A Simple Errand

by Justice3442

Rating: teen
Tags: DJ P0N-3, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Narcotics, Trixie, Comedy, Starlight Glimmer, Profanity, Random
Length: 9981

Starlight and Trixie go to the store to buy groceries. A task so mundane there’s pretty much no way they can mess it up.

Starlight and Trixie go to the store to buy groceries. A task so mundane there’s pretty much no way they can mess it up.

Note: Part of my “Twilight, Spike, Starlight, Trixie, Tempest Shadow, and Grubber all hang out at Twilight’s Castle continuity” which I should maybe think up a name for… 3TsG2Ss? It’s Always Sunny in Ponnyville?

Thanks to
Tired Old Man,
Nova Quill/Firimil, and
Steel Resolvefor their edits and suggestions and cloudyglow for the adorbs vector!

Published 2018-05-30 05:10:06 UTC
Last updated 2018-09-11 08:39:12 UTC

Starlight and Trixie grab only nonsensical things

Author's Note

Some quick references to The Order of Things and The Beard with a Jerk-Ass Hanging Off of It in this chapter.

Starlight and Trixie grab only nonsensical things

Starlight Glimmer craned her neck one way and the other as she used magic, hooves, and the occasional bout of using her innate talents and tools to toss a pot, frying pan, or other potentially injurious objects as she searched the shelves and wares of the grocery store.

“No… No… Not here… No! Uggghhh!” A cast iron skillet was suddenly flung away in an aura of electric blue magic.

‘THUD!’ went the pan as a pony brought a short end to its flight.

“GHAH! My EYE!” went the possibly concussed pony as he stopped the heavy item with his face.

“My cabbages!” went the distressed stocker as the aforementioned fell backward into his display.

‘CLANG!’ rang the iron cookware as it landed on the floor.

As oblivious to the damage she was causing as always, Starlight continued her search. “No! No… GHAAAA! Doesn’t this store have ANYTHING useful?!”

“M-Ma’am…” A brown earth pony stallion with one azure eye, one already swelling eye, uttered woozily as he trotted up. His dark black mane was slicked back, and he had three bags, which clearly where money bags as they had a dollar sign on them, as a cutie mark. Said dollar signs matched the massive gold dollar sign on the pony’s red tie which completed the incomplete ensemble of a white collar over a dark blue suit collar like somepony had begun making two shirts, got bored after barely having started, and figured some pony would really want to put together Equestria’s most complex scarf… and was right. “Can… Can I help you find something? Preferably before you hurt anypony else or I pass out?”

Starlight turned and shot a glare at the new arrival. “That depends, does this store carry knife powder?!”

The pony did his best to focus his one unswollen eye on Starlight. “Ma’am… either I seriously need to go to the hospital or you just asked if I carried something that doesn’t exist. Now is that powder for knives, or powder made from a knife?”

“Knife powder! It’s just knife powder… Kniiiiiiiiife Pooooowdeeeer!” Starlight stressed as if saying the word more slowly somehow made what she was looking for any more real.

“Come to think of it,” the pony mused, “those things I suggested aren’t mutually exclusive.”

Starlight let out a terse scoff. “Do you have it or not?”

“I, uh, don’t,” the stallion admitted, “mostly on account of it probably never having existed.”

Starlight stomped her foot down. “That’s it! I want to speak to your manager!”

“Ma’am, I’m Filthy Rich and I own this store,” Filthy Rich said as he mustered some confidence. “Also, the store manager was excused to leave early on account of the entire bar-b-q grill that fell on top of him a few minutes ago.” Filthy Rich chuckled. “I even let him purchase the grill at a discount!”

“Okay, but your generosity doesn’t help me find knife powder!” Starlight hissed out through clenched teeth.

“Ma’am! I pride myself on stocking my store with everything the ponies of Ponyville might need!”

“Woo-hoo!” Trixie’s voice rang from elsewhere in the store. “Trixie found the whips, hoof-cuffs, and ball-gags in the ‘gently-used’ bin! ”

Filthy Rich continued, “But I ain’t ever heard of anything called ‘knife powder’!”

“Ugh, fine… I’ll make it myself.” With a glow of her horn, Starlight floated a chef's knife hanging from a hook on the shelf in front of her, and a clear bag of a white powdery substance labeled ‘Powdered Sugar’ from elsewhere in the store. Filthy Rich recoiled slightly as Starlight stabbed the knife into the bag. The glow from her horn increased as well as the aura around the two items, and in a blinding flash, the knife was gone and the white sugar had turned a metal gray as the label know read ‘KNIFE POWDER’ in a barely legible brutalist red font. She dropped the bag into a cart full of odds and more odds where it immediately burst in several places and began leaking the strange powder all over the floor.

“Great job stocking this store with everything the ponies of Ponyville need!” Starlight said sarcastically as she got on her hind legs and leaned against the cart.

“Speaking of things we need,” Filthy Rich grumble under his breath, “this village could REALLY use a police force, or even a well-intended militia to make sure you take your meds… or at least ponies willing to dose you with rainbow friendship beams from time to time...”

“What was that?!” Starlight snapped.

“I said, ‘Thank YOU for shopping Rich’s Barnyard Bargains’!” he replied as a put on a well-practiced smile. “As always, we appreciate your patronage and the fact you’ve kept your spree of frustration-fueled chaos from destroying the entire store!”

“Yeah, that’s what I thought!” Starlight added as she began walking away, creating several trails of knife powder behind her.

Filthy Rich frowned heavily at the trails and touched one, recoiling as he did. He brought his hoof up to his good eye and noted it was now trickling blood out of several small lacerations. “Cleanup on Aisle 14!” he called out. “Bring a broom, dustpan, safety goggles, and a breathing mask…” Filthy Rich continued to look on as quite a bit more blood dripped from his hoof. “…and maybe a couple pair of greaves.”

“Ready!” Starlight called out.

“Me, too!” Trixie replied.

Both mares rounded the end of aisles where they met up at the pile of medicine boxes now sticky and soaked in various colored liquids, the center of this medicinal doughnut being a formerly white unicorn now covered in splashes of bright colors like an abstract artist was going through their ‘neon’ phase. “Hahaha, Oh man… How many planets are there in the solar system?! ‘Cause I count at least nine!” Vinyl uttered as she stared up at the ceiling in a haze, one of her back legs twitching.

Starlight couldn’t help but groan as she looked over at Trixie and the assortment of items she had gathered. “Really?!”

Trixie returned Starlight’s groan with a glare. “Yes, really! This is what friends do, Starlight!” Trixie said as she deposited two forty ounce bottles of a fizzy brown liquid next to Vinyl. “Friends enable each other!”

Vinyl gasped. “Brown party liquor! My mare!” she said excitedly as she took one of the bottles in a warm lilac glow, jammed it against her horn causing some of the liquid to spray all over her before she brought the hole up to her mouth and tried to drink the rest of the entire forty.

Trixie continued in her indignant tone, “Or is that something that’s only covered in the PhD-level classes at the made-up friendship university in your head?!”

“Not that!” Starlight exclaimed. “That!” she motioned to Trixie’s carts mostly full of ends and more ends.

“These are all things Twilight needs!” Trixie insisted.

Starlight rolled her eyes and trotted over to the cart. She began rummaging through it. “Your favorite flavor of ice-cream, your favorite cereal… a light-blue towel with stars and moons on it that’s monogrammed with the initials T.L.”

“Yes!” Trixie insisted. “For Twi-Light!”

Starlight shook her head and continued to rummage through the cart. “Okay, well those are clearly just items you want! But you also have a whip… ball gags… two sets of hoof-cuffs,” Starlight squinted. “Some sort of wiggly… phallic… thing that smells like a burrito…”

“Ah-ah! All lightly used items!” Trixie exclaimed.

Starlight rolled her eyes. “Of course they are!”

“Trixie just thought Twilight needed to relax a little!” she insisted.

“Oh!” Starlight continued. “And my personal favorite, an entire rack of magazines,” she said giving Trixie a bemused grimace. “Not even just the magazines, but the rack they’re on!”

It was Trixie’s turn to roll her eyes. “Well, I needed something to carry all those magazines! And it’s not like I grabbed Twilight every magazine! Just the diet and fitness ones!”

Starlight let out an exasperated groan. “Trixie, it’s pretty clear the rest of these items are just to further your campaign of sexually frustrated-fueled hate against Twilight!”

Trixie’s face scrunched up in annoyance. “Oh yeah?!”

“Uh… Yes,” Starlight replied.

Trixie leaned closer to Starlight as her expression became increasingly infuriated. “Oh yeah?!”

“Yes! I already said ‘yes’!”

“Well Trixie doesn’t actually have a compelling counterargument!” Trixie exclaimed. “She just thought yelling would solve her problem!”

“Yo! You tell that psychedelic, half-melting, mushroom Leprechaun, Trix!” Vinyl chirped.

Starlight just sighed. “Yelling doesn’t solve anything, Trixie! Only magic and friendship solve problems!”

“Okay, well where does common sense fit in there?” Trixie asked.

Starlight blew a dismissive gust of air. “In the garbage where it belongs is the answer to that question!”

“Also booze and drugs!” Vinyl chimed in. “Don’t forget all the problems they solve! Like… sobriety!”

Starlight bobbed her head back and forth for a moment as she considered this. “Yes, soporific substances often solve problems or are at least suitable distractions.”

“Boom! You just made up a word!” Vinyl declared.

Starlight’s forehead tightened, and she thought for a moment. “What word?! Soporific?! Ugggh! Maybe this store carries a dictionary or even a thesaurus.”

“Oh man, right?!” Vinyl replied. “How cool would it be if the store sold dinosaurs!”

Starlight’s forehead tightened. She looked at Trixie. “You know… Wouldn’t it be great if your friend just… didn’t talk? Like… she only responded via nods and shaking her head?”

“Dude, super not cool!” Vinyl protested.

“Hmmm… I suspect that would be rather disappointing,” Trixie replied.

Starlight gave Trixie a helpful smile. “I know the spell off the top of my head! Just one little spell and things get much quieter! Not only is it magic, we’d be using it on a friend!”

“Dude, super not-cool two turbo edition!”

Trixie shook her head. “Honestly, Vinyl’s quips help drown out all the crying and pained moans from the other ponies in the store.”

“Ugh, fine!” Starlight snapped. “Your cart of items is still not anything Twilight would actually want!”

Trixie grit her teeth. “Well, let’s have a look at your items!” she said as she walked gingerly over the boxes, puddles, and sprayed out and strung out pony in the aisle.

“Uh…” Trixie stared at the items in Starlight’s cart in confusion as she lifted them one by one and strained her eyes to make out the labels. “Taco spray… Cool wrap… Ouija flakes… tick acid…” Trixie pursed her lips at the next item. “Emo Dip…” She shook her head. “Starlight, almost all of these items couldn’t have possibly come from inside the store, let alone this reality!”

“I know!” Starlight said. “This store selection is disappointing! REAL LIFE is disappointing! I had to improvise to cover all our bases!” She sighed. “I even had to make up a slogan for the Ouija flakes.”

Trixie floated up the box up to her face in a lilac glow. “‘Part of a legitimately haunted breakfast!’” She put the box back down, which let out a soft, disconcerting moan, and then stared at Starlight. “Starlight, why did you make these?!”

Starlight chuckled. “I thought they would really raise spirits around the castle!”

Trixie cringed and sneered angrily at Starlight.

“Dude, that hurt my soul!” Vinyl exclaimed. “And in this state, that’s like the worst pain ever!”

Trixie shook her head. “I can’t believe you got on my case about that legible comment…”

“Pffft! HAH!” Starlight replied. “You’re just mad that mine was way more clever.”

Trixie’s glare only increased. “Trixie chooses not to confirm nor deny that… Anyway, I doubt Twilight is going to be interested in stuff she’s never even conceived of…”

Starlight smirked. “Clearly you don’t know her as well as you think you do or how many times she has accidentally summoned abominations from other planes of existence.”

“Does she know Jeff?”

Trixie looked down at Vinyl quizzically. “Who or what is a ‘Jeff’, Silly Rabbit?”

“He’s like… this abyss spider?” Vinyl answered. “Seems like a pretty chill guy… Think he’s hitting on my spirit, though…”

Starlight closed her eyes hard and raised a forehoof to her forehead. “Vinyl just, float away…”

“Dude! Don’t tell me how to live my astral life!”

“I’m sure she’ll be fine, Starlight,” Trixie said, “or left a no more bizarre mental mess than usual... ” Trixie shook her head. “Twilight’s bizzare interest in the things-no-pony-was-meant-to-know, aside, the only thing useful in here that you clearly made from magic is the towel polish, and that’s only because I’ll need it for my-er-Twilight’s new towel.”

“Okay! So maybe I got a little creative!” Starlight admitted as she threw a forehoof up in the air. “Just going for friendship extra credit points, here!”

“…Trixie is completely uncertain as to how one can quantify friendship like that…”

Starlight smiled. “Well, you see, Twilight has a given me friendship tasks to be completed on a sliding scale of how well I did that she’s translated to a numerical system that also converts to a letter-based grade—”

Trixie held up a forehoof to stop Starlight. “Trixie also doesn’t care.”

“Ugh, right!” Vinyl exclaimed. “Boring!” She floated up a bottle and shook it. “Here! Have some of these candies! They really take the edge off!”

Starlight glanced at the bottle. “These are grape flavored pain killers for foals…”

“Hah!” Vinyl replied. “Well, that’s a stupid name for candy… maybe a cool band name, though…”

Trixie continued going through items in Starlight’s cart. “Out of a cart full of things you decided to magically alchemize on the spot, I can only find one type of thing you actually grabbed from the store, and that’s the shovels.” Trixie did a quick count. “Five shovels.” She turned and stared at Starlight quizzically. “Why would Twilight need five shovels?”

Smiling, Starlight let out a “Hah!” before answering. “They’re not just for Twilight! I got one for everypony who lives at the castle! So that way we can all bury our horrible mistakes together and be buddies!” she added enthusiastically.

Trixie’s lilac eyes opened wide as they began to fill with tears. “You… you didn’t think to get a shovel for Trixie?!”

“What? Of course, I did!” Starlight said. “You’re around often enough and keeping your cart right by the castle dumpster practically makes you our roomy!” Starlight scrunched her lips slightly. “You know Twilight said you don’t have to keep your cart by the—”

“That location is convenient for Trixie!” Trixie snapped.

“Uh… alright,” Starlight said.

Trixie glanced at the shovels. “Well, if one of these is for me, then you’re missing a shovel.”

“What?” Starlight looked at the collection of shovels and counted. “No, I’m not! There’s five! One for everypony who sleeps in the castle and one for you!”

Trixie shook her head. “But five of you live in the castle!”

Starlight thought for a moment then laughed. “What, you mean Order?! Hah! Well… I guess I could always get another shovel and then shrink it… But I doubt it’ll do anyone that much good if he’s just burying stuff six millimeters under the ground.”

“… Who?!” Trixie replied in confusion.

“Order! You know… the all-seeing tiny dog that lives in Twilight’s table?”

“Duuuuuude...!” Vinyl exclaimed. “How high are we?!”

“Uh… riiiiight….” Trixie replied in an unsure tone of voice. “Well, I wasn’t talking about any tiny dogs…”

Starlight looked at Trixie in confusion. “Well, who then? There’s a shovel for Twilight, Spike, you, me, and I even got one for Tempest!”

“You forgot Grubber!” Trixie exclaimed.

“… Who?!” Starlight replied in confusion.

“Tempest’s minion!” Trixie clarified. “He runs around doing anything Tempest asks! And also, anything Trixie asks when Tempest isn’t around.”

“Oh, right…” Starlight thought for a moment. “I guess I always saw him more as a pet.”

“A pet that opens doors for Tempest, asks ponies how their days were, and makes Trixie tiny, delicious sandwiches when she asks?”

“… A well-trained pet!” Starlight clarified.

Trixie sighed and looked over the collection of items. “So, we have a bunch of items that never existed until a few minutes, ago, five—”

“SIX!” Starlight continued as there was a ‘THUD!’ a scream of “My OTHER eye!” another scream of “My CABBAGES! AGAIN!” and then another shovel floating from elsewhere in the store which was added to her cart.

“— six shovels, and then my items… of which Trixie freely admits she either got for herself or to annoy Twilight…”

“And ONE wasted pony!” Vinyl said enthusiastically.

Trixie nodded. “Right, and one wasted pony as well as a bunch of not-so-gently-used pharmaceuticals.” Trixie shook her head. “As much fun as this has been, we should probably cut our losses, buy everything we gathered here, and then go back to ask what that last item is.”

Starlight smiled and smacked her lips. “Nope! I have a better idea!”

Trixie sighed, picked up a mostly empty bottle of beer and mostly empty jug of cough syrup and quickly quaffed their contents.

Starlight Shunts the Entire Store into Another Dimension

“HOW DOES THIS HELP US GET THE LAST ITEM?!” Trixie cried, her voice a chaotic mix of emotions. Emotions such as frustration, pure-bewilderment, and perhaps just a dab of fear as she looked at the shifting, dome-shaped maelstrom of unworldly energies unraveling before her eyes. Deep within this maelstrom, the foul, ghostly bellows of an ethereal goat echoed out of this void, piercing the ears of those unfortunate enough to stand too close to the shifting void a supermarket had stood mere moments ago. A supermarket Trixie, her friend Vinyl Scratch, and her BFFaPiIC (Best Friend Forever and Partner in Incidental Crime) Starlight Glimmer had also been in moments ago before Starlight had teleported them all out.

But now, these three unicorns and their wares were the only recent occupants of the store who weren’t in another plane of existence.

“Duuuuude! It’s full of stars!” Vinyl uttered, her glasses lifted so she could stare with heavily dilated pupils from inside a pool of unopened and opened pills, cough syrup, and mouthwash bottles; all of which were contained in yet another grocery cart the mares had collected. “And also moons, four-leaf clovers, and balloons!” she added as she stared at a box of cereal she shook playfully in front of her face in a lilac glow.

Correction: Starlight, Trixie, and Vinyl were the only three former occupants who weren’t physically in another plane of existence.

Starlight smirked at Trixie and shook her head. “Trixie, Trixie, Trixie… There are basic tricks that even ancient unicorn wizards have understood in these situations.”

Trixie narrowed her eyes. “Trixie is unsure if you’re being serious or hoping she starts hate-snogging you. Please elaborate with far less smug. I’m finding it increasingly hard to control my emotions and my—Twilight’s—ice cream is still melting.”

“If you’re stuck with a problem you can’t solve, shove it into another dimension until a solution arrives or you forget about it!” Starlight exclaimed, then shook her head. “Twilight can’t get upset if we left off an item due to unforeseen—but natural—weather phenomena!” Starlight continued as she tapped the side of her head in a ‘think, think’ manner, her smug smile remaining.

Trixie threw her forehooves up in the air. “Things disappearing into unpredicted TEARS in reality is NOT natural, Starlight! Furthermore, it pretty much never happened in Equestria until you showed up!”

“Correlation does not equal causation, Trixie.”

Trixie narrowed her eyes. “Stop using smart words to justify being stupid! Trixie knows you are LITERALLY the cause for all of these!”

Starlight gave Trixie an incredulous look. “That’s patently false! Discord has created some of them! Remember that time he was really mad at trees for getting in the way of his kites?”

“That was you!”

“Uh… right… right…” Starlight thought for a moment. “Okay, remember that time he was really mad at tubas?”

Trixie pursed her lips in annoyance. “Also you!”

Starlight forced a very symmetrical smile. “…Bunnies?”

Trixie groaned. “Okay, yes… THAT was Discord… he messed up a fair amount of my magic tricks with that little tantrum, but most the other times where you!”

“Okay, you got me,” Starlight admitted. “The important thing is I have plausible deniability!”

Trixie frowned heavily. “Only in that there is one other entity who maybe would have done this!”

“Two!” Starlight clarified. “Star Swirl the Bearded is back, and who’s to say he didn’t get mad that the store was out of ‘beard glaze’ and shunt it to another dimension out of frustration?”

Trixie rolled his eyes. “As if such an accomplished wizard would throw a tantrum like that.”

Starlight snickered. “Now who’s trying to sound smart to justify saying stupid things?”

Trixie frowned slightly. “No, no, you’re right… I would probably shunt an entire store into another dimension if I was able and in a mood.”

Starlight’s smirk replied. “In a mood like somepony ate the last piece of pizza ‘in a mood’?!”

“Trixie already stated she didn’t want to talk about that moment!” Trixie sighed. “Plus, that wasn’t my fault… I had already licked the last piece to claim it as my own! Tempest should have known better than to eat it without asking if it had been licked or maybe to politely ask why she was being roughly smooched before getting violent!”

“Uh… dudes, where’s my store?” Vinyl asked as she raised her sunglasses and stared at the dome of shifting colors. “And why is it all Lucky Charms over there?”

Starlight chuckled. “The store had a… mishap! It’s just a little temporarily displaced, dimensionally speaking.” She swatted at the air. “You know these things happen.”

Vinyl scrunched her lips. “What… like with the tubas?”

Starlight grimaced.

Trixie raised an eyebrow. “You’re more familiar than that then the incident with the trees?”

“Pffft… Who cares about trees!” Vinyl said.

“Heeeeey, what the actual eff?!” a female’s voice called out, or more accurately, pondered in a vexed tone.

“Crap! It’s Tree Hugger!” Vinyl dove into the mess of bottles and boxes in her cart. “For Kids! Hide me!”

Trixie glanced at the cart. “You are hidden… So long as no one thinks ‘jackpot’ when they see a shopping cart full of cough syrup, antihistamines, and malt liquor.”

“Welp, then I’m screwed!” Vinyl exclaimed.

“Why does everyone remember the trees… and the tubas for that matter?!” Starlight lamented. “Won’t somepony please think of the bunnies disappearing!”

“Ohhh… Good idea!” Vinyl exclaimed. “Hey, Trix! Make this Silly Rabbit disappear!”

Trixie sighed. “The GRRRRRRRRREAT and POWERFUL TRRRRRRIXIE requires a sheet from her lovely assistant.” She looked at Starlight expectantly.

Rolling her eyes, Starlight’s horn glowed an electric blue as a blanket which resembled a much larger version of Trixie’s cape fell over the shopping cart.

Trixie smiled. “And now Trixie just says the magic words!” Trixie reared back and waved her hooves about. “AbbracaKeepYourHoovesAndHornInTheCartAtAllTimes!”

“Wait, what the e—”

Trixie’s horn burst with lilac energy cutting off Vinyl. With another glow of her horn, she removed the blanket revealing a pile of wood roughly the shape and dimension of the cart. “Ta-da!”

Starlight smiled. “Wow, you’re getting better with teleportation. Where’d you send the cart?”

“Oh, Twilight’s study,” Trixie said dismissively.

“WHAT?!” Starlight exclaimed. “What the actual eff, Trixie?”

Trixie put on a manic grin. “Honestly? Trixie thrives on conflict! Without a constant stream of ponies stressing out around me, I feel empty. And knowing I’ve helped cause the stress gives Trixie life!”

Starlight growled in irritation.

Trixie rotated a forehoof upwards as her voice shifted to a ‘matter of factual’ tone. “And she knows you love her too much to be angry at her for too long.”

“… I hate that you’re right.”

Trixie smirked and lowered her eyelids as she looked back at Starlight. “I thrive on hatred as well, you’re only encouraging Trixie.”

“… I despise you so much right now…” Starlight said in a simmering tone.

“I love you, too,” Trixie said as she leaned forward and gave Starlight a light smooch on the lips.

Before Starlight could formulate a proper response, of which she had a VERY wide range of options to choose from, Tree Hugger’s voice sounded out again. “Whoa… that weird portal thing is throwing off my vibe…”

Starlight and Trixie turned as the light green earth pony mare trotted up. She wore a yellow bandana with a design of daisies over her mop of reddish burnt orange dreadlocks as well as a slightly glazed over look on her lilac-colored eyes. Trotting up to the other two ponies, Tree Hugger sat on her flank with its red, heart-shaped tree cutie mark and stared at the violently swirling mass of colors as if she was half-hypnotized by what she saw. Which, truthfully, wasn’t all that different from her default expression.

“And by that, I mean brutally prison-shanking my vibe to death,” she added.

Starlight just groaned. “Look, we’re kind of in the middle of something,” — She made a little ‘shoo, shoo’ motion with her forehooves — “so if you can just be on your way…”

Tree Hugger frowned heavily at the store. “But I had things to get from that store! I’d probably even remember which things if I had a chance to see them!”

Starlight groaned. “Trixie, I tried asking politely… What’s the step in between that and disintegrating a pony to make them go away?”

Tree Hugger cringed. “My vibe? Also, now on fire as it bleeds out…”

Trixie frowned heavily. “Honestly, Trixie is a tad worried you skipped a few steps.”

Starlight let out a heavy sigh. “Well, I know I’m not allowed to use mind control anymore, and Twilight lectured me for using a sleep spell on Tempest’s pet when it was annoying me.”

“Grubber! His name is Grubber!” Trixie exclaimed. “We’ve been over this!”

“Okay, okay!” Starlight snapped. “Sorry! I’m just under a lot of stress right now. Thanks to you!” Starlight added coldly.

Trixie giggled. “Yeah…” she murmured wistfully.

“Sounds like you need something to help you chillax,” Tree Hugger mused. She reached up into her bandana. “I’ve got just the thi—”

“Seriously!” Starlight snapped. “Stop talking! My horn is starting to feel twitchy!”

“Harsh toke…” Tree Hugger replied dejectedly as she returned her forehoof to the ground.

Trixie shook her head. “I can’t help but feel you passed up a rather golden, or green in this case, opportunity for yourself, Starlight.”

“Well, she won’t leave us alone!” Starlight whined as she motioned to Tree Hugger.

Trixie grinned. “You mean leaf us alone!”

Starlight let out an anguished groan. “Enough with the trees already!”

Trixie sighed and shook her head. “Nevermind… Perhaps another day when you’re likely to be a little less paranoid… Let me try something,” Trixie said. She looked over at Tree Hugger “If I give you half a box of individually wrapped snack foods, will you stop talking to us?” Trixie asked.

A smile finally inched its way onto Tree Hugger’s face. “How’d you know individually wrapped snack foods where the ones that speak to my soul?”

“Lucky guess…” Trixie said as she pulled out a rectangular box from one of the carts, opened it, and pulled out five golden yellow oblong sponge-cakes wrapped in plastic and laid them in a pile at Tree Hugger’s hooves.

“Thanks, bra!” Tree Hugger exclaimed as she fell on one of the cakes with both forelegs and ripped at the plastic with her teeth.

“Better?” Trixie asked Starlight.

Starlight smiled. “Yes! Much! I can finally think straight.” She frowned. “A thought occurs that I’m pretty hosed here.”

Trixie nodded. “Yes, that does seem to be the long, short, and everything in between of it.”

Starlight sighed and hung her head. “Well, this is it… I guess I have to face the facts, and admit I made a mistake… Hopefully, Twilight will at least recognize I’ve learned enough about friendship to see when I’m in over my head and when it’s time to come clean.”

Trixie smiled and nodded. “Why Starlight, that sounds very responsible of you!”

Starlight smiled. “Doesn’t it?” she replied as she pulled out the various items she and Trixie had collected in their carts and began to trot in the direction of Twilight’s castle. “I mean… that’s gotta be at least partial friendship credit!”

Trixie trotted after Starlight. “But would you be saying that if I hadn’t forced your hoof here?”

“I’m still mad at you!” Starlight snapped.

Trixie clenched her eyes shut and smiled wide as she suddenly shivered from horn to hooves. “Good!” she replied as she resumed following Starlight.

Starlight does not come clean

Pushing in a grocery cart full of items, Starlight Glimmer trudged into the foyer of Twilight’s large castle looking like an earth pony foal who had just been caught with its hoof stuck in the cookie jar. A rather specific look in the land of ponies because an earth pony had no reasonable way of grabbing a cookie from a jar and would realize jars where an utterly preposterous way to store cookies unless one was a unicorn or had prehensile wings. Likewise pushing a cart, in stark contrast to Starlight’s gloomy and irritated behavior, Trixie walked in looking like the pony who had stood and watched while laughing at the cookie-jar pony’s misfortune.

Twilight Sparkle, Spike, Tempest Shadow, and Grubber where already waiting inside, the group gathered around a disoriented Vinyl, in her odd pile of bottles, who was going on and on about worlds of shifting colors, disappearing buildings, and how it was kinda unfair filly’s and colts didn’t just let this one rabbit have some cereal.

“Twilight, Spike,” Starlight greeted, adding, “other pony who just kinda hangs out at the castle like she lives here…”

Tempest raised an eyebrow. “Seriously? You’re going there right out of the gate? To say nothing of your predicament, Trixie is standing right there.”

Trixie frowned. “Sorry Starlight, but Tempest has a point, for once.”

“What was that?!” Tempest growled as she opened up her eyes widely as a few angry sparks hissed out from her horn in Trixie’s direction.

Trixie worriedly eyed Tempest’s lightening maker and scooched closer to Starlight. “You should vet your ‘sick burns’ with me before saying them out loud.”

Starlight frowned. “But I’ve been working on that one for like a week!”

“Really?” Trixie said in surprise. “You really can’t tell…”

“Yeah, I’m also with Tempest on this one,” Spike informed. “Also, aren’t you forgetting someone?”

“Trixie?” Starlight replied in confusion. “She was with me!”

“Not her!” Spike cried.

Starlight scanned the ponies present once more. “… Twilight’s wings?”

Trixie smacked a forehoof against her face.

Twilight spoke up, “I don’t think that’s what Spike meant, Starlight.”

Starlight’s attention focused unto the hedgehog in the group who was impatiently tapping a foot on the ground.

“Ooooh, yeeeeeaaaaah… Hello… you!”

Trixie groaned.

Grubber narrowed his eyes. “You sthill don’t remember my name, do you?!”

“Of course I do! It’s uh… uh… Flubber!”

“It’s Grubber!” Trixie snapped. “We’ve been over this today, in fact.”

Tempest smirked. “Wow. Some friend you are.”

Grubber began to sniffle. “I… I can’t beliethe even after all this time you barely remember me.”

“…Me neither, to be honest,” Twilight chimed in.

Starlight pursed her into a tight frown. “Grubber, if I gave you some taco spray right now, would that make you feel better?”

Grubber inhaled as his face lit up. “And how!”

With an electric blue glow of her horn, Starlight fished out a spray-can labeled “TACO SPRAY!” with festive lettering a text and floated it over to Grubber. Grubber immediately began to spray the contents into his mouth.

“Whoa!” Vinyl chimed in from her piles of sophomoric and mind-altering substances. “You’re giving away free taco spray?! Hook me up!”

Starlight complied by handing out another can.

Trixie gave Starlight’s cart a scrutinizing look. “How many of those did you make?”

Starlight shrugged “Enough.” She turned towards Twilight. “Sooo… as you can see we brought back the groceries you wanted… and several more that didn’t exist until this morning.”

“I can see that,” Twilight said. “Er… Was it really necessary to bring the shopping carts… And teleport Vinyl here?”

Starlight swallowed. “Well… you see… there was an accident at the grocery store…”

Twilight nodded, “Yes, Vinyl had some rather interesting things to say about that.”

“That grocery store fell into an alternate dimension all on its own, I swear!” Starlight exclaimed.

All eyes suddenly fell on Starlight.

Trixie sighed and shook her head and turned back towards Twilight. “… Aaand, did you understand any of it?”

Twilight frowned. “Well, unless we’re really going to be invaded by the pony-eating frogmen of Omicron Persei 8, no!”

Trixie nodded. “I thought as much.”

Twilight looked at Starlight and raised an eyebrow. “What the heck happened to the store?!”

“Uhhh…” Starlight swallowed.

Trixie just chuckled and shook her head. “You’re your own worst enemy, Starlight Glimmer… too bad you’re also everypony else’s worst enemy too.”

Starlight sighed. “Look Twilight, the truth is… The truth is I had trouble reading one of the items you sent me out to get and…” She took a deep breath. “Rather than risk disappointing you, erm… well… One thing led to another, and before anypony knew it, the store was gone!”

Twilight and Spike glared at Starlight expectantly.

“Erm… because of a dimensional teleportation mishap…”

The double-glaring intensified.

“… That I am the direct cause of.”

Twilight’s expression softened. “There, was that so hard to admit?” she asked.

“Yes,” Starlight said. “So hard that I struggled to not also send you and Spike to another dimension rather than continue this conversation…”

Spike cringed.

Twilight just smiled. “Well, I’m glad you successfully conquered your urge to do that!”

Tempest found herself glaring daggers at Starlight. “Plus, if you did, I’d probably have killed you.”

Starlight smirked. “I’m confident there’s no problem that can’t be fixed through liberal use of dimensional portals…” Her eyes shot opened widely. “Wow, I really see why Star Swirl favors this tactic.” She frowned. “Too bad it couldn’t help me identify the last thing on the list!” Starlight lamented as she produced the singed piece of paper in an electric glow of her magic.

Twilight took the paper with her own magenta glow. “Well… I guess I was in a hurry when I wrote this considering all the fire…”

Spike nodded. “Yeah, there was an awful lot of that going around…”

Twilight looked at Starlight. “So, what did you think it said?”

“Smeet Pieches?” Starlight offered with a grin.

“What?!” Twilight replied. “Why would I write that?! That’s not even anything!”

Starlight thought for a moment. “In hindsight, I suppose we could have tried getting items that soundedlike it… Like… sweet peaches…”

Twilight winced. “No! No peaches! I overindulged on peaches years ago and never want to eat them again.” She shook her head. “The stories I could tell…”

“Well, what was it then?” Trixie asked.

“Fire extinguishers!” Twilight informed.

Starlight and Trixie examined the list again, squinted, and tilted their heads slightly. “Oh, yeeeeaaaaah…” they uttered as Spike let out a belch that which engulfed a pair of green window drapes.

“Whoops, excuse me,” Spike said as Tempest and Grubber immediately set about taking down the banner and trying to stamp the fire out.

Starlight rubbed the back of her head. “Look Twilight… I’m… I’m really sorry that I over-reacted by teleporting a store full of ponies to another dimension. You must be disappointed in me,” she added dejectedly.

Twilight sighed as flashing otherworldly lights poured in from the newly exposed window, “Well, yeah I’m upset you shunted the store into another dimension, but I’m even more upset you didn’t think you could just come back and ask me what the last item was without me getting upset!”

Spike interjected. “Especially when it would have taken you like… 30 seconds… a minute tops.”

“That’s what I said!” Trixie griped.

Starlight grunted in protest. “But that would be too easy! I was going for advanced friendship points here!”

Tempest’s lips contorted as she mulled over Starlight’s response. “Well, that just sounds… crazy…”

“I also said that!”

Tempest glanced at Trixie. “And yet you did nothing to stop any of this!”

Trixie sat on her haunches and pointed to herself with a forehoof. “Trixie just likes saying ‘I told you so’s. I don’t actually want to have to do something about the trouble Starlight causes.”

Twilight let out an irritated growl. “I see there’s more than one pony in here whose behavior we need to address.”

Tempest raised an eyebrow. “Do you… do you all realize you sound insane? Starlight sent a grocery store to another dimension and we’re mostly focused on how she needs to be better at friendship!”

“Hey!” Twilight protested. “Friendship is important! Remember how it saved you?”

“Yes… and I also remembered participating in conquering, raiding, and subjugating! Learning a lesson is great and all that, but does just ‘becoming a good friend’ really just make up for all that?!”

Twilight thought for a moment then smiled. “Yes, Tempest…” Twilight assured as she patted Tempest on the shoulder. “Yes, it does. And as long as you continue to be a good friend, I’ll always be there for you!”

Tempest raised an eyebrow. “Twilight, I’m eternally grateful, but really think you and the other princesses need to have a long talk about the Equestrian justice system, or lack-there-of.”

Starlight cleared her throat. “Now, let’s not bicker and argue over who should be punished for this-or-that crime against Ponykind… the important thing is that I’ve learned a valuable lesson of about asking for help when I’m in over my head.”

Twilight smiled. “Well, that’s all anypony could ask for!”

“… I can think of quite a few other things,” Tempest said.

“Yeah!” Grubber piped up. “Like… Where are we gonna get food if the sthore is gone?!”

“Where will Vinyl get her brown party liquor?!” Vinyl exclaimed.

Trixie looked over at her friend. “You know you could maybe just buy wine and cider and ruin yourself like an adult, right?”

Vinyl glared back at Trixie. “Hey! Do I judge you for your dumpster diving for your Twilight ‘mane pile’?! No!”

“Wait, what?!” Twilight exclaimed.

“Trixie has an idea!” Trixie exclaimed. “Let’s all go back to talking about the bad, naughty stuff Starlight does!”

“Like maybe getting ponies hurt or killed?” Tempest chimed in. “I mean, as much as I don’t think we should just put a pin in this mane pile thing, I kinda agree that what happened to the store takes precedence.”

“Oh, that!” Starlight said. Sher shook her head. “Look… It’ll be back in a few days! And aside from a few encounters with abyss-horrors like Flesh-renders and Scalp-chewers, the ponies will be fine. Some might even have bonus appendages!”

“Uh, Starlight?” Spike interjected. “That doesn’t sound very ‘fine’ to me! In fact, Tempest might be right! Ponies could be in dang—”

A melodic voice wafted into the room from outside, seemingly permeating everything and everypony. The group all stopped what they were doing and listened intensely.

“What is that?!” Starlight cried as began to quiver uncomfortably in place.

“That’s gotta be Tree Hugger!” Vinyl said. “I’d know the sounds of ‘sonic bliss’ anywhere!”

“Well, It sounds like a bunch of squirrels being slowly murdered by a heavy rolling pin.”

“I know, right!” Grubber agreed excitedly. “But, like… in a good way!”

“… Really?” Starlight said.

Grubber smiled. “Hey, this music somehow speaths to my soul!”

“Hey!” Spike called out from the window that was now missing a drape. “Something’s happening outside!”

“The dimensions are re-aligning!” Twilight quipped as the psychedelic glow from outside abated.

“The sthore is coming back!” Grubber exclaimed.

“Yep!” Vinyl said. “Sweet, sweet savior of status-quo!

Tempest chimed in. “A thought occurs that any one of us could have been keeping an eye on Starlight from any number of windows in the castle…”

Trixie smiled widely. “And all the ponies in the store are fine!” She said as ponies began to pour out of the store. Some crying while others trotted out in a near cationic state and a few flung themselves onto the ground around the store and began to kiss it as if they had taken it for granted in the short time they had been away. “Mostly!” Trixie added.

“And because everything fixed itself,” Starlight began, “nopony has to be punished and we can drop this subject entirely!” She punctuated her statement with an excited “Yay!”

Twilight gave Starlight a knowing smirk. “Well… You still need to pick up some fire extinguishers.”

“Hah! You got me there!” She said happily. “Guess I can’t win for losing!”

“You just did…” Tempest commented. “You literally just did!”

“Haha! Nope!” Twilight said to Starlight at the two mares shared a quick embrace.

Tempest looked at Twilight and Starlight in bewilderment. “Really? That’s… that’s it? Reckless endangerment gets a hug and a told ‘try better next time’?!”

“I hear ya,” Spike said. “But you get used to it after a while.” He said with a shrug. Spike shook his head. “I mean… You shoulda saw what happened the last time somepony messed up Starlight’s hayburger order.” He chuckled to himself. “Sooo much ketchup pumped out of sooo many stomachs!”

Something behind Tempest’s eyes snapped. She took a deep breath, then let it out. “I’m just going to… I don’t know... Commandeer a zeppelin and tell everyone the Storm King is gone for a bit… I’ll be back… Uh… Whenever I feel I’ve put enough time in between myself in this event to interact with Starlight again without my mind immediately jumping to violence.”

“See! You’re getting it!” Spike said happily. “Have fun! Have Grubber send us postcards!”

Tempest smirked. “Will do! And showing up in places in the Storm King’s zeppelin is bound to freak everyone out, so fun won’t be a problem.” She looked at Grubber. “Come on, Grubber.”

“No! Don’t take my personal masseuse!” Trixie pleaded.

“Sorry, Trixie!” Grubber said. “Duty calls!” He looked up at Tempest. “Can I at leasth take as much Taco Spray as I can carry?”

Tempest sighed. “Oh, Grubber… Of course!”

Grubber pumped a fist into the air. “Yes!” he shouted before climbing up into and diving into Starlight’s cart. He came out with two arms full of spray cans and leapt out of the cart.

“Okay… Can we now grab some bandages and disinfectant?” Grubber asked. “I think I cut myselth pretty bad on some knife powder in there.

Tempest just chuckled knowingly. “We’ll see Grubber… We’ll see…”

“Why must Trixie suffer even though she did nothing wrong?! Whhhhhyyyyy?!”

Vinyl took a moment to look at the events around her. “So, uh… Can somepony like… teleport me home? Or like… Go tell Octi to bring a wheelbarrow for me? I pretty much have no idea what’s going on…”

The End

“No seriously… Put those big floating words in the sky away! I’m too wasted to know what’s going on and I wanna go home!”

The End!

“Awww… diss.”

Starlight and Trixie mess up buying groceries

Two sets of eyes fixated on a single a point. A point, that if one squinted at quite hard and tilted their head one way then the next, might look to contain words scrawled out haphazardly on an index card that was slightly charred. The lilac pair of eyes was focused curiously on the words, shifting here and there quickly; the inquisitive orbs constantly attempting to see what was presumed to be letters from different angles as if a new perspective might unlock the hidden message. The deep amethyst eyes simply stared on with a deep frustration as if this mystery message had wronged the owner personally.

“I think it says ‘smeet pichies’,” Trixie suggested as she averted her gaze from the index card held aloft in an electric blue glow.

Starlight’s frustrated grimace only deepened. “What the living crap is ‘smeet pichies’?!”

Trixie pondered this question for a moment then pointed at the index card. “It’s the thing that Twilight wants!”

Starlight let out a groan. “That’s not a helpful answer, Trixie!” She began cycling through the pile of cards held aloft with her magic. “I don’t get it… Not only are Twilight’s grocery lists usually super predictable, her writing is crazy legible! I mean, it pretty much puts typewriters to shame!” Starlight cycled back to the odd card out. “Yet, somehow she wrote down something completely garbled that also looks like it was on fire at some point…” Starlight thought about this for a moment. “Like… I don’t know… she was having a seizure while accidentally casting fire spells!” She let out a frustrated groan. “And I’m usually great with barely legible writing!”

Trixie took another glance at the list. “Yes, it does looks like that word or words found a ledge then jumped off it as soon it was able.”

Starlight let out a small groan and raised a forehoof to her forehead. “Trixie, let me be your friend… Don’t make it difficult!”

Trixie simply replied with a chuckle. “Alright, fine… Serious mode…” Trixie’s smile morphed into something a bit less jovial. “Serious mode activated.” She pursed her lips in concern. “Did Twilight seem alright to you when she gave you the list?”

Starlight shrugged. “Well, she wasn’t actively fire-spasming when she gave me the list if that’s what you’re asking! Her mane looked a little singed, though.”

Trixie raised an eyebrow. “And you didn’t think to ask her why?”

Starlight shrugged. “Hey! Twilight has her secret magical experiments she doesn’t want anypony to know about, I have mine.”

“One, they’re not secret if you let everyone know about them, Starlight,” Trixie quipped.

Starlight nodded, “That’s a good note.”

“Two, how do you know Twilight even has secret magic experiments she doesn’t want anypony to find out about?”

Starlight chuckled. “Well, if she wanted anypony to find out about them, we’d know about them, wouldn’t we?”

Trixie furrowed her brow at Starlight. “As always, your logic is impeccable, Starlight Glimmer.”

Starlight’s eyes lit up as a catlike smile crossed her face.

Trixie just sighed. “I know that look. That was a nice day in Ponyville mostly devoid of ponies screaming we were having today.”

“Logic! That’s it!”

—“No houses or streets on fire…”—

“Logically, Twilight wouldn’t give me a random item out of the blue like this unless…”

—“Hospital mostly empty.”—

“It’s a test… A friendship test!”

Trixie squinted at the index card. “You think Twilight would just test you out of the blue like this?”

“Why not?” Starlight said with a smile. “Opportunities to learn more about friendship don’t just happen in classrooms, you know.” Starlight thought for a moment. “In fact, they almost never happen in classrooms.”

Trixie gave Starlight a sour look. “Trixie still doesn’t understand why you’re proud of being Twilight’s friendship student.”

Starlight smiled. “I’m a graduated friendship student. Really, this is more like getting my master’s degree in Friendship Studies.”

Trixie’s face tightened. “Every word you just said made Trixie want to smack you in your stupid smug face.” She tilted her head slightly. “Now consider the source of that for a bit.”

If Starlight heard, she made no indication. Instead, her face was once again looking over the mysterious index card of mystery. “Twilight must be wondering how a friend would handle this situation…”

“Teleport back and ask a friend, like Twilight Sparkle, what she meant?” Trixie suggested. “It would take like… 30 seconds. A minute tops.”

Starlight hummed thoughtfully to herself. “No, no… that’d be too easy… This has got to be an advanced friendship field test of some sort…”

“Or it’s just a note hurriedly written!” Trixie exclaimed. “And not a test at all!”

Starlight smirked at Trixie. “Whooo here knows Twilight better?”

Trixie frowned. “Well, you certainly spend more time with her, but I spend more time secretly reading her journals, notes for various things, and mail that’s sent to her… Not to mention sifting through her garbage and shouting things about how spankable her flank is and how her hooves are just begging to be feather tickled.” Trixie grunted in displeasure and stared at the tiled floor. “Things she mostly doesn’t see or hear because she’s too busy reading, preparing for classes, or ‘not being a creeper’ as Spike puts it.” Sighing heavily, Trixie starred up wistfully at the ceiling. “Why don’t you notice my hate for you, Twilight?”

Starlight patted Trixie’s shoulder. “I’m sure Twilight will notice and hateciprocate someday soon, Trixie. You just have to keep on riding that horse until she breaks under all the annoying things you do.” She frowned slightly. "Just make sure to let me know when she does; I want to be far, far away when that particular flood hits." Starlight paused and stared unseeing into the distance. "I don't want to be stuck with the mop up."

Trixie smiled at Starlight and nodded. “Thanks, Starlight, that sounds like really unhealthy life advice, but it’s exactly what I wanted to hear, so I’ve decided to agree with it.”

Starlight grinned. “That’s the spirit.” She held up the index card. “Now help me out with this!”

“For the record, I think asking Twilight is the smarter play, but your ideas are far more likely to irritate her, so sure, I’ll help.”

Starlight nodded. “First we need to find a pony to cast Ward of Omen’s sight-beyond-sight spell on.”

“…Trixie is unfamiliar with this spell… most spells, actually.”

“Now, Ward of Omen’s sight-beyond-sight spell, if you recall”—

“I do not. Trixie just explained this to you!”

— “works best if the target is blind! Otherwise, there’s a fair-to-middling chance that the target will go mad.”

Trixie frowned. “1,2, 3 not it!”

“No, no, no!” Starlight replied shaking her head. “I’m not going to cast it on one of us! I mean… Hah! How psychotic would that be? We’ll find a blind pony who we’re far less emotionally invested in and cast it on themso they can read the message and we won’t be the ones to potentially go insane!”

“Oh, that makes more sense,” Trixie said with an agreeing nod. “However, I can only think of one blind pony… and she’s not really fitting for times of the year other than Hearth’s Warming… also, she’s very dead.” Trixie pondered the issue a bit further. “Maybe we can find a nice, fiery-hot mustang for this spell.”

Starlight raised an eyebrow. “Does it have to be a hot mustang?”

Trixie shrugged. “Well, if he’s blind, I’d hope there was some trade off.”

Starlight quickly scanned the isles of the store and pointed with a forehoof. “Oh, what about her? She looks blind enough!”

Trixie followed Starlight’s hoof with her eyes, her face reflexively scrunched up when she saw who Starlight was pointing at. In this case, a unicorn mare white a white coat, two-tone electric blue mane and tail that looked like they were always partying if even the mare they were attached to was taking a short break. However, considering the mare was bobbing her head up and down and wearing headphones with a purple two-quarter note mark that matched her cutie mark and big black rimmed glasses with a dark purple tin to complete the ensemble, it seemed likely that ‘short break’ simply wasn’t in her vocabulary. “That’s Vinyl Scratch,” Trixie said dryly. “She played the music at your graduation party? She’s also visibly reading the labels on those cough syrup bottles.”

“Shoot… I just thought…. You know… with the glasses…”

“She wears those all the time,” Trixie informed. “Daytime, nighttime, outdoors, indoors, doesn’t matter to her.”

Starlight smiled at Trixie. “So, you’re telling me she’s most likely messed up her vision at this point.”

Trixie frowned. “Well… that’s not unlikely, but—”

Starlight nodded. “Good! I can work with that.” She trotted over to Vinyl, Trixie following close behind. “Hey, uh… Vinyl I need your help with something.”

Vinyl said nothing, instead opting to continue head bobbing and reading the labels of medicine in front of her.

“HELLLOOOO! VINYL SCRATCH!” Starlight yelled. “We’re talking to you!”

“Allow me,” Trixie said as she motioned to herself. She cleared her throat. “Dubstep is for pussies!” she exclaimed.

With a soft lilac flow, Vinyl’s headset was off in an instance. “Whoa… The eff?! Who said that?!” She demanded as she looked around. “Dubstep never dies!”

“Hello, Vinyl,” Trixie greeted.

“Oh! Heya, Trix,” Vinyl replied. “How’s tricks?”

Trixie once again motioned to herself. “The Grrrrrreat and Powerful Trrrrrrrrixie is doing quite well, thank you,” She motioned to Starlight, “but her lovely assistant here could use your help.”

“Uh, yeah, sure,” Vinyl said, “name it!” She took a moment to take a couple cough syrup bottles, one orange, the other purple, in her magic and looked back and forth between them as she floated them up and down. “But first… do you think they sell these in gallon jugs?”

With an electric glow of her horn, Starlight shot two rays of magic that hit both bottles. Both grew several times in size, as well as Vinyl’s pupils which became visible as her glasses nearly slid off her face. “Whoa-ho-ho! Now we’re talkin’!”

Starlight nodded. “Right, well… I just need to blast you with a spell that’ll let you perceive on a different plane of reality as your mental state ascends beyond the understanding of this world with its pitifully few dimensions.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” Vinyl replied as she shuffled back a few steps. “Are you a nark?!”

“Me?!” Starlight scoffed. “A nark?!” she scoffed a couple more times for good measure. “I don’t even know the meaning of the word!” She turned to Trixie, buried her muzzle in the blue unicorn’s ear, and whispered, “Seriously… what’s a nark?”

Trixie just chuckled. “Vinyl, it’s me! Trixie! Do you really think I’d hang out with a nark after all the things you’ve seen me do?”

“HAH! You got me there!” Vinyl shook her head. “After that night in Las Pegasus with your pops, that bucket of E, all that ketamine, and the jefferys we smoked, anyone who hangs out with you has gotta be cool by proxy.”

“… The heck is a jeffery?!” Starlight exclaimed.

“Shh!” Trixie hissed out harshly from behind a forehoof. “What goes on in Las Pegasus stays in Las Pegasus.” Trixie sniffled slightly. “Like my dad…”

Starlight tossed a forehoof into the air. “I don’t need details! I just don’t know what a jeffery is! That’s not even a word!”

Trixie placed her forehooves on Starlight’s shoulders. “That’s not important!” She directed Starlight to face a Vinyl-ward direction. “What is important is you have a willing subject for your spell.”

“Yeeeaaah! Give me a hit of that magic carpet ride, baby!”

Starlight motioned towards Vinyl. “Is she always like this?”

“Yes,” Trixie replied. “Cast the spell already! We’ve got ice cream waiting in that shopping cart!”

“Okay, fine!” Starlight snapped. She refocused her attention on Vinyl. “Just to warn you, you might experience brief bouts of permanent madness.”

“Dude! You do not need to gild the lily here!” Vinyl said happily. She looked straight up presenting her chin to Starlight. “Hit me!”

“Alright, here it goes!” Starlight said as her horn glowed electric blue. “You might want to close your eyes.”

Vinyl glanced down. “Oh, cool magic color, by the way, bra!”

‘BIZZZZAP!’

For a moment no pony said anything as the buzz of electrical energy seemingly swirled around Vinyl. Suddenly, a massive smile broke out across her face. “Wubba-lubba-dub-dub!” Vinyl exclaimed. “I can see forever!” she waved her a forehoof in front of her. “And forever is totes-mcgoats psychedelic!”She giggled to herself. “Just like being at the club!”

“Yeah, yeah,” Starlight said in an unamused tone. “We’re all super impressed by you living life on a particularly debauched edge.” Starlight held the index card in front of Vinyl’s face. “Can you tell us what this says?”

“Yeah, totally, dude!” With a soft lilac glow of her horn, Vinyl lifter her glasses and squinted at the card. “It says, ‘smeet pichies’!”

“Hah!” Trixie said smugly.

Starlight smacked a forehoof against her forehead. “There is no way it says ‘smeet pichies’! That’s not even a real word!”

“Of course not!” Trixie said. “It’s two not real words!”

Starlight groaned in displeasure. “What is it with you two and making up things?!”

Vinyl magically nudged her glasses back in place and nodded. “Well, maybe it doesn’t mean anything in this dimension, but you see… in the dimension of Wubs, it means something entirely different!”

Starlight let out a disgruntled grunt. “Like anything at all?!”

“See, they generally only speak through music—” Vinyl lifted her glasses with a forehoof and waggled her eyebrows at Starlight. “—and physical contact.”

“Well, can you come up with a better translation then?!” Starlight snapped.

Trixie rolled her eyes. “Starlight, you’re wasting your time! She’s just going to start ‘wubbing’ at you or—”

Vinyl leaned forward, stuck out her tongue all the way out, then dragged it up across Starlight’s face much to the purple unicorn’s surprise and displeasure.

“—uh, that…”

Vinyl smacked her lips. “Dude… you taste like cereal! Uh… like… uh… those colored loops with magic marshmallows… Manifest-Os!”

Starlight swatted at Vinyl a few times. “Oh, just go away! Go find a therapist or councilor to fix your crazy! And mention my name! You’ll get a group discount that way.”

“Alright, alright,” Vinyl said. Her horn glowed a soft lilac once more as she lifted the two giant bottles of cough syrup. “But I’m taking these pair of nice jugs with me!”

“Yes, fine! Just go!”

“Catcha later, For Kids!”

Trixie waved. “Bye, Silly Rabbit! Have fun!”

“Oh, you know I will!” Vinyl said as she walked directly into a shelf full of antihistamines that fell and formed a mound with her at the center. Her head popped out, her glasses hanging askew on her face. She looked around. “Hahaha… Oh man! My liver is gonna be maaaaaaaad at me tonight!”

Starlight let out a groan as she dragged both her forehooves down her face. “Okay, new plan!”

Trixie nodded. “Trixie’s body is ready, but I suspect things will not improve.”

“We both split up and grab whatever it is we think Twilight wrote down!” Starlight rubbed her forelegs together as a mischievous smile crossed her face. “Then I’ll graduate magna cum laude from Twilight’s School of Friendship Doctorate program for sure!”

Trixie rolled her eyes. “Now who’s making stuff up?”

Starlight shot Trixie a quick glare. “‘Magna cum laude’? That’s real!”

“That’s not what Trixie was talking about,” Trixie clarified.

“Look! Just grab some things and we’ll meet up here by the wasted blind pony!”

“She’s not blind!” Trixie exclaimed as she looked down at Vinyl as she began to enjoy the bounty of non-prescription medicine about her. “Well… Not currently, anyhow. Also, how do you know she won’t move?!”

Laying in a pile of non-prescription medicines and mouthwash, Vinyl held both cough medicine jugs over her mouth and let the orange and purple liquid pour into her mouth. “Gulp-gulp-All for Vinyl!” She said, cough medicine splashing onto her face. “Gulp-gulp-gulp-All for Vinyl!”

“Yeah,” Starlight said. “She’s not going anywhere…”

Trixie smirked and shrugged. “Fair enough! Meet you back here!” she said as she turned.

Starlight also turned and began to walk off. “You know you’re pretty blasé about your friend maybe OD’ing.”

Trixie let out a short, loud laugh. “Are you kidding? This is pretty much an average Tuesday for Vinyl!”

“Okay then… Oh!” Starlight looked over her shoulder. “Remember this is something Twilight wrote, so grab sensible items only!”