To Tell the Truth

I'd kinda hoped that maybe at Twilight's, he wouldn't find me. Or maybe havin' Dash snuggled up to me might keep 'im away. I wasn't that lucky.

“Well, that was impressive,” his voice said, soundin' unimpressed. But I wasn't gonna let 'em get me down tonight.

“Yup. Not one'a my friends thinks I'm a bad pony,” I said, smilin'.

“So, they think what you did was right?”

“Course not.” I frowned a bit. “But they see why I did it, and they don't hate me for it. Just like Dash didn't hate me for it. I got Dash, and I got my friends, I'm gonna be okay.”

“You know why Rainbow Dash doesn't hate you.”

“'Cause she can see that I've tried to do good. She knows I didn't know, or I'd never have let it happen.”

“Because she thinks you're insane.”

I just rolled my eyes. “Well, come to think it, I do got these dreams where I'm talkin' to a statue with a demon trapped in it.”

“An excellent point!” he said, real happy. ”And there was that letter you didn't want to write to Princess Celestia, and you wanted a party after telling your friends you were raped, and, of course, you still haven't let Rainbow Dash touch you.”

“I ain't crazy. Those things were just-” I started, but now that he mentioned it. . . no. No way was I gonna let a dream of Discord tell me I was crazy. “I can deal with this, I just gotta be careful. For instance, I gotta remember that you're just a dream.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. Yeah, you're just a dream. You ain't really Discord, so there's no harm in you even if you say awful stuff.”

“You're absolutely right. After all, why would I- I mean why would he want to haunt the dreams of one of the Elements of Harmony while she slowly goes insane?”

My eyes went wide. “It ain't gonna work! I ain't crazy, and I'm gonna tell Princess Celestia 'bout you.”

“About your dream? Go right ahead. Tell her why you're having these dreams. While you're at it, tell her how you lied so that I could get into your head. I can't wait to see the disgust on her face.”

I swallowed hard. He was right. If Princess Celestia knew I'd been lyin' and that I hadn’t told 'er right away when I started havin' these dreams, she'd be real disappointed. Twilight thought I was crazy, but she was the princess's favorite student. She could get away with a lot more than an apple farmer, and still be an Element of Harmony.

“I can't,” I said lookin' down.

“That's okay. Because I'm not really Discord. You're just losing your mind,” he said, then he paused a second before he went on. “Wait a minute, isn't that something I would say?”

***

I woke up. It was the middle of the night again, and my friends were all sleepin' 'round me, Dash was cuddled up against me. I thought 'bout wakin' up Twilight to ask if the Elements might work on my dream, but that would've meant tellin' her 'bout the dream, and Twilight already thought I was crazy.

'Course, she might be right.

I didn't wanna be crazy. It'd be better to be dealin' with Discord again than to know I just couldn't think right. How's a pony supposed to live, knowin' that anythin' they think, that any way they feel bout somethin' might be wrong and only other ponies can see it? What was I gonna do if nopony could trust me, if I couldn't trust myself?

I couldn't keep thinkin' bout this, and I couldn't let myself stay up all night again, so I got up real quiet and went down to the kitchen for a glass of warm milk. I was surprised to see the light was on, I thought everypony was asleep. But when I got to the door, I saw I'd been wrong.

Rarity was there, sittin' by the table and holdin' a mug of tea in her magic. She wasn't drinkin' it though, just lookin' down at the table.

“Um, heya. Havin' trouble sleepin'?” I asked as I walked over and got out the milk.

“Applejack! You surprised me, I- I was just thinking about you.”

“What about?”

“Well. . . what you said.”

“No wonder you're havin' trouble sleepin'. Rarity, it's past. There's nothin' you could do now, and you were just a foal-”

Rarity choked back a sob, and I stopped. She was cryin'. I wondered for a second if somethin' happened to her, and I prayed that it didn't. But just in case, I set the milk aside. I walked up and nuzzled her and didn't say nothin'. If she wanted to tell me what was wrong, she knew I was there for her.

“Applejack, stop, please. I have something to say and it may- it may cost us our friendship, but I have to tell you. And if you hate me afterward, it's my own fault and only what I deserve,” Rarity announced, soundin' less like she was readin' from a play than she usually did. I stayed quiet and let her talk.

“Do you remember when you came back to school, after you were gone, and the other foals were saying that you went away because you were so much trouble that your family didn't want you?”

“I reckon I do, some,” I nodded. “I was so glad to be home that some teasin' from foals wasn't worryin' me much.”

“I started that rumor,” she said, lookin' at the floor. “I've always felt horrid about it, I knew then that it wasn't a nice thing to do. I started it because. . . I was jealous. . . that you got to stay in Manehattan.” By the end, she was whisperin' softer than Fluttershy.

She looked so sad 'bout it I almost couldn't take it. “Aw, sugarcube, you didn't know. You just wished ya' got to go to the big fancy city, and got a little foalish when somepony else got to go. I hardly even remember it.”

“I can't imagine that I did something like that. I mean, you had just been. . . I feel like a monster,” she said. I knew she was serious, cause she wasn't even cryin'. She was just starin' at the floor like she couldn't look up at me.

I gave her a nuzzle. “It was a long time ago, Rarity. You weren't a monster, you were a foal. And you've grown up a lot since then. You're a good friend, I promise ya' that.”

“I know. But I don't think I can ever forgive myself.”

“I need ya' to try. For me,” I said, soft. “'Cause the last thing I wanna do is cause more pain to more ponies.”

That got her to look up at me, surprised. “Applejack, you haven't-”

“I ain't told Mac yet. I think he's guessed, but I just can't tell 'im. I shouted at him last night when he asked me what's goin' on. I don't wanna hurt him, Rarity. He's gonna be so mad at himself when he hears it, he's gonna hate how he couldn't protect me.

“And poor Dash. She gets so worried for me, cause I’ve been actin' crazy. Cause maybe, I am crazy. I feel like I tricked her into bein' my marefriend, she never wanted none of this,” I sighed. “I hurt everypony I tell 'bout this.”

“Darling, you did nothing to hurt me. I hurt you, and I'm very sorry. If you require me to never mention this again, I won't.”

“Thank ya. And I'm sorry it's like this,” I said, lookin' down a little.

“Please stop apologizing.”

“I dunno what else to say.”

“Say nothing, darling. Allow me to get you that milk, and try to get some sleep.” She lifted the milk off the counter with her magic and poured it in a cup for me. I smiled.

“Only if you'll try to sleep, too.”

“Agreed,” she said, tryin' to smile a little.

I drank my milk, and she finished her tea, but neither of us said much else. I couldn't think of much to say but sorry, since she wouldn't be feelin' bad if I'd never told what happened, and she didn't wanna hear that. I guess she couldn't think of much but how bad she felt, and she knew that'd make me feel bad. So I kinda sat there with one'a my best friends and didn't talk.

But after we finished, we went back to the library real quiet, and I laid down next to Dash. She was still asleep, but soon as she felt me, she wrapped her forelegs 'round me and I had to smile. I didn't get much sleep the rest of the night, I kept wakin' up every couple hours, but I didn't have no more dreams. And every time I woke up, I got to nuzzle Dash, so I couldn't complain much.

The next morning, I got up early and made my way home. I still had work to do, and I spent enough time dilly-dallyin' yesterday. There were trees in the west orchard to prune, so I spent my day pullin' down the dead branches, haulin' 'em to the brush pile, and rakin' the leaves.

I thought a lot while I worked. I thought 'bout Rarity, and Dash, and how much it hurt 'em to know that I was hurt. I thought 'bout Mac and how he'd seen it in how I acted, and how hurt he looked, too. I though 'bout not bein' able to think right, and how this all started when I started hurtin' other ponies. That just wasn't who I was, I didn't hurt other ponies.

I shouldn't have told anypony, I shoulda sent the letters I sent, sayin' to stay away from Uncle Orange, and just not said anythin' 'bout what happened to me. And I shoulda just got over myself with Dash. Just stopped actin' crazy. That's what I had to do, just stop actin' crazy. Then I could just be with Dash like I wanted, and everythin' could go back to normal.

So that evenin', I met up with Dash and asked her if she wanted to go for a walk in the orchard. One thing lead to another, and we were sittin' under a tree and kissin' like usual. The moon was bright, and our spot was quiet, with soft grass and some nice strong trees round us, so it felt cozy and safe. It was nice, 'cause it was normal.

I loved the way she kissed me, pressin' hard like the kiss was everythin' she wanted in the world right now. It was all I wanted, too, so I helped her out, kissin' back just as hard. My forelegs wrapped 'round her, strokin' her strong back and those amazin' wings, brushin' the edges of my hooves along her feathers. I felt her shiver, and she moaned in the kiss.

When we broke it she bit her lip and pulled back a bit. I leaned towards her and nuzzled her.

“Sugarcube, wanna let me rub them wings some more?”

“Mmm. . .” she smiled and closed her eyes, then they popped open again. “I mean, nah. It's okay.”

“I don't believe that,” I said, rubbin' a bit at the base of one wing.

“AJ!” Dash protested, but she was grinnin'. “Don't, you'll get me all. . . you know.”

“Maybe I want ya’ like that.” I smiled and started kissin' her cheek.

“No way,” Dash said, pullin' away again. “It's not fair. I told you ages ago, I'm not taking anymore than I give you.”

“Well, I wanna try again, Dash,” I whispered.

She looked like she was makin' a hard decision, and I understood that. How this usually went was, we made out for a while and things got nice and hot, then she went to touch me and I stopped everythin' cold. I'd usually lost all interest in anythin' by then, but that left Dash hot and frustrated and worried for me, which I felt bad 'bout cause I reckon it was no fun at all.

“I'm gonna be okay this time,” I went on. “I ain't gonna leave ya' wantin' again.”

"Are you sure?" Dash asked, still a little wary. "You haveta be the one who wants this."

I grinned and whispered in her ear, "Oh, I want it alright."

“Okay then." She smiled. "I love you, AJ.”

“I love you too, Dash,” I said, kissin' her lips.

She kissed back, and we wrapped our forelegs around each other. I went back to brushin' her feathers, and she stroked my back. I relaxed, feelin' like I was meltin' in her arms. Everythin' felt perfect, especially when she rolled me on my back and I felt her weight on top of me like a warm blanket.

I kept my forelegs around her, and she shifted hers so her hooves were brushin' my sides. She broke the kiss and started kissin' my face, and down my neck. Her body shifted lower, and her hooves started movin' down my sides, bit by bit. I got a little nervous, but I pushed it back by runnin' my hooves over that beautiful mane.

Then her hooves started rubbin' my flanks, and like a wave, it washed over me; this wasn't right. I wasn't supposed to be there, I wasn't supposed to be doin' that. I had no idea where I needed to go, 'cause I didn't wanna go anywhere else.

I couldn't feel like that. That was crazy, I loved Dash, I wanted her. I took a few deep breaths.

Her hooves paused, and she looked up with those pretty rose eyes. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah.” I nodded.

“Can I go farther?” she asked softly. “It's cool if you say no.”

I took a second. I loved her. I wanted her. Finally, I said, “Yeah, please.”

She studied my face. “Are you sure?”

I just nodded at her.

She started kissin' down my neck, and her hooves started runnin' all over my flanks, even towards the back, brushin' my tail. I felt like I was gonna be sick. I just wanted to get away more than anythin'. I closed my eyes tight and bit my lip, tryin' as hard as I could to remind myself how many times I thought 'bout this, and how happy it'd made me in those dreams.

“Do you wanna move your tail for me?” she whispered. I realized my tail was tight up against me, coverin' everythin' between my hind legs.

I didn't wanna move my tail. I wanted my tail right there, protectin' me. But protectin' me from what? From the pony I loved makin' me feel good and loved? I was thinkin' crazy still, but I was gonna act normal this time. And if I acted normal enough, I'd get used to bein' normal and it'd all go away.

I moved my tail, uncoverin' my privates. It seemed to take all my strength, like every part of me had to work to force my own tail to the side. I didn't think I could move any other part of my body, from the work it was takin' to keep my tail away.

Then Dash ran her hoof 'long my marehood and my eyes went wide as I bit back a scream. It was a good thing I couldn't move, or I woulda bucked her without thinkin'. She could not be touchin' me there. I wanted to push her off me and yell at her to stop. I wanted to curl up and cry.

“Is that- AJ, what's wrong?” Dash pulled her hooves away as fast as she could, lookin' at me, scared.

“Nothin', go on,” I managed to gasp.

“No way.” She shook her head and flew right off me, lookin' real concerned. “I am not gonna keep going with you looking like that. Why are you looking like that?”

I made myself breath real deep, and relaxed a little since her hooves weren't on me. “I'll be fine, Dash. Just please, take me.”

“You didn't want me to touch you, did you?” she said, seemin' a little angry.

“I'm fine!” I snapped.

“Are not!” she snapped back. “You look really weird, and you're trying to get me to do things to you that you don't want! Do you think I'm that bad off, that I'd be okay with hurting you like this?”

“I want it!” I yelled at her. “I don't want it to hurt me, just havin' my marefriend touch me! I wanna be normal, so I figured if I just acted normal, I'd be okay again someday.”

“AJ, you're messed up. If you keep trying to act like you aren't, it'll hurt you. And that's going to hurt the ponies who love you. I'd give my wings to keep from hurting you, and when I saw your face. . .” She looked a little like she might cry. “Oh Celestia, AJ, please don't ever let me hurt you like that.”

I was still riled up. “Stop sayin' I'm messed up! I don't need to hear it! I get it all night from him, and all day from you, and I ain't messed up! Least, I never was before I started goin' out with you!”

“Him? Him who? Did you tell Mac?” Dash looked confused, and I realized I said too much.

“That ain't important!”

“You should've told me you told Mac. How did that go?”

“I didn't tell Mac yet.”

“Then who's been calling you messed up at night?”

“I- I- It's a dream. Just a dream.” I put my hoof in it this time. I couldn't tell her 'bout the dreams. She already thought I was messed up, she'd think I was plumb crazy if I told her.

“So who is he? Is it. . . him?” She narrowed her eyes.

“No, it ain't Uncle Orange. Dash, leave it. It's just a dream.”

Dash went right back to lookin' confused. “Is it a dream about Mac? AJ, we don't know many guys.”

I grit my teeth. “You don't listen real good, do ya'?

“I just wanna know,” she said, rollin' her eyes. “I'm trying to help you.”

I just stared at her a second, then I said, “You wanna help me with how you think I am! You think I'm messed up, so you wanna know my dreams so you can prove it! You keep treatin' me like a foal, and yellin' at anypony who treats me normal! You won't even let me decide when I'm ready to have sex with ya'! Don't I get some say in how I am, and what I do and how my friends act to me? Or do you just wanna run my whole life for me? Maybe you can have the damn dreams while you're at it.”

Dash looked shocked. “AJ, calm down. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, okay? I'm trying to help. I'm trying to make things right, but I don't know how.”

“You think there's some way to make this right? There ain't. It's wrong, and it's gonna be wrong 'till the day I die. All I can do is live with it, go on with my life like nothin' happened. I shouldn't have told ya,” I said, gettin' to my hooves.

“AJ, you wanted to tell-”

“I shouldn't have told ya!” I shouted at her. “I shouldn't have told anypony! It ain't done me a bit of good, it's changed everythin' between us, it's hurt Rarity. . . I'm goin' home.” I started to walk, and she started flyin' beside me.

I stopped and so did she. I just looked over at her. I couldn't handle all this. Just her bein' there was makin' me feel like I might be messed up, and I couldn't be messed up. I couldn't be crazy. It hurt too much, thinkin' I'd never be normal, I'd never be safe, I'd never be able to let somepony touch me. Dash, she started it all. I've been fine when I was by myself.

“You ain't comin' with me,” I said, calm. “In fact, I think I'd rather not see ya' for a while. I'd rather not have a marefriend at all right now.”

“What?!” Her eyes went wide and she froze in place.

“This is all messed up, Dash. Everythin's all messed up, maybe I'm all messed up. All I can do is go on like nothin' happened.”

Dash still looked like she couldn't believe what I was sayin’. “AJ, please-”

“If you care 'bout me, just lemme go, okay?” I said, ignorin' the rest of what she was gonna say, and walkin' towards the farm house.

I didn't look back at her, I knew how she was lookin' and I couldn't have walked away with her lookin' at me like that. But I couldn't stay, neither. It was hurtin' everypony, me tryin' to deal with this, and I'd give anythin' to keep from hurtin' other ponies.

I got home and went straight to bed. I didn't even turn on the light in my room, I just laid down in the dark, not botherin' to take off my hat or my ribbons. At first, I just felt kinda numb. I’d really just broken up with Dash? I just walked away from the best thing in my life, the pony I loved, my best friend, and the pony who'd stand by me no matter what? Had I really lost my mind this time?

I hadn't. I knew I hadn't. Dash was what was makin' me think that, bein' with her was too complicated. I had to keep my life simple, and I had to keep other ponies from gettin' into this mess, 'cause there was no way outta it and they didn't deserve to be here with me. It wasn't so bad, I could still have friends, and my family, and my farm. Just so I kept 'em all apart from me, so all the wrong in me didn't start gettin' to them, too.

I just had to be strong. Dash was probably hurtin' right now, but she'd be okay soon and she'd find a pony who was better for her, who deserved all that love that she wanted to give. And my friends would all forget it soon, if I could act normal 'nough. I hoped so, at least.

I took off my hat, and my ribbons, and got ready to face my dreams. I wasn't scared of him tonight, I took care of it. Things would be back to normal by mornin', and I'd be back to normal, too.

***

I was back in the garden, but I didn't hear his voice. The statue was still there, though. I looked 'round, but nothin' was different.

Then I heard some hooves on the other side of the statue, and heard somepony mutterin'. I'd never met another pony in the garden here, so I walked round the statue real careful.

The other pony there was me, standin' there and mumblin' at the statue, “Glad it gave ya' a laugh. . . I'm not. Dash loves me. She understands. . . I do wanna be with her. I wanna make her understand, but. . . I'm not lyin! I'm just not ready to tell her yet.”

The other me ran and bucked the statue, then fell down sobbin'.

I looked pretty crazy without hearin' him talkin' back to me. But I knew he'd been talkin'.

Right?

“Discord?” I said. “I know you're here. This's got your nasty smell all over it.”

The other pony didn't say nothin', but that voice didn't answer me neither.

“Look, if ya' ain't gonna say nothin', I ain't gonna say nothin',” I said to the statue, keepin' an eye on the other me. “No point in me sittin' here and lookin' crazy.”

Then the other pony, or me, or whoever she was just got up, and started mutterin' again, “NO! I'd never let my baby sister anywhere near that city while that stallion's livin' there! If he even looked at her, I would kill 'im to stop him from thinkin' it! I never woulda let my cousins near him, neither. . . I didn't know. . . I didn't know. . . Well come to think it, I do got these dreams where I'm talkin' to a statue with a demon trapped in it.”

It was darn weird, watchin me talkin' all crazy to myself. I could remember sayin' all them things, but I'd been talkin' to Discord, in his statue. I knew I had. I looked at the statue, kinda worried. “Um, ya' are here, right?”

There was no answer, and the other me just went on to herself, “What the hay are you talkin' 'bout?. . . I ain't crazy. I can deal with this, I just gotta be careful. For instance, I gotta remember that you're just a dream.”

I bit my lip. She- I- that pony was getting' kinda worked up now, and I was scared how she looked. I was scared she was me, that I looked like that. I woulda given anythin' if he'd start laughin, if I knew this was one'a his tricks. “Please be here? Somepony please be here?”

“I shoulda known. . . Yeah. Yeah, you're just a dream, you ain't really Discord, so there's no harm in you even if you say awful stuff.”

I muttered to myself, “I ain't crazy. I ain't crazy. I- I'm talkin' to myself. I was talkin' to myself the whole time. It's just a dream. . .”

“STOP!” the other pony yelled. I jumped a bit, but she still didn't seem to notice me. “Y-you don't know that's true.”

“Wait, does that mean I'm crazy, or I ain't crazy?”

“I dunno yet, but we'll think of somethin'. . . I can't.”

I just fell to my knees and covered my face with my hat. “Oh Celestia, help me. I just don't know no more. Please help me. Please. . .”