Let's See What's So Bad About Those Podes, Shall We?
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Let's See What's So Bad About Those Podes, Shall We?
Alright, so here we are, at the start of another shitfic, and “Killing Me Softly” by The Fugees (which is a cover, by the way!) is stuck in my head. I am on a bus, the first of three I will be on tonight. I’m heading from Sunland-Tujunga to South LA, and I have no internet. But I have read two long reviews of an early-fandom classic, and it’s been a while since I wrote one of my dumb parodies. So buckle up, horsefuckers, it’s time for Antipodiatrists!
So, our two main characters to start things off are ~~Toe Tapper~~ Tiptoe and ~~Yet another shitty Saw sequel~~ Jigsaw. And these cats (they’re not actually cats; they’re ponies; that’s just an expression) are feeling hella cooped up underground. Not unlike the underground furry colony in Charles Barkley’s Shut Up and Jam. You think I’m joking, but I’m not, it’s the most amazing free indie RPG you’ll ever play and gives a positive portrayal of furries back in the mid 2000s back when the concept of furries was considered much more taboo. Now you really think I’m joking, but I’m not, and I’ll add a link to the game once I’m back where there’s internet. I’m on my second bus now, by the way. EDIT: I told you I'm not making this shit up!
Anyway, Tiptoe and Jigsaw are holed up underground in this civilization that’s been holed up underground for a hella long-ass time ‘cause the world got hella fucked up and shit’s wack. Jigsaw likes puzzles ‘n shit, and Tiptoe is sneaky. Remember Charlie the Unicorn? “Shhhneaky, Charlie! We gotta be shhhneaky!” I feel like the forth installment of that series kind of overstayed its welcome, but over all 1, 2, and 3 are classics.
Anyway--and if you’ve read a few of my stories before you’ve possibly noticed that I way overuse the word “anyway” because I constantly go on long-ass tangents—These two cats are water maintenance ponies or some shit cause they keep the water flowing (if I had internet right now I’d insert a quote from “Mad Max: Fury Road” about water being precious but I don’t so just imagine I did or look it up yourself) in this underground civilization of theirs. Things are going alright, but then this ~~dragon~~ wyrm motherfucker has the audacity to fuck shit up with their pipes, and there’s flooding and cave ins and bad pacing and shit, and these two have to hightail it the fuck out of there before they become fertilizer except they’re pretty far underground so above ground plants couldn’t even use their nutrients so on the whole that’d be pretty useless.
So Jigsaw and Tiptoe are like “Yo, we two stuck fuckers, only way out is this ghetto-ass door that says ‘keep out’. Oh also I should probably mention that Jimjam is a unicorn and Ticktock is a pegasus. Probably should have mentioned that earlier, but as I said, bad pacing. That’s my story and I'm sticking to it.
So, while waiting for the third and final bus, I went to a taco truck and got a pretty decent quesadilla (sorry, Twilight.) and then figured out the chords for the aforementioned "Killing Me Softly" on my ukulele. I'm now in my sketchy and bare bones but nonetheless private room in South LA, and I do believe I'll pick up the story in the morning of what happens when they see the sunshine. Speaking of serendipitous sunshine, a rapper on the bus I was talking had this:
playing on his mini-speaker, and while it's a pinch repetitive, it's pretty groovy. Said rapper's insta was @knobahdi, he was also a cool cat, so hit him with a follow! Also my instagram is @MightyBigIfs if you want to follow me, or ostensibly my band.
So ~~Banjo Kazooie~~ Jigsaw and ~~TikTok~~ Tiptoe are exploring and shit, and they find this big ass dragon who says he isn't spike but 
We know it's actually Spike and he's like Hey Hey Hey Stay Out of My Shed I mean cave and says some bullshit I don't remember and then sends them to this Russian pony dictatorship. It turns out that the bad guy who has some badguy name has been forcing farriers to instead of working with horse feet instead work with human feet, and thus be podiatrists. Because Celestia and Luna had no one to put shoes on their feet, one day while they were troting along they both stepped one really nasty pebbles that got into the frog of their feet and by feet I mean hooves and they hurt so fucking much that both of them screamed very loudly and shattered from the immense pain each into three different ~~Kirby 64 the Crystal Sharts~~ shards as if finding those shards would help move the plot along and give the impression that they were in fact in a JRPG or perhaps Present Perfect's Pathfinder game. So yeah they meet this really sexy lesbian firebender named 
Cyndi Lauper oh wait no she wrote Kinky Boots Cyndaquil oh wait no that's a pokemon. Let's try this again. Incendia there we go she's real hot like literally on fire and she feels really sad that Tiptoe through the Tulips and Jigsaw 3D are an item so she bitches out after rescuing their asses but don't worry she shows up later so yeah these two characters find a dirigible because dirigibles are in My Little Pony and it's sick as fuck and they go on a quest to find the pieces of Luna and Celestia and then a bunch of stuff happens including some cool action and some more rushed pacing and then they reunite the Alicorn sisters but it turns out Spike who was really the dragon all along has turned into a bad mamajamma and so Tiptoe heroically sacrifices herself as Mmm Watcha Say
plays in the background but then Incendia comes back and they have a three way to celebrate the fact that Celestia and Luna are band and have rid the world of Posadists sorry I meant Podiatrists.
Author's Note
Why is there Incendia foot fetish art? Probably the work of those pesky podiatrists.
