Interventions

by Trick Question

Rating: everyone
Tags: Bon-Bon, Random, Derpy Hooves, Slice of Life, Doctor Whooves, Lyra, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Carrot Top
Length: 1013

Derpy is the subject of a highly random intervention or two.

Derpy is the subject of a highly random intervention or two.

Written for The Writeoff Association's "TBD" contest, which I decided meant "Totally Banned Derpy".

Published 2018-05-31 11:40:06 UTC
Last updated 2018-05-31 11:40:06 UTC

Interventions

I knew something was wrong the moment I entered the living room.

For one thing, Carrot Top was home early. By itself, this wasn't weird—she would often return home around Special Derpy Muffin Time to thwart my latest attempt to locate the hidden muffins inside our refrigerator. After several Special Derpy Muffin Time attempts, I have to admit it doesn't appear that there are any muffins in our refrigerator. But Carrot Top isn't smart enough to realize the muffins could be invisible. Sometimes, the search for muffins requires a very careful application of science coupled with occasional extreme intra-refrigerator violence.

No, the unusual thing was all the other ponies: the Doctor was here, and Lyra Heartstrings, and Bon Bon. Plus, there was that pony whose name I keep forgetting, and she had her crown on at the moment which meant whatever this was it was probably important. There were six chairs arranged in a circle, and all my friends were sitting Lyra-style in them for maximum discomfort.

I didn't like this at all. Circles always spell trouble.

"Hay Derpy," said Carrot Top, with a smile on her face. That was weird too. It was more common for her to make a scrunchface with one hoof in front of it so you couldn't see the scrunch very well (which kind of defeats the purpose of a scrunchface in the first place).

"Could you take a seat?" asked the Doctor. The empty seat was obviously for me. I carefully checked it for invisible muffins before sitting down.

"I'm scared and confused," I said, which was normal. "Why are we playing musical chairs with no music? Is it invisible music?"

"Derpy, this is an intervention," said the winged unicorn pony whose name I still can't remember. I mean, that was only a few sentences ago. "We need to talk to you."

I frowned. "Please tell me you're not here to stop me from finding invisible muffins," I said. "I know they're out there! Sometimes I can almost smell them."

Everypony made confused-looking faces, except Carrot Top who made the face that makes her look old and tired.

"Derpy. It's not that kind of intervention," Bon Bon said. "That one's scheduled for tomorrow. Today, we're here to talk to you about being secret rabbit toy factories."

"What?" I said. I've always suspected Bon Bon was hiding something, ever since she tried to kiss me that one time I suddenly stuck my face in between her and Lyra when they were both leaning close.

"We're secret rabbit toy factories, Derpy," said the crown-pony.

"Oh. You secretly make rabbit toys?" I asked.

The Doctor shook his head. "No, Derpy. We are toy factories. We're staffed and run by rabbits. Secretly." He made the hoof-to-the-mouth expression, which either meant he was shushing me, or else he might have been yawning. It's really hard to tell with hooves.

"Although the toys we make are rabbit toys, so you're technically right," said Lyra. She shrugged her shoulders in a really weird way.

Carrot Top nodded. "Let me show you." She reached down and pulled open the furry skin from her stomach. Out of a gap in her pelt peeked the head and arm of a bunny. He held a wicker ball, then smiled and retreated back into Carrot Top's body.

"That's unusual," I said. "This isn't an intervention at all! This is just one of those 'coming out' things, isn't it? I never knew you were all secret rabbit toy factories." (In retrospect, I probably didn't know that because it was a secret.)

"No, it is an intervention," said Bon Bon. "Your whole 'not being a secret rabbit toy factory' thing has gone on for too long, Derpy. We want you be sensible and start being a secret rabbit toy factory like the rest of your friends."

I thought carefully about her offer, for at least seventeen minutes. Nopony said anything, but Carrot Top sighed an awful lot. I'm not sure what kind of rabbit toy production causes secret rabbit toy factories to sigh like that, but it must go on a lot inside her.

"No," I finally said. "I have too many organs."

"Well... that's fine, but at the very least we need you to keep it a secret," said the Doctor. "Otherwise we can't be secret rabbit toy factories anymore. We'd just be rabbit toy factories, and that isn't very considerate."

I stood up and magically transformed into Super Derpy. "Peanuts are good for your digestive system!" I shouted, realizing my catch phrase could use some work. Then all Tartarus broke loose—

"You see? This is why we're having an intervention, Derpy," said Carrot Top, after reading the paper aloud. "You have to stop writing these stories. Like, right now."

"But that fanfic isn't finished," said Derpy Hooves. "It probably gets a lot better."

"This isn't fanfiction, Derpy!" said Lyra, holding her hooves aloft and waving them wildly. "These aren't fictional characters you're writing about. You're writing bizarre, creepy stories about your friends, and you're leaving them around where anypony can see them! We're real ponies, not toy factories—"

"Secret rabbit toy factories," corrected Derpy. "Also secret rabbit toy factories. I know that's kind of confusing, but I'll add a chapter or two to explain the difference."

The Doctor reached out and gently laid a hoof on Derpy's shoulder. "Derpy, why don't we spend some time together trying to find a different creative outlet for you? Maybe painting?" he offered. "You can put practically anything on a canvas and somepony will think it's art. You could be famous in no time at all."

Derpy pouted. "You can't stifle my genius!" she said. Then she stood up and stormed out of the house, gently closing the door behind her.

Princess Twilight Sparkle sighed. "I'm sorry, everypony. That certainly could have gone better. Maybe we shouldn't have been so direct."

Bon Bon narrowed her eyes. "Well, we still have a major problem to deal with," she said. A lump wiggled within her neck, controlling her vocal speakers.

"She knows."