In Which a Conflict Reveals Itself
With a Grain of Salt
by theswimminbrony
Chapter 1
In the upper floor of Sugarcube Corner, a battle was unfolding. It was a battle of strength and wills like none had even seen before, the competitors made of some of the fiercest stuff the world had ever seen.
And so far, it showed no signs of ending.
In the enclosed room, two pairs of eyes met in the middle of the dead-silent stadium. It was a showdown unlike any the two onlooking spectators had ever witnessed before, both competitors concentrating on the other with every fiber of their being. One pair of eyes shone a bright shade of blue and radiated confidence that could only be rivaled by the fiercest of dragons. The other pair glowed a majestic purple, the black dots in its centers like vortexes that threatened to swallow galaxies into its all-knowing gaze.
And then, for a split second, the glimmer of blue vanished.
"Shoot!" Pinkie Pie cried. She slammed her hooves against the ground in defeat, triggering a bout of laughter from the infants that watched from their crib. "You're way too good at this, Gummy."
The alligator blinked in agreement before returning to his blank stare.
"Well, that does it for staring contests," Pinkie Pie mumbled to herself. Out of seemingly nowhere, she produced a piece of parchment and a pen, and with a grimace, drew a line through 'staring contest!' She reluctantly marked a 'G' next to the line as she grumbled something about the 'stupid dust' in the air.
"Alright, well after staring contests, it looks like the baking contest up next." She squealed in delight, tossing the pen and paper into the air, the spiraling sheet captivating the drooling infants as it slowly drifted towards the ground. "The baking contest! Woohoo!"
And then, Pinkie's demeanor changed. Her eyes narrowed, their stares like piercing darts that bore deeper and deeper into the alligator's soul with each passing second. She jabbed Gummy on the snout, triggering a strained sneeze from the reptile.
Pinkie Pie meant business.
"You may have bested me at knitting and wakeboarding," Pinkie Pie said, inching closer with each word. "And also that blasted staring contest," she added under her breath. "But mark my words, mister: there's no way you're beating auntie Pinkie Pie at her own game. Got that?"
There was no response.
"Good!" Pinkie said cheerfully, her bubbly personality resurfacing. "Now grab on, Gummy, we've got some cupcakes to bake!"
And with that, the alligator's toothless jaws clamped onto the pony's mane, and the two sped downstairs to the kitchen.
"...and next, the flour!" Pinkie Pie recited as she dumped a heap of white powder into the bowl that sat in front of her. To her right, Gummy squatted on a stool, a diminutive chef's hat perched on his head. As Pinkie Pie began to stir the newest ingredient into the concoction, she hummed a familiar tune.
"You know, Gummy," she spoke, "it's a good thing we teamed up. I mean, I almost forgot about Twilight's party later today! It would have just been a disaster if I didn't show up with oodles of scrumptious sweets!" The alligator, who had become Pinkie's partner in crime in an emotional turn of events, made a strange gurgling sound in response, and Pinkie giggled. "You got that right, Gummy! I mean, with my natural baking talent and your razor-sharp intellect" —she playfully knocked him on the noggin— "there's no way in Equestria that these cupcakes are going to be anything but the most spectaculicious things the world has ever seen!"
And then, she paused, slowly scratching her chin with hoof suspiciously. No matter how routine this bout of baking seemed, she couldn't shake the feeling that something felt... off. "No way, that is, unless some completely random and normally insignificant event interrupts this entirely normal activity and sends Ponyville into a chaotic downward spiral of doom!" There was a short silence, followed by a quick shrug from the pink pony.
"It's probably just nothing... anyways, let's get back to baking," Pinkie instructed. "Now it's time for... the sugar!" She extended a hoof towards the oblivious alligator, hardly unable to contain her excitement. And who could blame her? This was sugar she was talking about. Delicious, sweet, succulent sugar. The most amazing thing in the world. The thing that made her very existence worth living.
Sugar.
Pinkie opened her eyes from her delectable daydream to be greeted by an empty and sugar-free hoof.
That's strange... Pinkie thought, scratching the back of her head. Hmm... I guess Gummy just didn't hear me that time. And I can't blame him! I wasn't nearly as excited as I should have been! Honestly, Pinkie Pie, this is sugar. Sugar, for crying out loud! And you know better than anypony else that there's nothing better in the whole wide world than a heaping pile of super-duper-splenderific sugar!
She turned to Gummy, who looked just as excited as ever. And then, grinning ear to ear, Pinkie Pie leaped into the air and struck a dramatic pose as fireworks cracked behind her and confetti blossomed throughout the air.
"The sugar!" she yelled, emotions of anticipation and delight overflowing from her pudgy figure. With an empty hoof extended to Gummy once more, Pinkie Pie noted that the remains of the fireworks and confetti had mysteriously disappeared once again.
After what seemed like an eternity, the alligator finally mustered a lazy blink.
"Huh? What do you mean there's no sugar?" Pinkie Pie protested. "There's always sugar! There has to be sugar!"
Gummy blinked once more.
"Cool it, mister sassy-pants!" Pinkie scolded from across the room as she frantically searched through cabinets. "This is a bakery. Bakeries make sweets!" OhmycelestiaIlovesweets. "And sweets! Have! Sugar!"
"Pinkie? Is something wrong in there, dear?" A concerned voice called. "We don't have to call the fire department again, do we, honey?"
"Not this time, Mrs. Cake!" Pinkie replied in an equally frantic tone. "We've got a much bigger problem to tackle!"
There was a scream, and then Mrs. Cake barreled into the scene, bursting through the swinging doors.
"She's a pony, silly! Not a barrel!" Pinkie said, chuckling. "Oh! Hey, Mrs. Cake! Looks like you barrel-y made it in time!"
"Pinkie!" Mrs. Cake panted. "What in the name of Celestia are you babbling on about? What's the problem? Did you break something?"
"Ooh! A guessing game! I love these!" Pinkie squealed, hopping in delight. "And nope! All the plates and glasses are doing just dandy!"
"Pinkie, this is serious!" Mrs. Cake pleaded. "What happened? Is Gummy sick?" Pinkie shook her head slowly as if she were disappointed. "Is there a parasprite in the kitchen?" Mrs. Cake's eyes darted back and forth frantically, but Pinkie calmly shook her head once more. "Is one of the twins missing?"
"You're getting closer!"
"For the love of everything that is sweet and tasty, Pinkie, just tell me what's wrong!"
Pinkie gasped, a look of sheer terror on her face.
"Sorry, Pinkie, I didn't mean to yell at you like that," Mrs. Cake said, though anypony that could read expressions would be able to tell that she wasn't sorry at all. "Just please. Tell me. What's wrong."
"I didn't think you were mad, Mrs. Cake," Pinkie whispered. "I gasped because..." She began to sweat profusely.
"Because...?" Mrs. Cake asked in a huff.
"Because..."
"Yes, Pinkie?" Mrs. Cake gritted her teeth. "I'm not going to have to guess about this now, am I?"
"Becausemytummyjustturned!"
Mrs. Cake let out a deep sigh before slowly wrapping her foreleg around Pinkie's shoulders. "Pinkie, dear," she began. "Your stomach turning is nothing to be worried about. Now, are you feeling alright?"
"Yes! And that's just it!" Pinkie protested, the look of concern on her face a complete one-eighty of her usual carefree self. "If I'm feeling fine, then this tummy-turning thing just has to be part of my Pinkie Sense!" As if on cue, Pinkie's tail twitched. She squealed and jumped into Mrs. Cake's forelegs, narrowly avoiding a collision with a falling pan. "See?"
"And that's why you were screaming?" Mrs. Cake groaned, still cradling Pinkie Pie in her arms. "Because of your ridiculous 'telepathic' abilities?"
Pinkie jumped back to the ground with a quizzical look on her face. "What? No, that's why I gasped, remember?" Mrs. Cake rolled her eyes. "No, the real reason I was screaming is because we're out of sugar!" And then, the realization hit her. "We're out of sugar! Aaaaugh!" She ran around the room screaming, arms flailing in the air behind her in a frenzy. In her fit, several cooking utensils and ingredients made their way to the floor, every spill earning a wince from Mrs. Cake.
"Pinkie, stop that right now! Please!" the exasperated mare ordered.
And Pinkie did just that. She froze in midair as if she were in a photograph, the look of sheer terror still imprinted on her face.
Initially, Mrs. Cake almost appeared impressed, but the stress and annoyance quickly returned to her. "Pinkie... if we're out of sugar, would it really be that much of a problem to ask one of the neighbors for a cup? That's what neighbors are for, anyways."
Pinkie gasped and fell to the ground. Quick as a wink, she ran to Mrs. Cake and embraced her in a hug that surpassed even bear status.
"That's a great idea, Mrs. Cake!" Pinkie exclaimed, failing to notice the irritation on the elder mare's face. "What would I ever do without you?"
"Wreak havoc and chaos everywhere, that's for sure..."
"What was that?" Pinkie asked, breaking the hug in confusion.
"Er, nothing!" Mrs. Cake chuckled nervously, batting her hoof in the air. "Nothing at all, Pinkie! Now, why don't you see what the neighbors have to offer?"
"Great idea, Mrs. Cake!" And with that, a pink bolt shot out of the kitchen, leaving the apathetic alligator and the exhausted confectioner behind. Mrs. Cake sighed before a head and neck stretched into the doorway, elongating itself to such an extent that there was no way it could belong to a pony.
Any normal pony, that is.
"Oh, and thanks for the advice!" the head said, causing Mrs. Cake to jump higher than she had in years. The head disappeared once more, prompting an awkward silence to fill the air. Mrs. Cake sighed once more, massaging her temples in the process.
"Just what am I ever going to do with that pony, Gummy?" she mused.
"Ha! You're telling me!" the alligator agreed. "I have to spend day after day with that crazy mare! And every day it's the same stupid crap! 'Let's bake some cupcakes, Gummy!' 'Oh, you'd look so silly in this outfit, Gummy!' Oh, and today? 'Let's have a staring contest, Gummy!' Because that's a whole lot of fun! Let's just sit around looking at each other until our eyeballs just dry out and shrivel into little raisins that we can use on those Celestia-forsaken atrocities that you call muffins that the Princess herself would smite you for having the guts to create!" The alligator panted, exhausted from his rant. He then hopped off his stool and made his way towards the staircase outside of the kitchen. "I don't know what to tell you, lady. You're on your own. I'm just an alligator."
And then he was gone, most likely off to indulge himself in the false sun that occupied his tank.
Mrs. Cake, meanwhile, stood in place, her eyes widened and jaw open in absolute shock. She groaned, the unwelcome headache of being responsible for two babies and a Pinkie Pie returning once more.
"I really need a vacation," she grumbled.
"You're out of sugar, too?" Pinkie cried in disbelief. The cream-colored earth pony that stood in the doorway backed away, knowing there was nothing more dangerous than an upset Pinkie Pie. "You're the fifth pony besides me that's said that! Did the sugar truck just... whoosh!... fall off of Mount Canterlot on its way to Ponyville or something?"
"Heh... I dunno, Pinkie," Bon Bon replied nervously, slowly closing the door that separated the two bakers. "I checked Piggly Wiggly's store just yesterday to see if they had any in stock, but they were all out."
Pinkie grabbed Bon Bon's face, pulling the mare to her so that their eyes were merely inches apart. "You don't get it, Bon Bon. I need sugar. If I don't get some soon, something really really really bad is going to happen!"
"Like that time the weird pony-dragon thing showed up and turned all our houses upside down?" Bon Bon joked.
Pinkie leered over Bon Bon, forcing the mare down to the ground. "Worse."
Beginning to sweat, Bon Bon slowly backed away. "Well maybe Piggly Wiggly has some sugar now. Why don't you check?"
"Hmmm... good idea, Bon Bon. The Cakes usually pick up the ingredients from there, but if it's something as important as this, I guess I'll—"
Slam!
"—make an exception." Feeling somewhat confused, Pinkie left the stairs in front of Bon Bon's house and made her way to the grocery store down the street, her brisk walk increasing to a gallop as her stomach turned a second time.
Within minutes, a small store came into her view, the sign in front of it indicating it was her destination. After a bout with a fussy automatic door, she found herself inside the quaint little store, frantically searching each and every aisle for some sign, any sign, of sugar.
But just like every other attempt that day, her efforts proved fruitless.
"Need some help, missy?" a gruff voice asked from behind her. Pinkie quickly turned her head to be greeted by the image of a rather slovenly pink earth pony. He slouched in a chair behind a counter, crumbs in his unkempt mane and scruffy beard. A cigarette hung lazily in his mouth, the sparks at its end hypnotizing Pinkie.
"Excuse me, miss?" the voice repeated.
Pinkie shook her head and snapped back into focus. "Sorry, mister... you must be Piggly Wiggly, right?"
"Don't call me that," the earth pony snapped, causing Pinkie to jump backwards in surprise. "Sorry, miss. I just... hate that name. Just call me Pig, alright?"
"Okie dokie lokie!" Pinkie sang. "Now please, I really need your help, Mr. Pig!"
"Eh? You do, then? What seems to be the problem?"
"I'm out of sugar, and I can't find any anywhere! Not at my house, not with the neighbors, and not even here! And I neeeeeeeeed sugar, Mr. Pig!"
Pig rolled his eyes, as if he were listening to a gripe that he had heard thousands of times before.
Which, to be fair, he had.
"Listen, kid—"
"I'm not a kid!" Pinkie interrupted, feeling somewhat offended. "I'm only a year younger than Fluttershy, however old that is!"
"Whatever. Listen, er..." Pig trailed off, realizing his mistake. "I'm sorry, miss, I didn't get your name earlier."
"Me? I'm Pinkie Pie, the number one party pony in all of Equestria! Everypony knows me, Mr. Pig!"
"I don't get out much," the shopkeeper quickly explained.
"Well, I'll throw you a party sometime, then." Pinkie's stomach turned once more. "Now please, Mr. Pig, I really really need some sugar. Right right now!"
Pig sighed. "Right. That. Look, every day I've got dozens of ponies coming in here, asking for sugar. But we're plumb out, alright? I don't have any, and I don't know when I'll have any. Just" —he spread his arms, looking around the shop— "I'm out."
"But why?" Pinkie asked. "Why is everypony out of sugar? What happened?"
Pig rolled his eyes, absorbed in the newspaper he had opened in front of him. "Something about a sugar truck falling off of Mount Canterlot on its way to Ponyville or something. Sounds like a bunch of malarkey, if you ask me."
Pinkie stood wide eyed, speechless for one of the first times in her life. "Heh. Well, uh... thanks, Mr. Pig. I guess I'll just get out of here. And go home. Sugarless."
"I'll try and get some soon, Pinkie."
"I know you will..." Pinkie whispered. It just might not be soon enough.
And then, for the fourth time, her stomach turned. But perhaps turned wasn't the right word to describe it. To Pinkie, it felt more like there was a strange fox in an spaceship doing barrel rolls all throughout her belly. She fell over on the ground in pain, clutching her stomach.
Then came the hiccups.
The hiccups erupted from Pinkie in rapid succession, each one louder and higher pitched than the last. Pig watched the scene unfold with raised eyebrows, ensuring that he captured every moment of what was likely the most exciting event in his entire career.
In a finale, Pinkie's entire body expanded to ridiculous proportions before fizzling out to her normal figure in the way a child would pinch the tip of a party balloon.
And then she was still.
There was a silence, followed by the clopping of heavy hooves on the floor as Pig neared his customer's side, not knowing whether he should be afraid or concerned.
"Pinkie?" he said weakly. "You alright there? You need me to get you some water or something?" When no response came, he gently prodded the mare's body with his hoof. "Pinkie?"
It was the worst mistake he had ever made in his life.
The pink mare shot up at the speed of light. Her mane and coat had retained their brightness and curliness, but something about Pinkie's expression was completely different than what Pig had seen before.
"Get your filthy hooves off me!" the pink mare screamed, sending Pig reeling backwards in terror. "Ugh, this place is a dump! Would it kill you to get some air fresheners in here or something?" Her eyes made their way to the cigarette that lay in the ashtray at Pig's desk, and she gave the shopkeeper a quizzical look. "Really? In your own store?"
"Hey, uh, nopony's ever complained about it before!" Pig stammered. "What's your deal? First you come in here asking for sugar, then you go and... well, explode on my floor! And now you have the guts to insult me in my own store?"
"Hmph! I would hardly call this place a store. It's more like a run-down little fruit stand with outrageous prices."
Pig growled and narrowed his eyes. "Why you little..."
"Little what?" The pony that had once been Pinkie chuckled. "It seems like nopony ever finishes that line, am I right?" She shoved Pig aside and strode towards the sliding doors, mysteriously content with the fact that she was still sugarless. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have some... business to attend to."
"Yeah you do!" Pig yelled. "Like getting out of my store! Seriously, Pinkie, what's your deal?"
"I am leaving your store," the pony replied. As the sliding doors swung open, she looked over her shoulder, a malicious grin on her face. "And please, dear..."
"What now?"
"...call me Pinkamena."
The doors shut behind her, and she was gone, leaving Pig alone and confused.
"What just happened?" he said to nopony in particular. He scoffed and shook his head as he sat down in his chair and resumed reading the newspaper. "Mares these days..."
In Which a Suspicion Arises
Chapter 2
In the Ponyville Library, chaos was arising.
"I'm telling you guys, there's simply no way that Pinkie would just not show up to a party without telling us something was up!" Twilight barked. Applejack stood to her side, her eyes narrowed in frustration. Rainbow Dash and Rarity opposed them in a similar matter, setting aside their usual differences for the time being. Fluttershy and Spike cowered on the sidelines, wincing as their friends laced venomous words at each other across the battlefield. Spike was especially torn, seeing as his best friend stood on one side and his crush on the other. As a result, he constantly looked to the ground, twiddling his thumbs nervously, hoping that nopony would ask of his opinion.
"Look, I know this is Pinkie Pie we're talking about," Twilight continued, "but we can't just sit around and do nothing!"
"Says who?" Rainbow Dash objected, drawing in a deep yawn. "The whole 'do nothing' thing sounds just fine to me. If we leave and Pinkie shows up by herself, who knows what'll happen? She might freak out or something!" Beside her, Rarity nodded rigorously. "Plus, I could use a break. Do you have any idea how annoying it is to be interrupted in the middle of a nap because some rookie doesn't know how to handle their rainclouds? I'm exhausted!"
"Exhausted?" Applejack scoffed, temper rising. "Exhausted! All you ever do is sit around on your flank all day while the rest of us actually work to make a living! Try buckin' apples for a whole day with the sun beatin' down on you and then tell me what exhausted feels like!"
Rainbow's wings flared. "Hey! I make sure to find time to practice my tricks, too!" she retorted, flying within inches of Applejack's face.
"That's not work!" Applejack countered. The two ponies lowered their heads, appearing as though they were bulls locking horns. "That's bein' selfish and spending all your time for yourself!"
"Is not!"
"Is too!"
"Is—"
"Oh, we are not starin' that argument, Rainbow Dash," Applejack interrupted. The pegasus backed off and crossed her arms in a huff. "Now listen here. I know you work hard doing your weather pony job and whatnot, but some of us are working our tails off day after day and not complaining about it."
"Hmph!" A snooty voice rang through the air, drawing the attention of everypony watching. Rarity, who had previously been silent, flipped her mane to the side, as if to demonstrate her superiority. Then, with her nose still in the air, she gave a smile. "As if a country pony would know what real work is like."
Then, the room was silent. Fluttershy and Spike had moved their hiding spot to behind a balloon-covered couch, where they bit their lips in anticipation. The other ponies stood rooted in place with their mouths open, save for Applejack, who gritted her teeth and narrowed her eyes in an expression of sheer fury, and Rarity, who still wore the same smug little grin on her face.
Finally, Applejack broke the silence.
"Y'all did not just say what I think you just said," she threatened. Her voice was cool and nearly silent, the anger bottled up inside her ready to explode at any moment.
"Uh... you think you might have gone a little too far there, Rare?" Rainbow Dash quipped as she backed away from the southern pony. Nopony payed her any attention, however, as they were preoccupied with watching the standoff in the middle of the library.
Out of seemingly nowhere, the two ponies suddenly sprung at each other in a bound of fury, screaming at the top of their lungs as they hurtled towards each other...
... and a force field stopped them inches from collision.
"Girls!" Twilight yelled, standing beneath the two hovering figures. If the situation had been different, she might have chuckled at the sight of her friends struggling to escape their purple prison. "Come on, stop fighting! We've got a different problem to worry about now! Pinkie might be in trouble, and here you are, exchanging petty insults!"
"Hey, I'm not the one who—" Applejack began before scolding look from Twilight silenced her. "I'm sorry. You're right, Twi." She looked to the posh unicorn in front of her. "And I'm sorry I snapped like that, Rarity. That was out of line."
Rarity sighed, admitting defeat. "And I suppose my... ehm, comment was out of line."
"You suppose?" Applejack deadpanned.
"Er, it was very out of line. And unladylike."
"That's better," Twilight said, lowering the pair to the ground. Reluctantly, Rarity and Applejack shook hooves, the bitterness still in the air around them. "Now, we need to think of what to do. Applejack and I think it's best to go look for Pinkie..."
"... while Rainbow Dash and I think it's best to wait," Rarity finished.
Rainbow Dash nodded in agreement. "Remember, it's only been fifteen minutes since the party was supposed to start. Give her time, and I promise she'll be here."
"Yes, but in Pinkie Pie time she's nearly an hour late," Twilight explained. "So Pinkie might really be in danger!"
The arguing once again rekindled, with all four of the ponies throwing points back and forth at each other, refusing to see the logic in the other team's side. It seemed that Rainbow Dash and Rarity would win, if only because they would argue for so long that they would never reach a verdict.
And then, a breakthrough.
"It would seem we have reached an impasse," a calm voice stated, silencing the argument. All four of the debaters turned to see Spike standing in the middle of the room, tapping his foot and crossing his arms in annoyance.
"The dragon is right," Applejack said. "We need a tiebreaker of some sort to settle this here rodeo once and for all."
"You're right," Twilight agreed, then addressed her assistant. "Spike, what do you think we should do?"
Spike's eyes widened. "Oh, no no no no no. No. There's no way I'm getting into this argument," he said, waving his claws and backpedaling. "I don't know Pinkie that well, anyways."
"Hm, good point," Twilight said, scratching her chin. And then, an idea.
"Fluttershy!"
A small squeak came from one of the potted plants in the room. Slowly, the group made their way to the source of the noise.
"Fl... Fluttershy?" Twilight asked incredulously, examining the plant. "Is that you in there?"
The plant rustled and produced another 'eep!' before returning to silence.
"Fluttershy."
"Oh, no. Don't mind me," came the eventual response. Puzzled looks and raised eyebrows were exchanged between the group. "I'm just, um... making sure these plants have healthy roots so that they get enough water so that they become big and strong. Yes, that's it. So please leave me alone."
Rainbow Dash groaned and turned the pot upside down. Along with the plant (and plenty of dirt), a dirty pegasus tumbled to the ground.
Spike scowled and groaned, knowing the mess would become his responsibility to clean up.
"Spike, get a broom!" Twilight instructed.
"Like clockwork," Spike mused to himself. He grumbled and stomped his feet, but ultimately did as he was told and began his search for a broom
"What do you have to say for yourself, Fluttershy?" Twilight questioned.
"That, um... your plants have very nice roots," Fluttershy said, grinning sheepishly. "Very healthy, indeed."
Twilight promptly facehoofed.
"How did you get in there, anyways?" Rainbow Dash asked. "This pot is tiny."
"It's a trade secret," Fluttershy explained. "You see, I—"
"Enough!" Twilight shouted. "We have to do something about Pinkie, guys! If we don't she might—"
"I might what?" a voice interrupted, startling the confused ponies. Slowly, the ponies turned their gazes to the sound of the voice, where they were met by the sight of a familiar pink pony.
Although perhaps familiar wasn't exactly the right word in this situation.
"Hello everypony," the pony greeted politely, an unfamiliar refined sort of tone present in her voice. She smiled as she walked—rather than hopped—towards the rest of the group. Her curly hair was styled into what Rarity would later call a 'fashionable bun,' and it bobbed up and down with each careful step. The black dress that hugged her figure swung back and forth with her hips, the designs on it making Rarity gawk with admiration. As she neared the group, the clop-clop of dress shoes could be heard upon the library floor. As she neared the group, she stopped and turned to the side, batting her false eyelashes seductively. "Sorry to keep you waiting."
Everpony was silent, their faces contorted into a look of complete shock and disbelief.
... all except Rarity, that is, who held a hoof to her open mouth, barely contain her admiration of Pinkie's ensemble.
"P... P..." Twilight began.
"Don't stutter, please, it's impolite," the pony suggested.
"Pinkie?!" Applejack finished.
The pink pony chuckled. "Much better. Though I prefer to be called 'Pinkamena' these days, dear. Oh, and do take off that ugly hat, please, we are indoors at a social event."
Applejack growled, her anger rekindled.
"Is that really, you, Pinkie?" Twilight questioned.
"It's Pinkamena!" the pony shouted, sending everpony reeling back. "Oh, how unladylike of me. I must apologize."
"You don't gotta apologize as long as you brought snacks!" Rainbow Dash said, smacking her lips. Her friends looked upon her with disapproving looks. "What?"
"No no, it's quite alright," Pinkamena said, much to the surprise of the others. "Miriam is right; it was my responsibility to bring snacks, and bring snacks I did."
There was a long silence.
"Um... Miriam?" Fluttershy spoke, much to the surprise of the others. "Don't you mean Rainbow?"
Pinkamena scoffed. "Hardly. Miriam is her proper name, and I shall address her as such." Gasps and whispers were exchanged between the other ponies, save for Applejack, who bit her lip in an effort to restrain her laughter.
"Pinkie!" Rainbow screamed, blushing profusely as she hovered over to her friend. Then, in a whisper, she said, "I thought you promised that you would never tell anypony about that!"
"It's nothing to be ashamed of, I assure you!" Pinkamena insisted. "Miriam is a beautiful name for a lady! Just listen." She put her arm around Rainbow's shoulder and raised her hoof in a dramatic fashion.
"...Miriam."
Applejack, unable to resist the ridiculing of her rival any longer, collapsed to the ground in a fit of laughter. Tears poured from her eyes as she clutched her sides and gasped for breath. "Miriam! Ah ha ha ha! Miriam Dash! Who'd 'a thought it, honestly! Miriam!" She pounded on the ground with her hooves and snorted, causing Pinkamena to wince as if she had come across an insect. The other ponies also stifled chuckles, while Rainbow Dash had shrunk to little more than a ball in the middle of the floor.
"My life is ruined..." she lamented.
"Ahem... now, if you'll excuse me, I must go to the little fillies' room," Pinkamena announced, raising her chin. "Twilight, could you please point me in the right direction?"
Twilight did as she was asked, and the pink pony trotted up the staircase after giving a simple thanks.
"What just happened?" Spike asked, who had recently returned with a broom and dustpan in hand.
"Miriam happened!" Applejack said, sentencing herself to another bout of uncontrollable laughter. Spike, however, simply raised his eyebrow as he looked upon perhaps the strangest scene that he had ever seen. Rainbow Dash was curled up in a ball on the ground. Fluttershy was coated in dirt. Rarity had a look of awe and wonder on her face, and was seemingly frozen in place. Applejack was laughing and snorting on the floor as if some sort of invisible force was tickling her relentlessly. Twilight seemed to be acting as if she was late for an assignment, as she was talking to herself endlessly, her mane becoming more and more disheveled as she rambled on.
Spike heard the running of water and the opening of a door, and soon a familiar figure appeared at the top of the staircase.
And then, as they locked eyes, the figure shrieked with such a volume that Spike thought it could be heard from Fillydelphia.
Except for the musings of one purple unicorn, the room grew silent once more.
"P... Pinkie?" Spike stammered.
And then, with that simple word, Pinkamena snapped.
The nearly unrecognizable pony's demeanor changed from pleasant to an expression of seething hatred. "It's Pinkamena!" she screamed. Spike jumped, having had the misfortune of catching Pinkamena at the height of her boiling temper. "How many times am I going to have to say it?" She growled as she ran down the stairs, her dress shoes clicking with each step. "You!" she said to Applejack. She poked the southern pony's exposed underbelly, then reeled back as if she had touched a sticky substance. "Take a bath and learn to act like a lady! You!" She pointed at Twilight this time, drawing the unicorn out of her rant. "Shut up! And fix that mane while you're at it, will you?"
"I..." Twilight tried to speak, but for one of the only times in her life, she had no words.
"You!" Pinkamena continued her rant, pointing an accusatory hoof at Fluttershy. "I don't even know where to start! Get clean! Toughen up! And for the love of Celestia, quit whimpering!" With a stamp of her hoof, Pinkamena turned to Rainbow Dash, leaving Fluttershy a blubbering, crying mess. "And you!" she said to Rainbow Dash. "Get off of your self-centered flank every once in a while and do some work!"
"Told ya," Applejack said. A look from Pinkamena silenced her once more.
"You call yourself a flier? A slacker is more like it! Honestly, you're a disgrace to honorable pegasi everywhere!"
"Says who?" Rainbow challenged, standing up to her full height and spreading her wings.
"Says me, Mariam!" Pinkamena retorted. Embarrassed once more, Rainbow retreated back to her cowering position. "You!" she said, pointing a hoof into the open air. The ponies exchanged confused glances, as it appeared as though she was addressing a speck of dust. "Get a life! Honestly, do you have nothing better to do besides sit in front of a screen all day and manipulate the lives of all of us ponies?"
Twilight and Applejack exchanged a look of confusion.
"And finally, you." Pinkamena addressed Rarity, snapping the dressmaker out of her self-induced trance. "Don't you know it's rude to stare?"
"Oh, Pinkie, I'm sorry!" Rarity apologized. "I just thought your dress was so spectacular that—"
"Pinkamena!" she roared. "Pinkamena, Pinkamena, Pinkamena!" Rarity was stunned. "And of course you would find this" —she gestured to herself— "spectacular! You wouldn't know fashion if it hit you across the face! I mean, honestly. That eye liner with that mane color? Tacky! That manestyle? Ugh! It's as if a dragon schooled you in fashion!"
Rarity's lip quivered, unable to come up with a single thing to say to the horrible creature that assaulted her very way of life. It was as if Pinkamena had taken her heart, stomped on it, laughed at it, and then returned it to her as a crippled mess without any purpose.
"Get out."
"Hm?" Pinkamena said. She turned her head to the voice, which belonged to a stout yet determined-looking dragon. She smiled. This dragon, f all things, thought he could challenge her? The very thought was laughable.
"You heard me. Get out," Spike said coolly. He pointed a claw to the doorway behind him. "The door's over there."
Pinkamena chuckled once more as she slowly trotted to the dragon. "And on what grounds, pray tell, do you think you have the authority to tell me what to do?"
"I'll tell you, Pinka... whoever you are." Spike drew in a deep breath. "You come in here after worrying everypony to pieces without an explanation for why you took so long."
"Oh, how rude of me," Pinkamena sarcastically responded.
"I wasn't done," Spike said. Pinkamena smirked, awaiting the young dragon's reply. "You act like you're better than everypony else, which I don't think you have the right to do, the way you're treating us all." Pinkamena scowled. "You order us around like we're drones in some sort of Changeling hive or something."
"What are you—"
"But worst of all," Spike interrupted, a tear streaming down his cheek, "you feel like you have the right to insult all of us in the worst way possible. What did we ever do to you, Pinkie?"
Pinkamena growled as she neared Spike. And then, in a howl, she pushed the baby dragon to the ground and leered over him.
"Don't you tell me what to do!" she yelled. "And don't. Call. Me. Pinkie!"
A backhanded slap from a pearly white hoof silenced the mare, and two pairs of blue eyes met.
"Leave," Rarity said.
"As if I'll—"
"Leave," Rarity repeated, sterner this time. Pinkamena looked behind the dressmaker to see four other ponies that nodded in agreement.
Pinkamena straightened herself up and harrumphed. "I guess I should get going. I'm almost late to my spa treatment, anyways." She fumbled around in a pocket and produced a roll of mints. "Here's your snacks, by the way. Not like I would ever use them." She threw it towards the crowd of ponies, where it rolled to a stop in front of Twilight.
"What the..." Twilight said, reading the packaging as she levitated it in front of her.
"Before I leave, remember one thing," Pinkamena said, drawing the attention of everypony around her. She grinned a mischievous grin. "This is just the beginning. Pinkamena always gets her way."
And then, with a flourish of her dress, she was out the door and gone.
The silence that followed seemed to last for eons.
"What just happened?" Rainbow Dash finally said.
"I'm not sure, exactly," Twilight said. "But I think you should all look at this." Fluttershy, Applejack, and Rainbow went to her side, while Rarity stayed with Spike, whispering comforting words to the shaken baby dragon. Twilight opened her mouth to protest, but thought it better to leave them be when she saw the tears coming from Spike's eyes.
"What's so special about it, Twi?" Applejack inquired. "It's just a packet of mints, nothing special."
"Yes, but don't you find it weird that Pinkie brought these instead of something sweet and fattening?"
"Pinkamena," Fluttershy corrected. The others gave her an angry stare. "Sorry."
"No, you might be on to something, Fluttershy."
"Really?"
"Yes, really. Look." Once again, Twilight pointed at the mints that hovered in front of her.
"For Celestia's sake, Twi, won't you just tell us what's so special about—" Applejack paused when she read the fine print that Twilight was gesturing at. "Oh."
"This is bad," Fluttershy said.
"Very bad," Rainbow Dash agreed.
Twilight simply nodded, reading the two words over and over again in her head. They were such simple words, but the implications made her fear for the safety of herself and everypony else involved.
Sugar free.
Pinkie's eyes opened slowly. Above her, a lamp hung from a string, its light shining around her in a perfect circle. As she slowly stood up, she looked around herself, only to be met by a blackness that seemed to extend to infinity. It was just her and the light, a beacon in the never ending sea of black.
For the first time she could remember, Pinkie felt afraid. And this time, she knew, laughter wouldn't help.
"Hello?" she said quietly. "Is anypony there?" She moved to the edge of the light and reluctantly set a hoof outside of the circle of light.
"Hello?" she said again, louder this time. When no response came, she sighed and set another hoof in the endless darkness. She bit her lip. She knew that she couldn't just sit there; she wouldn't get anything done that way. It was either that, or keep moving and search for something.
She chose the latter, stepping completely out of the circle of light, leaving behind the comfort she had had, even if it was only for a short time.
As she hummed a catchy tune, she began her journey into the darkness. Hopefully, she would find answers to her many questions somewhere out there.
Opposite to where Pinkie exited the circle, a pair of bright blue eyes watched her every move. A grin crept onto the being's face, and it began to follow.
