Home Again, Home Again, Jiggety--WHAT THE F...!
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Home Again, Home Again, Jiggety--WHAT THE F...!
When one works in an office environment and is also in charge of several major departments in that office, one can naturally assume work will pile up should one decide to take an impromptu week long tropical vacation. Sunset Shimmer expected this following her recent sojourn to the sandy beaches and competitively priced fruity alcoholic drinks of Fiji. Sunset had started drinking the second she had gotten to the Canterlot Airport and hadn’t stopped until she was back on the plane home. Her alcohol tolerance had been upped considerably during her stay, as the contingent of sailors from the USS Intrepid (who had made the mistake of trying to out-drink, out-arm wrestle, and ultimately, outfight her) could attest.
She was also prepared for any number of things she normally classified as “unbe-fucking-lievably stupid” to have happened in her absence, up to and including the entire corporate headquarters of Beanis, Inc. having burned down in a ludicrous and inexplicable bean-related accident. This was the peril of working for a borderline mad scientist with an insatiable quest to dominate the organic legume-based sex toy industry. Sunset Shimmer thought she was prepared for anything.
She was prepared for the string of voice mails, each more moronic than the last. She was prepared for the latest in Rainbow Dash’s list of unreasonable demands to keep modeling for Beanis, Inc. (Although, Rainbow would have to be told at some point that even with her natural stamina, being part of a “Fluttershy/Chrysalis sandwich forever” would be impractical. Fluttershy still had a job to do in customer service, after all, and the poor girl had to sleep sometime.) She was prepared for the crowd of worshippers who congregated daily in the parking lot ever since Twilight had the building rezoned as a shrine to The Couch to have either grown or vanished during her absence. (They had apparently opted for the middle ground, now clogging the sidewalk, which was technically public property.)
She was even prepared for the stack of invoices in her inbox all pointing at some new horrifying abomination unto Nature being currently performed in R&B. In fact, said invoices were currently in her hand as she stormed down the hallway leading to the research department, and she was planning to have serious words with Wallflower Blush about the expenditures in question. Sunset Shimmer thought she was prepared for anything on the other side of those doors.
She wasn’t.
“What in sweet merciful FUCK is going on?!” Sunset yelled, staring unbelieving at what she saw. Twilight Sparkle, apparently clad only in a lab coat, was holding a clipboard and making notes as she watched a naked Wallflower Blush, a Beanis attached to her pelvis, driving said Beanis repeatedly into the ass of their newest employee, Tempest Shadow.
Tempest herself, also naked, was bent over a stainless steel table, moaning as her backdoor was relentlessly violated. Her face was an odd mix of ecstacy and exhaustion and heavily flushed. Sunset frowned at the set of manacles that had been welded to the table, locking Tempest in place. Well, that explained the purchase from “Big Jim Slade’s 24-hour DIY Dungeon Emporium.”
“Oh, Sunset!” Twilight said, cheerfully. “You’re back! Just a sec. We’re just about done with this test, then I want to hear all about Fiji! Wait… do you have a black eye?”
“Forget my eye, Twilight. I just wanted to talk to Wallflower about -- “
“Yeah, you like that don’t you, bad girl?” Wallflower hissed, causing Sunset to look horrified.
“Yes, mommy… yeeeeessssssss!” Tempest wailed, causing disgust to join horror on Sunset’s face and quickly become engaged.
Wallflower smiled. “This is what happens to bad girls who don’t do their homework! Understand? Forget again, and mommy’s gonna use the big one next time!”
“Y-yes, mommy… I’ll be-- unnngh -- I’ll be goooood!”
Anger moved in with Disgust and Horror and the three entered into a polyamorous marriage, before discussing what neighborhood they wanted to settle down in before starting a family.
Wallflower’s sadistic grin widened. “All right, bad girl, here comes the homework!”
Tempest screamed in pleasure as the Beanis-brand e-Jaculate spewed deep into her rectum.
On Sunset’s face, Horror, Disgust, and Anger adopted a sullen teenager named Revulsion who immediately declared everything about this situation sucked, sparking a nasty confrontation between him and Anger, with Horror and Disgust trying to smooth things over before Revulsion yelled “You’re not my real dad!” at Anger, who promptly replied “I’m a woman, you little shit!” Then the neighbors, alarmed by the screaming, called the police. Arrests were made, Child Protective Services was called, and ultimately the judge ruled the entire relationship be dissolved and Revulsion was sent to a nice family in Fillydelphia, while Anger was given mandatory sensitivity training. Horror and Disgust started a new life in Manehattan where they opened a bakery catering to the upscale elite. The creampuffs are to die for.
All of which is a very convoluted way of saying that Sunset closed her eyes, covered her ears and made “lalalala” noises until Tempest stopped shrieking. The mohawked woman let out a sound between a groan and a sigh as she rested her cheek on the cool metal of the table. Wallflower, breathing heavily, pulled out of Tempest and removed the Beanis from her crotch, the phallus making a wet sucking sound followed by a pop. Wallflower smiled and put on her own lab coat. She placed the Beanis in a specimen tray before walking around to unlock the manacles around Tempest’s wrists. Tempest slowly stood upright. Sunset frowned as she noticed that their new in-house product tester seemed to be more unsteady than someone who had just gotten a vigorous bean-fueled rogering would normally be.
“Tempest?” Sunset asked. “Are you all right?”
“Hanh?” Tempest asked, turning to face Sunset. She staggered slightly and her cheeks were slightly rosy. “‘M fine, thanks.”
She leaned forward and peered at Sunset. “Yer eye’s all... “ Tempest rotated a circle around her own eye before she started giggling inanely. She pointed to the scar that ran across her eyelid. “We’re twinsiezzz!”
“Okay, come on, honey,” Wallflower said, taking Tempest gently by the arm and leading her to a chair. There was a brief moment where it looked like the taller woman was going to collapse on top of Wallflower, but she soon got Tempest more or less upright.
Sunset frowned and looked back at Twilight. “What the hell have you been --”
“One second, Sunset,” Twilight said, absently looking at her watch. “And that should be long enough. Tempest?”
“Hanh?”
“What is the battle often cited as the beginning of the Revolutionary War?”
Tempest frowned, her tongue sticking out of the corner of her mouth. Then a dopey grin spread across her face. “Fried chicken!”
Wallflower hid her smile behind her hand while Twilight let out a groan of annoyance.
“Dammit,” Twilight curse, picking up a clipboard. “I was so sure the retention factor was going to go up on this batch.”
“Twilight,” Sunset said sternly. She held up the invoices in her hand. “What the hell have you been doing while I’ve been gone?”
“Well, many things. I mean, business doesn’t stop when one of us takes a vacation, right? I had to approve one or two expenditures in your absence.”
“THIRTY THOUSAND DOLLARS, TWILIGHT!” Sunset screamed. “You somehow managed to spend thirty thousand dollars in the five work days between the time I left and now! What in the actual fuck did you NEED all this for?!”
“The Rectal Retentor.”
Sunset blinked and stared. “The what?”
“Our latest project. We’re trying to adapt the Datanis and e-Jaculate so that the information can be absorbed anally, rather than just vaginally. We had a lot of comments on that over the last few months, according to Fluttershy.”
“People want to shoot information up their asses?” Sunset’s voice was flat, her brain running on autopilot.
“Well, more accurately, the comments pointed out that the Datanis as it currently stands only serves those customers with actual vaginal canals. It doesn’t seem to do much for those who’ve had gender reassignment surgery, or, of course, men and transgender women who haven’t fully converted.”
“Uh… huh.” Sunset’s good eye began to twitch.
“And that’s a whole untapped marked we’re not catering to!”
“Please don’t say ‘tapped,’ while we’re talking about this.”
“So I thought about the problem and realized, hey! Everyone has an anus! So Wallflower and I got to work on a new model of Datanis that everyone can use. It’s a narrower and less textured than the standard model, since the tissues are more sensitive around that area. That was the easy part. The hard part -- “
“Can we please skip that phrase as well during this conversation?”
“Ahem,” Twilight said, giving Sunset a dirty look. “The problem was the eJaculate was originally designed to interact with vaginal secretions and tissues. So we needed to find a whole new formula that could be absorbed anally.”
“That is the… wait a minute.” Sunset reached into her pocket, then the other and felt her back pockets. “Shit, I forgot to get cash this morning. All right, so you spent thirty thousand dollars on this new spore of madness in one week?”
“Don’t be silly,” Twilight said.
“Well, I suppose I should be grateful for -- “
“Six thousand went to the bulldozer rental.”
To Sunset’s credit, she managed to refrain from pummeling her friend senseless with the invoices right then and there. “Why. In the fuck. Did you rent. A fucking bulldozer?”
“Well, after the worshippers showed up, I realized we would need more proactive security than the roombas and scarecrows, so I gave Tempest a promotion.”
Sunset glanced over at Tempest, who was sprawled out in the chair, her head tilted back and singing a nonsensical song to herself. Sunset caught something about seeing the world from where she stood, then looked back at Twilight.
“Before you say anything, it’s not really a promotion,” Twilight quickly explained. “She’s still getting paid the same, it’s just she’s also our Chief of Security as well as our lead product tester. “
“Bulldozer.” Sunset’s glare could have cut diamond.
“Right, so the worshippers kind of creeped her out -- Did you know they’re calling her the ‘Beanssiah?’”
“BULLDOZER!”
Twilight jumped. “Right! Anyway, Tempest just couldn’t get them to back off from the doors, so she decided to think laterally. We rented the bulldozer and managed to… um… convince them to stick to the sidewalk and stay off the grounds proper.”
“Oh sweet Celestia on a motherfucking rocket sled,” Sunset moaned, rubbing her nose in yet another futile effort to prevent a level three Twigraine. She thumbed through the invoices and brought the relevant one to the front of the stack. “Fine, you rented a bulldozer to chase them off. The rental fees were about six hundred bucks. Now, explain to me what ‘unusual wear and tear and other damages’ means, and why we were charged another 5400 dollars.”
“That was because of the sinkhole.”
Sunset blinked and rubbed her mouth. “Sinkhole.”
Twilight nodded. “Sinkhole.”
Sunset closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “I realize I’m only bringing this on myself, but… what sinkhole?
“The one the bulldozer fell into.”
Sunset pursed her lips and looked at Twilight, whose own expression was one of guileless fact-stating. “I feel like I shouldn’t have to say this, but, elaborate. Now.”
“So, as it turned out, none of us really knew how to drive a bulldozer, but Tempest decided to give it a shot. Took her a few minutes and she kinda ground the gears really hard, but she got it moving and chased the worshippers back. Once we worked things out with them, I had her go park it in the back parking lot behind the building so the rental company could come pick it up.”
“Big hole outta nowhere!” Tempest shouted, her words slurring. She held up a hand and brought it down in a sharp arc. “Just... woooooo... kreeeesssshhh!”
Sunset frowned at the Security Chief/Product Tester. Something about Tempest's reactions seemed a little too familiar.
“Okay, so that explains that,” she said, slowly turning back to Twilight. Tempest continued singing as Wallflower attempted to put clothes on her.
“Noooo,” Tempest said, pushing Wallflower's hands away. “Don' wanna. Pants're evil.”
“You won't have to wear them for long,” Wallflower replied.
“What was that?” Sunset asked without looking.
“Nothing!” Wallflower blushed. “Um... yeah, you better tell her what happened after the bulldozer crashed into the sinkhole, Twilight.”
“Yes,” Sunset said, fixing Twilight with a stern glare. “Tell her what happened after the bulldozer crashed into the sinkhole, Twilight.”
Twilight gave a nervous grin. “Well, after we got Tempest out and made sure she was all right, we had to call a tow truck to get the bulldozer out. But then we discovered that it had crashed through some of the underground plumbing... and power lines... and internet lines.”
Sunset sighed and went through the invoices again, pulling out the relevant ones. “Okay, so now we're up to about ten grand for all those repairs.”
“Seventeen,” Twilight corrected. Sunset looked up at her. “The pavement company will be out on Monday to stabilize and repave the parking lot.”
“Okay,” Sunset hissed through her teeth. “Seventeen.” She pulled out the relevant printed quote, then stopped as she saw the invoice behind it. “SEVEN GRAND ON BOOZE?! BOOZE?!”
“Ah... yeah. That brings us back to the Rectal Retentor,” Twilight said sheepishly. “I may have overestimated the amount of alcohol we were going to need. Still, I figured better to have too much than not enough.”
“THERE'S A 3200 DOLLAR BOTTLE OF REMY MARTIN LOUIS XIII ON HERE, TWILIGHT!”
“I can explain that!”
Sunset folded her arms and glared. “Okay. I'll bite. Explain.”
“All right, so, when Wallflower and I decided to try to reformulate the e-Jaculate, we weren't sure what to use as a base. Rectal tissue is different from vaginal tissue and our initial experiments proved that the standard e-Jaculate just didn't work when used anally. But Wallflower found something online which gave us an idea. Are you familiar with...” Twilight blushed and looked at the floor. “Um... 'butt-chugging?'”
Sunset smacked her face and dragged her hand over her features. “No, but I'm sure you're going to tell me.”
“The anus and the intestines have more veins than the stomach,” Twilight explained. “As such, a trend has started where people take drugs and alcohol via the rectum. The substance gets into the bloodstream faster and the intoxication takes effect at the same rate and with more intense effect. So, we thought we'd see if we could do something similar with the e-Jaculate. Alcohol seemed like the ideal base to use, given its liquid state and absorption factor.”
“Thirty. Two. Hundred. Dollars,” Sunset said, punctuating each word audibly.
“Well, I certainly wasn't going to use pure grain alcohol, Sunset! People get killed that way!”
Twilight dashed over to another table. She grabbed her tablet from it and opened a spreadsheet. “I wanted a variety of liquors of varying proofs, purity, ages, and ingredients to test how effective they would make when combined with the protein mix. Here, look!”
Sunset sighed and looked the spreadsheet over. She read through the various notes and calculations Twilight had done. As she read, Twilight continued to explain.
“Unfortunately, as it turns out, alcohol breaks up the bonds in the protein chain, corrupting the data upon absorption. The three of us have been working on various combinations trying to find one that will allow the bonds to stay intact, at least long enough for the data to be fully absorbed and retained.”
“So you were testing these out. All three of you?”
“Yes.”
“Voluntarily?”
Twilight blinked. “Of course voluntarily! Why would you think otherwise?”
Sunset cast a glance at the manacles welded to the table. Twilight followed her gaze and her face registered comprehension.
“Oh, right. I see why you’d think that. No, that was actually Tempest’s idea. Do you know she’s strong? Like ridiculously strong? Like, she could probably take fully ponied up Applejack in an arm-wresting contest strong?”
“Is she?” Sunset said, disbelief in her voice. Twilight walked behind the table and pulled out seven more pairs of handcuffs, chains, and manacles. All of them were bent, twisted, or broken in some way as to render them useless.
“Eventually we had to adapt a pair of prison-grade restraints to hold her in place. She tends to break things when she has an orgasm… or when she doesn’t remember how strong she is. I’ve made a note to look into that later.”
Sunset blinked as a thought came to her. “Wait a second. Is Tempest drunk?!”
“FUCK YEAH, SUNNYBUN! WOOOOO!” Tempest, now clothed, spun in her chair.
Sunset groaned. Twilight's sheepish grin returned.
“Legally speaking, I think we'd all be considered drunk.”
“Not me,” Wallflower said, returning from the lab's restroom, also fully dressed. “Used the breathalyzer. I'm legally sober now.”
“Wait, what?” Sunset asked. “When the fuck did we get a breathalyzer?”
“Nine hundred,” Twilight confessed. Sunset turned back to the invoices, found the correct one and sighed.
“So all three of you have been taking turns testing this latest batch of bullshit,” she said, exhaustion in her voice. Twilight opened her mouth, but Sunset put up a hand to stop her from speaking. “How long have you been doing this?”
“What time is it?” Twilight asked.
Sunset pulled out her phone and checked the time. “Nine-thirty.”
“About sixteen hours.”
“WHAT?!” Sunset looked at Twilight, then Wallflower and Tempest, then back to Twilight. “You started this at five-thirty YESTERDAY AFTERNOON?!”
“Well, given the nature of the project, it seemed better to conduct our experiments after hours,” said Twilight.
Sunset ignored her and turned to Wallflower and Tempest. “Wallflower, you're sober enough to drive?”
Wallflower nodded. “Yeah. Easily.”
“Can you take Tempest home? And get her some coffee or something?”
“Well, Twilight asked us to stay long – “
“No,” Sunset said firmly. “This is not me talking to you as a friend. This is me as the head of HR. Both of you go home and get some sleep. Now. I don't want to see you in this building again until tomorrow morning. You will be paid for the day.”
Sunset folded her arms and side-eyed Twilight. “I'm sure Twilight won't mind taking a small cut from her next paycheck to cover it.”
“Wait a second,” Twilight protested.
“If you have a problem, file a complaint with Accounting. Oh wait, I am Accounting. Let's see, your protest has been noted, reviewed, and denied.” She looked back at Wallflower. “Why are you still here?”
“Okay, okay.” Wallflower couldn't help giggling as she turned to help Tempest up. “Tempest? Come on, I'll take you home.”
“Noooo,” Tempest slurred. “Don' wanna go home. Wanna go with you.”
“Okay, honey, you can come home with me. Let's go.” Wallflower helped Tempest up, putting one of the taller woman's arms around her shoulders. As she did, Tempest leaned over and kissed her on the cheek.
“C'n we make cookies?” she asked. “I want cookies.”
“Sleep first, then cookies,” Wallflower said. “Come on.”
As the two of them stumbled past Sunset and Twilight, Tempest suddenly leaned forward and smirked at them. “We're gonna make cookies.”
“I'm sure you are,” Sunset said, smiling in spite of herself. Tempest put her free hand on Sunset's shoulder.
“An'... an' 'm gonna let her do more stuff to my butt.” Her grin widened. “I like it. Like... a LOT.”
Sunset's grin turned into an awkward grimace. “Good... for you.”
“We'll see you guys tomorrow,” Wallflower said. “Come on, 'Pest.”
Tempest leaned her head back as they passed through the door and glared at Sunset and Twilight. “Only she gets to call me that. You guys call me that an' I kick yer assssss—OOP!”
The “Oop!” was because Wallflower had yanked her out the door. Sunset sighed and looked back down at the invoices.
“All right, as stupid as all this is – “
“Ha! I KNEW you couldn't resist!” Twilight laughed, pointing.
“Yeah, yeah, I'll put a dollar in the bucket when I get some cash.” She sighed again and dropped her arm, slapping the invoices against her leg. “I suppose I can squeeze some more blood from the stone, but...” She pointed a finger at Twilight. “No more unauthorized expenditures. We can't afford it after all this, understand? You need funding, you clear it with me first.”
Twilight nodded. “Understood.”
“Is there anything else you spent money on I should know about?”
“Well, there is one thing.”
“SURPRISE!” Six voices cried out. Sunset stared at her friends who stood in front of a car.
Her car.
“A company car?” She said, disbelief in her voice.
“While you were gone, I kinda realized that you put up with a lot from me and... well, I never really thanked you for everything you do,” Twilight said. “So, company car.”
Sunset pointed at the car. “This is the company car?”
“Well, it may not look like much, darling,” said Rarity, “but Applejack and I went over it with a fine toothed comb and I assure you it is clean and roadworthy.”
“We know it ain't the kind of car you would probably choose,” said Applejack. “But she runs, she's legal, and she's ready to go.”
“'She' is a Pinto,” Sunset stated.
The car in question was, indeed, a 1974 Pinto with a faded orange paint job. True to Rarity's word, it was spotless and the brown interior showed all the signs of being recently cleaned. Sunset stepped around it, looking it over. When she got to the back, she glanced down at the license plate and then shot Twilight a look.
“'BEANIS1?' Really?”
“Well, it IS a company car,” Twilight said, blushing.
“And it shares a name with a type of bean.”
“Oh, that was an accident,” said Fluttershy. “Pinkie found it at an auto auction.”
“Yeparoonie!” Pinkie chirped.
“What were you doing at an auto auction?” Sunset asked.
“The auctioneer and his sister. Why?”
Sunset felt her aggravation rising, but she closed her eyes, banished the images Pinkie had caused from her brain, and took a deep breath. No, it wasn't the car she would have chosen. Yes, it was a hideous shade of orange. Yes, she would have preferred a much less obnoxious license plate number.
But, for all her obsession, her cluelessness, and her complete lack of common sense, Twilight had thought of her. And if this was how she wanted to show how much she appreciated Sunset's help, well, who was she to complain about it?
Sunset opened her eyes and smiled. “Thanks, girls. It's not what I would have liked, but it's appreciated.”
“Once we get more money in, we can upgrade it,” said Twilight.
Sunset smirked. “We'll see.”
The girls laughed and hugged. Pinkie reached into her pockets and extracted a double handful of sprinkles. She threw them into the air, where they came back down on the roof of the car. The sprinkles exploded with a flash of pink magic.
Followed by the car going up in a giant fireball.
Soot-stained, wide-eyed, and slightly deaf from the ringing in their ears, the seven girls stared at the burning remains of the former company car. Sunset turned to look at Twilight, who was frowning at the wreckage.
“Pinkie,” Twilight said. “Can you get ahold of the auctioneer again?”
She never got an answer. Mostly because she was too preoccupied with Sunset beating her over the head with the rolled up stack of invoices.
Author's Note
Special thanks to DwarvishPony and MagnetBolt for the gag about the Pinto.
Also thanks to R5h for the quote that spawned this nonsense:
"This is gender discrimination. I demand a Datanis that I can shove up my ass and know how to code in Java!"
-- R5h
