World's Shortest Crossovers: The Anthology Series Of Doom

by Estee

Rating: teen
Tags: Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Crossover, Dark, Anthology
Length: 3519

Ponies meet whomever the comments want them to meet, in the least number of words possible. Why? Because it's ALWAYS Crackfic Week.

Tired of seeing the same old faces show up in the Everfree?
Can't stand to see one more 'meet the Mane Cast' sequence?
Sick onto death of seeing That One Tag appear in the New column?
Starting to wonder if there's still a single person in fiction or reality who hasn't been to Equestria?

Then welcome to World's Shortest Crossovers, in which the author takes your Comments suggestions -- mostly the sane ones -- and turns them into microfics! The people, settings, and occasional objects which you choose just might wind up as part of a tiny story! It's free! It's equal-opportunity! And it's guaranteed to be comprised of no more than 90% massive slaughter!

You know you want to...

(Author has both Patreon, SubscribeStar, and Ko-Fi pages, but let's face it: they ain't gettin' any new referrals from this thing.)

Published 2018-05-28 06:10:12 UTC
Last updated 2023-11-12 18:43:22 UTC

Celestia Vs. Invader Zim

She stared down at the trembling green bundle of pain-soon-to-come.

"So," the mare softly whispered. "Who's Tallest now, bitch?"

Equestria Vs. (Hillary Clinton/Donald Trump (delete whichever is politically inappropriate))

"So what happened?"

"Well, just before the attack, it screamed something about how if anyone was going to have immortality, power, and the ability to do anything they wanted with no limits or political consequences, it had to be them."

"Ah," said the Royal Coroner, and checked off Box E.

Thanos Meets Chrysalis

"I love Death," said the purple biped. "I love her as no other ever could."

"I," the last true changeling Queen declared, "was born from death."

He stared at her for a moment.

"Daughter!"

She felt the truth of his love, trotted forward. He bent down just enough to embrace her and then, with a single swift motion, broke her neck.

It had been the easiest Soul Stone ever.

Teen Titans: Cyborg

Teen Titans: Cyborg

"Moo-yah!"

After a horrible moment of extended silence, a few of the spectators whispered to each other. The brown and white one timidly stepped forward.

"That," Daisy Jo told the half-metal thing, "is a culturally insensitive remark."

Teen Titans: Raven

Teen Titans: Raven

The girl in the dark cloak sat down on the rock.

"I'm dead inside," she tonelessly declared.

The grey earth pony slowly turned her head, and eventually managed to notice that something else was there.

"I," Maud passively stated, "would need to have once been alive inside before anything could have died."

The girl's lower lip curled.

As a plain statement: "I'm destined to destroy the world."

With no caring whatsoever, "I like rocks."

"My father," the girl said, "is a demon."

"Mine," Maud countered, "is a rock farmer."

The girl blinked.

"No blazing fires of the pits?"

"Rocks."

"No musical cries of the damned?"

"Rocks."

Each looked directly into the other's eyes.

And then they made out.

David Cameron's Rather Brief Second Political Career

"I want to make sure I have this right," the white mare slowly said. "Trottingham has declared themselves to be in secession from Equestria. They're calling themselves a country now."

"Correct, sister," stated the younger sibling. "However, as a youthful nation which has no means of supporting itself, the next thing they did was to demand a foreign aid package."

"So they won't accept our leadership, authority, or laws," Celestia tried. "However, they will gladly take our resources, supplies, and money."

"Also correct," Luna observed.

"I'm never going to let a human hold a mayoralty again."

Captain Planet

The blue-skinned humanoid looked around. Saw perfectly clear sky reflected in pristine water. Plants which had never known the cruel mist of chemicals, leaves which swayed within a pure breeze. And with no idea of what he was supposed to do with his life, he began to weep.

The Familiar Of Zero Putting-Up-With-This

The little purple alicorn took a deep breath.

"I've done a lot of things for my friends," she started. "I've risked my life." More slowly. "Sometimes I've wound up risking theirs, and I've had to beg forgiveness for it. And I know something about being pulled into a situation out of nowhere and having to figure out a whole new set of rules. When I came here, it was the second time that had happened to me. But I stayed with my friends after the first one, because they were my friends. I tried to do whatever they could, because they were my friends..."

Another inhale.

"You, however," Twilight told Louise, "are an emotionally closed-off, donkey-stubborn, physically abusive, unjustifiably arrogant piece of horse apple smear. And I'm going home."

The light flashed and just like the failed student's hopes, she was gone.

Freddy Krueger Can't Wake Up

The dark blue hoof came down on the last metal claw, shattering it. Six of the eight fragments flew through the imaginary atmosphere of the nightscape, not stopping until long after they'd sliced into the broken biped's crotch. The last two wound up in his eyes.

Her only reaction to the scream was a small smile. One which he could no longer see.

"Very well," Luna told him. "And now that I have finished -- how did you put it when you tried to set that pitiful dream fire? You seemed rather amused by the words -- oh, yes: now I recall." She stepped closer, lifted that same huge forehoof and held it over his fragile skull. "Now that I have finished warming up..."

Celestia Vs. Vampires

"Good morning, gentlemen."

Sadao Maou Understands About Working Your Way Up

"So," the young man in the often-cleaned fast food uniform politely asked, with body bent into a spontaneous low bow of deep respect, "you started as a student. Then you were put in charge of a library. And that eventually led to your becoming an alicorn. Do I have all that right?"

The little purple quadruped nodded.

The dark-haired youth straightened, turned, and smirked at the blonde behind him.

"Pay up."

Ashiya sighed, then passed over the bet's hundred-yen coin.

Penn & Teller & Trixie & Technicalities

The very large man briefly rubbed his goatee, then leaned towards the much shorter personage sitting on his right. He whispered to his silent partner, who made a quick sketch on the notepad. Both of them momentarily glanced backwards, and each took in the universally-stunned visages of the audience.

They made themselves look at the half-smirking female on the stage and in doing so, had to mutually adjust their sight lines to be a lot lower than usual.

"All right," the large man said. "So we've ruled out trapdoors."

The blue unicorn mare nodded.

"And obviously there's no way it was sleight of hand," he continued, "because..." And trailed off right there. He had a naturally commanding presence, seldom looked or sounded awkward, and therefore wasn't all that good at it.

"Because," the mare finished for him, "no hands."

He nodded. "Which would bring us down to this." He stood up (which took a few seconds), and his partner did the same. "We're going to show you this sketch. If this is what you used, then we win. But if you didn't, then that's our last guess. You will have officially fooled us. You'll get the trophy and two months from now, you'll open for our show."

The mare's tail curled up a little. The half-smirk got wider as the two men came onto the stage, and became a full smile when the smaller one placed the well-rendered image of mechanisms in front of her eyes.

"On my honor as a magician," the mare told them, "that wasn't what I did. Not even close."

The large man took a very deep breath.

"Wow." There was a lot of sincerity in those three letters. "Wow. It has been a while. A lot of performers have come up here, and a few have gotten past us, but this is the first time neither of us has even been in the right ballpark. It's going to be fun having you opening the show --"

She wasn't really listening. She was watching the trophy's platform descending from the ceiling, and it wasn't coming down fast enough to suit her. The mare's corona ignited, and a flare of energy collected the token of her triumph.

Several hundred people gasped.

"-- what was that?" the very large (and extremely stunned) man said.

"Magic!" the mare proudly said. "What day should I be at the hotel? I'll need some time to set up."

"...magic," the much smaller one said, and incidentally did so for the first time ever. (The resulting gasp was nearly as loud.)

"Of course!"

"Real magic," the larger one slowly tried.

"Yes. Because I'm a magician. So. For my calendar?"

The big hand went through the field, grabbed the trophy.

"That's cheating!" he stridently declared.

"No, it isn't!" the mare shot back, now using the energy to pull. "You said to fool you! With magic! And you thought it was just mechanisms and distractions and tricks! So I fooled you! I won!"

"But it isn't the right kind of magic!" he insisted as he leaned backwards, putting his weight into the tug-of-war.

"Yours isn't magic at all! You're just being jealous! I won!"

The big man released his grip, all at once. The furious mare levitated the trophy until it was floating at her side, panted from the effort.

"You're not being fair..." she weakly said.

One hand came up, stroked at the goatee.

"You know something?" he told her. "You're right. I'm not."

Everyone looked at them. Partner, audience, camera crew.

"So... I won?"

"I'm not sure," he admitted. "Not within the rules as we normally use them."

"But --"

"-- there's someone," he cut her off, "that I really want to introduce you to. But only if you'd happen to be interested in making a million dollars..."

The very old magician with the bushy white beard brought sharp eyes up as the big man made a summoning gesture towards the darkness at the right edge of the stage.

"All right," James Randi rather skeptically said. "Let's see what this 'discovery' can do."

Things To Do While Rome Burns

The last emperor of the Julio-Claudian dynasty looked out across the burning landscape, all that could be seen of what had been the world's greatest city, and did not think about the dying and dead. There were only two things on his mind, and the first concerned just whom he could attach the blame onto. The Christians, perhaps: they were always an excellent scapegoat.

But there was also the matter of the white unicorn who was merrily capering on his right. Laughing, as blue eyes blazed with more than reflected firelight.

Crossly, "And what are you so happy about?"

"Don't you see?" the mare openly cheered. "The toga look is finally out!"

Author's Note

This one is Aragon's fault.

Batmare Beyond Fashion

"So that's your museum of costumes?"
"Right."
"And that would be your first Robin?"
"Correct."
"Bright green short-shorts."
"...yes."
"And you wonder why he stopped speaking with you."

Every Match Game Panel Ever: 4:50 p.m.

Every Match Game Panel Ever: 4:50 p.m.

"Whenever Trixie shows up, I want to blank her."

"Murder."

"Murder."

"Also murder."

"Always murder."

"WE MET THREE MINUTES AGO!"

Go Into The Underworld To Save The One You Love...

There was the slope, and the mass, and the hill. It was all there had ever been, down there in the grey of death. There were times when he thought there might have been once been more to his existence: impressions less than memory, but slightly stronger than a wish. The concepts of sunlight and warmth, of having someone care about him, a warm hand reaching out...

He had been a king, hadn't he? He almost believed that was true, in those rare moments when the mass was almost at the crest, phantom muscles straining because one more push, one more and he would be free. His labors would be ended. He could... he wasn't sure. It just had to be better than this, than failing over and over, watching the mass roll back down the slope and knowing that his existence would consist of almost reaching the top, over and over.

For eternity.
Or until someone came.

Someone must have loved him once. Respected, at the very least, if he had been a king. What had he done, to place himself in this pit? Forever climbing out, never succeeding, always chasing after the mass to make one more attempt, and one more, and one more...

Had he been such a terror that all who had been his subjects would prefer this for him? No family, no friends...

He was almost at the top. He was always almost at the top, until he was not. Almost free. Almost about to fail.

"You."

He looked up.

All was grey, down there in the dark. The small horse was just as grey, but... there was something soft about her. A suggestion of a brighter world in the fur, and the liquid quality of her eyes.

"You shouldn't be here," the small horse wearing the blue half-toga said, in a voice as dull as death. "You shouldn't be suffering like this. You never did anything to deserve it. You're innocent."

He stared at her, through the sweat which was forever falling into clouded eyes. Tried to believe.

She came over the crest of the slope. Trotted down towards him, hooves never coming close to slipping.

"You're innocent," she repeated. "And now you're going to be free."

The mass nearly slipped as he stretched out a shaking, dirt-covered hand towards her. Needing to touch...

She head-butted him.

He fell backwards, almost rolled. The mass took the cue as gravity assumed its normal duty, heading right towards him --

-- and the little horse was in the way.

The mass stopped. Frozen against the minimal weight of her form.

"Let's go," she said. "You're free."

And foot by foot, she pushed the boulder of his torture all the way up the slope and over the rise, never to be seen again.

He stared at the slope for a while. At the place where the boulder wasn't. A boulder which, to be fair about it, had probably never done anything to deserve him.

"Er," Sisyphus finally said. "...thank you...?"

Luna Vs. Werewolves

"You have less than a minute before your world ends. After the full moon rises, we will be unstoppable!"

"Yes. You have made that very clear. That is why the final orbital approach is currently being made by a waning quarter-Moon."

"...what?"

"We do listen to the power-mad rants. Now, as I believe you also mentioned something regarding 'after'..."

Deshaun Watson Visits The La-Ti-Da Spa

"What did you tell him, Lotus? Exactly."

"The actual vords? I told him 'Perhaps you haf gotten away with such things during hoof massages when dealing with the mares of your home -- but if you ever touch this Eastern Saddlezanian in that place again, I vill cave in your skull'."

"And after that, he...?"

"Fifteen seconds."

"Sounds like self-defense to me. Haul the body away, girls!"

"Did you vant this fragment of skull?"

"Nah. Hang onto that. It'll probably be highly collectible."

Michael Westen's New Burn

"So I'm trapped here," the former agent told an unseen audience. "I have free rein of the city, but if I make any attempt to leave the borders, someone will try to kill me. There's no way around that."

The little yellow pony slowly looked up at him. Her wings fluttered.

"...um," she tried. "I just asked if you'd like some hay. And after that, I could introduce you to the others at the barn social. For the new barn. The sixth one this spring. But it may take some time to get there, because you can't fly and the road's out. There was a stampede. And a dragon. Then there was a stampede of dragons. Plus the ground is still glowing from that last bad spell and maybe you shouldn't be touching it."

His skills told him she was sincere. Somehow, she'd meant every last word of it.

"I need yogurt," he decided.

"...what's yogurt?"

And so leaving the border it was.

Green Lantern Corps: Mogo Occasionally Socializes

Green Lantern Corps: Mogo Occasionally Socializes

That within the thinking planet which could 'see' gazed up at its favorite visitor, who hadn't been able to come by for a very long time. They'd been catching up for hours.

"IT IS SO RARE," the greenery along the temperate zone rearranged itself to read, "TO SPEAK WITH SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS. WHO KNOWS WHAT IT'S LIKE. AND, OF COURSE, CAN VISIT WITHOUT BEING TORN APART BY MY GRAVITY."

The glowing orbiter seemed to smile at the concluding joke. And then it hesitated.

"I Have To Get Back," it sent out in pulses of heat. "She's About To Raise Me Again."

"CAN'T IT WAIT?"

"She Always Says They'll All Die..."

A planet sighed, which was mostly expressed as some minor volcanic fume venting.

"WELL," it said, "HAVE A GOOD TRIP."

Equestria's Sun streaked away, leaving a lonely sphere of rock and thoughts to contemplate the universe's built-in unfairness.

EVEN THAT FORM OF SLAVERY, it decided, IS STILL UNJUSTIFIED.

It should do something about that.

Epona: Proud Owner Of The Multiverse's Worst Fuel Efficiency Rating

Epona: Proud Owner Of The Multiverse's Worst Fuel Efficiency Rating

"So Ah guess y'gotta see it t' believe it," Applejack sighed. "Jus' watch." She trotted up to the giant stranger, careful not to look too closely into the dark blue eyes: the visitor was nowhere near their level of intellect, and panicked easily. "Ah'll just take out one..."

The one was accepted and, in the typical fashion, utilized. Applejack started to canter forward, gradually accelerating. The brown horse began to move, matched the pace, straining towards full gallop --

-- stopped.

Completely stopped.

Big Mac blinked.

"That was fifteen body lengths," he slowly said.

"On the downhill, yeah," Applejack groaned. "And then she won't move until she gets some more."

"She goes fifteen body lengths on one carrot?"

"An' she won't eat more than five at a time."

The stallion took a deep breath. "And we've got to get her all the way to Canterlot. On hoof."

"That's what the Princess said. Don't know if it's safe to teleport her, and she'll just freak on the train."

The siblings stared at each other. The visitor. who was waiting for more food, simply nickered.

"Well," Big Mac sighed, "welcome to the best day of Golden Harvest's life..."

The Mandatory Deadpool Bit

"Look, I can't say I'm not flattered, but I'm what you might call 'perilously overbooked'. You know that other power Logan has? The one where he can somehow be in fifty issues a month, which technically take place across three days and twelve light years? I don't have that one. And what with promoting the movie and all, I just don't have time for another fanfic. You understand, I'm sure. Besides, I did this one enough of a favor by writing my own game review. Bye!"

Celestia And Lucifer Have So Much In Common

The dark-haired man leaned in a little closer, looked directly into huge purple eyes.

"So tell me, my dear Princess," the smooth voice deviously requested, "what is it that you truly desire?"

The alicorn's blink came across as slightly... uneven. Borders twisted within the luminous pastels of the mane.

"...I want to sleep in."

The nightclub owner, part-time police assistant, and Lord Of Hell (just ask him!) abruptly pulled back.

"You want to what?"

"I have to get up every morning, before morning," the white mare dazedly stated. "Just so there can be a morning at all. I never get to truly rest..."

Some of the hand-stitched Italian fabric covering the broad shoulders rumpled. This state of disrepair then added a crease.

Despite what some of the more fanciful distortions claimed, he'd never been one for riding horses. Animal ownership wasn't his thing because it was restricting the freedom of another, and... well, all things considered, an entity who had existed since very slightly after the whole 'Let There Be' bit had no idea how gently stroking fur was supposed to go. But he was trying, even if the effort simply ruined the line of his jacket.

"You too?"

Purple eyes cleared again, and then crossed as they tried to focus on the fingers awkwardly shifting across her forehead.

"You too?" she repeated.

"Lucifer Morningstar," the devil casually shrugged. "Guess whose dear old dad handed him the responsibility for that problem? You know, I've often thought that going through a few minor eternities of not getting to burrow deeper into the blankets would make anyone rebel..."

You KNEW This Was Coming

"I fail to see the need for this bard's upcoming performance."

"Luna... there's times when I just don't have the words. None of us do. It's easier to let music do the speaking for us."

"And therefore, you have brought in someone from 'very, very far away'."

"Yes."

"Because their lyrics somehow summarized your exact emotional state in having to cross a thousand years of abeyance to find me on the opposite shore."

"Exactly."

"And it is necessary that I hear this. When simply being at your side again is enough."

"Luna..."

"I have certain suspicions --"

"-- please."

"...very well, Tia. Bring out your bard. Let him begin -- hmm. A biped? I do not recognize the species --"

"Just listen."

"...so."

"Wasn't he great?"

"...your emotional state regarding my absence, and waiting for the Return -- across a millennium -- can be summarized, in music, as follows: you were never going to give me up, let me down, run around, or desert me. Nor did you intend to make me cry, say goodbye, tell a lie, or hurt me."

"Yes! Exactly!"

"I am going back to Moon now. See you next century."

"Oh, come on, Luna..."

"I PERCEIVED THE APPROACH AND STILL I WAS HIT!"