Chapters A Discordant Lecture on Alternate Reality
Alright class, Twilight has asked me to teach a class on Alternate History… and obviously I rolled my eyes like dice and I laughed. And then Fluttershy gave the tiniest little “ahem”... it was adorable...and it turns out they were serious. So, let's begin with the very basics of six dimensional timelines. We’ll start with space. I love space. It’s the final frontier, or haven’t you heard. All of Equestria, the entire planet, and even the whole universe exists in space. And it’s a nice universe, I’ll admit. It’s where I keep most of my things.
And all of that: all of equestria, the whole planet, and all of my things exist on one tiny infinitesimal dot on the durational axis called “the present”, which stretches for infinity and quite possibly beyond into the past and future until it finally loops back into itself in the great mobius hamster wheel of repeating history.
And if this were a class on plain old boring linear history, that’s really all you’d need. You have a past, a present, and a days of future tense. What more is there? No, no, no… put your various appendages down. I’m the one who’s here tell you what else there is. And I’ll tell you!
There’s the infinite axis of probability, perpendicular to the axis of duration, measuring the distances between all the things in the universe which haven’t happened, but that might have, or might yet happen. Surf Pony, what if you asked Bug Pony on a date? What if she said yes? What if she said no? What if she was already in an adorable shipment with Fluff Yak? There’s a chance all of those things could be true. That is present probability.
And probability is the axis that most, so called “Alternate History” takes place on. What if Thorax and Spike were exiled from the Crystal Empire? What if Nightmare Moon had won? What if Discord had shipped with Fluttershy and they had conquered the world with the power of true love. Don’t look at me like that, I vacation in at least three timelines where that exact thing actually happened!
But the rabbit hole goes deeper than that, my eager little students. Because there’s a third axis of time… possibility! And here’s where it gets really fun. Because possibility is perpendicular to both duration and probability, and that’s where you find all the things that not only never happened, but never could happen. That’s where you step outside of the bounds of the universe altogether.
“What if a war with the zebra radically derailed the future of Equestria?” That’s probability.
“What if ponies evolved on a totally different planet that orbited the sun and built a great empire that fell into decay, leading to a cataclysmic war with a race of hairless bipeds called ‘humans’.” That’s possibility.
The difference you see is that one timeline shares a universal link, and much of the same history of our own before it diverged. There are many little differences, Twilight Sparkle’s mother had a different name, and she was never a princess. Racial tensions between ponies and zebra were just a mane’s hair more hostile. Nonetheless, it is still Equestria. But the world we are going to look at is much further removed. It is not just a different planet, but a different universe, that works by very different rules. The ponies who live in that future live and die by those rules. You see, it’s one thing to see your own world in ruins, you can always overthink yourself back into some semblance of comfort. After all, just don’t do that one little thing and it never happens. Poof. Not real. And we’re all back in our nifty little universe where there was never a terrible war in the future, and all my things are still safe and sound in the real and present Equestria. But the place I’m going to show you today my little students, has no way back to the safe and comfortable present day Equestria. Because it is not, has never been, and will never be Equestria. The real question is, can you learn from those little ponies? And I can't answer that question. I’m only here to teach, learning is entirely your problem.
Surf Pony, take less notes! Beaky #1, Take more notes! Beaky # 2, take less “weird” notes! Bug Pony! Don’t take notes… I’ve got my eye on you. Tsundere Dragon and Fluff Yak have the right idea. Either pretend to ignore me completely, or stare on in enrapt bewilderment. Just pick one. Two options.
You have a fifty/fifty chance of being right. And a fifty/fifty chance of being wrong. And the whole wide world is at stake. And somepony 200 years ago already made those choices for you. Today Class, we will be learning the difference between fate and destiny. And to aid my teaching of your potential learning we’re going to take a little field trip on Professor Discord’s Magic School Bus. Put your claw down Beaky #2, the reference wasn’t meant for you, and I’m not going to explain it. Just get in the smiling yellow wagon, class. We’re going to Everglow!
“We are approaching sad place number 103.” A tiny white metal filly supplied helpfully.
“Yeah, girl, I know,” the massive, deformed horse with no name sighed from beneath her as the metal filly lounged casually on his back.
“The survivability of this settlement rapidly approaches zero percent,” the ivory automaton argued in perfect autotune, “there is no logical reason to linger here.”
“Ya gotta remember where you came from, little filly, and you gotta respect it.” A serpent creaped out of the giant’s mouth to lay a flower on the grave. “Ya ain’t gotta like it. But you gotta remember. And ya gotta hope it gets better, with or without you.”
The pair slowly plodded away from the wooden marker that read, “Mint Surprise Pastel, Lover, Mother, Friend.”
“How can we actually see and hear everything that’s going on from the window of a… I’m going to go with ridiculously enchanted train car?” Galus’ left eyebrow made a gallant effort to escape with his right pupil.
“Wait… Why is Professor Rarity’s little sister a robot?” Sandbar mused.
“Really?” Gallus replied dryly. “Is that the part of this that amazes you?”
“I think it might actually be weirder if the Sweetie Bell clone wasn’t a robot.” Silverstream’s jaw hung slack.
“Are those snakes looking out of his mouth?” Smolder’s wing’s twitched with agitation. “Does he have snakes for tongues? Are they his pets, and they just ride in his mouth?”
“Is pony eating snakes?” Yona turned to her changeling friend in disgusted confusion. “Pony eat snakes? Yak eat snakes better?!?! Should yak eat snakes?”
“I don’t know if I like the ‘Magic School Bus’...” Ocellus stared wide eyed as the little scene played out in the whole wide, new world on the other side of that window.
“Good news!” Discord appeared in aisle of the bus. “One of you asked a smart question. Good job Surf Pony! Ten points for Gryffindor! Where did that adorable little robot that looks like a certain Crusader of the Cutie Mark variety come from?”
“Uh, professor Discord?” Ocellus spoke nervously, “If your back here, then who’s driving the bus right now?”
The student’s screamed as the bus careened into a nearby, conveniently placed temporal vortex.
The Origins of Bullette Bell
The room was dark enough to obscure faces, which almost seemed ridiculous, given that anypony who made it into this room already knew every other pony in the room.
“We’ve had real breakthroughs!” A mare’s angry voice cut through the darkness.
“You were supposed to produce soldiers, not foals!” A harsh, deep, male voice cut in.
“We’ve figured out the creation process! There were… problems with the forced aging.” The female pleaded.
“Your goal was to create adult automatons, instead you give us foal soldiers who never truly grow into adults, physically or mentally.” A second, condescending voice cut in.
“We’ve broken through the process of creation…”
“And in doing so we’ve taken a horrible risk.” The original voice asserted his authority. “If the Steel Heart Kollective learned what we’ve done we’d have a war on two fronts. No! The council has decided to move to end this definitively. You are to destroy the three prototypes immediately. The ‘Crusader Initiative’ never happened. We are moving forward with the ‘Blaze Solution’.”
“I want to go on record to say you’re all fools.” Starless Night sneered as she strode from the room. “My project could have won this war. Be glad there won’t be any history left to judge your ‘final solution’.”
“Did we just drive through a spy movie?” Galus gawked out the window. “Because I’m pretty sure we just drove through a spy movie.”
“Whoa, I get it! That scientist mare was talking about building robots… but what’s a ‘steel heart collective’?” Sandbar rubbed his chin thoughtfully with one hoof.
“Oh! I know! It’s just like in Star Pony III!” Silverstream perked up. “They must be a race of robot ponies, and they’d be super peeved if they found out these other ponies were cloning them as soldiers!”
“I hope you’re taking notes class,” Discord smirked as he steered the bus in a screeching left turn into the near future, “Because this next part will definitely be on the test.”
“I… can’t.” Starless Night looked incredulously at her partner, her well regulated mind taking in his denial.
“They *aren’t* fillies. We *built* them.” She snapped coldly.
“Isn’t that how they make steel heart fillies?” The assistant looked on pleadingly, trying desperately to see some remnant of the mare he fell in love with.
“The council has already decided. We have hours, at best.” The unicorn mare responded coldly. “Is this honestly any worse than what we built them for. Think about it, Cog, they were supposed to be soldiers. Steel heart duplicates, manufactured in hours, grown into adults and trained as soldiers in weeks to fight and die on the front lines. If it comforts you, there won’t be anyone left to judge our crimes.”
“No… I guess there won’t be.” Starless only flinched slightly when she heard the click. “Maybe it’s appropriate, you know. What has the whole empire been doing for years now, but making foals just to turn them into soldiers. Maybe this is the gods way of telling us that maybe that’s just all the empire’s good for anymore. If that’s all we’re ever gonna do, maybe it’s better if it all burns.”
“I’m sorry, Cog,” Starless night sighed. “For everything. Make it a clean shot. And make it quick, before you lose your nerve. I don’t want to live with what’s coming. You know if you don’t, I’m going to follow orders just like I always have. It’s me or it’s those three foals, Cog. This is why I never wanted to start a family. You can see what kind of mother I would have…”
The research facility was buried deep, no pony ever heard the gun go off. It would be decades before any pony ever dug this deep again. The spell that would place them in stasis commanded the entirety of his last hours. He had lost the pony he loved to his own hoof. Perhaps the foals they had made would have a chance if the planet could ever forgive what pony kind was about to unleash…
“I don’t like this field trip.” Ocellus declared glumly. “These ponies are mean. This universe is mean. Can we go home yet?”
“Wow… that was pretty harsh.” Even smolder looked vaguely uncomfortable.
“What this have do with pony friendship?” Yona looked confused.
“Yona has a pretty good point.” Gallus nodded. “I know it’s a whole different universe with completely different rules, but can you even have friendship in a place like this?”
“Dude, for real.” Sandbar looked fairly traumatized. “That pony just killed his wife. That’s pretty much the opposite of friendship.”
“Well it’s not a lesson about their friendship, obviously.” Discord huffed. “You asked where the Sweetie Bot came from, and I showed you. A good teacher answers his students questions.”
“What about the weird pony… thing? Creature?” Silverstream rolled a claw as she tried to find the right word. “I think it was a pony anyway… Where does he fit into this?”
“Another good question!” Discord proclaimed cheerfully. “And to answer that one, I think we need a ride down memory lane…”
I remember the day I gave up on the world. I remember the pain, the loss, and the bitterness of her death. My wife died in childbirth during one of the gas attacks. She was a doppelganger named Mint Surprise. The war and Soft Whisper took her and our newborn daughter, Diane, in one fell swoop. And it was more than I could take. And as I held them in my hooves, choking from the fumes and drowning in my own tears and mucous, I declared my hatred and contempt for the gods and the whole wide world... and it’s funny, but I never imagined the world would give up on me right back. I forget how many times I thought, “This has to be the end,” as the whole world just exploded in blazes of elemental agony before I resigned myself to the idea that I had already died, and this was just hell. I could even accept that. An earth pony lives close to the earth, and he accepts that death is part of life, or he’s supposed too.
I had forsaken Soft Whisper. She took too much, one too many times. I never imagined that the sky might turn into the nine hells, and maybe she would reject me right back. I was just a pony. I was a pony once. But I rejected death, and had the misfortune of rejecting her right before her time was come. So I guess it’s fair that death would forsake me right back. And that was my punishment. I cursed the gods, and they cursed me right back. And they were better at it. I don’t even remember how the war started anymore, only how it ended as I was burned and mangled over and over until I was almost not even recognizable as a pony anymore.
Another god found me… though I’ll never know what he saw in the ruined wreck of an earth bound pony who couldn’t die while the world burned around him. The blaze didn’t kill me, but it erased me. It wasn’t that I couldn’t remember who I used to be… I just wasn’t that pony anymore. And the Unspoken Jester reshaped the scarified husk of flesh that the Blaze left lying in the ashes in his own twisted image. And I wandered the wastes for years like that. Or maybe it was decades? Or months? Who can know? I was a lowly deformed horse with no name, wandering the desert.
Eventually I was picked up by a traveling circus, because even in a world this broken the best a pony like me could ever be was a sideshow freak. But then something amazing happened. I was exploring an old bunker with some of my fellow performers, and we found something inside, a small, tiny compared to my massive form, inert Steel Heart filly, clearly manufactured before the war, on her flank was marked a peculiar serial number, “Crusader MK SB-978”. The others thought she was just a husk, a shell. But I knew better. I knew she was alive and alert, and something inside my brain knew that it had been my destiny, since the day the blaze consumed the world, to find this filly. She was a relic forgotten by the old world, just like me.
Bullette saved me, because in her foalish mind, she had to call me something. And I clearly had no name. She gave me something still worth protecting in this hell, even if I’m pretty sure she could kill me dead in a fight. Without hope, we’d all be better off if the Blaze had wiped us off the map. I don’t remember much from back then, and that’s probably a good thing. But she taught me that I still have a place in this world. And maybe, just maybe, if I don’t mess it up again, Soft Whisper will forgive me. And maybe I can have a happy ending. Because until that happens, there can be no happy ending for me, because it never really ends.
“It’s THEIR friendship! The robot, and the mutant pony with snakes in his mouth!” Silverstream clapped while Galus looked blankly at the scene as it unfolded.
“They… all died.” The gryphon youth stammered. “They just made the whole world explode.”
“We didn’t mean to be bad…” Ocellus covered her head with her hooves. “Queen Chrysalis just made us do bad things! We’re not like those ponies!”
“Ponies… could do that…” Sandbar droned absently.
“Woah… look at him… Every wave of it… it’s like it’s melting him and something is just twisting it back into shape.” Smolder stared on in wonder. “But whatevers doing it just can’t decide on the shape.”
“Beautiful and grotesque all at once.” Discord looked on with sad, sparkly eyes. “The miracle of chaotic birth.”
“Yona seen yak born, so… meh…” Yona shrugged casually.
“So we’ve gotten past the end of the world as we know it.” Discord hurried on as the bus lurched abruptly right.. “So let’s just ride a few years up the road.”
“Why did we kill them?” Bullette’s autotuned voice reverberated with fresh pain.
“They would have killed us, Bullette,” The giant mutant she rode atop huffed.
“Life is ugly.” The little white metal filly grumped. “It’s short, and it’s mean, and it’s ugly! There is a 78.6% chance that life has no meaning.”
“You don’t believe that, girl.” A careful observer would have noted that the giant’s voice came from the mouth of the middle of three snake like tendrils that constantly, almost playfully darted in and out of the creature’s bisected mouth.
“I do not believe that.” Bullette Bell confessed with a sigh, “But I believe there is a 86.8% chance that you believe that.”
“Oops, too far… Okay so I missed a turn or two.” Discord griped. “We’ll just turn around and drive back a few years.”
“But can ya wake her up?” The freak snarled, “That’s all I’m asking.”
“It ain’t can I, it’s, it’s will I,” The clown-faced doppelganger nearly sneered in reply.
“You’ve seen that thing that calls itself the sun that Sunrise practically worships as clear as I have. That thing is getting in her head… it’s getting in all our heads.” The freak pleaded.
“And what are you gonna do about it?” The doppelganger spat in contempt.
“I’m gonna walk away.” The snake darting out of the freak’s mouth whispered. “And I’ma break everything between here and ‘away’ that gets in my way. Follow.. or don’t.”
“Okay… so him and his friend stole the robot from the circus and ran away from… something?” Galus reasoned.
“Is it what they’re running from, class, or what they’re running towards that’s really important?” Discord hummed absently as he drove through space and time. “That was a serious question, and if you figure out the answer feel free to enlighten me.”
“Hmmm,” Slapstick the Two Faced Clown looked over the lifeless shell of a metal unicorn filly, “Why did we bring this thing again?”
“I brought you because you said you could wake her up,” the freak growled menacingly.
“Yeah,” the doppelganger rubbed his head with one hoof, “I mean, it’s some pretty scary spellwork, but in theory deactivating it should be *way* easier than casting it in the first place. Whoever did this… they were way past anywhere I’ll *ever* be. Probably even past Sunrise...”
“But you can do it?” The freak pawed at the earth in anticipation.
“You’re a weird one, ya know.” Slapstick shook his head, as he examined the invisible arcane matrix surrounding the lifeless automaton. “Three years you go without talking. Had half of us guessin’ you was touched in head. Mute as a simple hooves. Right up until we pulled this thing out of that old bunker. That’s when we first realized you could talk at all ya know. Because we caught you talking to a dormant steel heart foal in the middle of the night.”
“Can you or can’t you?”
“I’m working on it, keep your snakes in you mouth.” The doppelganger snapped back. “I like to talk while I work… So finally you get all chatty with the one pony in the whole damned circus that can’t even hear you. Then out of the blue, you steal the damned thing and talk me into skipping out with ya in the middle of the night… Ya know, for all we know, that weird flaming head thing was just some new magic trick Sunrise worked out, and we just panicked and alienated the whole damn circus for no good rea… woah…”
Slapstick lept back as a pale green glow erupted from the automaton’s eyes and it stood under its own power, “Crusader MK SB 978 is coming online… time elapsed since last systems check, 215 years, 5 months, and 21 days… Rebooting primary sentience program…”
“She’s alive.” The freak smiled broadly. “I knew it!”
“So… that was the moment they really met?” Ocellus smiled a little.
“Yes, a happy little moment in an unhappy world,” Discord’s voice was uncharacteristically serious. “But you can’t have heros without a conflict. Hold on to your lunches class, Fluttershy is NOT going to be happy with our next stop on this field trip.”
“Hey...boss,” Slapstick shuffled his hooves nervously.
“Yeah, what’s up?” The nameless monstrosity tossed his head back and flashed a friendly smile.
“There is a 91.2% chance of a goodbye.” Bullette crooned sadly from her perch.
“Yeah… your girl called it boss…” The doppelganger smiled awkwardly.
“I kinda saw it coming… look… if it’s about Sunrise and the circus, I’m sorry,” The mutant sighed, “I knew whatever that thing she was using in her act was evil… but I still just can’t believe what it did to her… to all of them…”
The clown faced doppel shrugged, “Sunrise was gone a long time ago… I shoulda seen it before you did really...I’m gonna miss her… but after all we saw tracking her back down… it ended like it had to. I think if there was anything left of their souls at that point… they would have thanked us for putting a stop to it.”
“Everything ends.” Bullette singsonged. “It is the nature of organic life.”
“Don’t be like that, little filly,” the clown grinned ridiculously wide, “Your uncle Slapstick is still gonna be out in the wide world of sporting events! He just…”
“It’s okay… I get it, you need some space.” The mutant nodded his bulbous head.
“Look if you two ever need me…” The doppler pawed the ground nervously.
“It’s okay. They were my friends too… before the damned Sun…”
“I’ll see you guys around then.” Slapstick smiled as he walked off into the settlement.
“We are never going to see Uncle Slapstick again, are we?” Bullette asked innocently.
“No, girl… no I don’t think we will.”
“Wait… we skipped the fight?” Smolder couldn’t hide the disappointment in her voice.
“I think we’ve seen enough already, and I’m sure I don’t want to see anymore ponies killing ponies.” Silverstream shook her head, her eyes moist.
“Yeah… somehow I don’t think they settled things with their old circus buddies with friendship lasers.” Gallus swallowed hard.
“Professor Discord,” Sandbar pleaded quietly, “Can we go back now… I don’t think Ocellus is taking this very well.”
“Ocellus is safe. Yona not let bad ponies hurt her friend.” Yona tried to comfort the young changeling as she huddled between her two friends sobbing wordlessly.
“Oh come on guys,” Smolder pleaded. “That one wasn’t so bad… just kinda sappy. I just wanna go back and see a little of the fight… I mean what was that ‘Sun’ they were talking about? Is that what messed up that village? Besides they’re the good guys, right? And they won, so how violent could it be?”
“I already told you,” Discord snapped, irritably, “I am not showing you that THING. Even I have standards, and I’m pretty sure I’m going to lose my chaperone privileges after this little outing as it is. But if you really want to see our glorious heroes in a fight so baddly…”
The bus took a sharp turn down and to the left.
“Stay back, Bullette, I got this.” The nameless monster leveled his glare on the three raiders. He only briefly registered that the red blur in his vision was more actual blood than rage. “I ain’t planning’ on walkin’ away from this… you shouldn’t either.”
“You fought a good fight, freak,” the leader, a red unicorn mare, replied with a sneer. “You could have just run off, we would have totally been too busy rounding up the little filly… ain’t like she’s your’s or nuthin’. Did you find her, like a stray dog? Maybe you got a thing for steel hearts? Or maybe a thing for foals?”
“Uh… boss…” A red maned, deep blue leatherwing stammered nervously.
“Hell, she’s a cutie, I’ll give ya that much, I’m betting we can get a pretty good deal on her in Murrage.” The mare chuckled viciously, ignoring her underling until she was interrupted by a loud mechanical clicking noise.
“Safety protocols suspended…” A clear autotuned voice rang out across the ashen waste. And impossibly large guns emerged from the chassis of a small, white metal filly. “Response level, ‘Cupcakes’ initiated. Termination of all designated targets is commencing.”
“It wasn’t you I was tryin’ to protect her from...” The monster sighed as he collapse into a heap and the wastes exploded into a cacophony of thunder.
“He wasn’t protecting her from the world,” Galus said thoughtfully as Smolder looked on in awe at the destruction, “He was protecting the world from her.”
“No,” Ocellus replied sadly, “He was protecting her from herself… or trying to. Pharanx did the same thing for us in the invasions… he fought harder so we wouldn’t have to…”
“Well now, it seems Bug Pony is paying attention to the lesson after all.” Discord hummed thoughtfully. “But I wonder is this a one way street? Let’s find out together, shall we?”
“I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna tell me she wasn’t just awesome.” Smolder grinned from ear fin to ear fin.
The bus careened further into the future as the students contemplated what they had just witnessed.
“I want to start by saying that we truly appreciate all you’ve done for this village,” Civil Service said with a not completely insincere smile.
“We are always glad to help, madame mayor,” Bullette crooned happily.
“They’re running us out of town, Bullette,” No Name huffed with a snort.
“Now that’s not true,” the mayor rolled her hoof and struggled to keep up her smile, “You really have… had a… net-positive impact… It’s just… we need time to recover?”
“Yeah, we get it.” The freak turned his back, bearing his precious cargo towards the settlement’s gates.
“I thought we were helping?” Bullette asked sadly. “I thought we were doing… good?”
“You have helped, dear,” The Mayor Struggled to reassure the little metal filly. “And you’re welcome back anytime you want to trade, or need a place to stay… for a night or two…”
“It’s okay Bulette… we still have to find your sisters, remember?” The freak smiled wanly over his shoulders.
“This is correct.” The filly calculated for a moment before turning to the mayor. “I am sorry we can not stay longer, but we have a very important quest. Gun Blossom and Metric Zoom are out there somewhere and we must find them. Goodbye, perhaps we shall return one day!”
Civil service let out a breath she didn’t realize she’d been holding in as the pair ride off into the wastes.
“Wow, so they… did whatever they did to help those ponies, and then they just said, ‘Don’t let the door hit you on the flank on the way out?’” Galus noted, perhaps a little bitterly, “Sounds like some ponies in our world…”
“And that’s it?” Ocellus watched sadly. “No matter how many ponies they help… they’re always going to be monsters?”
“Poor little Bug Pony,” Discord crooned, “One creature’s monster is another’s hero. I think you of all creatures would realize that little fact of the universe. Sometimes what it takes is real monsters to put it all in perspective…”
The bus pulled into a long, dark tunnel, and the students somehow knew the answer to the elusive friendship lesson was drawing near.
Friendship Always Wins in the End
“Yay! Pizza!” The little white automaton bounced excitedly, “I require pizza and video games for my nutritional and educational needs as a real, not-metal unicorn filly!”
“Welcome to Slapstick’s Pizza Circus, how many in… your… party?” The teenage mares voice cracked and faded entirely at the sight of the newest guests.
“We’re here to see…” The freak began, only to be interrupted by his tiny companion.
“Uncle Slapstick!” The little filly launched like a tiny white missile, knocking the clown-faced doppelganger to his haunches.
“Bullete Belle! You… haven’t grown an inch?” He shook his head quizzically and cast his gaze to the filly’s giant guardian. “Good to see ya again, big guy.” The Doppell’s smile was warm, genuine and welcoming. “What brings you back?”
“Just passing through.” The giant smiled. “We walked into Turves and saw the sign… hell I can’t tell her no when she wants to blow something up, how am I gonna tell her we ain’t got time to eat pizza with ‘Uncle Slapstick’.”
“Hell, you gotta meet the wife!” The Doppel laughed with enthusiasm, “Hey, Cheese Melt, you gotta get out here! It’s Bullette and the Big Guy!”
“What’s this?” A pretty, plump orange pegasus mare walked out of the kitchen, “You’re Slappy’s old partner? I’ve heard so much… you know he keeps a spot behind the bar open if you ever decide to settle down?”
“One day, maybe,” the freak chuckled.
“Is that Bullette?” The mare asked curiously, her eyes drawn to the tiny metal puppet dancing around her husband. “I thought she’d be older, the way Slappy told it?”
“Yeah…” No Name cleared his throat.
“Hey since your here…” Slapstick grinned widely, dropping into his carney persona, “HEY! How many of you colts and fillies are brave enough to take a free ice cream from the serpents from the mouth of the Legendary Nameless Beast of the waste?”
“Please don’t…” No Name pawed the ground in embarrassment as foals cheered and rushed forward.
“You know you love it big guy.” The Doppel grinned as his wife chuckled behind a hoof.
“Can I sing a song?” Bullete pleaded as she pranced.
“And a limited, one time only performance by Bullette Belle!” Slapstick continued flawlessly, “The Prettiest Little Killing Machine in the Ash!”
“I’m gonna get you back for this, I swear.” The mutant could only barely hide his smile.
As the Magic School bus pulled back into Equestrian reality Twilight Sparkle stood at the gates with a stern frown. “Discord, I don’t remember giving permission for a class field trip.”
“And as it turns out, I don’t remember asking permission… so that seems to have worked itself out,” the Lord of Chaos replied with an absent wave and a greasy smile.
“Well,” The Princess turned to the students with a cautious smile, “What did you learn today about friendship?”
“Yona learn pony friendship strong,” Yona asserted definitively, ”Even in worst times.”
“I think I learned that it’s never too late to start over,” Sandbar said thoughtfully.
“I learned that no matter how weird and different you are, you can always find friends who are willing to stand up, not only for you, but with you,” Silverstream noted dutifully.
“I learned that even if you come from a bad place, that doesn’t make you a bad creature,” Ocellus said with only a little bit of a sad sniffle, “And even if other creatures think you’re a monster, that doesn’t make the good you do count any less.”
“I guess I learned that real friends never really say good-bye,” Galus looked thoughtful, “Even if you go your separate ways, your friends are always out there… somewhere. And you’re just all waiting until you can get back together one day.”
“I learned that robots are AWESOME!” Smolder fluttered in the air in enthusiasm, before looking back and forth amongst her peers. “What? That was totally a friendship lesson!”
“Wow…” Twilight smiled nervously. “Good job. I admit I was nervous giving you this kind of responsibility, Discord, but it looks like you really got through to them. Where did you take them anyway?”
“Oh just somewhere over the rainbow…” Discord responded whimsically.
Unseen by all, the sun smiled and winked.
“I didn’t think you two would make it for the funeral, Bell,” an elderly yellow and red, insectoid clown-pony sighed softly, “I’m glad you did…”
“STRANGER DANGER! Step back ten paces or safety protocols will be enact...ed?” The little metal filly jumped in alarm quickly settling down into mild, sad confusion as she recognized the pony behind her. “Candy Corn? You are old?!?!” The filly’s voice trembled with confusion.
“Time does that to a pony Bully,” the stallion chuckled, “Well most ponies anyway… you’re as cute as the day I stole your first kiss. Heh, I knew I shoulda listened to dad.”
Bullette blushed at the suddenly fresh memory. “My first kiss should not have been a kiss goodbye!” The filly huffed cutey before becoming somber once more. “I will miss Uncle Slapstick.”
“How do you do that, Bully?” The old stallion smiled wistfully. “How do you stay so young on the inside, given everything you and Uncle No Name have seen. I swear, even if he hasn’t aged a day, one look in his eyes and you just know that this is the oldest pony you’re ever gonna meet… but you…”
“My soul-matrix can only process ten years of memory at any given time.” Bullette explained carefully. “I have developed contextual subroutines to make sure that the events remembered are non-linearly related to the current circumstance.”
“So you can remember everything… but only ten years at a time of it?” Candy smiled. “I almost envy that, girl.”
“Error. I cannot remember everything.” Bullette corrected. “I have deleted all files concerning a mare name Sunrise Flare, except for her name and the location of her grave. It is sad place #237. I do not know why I deleted those files… I have tried to ask No Name, but talking about her only makes him cry… a lot.”
“I can see that… dad talked to me alot about that before he passed.” The elderly stallion bowed his head. “It’s funny, ya’lls adventures were always something he’d talk about ‘when I was older’... then we never talked about it… until the last few months.”
“No Name says we should remember where we came from… but I erased those files,” the filly replied sadly.
“Sometimes it’s easier to remember being told than living it,” Candy Corn said with a sigh, “I think this is how dad would have wanted it… he left something for me to pass down to you. Nine hells… sit down little filly… I’ma tell you the story of how you were found…”
Author's Note
Last chapter, this time for real! A sequel cometh! “The Cost of a Sunrise”. Just what DID go down between No Name, Slapstick, Sunrise and that circus?
“So when are you two gonna get married and settle down?” Slapstick smiled as he swayed uneasily on his barstool.
“That’s not funny.” The snake-tongued mutant glared at his friend.
“What?” The doppel shrugged. “She’s obviously crazy about ya, and honestly, when a pony looks like you do, and a female of any species doesn’t run away in sheer terror, you buy a ring.”
“Dude,” the mutant deadpanned, “She’s like ten.”
“Okay,” the clown steadied himself against the bar as he made his case, “I know you two lose track of little things, like oh say just how long it’s been… but I started a business got married and have foals of my own who I have to warn not to get a crush on Bullette.”
“What’s your point, Slaps?” The giant narrowed his eyes dangerously.
“All I’m saying, dude, is she’s a robot, you're a crime against nature, and she’s been ‘like ten’ for a LONG time… OW!” Slapstick exclaimed suddenly as a skeeball rebounded of the back of his head.
“DON’T MAKE IT WEIRD!” A tiny mechanical filly screamed agrilly.
“What in the nine hells?” Slapsticks ears pinned to his head as the trio walked through the seemingly deserted settlement. “Do ya figure it was raiders?”
“I’ve never seen raiders that gave ponies guns to put in their own mouths.” No Name’s snake’s darted from his mouth at full alert. “Or encouraged them to go to sleep with plastic bags on their heads.”
“We should not be here.” The tiny, white automaton’s autotuned voice rang out from her perch on the giant’s back. “I calculate an 89% chance that we will find nothing happy here.”
“Sunshine, sunshine, happy summer days!” An eerie voice rang out. “Bright times, good times, all the fillies play!”
“Are you alright, ma’am?” Slapstick approached the source of the song, an elderly earth-pony mare.
“All the little foals went off to the circus.” The green old mare turned to face the rtio with a blank stare and a sickly smile. “They’d never seen a sunrise before…”
“We should not be here.” Bullette repeated with greater urgency.
“”Who would have thought a sunrise could cost so much?” The mare giggled maniacally, before a horrified sob escaped past her manic smile. “Please kill me before the song starts again…”
“No no no no no…” Ocellus sobbed uncontrollably.
“What could do that?” Silverstream seemed to lose just a little of her color as she watched the scene unfold.
“Yak… not know…” The normally enthusiastic yak was suddenly at a loss for words.
“Wait… did that mare say circus?” Galus looked sick to his stomach as his mind put pieces in place. “As in the same circus they ran away from? Just what is it they saw that scared them so bad? I mean, it’s a giant, hideously deformed circus freak, a killer robot, and a changeling clown… and somehow they weren’t the scary part?”
“Oh no,” Discord tsked, “There’s no way I’m showing you THAT! I’m going to be in enough trouble as it is.”
“Not complaining at all.” Sandbar observed dryly, recieving a mute nod of agreement from Silverstream as the bus thankfully vanished once more into the abyss of time.
“You are a good pony.” The little autotuned voice chirped over the winds of the ash-storm outside the tent.
“No, Bullette,” the freak responded dully, “I’m not. A good pony stands up for he believes in… he doesn’t run away.”
“I have calculated all of the variables, and you could not have saved her.” Bullette Bell crooned, “It makes me sad to see you like this. Please stop crying.”
“I know I couldn’t save her, girl,” The giant grunted, “That never mattered anyways. Sunrise was the one who took me in. Her circus gave me a home. Nine hells, she was there when I found you… she always thought she could save me. It hurts that she was wrong.”
“You do not need saving.” The white filly shook her head. “If you did then I would save you, because that is what you have taught me.”
“A good pony doesn’t hide,” a lone snake spoke as it emerged from the twisted ponies mouth, “A good pony doesn’t run away like a thief when his friends need him.”
“You are very bad at hide and seek.” Bullette insisted. “I can replay the statistics of all our past games to show you that you have never really hidden. My calculations suggest that you are not mentally capable of that act.”
“The storm will be over soon girl.” The monster sighed. “We should get a little sleep…”
“They’re like a family…” Silverstream noted.
“Well, except they’re not… their real families are long gone.” Sandbar noted somberly.
“Ponies are friends.” Yona cocked her head to one side in thought.
“Okay, yeah,” Smolder rolled a claw. “They kick flank, and then they get all sappy about it. Total pony friendship.”
“So… the incredibly traumatizing lesson you’re trying to teach here is that the more things change the more they stay the same?” Galus chimed in.
“Friendship…” Discord quipped, “...Friendship never changes.”
“But did they ever make a difference?” Ocellus asked in sad and desperate tones.
“Finally a smart question!” Discord grinned suddenly giving the wheel a sudden snatch. “Let’s find out!”
The Faithful and the Unclean
“She’ll be… taken care of?” The filly’s father asked with trepidation, looking nervously at the town Meister
“She will be treated with all the respect of the royalty potential in her soul,” the sickly priest answered drawing a happy nod from the settlement’s leader, “And in return, we will surrender more than enough in trade to pull your village through two winters.”
“Daddy,” the filly pleaded in mortal terror, “I don’t like these ponies… I want to go home…”
“What the hell is this?” The freak stumbled into the meeting, obviously inebriated and having listened in on more than was any business of his or his companion’s.
“Unclean!” The priest shouted. “THIS is the corruption we fight to cleanse from the world! This abomination is why we need a new Empress!”
“Six designated targets detected.” A small, white, metal filly stirred sleepily from her place on the giant’s back, guns whirring mechanically into place.
“This is no business of your’s outlander!” The Town Meister snapped.
“Seven targets detected.” Bullette corrected herself. “Request permission…”
An orange serpent sprung from the freak’s mouth, looking the gangly grey priest in the eyes, “Safety Protocols disengaged, Bullette. Threat level Chocolate Bran Muffins authorized.”
“Prepare for final internal evacuation.” The filly smilled wicked as her autotuned voice rang out through the hall.
The surrounding settlements would never again so much as considered trading goods for fillies. They would never dare.
“So there is no happy ending,” Ocellus noted saddly, “Because it’s really like he said and it never really ends.”
“Oh don’t be sad,” Discord smiled warmly, “Maybe it never ends… but that doesn’t mean the end of happiness…”
