystal Empire just to say 'well done'?"

"A-Actually, that's not why we're here, Twilight..." Cadence sternly told the pony she formerly babysat. "You see, me and your five friends here have been experiencing some odd problems of late, and according to Starlight here, you might be able to help us with them."

"Oh, how so?" Twilight enquired blithely, whilst casting an eye on a guilty-seeming Starlight.

"Well for one, I was giving Flurry Heart her daily scrub in the tub yesterday..." Cadence began telling her story. "...When lo and behold, just as I'm emptying the hot water afterwards, my precious very nearly got sucked down the drain! It took the combined strength of me and Shining Armour pulling her out to make sure she didn't take a one way trip to the sewers. Of course, she wasn't affected by the experience at all, in fact she found the whole thing hilarious. Even so, though..."

"...But what about me?!" Applejack also seemed to have something to say, and she was not best pleased. "There I was, standin' in the middle of the marketplace, with a crop of the juiciest, sweetest apples we've ever harvested, when BANG! For no apparent reason, the cart just collapses there and then, bruisin' all the produce and costin' me an entire weeks profit! How am I goin' to afford a brand new outhouse now?! We Apples are sick and tired of going outside, I tell you what."

"That's nothing... HA HA... I've been laughing... HO HO... non-stop since the other day.... HEE HEE... thanks to this stupid thing." Pinkie Pie sounded remarkably chipper and miserable at the same time, as a magical feather Twilight hadn't noticed before hovered around the party pony, tickling her endlessly. "I've tried pulling it, yanking it, even throwing meringue at it, but it just won't go away! I know I like a giggle sometimes, but this is just barbaric... HA HO HEE HEE... make it stop, please!"

"My poor clothes empire, once the fashion pinnacle of Equestria, is suffering a downturn in fortunes like never before!" sobbed poor Rarity, a few moments away from bursting into tears. "I hadn't had a customer in any of my shops for an entire day, which I thought was kind of odd, so I sent out some customer satisfaction forms. They all came back saying the same thing, they 'already had enough dresses' and 'there was nowhere to go in them, anyway'. I can fix virtually any problems, but just what am I supposed to do with that kind of feedback?! WAH!!"

"Excuse me, but er... can I have my turn now please?" Fluttershy had been waiting patiently to have her say, and given the chance she proceeded to hold up her pet rabbit Angel, who seemed noticeably less maniacal than normal. "One minute, the poor dear was eating his delicious and nutritious salad without a care in the world, next he just stopped moving altogether, and he's been like a stone statue ever since! I mean, his heart is still beating, but I've been unable to get him to budge an inch! The vet is completely clueless... I'm at my wits end..."

"I'm sorry, but all your problems pale into comparison compared to mine!" The mare who spoke there sure looked like Rainbow Dash, but considering how slowly her wings were flapping, you'd have been hard-pushed to believe it. "For some unknown reason, I can only fly at around a hundredth of my normal speed, and I'm the laughing stock of the Wonderbolts! In fact, I've been cut from the main squad entirely, until I 'get my act together'! Even Tank is laughing at me! And Pinkie Pie, too... but I guess that can't be helped."

"Wait a minute, wait a minute." Twilight struggled to make herself be heard above the general kerfuffle. "This is all very sad, and of course I'm willing to help out in any way I can, but I don't see what any of this has to do with..."

Despite her honest claims of innocence however, flashbacks began unwittingly appearing in Twilight's mind. Mostly revolving around whilst she was still in the dressing room in Canterlot, waiting for her speech to begin. I remember, what I said in front of that mirror, all those phrases which I thought had no effect. It turns out they did, just much further away, to other ponies...

"Spike!!" Twilight turned to her somewhat sheepish dragon friend, who was doing his best to avoid eye contact with her. "I thought you said that this wishing idea of yours would work! Instead, it seems to have transferred the consequences of my cliches to other ponies, all of whom I'm closely associated with!"

"H-Hey, I never said any such thing!" Despite being put on the spot, Spike was apparently determined to defend himself. "I said it might get rid of your problem! Besides, in case you haven't noticed, your 'illness' or whatever it was went away all by itself in the end! That last bout of phrase-spouting in front of the mirror must've had the effect of wearing it out, so it just disappeared! Even if my method was useless, you wouldn't have tried mouthing off to your reflection if it wasn't for me giving you hope, as false as it might've been in the end!"

"Yes, but just look at how our poor friends are suffering, because of my loose lips!" Twilight gestured to her assembled collection of guests. "Now I'm going to have to devise ways of trying to help them too, and it'll probably take days at least! So much for my time off!"

"Try not to worry too much about it, Twi..." Spike attempted to strike a more conciliatory tone. "My head returned to it's usual size without any outside interference, so I guess each cliche's effect has a shelf life. And just think, you're always telling me these days that your duties as a Princess stop you from spending as much time as you'd like with your friends... well, now's your chance to correct that situation! Remember: 'A friend in need, is a friend indeed'. Or, something."

"Why, you..." Twilight was about to admonish her reptilian buddy a little more, but she was quickly swamped by her friends desperate for a solution to their ongoing difficulties, allowing the sneaky drake to make good his egress by following Starlight outside.

"Is Twilight gonna be okay, after all, I am partially responsible for all this..." Starlight expressed her worries to Spike, as the pair of them scurried away. "Maybe I should go back in there, and lend her a hoof..."

"Nah, she'll be fine. She's dealt with much worse than this before, even in the time you've known her." Spike promised the concerned unicorn, before he had a question of his own. "Anyway Starlight, why did you tell all those ponies about Twilight's jinx being the possible cause of their own problems? You could've just brushed them off you know, or waited for us to get back to deal with things."

"Oh, that's easy." Starlight raised her head with pride, as she explained her motives. "Twilight is always telling me to be good, helpful, honest, and so I've been following those words closely of late, and making a few changes in my life."

"Yes, but you're not Applejack!" Spike remarked with a sigh, getting more exasperated with every word. "You don't have to be truthful every second of the day. There are some situations where it's better to wait, and..."

Seeing Starlight's confused face, and realising Twilight herself would give the unicorn a similar lecture later on, Spike decided to drop the matter for now. "A-Anyway, she might be in there with the rest of the afflicted for a while yet, so we best make ourselves busy."

"Oh, okay Spike. Hey, I've just had a fantastic idea! I have a ton of mail I need to post to my friends at my old village. I just have to put stamps on the envelopes now. You lick, I'll stamp. How does that sound?"

"Um Starlight, whilst that's pretty tempting, I was thinking more along the lines of something that's actually fun. Like, ping pong for instance?"

"I see. Well as long as I get to serve first, Spike."

"Well Starlight, seeing as I'm 'serving' all day long anyway, it'll be nice to take a break. So, agreed."

"Very funny, Spike. But if I were you I'd be careful: you don't want to end up like Twilight, only this time endlessly telling bad jokes, instead of cliches."

"W-What? Don't be absurd. That could never... could it? Have you read about a disease like that, Starlight? Come back! I must kknnooww..."

And as the two friends made their way to the table tennis room (which is actually a 'thing', the castle has many unrevealed rooms) our story finally reaches it's conclusion.

But not before announcing the result of the game, of course.

Spike 50 - Starlight 49

What a little dynamo.

Author's Note

Well, there you have it. My longest one-shot ever. Hope you enjoyed it, and don't forget to comment below if you did (or even if you didn't). :scootangel:

I'm off to dunk my hands in ice, but rest assured I'll be back at my keyboard beavering away soon enough. Well, catch ya later! :twistnerd: