How To Romance Your Dragon

by Jaycren

Rating: teen
Tags: Garble, Gore, Violence, Slice of Life, Alternate Universe, Narcotics, Anthro, Romance, Apple Bloom, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Fetish, Spike, Comedy, Non-consensual
Length: 3466

Alternate title: The Ritual and Courtship of Proper Non-Friend-Zoned Dragons.

Garble is in town, his crew around him. So how much of a threat can a teen filly with a crush pose. Turns out, when she's the sister of Dis, a whole f##king lot.

Published 2018-06-11 16:40:06 UTC
Last updated 2018-06-13 19:23:04 UTC

Alternative Title: How a Real Dragon Gets Laid.

Garble glowered across the table, his minions cringing. Snarling he glanced around, this was the only restaurant in Ponyville that served actual dragonfood, not that crap Spike prefered. It was no wonder the purple pipsqueak was such a pussy, the Ponies had made sure he was malnourished. The waitress threw the food on the table, then stomped off. Garble growled at the offending mare, but the smell of food, brought his attention back to the table. Emeralds, layered in Beef gravy, with mashed potatoes and a hunk of raw steak. His mouth drooled, in this moment he'd forgive anything for what was in front of him. Grabbing the fork and knife, he was a dragon, not a beast, he began to descend on the luscious morsels before him.

"Wow you're Hot!" a bluish white mare, with wings sparkling dull silver sat next to the Red Dragon.

Turning to Clump, she grabbed the much larger dragon's meal, saying, "Do you mind? I haven't eaten all day and this smells absolutely yummy." Turning back to Garble, she began to eat quickly, devouring the chicken and diamond dust stew.

Garble smiled as Clump made a grab for his meal and was not surprised when one of the mare's wings grabbed the fatso by the back of the head, slamming Clump into the heavy wooden table. As Clump recovered the Pegasai spun and drove her fork deep into his eye. Clump thudded as he hit the ground. The mare glanced down to the bleeding dragon.

"Stay down, leave the fork in, when I leave, you can take it out."

A grunting, "Yes ma'am" was heard from the floor.

"Good Boy." Turning back to Garble, she stole Fume's fork, and resumed eating.

Garble snorted, then turned to his compatriots. "Let that be a lesson to you guys, never come between a female and food. It is never good for the health."

"Aww, I knew you where smarter then you looked." The mare said. "It's why you're my new Special Somedragon."

Garble blinked, did this pony just.... "What was that?"

Crackle and Fume immediately shot their chairs away from that table, Garble set whole towns on fire when he used that tone.

Pausing in her meal, the mare leaned forward, showing teeth of matte grey, her Red eyes daring Garble to disagree, she reiterated. Speaking slowly, as if to a hatchling she said. "Did I mutter? You are my new Special SomeDragon. I own you now."

Garble rose, squareing off against this PONY that thought she could own a DRAGON, "Yours! I don't know who you think you are, bu if you believe a weak, little PONY could ever own m......." A movement, and the sound of scraping metal quickly cooled Garble's temper.

Forced to look upward, by a pressure at his throat, he could feel the soft fur of the mare rubbing against his scales. He sniffed the air.

"My name is Aurora Moon." Came the low husky voice of the mare. "And I won't take no for an answer."

Again Garble sniffed the air. A certain metallic tang entered his nostrils. Along with various other smells. Garble stayed silent another moment, putting several things together he asked.

"Are those by any chance Mythril Tanged, Adamantine Edged, folding straight razors, with Pearl handles and......" Garble took another sniff, "ivory inlay."

Again Aurora's husky voice filled his world. "They are handsome, I had no idea you where so gifted, my what a wondrous surprise. Have any other questions? I do like to be straightforward with my intentions, it saves such confusion later."

"Just a couple more, is one of the razors pressed against my throat, while the other is.... well......" here Garble's words faded to a mumble, he felt, rather then saw Aurora's cheshire smile.

"In a lower place that shows an absoulutely shocking knowledge of dragon anatomy and physiology?" She finished, "Why, yes, both my razors are indeed in those exact locations, my sweetmeat." Garble felt a slight pressure against his crouch and then a delighted purr. "Gifted indeed, I can't wait til these are ready to come out and play."

For the first time ever Garble blushed, his skin turning completely scarlet, "and if I tell you that I'm uninterested in being yours, those intentions are?"

"Well, then you go from being my sweatmeat to merely longpig and I have meat for my larder."

"Ah, and if I say yes, then run for the horizon, you'll......?"

"I'll retrieve you, then have meat for my larder."

"Huh, so, every answer is you get to eat me, it's just there's only one option that allows for my enjoyment."

"Indeed, I do so want to taste you. I can't help myself, you just look so yummy."

Garble the gave Aurora her answer, grabbing her in his claws he pulled her tight, leaning in to her, his mouth met hers. The lower razor clattered to the floor as her hand placed itself against his chest, her sharp fingernails scratching at his chest. Garble felt the razor at his throat slip past his scales, as his blood pooled on the blade and began to drip unto Aurora.

Pulling away, he smiled. "I may be yours, but You are know mine." he growled, sending shivers through the pale Mare.

Seeing her beloved's blood Aurora smiled back, "Why Darling, you appear to have gotten yourself a boo boo, let me kiss it and make it all better."

Aurora's other blade fell to the floor, as she grasped unto Garble, yanking his head back to gain access to the wound. Pressing her lips to his throat, she lapped at the blood, eliciting a hum from her Dragon boy toy as she cleaned the wound, allowing his healing to begin to take effect.

Releasing him as she felt his scales reseal, she gave a hum herself, "You are indeed Yummy."

A male voice echoed through the now silent pub. "Aurora! Drop your new toy and c'mon we need to get to work!"

Garble's eyes narrowed and a growl rose in his throat, Aurora silenced him, "Oh, stop, that's my brother Dis. Apparently, yesterday morning he had to put down an Adult dragon and he has been in a sour mood ever since." She smiled up at her paramour. "Although it is nice to now that you'll defend me."

"You're mine, I keep that which is mine."

"Good answer, but I have to go to work, the Manticores won't thin themselves out, after all. But don't worry, I'll make sure that I talk to Dis about you."

Again her Brother called out. "Aurora! Let's GO!!!!!"

She gave Garble one last smile, then was gone from his arms, all that was left was her smell in his nostrils and her taste on his lips. Smiling he touched his throat, she had marked him. This was going to be fun.

Sniffling was heard from Fume. "Romance is so beautiful"

An agreement from the floor echoed forth, "Yeah, you're so lucky boss."

Crackle lunged forward and hugged Garble, "That was the most beautiful moment of True Love that I've ever seen!" He cried into Garble's shoulder. The Red Dragon chuckled as he patted Crackle on the back.

"Guys, its to be expected that such a thing should happen to me, after all, I'm great."

A chorus of "Lucky!" was heard from the other Dragons.

"Ok, uh, what the actual fuck?" came a voice to the side.

Garble's eyes narrowed to look upon the newcomer.

"What do you want, Pipsqueak?"

Spike grimaced for a moment, then held up his hand. "I promise not to be antagonistic, if you promise to be polite. I will not ask you to be nice, only polite. Whatever else our problems are, I think we can do that, fair enough."

Garble disengaged from Crackle and thought a moment, then snorted, an amused look upon his face. "Alright, but this doesn't mean that we're friends or anything."

"Perish the thought, I hate you."

Garble laughed, "I hate you too. But seriously, what'ya wanna to know?"

Spike pointed to the newly scarring wound upon the bigger dragon's neck. "Romance? Really?"

Gargle looked at Spike Quizically. "Yeah it hit all the major points of proper dragon courtship. One dragon becomes interested in another, then makes it clear that they will not be taking no for an answer, nor is there any escape. Afterwards they both are a mated pair, bound until one can escape the other or one kills the other. Never thought it'd happen to me. Such a beautiful thing. Such a perfect mare."

Spike looked worryingly at Garble. "I feel I have to inform you as a fellow guy that Aurora Moon is completely and utterly batshit insane."

Garble looked at spike, confusion in his eyes. "Why is that a bad thing? Makes for an interesting realtionship."

Spuike sighed, then tried again. "Garble, her last two Special SomePonies may have been a unreformed changeling and an Umbrum that had somehow gotten freed."

"May have Been?"

"Everyone met them once, then they disappeared. Everyone thinks she ate them, since after each disappearance she told us not to worry and that they'd always be with her. Really dude, the mare eats dragonfood, minerals and all. She has Iron teeth and finger nails, hunts manticores and Hydras as a subcontractor for her brother Dis, and kills Timberwolves to provide her kindling."

"Really, wow she just got a whole lot hotter. Why does she use Timberwolves as kindling, that seems like a whole lot of work for not a lot of payoff."

Spike's eyes got a Haunted look. "She claims that the wood retains sentience, so feels pain as it burns, which infuses the meat that she cooks over it, making it taste better. The wood screams, Garble, and if you look into the smoke you can see faces. Strange faces that bear resemblance to no species on this planet. Afterwards you get the sensation that something has gone out of the world, never to return, something both horrible and beautiful in it's brutality." Spike once more looked Garble in the eye. "She also heats her house with it, the low moaning that's produce from the low temperature burn echoes through her house. She claims it lulls her to sleep."

"Well Does it?"

"Does it what?

"Does it make the meat taste better and Lull her to sleep?"

"Yes, on both accounts."

"Huh, you sure know a lot about Aurora, how is that?"\

"She's a friend."

"Oh?"

"Only because I can't run fast enough or far enough."

"Ah, that makes sense. Well thanks for this conversation. I really like that my new mate even scares an Alpha dragon like you. Makes my dicks hard."

Spike's face dropped it's haunted look as his brain caught up with what Garble said. "Wait, Alpha Dragon? Garble, what the Fuck are you talking about now?"

"What do ya mean? You're an Alpha. You run this town. You've overcome every damn thing I've thrown at you. Got made the Dragon lord, then gave it to Ember when you realizied it would cut into your being a boss. And have six mares that follow you around, attending to you. Sounds like an Alpha to me. I mean the main reason I always gave you a hard time was so that you wouldn't take what's mine."

Spike's eye started to twitch, he smiled, more teeth then smile. "Do you mean to tell me that the whole reason you have been an absolute jerk is because you tought I was a threat? Me? A threat? To You?"

Garble looked baffled. Despite not being friends, the look on Spike's face was concerning. "Uh, yeah, Dude, Did I get that Wrong?"

Spike started to laugh, then cackle. Falling to the floor, he pounded it with his fist, laughing till tears streamed down his face. Calming himself, he stood, got back in his chair and looked garble square in the eye.

"Garble, Do I have a story for you."

Garble and Spike understand each other better

Gable watched curiously as Spike calmed himself. Rising to his feet Spike glanced down at Clump and asked. ”Hey, you okay? Aurora did say you could take that out when she left.”

”Pretty Mare put fork here, I want it here a bit longer.”

Spike shrugged. ”I’m going to use your chair then.”

”No problem, this floor is cozy.”

Pulling up to the table he addressed Garble. ”Alright, this will be a lot easier if you ask questions and I answer them, fair?”

”Okay Pipsqueak, let's start with you running things here, how’d I get that wrong?”

"It is true, Garble, that I do perform a ton of services around here. But only at the behest of others. I am, in fact Twilight's assistant, I have very little power of my own.”

”Huh. What about the dorky purple Unicorn? Certainly, she’s part of your clutch, right?”

Blanching Spike explained, ”Twilight hatched me and raised me, so kinda my mom/big sister. So that is a big old hell no.”

Gable blanched back, looking faintly green. ”Sorry dude didn't know. What about that purple haired Drama Queen? You follow her around, she has to be letting you get some, considering how hard you work for her.”

Spike grimaced, ”Yeah, been friend zoned there so hard my blue balls have frostbite, I’m her dearest friend or her little brother. Hell, I’ve helped her get dates and cleaned up the mess afterward. Guess again.”

Garble considered his next question, ”What about the one in the cowboy hat? She always seems pretty affectionate towards you.” Garble winked to the smaller dragon. ”Gotta be something there, right?”

Spike chuckled, ”Same answer as the second, except I was actually adopted by her and her family so yeah, little brother friendzoned again as usual."

"What about the quiet, pink and yellow one, it's always the quiet ones right?"

"Discord the Lord of Chaos and Her have simultaneously called Dibs on each other, WHILE AT THE SAME TIME, friendzoning one another."

Garble's eyes turned to pinpricks, "Yeah, under no circumstance would you want to get involved in that."

"Garble let me kinda cut this a little short, after all the last two answers are the same. Rainbow and Pinkie want each other, with Pinkie waiting for Rainbow to make a move. Both Mares also have two stallions they want, but are holding back till the tension between them is resolved. Neither one minds sharing the other. The six mares I hang out with have friendzoned me so hard, they actually interfere with anymare I might be interested in, to, and I quote, 'Try And Look After Their Little Brother.' I appreciate it, but, damn, no female will approach because their always asking for my help or mares get scared off by them being over protective."

"Spike, that is awful, at least tell me you get in some manuel relief time."

Spike started Laughing again. "Everytime I do, one of them walks in on me. It never fails. Doesn't matter where I am, or what I'm doing."

"Huh, you must be one frustrated little dude, hell you're even eye level with all that pussy. With your dragon senses I imagine heat season drives you nuts."

"How'd you think I became friends with Aurora? She takes me hunting with her, the brutal violence and killing take the edge off. Then I can return and be a hell of a lot more sane."

"How about we widden the female circle a bit. Your Mom's student or that Blue mare that talks in the third person."

"Starlight and Trixie? Starlight moons for her first love Sunburst, and Trixie has been banging Pharynx almost since he's been reformed, when she isn't banging Starlight!!!!!"

"Really? How about, Ember? You and her seemed to have a thing, Dragon Consort to the Queen isn't bad!"

"Yeah, no, somepony, or I should say Someling already fills that position."

"No way, He's your.."

"Best Bro. Yep, I accidental set up Ember and Thorax. The two of them think that no one knows, but Thorax is a screamer. I hear them whenever they both visit."

"DUDE! Not Cool! Well you have that giant crystal castle, that must be nice."

"That I don't own. Can't Eat, and have to clean, constantly."

"Well what about Smolder? She's your age. Congrats on the wings by the way, they look nice."

"Taken by Gaius, her griffon friend. Those two have been an Item almost since they met. Thanks by the way."

Garble, leaned back in his chair. Looking at the smaller male dragon, he couldn't help but feel sympathetic. This little dude was surrounded constantly by some gorgeous females, AND COULD DO NOTHING ABOUT IT!

"Well are there any members of the female variety that do cast looks your way? You have that adorable/cuddly thing going for you. You could play that up."

"How would I even know with how MY FRIENDS encircle me."

"Dragon Senses, Bro."

"Say to the what, know?"

Garble squinted his eyes at the runt, then asked, "How do you not know this?"

Frustrated Spike snarked back to Garble, "Gee, Garble, maybe I should rely on my amazing amount of knowledge of dragons, or my upbringing among dragons. Oh, Yeah. I can't because I WAS RAISED BY PONIES!"

Dawning realization struck the scarlet dragon, "As one guy to another, I feel I have to pass on this bit of knowledge. Us dragons can smell when a female is interested."

"How does that work?"

Garble shook his head, "How would I know? I'm not a NERD! All I know is that it works." Garble smiled again, "When the mares around here go into heat what do they smell like? All Male Dragons smell it differently. For me it's Rubies encrusted with salted caramel."

Spike snorted, "Dark Chocolate coated Emeralds, with caramel glaze and sprinkled with powdered sugar."

Garble and the three other dragons paused to drool as what Spike described lodged in their memory.

Wiping the drool from his mouth, Garble continued. "Well, you can tell when a mare is interested in you when that smell gets stronger when you're around her. It's best to confirm two other times before making your move, you might be picking up her interest in another that happens to be near you. During Heat Season this is even worse, why do you think I'm not in the Dragon Lands. I had no interest in getting snagged, or, even worse, finding no one interested. Especially since when you had me hug every dragon on the way back to my lair, some of the MALE dragons showed interest. Which, don't get me wrong, is flattering, just also frustrating because I have no interests that way and therefore it's a waste of everydragons time, resources and energy."

Spike thought, had there been any mares that fit that criteria. Maybe, particularly..... "Oh, crap!"

Garble smiled. "Figured out some prospects, huh?"

"Yeah, just not sure about it."

"Not sure about what?" A female voice said behind him.

Spike spun and saw three young mares looking up at him. The CMC, Applebloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo. Spike's nostrils dilated madly as he sought to deny his realization. Garble chuckled as he confirmed Spikes hypothesis. All Three young mares where hot for Spike.

"HA! You are an Alpha! I knew it!" Garble exclaimed.

"Spike, I thought you hated Garble." Sweetie inquired.

Spike stammered out a reply, "I do, but Aurora just claimed him, so I was giving him the warning."

Scootaloo snorted. "Heh, thought I recognized the carnage."

Apple Bloom smiled up at Spike, "Hey Spike, we're running errands, we could use the help."

Shaking his head, he looked at all three young mares. Mares his own age. Mares none of their sisters would mind him pursuing. Mares that recently dropped their Special Someponies because the boys couldn't keep up. Breathing deep of the smell again, Spike made his choice.

"Sure, Be glad to help." Turning back to Garble he winked. "See you around Garble, at least if Aurora doesn't decide to make you a permanent part of herself. And Thanks, for what it's worth this talk has been helpful."

Garble snorted, "Don't go getting mushy on me Pipsqueak, I absolutely hate you."

Spike smiled. "Aww, I absolutely hate you too!" Walking off with the CMC, he chuckled. Things might be finally looking up.

Garble smiled, then frowning he glanced at the floor. Rising, he stepped over to Clump, grabbing the fork, he yanked, dislodging it, allowing Clump's Dragon Healing to kick in.

"Clump, Aurora is MINE, stop being creepy about her."

"Sorry, boss."

Garble sat down, going back to his meal, he decided that, perhaps, not all ponies where bad.