===The Ace of Cakes===
Written by Duskhoof
Edited by EverfreePony
The early morning birdsong drifted in through the panes of glass in the bedroom window. It was a cool winter’s day and Princess Celestia had not yet raised the sun to welcome in the new dawn. Outside, very few ponies had got moving and even less had shaken the sleep out of their eyes.
Cup Cake opened a lazy eye and smiled lovingly at the rested face of her husband. The pair had been married for just over three years, after celebrating their anniversary the past weekend. She admired her stallion’s handsome features, still as beautiful in her eyes as he was when she first laid eyes on him back in Chef Gourmet’s kitchen.
She always allowed herself a few minutes of bliss with the warmth of her bed and the closeness of her dear heart to start her day the right way. That was unless a wail from the other room disturbed that peace; today it had not.
Eventually she tore herself away from the bed, immediately getting a rise from Carrot Cake.
“Morning, dear,” came that cheery-if-groggy voice.
“Morning, honeybun,” she replied, equally as chipper. “I’m thinking pancakes for breakfast?”
“Ohhh~” groaned the golden stallion delightedly, “you read my mind.”
She chuckled softly at this and attended the little matter of wishing good morning to the rest of the family.
She opened the door to the playroom slowly. In the wooden cribs, two pairs of happy eyes gazed back through the bars.
“Good morning, Pumpkin. Good morning, Pound!” she cooed to them sweetly as she hoisted them from their cradles.
Kiss, kiss, snuggle!
“And how did we sleep, my sweetie pies?” A loud excitable babble told her they had slept well, “Wonderful! Now let’s get you downstairs and give you some breakfast!”
*** *** ***
The smell of fresh baked goods growing in the ovens wafted through the bakery. A pink blur whipped about the kitchen, cleaning dirty pots, mixing up more ingredients and making more dirty ones in the process. Mrs. Cake fried up pancakes on the other side of the kitchen, listening to the speed-baking mare.
“And then I dreamed that all the iced buns were filled with strawberries and cream, and they were AS BIG AS A HOUSE! Isn’t that crrrazy? And then I dreamed that…”
“PINKIE!” Mrs. Cake chortled and grabbed the filly as she tried to whizz by. “Save some conversation for the rest of the day, dearie, okay? Let’s get some breakfast!”
“But I…” Pinkie Pie faltered, sniffed the hotcakes and pushed her cheeks up happily. “OOOh pancakes, okie-dokie-lokie!”
Following the bouncing girl into the dining room, they found Mr. Cake feeding the newly changed foals, cooing lovingly to them. He turned as the piled high plate was placed on the table, then grinned to his wife.
“I think Pound is trying to say his first word!” he whinnied excitedly. Mrs. Cake made her way over but was only just beaten to the highchairs by Pinkie Pie.
“OH! Oh-oh-oh, Poundie, can you say party? Say pee-arr-tee. Party!” the apprentice asked gleefully.The pastel beige foal looked up at the mare and put his lips together. “Pa…Pa...Papababahburrrrrr~”
“Did he say Papa?” asked Mr. Cake with hopeful optimism.
“It sounded more like… peanut butter?” said Mrs. Cake, unsure.
“HE SAID “I WANT TO PARTY WITH PINKIE PIE!”” The party pony squealed. “It was a little jumbled up, but it was there!”
“I think, we’ll put that down as an attempt, my dears.” Mrs. Cake concluded and smiled, nuzzling her twins cheerfully. “You’ll get there someday, my sweet little cakes. Don’t be in too much of a rush to grow up…“
*** *** ***
It was a surprise to see Fluttershy standing at the door, waiting patiently for when Mrs. Cake entered the front of the house to open the store. The elder mare hurried over to unlock it.
“Hello dearie!” she said as she welcomed the buttercup yellow pony into the store. “How long have you been out here? Why didn’t you knock?”
“Well, I didn’t want to disturb anypony. I didn’t mind waiting here, I didn’t wait that long…” Fluttershy replied meekly from beneath her mane.
“Well, how can I help you, sweetie?” asked the older mare tenderly, returning to the counter. Fluttershy fetched a list from her saddlebag and nudged it over.
“Could you get this order ready for me, please? I mean, if-if it’s not too much trouble, of course… I’ll be back in an hour.”
Mrs. Cake swiftly glanced through the note, nodding gently. There was her usual order of bread, muffins, and a few bread rolls. Although it was the three question marks beneath these items that intrigued her particularly.
“What did you want here?” She indicated the area on the paper.
“Well, I thought you could surprise me! If it’s not a bad surprise, that is…i-if that’s okay?” Mrs. Cake gave a gentle chuckle. It seemed like Fluttershy’s friends were starting to make a good impression on their nervous friend.
“Of course, dearie, I’ll see what I can do!”
She watched the pony go and quickly called Pinkie out to the shop floor.
“Pinkie, here’s Fluttershy’s shopping list, you know her better than me. She wants a surprise but nothing that’ll spook her! Can you do that for me, dear?” the store owner received a toothy grin.
“You got it, Mrs. Cake!” The bell above the door tinkled as the hyper filly sprang away and the cerulean baker turned to greet her next customer.
An unicorn by the name of Truly trotted in gracefully, followed by Rainbow Dash, who was pulling a face of disdain at this pompous mare. Mrs. Cake would soon realize why.
“Good morning, Truly! What can I get for you today?”
“What’s your freshest thing?” the self-important unicorn asked.
“Well, we just opened, so everything is fresh out of the oven. I could warm one up if it’s not warm enough for you.” Truly shook her head as she glanced around.
“No, no. I don’t want it warmed up.” She looked behind Mrs. Cake to the rack where the bakers put out the goods until they needed to be set out. The platinum-colored mare pointed to the top and cleared her throat.
“What is that there on the top?”
“Those are our tiger bread batches dear, although they’ve been out of the oven about the same time as our others, so it’d be easier if I just got you one from the--”
“No, I want one from back there.” Mrs. Cake mentally sighed but went ahead to do as Truly asked. The Cakes were proud of their pristine customer service and she wasn’t going to let a bad apple ruin the whole bunch. She reached for bread when a gasp caught her attention.
“Wait!” The customer was pointing at the rack again. “What are those?”
Mrs. Cake looked but didn’t know what was she supposed to be seeing.
“There!” Truly waved vaguely at the line of seven different flavors of piroshkies.
“Um, which ones, Truly?” asked the older mare, her irritation creeping through.
“Those ones!” Mrs. Cake turned back and looked quizzically at the difficult pony.
“The ones on the second row!”
“Oh,” with a thankful sigh, she explained, “those are our Moscows. They’ve got Baahvarian cream and cream of wheat in them which give them a--”
“I’ll take one of those too,” interrupted the magical mare, preoccupying herself by finding the bits in her purse for the purchase.
Taking the freshly baked buns from the rack meant also having to prepare them, so the baker quickly fished the entire pan down and dusted them with a light icing, before bagging up the order for the egotistical unicorn. From over Truly’s shoulder, Rainbow raised an eyebrow. This broad was too much!
“Alright, Truly. Is there anything else I can get for you?” Mrs. Cake asked, hoping there wasn’t.
“No, that’ll be all.” She paid and left. Mrs. Cake let a cool sigh leave her lips and wiped her brow, cheerfully acknowledging Rainbow Dash as the pegasus sauntered over to the counter.
“Hey so, uh, what’s the freshest thing you got here?” Rainbow asked with a smirk. ‘Oh no, not again,’thought Mrs. Cake, trying to keep her withering cool intact.
“Pretty much everything just came out the oven,” she said formally.
“Yeah, but I want really fresh, and like, tiger bread,” Rainbow responded seriously. The Sugarcube Corner owner stared, then turned to grab the loaf, when a guffaw made her turn back around. Rainbow was in stitches.
“I’m just kidding with you, Mrs. Cake. Did you see that chick?” She put on a snooty voice, ”I want the freshest thing you’ve got!” Rainbow sniggered again. “You’re in a bakery in the morning, mare, everything’s fresh!”
Everypony in the bakery laughed. Mrs. Cake tried to take the order, still in good spirits from the pegasus’ joke.
“That’s going to be five bits, please dear…” she started, but Pinkie quickly stepped up and waved.
“Wait, give her one of my muffins for free,” the party pony squeaked. “That was too funny!”
Rainbow’s eyes gleamed at the gift with her purchase.
“Free muffin? Sweet! I should crack wise in here more often!”
*** *** ***
“So, what did I buy today?” Fluttershy asked sheepishly as she re-appeared in the store nearly an hour later. Mrs. Cake let Pinkie serve her friend as the pink horse could hardly contain her excitement when she came up with the idea.
“Three pounds of stale bread crust to feed the ducks in the park!” offered Pinkie with her trademark grin spread across her muzzle, passing over the mare’s surprise order. “They are free of charge because nopony eats stale bread. Nopony eats stale bread, Fluttershy! That’d be crazy. Believe me, I tried…” The pale yellow pony’s eyes lit up with surprise and delight.
“Oh! I was planning to go to the hairdresser, but this is…DUCKS, YOU SAY? Well, off to the park, then! Goodbye!” She was out the door faster than a goose could honk.
Mrs. Cake shook her head, tittering and looked up at her assistant. She could tell the filly wanted to race after her.
“Oh, go on then, dear.” Pinkie didn’t need to be told twice. She was up and out the door with a speedy whistle. “HEY FLUTTERSHY! WAIT UP!”
*** *** ***
“Will this be all for you today?” Mrs. Cake was serving Spoiled Rich and her daughter Diamond Tiara. They’d bought several boxes of muffins, cream cakes and had another serving mare to carry the rest of their plentiful order.
“Certainly, Mrs. Cake. Misty, please take my purse and pay the lady. Thank you.” The help did as she was told obediently, and they sidestepped to let the next customer past.
Ditzy scampered forward, umm-ing and ahh-ing at the selection when suddenly she noticed that one of the last of her favorite muffins were still available.
“Actually, can I have one of those banana-choco-strawberry-nut muffins?” she asked hopefully.
“Of course, you can, dearie!” she beamed, grabbing the tongs to lift it out and place it in a box. Diamond Tiara homed in on the special muffin like a hawk.
“What? She can’t have that! It’s mine!” the spoilt child squawked loudly. Mrs. Cake looked taken aback and chuffed slightly.
“No, dear, I’m sorry but Miss Doo ordered this first.” Diamond gave a look of disgust. She wasn’t used to hearing the word no. She stepped forward to argue her case, but Spoiled Rich stopped her, taking her place with a polite cough.
“Please, Mrs. Cake, we’d really like that muffin.”
“Mrs. Rich, you already have plenty and we have to limit these per customer. We can’t allow you to have another one,” the shop owner said defensively.
“It’s not for me! It’s for my daughter!” Spoiled Rich took a step towards the counter and almost shoved Ditzy out of the way to get to Mrs. Cake. The baker was ablaze by this point, ready to protect her customer from the wealthy mare. Luckily, Mr. Cake was overhearing the conversation at this point and stepped in to help his wife.
“We’re sorry,” he explained steadily, “but we can’t hold this for her. Ditzy Doo ordered it first.” Spoiled gave an indignant snort.
“Well, in that case, I want to return everything! I don’t want to shop here if that’s how you treat your customers!” She waved a lazy how to her helper to replace everything on the counter. Ditzy panicked at the confrontation and waved her hooves quickly.
“WAIT WAIT WAIT!” she whimpered. “You know what? You can give the banana-choco- strawberry-nut muffin to the lady.” Mr. and Mrs. Cake exchanged looks.
“Are you sure?” The muffin mare nodded swiftly and took the box, placing it in Diamond’s hooves. With a smug look, Spoiled nodded to her serving mare and she paid for the extra pastry. The maid mouthed a small apology as they all left, the Rich family holding their heads high.
With a sigh, Mrs. Cake pulled Ditzy into a big cuddle whilst Mr. Cake clucked his tongue and returned to the kitchen.
“We’re so sorry that happened, but thank you, dearie!”
“It’s no problem!” The grey pony giggled bubbly. “It wasn’t worth shouting over,” Ditzy ordered a few more items and was about to pay. As the bits were being counted, Mr. Cake burst from the kitchen and hurried over with a steaming tray in his oven-mitted hooves.
“Hold on a second. We just pulled out a fresh batch from the oven. Would you like a box?” Ditzy’s jaw dropped to the floor.
“Yes, please!”
*** *** ***
The close of the day came and Princess Luna brought the night, with a speckled starry night and a brightly lit moon. The store closed its doors, Pinkie left for a night out with her friends and the Cakes were tucking their little ones into bed.
Pumpkin was already fast asleep, her teething toy squeaking in her developing gums. Pound gave a lazy yawn and smiled as his mother leaned over to kiss them each goodnight.
“I love you, Pumpkin, I love you, Pound,” she whispered with a smile and turned to flick off the light.
“I love…” came a small, boyish voice. Mrs. Cake stopped in her tracks and turned, blinking.
“Come again, Pound dear?” she asked, quickly returning to the crib.
“I love!” The sleepy maroon eyes blinked and shone in the moonlight, as they looked up at the pretty face smiling proudly at him.
Mrs. Cake squealed gleefully and rushed to the hallway with a joyful cry,“CARROT! COME QUICKLY! POUND SAID HIS FIRST WORDS!”
~Fin~
Author's Note
This was a lot of fun to write a few years ago and a lot of fun to reread now.
Thank you to editor EverfreePony for taking the time to edit this story.
I wrote this back when I had a job in retail and these were some of the real experiences I had. Although, the names and places have obviously been changed.
As a bonus for reading this, please find a record I kept of some of the other funny altercations I had with customers in an unnamed call center too:
(All names and details removed for confidentiality, false names added where necessary to protect identities.)
'I'd like you to make a card' - *Talking about the loyalty card.*
'The store stole my discount card!' - *Customer had forgotten the card.*
'Nobody is under the age of two anymore!' *After being asked if they had any children under two*
'Is this place accepting Nectar cards?' *It wasn't.*
'Can you make me my Nectar Card here too?' *No.*
'Can I have a Pink Card?' *No.*
'Do other cards interact with my card' *Yes, It's a bit like toy story, they all come out of your wallet at night and have conversations about your credit rating.*
*After being told the maximun length of time to receive a points loyalty card is 21 days...* 'There should a system where an important man like me receives his card faster on par with an emergency mailing call!' *You're right, because important people need their shopping cards faster than not so important people, it's a fact*
*Spelling an address with the phonetic Alphabet* 'Q for Cucumber.' *Mmm...Qucumber.*
'Hi my name is "Joan," I was "John," but I want to change my name back to "Joan." I became a boy but I think I prefer being a girl for now.'*That's...confusing!*
'I have used my wife's semi permanent hair color thinking it was shampoo. Could you give me any advice on how to get it out?' *Wow, um... bleach, and lots of it! No, actually, that's more for hair removal.*
*I ask 'Do you wear Spectacles or contact lens?' and the answer is...* 'Okay!' *... Someone wasn't listening to the question.*
Me: *I have the customers details and I'm waiting for the computer to bring up their information so I can send them a new loyalty card which is free:* 'While we are waiting, can I tell you we have a Save £3.50 on bodysprays now.'
Customer: 'Oh so you have to pay for a new card now?'
Me: 'Pardon?'
Customer: 'You said it's £3.50 now!'
Me: 'No it's not it's just an offer...'
Customer: 'On my card?'
Me: 'On bodysprays in store!'
Customer: 'I don't want body sprays, I want a loyalty card!'
Me: 'Okay ... Let me send you one now then.'
'Have you got a copy of the new Christmas catalog?' *This is in February!*
'Why can't you just fix my card so that it will work again?' *Customer has said card was faulty. Cards cannot be repaired. They are not computers*
'my dog ate my card!' *Oh dear, that's the oldest trick in the book.*
'I'd like to be an organ donor, I'm a very green person and I believe in recycling.' *Well, you've got the right idea!*
'I cut up my card to get it to fit in my wallet and now it won't work.' *Well, there's your answer why.*
'Are there any topics in your magazine about sex, because even some of us 65 year olds need tips in that field.' *Oh good God! That is more information than my poor defenseless brain needed to know!*
'Can I have some extra loyalty points just for ringing?' *... Of course you can, that sounds like a wonderful idea to ruin the company!*
Me: 'Can I help you with anything else?'
Customer: 'Depends on what you're offering?' *Are you trying to seduce me, Mrs Robinson?*
'The wonders of modern technology and you can't even make me a joint loyalty card with my partner,' *I'm sorry, I'll run off now, invent the card just for you and get it into the 'IMPORTANT PEOPLE' post*
'When I walk out of the doors of other stores my Loyal card sets off the alarms' *I don't think it's the card, I think its the items in your pockets that you're trying to run off with!'
'Q for Cube' * Qube. I think we've established Q is an ample replacement for C.*
'I've hurt my loyalty card' *Awww bless I'll go get a band aid*
Customer: I would like to apply for a card.
Me: Of course, I can do that for you today, I just need to take your details.
Customer: Oh so I can't do it over the phone?
Me: Yes you can, I can take your details and get a card sent off for you!
Customer: But I can get a form in store and do it, can't I?
Me: Yes but if I do it over the phone today, it will get to you quicker.
Customer: Oh, well, if you give me the telephone number, I will ring and do it over the phone.
Me: But you've already rung, I can set the card up for you now!
Customer: No no, I don't want to put you out, give me the number I'll ring up myself and get a card...
Me: ... Sure, the number is... *When at first you don't succeed, let the buggar waste their own damn phone bill.*
*The call ends but the Customer doesn't put the phone down properly, and I can hear them say..* 'It was some bloody Scottish bloke, couldn't shut him up! Yada Yada yada join this, join that!' *That's me all over, a chatty Scottish lad born and bred in Nottingham, Nottinghamshire, Scotland. Och-ai!*
Me: 'Good morning Customer Care how can I help you!'
Customer: 'I want my bins emptying.'
Me: 'I'm sorry you have the wrong number, this is loyalty card customer care,'
Customer: 'Oh you would say that!' -Phone slam!- *I can't say I blame her, I'm sure the council pretend to be a loyalty card scheme all the time.*
Back in pink! I made you blink!
It's been too long but I gotta mink!
Yes I have, let loose that funky moose,
that kept me partying around!
All good things,
Dusk Hoof!
