Doing it by Hand

by leeroy_gIBZ

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Horror, Starlight Glimmer, Violence, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Death, Lyra
Length: 3333

Due to circumstances beyond her control, Lyra Heartstrings can't visit the human world through the portal. However, nobody said anything about bring humanity to Equestria. One test subject at a time.

Lyra was overjoyed to discover that her favorite interest, humans, were actually real. However, ponies aren't just allowed to travel through the portal and go and visit them. So Lyra decided to make one out of the materials she had on hoof and save herself the trouble of breaking into the Castle of Friendship. If only the ponies she selected for such an honor were a bit more cooperative.

Published 2018-05-23 18:40:07 UTC
Last updated 2018-05-25 14:53:36 UTC

The Interview

Starlight Glimmer put down her tub of ice cream and groaned when she heard the knock on her door. She was beginning to regret this counseling job. It wasn’t that she didn’t like helping ponies but did they have to chose such weird times to ask for said help. Between that, the map and Trixie, she had had precious few moments of rest recently. And it seemed like her latest one had just been cruelly interrupted.

The door to her office opened to reveal a mint-green unicorn with a silver mane – Lyra Heartstrings. Said unicorn was also carrying a rather large and battered book in her mouth. Before Starlight could protest – this was technically her break, after all – Lyra jumped into the office’s couch; sitting as she usually did with her legs hanging over the edge.

“So… Lyra? What brings you here?” Starlight asked, trying as hard as she could not to look too disappointed. This pony might have a genuine problem, after all.

Lyra spat out the book, looked Starlight straight in the eyes and replied, “You’ve been to the human world, right?”

“Yeah? But you know, Twilight’s been there way more times than I have so you should probably talk to her about it. I mean, I only came over for a visit. She saved the world.”

Lyra shrugged. “Well, she’s been really busy lately and I wouldn’t want to bother the Princess of Friendship over something as trivial as a project.”

Starlight sighed but tried her best to hide it. "Alright. What do you need to know then?"

Lyra frowned. "Well, it's not exactly what I need to know but who I need to know." Lyra then flicked through her book again; eventually she settled on a foldout page of what appeared to be a stylized drawing of a monkey.

"Sure... problem is that I don't really know that many ponies. I mean, I lived in a desert cult for the last decade so-"

"Would you say that humans are warm or cold blooded?" Lyra interrupted.

"I... uh... I guess cold blooded? Well, I wore this hat the whole time I was there to keep my hear warm so I guess they would be cold blooded?" Starlight answered. "But really, this is not my area of expertise. You know, I did invite Sunset over for next month. Maybe you could talk to her then?"

"Excellent! Now, what would you say is their average internal body temperature?"

Starlight shrugged and banished all thoughts of a relaxing afternoon from her mind. Ponyville's resident weirdo - well, the weirdest they had, anyway - seemed to be here to stay. "I really don't know, Lyra."

"Ponyfeathers!" Swore Lyra. "I had this all planned out until here but no, you just don't know, do you?" Lyra's book then made a fairly loud collision with one of Starlight's pictures. Glass and paper went everywhere and the signed Indigo Clam Religion poster was ruined forever.

Starlight recoiled. "Lyra, are... are you alright?"

Lyra paused. She took a few seconds to compose herself before answering, "I'm fine, Starlight. Just amazing. How about you?"

"... Lyra, I think you might need to lie down." Starlight replied, growing increasingly uneasy at the mint green pony's antics. She briefly considered calling somepony else for help but this was her job and it wasn't like Lyra Heartstrings could actually hurt her or anything; Starlight doubted that the manic musician even had enough magic to cast a sleep spell, let alone anything dangerous.

"Now, Starlight. We're both responsible adults here." Lyra attempted to assure. "Let's just talk this out then. No need to go and call for help. After all, it isn't like I am going to kidnap you for horrific surgical experiments or anything."

The expression on Starlight's face shifted from nervous confusion to mildly terrified confusion. "Wait here, Lyra. I'll... uh... I'll get you some water."

Lyra complied and sat back down on the couch. She levitated back her book and begin to stare intensely at a blank page. "You know, Starlight, maybe I will go back to school."

“Aren’t you a little old for school, Lyra?” Starlight asked as she made her way out the door.

"Of course not, you can never ever be to old to learn something new. Especially if you find it out yourself. Like, did you know that if you dye your coat purple and be her best friend, that odd unicorn in the sweater from Canterlot will do basically anything you want?"

Starlight did not know that. And the way Lyra said "best friend" brought images to her mind that she did not want there. Images of Twilight doing certain things to her old friend, Moondancer. The kind of things she and Trixie did after the rest of Ponyville had gone to sleep. Like do crosswords together. Or fuck. Either one. But never at the same time. That would be weird.

"Like, take for example if you will, this sleep spell." Said Lyra, grabbing Starlight by the tail.

Yelping, Starlight turned around and came face to face with a pageful of runes. She barely had time to prepare a counterspell at all. Luckily she did and the runes shimmered harmlessly before dissipating in a puff of smoke.

"Dammit, wrong page. That wasn't a sleep spell. That was a sheep spell. And also, you broke it! You definitely won't be coming to my birthday party now." Said Lyra despondently, flicking through the book with her magic. Starlight was too busy trying to figure out what a sheep spell did or even if she had ever been to Lyra's party before. She got as far as reckoning she had due to Pinkie Pie but she couldn't place the date. She never would because at that moment, Lyra shoved a different page of runes into Starlight's face. Starlight collapsed onto the floor, snoring gently.

As the pair of unicorns disappeared; thanks to another of Moondancer's enchantments, Lyra thought it appropriated to finally quell the pink unicorn’s fears, “Silly pony. Of course I wasn't going kidnap you for horrific surgical experiments. My surgical experiments are perfectly humane. Ha, human."

Starlight awoke to the smell of cupcakes. No, this was different. Too sugary and with more than a generous hint of incompetence. Or rosewater. The two tended to be inseparable. No, this was the smell of turkish delight. And said confection meant only one thing: Bon-Bon.

The not-particularly secret agent was nowhere to be seen, however. That was probably due to the fact that it was dark. And surprisingly cold. After struggling against something that felt suspiciously like a tightly tied length of rope, Starlight attempted to remedy the aforementioned issues. Her horn sparked uselessly in response and then sent a bolt of pain into it’s owners skull.

“Ouch!” Starlight cried.

“Ah, you’re awake. We can begin then.” Said Lyra as a set of fluorescent lights flickered on overhead.

Starlight gasped. The room looked like a cross between Rarity’s workshop and one of those butcheries from the human world. Bodies in various stages of decay and mutilation were strewn about upon seemingly every unoccupied surface, the floor included. The other surfaces were occupied with a variety of surgical instruments, musical instruments, bloodstained notebook papers, clean notebook papers, jars of chemicals, jars of pickled flesh and cups of tea. Hanging from the ceiling by rusty hooks like stalactites from a cave were more pieces of gore, some clumsily wrapped around mannequins or sewn together to make alien-looking creatures. The carnage seemed to coalesce around Lyra herself; she was seated on a tire swing hanging above a veritable sea of organs.

As Starlight begin to shiver, shake and hyperventilate, Lyra hopped out of her swing and landed on the floor with a small splash. “Please” she said, gesturing with a severed limb to the scene that surrounded her, “Excuse the mess.”

The pink unicorn looked on incredulously. “What?”

Lyra reiterated, wading over to one of the tables as she did. “Well, it is sort of mess. I know I should have cleaned up before inviting a guest over but I work better this way.”

Starlight shivered. Not just at the cold of the room but at the nonchalance of her captor. Here she was, excusing a veritable massacre as if it was a messy bed? And she had spent enough night’s in Trixie’s caravan to know a mess when she saw one. This was not it.

“Anyway, can you hang in there for second, I’m almost ready.” Lyra continued. She then began to sort through the table’s clutter before picking out a reasonably clean scalpel. At least, it was clean compared to the rest of the room. She twirled the scalpel around a few times before putting it back down again and levitating up a bottle of what was either rubbing alcohol or cheap vodka. Either way, Lyra took a hearty swig from it after wiping the bottle’s neck with a grimy towel. Unbeknownst to Starlight, the act had the opposite of the intended effect; the alcohol annihilated a nest of parasprite eggs that had been happily growing on the towel and the resulting mess left the bottle dirtier than before.

“What… what are you going to do with me?” Mumbled Starlight, now hoping that the answer was “fly kites” not “torture you to death and grind your remains into pastry”.

To her surprise, Lyra laughed. It began as a small chuckle that gradually developed into a belly laugh more suited to one of Maud’s standup acts than a worried question from a pony currently strapped to a dentist’s chair. Eventually, Lyra recovered and answered Starlight’s question, “The look. The look on your face. It’s like I told that you’re going to be liquefied into rainbows or something. Don’t be ridiculous.”

Starlight breathed a very slight sigh of relief.

“Everypony knows that that only works on pegasi. If you try it on a unicorn, you get… well” Lyra pointed with her scalpel at a reddish-brown stain on one of the walls, “You get that. No, I’m just going to interview you.”

“On?”

Lyra picked back up her book, flicked over to a clean(ish) page and then replied, “Well, on the human world, of course. I want to know everything! We didn't finish, remember? Tell me about anatomy and culture and what they look like and what they eat and which way their bones bend and what they do in their spare time and how do you make one out of the stuff I have here?”

If it were possible to do so, Starlight would have sucked that sigh back into her lungs and released it as a scream. It wasn’t, so she just screamed normally.

Author's Note

I have edited this chapter due to it not exactly meeting my standards after a review.

Marking the Work

"And that would be the anesthetic wearing off!" Lyra happily confirmed.

Starlight continued to scream for a while. The pain was incredible. It was like somepony hammered a bayonet directly into her skull and then had salted the wound with acid. Stars began to fill her vision as the room swam before her in all of its visceral glory. If it wasn't for the worn leather straps holding her down, she would have likely collapsed to the floor in a gibbering heap after the pain grew to bad. However, there were leather straps holding her back so she simply began to twitch after her voice gave out.

"Now, on with our interview." Lyra continued, levitating the book into Starlight's drooling face. "Would you say that this one looks more anatomically correct than this one. And if so, why?"

Both pictures looked identical to Starlight. Both were clumsy cartoons of human beings as far as she could tell; being partially blinded from pain made making an accurate judgement somewhat difficult. So in response, she just nodded gently towards the one on the right.

Lyra cheered. "Excellent! I knew I got right." With that, she skipped out of the room, leaving a splash of blood every time she did.

Sleep quickly took Starlight into a fitful nightmare. However, said nightmare was only the recurring one where she was stuck with Discord and Princess Luna in that timeline where the world was destroyed so it wasn't that bad. Yes, Starlight did dread their monthly game of three-way chess more than Derpy dreaded a muffin shortage but at least she wasn't in blinding agony in this. Just boring agony, as was to be expected.

The three of them sat uncomfortably around a large, uneven stump of rock with a chessboard precariously balanced on top of it. Starlight briefly contemplated surrendering but then she would wake up so that idea was right out.

"So how was everyone's week?" The dream-version of Discord asked after eating Luna's queen.

"It was pleasant enough, Discord. My attempts to cook breakfast have been mostly successful. I also invested in some incense so that the palace's flowers need less constant replacement." Answered Luna. The alicorn then levitated a pair of pawns off the board. One protested and struggled valiantly against the spell but, considering that it was about two inches tall and carved from a petit four, the struggle was in vain and it soon met its end by being dunked in Luna's cup of coffee.

"Ah, wonderful. How about you, Starlight?" Inquired Discord.

"Bad. Let's just leave it at that." Starlight answered. She then wrote down her move (A Smy - Syr) and added it to the collection.

"Oh, why is that, my little pony? That spells "inferiority" for twenty-two points, by the way." Luna said as she placed a few tiles on the board.

"Well, it's just that I haven't really had a break, you know? Either I've been working or I've been helping Trixie with her show. Now, don't get me wrong, I like doing both but sometimes it can be a bit..."

"Tiring?" The other players asked simultaneously.

"Exactly. Tiring. And then Lyra Heartstrings kidnapped me and I think she wants to turn me into a human with a combination of surgery and magic."

"You seem awfully nonchalant about that, Starlight." Stated the draconequus after he had finished dealing out flaming playing cards to everyone.

"Is that so, Starlight?" Luna asked with a heavy tone of skepticism.

"Probably? It's a little hard to remember stuff in dreams."

"Where are you then, Starlight?"

"Uhh. I could smell rosewater so I guess-"

"I'm back, baby!" Yelled Lyra, causing Starlight to snap out of her slumber. Or maybe that was the hearty slap to her muzzle with a severed leg that did it. Either was, Starlight was awake and not overly happy about it.

The room was exactly the same as it was before Starlight fell unconscious - filthy and covered with enough blood to make a vampire sick. That wasn't because vampires had a particular fondness for blood - Applejack was very insistent that "those damned bugs ate my prized apples" - it was rather that the creatures were simply supernatural strong and therefor had stronger constitutions than other ponies. However, Starlight was not a vampire - she was a pony and a fairly drugged up one at that - so what remained of her lunch kindly deposited itself on the floor.

"Eww, Starlight! Seriously, that's just gross." Lyra complained. Starlight's captor shut the door behind her as she walked in, tossing a large burlap sack to one side. Starlight, still barely coherent by this point, thought she that the sack give out a muffled scream. If it did, Lyra payed no notice to it and went back to fiddling with her scalpel.

"Now, Starlight. Starlight. Equestria to Glimmer. Come in Glimmer." Lyra said, waving her knife in front of Starlight's bloodless face.

"Huh?"

"Good. You're not dead. I think that we might have just a little problem here. That being, you aren't exactly fit to answer questions right now."

Starlight nodded. That proved to be a mistake and Pain soon returned to her skull. This time, Anguish came too; the pair were on a honeymoon and, in typical emotive fashion, they planned to trash their hotel room. Starlight winced as the duo began their rampage through her head. Chairs were broken, windows were smashed, sheets were torn and minibars were raided. By the time both of them grew tired, tears were trickling down Starlight's face - thanks in part to Dull Throb, who could never resist a party.

"Well, I have just the thing for that. Open wide!" Yelled Lyra as she jammed something into Starlight's mouth.

That something turned out to be a cupcake and an enchanted one at that. Within seconds, the former villain was perfectly awake, pain and anguish were evicted and Pinkie Pie felt a great disturbance in the force.

"What? Where am I?" Starlight exclaimed, looking around frantically.

Sighing, Lyra replied, "You're in my secret laboratory. We've been over this. Now, hold still, will you? That cutie mark of yours isn't going to remove itself."

Starlight did not hold still. She wriggled and struggled and kicked and bit and none of it made any difference. Wrapped in a golden glow, the rusty blade slid ever closer to Starlight's skin. It did so lazily, like an alligator drifting towards its prey. And then, like an alligator, it bit her.

The pain was immense as the wicked edge slashed passed her fur and buried itself in her flank. She screamed repeatedly. It felt as if her whole right side was on fire. Pain and Anguish returned for the afterparty of the century. Skin was broken, blood was spilled, pleas were made and screams grew louder.

"Wow. It's like I'm torturing you or something you're screaming so loud. Really, it's not that big of a deal. Didn't you used to do this all the time?" Lyra said as her knife carved its way through Starlight's leg.

Starlight briefly considered correcting Lyra. Then again, Lyra wasn't exactly wrong either. It hurt twofold; the metal's brutality was bad enough but the emotional tramau was far, far worse. As Lyra worked - she had a habit of attempting to hum along to Starlight's screams, whimpers and moans - she felt an intergral part of her being slip away. It was as if everything that made her "Starlight Glimmer" was slowly being sliced away. Memory, dreams, aspirations, goals, personality; they all fell away - just wet pieces of flesh dropping onto the already-filthy floor.

When Lyra was done, there wasn't much left to Starlight. Well, the pony was almost entirely intact - save for two roughly-circular gashes on her flanks - but her eyes had a dull glaze to them and her coat lost its shine. Her mane lost its curl and flopped lazily on each side of the jagged stump of her horn. Her screaming had long since subsided; it was replaced now with shallow breaths and exhausted panting. Tears flowed down her face as Lyra finished her song.

"And that's that. Now you're one step closer to becoming a human. Isn't that just great? I mean, you're not confined by any one special talent anymore. The world's your oyster. Never mind that ponies are deathly allergic to shellfish but then again, you won't be a pony for much longer." Lyra exclaimed, tossing the now-bloody scalpel to one side. It landed with a clatter on a tray of similar implements. The formerly lime green unicorn - she was now almost completely covered in blood - skipped happily over to her bag.

"Why?" Starlight mumbled, "Why are... are you d-d-doing this?"

Lyra stopped trying to extricate the bag's contents. The bag - now being dangled upside down over a reasonably clean patch of floor - crumpled to the ground with a splash and a yelp. The unicorn turned back around to face Starlight's chair. Then she said, with a light chuckle, "Shits and giggles mostly."