A Human in Equestria

John was your average college student. Well, except for a few things. As a result of his hobbies, he was extensively trained in twenty different martial arts, the art of the blade, and medieval siege weaponry. Also, as a second-year business administration student, he had a rudimentary understanding of all human culture and history for the past two-thousand years, as well as in-depth knowledge of all 20th and 21st century technology, and how one could fabricate such devices in a pre-industrial setting.

One day when walking to his apartment along a dark street, he was sucked into a portal.

****

“Oh boy,” a certain lavender alicorn said to herself gleefully, “I can’t wait to go star-gazing tonight.” Walking onto her balcony, she angled her telescope to allow her an unobstructed view of the space just above the Everfree.

Conveniently, right as she looked into her telescope, she saw a bright, glowing object fall from the sky and crash into the forest!

“Huh that’s odd, there wasn’t a meteor scheduled for tonight,” she noted, thinking back on the daily notices she received from Princess Luna detailing whether or not there would be a shooting star each night.

Deciding she would investigate it in the morning, Twilight packed up and returned to bed, canceling her stargazing as she was satisfied after seeing the falling object.

****

Morning came. John awoke and groaned in pain, rising from the crater he found himself in. Looking around, he realized he was in a forest. A dark forest.

“This isn’t right,” he said, detailing the obvious.

Walking in a random direction, which conveniently led to Ponyville, he made his way through the forest without ever getting turned around.

Suddenly, he heard a trio of screams up ahead.

Kicked into action, he burst into a clearing to see a certain trio of pony crusaders being attacked by a wooden wolf. Intent on not allowing nature to take its course, he yelled at the wolf.

“Hey! Over here!”

The wolf turned and bared its teeth at him, and John cleverly retaliated by throwing a nearby rock at the wolf, which bounced off its wooden head with a clack and made it whine in pain. Deciding to find easier prey, as most predators would, the wolf slunk off into the undergrowth.

“You saved us!” the little white unicorn squealed.

“HOLY SHIT A TALKING HORSE!” he exclaimed.

After taking a moment to absorb the fact that indeed the little ponies could talk, he spoke calmly. “Do you know how to get out of here?”

“Sure thing, just follow us,” the orange pegasus said.

John followed the three ponies for some distance until they finally broke through the tree line and into a grassy field.

“Here we are, Ponyville is just up ahead,” the unicorn said. “Thanks for helping us, but we’ve got to go, I bet our sisters are worried!”

John watched the three run off, realizing he never got their names, nor any information that would help him get his bearings in an equine-infested world.

He took a single step towards the town.

****

High in the air, on a fluffy cloud, a certain rainbow-maned cyan pegasus snoozed on a cloud. Suddenly, her head shot up suddenly and she snorted. Looking around wildly, she saw a tall figure walking towards Ponyville.

Rainbow Dash’s eyes became pinpricks. “Is that a non-pony headed towards MY pony town!?” she screeched, before flying off at high speed towards the figure.

****

John was enjoying his walk through the warm, quiet field when something suddenly slammed into him, knocking the wind from his lungs and sending him sprawling.

Groaning and looking around, he saw a cyan pegasus approaching him.

“REEEEEEEEEE,” she shouted before beating on the downed man.

Just then, a certain lavender pony showed up, accompanied by a certain pink earth pony, a certain orange earth pony, a certain white unicorn, a certain yellow pegasus, and a certain trio of filly crusaders.

“What’s going on?” Twilight asked.

Rainbow Dash looked up from the body, one hoof still poised to strike. “I caught this non-pony walking around outside Ponyville. He could be a spy!”

Twilight hummed in thought. “Fair point, I’ll paralyze it with my magic so we can study it.”

She fired a crackling bolt of purple energy, which simply seemed to wash over the downed creature, before hissing sharply and causing it to scream in pain.

“Oops, wrong spell,” she remarked.

“Wait!” Sweetie Belle shouted, “he’s the one who saved us from the timberwolf!”

Rainbow Dash looked down at the bloodied and bruised creature. “Oh really? Whoops.”

John struggled to his feet, wheezing painfully as broken ribs shifted with every breath. Coughing up a notable amount of blood, he steadied himself and looked at the assembled ponies.

“Hi,” he croaked, “please stop attacking me.”

Twilight smiled. “Oh sorry about that, we thought you were dangerous, but now we can be friends! I’m Twilight Sparkle.”

“I’m Rainbow Dash,” the certain cyan one said, before glaring at John. “If you do literally anything remotely suspicious I will continue beating you.”

“Darling, I’m Rarity, darling, thank you for saving my sister and her friends, darling,” the certain white unicorn said, fluttering her eyelashes.

“Ah’m Applejack, thenk ya’ fer helpin’ mah sister an’ ‘er friends,” the certain orange earth pony said, sounding like Siri trying to do an exaggerated impression of an illiterate Arkansas moonshine-peddler.

“I’m Pinkie Pie!” the certain pink earth pony shouted, before launching into a stream of incoherent gibberish. This continued for several seconds before she was finally silenced by Twilight’s magic.

The yellow pegasus hid behind her mane and stuttered meekly. Seeing her obvious shyness, John crouched down and smiled.

“Sorry, what was that?” he asked softly, hoping to show he was friendly.

Fluttershy stumbled over her hooves in shock. “I SAW HIS TEETH, HE’S A MEAT-EATER!” she shrieked before running off into the distance.

The assembled ponies drew back in surprise, before all adopting fighting stances, ready to show the man what they did to meat-eaters in these parts.

“Whoa wait a second-” John began, raising his hands pleadingly, before falling to his knees and violently coughing up more blood.

Before he could continue, Applebloom spoke up. “Wait, why are y’all so afraid of him?”

“’E’s a no-gud meat eat’r,” Applejack shouted, “’e’s gunna eat us ponies!”

“Doesn’t Fluttershy have a bear? And don’t other species like griffons eat meat too?” Sweetie Belle chimed in.

Twilight frowned. “Huh, I guess you’re right. Stand down girls, we don’t need to harmonize him yet.”

“Oh thank goodness,” the half-dead human choked out, before falling victim to another bought of coughing. “Man I don’t suppose you have a hospital you could take me to?” he asked hopefully.

Twilight shook her head. “Sorry, but until Princess Celestia can come to determine if you’re a threat or not, we will have to keep you contained.”

John raised an eyebrow. “I have multiple fractures and internal bleeding, as well as mild burns from your magic.”

The alicorn hummed in thought before shaking her head. “You defeated a timberwolf by yourself, so you’re obviously a threat.”

“It was to save those foals!” he weakly protested. “And I didn’t defeat it, I threw a rock and it ran away.”’

Twilight stamped a hoof. “Then that’s just proof you can be dangerous if provoked, sorry but you’re coming with us.”

Tying a rope around his ankles, Applejack roughly dragged him back to her barn, while her friends followed. Except for Twilight, who had returned to her castle to get a letter sent to the Princess. The trio of fillies set off to go do their own thing.

****

All the ponies were assembled now, watching the man guardedly while waiting for Celestia to show up.

John, in the meantime, sat uncomfortably, occasionally coughing up blood and feeling his fractured bones shift.

Suddenly there was a brilliant flash of light and a gigantic alicorn pony appeared.

The mares all bowed to Princess Celestia, who spared them a brief nod before looking around, her eyes going wide with shock as she saw John.

“SWEET MOTHER OF ME, A HUMAN!” she shouted.

“You know what it is, Celestia?” Twilight asked.

Celestia nodded. “Only one of the most vile and dangerous creatures in existence.”

“Really?” Rainbow Dash asked. “He doesn’t seem very tough to me.”

Celestia nodded. “Yes, they are laughably weak and inept. Even a magic-less unicorn foal could defeat them.”

“But even so, ‘e’s dangerous?” Applejack asked.

Celestia nodded. “Indeed, they are dangerous, foul beasts, who should be treated as such.”

“If I could chime in,” John started weakly, “I’m not here to harm you, I really just want a doctor.”

Celestia glared at him. “I shall use my magic to view your true intentions, then we shall see.”

Before he could respond, Celestia cast the spell, forcibly entering the man’s mind in what some might consider a gross violation of privacy and the sanctity of one’s existence.

“I suppose you can stay, for now,” she finally said. “But as your altercation with the timberwolf shows, your kind is dangerous and fickle. Should you show yourself to be a threat to my subjects, I will slow-cook you with my magic.”

John groaned. “This is absurd, I just threw a rock at the wolf and it ran away. To save your ponies, I might add!”

“Yes, but that merely shows the chaotic nature of a creature like you, just as willing to cause harm as you are to protect.”

“You ponies broke my ribs, burned me with magic, and forcibly read my mind!” he protested.

Celestia ignored him.

“Where have you seen these humans before?” Twilight asked.

Celestia closed her eyes, thinking back on the terrible memories. “Once, three-thousand years ago,” she said, “a human appeared in our land and fought back when we attacked him. Ultimately he was slain, but not before the foul creature wounded one of our guards.”

The assembled ponies gasped in surprise.

“How horrible,” Twilight muttered, before turning towards John. “I see now you come from a barbaric and cruel culture, but we will teach you the magic of friendship.”

“Great,” he wheezed, before slumping over.

“We ponies haven’t done anything bad in the past three-thousand years,” Twilight said confidently, “so I am confident we are in the prime position to judge your culture and character off that one instance.”

Celestia nodded. “Indeed, it is unlikely they have changed their ways after such a short time. Nopony is capable of changing after one thousand years, let alone a mere three thousand.”

All the ponies nodded in agreement.

“It’s settled, then. You will teach this vile human our ways of friendship. Send me a letter if any problems arise,” Celestia said, before vanishing in a flash of golden light.

From then, it is entirely possible John could have learned the ways of Equestria, such as harmony, friendship, and hypocrisy. He could have become a great friend of those ponies, and perhaps even find a spontaneous love among them.

Unfortunately, after a few weeks of his infected wounds remaining untreated and being fed a diet of grass clippings and hay, his ailing health became too much and he succumbed to the sweet embrace of death.

The End.