Insults Of Sass Destruction
As Starlight Glimmer fixed her mane in front of her bedroom mirror, Trixie sat on the edge of the bed with a sigh. She rubbed the fabric of her cape together in thought.
“Do you think Trixie is important?” Trixie asked. “Like… if Twilight Sparkle really needed someone important, Trixie would be the first she’d summon?”
Starlight set the mane brush down and stared at Trixie through the mirror. “Maybe after she called the Elements of Harmony… and Spike… and myself… and the Princesses… and her brother. But after all those ponies? Sure. I think you’d eventually get a telegram in the mail.”
Trixie nodded solemnly. Then perked right back up as someone yelled for her.
“Trixie!” Twilight Sparkle from somewhere downstairs screamed. “Come to the kitchen right this very instant!”
Trixie’s eyes widened in happiness. “You hear that, Starlight? Twilight needs me! Trixie is necessary!” And after rising off the bed, she added: “What a great t-shirt slogan that would make!”
As Trixie ran from the room and down the spiralling staircase, Starlight followed close behind; something in Twilight’s ear-piercing scream had put her on edge.
“Care to explain?” Twilight asked Trixie the moment they arrived. Twilight, along with Spike, sat at the kitchen table hardly moving. They both sat there like lifeless planks of wood.
Trixie, somehow, hadn’t noticed that. “Care to explain Trixie’s world famous lukewarm tea recipe? But of course! Anything for Twilight Sparkle! First, Trixie starts with a good old-fashioned rain dance. Everypony knows the best water for tea comes from the sky—”
“Care to explain that?” Twilight cut in coldly, angling her head just the slightest of degrees to her right.
Trixie’s original smile vanished as she followed Twilight’s eyes, all the way to the tall, insect-like black figure currently pressed tight against the wall with a playful grin. Something thin and yellow swayed back and forth around its neck.
Trixie tried to remain helpful. Somewhat.
She whispered to Twilight, “That’s Queen Chrysalis. She tried to crash your brother’s wedding a few years ago. She’s a changeling. That means—”
“I know what being a changeling means!” Twilight barked in return. “Back to my original question: care to explain just why that particular changeling is here? More importantly: why she’s huddled in the corner of my very own kitchen pretending like she’s not even there?”
Trixie took a moment. Then she chuckled uneasily. “What makes you think this has anything to do with Trixie?”
Twilight glared at her. “Perhaps the necklace around Chrysalis’ neck? The one with the price tag still on it; the one from a seller called ‘Trixie Corp’? Honestly, I thought you got rid of all those magical artifacts of yours. Especially after that nasty amulet business.”
Trixie couldn’t meet her eyes anymore. “Well, perhaps when you said ‘get rid’ of all those terrible artifacts, Trixie instead ‘hid’ all those artifacts. From you, mostly.” A short pause. “Okay, just you.”
The growl deep in Twilight’s throat made Trixie think of more to say.
“But… what Trixie actually means…” Trixie sputtered out, “is that Trixie really had no choice in the matter! Five times Chrysalis came to buy something from Trixie, always spouting the same line: ‘Give us whatever it will take to finally defeat Twilight Sparkle and her big purple face!’ And every time she came in a new disguise. Once with an eyepatch. Once with a fake goatee. And that last time with two eyepatches and a fake goatee. Trixie felt sort of bad for her. So eventually Trixie sold her the Necklace of Invisibility.”
“Necklace of Invisibility?” Spike oozed out from across the table. “Sounds fancy.”
“Sadly, it’s not,” Trixie explained. “Merely an old popcorn necklace Trixie had lying around the wagon. Trixie told Chrysalis the power of invisibility comes directly from the caramel coated kernels. She must’ve believed her, because eighty bits later, here we are!”
“Eighty bits?” Starlight hissed over Trixie’s shoulder. “You better donate all those bits to charity by the time this whole thing gets settled.”
“Enough!” Twilight snapped in a hushed tone. “Regardless of who’s to blame for this, we still need a plan on how to move forward. Clearly, Chrysalis thinks she’s invisible even when she’s clearly not. Maybe that last defeat of hers really scrambled her brains more than we knew. Either way, we rely on hard evidence for the time being. Spike?”
Spike turned to her, surprised. “Spike what?”
“You were in the kitchen a few minutes before I arrived. What happened during that time?”
Taping on his chin with a claw, Spike said, “Well, for starters, I noticed Chrysalis in the corner. Then I shrieked and felt completely paralysed. Then after I cried a little, I watched as Chrysalis first licked all the bread in the breadbin before spitting in my morning coffee.”
“Anything else?” Starlight asked. “Anything major? Plans for takeover? Plans for murder? Plans for pretending to be somepony else?”
Spike shook his head. “Not… really. Just petty stuff, you know? Although, Chrysalis did whisper into my ear how stumpy my legs were. Please tell me they’re not that stumpy. Please?”
Starlight turned to Twilight. “What do you think we should do? Confront her? Take the necklace off her?”
Pondering for a moment, Twilight replied, “Let’s wait on it for now. As far as I can tell, Chrysalis just wants to pester us a bit. And, as odd as it sounds, it’s almost better that we know where she is and exactly what she’s doing oppose to having not a clue. We’ll all take turns watching her. Following her and recording what she does. Spike first because I still need some coffee.”
She glanced upward, watching Chrysalis remain pressed up against the wall, giggling quietly to herself.
“And, I mean, how annoying could it get?”
As if on cue, Chrysalis started creepily chatting to herself, “Same mane style eight years running? What gives? Twilight sure looked a lot slimmer back when she first fought Queen Chrysalis. Those fancy new wings of yours can’t hide all of that purple belly, Twilight!”
Twilight pursed her lips and grumbled. “Gee! I had no idea being invisible also meant no pony can hear you, too! Do we have a ghost in the castle or something?”
All ponies in the kitchen quieted. Chrysalis, too.
Until she returned with a ghost-like tone to her voice. “Oooo! Your castle is being haunted by an insulting ghost! Don’t have too much for breakfast, Princess! Otherwise you’ll break that chair underneath you! Oooo!”
Starlight rolled her eyes and faced Twilight. “Great. Now we have a ghost problem, too.”
***
Two hours later, Twilight conducted her first update with Spike in the hallway.
“What she’s been up to so far?” Twilight asked.
Spike read over his clipboard notes. “Thus far, invisible Chrysalis has trampled on all of the flowers in the backyard. Clogged four out of our eighteen toilets. Switched around the salt and pepper shakers. Spat in your personal coffee cup once. Washed it. Then spat in it again.”
“Hmm,” Twilight mused. “She sure has a lot of time on her hooves, doesn’t she?”
“Oh, and then she took all of your family and childhood photo albums and brought them to the livingroom fireplace.”
Twilight shut her eyes and exhaled. “She burned them all, didn’t she?”
“Nope. Actually, she just sat in front of the fire and flipped through them. I guess she likes remembering family and kids and all that.”
Twilight’s face flushed slightly. “Let’s, uhh, move on from that. What else did—”
Smack!
A thick text collided with Twilight’s nose. She held a hoof to it.
Queen Chrysalis, complete with Popcorn Necklace of Invisibility, stood just a few steps down the hall, holding close to her chest as many fat books as she could carry. “Oooo! Leave this castle now! Never return! This place could really do with a map! I keep getting lost! Ooo!”
Twilight sighed, still rubbing at her face. “Great. Ghost Chrysalis is back.” Then she added, much louder, “And I sure hope that any ghost within earshot realizes that if everypony in the castle suddenly up and left, there’d be no one around to pester anymore!”
Chrysalis already had her foreleg back, ready to toss another text. She held it there. “Disregard my original comment! Stay awhile! Make yourselves at home! Oooo! And who doesn’t like a good smack on the snout with a book every once in a while? Especially when it’s so well deserved?”
Loudly dropping all books to the floor, Chrysalis marched off somewhere new. But not before giving Twilight a brand-new idea.
“I’ve got it!” Twilight happily declared. “Books!”
In response, Spike stuck out his tongue and gagged. “No way! An idea from Twilight Sparkle involving books! How crazy and totally out of character!”
Twilight furrowed her brows at him. “You’d better disarm those insults of sass destruction right this instant, Spike. We’ve got bigger things to worry about now.”
Twilight then lit up her horn, causing Starlight to randomly plop out of some shimmering portal.
“You realize I was just in one of our clogged-up bathrooms when you did that, right?” Starlight asked.
“No time to reply!” Twilight told her. “You and I’ve got a book to write!”
***
Nearly six hours later, Trixie entered the castle’s lavish library with a gasp. On the room’s soft, thick carpet sat Queen Chrysalis, cross-legged and with popcorn necklace of invisibility in place. She was busily watching Spike atop a table, reading aloud from a book.
“‘Not today, Cadence!’ Queen Chrysalis roared,” Spike read from the book, acting his way along the circular table that he was currently using as his stage. “The rage in the changeling Queen’s eyes at that moment was enough to make all but the sturdiest of stallions tremble in fear. Even Princess Cadence had to quiver out a breath before responding…”
Trying her best not to interrupt Spike, Trixie gathered beside Twilight and Starlight near the other end of the library. Both, also, appeared to be enjoying the show.
“What is all this?” Trixie asked them softly.
“Spike’s reading aloud a new book,” Starlight answered. “One that Twilight and I wrote.”
Trixie cocked a brow. “You two… wrote a whole book in just a day?”
“Well,” Twilight said, “Starlight did around eight pages.”
“And you?”
“Four hundred and fifty-one. Darn writers block.”
Starlight turned to her. “Well, I would’ve gotten more out, but that darn papercut really slowed me down. Remember?”
“That self-inflicted papercut, you mean?”
Starlight shrugged. “What can I say? Sometimes I find it easier to bleed than to read.”
Trixie watched Spike on the table again, in the middle of yet another long-winded monologue. Then she eyed Chrysalis again, as attentive as a filly being read a fantastic princess story for the very first time ever.
“What’s your new book even about?” Trixie asked. “Must be something amazing considering Chrysalis can’t take her eyes off Spike.”
“It’s basically a retelling of the Canterlot wedding invasion,” Twilight explained, “only this time if Chrysalis had been victorious and not us. We called it, ‘If I Got Away With It’. I also wrote it under my fake author’s name: Orange Juice Drinker. Just in case Chrysalis investigates.”
Trixie clicked her tongue together. “Okay. But why, though? To make Chrysalis happy?”
“To buy us some time to figure things out,” Starlight said. “And speaking of that… we really should stop watching this and get to work. Ready, Twi?”
“Sure thing.” Twilight glanced back at Spike one last time—in the midst of some epic swordfight it seemed. “At the very least I promised Spike a nice long nap after his performance.”
***
Spike’s “nice long nap” was relatively short-lived, as not twenty minutes went by following his energetic book reading before something strange happened. Namely, a flying bit of parchment that sailed straight into Twilight’s eye.
“Darn it, Chrysalis!” Twilight yelped, before realizing it was only her and Starlight in the study at the time. She grabbed at the smoldering bit of parchment and read.
“Send he.”
Starlight snatched up the note. “Send he? Isn’t Spike the only ‘he’ in the castle? And, obviously, this came from him, so—”
Another note. “Send hel,” Twilight read, puzzled. “I think Spike’s still a little too young for Hell, so what could it mean?”
A final note. “Send help!”
Finally, Twilight and Starlight bolted from the study in the direction of Spike’s room. What they saw once they opened the door sent shivers down Twilight’s spine. Meanwhile, Starlight unknowingly nibbled on the tips of her mane in sheer terror.
In bed, as still as a statue was Spike, staring at the pair of mares with heated intensity. Wrapped around him, cocooning him almost, was Queen Chrysalis; all four of her long legs enveloping him tightly. Her peacefully snoozing face pressed up against his with a thin line of drool.
“Do… something…” Spike mouthed soundlessly. “Now!”
Twilight took a step forward, before an odd mental image popped into her head.
A sushi roll.
One where Chrysalis formed the black seaweed wrap while Spike acted as the filling.
“What should we do?” Starlight asked Twilight from the doorway. “It doesn’t look like Spike’s in any immediate danger. I mean, I don’t think she’s trying to suffocate him. Do you?”
Clearly, that wasn’t the case here. No murder on the mind, it would seem.
So, just what was the case?
“Think this has anything to do with love extraction?” Starlight said, mirroring Twilight’s own thoughts. “Like, she’s trying to get as much love as possible out of a pony or dragon once they fall asleep?”
Twilight chewed on her tongue. “Could be. And it would make sense. Not like she’s getting all that much love annoying everyone in the castle. Having said that, though… do we try to remove her from Spike?”
“Might blow our whole cover,” Starlight interjected. “Then she’d been on to us. Weird Chrysalis is one thing, but angry Chrysalis? Been there. Had it. Wouldn’t order it again.”
As Twilight backed out from the room, she covered her mouth with a hoof. “Sorry, Spike! We’ll try and figure out a solution soon! So, just, sit tight and try to get some sleep, okay?”
Evidentially, that was not okay with Spike.
“What!?” he continued to mouth but not say—although Twilight always was rather good at reading lips. “You can’t just leave me here! I swear, when I grow up to be twelve feet tall and breathing fire, I’m gonna roast all of your pony butts so bad, you’ll be—”
Twilight closed Spike’s door before he could finish.
Her and Starlight exhaled in relief. Then got back to work.
***
Very little work, sadly.
Twilight only exited her study once over the next few days to hear a single status report from Starlight. As she read her report, Starlight had to blink wildly to stay awake. Twilight, meanwhile, went the more painful route and simply slapped herself across the cheek.
“No word from Thorax?” Starlight asked hopefully.
Twilight shook her head. “I assume he’s still a bit busy with his own changeling problems. Still, extra support could’ve helped.” She eyed Starlight’s clipboard. “What’s Chrysalis been up to lately?”
Starlight read, “This morning, Chrysalis managed to drag her butt down the entire length of the castle. Following this, she applied cooling gel to said dragged buttocks.”
Twilight waved it aside. “We can always wax the floors again.”
“Then she smashed a rather large, expensive vase upstairs.”
Twilight nodded, yawning. “I could always use a spell to fix that. Once I get a bit more sleep, that is.”
Starlight grimaced at the next item to report. “And it seems that Chrysalis somehow got inside your charts and graphs dungeon in the basement.”
Twilight suddenly sprang awake. “What? How? You mean she made it passed the multiple-choice quiz guard?”
“A piece of paper that reads ‘Please complete before continuing on’ isn’t much of a guard, Twilight. Chrysalis just walked right passed that piece of paper without even glancing back.”
Twilight exhaled in disgust. “Then she’s far more heartless than I thought. How many charts or graphs did she screw around with in there?”
“Just two. The one detailing the perfect dip to chip ratio and the one carefully explaining the difference between a chuckle and a guffaw.”
Twilight lowered her head and chuckled bitterly. “Took me years to figure out that equation.”
And as she did that, Chrysalis appeared behind her and guffawed, whispering into Twilight’s ear, “Princess Cadence is prettier than you… heck, even Shining Armor is prettier than you…”
Glancing upwards again, Twilight appeared far more tired than a moment ago. Didn’t stop her from forcing a fake smile, though. “You know what? I think I need a nap. Right this instant.”
Starlight held out a hoof. “But… but Twilight! We still need to—”
But Twilight was already halfway down the hallway. “Nope! Naptime! Now!”
Queen Chrysalis happily trailed behind her.
***
The following morning, Twilight entered the kitchen area looking rested. Around her neck was a sticky length of string. “Good morning, all!” she pleasantly greeted.
Trixie, Starlight, and Spike collectively glanced around her back.
“Where’s Chrysalis?” Trixie asked.
“Gone,” Twilight replied, fixing herself some coffee.
“Gone where?” Starlight asked.
“Who knows. All I know is that she’s gone.”
Spike raised both hands above his head. “Okay, Twilight, but how?”
Instead of answering, Twilight took the bit of string around her neck and set it on the table. The ‘Trixie Corp.’ tag clattered lightly.
“You ate all the kernels off the Invisibility Necklace?” Starlight asked.
Twilight turned. “Trixie did say the power of invisibility comes from the caramel coated kernels. And, to think, all I had to do was climb into bed, wait for Chrysalis to join me, then eat all the kernels off her necklace while she slept.” She faced Trixie for a second. “And you were right. Those kernels were super old and dry.”
Starlight blanched at the revelation. “And then Chrysalis just left? After all that? After figuring out she wasn’t invisible anymore?”
Twilight sat down with her coffee. “And after her and I had ourselves a solid twenty-minute pep talk. Because you know what? I’d totally rather take on a bi-monthly Chrysalis attack than a daily invisible Chrysalis attack. Anyone with me?”
The other three nodded collectively.
Twilight took a tasty sip of joe. “And it’s not like she’ll be coming after me first. Spike has the new number one spot on her list.”
At that, Spike coughed out some cereal. “She… she really said that? But why? What did I do to her?”
“You supposedly burp in your sleep. Like a lot.”
Author's Note
Witty author's note.
