Sunset Shimmer always brought her own lunch to work.
It wasn’t that the cafeteria was bad. Far from it, most of the food was excellent, as long as you didn’t look at the kitchen. Or the toppings bar. Or the salad bar.
Pinkie Pie sat down next to her, her tray full of tacos.
“I just don’t get why you won’t even eat here on Taco Tuesday,” Pinkie said. “Everyone loves munching down on hot, steamy tacos!”
Sunset was about to explain why she was permanently off Tex-Mex but thought better of it. She’d already tried telling a therapist, Princess Twilight, and the employees at Taco Town, and all she’d gotten out of it was a prescription for homeopathic bean pills, a Beanis order form filled out in triplicate, and banned from the mall.
“I just really love BLTs,” she said, instead.
Pinkie shrugged and bit into a plump, juicy taco, sour cream spurting out of the overfilled shell and dripping down her chin, dribbling over her overfilled chest.
“Whoops!” Pinkie looked down at her cleavage. “Can you get me a napkin, Sunset?”
Sunset sighed and swallowed down a homeopathic bean pill. She didn’t believe in homeopathy, because she had an IQ above 60 and hadn’t struggled with fourth grade science classes. However, she took the pills because they were homeopathic bean pills, and thus essentially guaranteed to contain absolutely no beans at all.
It felt good to be one of the only people in the company putting something so aggressively non-beany into one of her orifices.
She reached for the napkin dispenser.
“LOOK OUT BELOW!”
Sunset’s lunch flew into the air as boots slammed into the table.
Rainbow Dash grinned down at her.
Sunset looked down at her ruined lunch and sighed.
“What do you want, Rainbow Dash?” She looked up and was extremely thankful to see Dash was wearing pants today. Every time she forgot it ended up as an HR nightmare and several trips to the pharmacy. “Where did you even come from?”
“I demand a raise!” Dash yelled, brandishing a slightly wobbling sword. Sunset didn’t have to look twice to see that it was a Beanis duct-taped to a handle. “And I jumped from the rafters. It took, like, forever to climb up there, but I wanted to make a dramatic entrance.”
“What.”
“It’s not fair,” Rainbow Dash groaned. “I work hard every day and I barely get anything! Meanwhile Applejack just has to ask nicely and Twilight will spend, like, brazillians of dollars on all the science junk in the labs!”
“Why don’t you just ask for a raise?” Fluttershy suggested. “I bet if you’re really nice and maybe show them your penis, you’ll be able to get a little more.”
“Nah, that doesn’t work on Sunset,” Dash sighed. “She’s always complaining about a budget or whatever, as if we don’t have tons of money.”
“You can’t just ask.”
Dash and Fluttershy looked to the other side of the room. Tempest Shadow was standing, looking off into space, her eyes glazed over.
“I remember… asking never worked. You had to go and take what you wanted. They never listened, just coming and coming with no mercy or lubricant.”
She blinked and looked around.
“That was strange,” Tempest said. “What were we talking about?”
“So because of an off-handed comment by someone you barely know-”
Rainbow Dash cleared her throat.
“I know her pretty well, actually. In the other meaning of the word. The one that-”
“Yes I get it, Dash, you bang a lot of people,” Sunset sighed. “My point is, you decided that the best way to get a raise was to, what, come here with a Beanis on a stick and yell at me?”
“I’m challenging you, the head of HR, to a duel. With a bean-sword. The bean-sword was Tempest’s idea too.”
“That won’t work, Dash,” Sunset said. “The head of HR doesn’t approve raises.”
“What?”
“Yeah, you’ll need to find the head accountant and talk to them. It’s a budgetary issue, not an HR thing. Sorry.”
“Dangit!”
Dash jumped down from the table and stomped off.
Ten minutes later she stomped back.
“Hey! That wasn’t funny, Sunset! You’re the head accountant!”
“I thought it was pretty funny,” Pinkie Pie whispered, leaning uncomfortably close to Sunset.
“I’m not going to duel you, Dash,” Sunset said. She stood up. “I could spend a week listing all the things I’d rather do with my time.”
Dash prodded her with the bean-sword.
“You’re just chicken.”
“Dash, I have actual work-”
“Bwak bwak bcawk!”
Sunset glowered at her.
Dash kept making chicken sounds, pressing the tip of the increasingly-hard bean-sword against Sunset’s cheek, leaving a smear of cheese as it squirted a few drops.
“Parking lot. Ten minutes.” Sunset growled.
“I don’t think this is a good idea,” Fluttershy whispered.
“Nah, it’ll be fine,” Dash said. “I mean how hard could it be?”
“Well, um… Twilight said she saw Sunset take her shirt off in the shower. She said Sunset has an 8-pack. She said Sunset is shredded.”
“Pfft. Whatever.” Dash waved her hand. “Sunset’s just a punk bitch. She looks like she weighs thirty pounds soaking wet underneath that little black dress of hers.”
The front door burst open, Sunset storming out with a bean-saber of her own. Unlike Dash’s, this one was bright red, knobby and evil-looking, like something had gone terribly wrong while making it.
Sunset pulled off her coat, tossing it to the ground. Until now, confronted with the need to actually best her in hand-to-hand (or bean-to-bean, anyway) combat, Dash had never really noticed how big her biceps were.
“Good luck,” Fluttershy whispered.
Sunset charged, and Dash barely got her blade up in time, parrying the attack and pushing it aside.
“Holy shit!” Dash was forced back, sending a flurry of blows Sunset’s way that were knocked aside without the bacon-haired girl even blinking.
Sunset roared and swung her bean-saber in a big, two handed overhead, Dash blocking it and being forced to one knee by the power behind it.
As their swords crossed, Sunset glanced down at Dash’s blade. The bean-shaft was throbbing, barely hanging on after being toyed with and swung around, rubbing against her own rock-hard blade.
Sunset caught Dash’s bean-saber with her bare hand, stroking it up and down.
“Hey! What are you doing?!”
Sunset worked the shaft harder, pushing it back towards Dash’s face.
“Disarming you.”
The beanis erupted, Dash taking the full load all over her face, the queso painting her blue skin stark white.
Dash sputtered, backing away and trying to get it out of her eyes.
“What the hell, Sunset?!”
“It’s over,” Sunset said.
“Don’t be stupid, I can still-”
Dash held up her bean-saber. It hung limply, flaccid and useless.
Sunset’s bean-saber touched her throat.
“Yield,” Sunset demanded. “You lost.”
“I haven’t lost yet,” Dash said. “I still have my other sword!”
“What other sword?”
Dash pulled down her pants, thrusting herself forward.
“Christ, Dash! Ew!” Sunset swung hard with her bean-saber, parrying the clumsy thrust.
Dash’s eyes went wide, and she fell over, clutching her crotch.
“Oh god you broke my dick!”
“The good news is the doctors say you’ll make a full recovery,” Sunset said, after the EMTs had left.
She’d explained everything as a workplace accident. They were nice enough not to ask how someone’s penis had gotten hurt in a workplace accident. Also, Dash's penis apparently wasn't irresistible when it was black-and-blue instead of just blue.
“And you know, I feel a lot better after beating you off. Up! Beating you up. I had a lot of repressed anger that I needed to work out. My therapist will probably be happy about that.”
Dash nodded meekly, holding the ice in place over her crotch. Sunset moved and she flinched, covering her dick with both hands.
“You’re not getting that raise, though.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
Author's Note
You know, the weird thing is I'm hungry for Taco Bell now.
Is Baja Blast a good name for a sex move? Discuss in the comments.
