Hearts & Hooves & Ogres & Oubliettes
Spike straightened his dungeon master’s screen for the fourth time. He looked at the grand table at the center of Twilight’s castle, then grinned and rubbed his claws together. “Oh, yeah. This is gonna be good.” The character sheets were in place. The dice were scattered across the table. The battle mat was decorated in Spike’s signature crayon drawings. All that was missing was…
“Finally!” Discord shouted, appearing in a flash of confetti and wafting like a flat piece of paper down onto Twilight’s throne. “Now that all that lovey-dovey Hearts and Hooves nonsense is out of the way, we can get back to what really matters.”
Spike chuckled and pointed a claw. “If it’s nonsense, then why was Fluttershy acting all giddy last week when she–”
His mouth disappeared in a puff of smoke.
Discord stretched his neck skin out like a shirt. “No reason.” He fanned himself with his paw. “Is it hot in here, or is it just my blood boiling from the call to adventure?”
Spike crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes.
“And where in Equestria is Big Mac, anyway?” Discord snapped his fingers, and Spike’s mouth returned. “Don’t tell me he’s off with that…” His body spun at an impossible pace, and when he stopped, he was wearing a frilly pink dress and bonnet and holding a shepherd’s hook. “Little Bo Sweet or whatever her name is.”
Spike gasped for breath, but he caught himself and waved a claw. “Nah. I think he’s just picking up his friend. He said he knew someone that wanted to play with us.” He sharpened a new pencil with his claw. “Kind of last minute, but hey! The more the merrier, right?”
“Oooh, delightful!” Discord said, clacking his claws. “Is it Thunderlane?” He snapped his fingers and transformed into an exact replica of Thunderlane, except he kept his characteristic yellow-and-red eyes. “Or maybe Shining Armor?” With each pony he named, he transformed into them and struck a dashing pose. “Caramel? Hoity Toity? Donut Joe? Dusk Shine if he’s into that whole rule sixty-three thing?”
Spike turned his head to the side. “Rule sixty what now?”
Discord returned to his usual form. “You’ll learn when you’re older.” He twirled a claw, and the polyhedral dice floated in intricate patterns above his head. “Whoever this pony is, he’d better be cool. Guys’ Night is an esteemed institution with a long history.” With a flick of his claw, the twenty-sided die rolled onto the table and landed on twenty. “So I’m expecting a critical hit with this new party member.”
The door to the throne room creaked open. Spike perked up, but his frills quickly flattened against his head. “I, uh… think it might be a critical miss, instead.” He pointed to the door.
There stood Big Mac with a strained grimace on his face, and next to him, looking around innocently, was Sugar Belle. Big Mac was sweating, and he waved stiffly. “Uh… Evenin’.”
“There you are!” Discord shouted as he snaked his way over to the two of them. He sat on his tail in front of Sugar Belle. “Thank you for escorting Big McIntosh here. I was worried he’d finally fallen for that oblivion sphere trap I keep hiding in his cupboards.”
Sugar Belle’s eyes went wide. “Wh–”
Discord extended his arms wide. “Now we just need this other stallion he’s brought with him, and we can get started!” He disappeared in a flash and reappeared, leaning on Big Mac. “Or, even better, let’s get started, and he can catch up when he gets here. Time’s a-wasting, and not all of you are immortal.”
Big Mac swallowed and looked back as Sugar Belle. “Uh…”
“You simply must tell me who he is, though! If there’s a stallion that you think is cool enough to hang with us, he’ll certainly have to pass muster.”
Big Mac shuffled his hooves.
Discord punched him lightly on the shoulder. “Oh, none of this timidness, Sir McBiggun!” There was a flash of light, and Discord wore his gaming costume: a ranger’s outfit, completely with obnoxiously long, flowing hair. “We’ll need all your courage to storm the castle and retake the Dark Gem of Finkleton’s Shame.”
Spike went stiff, then hunched over and grit his teeth. “Discord! Did you read my notes?”
“Pfft. You’re just getting predictable.” Discord turned back to Big Mac. “So where is he?”
Big Mac hesitated one more time, and Sugar Belle stepped forward. “Actually, I’m the one that asked Big Mac to play tonight.”
Discord’s expression flattened. Literally. “You’re joking.”
Big Mac forced a smile. “Uh… Nnnope. I think it’d be f-fun to try–”
Discord teleported back to Sugar Belle. He templed his hands and loomed over her. “Excuse us for one moment.” He snapped his fingers, and everything in the universe faded to a greyish-blue. Nothing moved except for Discord, Big Mac, and Spike. Discord glared and snarled at Big Mac.
Big Mac took a breath and looked up at him, clenching his jaw. “Yes?”
Discord floated in front of his face. “What is wrong with you, Big Mac? It’s Guys’ Night!”
Spike began to dance. “Oh yeah! It’s Guys’–”
“Not now, you little whelp.” He flicked his claw, and Spike flew backwards with a “Whah!” Flatly, Discord said, “The grown-ups are talking.” He took a deep breath and made quotation marks with his fingers for emphasis. “Big Mac, you do remember that this is ‘Guy’s Night,’ correct?”
Looking everywhere but at Discord, Big Mac cleared his throat. “Eeyup.”
“And does this girlfriend of yours seem like a guy to you?”
Big Mac furrowed his brows. “Well, I think she’d–”
There was a flash of light. Big Mac and a disoriented Spike sat at desks in a small classroom. Discord wore glasses and a smart-looking brown jacket, and he held chalk in one claw. He breathed a deep breath. “Big Mac, you’re a farmer. I would expect you to know the difference between males and females.” He turned to the chalkboard. “But if I must educate you on the subject, then so be it.” He turned and started drawing.
Big Mac leapt up and latched onto Discord’s arm. “Hey now! Spike’s too young for that!”
Discord brushed Big Mac’s hoof away. “Fine, but he’ll need to learn sooner or later, and better from me than on the street.” He shuddered. “Snips and Snails have some truly bizarre ideas about anatomy, and that’s coming from me.”
There was another flash of light, and they were back in the castle while time stood still.
Spike rubbed his head, and his eyes finally settled. “Discord, maybe we could just try it?”
Discord’s neck bent backwards to look at him. “Oh, not you, too!”
Big Mac stepped up to him. “Give her a chance, Discord. She’s real eager to play. It would mean a lot to me, especially since–”
Discord blew a whistle. “I don’t want to hear it.” He settled onto Twilight’s throne and groaned, “Fine. Let’s just get this over with.” With another snap of his fingers, time unfroze.
Big Mac rushed to Sugar Belle, who held her head. “What happened?”
He brushed her mane. “It, uh, takes some gettin’ used to.”
Sugar Belle shrugged and nuzzled him. “Well, I’m not worried. I’m sure Sir McBiggun will keep me safe.”
Discord stood up and slammed his fists onto the table. “Are we playing or what?” he shouted.
Bodies pressed together, Big Mac and Sugar Belle made their way to the table, where Big Mac scooted a chair to be right next to her. They giggled to each other and nodded at Spike. Discord rolled his eyes and set his chin in his paw.
Spike stood up and cast his claws over the table in a dramatic gesture. “You arrive just outside Finkleton’s Keep. The dark tower looms over you, high into the sky, but you know from your previous adventures that something powerful is inside. The city’s walls haven’t been open to visitors in decades, and noone that goes in ever comes out. You’re outside in the bushes.” Cheerfully, he gestured to Discord. “That’s your cue, buddy!”
Rolling his eyes, Discord lazily snapped his fingers.
The world seemed to grow as the four of them elongated and were transported into the world of the game. The battle mat grew to life size proportions, filled with ponies and scenery all claw-drawn by Spike and brought to life by the magic of chaos. Blue light surrounded Spike, transforming him into the wizard Garbunkle. Black armor phased into reality and snapped onto Big Mac’s body, and a unicorn horn grew on his head, making him into the mighty Sir McBiggun. Beautiful golden tendrils surrounded Discord, and when they disappeared, he was changed to the dashing Captain Wuzz.
Sugar Belle had to dress herself in some beggers’ rags that appeared at her hooves.
Big Mac grunted and glared at Discord, who feigned offense. He crossed his arms and said matter-of-factly, “She hasn’t played before, so she’s level one and has no starting equipment. It’s only fair.”
With a sneer, Big Mac flared his horn to life and raised his broadsword.
But he felt a soft hoof on his shoulder. Sugar Belle comforted him. “It’s alright, Big Mac. Those are the rules.” She cuddled him. “I’ll be fine. I just like playing with you all.”
Discord blew a raspberry. “Good, and no complaining if you drop to zero hit points. If you stay out of my way, maybe I’ll use a potion on you.”
Spike waved them over to a small cluster of bushes, and they surveyed the scene: twelve heavy earth pony infantry stood in front of the only gate into the walled city. A skeletal unicorn mage sat reading atop one corner of the wall, and pegasus archers patrolled around the parapets, keeping a vigilant watch. One of the archers perked up and looked directly towards the party of adventurers.
At once, all four of them ducked back down into the bushes, and the words “Stealth Check” appeared in glowing letters above their heads. Spike groaned, “Please let me roll well, just this once.”
A mad jumble of colorful numbers flashed above their heads as each of them attempted to hide. The sounds of dice knocking on the wooden table rang through the countryside, and one at a time, the numbers settled on the players’ results.
Discord: 25
Spike: 18
Sugar Belle: 16
The three of them breathed a sigh of relief as their numbers came up green, and Spike said, “Great, so it looks like we… Wait, what did Big Mac get?”
They all turned their heads with an audible creak. Big Mac stood there, grimacing, with a big, red, flashing “2” above his head.
The pegasus archer shouted, “Wait, who’s that?”
Spike slapped his face. “Stupid heavy armor penalties.”
Discord held up a claw and quickly shouted, “I use my Ranger class feature to grant him advantage on the roll.”
The numbers flashed above Big Mac’s head again, along with the word “Advantage.” He held his breath until a green “17” appeared. Big Mac chuckled, wiped the sweat from his brow, and dove back behind the bushes. “Heh heh. Thanks, Captain.”
Discord snorted. “Don’t get all soft. It makes my job easier if our canned meathead doesn’t get himself captured.” He grabbed Big Mac and Spike and pulled them into a huddle. “That mage at the corner looks squishy. I bet I can peg him with a few arrows and take him down in one round.”
Spike shook his head. “Out in the open like that? No way. He’s got to have a Deflect Missile spell up.” He pointed his staff at Big Mac. “How about this? I cast Levitate and get you up on the parapets. If you can get in the mage’s face, you can keep him from casting long enough for us to clean up the ground forces.”
“Eeyup!” Big Mac said. “And if I can take him out quick, you can Levitate me high enough to start whackin’ down those little mosquitoes.”
Discord smiled. “And I can keep the ground forces distracted. There’s no way they can keep up with Captain Wuzz.” He clapped his claws together. “Perfect! So we’re agreed. On three, we’ll–”
“Wait.” Big Mac held up a hoof. “Can’t we get Sugar Belle to help?”
Spike gulped. “I, uh… think she’s already figured something out.”
The guys turned to see Sugar Belle strolling up to the gate.
Big Mac’s eyes went wide. “Sugar? SUG–” A zipper closed on his mouth.
A devious smile curled around Discord’s face. “Now now, Big Mac. She wanted to play. We should let her try it out.” He relaxed back into a beach chair that appeared from nowhere and sipped an equally improbable coconut drink. “This’ll be good.”
Big Mac unzipped his mouth, eyes dark, and he whispered, “Be careful, Sugar.”
One of the guards pointed a spear at Sugar Belle. “Who goes there?”
Sugar Belle feigned shock. “Oh, I’m sorry. I’m just a traveling baker.”
Quietly, Discord narrowed his gaze and raised an eyebrow. “Baker? Seriously?” He hissed at Big Mac. “She can be any class in the game, and she chooses her day job?”
Big Mac grunted and responded with a harsh whisper. “Let her play.”
Sugar Belle continued. “My friends and I need to get into the city right away. It’s very important.”
The words “Persuasion Check” flashed above her head, and the numbers began to roll by. The three adventurers in the bushes watched, eyes wide (though only one of them wore an expectant smile).
A green “19” flashed above her head.
Big Mac and Spike sighed and smiled. Discord sneered and waved a claw. “She got lucky. Anyone can roll well once in a while.”
Another one of the guards stepped up to her. “That’s very unfortunate, miss, but we can’t let you in. There has been some trouble in Finkleton lately, and outsiders cannot be trusted.”
“Well,” Sugar Belle began, standing a little stiffer. “Finkleton always opens its doors to weary travelers, right?”
“History Check” appeared above her head, and a moment later, a red “4” flashed above her.
Discord leaned forward, one claw on each of his compatriots. “Ooh! See? She’s doomed! I’ve got 3-to-1 odds that the archers take her out first.”
The first guard snorted and said, “Well, that might have been the case, but–”
Big Mac readied himself to charge to her aid, but he stopped when Sugar Belle tapped her chin and asked, “And wasn’t it Lady Rarioso Finkleton that commanded that her gates always be open to the needy? She was the most generous ruler the land has ever known, after all.” The word “Advantage” flashed above her head, and after the reroll, a green “12” appeared.
Discord gasped. “No fair! How in Tartarus did she do that?”
Spike clasped his claws together, and his eyes twinkled like stars. “Someone finally read my campaign notes!”
Big Mac smiled dreamily and settled back into the bushes.
The second guard took a half-step back. “She does have a point. The captain told us to be true to our honor, regardless of what the current leadership says.”
The first guard nodded. “I suppose. Miss, you may enter.”
Sugar Belle bowed. “Thank you, kind knight. Oh! And can my friends come with me?”
Ten spears flashed out, all pointed towards Sugar Belle. The first guard growled, “You didn’t say you had friends with you!”
Sugar Belle giggled. “I didn’t want to make you paranoid. It’s just my boyfriend and his friends. Nothing to worry about. We’re just here to rest.” The words “Deception Check” flashed, and she rolled a green 15.
Discord seethed. “This is utter bull–”
Big Mac popped out of the bush, and quickly announced, “Uh, S-Sir McBiggun, of Castle Chadwick, here to serve Finkleton!”
“Deception Check, Advantage” flashed. He rolled a green 15.
Spike followed suit. “A-and Garbunkle! His trusty sidekick!”
“Persuasion Check, Advantage” resulted in a 21.
Spike snorted. “Wait, persuasion?” He shook a fist at his result. “I’m not his sidekick!”
Sugar Belle called out, “You can come out now, Captain Wuzz.”
Discord grumbled, “I don’t want to.”
Sugar Belle turned to the guards. “You’ll have to excuse him. He’s a bit huffy today.”
“I’m not huffy!” For a moment, Discord grew twelve stories tall and loomed over the fields, which had burst into towering flames.
Shielding his face, Big Mac shouted up at him, “Discord! Remember what we said about breaking character?”
“Ugh!” Discord shrank back to his usual size, and the scenery returned to relative normalcy. “You never let me have any fun.” He slumped and sneered as he walked past his friends and into the gate. “Let’s go. The sooner we can get this over with, the sooner we can put this little experiment to bed.”
They walked cautiously through the gates of Finkleton’s Keep, right into the town square and its marketplace. The stalls were open, and ponies exchanged goods and bits everywhere. However, something in the air felt stale, electric. Ponies clearly worked very hard not to pay the new adventurers any heed, and each of them had a certain woodenness to the way they walked, and not just because they were living crayon drawings on cardboard. The townsponies kept looking over their shoulders to see the archers glaring at them, whereupon they’d quickly finish their business and move to the next stall.
Big Mac stepped lightly. “Somethin’ doesn’t seem right.”
Discord rolled his eyes, still slumped over. “Duh. You don’t need insight proficiency to see that.”
Spike held his staff close. “This is weird. I’m not sure what to do.”
Discord threw his arms in the air. “What do you mean? You’re the one that wrote the scenario! So let’s skip all this intrigue nonsense and get on with the adventure!”
Spike stopped and scratched his head. “Yeah, but I wrote it assuming we’d all fight the guards outside and that the ponies inside would panic. I don’t know what’s going to happen now. I guess it could be anything.”
Discord’s eyes lit up, and little hearts floated out of his ears before turning into flying toasters. “Finally! Something chaotic! Now we can go–”
“Shopping,” Big Mac interrupted. He pulled on Discord’s cloak and pointed them towards Sugar Belle, who perused a flower stand. Big Mac walked up to her while Discord contained himself in a magical, soundproof bubble and screamed.
Big Mac saddled up next to Sugar Belle and threw a foreleg around her. “Does thon lady desire a gentle token of this humble knight’s affection?”
Sugar Belle giggled. “I suppose I could borrow some money if you don’t mind. My inventory is a little empty.”
Big Mac bowed theatrically and gave her a hefty pouch full of gold coins. “Anything for you, my fair lady.”
She bowed back, stifling a laugh. “Thank you, kind knight.” She turned back to the flower vendor. “Are these fresh daffodils?”
The vendor nodded, gestured, and said, “They sure are! Best of the bunch.”
Sugar Belle examined them more closely. “Saffron strain, I presume?”
The vendor nodded, gestured, and said, “They sure are! Best of the bunch.”
“Grown in a northern-facing plot of land?”
“They sure are! Best of the bunch.”
“And harvested when the moon was three-quarters full?
“They sure are! Best of the bunch.”
Big Mac stood behind her, grating his teeth and trying to force a smile, until Spike pulled him aside. Big Mac looked over his shoulder, then to the other guys. “Uh, what is it?”
Discord poked his chest. “Big Mac, Spike and I have had a very long, very… intense discussion.”
Big Mac cocked his head to the side. “When?”
“Don’t worry about that.” Discord waved a claw. “The point is, we’ve been more than patient with you bringing your little girlfriend along for the game. I daresay I’ve been an absolute paragon of hospitality, but in addition to spoiling our fun outside the gate, now she’s wasting all our time on shopping. We’ve had enough!”
Big Mac frowned. “She got us into the city, though.”
Discord stuck his paw-finger against Big Mac’s nose and loomed over him. “But it wasn’t our way. Don’t you see? We’re not even playing the game at all! You’re just letting her drag us around behind her.”
Big Mac grunted. “Well, maybe if you’d give her half a chance, it’d open your eyes a little.” He turned to Spike. “Back me up, little buddy.”
Spike looked down and poked two claws together. “Discord’s… got a point, Big Mac.”
Big Mac took a half-step back and neighed softly. “What?”
Spike shrugged. “We were supposed to have a battle outside the city. It was supposed to lead to a fight through the town and a big, epic confrontation in the city square, and now…” He pointed behind him to a calm, if uneasy city.
Big Mac sulked. “Fighting isn’t always the answer.”
Discord stomped his goat hoof. “Well, it is now! We’re done waiting around, Big Mac. Players before mares, that’s the Guys’ Night code!”
Big Mac interjected. “But what about that time Rainbow Dash and–”
“Pfft, that was a one-shot, and they both got too distracted anyway.” He stood menacingly on the opposite side of Big Mac. “So who’s it gonna be, hm?” he asked with his balled fists on his hips. He leaned down and pointed at Sugar Belle. “That newcomer who spends all her time trying to buy ingredients for her pies or whatever, or a fun adventure with your real friends?”
Big Mac felt his eyes water. “You’re... really makin’ me choose between–”
“Too slow!” Discord snapped his fingers, and the three of them were enveloped in a puff of smoke. Big Mac and Spike coughed and wheezed, and Discord pulled out his bow. “See? Problem solved.”
The other two got their bearings: they stood at a crossroad between two long corridors made of hewn stone and lit with torches. The hallways in front of them and behind them led to stairs going up, and in the halls to their left and right were stairs leading down. Loud hoofsteps stomped several floors above them, and Big Mac instinctively drew his sword with his magic.
Spike straightened his hat. “Where are we?”
Discord waved him off. “Eh, somewhere in the dungeon. That's all that matters.”
Big Mac shook his head around. “Sugar Belle? Sugar Belle!”
“Don't worry about her,” Discord said, aiming his arrow at a stairway. “We can finally have some fun!”
Big Mac gasped. “She's gonna think I abandoned her.” He wiped a tear from his eye. “She'll think I don't wanna be around her!”
Discord rolled his eyes. “It's just a game. She'll be fine.”
Big Mac’s broadsword clattered to the floor, and he stood motionless.
Spike took a tentative step. “Uh, you okay?”
Big Mac whipped around. “What is wrong with you?” he shouted at Discord.
“Meeeeeee?” Discord responded, gesturing at his chest. He batted his eyes playfully. “You’re the one that… What are you doing?”
With tears in his eyes, Big Mac’s horn flared to life, and he levitated his broadsword. “Die, evildoer!” He slashed his sword in a wide arc.
“Jeez!” Discord shouted, bending his serpentine body to narrowly dodge the swipe. “Have you lost your mind?”
“It’s just a game, right? So we don’t have to care about anyone’s feelings!” He swung again, clipping a few of Discord’s hairs from his wig. With each word, he swiped again, and Discord narrowly dodged each swing. “It’s just! A stupid! Game!”
The sword finally connected. “Yeouch!” Discord shouted as a red “-22” appeared in red above his head. “Careful! That hurt!”
Spike froze. “Wait, what?”
“Just a game!” Big Mac roared back. “So what’s it matter?”
“What do you mean ‘hurt’?”
Discord grabbed an arrow and aimed at Big Mac. “Big mistake, Sir McBiggun. You should know better than to cross–”
“STOP!” Spike shouted, casting a time spell on the two of them. They stopped moving just as Discord’s arrow loosed and Big Mac made a slash for Discord’s neck. Their faces were twisted in anger. “Discord, I thought your magic was preventing us from getting hurt for real? So how could you have felt Big Mac’s sword?”
Otherwise frozen, Big Mac and Discord’s eyes widened.
Spike’s knees shook, and he said, “Okay. Okay. We need to figure this out. I’ll let you go, but you have to promise not to hurt each other.”
Big Mac and Discord grunted through unmoving jaws.
“I’ll take that as a yes.” He dispelled his enchantment, and Big Mac and Discord caught their breath as the arrow clinked harmlessly off Big Mac’s armor.
Discord tried snapping his fingers, but nothing happened. “What in Equestria is going on here?” He whipped his head around to Spike. “Why isn’t my magic working? Is this some kind of trick?”
Spike thoguht for a moment. “Hm… We’re deep in the dungeon, and if we’re close to the end of…” His expression dropped. “Oh no.”
Discord stomped up to him, his footfalls masked by the ones a floor above him. “What’s going on?”
Spike forced a broken smile. “I… might have put a dark Changeling stone into the final treasure room to keep you from cheating at the puzzle again.”
Discord bristled. “What!?”
“Sorry!” Spike pulled his hat over his head. “It wasn’t supposed to happen like this! You weren’t supposed to lose your powers until we had to figure out the final puzzle!”
“So we’re stuck here?” Discord turned and pointed a finger at Big Mac. “This is your fault, you know.”
“Mine!?” Big Mac shouted. He jabbed a hoof back at Discord. “You’re the one that couldn’t wait to find some danger and cheated your way through half the game!”
Spike stomped. “Don’t you two start again!” He pointed his staff at at door. “Look, here’s what we do: we get to the treasure room, solve the puzzle, and the stone will break. It’ll be easy. After all, we’ve beaten the Squizard, the Swamp Witch, and tons of other villains!”
“But!” came a voice from down the hallway. The three heroes turned behind them to see a gaunt earth pony in black robes. He held a smoky, magic orb, which he rubbed maniacally. “You’ve never faced the dark artifice of Lord Finkleton! GUARDS!”
Finkleton rubbed his smoky orb, and with a flash, all four hallways were full of zombie ponies in rotting leather armor. Spike, Big Mac, and Discord leapt together, back to back to back, and quickly surveyed the moaning hordes.
Spike hyperventilated and could barely speak. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry I put us into this mess!”
Discord laughed. “Are you kidding? We can finally have some fun!” He drew his bow and aimed it at a zombie. Over his shoulder, he said, “All is forgive, Sir McBiggun. Let’s skewer these noponies.”
Big Mac stuttered as he took up a battle stance. “Uh…” Shaking off his fear, he hovered his broadsword in front of him for a defensive parry. “Right! For Sugar Belle!”
“Yeah, whatever.” Discord looked over to Spike. “Got a Gust of Wind readly, Garbunkle?”
Shaking, Spike readied his staff. “I think so!”
Finkleton shouted from the back lines, “Charge!”
Discord smirked. “Good. We’ll tear through these rotten leftovers in no time.” He drew his bow as they rolled initiative. “It’ll be easy as pie.”
It wasn’t.
Spike and Discord woke up 1d4 hours later, their bodies wracked with pain and their limbs chained up to a wall. They sat in complete darkness, and each could only see a dim, pulsing message that read “Danger: 1 Hit Point” above their own head. They each reached for their equipment, only to find it had been taken away.
Spike groaned. “I told you not to risk so many opportunity attacks.”
Discord snarled, “Well, if someone had any idea how to flank a mindless zombie, I wouldn’t have had to.” He grumbled into the darkness, “I’m talking about you, Big Mac. At least have the decency to sound insulted.”
They didn’t hear anything.
Spike went rigid. “You there, big guy?”
They still didn’t hear anything.
Spike gasped. “Discord. Y-y-you don’t think Big M-Mac… You d-don’t think he–”
“Oh, stop your sniveling,” Discord growled, pulling on his restraints and feeling them clench on his wrists. “He’s probably off with his little girlfriend picking posies or some nonsense.” He turned toward the sound of Spike’s breathing. “You can’t see it right now, but I’m making very sarcastic jazz hands.”
“Discord…”
“Why should I care if he’s gone, anyway? He broke the Guys’ Night code: players before mares. We have that rule specifically so things like this don’t happen. If he doesn’t care about keeping our night special, then he can jump off a cliff for all I care.”
Spike sniffled. “You don’t mean that, do you?”
“Of course I do. Maybe if his girlfriend wasn’t so lame, things might have been different, but come on! Talking to the guards outside? Buying flowers? It’s like she has no idea how to even play!”
Weakly, Spike replied, “She was having fun, Discord, and so was Big Mac. Did you see how happy there were to roleplay when he gave her that gold?”
“Roleplay, schmoleplay,” Discord snorted. “As far as I’m concerned, Big Mac can take his dice and shove them–”
The words “Perception Check” appeared above his head, followed by golden letters that spelled out “Natural Twenty.”
Discord’s ear perked up, and from across the room, he could hear a pat-pat.
Spike said softly, “What is it?”
“Shh,” Discord replied. “There, across the room. Do you hear it?”
Pat. Pat-pat.
Spike whispered, “It sounds like… dripping water?”
Pat.
Spike groaned. “Uh-oh.” He let out a deep breath and said, as gently as he could, “Hey, uh… You there, big guy?”
Discord and Spike listened carefully, and after a few long, tense moments, they heard a low voice whisper back, “Yeah.”
There was a long silence, then Discord said stiffly, “You can’t see it right now, but I’m making a very sincere, apologetic face.”
“Heh…” Big Mac huffed. “It’s no problem.”
None of them said anything for over a minute.
Pat-pat.
“Grr…” Discord rattled his arms in his chains. “Look, I’m sorry, okay? I overreacted. But you must admit that none of this would have happened if you’d just left well enough alone.”
Spike weakly said, “Discord…”
“Oh, don’t ‘Discord’ me.” He spoke towards Big Mac. “Why would you even bring her anyway? You know how intense our games get. She’s clearly not adventurer material, and besides, it’s Guys’ Night!”
Spike managed to call up a little anger. “Can you just lay off for–”
Discord snarled back, “Why should I? It’s not like–”
Big Mac’s low, clear voice cut through the darkness. “I wanted my friends to like her.”
Discord gasped slightly and coughed on some saliva. “Pardon?”
There was another long pause. Big Mac sighed. “I want you to like her, Discord, because you’re my friend.” After a few seconds, he continued. “Sugar Belle means the world to me. I love her more than I’ve ever loved anypony, but I love you guys, too.” His voice grew shaky. “I… I-I care what you guys think about her. I care about how you feel about a lot of stuff. You know that, right? I want all the most important ponies in my life to like each other, and I thought… I thought this might help bring you all closer.” He let out a rigid sigh. “But I was just bein’ foolish.”
Discord opened his mouth to speak, but he couldn’t make anything come out.
They sat there in the dark for several long moments.
Spike coughed and said, “Well… I like her, Big Mac. I like that she makes you happy, and that’s what matters to me.” He turned towards Discord. “You, too, right?”
Discord stuttered. “I–” He grunted and shrank. “I’m glad you’re happy, too. But! I want to be perfectly clear that I’m still mad at you for bringing someone to Guys’ Night without asking first. It...” He deflated, and he grew frustrated that he wasn’t deflating literally. “It feels like you’re choosing her over us.”
Big Mac swallowed a lump in his throat. “That’s fair. And I’m sorry. I should have asked, but please don’t worry. Just because I wanna to spend time with her doesn’t mean I wanna stop seeing you two. Forgive me?”
Discord paused. “Huh.”
Spike’s chains rattled as he turned towards Discord. “What?”
“Usually I’m the one asking for forgiveness. This feels odd, and not in a good way.”
Big Mac chuckled half-heartedly. “So?”
Discord sighed. “Forgiven. And… I hope you can forgive me, too. I should have tried to play with Sweetie Gong instead of assuming she was no fun.”
Spike added flatly, “It’s Sugar Belle.”
“Whatever. We cool, Sir McBIggun?”
Big Mac’s chains rattled as he wiped his eyes. “Eeyup.”
“Good.” Discord tried to look around to no avail. “I suppose I shouldn’t have worried about spending time together. It looks like it’s just the three of us, rotting away in a jail cell until Finkleton finds a use for us.”
“Oh no,” Spike said suddenly.
“What?” asked Big Mac.
Spike said lifelessly, “Finkleton’s plot is to drain the life away from his prisoners to fuel his war machines. And… he needs characters just like us to do it.”
There was a beat. Discord said, “Oh, goodie.”
In a reassuring voice, Big Mac said, “Stay calm, Spike. We’ll think of something.”
Spike was shaking, and his chains rattled. “How? We don’t have our equipment, we can’t use our abilities, and–”
There was a loud clunk. The three of them recoiled as light flooded in from the doorway, but as quickly as it opened, a pony-shaped figure slipped inside and closed it behind them. The three adventurers held their breath, their minds racing, but the stranger activated a sun rod and filled the small room with light.
Big Mac’s eyes lit up. “Sugar B–”
It was Finkleton.
“Son of a kobold!” Discord shouted.
Spike started screaming and flailing around, and as he did, Finkleton startled and said, “Oops! My bad,” in a breathy mare’s voice. “Sorry about that. One second.” Finkleton reached into a pouch at his hip, pulled out a berry, and popped it into his mouth. His form became wavy, and soon Sugar Belle stood in his place. “Hey there, colts.”
Spike reeled, Discord rolled his eyes, and Big Mac laughed. “I knew it was you. The way you stand with your hooves together is just so cute.”
“Aw, you’re sweet,” she said, sticking the sun rod into the wall. She walked over to Big Mac and examined the hoof cuffs. “Hmm…”
Spike caught his breath. “Sugar Belle? You created an illusion and used it to sneak in here?”
Discord narrowed his eyes. “Obviously. Try to keep up, Spike.” He raised an eyebrow at her. “But how in Equestria did you do that? You’re a baker!”
“Yeah,” she said as she started digging in her saddlebag. “A Baker. You know, from issue 167 of Ogre magazine?”
Discord’s eyes widened. “What now?”
Sugar Belle pulled a bowl, kitchen tools, ingredients, and a miniature oven out of her Saddlebag of Holding. She threw several ingredients into the bowl and began to mix a batter. “They didn’t publish it in any of the Player’s Hoofbooks, but it’s an Alchemist subclass that lets you use mundane ingredients for your potions and gives you a bonus to dexterity-based checks that involve fine motor abilities and tools, the most obvious being Thieves’ Tools, of course.” She poured the batter into tiny muffin tins and stuck them into the miniature oven. “I put points into intelligence and charisma, since it sounded like your party didn’t have a good face or a utility thief, and I figured I could eventually multiclass into Rogue if you think it would be useful.” She snorted a laugh, and the way her nose wrinkled made Big Mac giddy. “Everyone always wants to be a striker, you know? But I like playing more of a support role in combat with buffs and some minor healing. Oh, hey! My Muffins of Reduction are done.”
Discord’s and Spike’s jaws were nearly to the floor.
Sugar Belle popped a hot muffin into Big Mac’s mouth and gave him a kiss. “How do they taste?”
Big Mac smiled broadly. “Amazing, Sugar!” Big Mac began to shrink. “Uh… Is that normal?” He quickly became one-eighth his usual size, and the restraints slipped right off of him.
Sugar Belle laughed and delicately pet his mane. “It’s just a couple size categories, and it’s just for one minute.”
Spike laughed. “Now you’re more like Sir McSmallun!”
Big Mac stomped and let out a tiny, angry, adorable whinny.
Sugar Belle fed the muffins to the others, and a minute later, they were free of their restraints and back to their normal sizes. Sugar Belle passed them their equipment, which she’d collected on her way in, and Spike put his hat back on. “Okay. The final boss room is just down the corridor. If we can–”
“Not so fast!” shouted Finkleton as he threw open the dungeon door. “You may have put most of my guards to sleep, but you won’t escape me and my hench-brutes!” Two hulking zombies squeezed through the door past him.
Big Mac scratched his head. “I thought zombies weren’t affected by sleep.”
Sugar Belle shrugged. “Oh, you can overcome their immunity with saffron daffodils grown on a north-facing plot harvested under a three-quarter moon.” She winked at Discord. “Nothing’s impossible if you have enough reference tables.”
“Silence!” shouted Finkleton. “Your obscure rules knowledge is no match for my power! Now die!”
Everyone rolled for initiative, and the heroes leapt into action. Big Mac swung at the first brute with his sword, slashing it across the chest. Spike cast a blinding light spell on Finkleton, who began shooting rays of darkness in random directions. Discord shot an arrow at Finkleton’s orb, causing it to wobble free of his hooves.
The brutes swung back at them, and the heroes and villains traded blows in the tiny dungeon. Slashes were met with shields, cries of pain and anguish from the brutes bounced off the walls, and at every turn the heroes aided one another. Big Mac dove in front of Spike to absorb a nasty hit. Spike cast a shield spell to protect Discord from a Magic Missile, and Discord fired a splintering arrow into a brute, knocking him off his balance to save Big Mac from getting hit. And all the while, Sugar Belle stuffed treats into their mouths, granting them bonuses and buffs to make them stronger than ever.
The battle raged on, growing in intensity and never slowing (except when Finkleton remembered he was immune to charm spells and they had to roll back half a round’s worth of actions). The brutes fell, but not before draining Spike of his spell slots with their death magic, and Big Mac hobbled to his hooves with a mere nine hit points left, using his broadsword for support.
Discord fired three arrows in rapid succession, but Finkleton’s Mage Armor blocked them all.
“It’s no use!” cackled Finkleton as he cast a poisoning spell on Big Mac, knocking him unconscious. “You meet your end here!”
Growling and panting, Discord reached out a claw, but none of his chaos magic came from it. He began to seethe, but immediately, Sugar Belle placed a blueberry tart into his open claw. She nodded at him. “Make it count.”
Discord paused. He looked between the tart and Sugar Belle, and he smiled. “I will.” He placed it in his mouth and gulped it down in one swift action.
Discord felt light. He felt shiny. The hair of his wig blew in an impossibly photogenic breeze, like he was on a billboard for a fantasy shampoo. His eyes sparkled. He nocked an arrow and pulled back the string. “This is for McBiggun.”
The arrow was loosed, and with a piercing light, it found its mark right in Finkleton’s orb. “No!” shouted the dark wizard. “No no no no no!!!” The orb shattered, and as it did, Finkleton turned to sand. “You’ll pay! You’ll all…” His form collapsed into a small pile on the ground.
“We did it!” they shouted in unison, all except for Big Mac, who was unconscious and vomiting on the ground.
“Oh! I should fix that,” Sugar Belle said as she raced to his side and force-fed him her few remaining tarts.
Discord leapt into the air and floated there. “This calls for a celebration!” he said, fireworks shooting out of his claws. “I’m thinking poutine with extra… Hm?” Several boats of poutine appeared all around him in the air. Discord turned to Spike. “You said we had to solve a puzzle to break the Changeling crystal.”
Spike stood proudly. “Plot twist! It was his orb all along.”
Big Mac stumbled to his hooves as his hit points returned. “Spike, I almost died.”
Spike raised a claw and smiled. “But you didn’t!”
Discord floated over to Big Mac. “Yes, yes, we’re all very happy you’re alive, but more importantly, I have my powers again! Which means…”
He snapped his fingers, and in a flash of light, they appeared back in the town square. The cardboard townsponies quickly encircled them and cheered. The skeletal mage was gone, and the gates of Finkleton’s Keep had been thrown wide open. The world seemed brighter, and music filled the air.
Spike stepped forwards as the cheers died down. “Fine citizens of Finkleton’s Keep! The day is saved once again, and no more shall your lives be darkened by the cruel oppression of Lord Finkleton, so… uh… There you go, I guess. Have a great life!” He waved, and then the crowd gave one more cheer and dispersed. Spike walked back to the group, and he gently elbowed Sugar Belle. “So, did you guys all have a good session?”
“Eeyup!” Big Mac declared, his foreleg around Sugar Belle.
Sugar Belle laughed. “I did! Thank you all so much for having me.”
The three of them looked at Discord, who turned up his nose and crossed his arms. “I suppose it wasn’t the worst session we’ve ever had.”
Spike chuckled and said quietly to Sugar Belle, “That’s about as close to a compliment as you can expect.”
She nodded. “I’ll take it.” Turning to Discord, she said, “I know I don’t play quite the same way you do, but I hope you still had fun tonight. I know I did.”
With a small smile, Discord looked at her and said, “You know, it’s rare for me to find someone who can show me something truly new. I never thought I’d suddenly become interested in which kinds of flowers can make zombie-slaying tarts.” He clapped quietly. “Well done. I suppose this really does make you one of the guys, then.”
Sugar Belle began to say something, but she was interrupted by tiny fireworks above her head. The words “Level Up!” appeared in a rainbow of letters. “Ooh! Look at that,” she said.
Big Mac kissed her cheek. “Great work, Sugar.” In a flash, Big Mac and Spike leveled up as well, each with their own set of fireworks.
Discord looked up and waved his arms above his head. “Oh, come on! I fought all those zombies, too!”
“Hm…” Sugar Belle said, putting her hoof to her chin. “Roleplaying experience, maybe? Here, let’s try something.” She stepped up to Discord and bowed low. Theatrically, she said, “Thank you for taking this humble baker on your adventure. My name is Apple Frosting, and I would be honored to join your quest.”
Discord smiled. He bowed low in return. “Apple Frosting, Captain Wuzz accepts. Welcome to the team.”
Fireworks sparkled above his head alongside the words, “Level Up!”
