Ancient Egyptian Bean Games
Leaving her phone behind at Beanis Inc. was Sunset’s first mistake.
Her second mistake was driving all the way out to the middle of this shitty neighborhood at midnight, because she couldn’t just wait until Monday. She only passed by three drug deals and heard one gunshot along the way, which was probably low for this time of year.
When Sunset parked her car and found the entire building dark—no emergency lights, no blazing bean-dick shaped logo, not even the tiny LED of an electronic lock—she made her third mistake.
It would be so easy to just walk away. To call the police, or Twilight, or just go home and not care at all. She didn’t have a phone at the moment, sure, but the 7/11 across the street still had power. She could probably ask for help there without getting stabbed.
Instead, Sunset circled around to the back door, and tried her badge. When it didn’t respond, she sighed, fished her spare physical key out of her purse, and opened the door the old fashioned way.
The hallway loomed in front of her, pitch black. And weirdly warm and muggy inside, compared to the cool evening outside.
Sunset took one look over her shoulder, then remembered that the baseline normal didn’t exist for her anymore. This was her life now, and if she tried to run away, something even worse would likely happen. She crossed the threshold.
The door closed behind her with an ominous click. The humid air cloyed at her face, and she immediately felt like she’d been jogging for an hour. Then, something rippled through her. A pulse of sound, or maybe something more ephemeral, rolling through her like an undercooked burrito.
Sunset grimaced, and clicked on the little pen light attached to her keychain. It wasn’t enough to even light the whole hallway, but it at least allowed her not to trip over her own feet. A few steps forward, and she felt the pulse again. Licking her lips, she dug her taser out of her purse and gripped it tight.
“Hello? Anyone there? Twilight? Rainbow Dash? I’m just here for my phone, okay?”
The darkness did odd things to the atmosphere of the Beanis Corporate Headquarters. What was normally a brightly lit and welcoming place—made horrifying only by context—was now just plain old regular horrifying. Bean shaped shadows flitted across walls and in the corners of Sunset’s vision. Some were just actual shadows, of various beanis models that were out in the open for whatever reason. Others seemed to move, to creep behind her as she crept forward. It was probably just a trick of the light.
The mysterious pulsing continued at a steady rate, and when Sunset entered the stairwell, it grew louder, resonated more deeply within her. She began to hear a faint, ever growing hum underlying it. Once she reached the floor her office—and thus her phone— was on she could make out the sound of chanting coming from above.
Another chance to just turn back and go home. Sunset glanced towards her office, swore under her breath, then began her climb up.
By the time Sunset reached the top, the air was sweltering, and the chanting had reached some sort of crescendo. She grabbed the knob, and took a deep breath. One of two things was going to be behind this door. Some sort of literal, godawful demon, or one of her friends getting fucked in some new way that was unimaginably stupid.
Possibly both.
Without further hesitation, Sunset threw the door open, taser at the ready.
Twilight looked up from the center of an elaborate pattern etched into the floor and glowing with a sickly green light. She threw the cowl of her robe back and waved. “Oh, hey Sunset! What are you doing here so late?”
“Well, I guess I’m actually surprised. Points for that, I guess.” Sunset closed the door behind her and sighed. She didn’t put the taser away. “Twilight, just… why?” She gestured vaguely at the room, with various bits of junk strewn about, along with enough lit candles to cover half the floor. “So help me if your explanation is that if you’re trying to summon some sort of ancient cock spirit I will taze the shit out of you.”
“Don’t be ridiculous, Sunset!” Twilight waved her hand dismissivel, then stood and picked up one of the pieces of junk at her feet. The light in the circle flickered out, and she scampered over to Sunset, beaming. “I mean, I’m pretty sure that’s not what this is. Look, I’ve been having this dream lately, where a voice in my brain tells me that to secure the future I need to look to the past!”
“Wait, what? Twilight, that sounds a lot like—”
“So I went to the museum!” Twilight leaned forward, eyes glittering, her smile dangerously wide. “I mean, I used to go all the time, but ever since starting Beanis Inc. I haven’t really had time anymore, you know? Hey, we should go some weekend, there’s a lot of cool stuff you’d like!”
Sunset pinched the bridge of her nose, and wondered if it was possible to bruise her nose by doing it too much. “Can we get to the part where you explain why you’re up here in the middle of the night summoning demons? Also, why is it so damn hot and why is the power out?”
Twilight shrugged. “The power interferes with the magic, so I shut it off. I dunno about the heat thing though. Maybe it's part of the ritual?” After seeing the look on Sunset’s face, she coughed. “Anyway, they had this new exhibit on ancient Egypt. And, well, look!”
With the same kind of enthusiasm that had founded a mercantile empire based on bean dickings, Twilight shoved the piece of junk she’d grabbed earlier into Sunset’s face.
Sunset took a step back, then squinted to focus on it. It looked like a shard of pottery that was thousands of years old. Various figures were painted on it, crude humans, and in their hands was something that looked a lot like—
“It’s a beanis!” Twilight squealed. “Well, I mean, the picture just looks like a dick, I guess, but that word there actually means ‘bean’ and there was a ton of other bean based iconography throughout the rest of the exhibit. The point is, ancient Egyptians had the same idea I did! Who knows what techniques they use, or if they had some sort of secrets that I could use to improve the modern one!”
“No, absolutely not.” Sunset gently pushed the pottery away from her face. “I refuse to believe that an entire culture could independently come up with something as astronomically stupid as you—oh you know what, fuck right off. I am not on the clock right now, I can call it stupid if I want to.”
Twilight pursed her lips and rolled her eyes. “Anyway, I had Tempest steal some of the artifacts from the museum so I could—”
“Hello, Officer?” Sunset held the taser up to her ear as she glared down at Twilight. “Yes, I’d like to report a crime of grand larceny. Yes, that's right. Theft from a museum. Priceless artifacts. Yes, I’ll corroborate fully. Twilight Sparkle is her name. What's the penalty you say? To the death? Well, that's a shame. I’m sure her tombstone will be a giant beanis erected in her memory. I’m sure she’ll—wait, what? Yes, the Twilight Sparkle of Beanis Inc. You say that ever since you bought a beanis, your relationship with your wife has never been stronger? You’re just going to let this one slide? Hold on, this is a serious crime, you can’t just—”
Sunset stared down at the taser in her hands blankly, then threw it against the wall where it shattered in a shower of sparks. “Motherfucker!”
Twilight tilted her head to the side. “Sunset, why are you losing an argument with a taser?”
“Because I’ve lost control of my life!” Sunset threw her hands into the air, then stormed off to a window, and started trying to tug it open. “It's too fucking hot in here!”
“It’s okay, Sunset.” Twilight put what was probably supposed to be a reassuring, if sweaty, hand on Sunset’s shoulder. “Look, Tempest got in, got the goods, and got out. Didn’t even make a blip on the security system, She’s like a freaking ninja or something, I swear.”
Sunset took a deep breath. It didn’t help much. “Whatever. Why the ritual then?”
Twilight blinked then nodded. “Well I mean that one's easy. I did some more research into ancient Egyptian beans, but I don’t think modern historians have ever noticed the connection before. Bunch of stuffy old morons, if you ask me.”
“Of course,” Sunset muttered, rolling her eyes. “Because the connection is so obvious.”
“I know, right?” Twilight giggled, then made her way back over to the circle. “So I figured, why not go straight to the source? I’ve got the toe of some mummified ancient Egyptian Pharaoh—Pharaohess?—here, and if I can just get this ritual right, we can ask her what it was all about! I’m having some trouble getting it to work. It feels like I’m getting so close, but there’s this barrier that I just can’t break through. You know a lot about magic, Sunset. Can you give me a hand?”
Well, as stupid as it was, for the moment it didn’t involve sex. Sunset had to give props for that. “Give me that,” she said with a scowl, and snatched the pottery fragment from Twilight’s hand. She ran her fingers over the ancient clay, looking a little closer in the flickering candlelight. “Hang on a second, this writing here kind of looks like Old Ponish. Hmm. Klaatu… Barada. Nikto.”
A wumph of energy burst forth from the magic circle, blowing out all of the candles, all of the windows, and throwing Sunset and Twilight against the wall.
Blessedly cool air drifted into the room and tickled Sunset’s face. She groaned, stars swimming across her vision. “Damnit, Twilight. Was this a summoning spell or a fucking bomb?”
“I don’t know?” Moonlight filtered in from the broken windows, and Twilight sat up, rubbing her head. “I mean, it never did that when I tried it. Maybe it worked! Hello? Are there any spirits here? Can you hear us? Would it help if I get out the Ouija board?”
“What’s a Ouija board?”
Twilight glanced over at Sunset, then frowned. “Really? We brought one out at a sleepover one time, its a party game used to—”
Sunset slapped her hand over Twilight’s mouth. “Twilight, I didn’t say that,” she hissed, and felt her blood run cold.
“Oh.”
They both stared at each other for a moment, then their eyes slowly slid to the center of the room.
In the center of the summoning circle floated a beautiful, transparent young lady, dressed in ancient garb. She waved. “Hello!”
Twilight blinked, then half-heartedly waved back. “Um… hi?”
Sunset elbowed her in the ribs.
Twilight coughed, then stood up. “Um, hi! My name is Twilight Sparkle, CEO and founder of Beanis Inc. I’ve summoned you from beyond the grave in order to ask you a few questions about the usage of beans in your culture. May we have a moment of your time?”
The ghost woman tilted her head to the side. “You want to ask about… beans? She frowned for a second, then lit up. “Oh, you mean you want to know about Bean Monsters!” She stood up, puffing her chest out with her hands on her hips. “My name is Somnambula and I’ll have you know I’m one of the best players in all of Egypt!”
“Bean Monsters?” Twilight and Sunset said in chorus, for once an equal amount of incredulity shared between them.
Twilight stepped forward. “What’s Bean Monsters?”
“Oh, you don’t know?” Somnambula raised a finger to her lips, then looked down. “But you have a deck right here!” She pointed to one of the items resting on her summoning circle, a sack which appeared to be full of petrified beans. “Well, in any case, it's only the greatest game ever invented! Information is magically embedded into beans, giving each one a unique identity. Then they're used to simulate great strategic battles!”
“No way,” Twilight breathed, her eyes wide. “You’re saying you actually figured out how to embed knowledge into soylent structures, thousands of years ago! That’s absolutely incredible! It took me ages to figure out how to do that with all of modern technology! And you used it to… play a game. And I don’t suppose you also used embedded knowledge in beans to, I dunno, say… create a line of dildos far superior to any other known material?”
Somnambula blinked, and stared at Twilight. “No. Why would we do that?”
Twilight looked like a puppy who’d just been kicked. “Oh. I see.”
Sunset snorted. “Finally, someone with a little bit of sen—”
“Although that sounds like amazing fun!” Somnambula’s ghostly cheeks turned a little pink, and she giggled. “A bean based dildo? I wish we had thought of that. What other miracles does your world hold?”
“Of course, why did I bother.” Sunset rubbed her aching temples. “Well, she doesn’t have any beanis for us, Twilight. How about we call this off and go home?”
Twilight raised her hand. “Hold on. We might be able to learn something from this Bean Monsters game. Can you show us how to play?”
“Absolutely!” Somnambula waved a hand, and the stack of beans spilled out across the floor, then clumped together into two piles across from each other. “This will be my deck, and that will be yours.”
Sunset stared at the display idly. Then nothing happened, and she realized everyone was looking at her. “What?”
Twilight gestured to the beans. “Go on, play her! I gotta stand back and take notes.”
“I’m billing you for all of these hours,” Sunset growled. She stomped across the floor, then sat down next to Somnambula. “Alright, how do I start?”
Somnambula bit her lip. “First, we shake hands.”
Sunset raised an eyebrow, then held out her hand.
Somnambula took it with her ghostly fingers. It tingled. “It’s time to Bean!”
A bright flash ripped through the room. Another magic circle sprung into life underneath them, expanding to surround both Sunset and Somnambula.
“Oookay…” Sunset looked between the ghost and Twilight. An odd, magical tightness crept over her, like someone had their hands wrapped around her throat. “Does it normally do that?”
“Oh, every time!” Somnambula nodded furiously, then coughed and looked away. “Well, I maaay also want to mention that, well. Every Bean Monsters game is played for the ultimate stake.”
“The ultimate stock?” Twilight blinked. “I mean, we’ve been climbing in price lately, but I wouldn’t say—”
“She said stake, Twilight.” Sunset grit her teeth, and turned her attention back to Somnambula. “Which is what, exactly?”
“Ehehe.” Somnambula tugged at her collar. “It might, kind of, sort of be… your soul?”
“Why!?” Sunset threw her hands up into the air, scattering beans across the floor. They magically rolled back into the pile that was her deck. “Why would anyone play this if they knew that? How could it sustain a playerbase?”
Somnambula blanched. “It’s very competitive, and has a lot of fans! And, I mean, we usually give the souls back, once we’ve won. It's only the polite thing to do.”
Sunset tasted bile in the back of her throat. “Uh-huh. I’m sure. And when you beat me, considering I’m brand new and you’re a veteran, are you just going to give my soul back!?”
“Of course I am!” Somnambula held her hand over her chest, looking offended. “I’m not a monster!”
One, two, three. But.
“But…” Somnambula cleared her throat and licked her lips. “Maybe not right away? I’ve just been dead so long, you see. I want to breathe the air, feel the sunshine on my face, taste some refreshing chilled wine. I want to try this Beanis thing your friend is so excited about. I promise, I’ll give you your body back after a millennium or so!”
A part of Sunset wanted to just let go. To say, screw it, let her take it. Let every nasty little aspect of Sunset’s life be someone else’s problem for awhile. While being a ghost probably sucked, could it really suck more than this?
But the thought. A thought that made her want to hurl, that set her blood boiling. The image of this dainty little ghost using Sunset’s body—and sticking it full of disgusting bean paste? No. No fucking way. Absolutely not.
There had to be a line drawn, and this was it.
“Play,” Sunset growled, fire dancing in her eyes.
Somnambula looked taken aback, but her face quickly filled with resolve. “Right.” She drew a handful of beans from her pile, then placed placed one in front of her. A ghostly image of a man with a shovel appeared above it. “I summon Rockhoof the Legend, and place him in attack mode!”
Sunset slammed her hand into the pile, and came back with a small handful. Each bean left a magical impression, leaving her with a name and a list of effects. She barely paid attention, and slapped five beans onto the field at random.
“That’s probably not the wisest move to…” Somnambula trailed off, then her eyes went wide. “Wait, you’re kidding. You couldn’t have possibly…”
Swirling light coalesced over the five beans that took the shape of a great demon, the size of Sunset herself, towering over the little miniature on Somnambula’s side.
Somnambula took a step back, face even paler, sweat dripping down her ethereal cheeks. “That’s… impossible! For you to summon Beanzodia the Forbidden One on your very first turn…”
Sunset raised a finger, pointing towards Somnambula. Beanzodia roared, and began to glow with with a fierce light.
“I see.” Somnambula hung her head. “If this is to be my fate, than I accept it head on.”
Beanzodia fired a wave of energy that engulfed the entire far side of the room. Somnambula faded into motes of dust.
Sunset turned to Twilight, stone faced. “So was all this worth it?”
Twilight looked up from her notebook, still scribbling furiously. “Hmm? Oh, yes, this is excellent data. Do you think you could get her to play a rematch?”
Sunset slammed her fist down on her alarm clock. Unfortunately, after breaking too many alarm clocks, this one was industrial strength.
With one bruised hand throbbing with pain, Sunset shuffled her way into the bathroom. She opened up the mirror, pulled out her toothpaste. Closed the mirror, saw Somnambula floating behind her, leaned down to grab her toothbrush, started brushing.
Stopped brushing. Straightened up to look at Somnambula again.
Sunset didn’t even have the decency to be scared. “Why are you still here?”
Somnambula shrugged. “Well, you beat me fair and square, so that means you won my soul. It normally doesn’t work like this, but I was dead to begin with, so who knows? I guess I’m following you now. You’re going to work, right? Do we get to see the Beanis thing?”
Sunset stared into the mirror, and wasn’t sure which one of them looked more dead inside.
Author's Note
I'm not sorry.
