To think about it, I should’ve seen the disciplinary committee coming. I mean, I usually try to be nice and avoid it, but apparently my time has come. I’m sitting in a dark room, looking into the strikingly blue but somewhat jaundiced—which is why she doesn’t work with patients anymore—eye of Purple Heart, the head of the committee. Purple Heart used to be the army nurse in Zebrica, where she got an eyepatch, an Order of the Sun with Oak Leaves for evacuating the field hospital and a tendency to get panic attacks whenever someone mentions gorillas or typewriters.

“Redheart,” she says, looking at me and into her notes. As far as I can tell, all of them are hoof-written. “I have more interesting things to do right now, so let me get this straight.” She takes a sip of something that, despite a similar colour, is most definitely not tea. “Why in Equestria did you tase Princess Twilight Sparkle and locked her in the nuthouse?”

“Psych ward,” one of the committee members says. It’s Nurse Kind Heart from the paediatrics ward, who’s only here because Heartless can’t be arsed to leave her room.

“Who gives a fuck,” Purple Heart replies, turning to me. “Anyway, why did you do that, private?”

“I figured out she’d need it.” I shrug. “She just tased her dragon and wasn’t entirely stable.”

“We can’t even get her out,” Kind Heart says. “Faint Heart said that being a Princess of Friendship doesn’t mean you can just get out of her ward.”

“Good attitude,” I reply. “After all, she’s an expert. Not to mention that Dr. Nuts and Dr. Conkers also stated that the princess’ stress levels are off the fucking charts.”

“Yeah, sure, we all know Faint Heart is a re–” Purple Heart pauses, hearing Kind Heart hissing. “I mean, I don’t try to undermine her opinion, but she said she already had four mares in the ward who think they’re Twilight Sparkle. And last time we tried to ask her to discharge Twilight, she gave us the wrong one.”

“That’s Faint Heart’s problem, not mine,” I reply. “As for Twilight Sparkle, it was self-defence. Who knows who else she’d tase if given the chance.”

“Might be.” Purple Heart shrugs. “I always thought the preemptive strike was the best solution. But why did you tase Rainbow Dash too?”

Well, they got me. “Umm… I panicked.”

Purple Heart raises her eyebrows. “Panicked? Soldiers should never panic! Do you know what happens when someone panics? Ponies die!”

I’m about to mention a gorilla with a typewriter, but I’m not like that. Besides, panicked Purple Heart can give our trauma ward enough work for a week. Luckily, before I can come up with some answer that’d definitely cause me to screw myself even more, the door bursts open. I recognise this dashing moustache and the cutie mark adorning this perfect flank. Dr. Semicolon himself arrived to help me. I can almost hear the acoustic guitar tune accompanying him.

“You gotta see this,” he says.

“We’re having a disciplinary committee meeting here, doctor,” Purple Heart replies, frowning.

“Me cago en la leche de tu comité disciplinario,” Dr. Semicolon says, smiling. “I have a patient whose girlfriend shoved a rock up his ass! Who wouldn’t want to see this?”

Author's Note

In Equestria, gorilla warfare is a viable tactics. However, in order to show gorillas where to attack, you have to drop typewriters at the enemy first.