The Cult Of Spike

by deadpansnarker

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Slice of Life
Length: 1476

When Twilight is briefly detained in the episode 'Marks For Effort', Spike is left alone to supervise her class. But his methods of teaching are... different, to say the least.

When Twilight is briefly detained in the episode 'Marks For Effort', Spike is left alone to supervise her class. But his methods of teaching are... different, to say the least.

Based on a short scene in the latest episode, written on a suggestion by FamousLastWords

Published 2018-06-03 12:30:06 UTC
Last updated 2018-06-03 12:30:06 UTC

Good Morning Mr Spike

As Twilight left the classroom to question the Crusaders further about their intrusion that day, Spike turned to face the students he'd temporarily been left in charge of. "So class, if you'd like to tell me what you were talking about before, then we can resume our learning experience."

A blue stallion in the front looked around questionably at his peers, before returning to answer his new educator. "U-Um Sir, if you don't mind me saying so, you were here for that portion of the lesson. We were finding out the history of Chancellor Puddinghead..."

"No, you weren't." Spike replied in a calm, collected voice. "You were hearing all about the early years of Spike The Dragon."

Thinking that perhaps this was some kind of surreal joke, a ripple of laughter echoed throughout the class. It was nice to have a bit of levity sometimes, even in the middle of a hard school day.

The only one who appeared not to get the punchline though, was the teacher himself.

"I fail to see what is so amusing about discovering stuff about one of the most significant figures of our time." Spike huffed irritably, as the class's chuckling began dying down upon seeing his reaction. "This great drake rescued the Crystal Empire from the foul talons of King Sombre. He has saved Princess Twilight Sparkle's hide on numerous occasions. He is the greatest connoisseur of rare gems ever outside the Dragon Lands. He has read every single comic book in the Mane-iac series, including the super rare holographic editions. I'd say such an illustrious figure is worth celebrating, wouldn't you?"

Humour had quickly turned to confusion among the students, with one pink mare finally being brave enough to put her hoof up. "S-Sir? I have a question."

"Hmph! Yes?" Spike rolled his eyes, and responded as if answering such trivialities was beneath him.

"T-This test is all about Chancellor Puddinghead. I-If we're supposed to be learning about you, h-how does that fit into the curriculum..."

"Well, we must've got the wrong exam from the company, wouldn't you say? After all, why would we need to find out about some fool who couldn't even tell the difference between up or down and tried to read maps with holes in them, when you have a living legend in your midst?"

"B-But S-Sir..."

"No ifs, no buts, no coconuts! Now if you'd all like to pass your erroneous papers to the front, I can now demonstrate the best way of dealing with unimportant information."

"W-Whatever you say, Sir."

"Please, 'Sir' sounds so informal. Just think of me as 'Mr. Spike'. Your buddy, your pal. Your teacher, your master."

"Ulp! Y-Yes, S-Si... I-I mean, yes Mr. Spike!"

Once the entire student body had collected together their sheets of A4 and passed them all over to Mr Spike, that's when things really began to heat up. Quite literally.

Without any further warning, he screwed them up into a giant ball, tossed them into a nearby trash bin and set them alight with his green nostril flames.

Waiting until the papers were little more than a hunk of smoking ash, he then kindly demonstrated the proper use of a fire extinguisher, before settling back down to his place at the head of the class again.

"Now let's see: what were we talking about again? Something very important..." Mr. Spike seemed to ponder for a few moments, before the answer came to him in a flash. "Oh, that's right... me. Give me just a few minutes class, and I'll put together a brand new set of questions about a far worthier historical figure that's been shamefully neglected until now."

With those words, Mr. Spike quickly got busy with his inky quill, his much in-demand secretarial skills coming in handy when it came to quickly drawing up a new worksheet for each befuddled pupil.

"Now then, here we go..." Mr. Spike had finally finished his assigned task, and proudly distributed his new set of papers onto everypony's desk, all whilst airborne.

"Remember if you have any questions, don't hesitate to call on me. In the meantime, I'm sure you won't mind if Mr. Spike gets some well-deserved shuteye. He works like a Diamond Dog all day, and the hours are long and hard. Oh, what a life!"

As Mr Spike's eyelids began to grow heavy though, his rest period was not destined to last for long. For no sooner had he began to recline in his plush chair, a chorus of voices took him up on his earlier offer, drowning out the calm relaxation he was trying to feel.

"M-Mr. Spike! How are we supposed to know how many scales you have on your forehead?"

"M-Mr. Spike! Where can we look up the exact time you were hatched?"

"M-Mr. Spike! I'm confused... who fell deeply in love with you first? Rarity, or Ember?"

"Silence!!" As everyone with any common sense knows, the second most dangerous thing you can do to a dragon after stealing their treasure, is interrupt their nap. And considering Mr. Spike hadn't even began to nod off yet, this was doubly true.

"Don't you ponies know anything?!" Mr. Spike said with a pronounced growl, as he picked himself up to flutter above his bemused class once more. "Just remember the words of the Official Spike Anthem, all the answers are found in there. Geez, do I have to do everything around here?!"

Just when Mr. Spike thought the students couldn't get any more clueless, they went and surpassed his worse expectations yet again, as a noticeably jittery yellow mare stood up in the second row. "B-But, I've never heard of such a tune!" Judging from the unanimous nods from her classmates not brave enough to stand alongside her, she wasn't the only one.

If Mr Spike could've facepalmed there and then he would've done, but now he was officially on the payroll as a member of staff he had to maintain a certain level of decorum, so he wisely resisted the urge. Besides, those claws were sharp.

"Well, that's just typical, isn't it? I send out an express letter to all classes which clearly stated that the learning of my theme song was mandatory, and to be treated with the same level of reverence as Celestia's dirge that plays out wherever she sets one hoof in a foreign nation. But I suppose it's too much to expect for a simple message to be acted on these days, isn't it? I suppose the same principal applies to the purple and green uniforms I wanted everyone to wear. Very well then: I guess I have no other choice. I shall now recite the full ten verses of my lyrical masterpiece, and you shall all sing along with me. Extra credit for the ponies who shout my name the loudest during the inspirational chorus. Are you ready, then? Let's go!!"

With seemingly no other option available to them, and with a pronounced shrug of the shoulders, each young equine inside the classroom that day took up the challenge of trying to make the most asinine words ever sound almost regal.

Meanwhile, Mr. Spike hovered above them to handle his role as conductor of this mini operetta. Naturally.
..........................................................
"Spike, he is an amazing dragon
He can easily pull a wagon
Or lift an ogre by his toe
He's mine and yours favourite bro
When the chips are down
He'll be around
And knock those bad guys to the ground
That scaly skin
That awesome chin
How does he manage to stay so thin?
He might be short but he has heart
He always manages to play his part.
One of these days he'll learn to fly
And soar up into the sky so high (this part needed to be updated)
He's just an all-round great guy
And that I say to you is why..."

CHORUS:
Spike Spike Spike Spike
We like like like like
Spike Spike Spike Spike
We like like like like...

.................................................

Unfortunately, this is just about when that grouchy ol' spoilsport Twilight Sparkle came back in, and put a premature end to Spike's fledgling career as a teacher, relegating him once more to 'fetch me supplies as I need them' guy.

Still, as soon as she left the classroom again someday for some unexplained reason, he was sure Mr. Spike would return to make his triumphant comeback appearance!

He might even get as far as the second verse next time! It has a whole section devoted to how minty fresh his breath is, and the secrets of his dedicated workout routine to stay buff. The world must hear it!

Author's Note

I had a free Sunday, so here's another random fic for you all. That's it for today, time for lunch. Sandwiches, go figure. :facehoof: