Those Blasted Scrolls!

by RCharge

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Luna
Length: 1290

Celestia's strength is tested when she receives tons of scrolls from an unknown sender, the messages getting more and more intimate as the day turns to night.

Celestia's strength is tested when she receives tons of scrolls from an unknown sender, the messages getting more and more intimate as the day turns to night.

Edited by: The Abyss

Published 2018-06-02 00:30:07 UTC
Last updated 2018-06-02 00:30:07 UTC

"Dear Celestia..."

Celestia sat on her throne as she stared at the mountain of scrolls settled in front of it. Every few minutes, a new one took its place upon the mound of white and brown that stretched across the room. Ever since she discovered that the residents of Ponyville started using her name as a phrase, she thought that it was endearing and allowed them to continue using it. However, now she began to regret her decision.

“Mother of me...I need to sift through these, and quickly!” Celestia picked up the first scroll and began reading. They started off rather innocuous, prayers before bed that were made by little fillies that made her smile and a few by Applejack wishing for good harvests.

However, not all were like this.

Celestia was halfway through the pile when she lifted yet another scroll, this one dripping wet. Glad that she was using her magic and not her hooves, she unfurled the scroll and read it.

Dear Celestia,

Why does it have to be so big? Why hasn’t it bottomed out yet? It’s still moving… oh Celestia it’s so big! Now it’s moving back and forth… if it keeps up like this, I’m gonna…

Celestia’s cheeks burned brighter than the sun as she lit it on fire and tossed it to the ground. Eventually, the scroll rolled a bit too close to the other scrolls and the entire pile caught fire. Celestia’s eyes went wide as she galloped up to the pile. She started stamping them out in a manner that was similar to exorcising a demon from the pits of Tartarus itself.

After she salvaged what she could, she picked up another scroll, this one with an odd scent that made her nose wrinkle.

Dear Celestia,

Why do my flanks itch so bad? I thought it was a rash but I didn’t sit on anything out of the ordinary recently. The past few days there’s been some kind of uncomfortable burning and every time I see a stallion I just want to…

Celestia gagged as she ripped up the scroll, then she tossed it aside. She settled for cutting her losses as she burnt the entire pile and headed out as she started her daily routine.

However, the torment didn’t end there.

Nope.

Not by a long shot.

As Celestia stepped into the Grand Hall to meet with several important dignitaries, another scroll faded into existence with a loud pop. Celestia dreaded opening it to read it, however her curiosity overcame her dread. Praying that it was a normal letter, she opened it up, then hesitantly glanced at it.

Dear Celestia,

These cravings are insane! First I ate my socks, then I ate my hair, then I nearly ate my coltfriend’s d--

Celestia instantly threw the scroll across the room, one eye twitching as she did so. “Dear me; I can’t take this anymore! The first ones were cute, endearing even, but now it seems like I’m getting those blasted scrolls from everypony and their mother!”

Almost as if on cue, another scroll popped into existence, however this scroll was blank. Holding it upside down, Celestia could make out the words ‘I just don’t know what went wrong,’ hastily scribbled along the scroll in bright white ink.

Celestia had had enough.

“After this meeting, I am going to have to sit down and figure out how to solve this. I can’t take it anymore!” Celestia said as the dignitaries filed in to take their seats.

After the meeting, Celestia paced back and forth in her throne room, her forehead knitted and her brows furrowed. “No, the dungeons are too severe a punishment...” Celestia said as she continued to pace, one eye twitching in repressed aggravation. “Aha! I got it! Why not, as the young ponies say, fight fire with fire? If they want to send me scrolls like this… I can send some back!”

Celestia raised a quill and a scroll to begin writing when a realization dawned on her. “Wait… none of them were signed! How will I know who to send them to? Oh well… I suppose one of them will have a signature on it… eventually.”

After hours of perusing as many scrolls as she could bear, she found that none of them had a signature on them, which made Celestia’s eye twitch. Celestia began pacing around the room once more as she fluffed her wings out of sheer frustration. Her royal guards attempted to assist her in tracking down the owner of the scrolls, but none of the residents they interviewed stated they sent any scrolls in the past few days.

Celestia, when she heard the news, screamed in frustration.

But only in private.

Where none could hear her, or so she thought.

Meanwhile, in her own room, Princess Luna couldn’t stop giggling like a little filly. “Oh, it is particularly naughty how much I love to torment thee, sister!” she said with glee as she wrote up another scroll. This time, she dunked it in the worst smelling liquid known to ponykind:

Skunk juice.

As another scream echoed from Celestia’s tower, Luna could only laugh for a few moments before she started to struggle to breath. She secretly hoped that Celestia would not find out she was the one sending those scrolls. After all, why would she want to ruin such a good thing she had going? “Thy screams are music to my ears, sister!” she yelled out, knowing Celestia wouldn’t hear her over her screaming fits.

Luna laughed maniacally as she sent off another scroll. “That one was for not saving me some pancakes this morning!” She scribbled out another message and sent it off. “And that one’s for eating all of my birthday cake last month!” Her giggles of mirth were punctuated by another scream echoing from Celestia’s tower, though instead of laughing more, her smile faltered. “Have I gone on long enough?” she asked herself, rubbing her chin with a hoof. “Perhaps I should tell her that it was me all along... I’d hate to be in her situation and not know who was sending me so much unsolicited letters, so... hm...”

Luna pulled out another blank scroll and spoke as she wrote, “Dearest sister, while I have had my fun, I believe it is time to reveal who was behind it all. You should never have eaten my fair share of the pancakes this morning, and I hope that you have learned your little lesson here.” She read it twice to make sure that it was exactly what she wanted to say, then she sent it to her sister’s bedroom.

A couple of seconds later, Luna heard the distinct sound of wings flapping, then she saw her sister land on her balcony. Feigning a yawn, she opened the balcony door just in time for Celestia to gallop inside, heavy bags under her eyes.

“Mother of me! These blasted scrolls are never-ending; somepony keeps sending me them nearly every minute, and none of them are signed! Luna, I beg of you, search the dreams of everypony you come across tonight! I need to know who’s sending those scrolls! I need a name!”

“I, uh...” Luna cleared her throat. “Calm down, Celestia!” She struggled to stifle a giggle at her sister’s appearance. “Worry not, for I shall search every dream I come across for your secret sender. You have my word!”

“Thank you. I pray that you are able to help me solve this!”

“Oh, I’m sure the answer is in plain sight,” Luna said with a short laugh.

“Hm... perhaps. All I know is that when I find out who it was, I’m going to shave off all their fur.”