An Obvious Alias Goes To Friendship School

by MagnetBolt

Rating: everyone
Tags: Queen Chrysalis, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 3152

Meet the newest, coolest student at Twilight's school! Alias is a radical awesome pony and definitely not Queen Chrysalis in disguise!

There's nothing strange about Alias, except for how awesome and radical she is, and how she totally relates to all today's youths and is not Queen Chrysalis. In fact, she's so definitely not Queen Chrysalis it's bodacious and by the way, what's your greatest weakness?

Published 2018-05-31 00:30:07 UTC
Last updated 2018-05-31 00:30:07 UTC

My Dudes

“I’m telling you, there’s something not right about the new student,” Gallus said, over the chatter of the school cafeteria.

Ocellus poked at the food she’d been given. Changelings were still getting used to the idea of cuisine and she’d never seen jello with fruit floating in it before. Or jello with peas. Or jello with a layer of mashed potatoes and cheese.

“You know, it’s funny, I was thinking the same thing,” Sandbar agreed. “I only saw them for a minute when they were being shown around campus, but…”

“They were small and weak,” Yona added.

“I’m not sure this is really food,” Ocellus whispered. “What about a salad, or soup?”

“I thought changelings liked stuff with slime and jelly,” Smoulder said.

“We like solid food too.”

The doors to the cafeteria burst open. A tall, dark unicorn, wearing a backwards cap and shutter shades, slid in on a skateboard. She kept going until she hit a wall, completely unable to stop herself.

Sandbar winced.

“Hello fellow youths!” The unicorn said, a little dazed, as she got up, trying to flip the skateboard up with a hoof-stomp and instead sending it flying through a window. “I’m the hip new student everybug loves, Alias!”

“That was pretty cool,” Gallus admitted. “Maybe the coolest thing I’ve ever seen.”

“Silly bug pony,” Yona scoffed. “She not cool. In Yakyakistan, there is much ice, and deadly winter winds that freeze those who go unprotected. That is much lower temperature.”

“I thought it was impressive,” Silverstream said, with a shrug.

“You thought stairs were impressive,” Sandbar mumbled.

“I just get overwhelmed easily!”

“I couldn’t help but notice through my extensive spy network that you’re the cool kids,” Alias sat down. “Don’t you just love all this traditional pony food like…” She raised her shades to look closer at the tray. “...green slime cubes, and red slime cubes?”

“This traditional food?” Yona asked.

Smoulder flicked a cube off her tray. “That explains why it’s so awful.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard about this being traditional,” Ocellus said.

“A TRAITOR LIKE YOU WOULD NEVER UNDERSTAND!” Alias hissed. She cleared her throat. “Sorry, speech impediment. Sometimes I scream at race-traitors." Alias put a hoof across Sandbar’s shoulders. "A cool grub like you would totally know about radical pony traditions, right?”

“Uh, yeah, of course I know,” Sandbar said. “I’m pretty radical myself. Of course I know.”

“See?” Alias said. “So now that I’m a part of your totally awesome friendship cult, tell me about the weaknesses of the Elements of Harmony.”

“Why do you want to know their weaknesses?” Gallus asked.

Alias shrugged. “Book report?”

Everyone around the table nodded. That made perfect sense.

“They are small and weak,” Yona reported. “They would die if you throw rocks at them.”

Alias grinned.

“Cool.”

“Ow!” Dash said, rubbing the back of her head. “Who keeps throwing pebbles at me when I’m not looking?”

At the back of the room, Alias tried to look casual.

She crossed off ‘vulnerable to rocks’ on her stolen notepad, using her stolen pencil.

“The rocks thing didn’t work,” Alias hissed. “They didn’t die!”

“I’m sorry, didn’t what now?” Ocellus asked.

“I mean, they said I need to do more research,” Alias corrected

“Should use bigger rock,” Yona rumbled.

“Well duh,” Smoulder said. “Rocks are dumb anyway. Everydragon knows ponies are like, super flammable. Square your shoulders more, Silverstream.”

“Is this better?” Silverstream asked, adjusting her stance on the carpet.

Sandbar nodded. “Remember to follow through.”

Silverstream swung the club, the golf ball flying. A window shattered.

“Are you sure we’re supposed to be doing this indoors?” Silverstream asked.

“Oh yeah, Hallway Golf is totally the hip thing this season for hep cats,” Alias said. “If you can break the stupid window with that hideous pink princess I’ll give you ten bits.”

“I must say, Alias, that your design is certainly… unique,” Rarity said. “I’ve never seen quite so many different shades of black.”

“It’s for stealth,” Alias said. “Most ponies are hideous shades of pastel. They stand out at night and in caverns.”

“And the holes?”

“For speed, obviously,” Alias snorted. “You must know about speed holes. They’re the newest trend. All the ponies are doing it in…” Alias looked past Rarity’s shoulder to a map. “...Stalliongrad.”

“Oh yes, of course. Speed holes.” Rarity made a mental note to add them to her summer line. She couldn’t afford a speed hole gap!

“With this dress, an infiltrator could easily evade detection and slip into almost any social gathering without the useless guards being any the wiser.”

“Interesting. And the high collar?”

“It keeps my neck from looking too long,” Alias mumbled, looking away. “That stupid wedding dress made me look like a swan.”

“Overall I find it to be a very respectable design. Good use of layers and material choices.”

Alias smiled.

“However, it’s rather derivative, don’t you think?”

Alias stopped smiling. “Derivative?!”

“The hemline and overall shape around the croupe are a bit basic,” Rarity continued. “I give it a five out of seven.”

“You use a lot of hair product, don’t you?” Alias asked.

“Hm? Why do you ask?”

“Sometimes spontaneous combustion happens.” Smoulder shrugged. She rolled the dice, moving her tiny pony figure along the board.

“It’s never happened to me,” Silverstream said.

“You lived underwater,” Smoulder sighed. “Have you ever even seen fire?”

“Yes, duh.” Silverstream laughed, snorting. “It’s like, shiny and spicy.” She rolled her own dice. “I landed on one of the spaces with houses! That’s so cool!”

“You must give Yona rent,” Yona barked. “Yona crush you with the invisible hoof of capitalism.”

Silverstream happy passed over the last of her paper bits. “I’m out of money! Do I win?”

“I don’t think it was spontaneous,” Ocellus said. “I think-”

“SILENCE!” Alias yelled. “Sorry. It’s that speech impediment again. Anyway, Charity-”

“Rarity,” Sandbar corrected.

“Whatever. Anyway, after what happened I don’t think I can use fire again. And none of them use nearly as much product anyway.”

“You mean you can’t use fire… in your book report, right?” Gallus asked.

“What book report?”

“The one you were doing about their weaknesses?”

“Oh yeah,” Alias said. “That one. I almost forgot.” She rolled, landing on a railroad. “YES! YESSSSS!” She hissed, leaping to her hooves. “Now I have total dominion over all utilities and transportation! You’ve all fallen into my brilliant trap!”

“Now I’m pretty sure I didn’t hear y’all right, because it sounded an awful lot like y’all were sayin’ that ya don’t like apples.”

“They’re just not all that good,” Alias said, either not understanding or ignoring the look that Applejack was giving her. The rest of the class had shifted away from her, as if they feared that Alias was about to be at the center of a world of hurt.

“Apples are th’ most important crop in th’ world! Why on Celestia’s green earth would y’all not like ‘em?”

“Fine, you want the truth!?” Alias sat up straight, glaring at Applejack through her shutter shades. “Apples are lame!”

Applejack gasped, falling back as if struck.

“There’s plenty of other fruits! Like- like- what’s the small blue one?”

“Blueberry?” Gallus suggested

“Blueberries! And blackberries! And redberries!”

“They’re called strawberries,” Ocellus offered.

“SILENCE, WORM! I mean, thank you, yes, strawberries. Why aren’t we learning about them instead?”

“Well I just, y’all…” Applejack huffed and turned away. She sighed. “Y’all are right. I’ve been teachin’ all y’all about just one type of fruit. As a teacher I should be tryin’ ta expand yer horizons. From now on we’ll learn about all sorts a fruit. Thank y’all, Alias.”

Alias frowned. “You’re welcome?”

“Are you feeling okay?” Sandbar asked. “You don’t look as radical as you usually do.”

“I don’t feel very radical either,” Alias admitted. “I don’t know if things are going to work out the way I wanted.”

“What?!” Silverstream gasped. “Don’t tell me you’re thinking of dropping out?!”

Alias shrugged.

“But you’re my cool friend!” Silverstream said.

“I am cool,” Alias mumbled.

“I think we need a group hug!” Silverstream suggested. She flew in for it and Alias hissed, rearing up. “Maybe not.”

“You know, there’s an old griffon saying,” Gallus said. “Some days, you fall off the horse and you have to pick yourself up and eat that horse.”

Everyone else in the room stared at him.

“It doesn’t translate really well,” Gallus admitted. “But you gotta get yourself out of that rut, get back on your talons, and eat that horse with us!”

Sandbar coughed.

“Metaphorically,” Gallus corrected.

“Now this is extremely important,” Pinkie Pie said. “The best way to get other ponies to smile is for you to smile too!” She paced back and forth in front of the line of students. She’d found an old army helmet and borrowed a riding crop from Rarity’s personal collection.

Alias rolled her eyes. It should have been impossible for Pinkie to see, with the shades and the angle, but she found a riding crop pointed right at her face.

“Did I see a look there, young missy?!” Pinkie demanded. “Drop and give me twenty!”

Alias sighed and got down to her knees, starting to do push-ups.

“...what are you doing?” Pinkie asked, confused.

“Giving you twenty push-ups?” Alias offered.

“Silly, this isn’t gym class! We’d be doing dodgeball if this was gym class!”

“Yona like dodgeball!” Yona yelled.

“So what am I supposed to do?” Alias asked, frowning in confusion.

“Twenty laughs, of course,” Pinkie said, offering a hoof. Alias took it. Pinkie helped her up. “This is a class about fun. Twilight showed me some research the other day, and you know what it said?”

“Something about books?” Alias guessed.

Pinkie giggled. “No! It said that if you act happy, even when you’re feeling down and blue, helps you start to feel happy!”

“Why would anyone study that?”

Pinkie put a hoof on her shoulder. “If the research we do can’t make ponies feel better, what’s the point of doing it at all? Now give me twenty laughs! And I don’t want no giggles! I want guffaws, right from the gut!”

Alias took a deep breath and laughed.

“MWAHAHAHAHAHA!”

“Haven’t you noticed something weird about Alias?” Ocellus said. “You know, that she’s a little off? A little evil, maybe?”

“You’re just saying that because you’re jealous,” Sandbar said. “Because she’s cool.”

“She dug a pit trap and tried to lure the guidance counselor into it,” Ocellus retorted.

“Alias said that was a natural sinkhole with naturally-occurring spikes at the bottom,” Smoulder said. “Are you calling her a liar?”

“Yes!”

“That’s really rude,” Sandbar admonished. “She’s our friend! We’re supposed to trust her.”

“I’m so sorry about the way Opal treated you. She’s not usually quite that bad with new ponies,” Fluttershy said. She wrapped bandages around Alias’s scratched limbs. “For some reason most of the animals really didn’t seem to like you much.”

“W-whatever,” Alias sniffled, hiding her eyes behind her shades. “They’re just jealous because I’m so cool.”

“You’re very ‘rad’,” Fluttershy assured her, patting her on the head. “You’ve been a very good patient. Do you want a lollipop?”

“Okay,” Alias mumbled. “Do you have any red ones? I like red ones.” They reminded her of Hearts and Hooves day.

“I’ll check my desk. You just wait here.”

Alias nodded.

As soon as Fluttershy left, something black and hideous flew into Alias’ face. Acting on instinct, she snapped at it, the bat easily evading her clumsy bite and flying in tight circles around her head.

“What is it doing?!” Alias yelled, starting to panic. Had it found out that secretly she wasn’t cool?!

“Oh!” Fluttershy gasped. “I’m so sorry. Barbra was taking a nap before the nocturnal creatures class later tonight, and I forgot I left her in the room.”

“So why is it doing this?” Alias demanded.

Fluttershy held up her hoof, and the bat landed on it, dangling from the underside of Fluttershy’s fetlock. She tilted her head and nodded, listening as the bat squeaked at hypersonic frequencies only changelings, bats, and vamponies could hear.

“What’s she saying?” Alias asked, listening to the squeaks but unable to decipher them.

“She says she was very impressed with the way you hung from the ceiling after Opal attacked you,” Fluttershy translated.

“Oh well,” Alias looked away. “It’s a natural talent for a bodacious pony like myself. Back where I come from they call it hanging four.”

“You have a pet bat?” Smoulder asked. “That’s cool, I guess.”

“It’s gonna be the hip thing in a couple years,” Alias assured her. “It’s called being ahead of the curve.” She gently stroked the bat, which was hanging from her ear, napping.

“What does she eat?” Ocellus asked.

“Annoying bugs that ask too many questions!” Alias hissed.

Ocellus cowered back.

“And fruit,” Alias admitted. “Mostly fruit to be honest.”

“I-I’ve been thinking about what you asked before,” Ocellus said. “About the weaknesses of the Elements of Harmony.”

“Oh?” Alias asked, pretending not to be interested.

Ocellus narrowed her eyes. “What I’d do is, I’d infiltrate their school and try to learn everything about them while in disguise, then after I’d befriended them, I’d use what I’d learned to ruin their friendships by creating misunderstandings and arguments between them that would quickly become self-fueling, destroying their ability to work together against a threat. Then, once they were alone and vulnerable, I’d start taking them one at a time, leaving planted evidence that it was one of them doing it. They’d start fighting each other and then, once there was only one left, I’d reveal everything I’d done and watch their spirit shatter under the weight of my betrayal and the friends that they, themselves, had brought down.”

Alias’s jaw dropped.

“That’s like…” Smoulder blinked.

“Yona scared,” Yona whispered, trying to hide behind Sandbar.

Silverstream laughed nervously. “You… you put a lot of thought into it.”

“Don’t you think that’s going a little far?” Gallus asked.

“Of course if I did that, I’d ruin the friendships I had, too,” Ocellus said, slowly. “So I’d think really buzzing carefully about what I was doing.”

Alias nodded.

Ocellus smiled. “And I’d try and be nicer.”

“I’ll work on it,” Alias croaked out.

“So how are you settling in?” Twilight asked.

“Oh, you know,” Alias leaned back, trying to look cool. “I’ve got a lot of irons spinning at once, as the cool ponies like me say.”

“Of course,” Twilight agreed. “I too often have many plates in the fire.”

“Plates in the fire?” Alias snorted. “That’s dumb. You’re dumb.”

Twilight’s ears folded back.

“Anyway, is this going to take long? I’ve got stuff to do.”

“What kind of stuff?”

“You know.” Alias waved a hoof vaguely. “Friendship stuff. This is a friendship school, right?”

“Yes, it’s--”

“An unaccredited friendship school.”

Twilight’s eye twitched. “But with a royal charter.”

Alias coughed into her fetlock. “Nepotism!”

“Anyway, as I was saying, I had some concerns at first, but your grades have steadily improved, and I’ve gotten good reports from most of your teachers. Rainbow Dash’s are written in crayon and I’m not entirely sure what she was trying to say.”

“How’s the purple one?”

“...I’m the purple one.”

“No, no, the other purple one.”

“Starlight? She’s fine. She almost had a nasty fall into an odd sinkhole, but-”

“Not her, the other OTHER purple one. Oddity.”

“Do you mean Rarity? She’s not even purple. Her mane is purple.”

“It’s not my fault you horses all look the same,” Alias grumbled.

“But since you're curious, she’s feeling much better. She’ll be back before the end of the week once her mane grows back. I’ll let her know you asked.”

Alias shrugged. “Whatever.” She relaxed a little. “She shouldn’t use so much hair spray.”

Twilight smiled a little.

“What?” Alias asked.

“Nothing. I’ll pass on your recommendation about hair spray.”

“Are we done?” Alias huffed. “I was supposed to be playing buckball ten minutes ago.”

“Of course.” Twilight stood up and walked her to the door. “You know, I really was worried when you started here. And your initial grades weren’t promising.”

“Mm.” Alias tried to ignore her.

“I looked into your past education myself, because there was something else I was worried about, and wouldn’t you know, it turns out there’s no record of a unicorn named Alias anywhere in Equestria? It’s almost like it was something made up on the spot.”

Alias started to sweat.

“And you know what else?” Twilight smiled brightly. “That made me feel even better. Because if I had found something, I might have had to talk to you about that. Because then there'd be a pony named Alias that I'd be worried about.”

Twilight shoved her out into the hallway.

“Have fun playing buckball, Chrysalis,” Twilight said, patting her flank before shutting the door.

Alias stared off into space. She didn’t hear Gallus yelling.

The ball hit her in the face hard enough to knock her down, her radical glasses flying off.

“Ow,” she said, after a moment.

“Are you okay?” Sandbar asked, helping her up. “Yona spiked that one kinda hard.”

“I’m awesome,” Alias said, dazed.

Gallus landed next to her “You looked like your mind was a million miles away.”

Alias bit her lip, then stood up straighter. “Everyone, I have a surprising and dramatic announcement to make. The truth is, I’m-”

“Queen Chrysalis,” Ocellus, Sandbar, and Gallus said, at almost the same time. Smoulder nodded. Silverstream gasped. Yona stood there, thinking deeply.

“You knew?!” Chrysalis gasped.

“I’ve known since ‘hello fellow youths’,” Ocellus admitted. “I just thought it was rude to point it out, your majesty.”

“Since you called me ‘majesty’ I’ll forgive you this time, even if you are hideous and pastel now.”

“I’ve known since that time we had a sleepover and you shapechanged in your sleep,” Sandbar put in. “I was really scared but then you started talking in your sleep about noodles.”

Chrysalis shivered. “I don’t want to talk about the noodle dream.”

“Anyway the point is you’ve been pretty cool.” Gallus shrugged. “You wanna keep playing bucket position? I know you can shapechange but you and Ocellus are the only ones that can really do telekinesis.”

“You’re all okay with this?” Chrysalis asked.

Sandbar smiled. “That’s what friends are for, right?”

Yona gasped. “Everyone! I think pony is changeling!”

“All my friends are stupid,” Chrysalis sighed.

Silverstream hugged her. “That’s how you know they’re really your friends!”

“That’s a terrible friendship lesson.”

Ocellus patted Chrysalis on the shoulder. “You’re sort of a terrible friend, your majesty.”

Author's Note

I decided to write something quick and without a side of beans.

Had this idea for a bit and realized I'd better toss it out there before the show gets ahead of me.