Homer in Equestria: The Less Than Epic Saga

Chapters

The Nature of the Beast
Exposition, Recollection, and Copious Screaming
Sugary Sweet
To Sleep Perchance to Dream
Village? Idiot. Idiot? Village
On the subject of Nudity
Single Working Alicorn
Even MORE Exposition
The Natives are Restless AND Adorable
Night Time Reflection
Admit it, you were waiting for 'Him' to show up
Homer+Rainbow Dash=?
Beauty and the Beast(s)
Treehouse of Horror Episode 4: Homer Strikes Back (the title will make sense eventually I swear)
Will They or Won't They?
It should NEVER take this long to write an Applejack chapter
(Semi) Mad Science and an Unexpected Crossover
(Canoptional) Homer to the Rescue! Wait really?
The Beginnings of a Sweet Scheme
A Less Than Stellar Introduction
It's not a Proper Simpsons Crossover Until Homer Gets Hurt

The Nature of the Beast

By Barry the Brony

Contrary to popular belief, despite the near total destruction of the Golden Oak Library at the hands of Tirek, not all of Twilight Sparkle’s possessions had been destroyed by the power mad centaur...minotaur...ape...thingie. Along with the tree roots that now dominated the chamber of her castle housing the Cutie Mark Map, a few underground chambers deep in the earth had been spared the brunt of the blast that had leveled her original home.

As a result, some of Twilight’s original equipment from her early days of study upon first moving to Ponyville had only sustained superficial or partial damage. Right now the one that held her full attention was the curious gadget that looked for all the world like a straining bowl decorated with Christmas tree lights. It, along with several other devices, had been used in an ill fated attempt to discern the true nature of Pinkie’s Pinkie Sense.

Wiping a bit of dust and soot from it as she hefted it out of a box, the little Alicorn gave a sad smile at the memories that came with it. Save for a few items like this, almost nothing of those first few years in Ponyville had survived, and the long healed over wound in her heart at the loss of the library was given a fresh jab.

But taking a deep breath, she moved on to what would hopefully be a far more optimistic task: learning more about the unusual creature that had dropped right out of the sky and into her life. Pinkie Pie had already run off to gather the rest of their friends while she had taken the creature back to the castle for further analysis.

The helmet was only one of several complicated machines (for a given value of the word, in Equestria most of what could be considered technology either ran at least partially on magic or base sources of fuel like coal or steam) surrounding the bed on which the mysterious biped now lay unconscious.

Fitting it over his head (a few preliminary pokes and prods with a now thoroughly sanitized measuring stick had confirmed enough physical traits to identify the creature as a male) Twilight trotted over to what looked like the lovechild of a short wave radio and a jukebox.

“Alright, time to get started. As long as he’s asleep, I might as well see if I can get a preliminary reading on his cognitive function, if he speaks Equis it’s possible his brain doesn’t operate that differently from ours.”

Her horn lit up as the machinery around her hummed to life, the lights on the helmet fitted over the creature’s head going on and off in a complicated sequence. Putting on a pair of headphones plugged into the machine, Twilight used her hoof to slowly turn the radio dial. Immediately a sharp hiss of static went off in her ears making her wince.

It would be wrong to say the machine she was using directly read someone’s mind, rather it sampled some of that person’s general thought patterns, selecting what seemed to take up the majority of their subconscious’ interest. She started to turn the dial this way and that, listening intently as she caught bits and pieces of whatever was going through the creature’s head at the moment even while unconscious.

“Mmmmm….insert name of foodstuff here….” This was followed by a sound that Twilight could best describe as someone salivating and gargling on said saliva simultaneously. Glancing back at the creature’s noticeable gut, she wasn’t surprised to find his appetite ran deep into his psyche.

Another turn.

“I love you Marge, and not just because you know how I like my bacon fried in fatback” This made her smile, but also curious as she didn’t immediately recognize either of the words ‘bacon’ or ‘fatback’. This would require further enquiry.

A turn in the opposite direction but only halfway. This time the volume from the headphones made her cringe.

“BART! HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU NOT TO SPIKE MY BEER WITH….AAAAAAH! THE COUCH IS TURNING INTO SNAKES, OH GOD THEY’RE EVERYWHERE, HELP! POLICE! SUPERMAN! CHUCK NORRIS!!!”

Twilight blanched and quickly turned the dial a few times for good measure. That last one sounded like something she really didn’t want to know the specifics about, though she felt a touch of pity for a fellow Ophidiophobe.

This time what came over the headphones sounded like the creature was...singing?

I told the witch doctor I was in love with you

And then the witch doctor he told me what to do

He said that

Ooo eee ooo ah ah ting tang walla walla bing bang

Ooo eee ooo ah ah ting tang walla walla bing bang!

Twilight had to admit it was catchy. Closing her eyes she started bobbing her head along with the song, joining in halfway through the second chorus line. In a matter of seconds she was bouncing on her hooves.

She was so focused on the song she didn’t realize she was no longer alone in the room with her ‘subject’ until she felt someone tap her on the flank. Screeching like an alley cat, she launched herself straight up off the ground, now dangling from a chandelier hanging from the ceiling as she looked down.

Standing underneath her was Pinkie Pie, along with the rest of her friends. Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Applejack and Fluttershy were all standing under the chandelier and peering up at the princess with mixtures of amusement and puzzlement.

“Heh, sorry Twi, we didn’t realize how much you were wrapped up in your ‘experiments’” Rainbow Dash teased as she hovered a few feet off the ground so the rainbow maned pegasus was nose to nose with Twilight. “Looks like your rhythm’s getting better though, that’s definitely worth bringing us over to see!”

Twilight’s cheeks burned at the reminder that her dancing, while definitely passionate, occasionally lacked in certain areas like spacial awareness, coordination and anything resembling restraint.

“I think it has more to do with this big fella then a few new dance moves Rainbow Dash,” The gentle drawl of the orange Earth Pony bearing the mantle of the Element of Honesty drew their attention to where she and the others were already crowding around the bed where the creature lay.

“Awww, this is it? When Pinkie Pie came hollering about a monster that fell out of the sky, I was hoping for something a little more...scary?” Rainbow Dash looked the beast over with obvious disappointment at being denied a chance to trade blows with some unspeakable behemoth from beyond the stars.

“Now really Rainbow Dash, I for one would love to have at least a week go by in Ponyville without some form of monstrosity rampaging through town, the last time we had a monster attack my latest order of dresses was dissolved in acid.”

Rarity, the snow white Unicorn representing the Element of Generosity, had a small frown on her face as she pulled out her designer glasses and slipped them on as she peered at the creature’s attire.

“Personally though I find this creature’s wardrobe to be sufficiently terrifying, I mean really, blue jeans and a white t-shirt? Drab doesn’t begin to describe it! Ooh, but these are interesting, did anybody notice these odd things wrapped around his feet?”

“Uhm...is it okay Twilight?” Hovering over the creature’s head, the last member of the little troupe looked down her face full of concern. Fluttershy, the cream colored pegasus who bore embodied the Element of Kindness, only seemed to have eyes for the trace of a scream still plastered on the creature’s face.

“Oh he’ll be fine Fluttershy,” Twilight assured her before noticing the others glance at her in surprise at her identification of his gender. “I made some initial observations and from what I can tell what we have here appears to be a male of whatever species he belongs to.”

“I can’t say I’ve ever seen anything like him in any of my books,” Fluttershy admitted as she landed and walked around the bed slowly, looking at the creature from a few different angles. “I almost want to say he looks like a species of ape, but the number of fingers is off.”

“My thoughts exactly,” Twilight nodded. “It’s possible we’re looking at either a mutation, or a completely unknown species of humanoid related to the ape family. Of course the fact he dropped out of the sky suggests he’s not from anywhere around here.”

“Is that why his face is like that?” Rainbow Dash asked pointing to the horrified expression still on the creature’s face.

“Actually, that was kind of my fault,” Pinkie, who had been uncharacteristically quiet the entire conversation, finally spoke up looking down with a bit of red in her cheeks. “I got so excited at the idea of making a new friend I sort of, well…”

“He got the full Pinkie Pie Experience in a little under ten seconds.” Twilight said in a deadpan tone. The rest of the girls looked at each other with looks of understanding. You never forgot your first meeting with Pinkie Pie, ever.

“That’s why I made a quick stop to Sugarcube Corner on the way over to pick up some cupcakes. I thought maybe a snack would be a good way to say I’m sorry.” Pinkie Pie said rubbing her foreleg with her other one.

Giving her friend a soft smile, Twilight teleported over to Pinkie’s side and nuzzled her. “It’s okay Pinkie, we know you just wanted to make him feel welcome. But when he wakes up try not to spook him again okay?”

It took all of three seconds for the petite pink party pony to perk right up again. “Okie dokie lokie!”

“Speaking of snacks,” Applejack interrupted looking down at the creature with a tilt of her head. “Any idea what this fella actually eats? Something this big’s probably gonna need some serious vittles.”

“Actually, I noticed that his teeth have attributes pertaining to both carnivores and herbivores, so it’s likely his diet covers a wide range of items for the sake of variety.” Twilight explained.

“Whoa hold up, are you saying this thing’s a predator?” Rainbow Dash asked with a mixture of disbelief and some concern. Sure the creature didn’t look like much now, but considering they only came up to his waistline, it did make her uneasy to think he might view them as food.

“Well actually, what Twilight is describing is called an omnivore, like my bear,” Fluttershy said. “They technically need to eat both plant and animal life to survive, but with the right protein substitutes, it’s perfectly possible for such a creature to live comfortably without ever having to hunt another living creature. Though they do enjoy red meat on occasion, something like fish would work just fine instead.”

There was a significant pause as the rest of her friends looked at Fluttershy as though they were only just remembering that the cream colored Pegasus, often scared of her own shadow, likely had enough encyclopedic knowledge on wildlife that she could have published a twelve volume bestiary in her sleep.

“Anybody else find it a little weird when she suddenly goes from hardly speaking a word to full blown egghead mode like Twilight?” Rainbow Dash whispered out of the corner of her mouth to Rarity, who merely gave a shrug.

A low groan from behind them made everypony whirl around and watch as the creature seemed to be coming to. “Ughh...what happened...last thing I remember was something pink and poofy screaming in my face.”

Sitting up, Homer reached up to rub his aching head, only to just now notice the helmet strapped to his head. “What the...hey what is all this stuff?” The sound of someone clearing their throat drew his attention as he looked down and finally noticed the six tiny creatures surrounding him.

“Greetings and salutations!” Twilight chirped flashing him her biggest and friendliest smile. It was an admirable effort to start things on the right track, but the little Alicorn had yet to face her greatest challenge yet: the unplumbed depths of both human paranoia and human stupidity.

“OH MY GOD! TINY SPACE HORSES ARE EXPERIMENTING ON ME!! DON’T PROBE MY ASS!”

“Wait what?!”

One could only imagine the girls’ utter bafflement as Homer tugged off the helmet, tossed it aside, and then grabbed all the blankets, pulling them over himself and turning him into a quivering lump on the bed.

“...Twilight I’m not saying this to be rude, but are you absolutely sure this required all six of us? I’m not seeing much here that constitutes a threat per say, and I do have a full workload today.” Rarity said leaning in and giving the lump a light prod, prompting a whimper.

“I’m thinkin’ this one might have hit his head a bit harder on the way down then you thought Twi,” Applejack said reaching under her Stetson to scratch her head. “Just what in the hay is he so afraid of anyway?”

To her surprise there was a loud snort from under the blankets. “Pfft, oh please, you think I was born yesterday lady? As soon as your done experimenting on me, you’re probably either gonna eat me or plug me back into the Matrix so you can run your civilization off my body heat for energy. I got plenty of reasons to be afraid right now.”

All six ponies went quiet as they tried to digest this fascinatingly idiotic theory based on little to no actual evidence before Rainbow Dash voiced her concerns appropriately.

“Okay that is, hooves down, the dumbest thing I have ever heard in my life. And I once had to talk Scootaloo out of trying to get her Cutie Mark in juggling chainsaws on fire. I mean I love that kid, I’d do just about anything for her, but wow does she need a little more sense of self preservation.”

“And really, body heat as a fuel source? Body heat is a side effect of our bodies metabolizing fuel, not an energy in and of itself. You’d be better off burning the glucose itself then trying to gather up enough ponies in one place to generate even a fraction of the energy it would take to run a society.” Twilight said frowning as she started to pace.

“Uh-oh, he pressed the egghead button,” Rainbow Dash whispered to Fluttershy as Twilight started speaking in an increasingly animate way.

“He shouldn’t have done that.” Fluttershy added giving a sage nod.

“And furthermore, that’s not even going into the time and effort it would take to not only keep all those ponies fed and supplied with nutrients for the rest of their natural lives, how are you going to keep them all from breaking out at the first opportunity? Put them all to sleep so their bodies wither away from complete atrophy?! That’s just shoddy planning!” Twilight said her wings snapping out indignantly before she noticed the other five ponies in the room staring at her.

“Ahem, and of course it would be unethical to hold living beings captive against their will en masse for the sake of a fuel source on general principle.” She added quickly. Before anyone could comment a terrifying rumbling growl ran through the room.

“What the hay was that?” Applejack demanded looking around for the source of the noise as it came again.

“Wait...hold on...sounds like…” Pinkie Pie gasped and pointed at the lump of bed sheets. “A rumbly tumbly!”

“Excuse me, but are you hungry by any chance?” Twilight asked as she gave a gentle nudge to the lump only to prompt a bit of squirming away from her and another whimper.

Fluttershy hummed in thought as she watched, the scene triggering nearly every one of her caregiver’s instincts. “Applejack do you have any of those biscuits you give Winona?” She whispered.

“I might have one or two squirreled away, what’cha thinking sugarcube?” Applejack whispered back.

“Just let me have one, I think I know what to do.”

Applejack gave the cream colored pegasus an odd look, but she pulled off her Stetson and rummaged around in it before pulling out a dog biscuit.

Taking it, Fluttershy gently put a hoof on Twilight to step back from the bed as she walked up to it. “Hello there, would you like something to nibble on little guy? It’s okay, you don’t have to come out, I just want to know if your hungry.”

The lump shifted on the bed and slowly turned reminding them of a turtle before a single eye poked out at her. “Maybe,”

“I thought so, you’ve had a very stressful day, and I just know how much of an appetite that can work up. Here, doesn’t this look good?” She wagged the dog biscuit and the eye followed it back and forth.

Slowly, very slowly, a four fingered hand began to inch out under the covers and then quick as a flash, grabbed the biscuit and vanished back into the imaginary safety of Fort Blankie. A second later there was the sound of crunching and chewing.

“Mmmmm….high fiber….”

Twilight started to say something before Fluttershy held up a hoof and made a motion for her to keep quiet. A minute passed before the blankets lifted up and the eye appeared once more, looking at each of them warily.

Fluttershy very gently put a hoof on the lump and began to rub in a circle. “It’s alright, we’re not going to hurt you. We just want to talk that’s all. You really gave us all a fright, we want to make sure you’re okay.”

“...You’re not going to eat my brains?”

“Mmm-mmm,”

“Or lay your parasitic larvae down my throat?”

“Mmm-mmm,”

“You’re not gonna force me to breed to create a slave race?”

“Nope,”

“Good...good because, you know, I’m married.”

“Oh that’s wonderful, why don’t you tell me a little about your, um, partner?” She shrugged at the others, not entirely sure what marriage was like where he came from.

The lump shifted and gave a soft sigh. “Her name is Marge, and she’s the most wonderful person in the world. She doesn’t care if I’m fat, or dumb, or criminally negligent as a parent, she looks at me and she sees someone worth spending the rest of her life with.”

Everyone’s eyes began to widen as they listened while a smile began to grow on Fluttershy’s face. “And what else about her can you tell me?”

“Where do I even begin? She snuggles up with me on the couch when I’ve had a bad day, she dry cleans my underwear so it’s nice and warm when I first put it on, and no matter how badly I screw up she’s always there for me ready to listen and tell me it's gonna be okay. I can’t imagine my life without her.”

“Oh sweet Celestia that’s beautiful,” Rarity gushed, hooves to her face her eyes huge and watery as her inner romantic marveled at what sounded like nothing less then true honest love.

“Except for the underwear pa-MMPH!” Applejack took one look at the hoof in her mouth and then at the poisonous look the white unicorn was giving her and wisely shut up.

“And where’s your wife now?” Fluttershy asked.

There was a sniffle from under the blankets. “I don’t know...I don’t know where I am or even if there’s a way to get back to her and the kids. I’m scared…”

Fluttershy looked like she was blinking back a few tears of her own but she soldiered through and lifted up a corner of the blanket to look at the misty eyed creature. “What’s your name?”

“Homer…”

“Well Homer, if you’ll let us, we swear we’re going to do everything we can to get you back to your family.”

Homer’s voice broke a little. “Promise?”

One by one, all six ponies walked over and put their hooves on the lump reciting from the heart their lands most binding and sacred oath. “Cross my heart, and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.”

Sitting up, Homer pulled off the blankets, and what they saw wasn’t a monster or an animal, but a very scared very vulnerable man who needed friends he could count on right now more than anything in the world.

Meanwhile, Pinkie had been holding in the urge to come to Homer’s side and comfort him to the point she had spent the last two minutes quietly vibrating with pent up energy. Finally when she saw that first small smile creep over his face something finally snapped.

“INCOMING HUG!!!”

“What the-WOOMPH!” Was all Homer managed to get out before a pink cannonball launched into him, knocking him clean off the bed as Pinkie wrapped around him like an anaconda. The others shrugged before they promptly joined in and soon Homer found himself subjected to the biggest group hug of his life.

It was a wonderful moment of trust and camaraderie, which made it all the more annoying when it was interrupted by a certain purple dragon walking in. “Hey Twilight is everything okay? I thought I heard voices down...here…”

Popping out from behind the bed, Homer and Spike locked eyes while Twilight’s own widened. ‘Oh please tell me they’re not going to-’

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! OGRE!”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! DILOPHOSAURUS!!”

This exchange was followed by the sound of a panicking dragon and an equally panicking human barricading both sides of the same door with everything that wasn’t nailed down while a purple Alicorn wondered how many dog biscuits it was going to take this time.

Author's Note

Bet you didn't think I'd update this fast did you? I can't promise it's always going to be this soon to be fair, the Super Nintendo Classic downstairs is demanding I play more games even now, but I'm overjoyed at the attention this story has gotten so far and I hope to provide everyone with a funny but also legitimately touching story.

Oh, and in case anyone noticed and felt like asking, yes I am aware how odd it is that Homer's first reaction to meeting the girls is terror, but need I remind everyone this is the same man who took one look at himself in the mirror while making a scary face and screamed until he lost consciousness? Homer is many things, but an unyielding stalwart bastion of courage he is not :twilightsheepish:

Exposition, Recollection, and Copious Screaming

Homer in Equestria: The Less Than Epic Saga

By Barry the Brony

After a round of explanations, assurances and the occasional belly rub to either male, things had quieted down once more to the point that Spike and Homer were now reasonably sure neither of them was a threat to the other.

Having moved things to one of the guest rooms in the castle, Homer, Spike and the girls now all sat together in a semi circle of couches pushed together as Twilight went around and began to make a proper introduction for everyone.

“Alright, before we go any further and to avoid anymore...incidents,” She gave a firm but gentle look at Homer and Spike who weren’t quite ready to meet one another’s gaze just yet. “It occurs to me that not everyone here is familiar with everyone else so let’s take a moment to have everyone introduce themselves.”

“I’m Twilight Sparkle, this is Applejack and Rarity over here.” She gestured to her right where the orange earth pony tipped her hat and the white unicorn inclined her head with a smile.

“Over here we have Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash,” The cream colored pegasus gave a very shy smile, obviously resisting the urge to hide in her mane while Rainbow Dash threw Homer a casual salute with a hoof.

“Pinkie Pie is, well, the one in your lap Homer.” Twilight tilted her head at how the little pink party pony was sprawled out over Homer’s lap on her stomach like a cat as he rubbed her back.

“What? You girls got to try these ‘hand’ things they’re super duper good at getting that itch you can’t reach! Oooh speaking of which just a liiiiiitle to the left aaand there!” She laid down her head and gave a dreamy sigh as Homer seemed to find the sweet spot.

“Um, right. And last but not least, my Number One Assistant Spike.” She gave the little dragon a warm smile he instantly returned.

“So….you’re a dragon?” Homer asked giving him a puzzled look.

“Last time I checked.” Spike said arching an eyebrow.

“But I thought dragons were really big, had wings and were voiced by Benedict Cumberbatch.”

Spike’s eyebrow lifted a little higher. “Okay, one I’m a baby dragon, well technically I’m about 12 but by dragon standards I’m still an infant. Two, see the previously mentioned statement about me being a baby, our wings don’t start developing for a while. And three, I honestly have no idea who that is.”

Homer shook his head and clucked his tongue. “You poor sheltered creature…”

Spike’s expression went flat. “Okay are you guys absolutely sure he’s safe to be around? I can hardly understand him half the time and the other half makes him sound like he’s got a screw loose.”

“Yes Spike, honestly it’s been harder for us to convince Homer we’re not a threat to him then vice versa.” Twilight explained. “He’d be hard pressed to find anypony who would legitimately want to hurt somepony else, let alone be capable of it with some exceptions.”

“Yeah we’re totally harmless! Well aside from the pegasus who can fly fast enough to break the sound barrier, or the unicorns who can cast all kinds of fancy spells, aaaand earth ponies like me who can crush rocks five times our size into much much smaller rocks with our bare hooves.” Pinkie Pie rattled off.

Homer let out a low whistle. “Man, horses can’t do that sort of stuff where I come from, usually they just walk and take a dump at the same time or get ridden by midgets in tight pants.”

By the looks of it, each of the girls (and Spike) looked like they had their own problems with this, but Twilight was the first to speak. “Um, Homer you seem to be confused about something. Horses are native to Saddle Arabia and the surrounding areas, the proper term to describe our species would be ponies.”

“Ponies? Wait a minute…” In the cavernous recesses of Homer’s head, Lisa’s voice began playing on a loop as the word triggered a cascade of memories going as far back as when his eldest daughter had first started talking.

‘Dad can I have a pony? Dad can I have a pony? Dad can I have a pony? Dad can I have a pony?DadcanIhaveapony?DadcanIhaveapony?DadcanIhaveapony?DadcanIhaveapony?DadcanIhaveapony?DadcanIhavea-

“PONY!” He suddenly hollered scaring the hell out of just about everyone else in the room. “Oh my god you’re ponies! Listen, I know this is gonna sound weird, but could I adopt one or more of you? My daughter would love me until the end of time!”

The girls (and Spike) just stared at Homer as if he had just sprouted an extra head. Well most of them did anyway. “Oooh, well I have always wondered what it would be like to be a pet...” Fluttershy mused as her tail started to swish around like an excited puppy.

“But Fluttershy what about your animals? Or us? And do I even want to remind of how out of control Discord would be without you holding the le-ahem, I mean, gently reminding him of the magic of friendship?” Rarity quickly corrected herself with a small blush.

Fluttershy looked up at the ceiling in thought before she gave a small frown. “Oh, you’re right, I’m sorry Homer but I’m afraid I can’t afford to leave here, I hope you understand.” The other girls echoed her sentiments, each having friends and family of their own.

“It’s okay, it was kind of a long shot anyway,” Homer said leaning back in his seat a little disappointed. Then he thought of something. “Hey wait, you guys have magic right? Would it be possible to, I dunno make a few copies of one of you?”

“Well actually there is-”

“PINKIE FOR THE LOVE OF CELESTIA ON HIGH, DO NOT FINISH THAT SENTENCE!” Twilight screamed as all five of the other ponies (and Spike) were suddenly wearing identical expressions of sheer unbridled panic.

Pinkie Pie wisely zipped her mouth shut, quite literally in fact. “Mmmf mff-mff-mmmmhmmmfhmmmgh” She said apologetically to Homer giving him a helpless shrug.

“Wait whose Celestia?” Homer wondered.

“Princess Celestia is…” Twilight started to launch into the beginning of a well rehearsed lecture about the nature and background of one of the founding Alicorns of Equestria when she realized something. “Oh buck I completely forgot to send a letter to the Princess! Spike can you-”

“I’m on it Twilight!” Spike hopped off the couch and ran off to grab a scroll and a fresh quill while the Princess of Friendship sighed and started pacing.

“Well as long as we’re waiting for Spike to come back, we might as well recap on what we know about your situation Homer, luckily I came prepared.” Her horn glowed briefly as a chalkboard appeared in mid air surrounded by her magical aura as she got to work using a piece of chalk.

“Now then, you started out in your reality, which we’ll call universe ‘A’... yes Rainbow Dash?” Twilight glanced over at the rainbow colored pegasus who had her hoof in the air like a little kid trying to get the teacher’s attention.

“Hey how come his universe get’s to be ‘A’? Why can’t we be ‘A’ and he can be ‘B’”

“I dunno, this kind of feels like a ‘B’ universe to me, no offense.” Homer interjected before Twilight could point out how pointless this entire conversation was in the grand scheme of things.

“Okay, okay fine, we’ll call Homer’s dimension universe ‘A’ and our dimension can be, I dunno, universe ‘1’. Twilight offered hoping to get things back on track before the headache building behind her eyes started to get traction.

“Ooh! Or how about the Mongooses? That’s a cool team name, the Fighting Mongooses!” Rainbow said her wings giving a flap of excitement.

“IT’S NOT A SPORTS TEAM IT’S JUST A MEANS OF IDENTIFICATION RAINBOW DASH!” Twilight shouted hopping up and down on her hooves in adorable indignation before she cleared her throat. “Now as I was saying, Homer began in universe ‘A’ which is here.” She drew a crude chalk figure that, were you to squint hard enough, might bear a passing resemblance to Homer.

“You said while trying to get away from spending an evening with your sisters in law-”

“Patty and Selma, also known as the judgmental cancer trolls.”

“Um, right, while trying to get away from them, you stumbled onto another dimension parallel to your own,” She drew two squares and connected them by four lines forming a cube and drew an arrow leading from Homer into it. “After entering which, it then imploded a short time later.” She drew a large X over it.

“Yeah sorry, that was my bad.” Homer said looking down at his feet in embarrassment. He was no stranger to screwing things up but even for him the destruction of an entire plane of reality was raising the bar by quite a bit.

“Homer, if all it took for that dimension to start collapsing in on itself was having a pointy object penetrate the ground, I can’t imagine it would have had a long shelf life regardless of your actions.” Twilight said gently. “It was a miracle you made it out alive at all, and from the description you gave it was largely uninhabited to begin with.”

“Oh, except for those poor fish.” Fluttershy said sadly as Applejack took off her stetson and held it over her heart out of respect for the departed marine life.

“Now, as far as I can tell, when this intermediary dimension collapsed in on itself, it either opened a gateway to our universe in the process, or was already acting as a connecting point between universes ‘A’ and ‘1’ from the start.”

She then drew a few hastily scribbled figures meant to represent ponies while a screaming chalk figure of Homer fell towards them from above. “Which then caused you to appear in universe ‘1’ where we are now, following some...initial difficulties.”

“Thus the problem is simple, with the intermediary dimension more than likely destroyed, we’ll have to create a new gateway between these two dimensions so Homer can get back home. Unfortunately any knowledge pertaining to interdimensional travel is under lock and key in the Canterlot archives.”

“But darling, given that you’re, well, Princess Celestia’s student, don’t you already have access to those archives? I seem to recall you went through a great deal of fuss to try and break into the Star Swirl the Bearded section of the archives when you could have simply visited during the day.” Rarity pointed out.

“A-heh, right, the ‘Future Me/Present Me’ incident,” Twilight chuckled rubbing the back of her head sheepishly. “Yeah I could have handled that a little better in hindsight.”

“However to answer your question Rarity, while I do have clearance that most ponies don’t in terms of access to Celestia’s records, there are still some spells that only direct approval from her can allow somepony to even look at them, let alone research and experiment with.”

Before the conversation could continue Spike came running back, quill and scroll in hand. “All set Twilight!”

“Excellent, alright Spike take a letter,” Twilight cleared her throat and closed her eyes as she tried to gather her thoughts. “Dear Princess Celestia, a momentous event has occurred in Ponyville. A member of a previously unknown species of intelligent bipeds has found himself in Equestria either by chance or design, and is at the moment stranded with no immediate means to return home .”

“I humbly make a request to meet with you as soon as possible to better discuss the matter in person so that we may not only take the opportunity to learn more from this extraordinary event but also,” She paused and gave Homer a kind smile. “So that I may carry out my duties as the Princess of Friendship and do everything I can to help our newfound friend Homer. Sincerely, Princess Twilight Sparkle.”

When Spike had finished writing the letter, he drew in a breath and let out a loud belch as a burst of emerald fire consumed the scroll in seconds, the trailing wisps of magic floating out the window.

“Wait you can teleport things by setting them on fire? Why don’t we just do that with me and send me home that way?” Homer said before he noticed the looks everyone was giving him. “What?”

“Um, actually that only applies to dragonfire, and even then it only works with parchment specifically enchanted to travel to and from a set location established by either unicorn or Alicorn magic.” Twilight explained rubbing the back of her head.

“So, hypothetically if I were to say light myself on fire using the kid and, I dunno, click my heels together three times for good measure it would...”

“Oh, you’d wind up somewhere else alright, like the Burn Ward at Ponyville General.” Rainbow Dash said with a flat expression. She sympathized with Homer’s desire to get back home of course, but she was starting to see an alarming number of gaps in his thinking at any given time.

Pinkie unzipped her mouth again. “Why don’t we ask Discord? Remember when he threatened to send Tree Hugger to that alternate reality filled with sock puppets?”

“Sock puppets? Where? WHERE?!” Homer sat up in his chair and gave that odd birdlike scream again. “DON’T LET THEM GET ME!” Homer squealed, sending Pinkie Pie off his lap as he dove over the top of the couch with surprising speed. He then poked his head up only high enough to scan the room for any sign of those cold dead button eyes before ducking back down.

“Oh come on, this is like what, the third time he’s flipped out today? Seriously, he’s almost as bad as you used to be Fluttershy...wait where did Fluttershy go?” Rainbow Dash looked around after noticing her spot on the couch was suddenly vacant.

“A-a-are they gone now?” A meek little voice squeaked out from behind their own sofa, causing Rainbow Dash to put her face in her hooves. Perhaps she had spoken too soon.

“You two can come out, there are no sock puppets okay?” Twilight said resisting the urge to roll her eyes as Homer and Fluttershy both slowly emerged from hiding. “And as for Discord, I’ll admit I was curious myself as to the extent of his ability to open dimensional tears after the last Grand Galloping Gala.”

“Unfortunately when I pressed him about it with Fluttershy’s help, he admitted that any tears in reality he makes can only lead to completely random points in the multiverse. Even if he were to make a new tear it would be a total stab in the dark as to where it might lead. To try and manipulate where they go would be a fundamental violation of his nature as a spirit of chaos.”

“....I’m sorry what of a what now?” Homer was trying desperately to keep up with Twilight’s musings, but his brain was simply too used to tuning out the sound of intelligent conversation and replacing it with the noises made by the adults in The Peanut Gallery cartoons.

“Discord, spirit of chaos, looks like a walking jigsaw puzzle, can bend reality with a snap of his fingers, kind of an iffy grasp of the whole morality thing when Fluttershy’s not in the same room.” Spike quickly explained as he counted off on his claws.

Homer looked straight ahead as he tried to wrap his mind around this. “Oh-kay, before we go any further I’m pretty sure I’m going to need to start drinking for any of this to make sense. You guys have any Duff?”

The girls all looked at each other in confusion before Applejack spoke up. “What the hay is Duff?”

A sinking feeling began to form in Homer’s gut when he heard this. “You know, Duff, it’s a brand of beer...wait, you guys have beer here right? Right?”

“Uhh, we got apple cider.” Rainbow Dash offered.

“Hard cider or cider cider?”

“What’s hard cider?”

‘D’OH! Oh man, what am I gonna drink while I watch tv?”

There was an ominous silence as Homer looked up and noticed the same puzzled stare on every other face in the room. When they saw his pupils shrink as the reality of the situation hit him, they put their hooves (or claws in Spike’s case) to their ears just in time to take the edge off the loudest couple of screams yet.

“IT’S HELL! I’M IN HELL!! A CANDY COATED HELLSCAPE FROM WHICH THERE IS NO SOLACE! WHY GOD, WHY HAST THOU FORSAKEN ME?!?!?” He screamed with his fists raised to the heavens.

“Wow, he can do the Royal Canterlot Voice just like Princess Luna!” Pinkie Pie tilted her head as Homer collapsed on his side and began whimpering in a fetal position. “Though, I don’t think I’ve ever seen her do that before, is he okay?”

“For Celestia’s sake if it’s not one thing with this guy it’s another!” Applejack groaned with her hooves still over her ears. “Do we need some kind of manual to know what’s gonna set him off next Twi?”

“It’s probably just culture shock, I’ve read about the difficulty somepony can have when removed from their previous way of life into a new environment, though not always to this...intensity.” Twilight said as she trotted over and tried to console Homer as he rocked back and forth. “Homer, Homer? It’s going to be okay, take a deep breath.”

Her efforts achieved some partial success, as Homer began inhaling sharply through his nose his teeth visibly clenched in stress as he whined like a wounded dog. Halfway through his third inhalation though, his panicked expression froze as he began to sniff the air.

“Hey wait a minute...I smell cupcakes,” He sat up and started sniffing at the air with greater intensity before he gave a gasp of delight. “Apology cupcakes! And it’s coming from…” Before anyone could comment, he poked his nose into Pinkie Pie’s hair and took a deep whiff. “THERE!”

“Wow you’ve got a really good sniffer Homer, as it just so happens I made a fresh batch of chocolate cupcakes with chocolate icing, sprinkles and chips! I was in a chocolate mood when I made them,” Pinkie added seeing Twilight arch an eyebrow.

It took every last shred of self control Homer had to not start digging through the little pony’s mane (which was just as well, who knows what he might have found without her help in guiding him through the vast recesses of hammerspace that lay within). “Uhm, do you think maybe I could have one, please?”

Pinkie Pie’s smile was ear to ear. “Of course you can silly, I made them for you!” Homer let out a loud squeal of joy as a paper bag popped out of her mane with the sound of a cash register drawer opening. Reaching in Homer cradled the first cupcake in his hands before lifting it to his mouth. “Oh uh, but you might wanna brace yourself, the first bite’s always a bit-”

Homer was already chomping down on the frosted morsel, and as soon as the flavor registered-

The glorious symphony of Beethoven’s ‘Ode to Joy’ roared through his mind as he felt his spirit leave his mortal trappings and ascend to the heavens, becoming one with the infinite sugary cosmos and achieving true, everlasting bliss…

Meanwhile back on Equestria the other five ponies and one dragon exchanged worried looks at the sight of Homer sitting on his knees totally unresponsive, his pupils expanded to the point the whites of his eyes were nearly non existent. “Did Pinkie just break him with a cupcake?” Rainbow Dash asked as she gave him a gentle poke with her hoof.

“Oh he’s fine, like I tried to tell him the first bite is always a little intense,” Pinkie chirped before she hopped off the sofa and trotted over to where he was still sitting. “Oh Hooooomer, you back yet?”

Finally Homer swallowed audibly, still staring off into space. When he spoke his voice sounded far off and they could swear there were the beginnings of tears in his eyes. “...I can see the face of God…” He whispered.

“Awwww, well you go right ahead and help yourself, there’s plenty more where that came from!” Pinkie said beaming with joy. The word ‘more’ seemed to break Homer out of his trance as he tore open the bag and proceeded to devour every last cupcake with the ferocity of a starving wolf. Applejack had to actually put a hoof over Rarity’s eyes so she wouldn’t faint from the grisly ravaging of pastries before their eyes.

When the carnage was over and the floor was littered with discarded cupcake wrappers and shreds of the paper bag, Homer sat on the floor sucking off his fingers and giving a deep sigh of contentment. “Ahhhh, all is right with the world again. Pinkie what the hell did you put in those anyway that was incredible!”

“Just a little sugar, some chocolate, and a whoooooooooole lot of love!” Pinkie Pie said stretching her arms as wide as she could for emphasis. This was hardly a simplification, as given the power positive emotions had in Equestria, a select few such as Pinkie Pie and the Cakes could infuse whatever they baked with the simple joy and love for their craft. The finest gourmet treat from Earth would taste like kitty litter and tapioca by comparison.

“Mmmmmm….love…”

Twilight was nothing short of fascinated by Homer’s behavior, as much of a toll as it was on her hearing. ‘Interesting, he seems to be guided almost entirely by either impulse or outside stimuli with only an occasional prodding from whatever passes for his conscience. Plus now that we’ve established he has access to one apparent craving, his panic at being denied the first two seems greatly diminished.’

“Well there’s plenty more where that came from back at the Sugarcube Corner Bakery! You haven’t lived until you’ve tried my strawberry rhubarb pie drizzled in whipped cream! Oh I have so many recipes I want to share, this is going to be so much fun!” Pinkie’s bouncing picked up in speed until she was little more than a pink blur of excitement.

“Wait, you work at a bakery?” Homer gasped picking Pinkie up and holding her up by her waist.

“Work and live!”

In Homer’s head a crude mathematical equation was suddenly playing out, with a crayon drawing of Pinkie Pie with a plus sign followed by a bakery equaling the words ‘UNLIMITED BAKED GOODS!’ in giant neon lettering.

“Please please please please for the love of god let me stay with you tiny pink angel of sugary treats!” Homer pleaded shaking her back and forth.

“Really? You’d wanna stay with me?! I mean I’d have to ask Mr and Mrs. Cake, but they could always use an extra pair of hands around the shop, and even I can get a bit behind on keeping up with deliveries and, oh my gosh we can be roommates! I can introduce you to Gummy and the Cake twins, and you can tell me allllll about what kind of snacks they have back where you come and this is the greatest plan EVER!”

It was hard to tell which of them was more excited as they started rambling to each other back and forth before the sound of an air horn made them both stop and cringe. “Sorry you two, but if you guys got any louder nopony else were going to even be able to hear themselves think.” Twilight said apologetically as she put away the offending device.

“And while I’m glad you two are so eager to get Homer settled in, I should point out that it might be better to wait and see what the princess would like us to do once we get word back from Canterlot before we start making any sleeping arrangements. She may not want to wait to meet you after all.”

As if on cue Spike let out a loud belch as a scroll materialized in a burst of emerald flame. “Ooh, that should be her right now! One second everypony let’s see what she has to say,” Twilight unrolled the scroll and held it up as she began to read it aloud.

“My dear Twilight Sparkle, while I share your excitement at such an exciting occasion as contact with a new species such as the one you are describing, and as much as I would love nothing more then to meet him in person, I am afraid it will have to wait until tomorrow. The Canterlot nobility have been pushing back intensely against my latest proposal to raise their taxes to help create a relief fund for a Parasprite infestation that’s been recently plaguing nearby towns.”

“It will likely take me the rest of the day to convince these bit pinching stuck up asshats, no hang on that was crossed out, looks like she meant to say ‘aggressively thrifty members of high society’ that a reliable supply of small things like food and clothing are necessary if any of them wish to continue with their lavish lifestyles.”

“While I dearly wish the presence of a new species appearing in Equestria would be momentous enough for the nobility to postpone their increasingly ludicrous arguments against the most miniscule of tax hikes, you know as well as I do that is simply not the case.”

“That said, please extend a warm welcome to our guest on my behalf and rest assured that any expenses required for his extended stay in Ponyville will be reimbursed in full courtesy of the royal treasury. I look forward to seeing you all on the first train to Canterlot tomorrow, sincerely, Princess Celestia.”

Twilight didn’t even need to put down the scroll, she could feel Homer and Pinkie Pie’s eyes boring into her through the parchment. “Alright you two, it looks like you’ll be getting your wish, we’ll just need to explain things to Mr and Mrs Cake and-”

The rest of what she was saying was abruptly drowned out by two extremely loud whoops of joy. Looking up from the scroll, Twilight blinked at the sight of Homer and Pinkie Pie linking arms and doing a jig on top of a table.

“Something tells me my standing with them is about to take a ding or two…”

Author's Note

Exposition heavy chapters like this are always tricky, but I'd like to think I did alright in laying the groundwork. Just as a note I'd like to assure everyone that Homer's first reaction to everything won't always be screaming, however much I love that sound from the show the initial culture shock shouldn't take too much time. Hope you guys enjoy, feel free to like and comment ^_^

Sugary Sweet

Homer in Equestria: The Less Than Epic Saga

By Barry the Brony

After wrapping things up at the castle, the girls began to go their separate paths as the day was drawing to a close. Applejack needed to get back to Sweet Apple Acres to make sure things were ready for the next Zap Apple harvest, Rarity would need to pull an all-nighter to get her orders done on schedule, Rainbow Dash was planning on running some flight drills in the morning, and Fluttershy had to get back to her cottage before Angel changed the locks...again.

Wishing the others goodnight, Twilight and Pinkie Pie flanked Homer on either side as they reached Sugarcube Corner bakery just as the first stars started coming out. It was a marvel of design, meant to resemble a sugar frosted gingerbread house with an additional two floors above the shop in the shape of a double layered cupcake. There were even three large candles illuminated by enchanted lamplights on top of the highest point, like a lighthouse guiding wayward sailors home.

“Uh, Homer you okay? You’re kind of...salivating.” Twilight said as she watched the steady trickle of drool run down Homer’s chin, his eyes glazed over in awe of what could only be described as a monument to all things sugary and/or covered in chocolate. For someone with as big a sweet tooth as him, it was akin to standing in the shadow of the Notre Dame Cathedral.

“Oh let him take in the view Twilight, I was the same way when I first saw the bakery. Though hopefully he won’t make the same mistake I did and think the walls are actually made out of chocolate and take a big bite out of a load bearing wall.” Pinkie said this as though somehow this was a common mistake.

“Wait you did what?” It wasn’t so much that Pinkie Pie had done it in the first place that surprised Twilight, rather it was the fact none of her friends had ever bothered to mention this casual act of devourment of public property until just this moment.

“Well duh! Why do you think I started working here in the first place? Mr. and Mrs. Cake let me stay with them as long as I worked here to pay them back for the damages, and by the time I worked my debt off I was having so much fun spreading smiles with baked goods I just took on the job full time!”

Rather then comment further on this, Twilight turned to homer and cast a quick spell causing a tiny spark to flare in front of his eyes snapping him out of his trance.

“Huh? What? Hey why’s the front of my shirt wet?”

Twilight sighed. “Let’s just get him inside before somepony sees him and start screaming about the ‘yellow giant salivating for their flesh’.”

The bell over the door jingled merrily as they walked in, followed by Pinkie Pie bouncing in and loudly proclaiming. “Wheeeeeere’s my little Egg Whites?” In a sing-song tone. There was a soft couple of coos and giggles before two of the most adorable creatures ever conceived by Hasbro crawled in from the other room on all fours.

“Pinkie!”

“Pie!”

Pumpkin the unicorn, and Pound the pegasus, crawled forward eager to see their favorite aunt babbling in excitement. Scooping them up Pinkie gave each of them a faceful of smooches and nuzzles. “Ooh did you miss your auntie Pinkie Pie? She sure missed you! Yes she did, yes she did!”

Twilight gave a warm smile as she watched Pinkie embrace the twins, but when she looked at Homer she was surprised to see an expression of deep longing on his face. It was hard not to look at the cute little infant ponies and not be forcibly reminded of just how far away his own children were. Homer thought of little Maggie and felt a sharp pain in his heart that had nothing to do with high cholesterol.

Seeing the look on Homer’s face, Pinkie sat on her hind legs and cradled Pumpkin in her hooves. “You wanna hold Pumpkin for a sec Homer?” Homer’s eyes grew huge as he couldn’t nod fast enough. Giggling she turned to the little unicorn batting at her hair. “Pumpkin, this is my new friend Homer, he may be big but he’s a real sweetie, so no need to be scared okay?”

Pumpkin’s sky blue eyes peered up at the yellow colossus even as she nommed on Pinkie’s hair. Letting go of it with a soft little pop she tilted her head to the side before lifting her arms and giving a coo. “Homah!”

‘Damn it Simpson, you will not start crying in front of the ponies, you will NOT start crying in front of the ponies!’ Homer knelt down and as Twilight and Pinkie watched wrapped his fingers around Pumpkin’s waist and with surprising care lifted her up by the waist. “Hey there little guy.”

“Uh Homer? That’s a girl.” Twilight pointed out with a flat expression.

“D’OH!” Pumpkin giggled at the silly noise the big yellow giant made. Homer balanced her on his arm with one hand supporting her back holding her to his chest as she started to reach for his face. “Heh-heh, cute little thing isn’t she?”

Homer paused noticing Pumpkin was suddenly making an odd face. “Whoop, I know that look.” Putting her to his shoulder he gave her a gentle pat on the back prompting a tiny burp. “Not bad kid, but lemme show you how it’s really done.”

Homer shifted Pumpkin to the side a little, put the side of his fist to his chest, and suddenly let loose a belch better suited to some prehistoric apex predator then a human being. Pumpkin was absolutely delighted, squealing and clapping her hooves.

Twilight on the other hand was absolutely mortified. “Homer just because a baby has to burp doesn’t mean you should do it too just to show off!” She chided before shooting a sideways look at Pinkie, noticing that both she and Pound were each holding up scorecards with 10’s scribbled on them. “You’re not helping.”

“Pinkie is that you dear?” Mrs. Cake, the doughy looking blue earth pony who owned the bakery along with her husband, walked in with a soft smile on her face, only to freeze like a deer in the headlights as she saw Homer blowing raspberries on Pumpkin’s stomach.

Now, between the incidents involving Zecora and Princess Luna during the Poison Joke Incident and the first Nightmare Night since her return respectively, it’s become well established that the citizens of Ponyville are a bit quick to jump to conclusions. So when Mrs. Cake saw her only daughter in the clutches of a hulking, drooling yellow beast, her reaction, while unfortunate, was not without precedent.

“LET GO OF MY DAUGHTER THIS INSTANT HELLSPAWN!!”

Homer looked up just in time to see Mrs. Cake bearing down on him full speed giving a battle cry worthy of a certain warrior princess. This time hardly anyone could blame him for screaming bloody murder.

“Twilight, Pinkie go long!” Homer quickly tossed Pumpkin up in the air, giggling as she was enveloped in a nimbus of Twilight’s magic long before she could hit the floor. A second later Homer was knocked off his feet as Mrs. Cake plowed right into him like a pink and blue cannonball.

Homer and Mrs. Cake rolled around on the floor as he did everything in his power to hold her back as she bit and punched at anything she could reach. While the human might have had a size and weight advantage the Cakes, like all earth ponies, made up for the absence of wings or horns with sheer brute strength. As a result it wasn’t long before Homer was requesting a technical assist.

“TWILIGHT! PINKIE!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DO SOMETHING! SHE’S GOING FOR THE CROTCH! SHE’S GOING FOR THE CROTCH!!!”

Twilight blanched and handed off Pumpkin to Pinkie Pie, who along with Pound were watching the unfolding melee with an odd fascination. It was difficult to line up the images of the sweet little baker they knew and that of the mare that was currently worrying at Homer’s leg like a dog going after a rawhide bone.

With considerable difficulty Twilight managed to pry Mrs. Cake off of Homer and levitated her in midair as she growled and flailed her hooves trying to get ahold of Homer again. “Mrs. Cake! Mrs. Cake it’s okay Homer’s not going to hurt the twins!” She sighed and drew in a breath.

“MRS. CAKE STAND DOWN!!” It wasn’t a perfect approximation of the Royal Canterlot Voice, but it held no room for argument. It seemed to do the trick, as Mrs. Cake seemed to snap out of her state of maternal fury and shake her head as if coming out of a trance.

“Huh? What? Oh hello Twilight I didn’t know you were here...now, why am I floating three feet in the air?” She blinked only just now noticing she was wrapped up in Twilight’s magic.

“Well call me old fashioned, but I didn’t think taking a bite out of someone would make for the best impression to a potential houseguest.” Twilight deadpanned.

Mrs. Cake blinked again. “House-guest?” She took a closer look at Homer who was hiding behind Pinkie Pie as if somehow the pony at best a third his size was sufficient cover. “So, he’s not another monster escaped from Tartarus?”

“Nope.”

“And he’s not looking to devour my children?”

“Uh-uh.”

“Oh...oh dear…” Mrs. Cake’s pupils shrank as her face went beet red in embarrassment. “Oh sweet Celestia I am so, so sorry Mr, um…”

“Simpson.”

“Mr. Simpson, is there anything I can do to even begin to make it up to you?”

Homer sat up and narrowed his eyes at her making her cringe as Twilight set her down. “It depends.”

“Uh, y-yes?”

“Is that chocolate bundt cake in that display behind you?” Homer pointed.

Mrs. Cake took a look behind her and then back at him as the wheels started turning in her head. “...If it is and I said I have three more in the kitchen just like it, would you be so kind as to not press charges?”

“Done and done.”

There was an audible sigh of relief from three mares and incessant giggling from two thoroughly entertained infants. Then from somewhere over their heads came the voice of Mr. Cake.

“SWEETIE, IS EVERYTHING OKAY! I HEARD YELLING, DO I NEED TO GET THE FLAIL?”

“FALSE ALARM DEAR!” Mrs. Cake hollered back as Homer, Pinkie and Twilight exchanged wide eyed looks with each other.

They could just make out Mr. Cake dragging something heavy across the floor above them followed by a disappointed sigh. “Oh I never get to use this thing.”

A few minutes later after applying first aid where needed everyone had gathered at the kitchen table and watched as Homer began to eat his promised cakes. He wielded his fork and knife like weapons of war, carving up enormous pieces and wolfing them down with the efficiency of a wood chipper.

“Are we sure he’s even tasting it?” Mr. Cake whispered to his wife as Homer polished off his second bundt cake, which was immediately replaced by cakes number three and four courtesy of Pinkie who balanced the dirty dishes on her head as she took them to the sink.

“I’m honestly not sure he’s even stopping to take a breath,” Mrs. Cake admitted under her breath, watching the carnage unfold with a mixture of fear and awe before she raised her voice. “Is everything alright Homer? I hope you’re enjoying it, I really can’t stress how sorry I am for before.”

Homer looked up from eating and, rather then wait until he had finished what was in his mouth, garbled something unintelligible before going back to his feast, pausing only long enough to start chugging a big glass of chocolate milk.

Mrs. Cake blinked and tilted her head. “Come again dear?”

“Homer for the love of Celestia please don’t speak with your mouth full,” Came Twilight’s muffled voice as she sat next to him with her face flat against the surface of the table in embarrassment. She was having vivid recollections of having all too familiar conversations with Spike and the fact she was having it again with what was supposed to be an adult was not encouraging.

“Hang on, let me see if I can translate,” Pinkie said trotting back in. “Hey Homer, one more time please?” She cocked her head to one side one of her ears perked up as Homer repeated his earlier mumblings around the biggest chunk of chocolate cake he could fit into his mouth.

“Hmmm...Uh-huh….uh-huh...aww that’s so sweet! Okay I’ll tell her.” She turned to the others. “Homer says it’s not the first time he’s been viciously assaulted over a misunderstanding involving small children. He’s just glad it didn’t involve something called a ‘taser’ this time. He also wants to assure you that all is forgiven, and that this is the best cake he’s ever had!”

Twilight lifted her face off the table and gave Pinkie a look of disbelief. “Are you telling me you got all of that from maybe two, three seconds tops of mumbling?”

“Well when it comes to speaking with your mouthful a lot of it comes from the inflection and not necessarily the words. I have to say I’m impressed, it took me a few years to get as good as Homer is with it, he must have had a lot of experience talking through food.”

“I have absolutely no difficulty believing that,” Twilight sighed as her face became reacquainted with the table. The Cakes in the meantime looked both pleased and relieved to hear this.

“Oh that makes me feel so much better to hear that dear, Homer is welcome to help himself if he’s still hungry afterwards. Though I must admit we may end up going a bit over budget at this rate…” Mrs. Cake said as she watched Homer polish off cake number three and immediately reached for the last one.

“Actually, I received a notice from Princess Celestia that as long as Homer is staying here in Ponyville any expenses related to his living arrangements will be covered by the royal treasury. Equestria has entertained a number of diplomatic visits from far off lands in the past, and ensuring they receive our full hospitality regardless of expense has always been a priority.”

Mr. and Mrs. Cake’s eyes visibly doubled in size at this as they looked from Homer, to the growing pile of dishes in the sink, and then at each other as Twilight could have sworn she saw bits in their eyes. Not that Twilight could blame them, if Homer’s appetite was consistent with what they had seen so far on a daily basis, the Cakes would be able to put Pound and Pumpkin through some of the finest schools in Equestria and have enough left to pay off the house!

“Um, Homer, Pinkie and Twilight mentioned you were needing a place to stay, do you have somewhere specific in mind?” Mr Cake enquired in the same quiet tone one would use to try and coax a wary animal out of hiding.

Already polishing off the last cake, Homer started to say something and then noticed the pointed look Twilight was giving him. He swallowed what was in his mouth. “Actually I was kind of hoping you might be willing to let me stay here for a little whi-”

“YES!” Mrs. Cake blurted out before her face went red. “Ahem, I mean, I’m sure we can make arrangements for that to work dear, as long as Pinkie doesn’t mind sharing the upstairs with you.”

“WOO-HOO!” Pinkie and Homer let out simultaneously. “Come on Homer I’ll show you around upstairs!” Two shapes, one pink the other yellow dashed up the stairs before the pink one came zipping back down, took care of the dirty dishes and babbled a quick ‘thankyousomuchyouguysarethebestthisisgonnabesomuchfunNIGHTEVERYONE!’ before she vanished back up the stairs.

Taking a moment to savor the silence, Twilight glanced over at Mr. and Mrs. Cake. “Alright I have to ask, why do you two have a flail?”

“It’s part of my costume for rolep-mmf!” Mr Cake suddenly found his wife’s hoof in his mouth as she narrowed her eyes at him with an expression that, while not unkind, was rather intense.

“Roleplay? You mean like Ogres and Oubliettes?” Twilight asked tilting her head. “No wait that doesn’t require physical props, do you mean LARPing?”

Mr Cake shared a look with his wife before she removed her hoof. “Yeeeeees?” He offered hesitantly.

Twilight gave them an odd look before she shrugged. “Alright, if there’s any trouble, please don’t hesitate to let me know, and thank you so much.” Getting up from the table, she gave them a four legged curtsy before she wished them goodnight.

As soon as they were sue she was out the door Mrs. Cake gave her husband a flat look. “Honestly dear, you couldn’t have come up with something like ‘it’s for home security’? I don’t care how much Applejack preaches about the value of honesty, it’s not going to kill us if we tell a little white lie every now and then.”

“Yes honey.” Mr. Cake said looking a little dejected. He perked up remarkably fast when he suddenly felt his wife nuzzle him and whisper in his ear.

“Now then, why don’t you lock up, I’ll tuck in the twins and then I’ll see if I can’t find that soundproofing charm hmm? I don’t know about you but I feel like celebrating…”

She pecked him on the cheek and walked off making sure to put just a little extra oomph in the movement of her hips as she went up the stairs leaving her husband standing there stunned. A second later an ear to ear grin split his face as he locked the front door and hurried up after her. “Right behind you honey buns!”

While this was going on, Pinkie Pie was giving Homer a brief tour of her apartment, though the word hardly seemed to do justice to the surprisingly spacious two floor add on to the bakery. The interior was decorated with a riot of streamers, balloons and candy themed designs making the place look like a mishmash of the dream houses of Willy Wonka and PT Barnum.

“Soooo, whatcha think?” Pinkie asked bouncing up and down in place eager for a bit of feedback.

“You mean besides the feeling I got ripped off by the guy who did my house? I have to say you ponies kick ass when it comes to interior decorating.” Homer said before a diploma on the wall caught his eye.

“Hey what’s this?” He took it off the wall and squinted at the writing. “‘Certificate of Graduation from the School of Fourth Wall Manipulation and Reality Harassment’ signed by...who the heck is Professor F. Puff?”

“Oh Professor Puff’s the best! She taught me everything I know about instantaneous movement, temporary suspension of the laws of physics and helped me get me my Associate’s Degree in Multidimensional Pop-Culture References!”

“That’s a thing?”

“You better believe it! But it’s tricky, if you try and take in everything from the other dimensions at once your head may or may not literally explode, so you have to train yourself to fine tune it so it only kicks in when it’s relevant to the situation and/or funny.”

Homer stared off into the distance as he tried to absorb this “...Huh, being a cartoon is a lot harder than I thought it would be.”

“You’re not just whistling dixie!”

Looking over at the bed, a thought surfaced in Homer’s head for a few seconds before it’s inevitable descent back down into the vast ocean of his Id. “Hey Pinkie, I just realized I don’t have any pajamas, is that gonna be a problem?”

“Naw, it’s not like you knew you were going to cross over into an alternate reality and packed accordingly silly! You can sleep in the clothes you have on tonight and we can see about having Rarity measure you up for some more stuff to wear.” Pinkie assured him before giving an adorable yawn. “Well I’m gonna wash up before bed, be right back Homer!”

As she bounced up the stairs Homer sat down on one side of the bed and took his shoes off, kicking them off one by one before looking out the window. The starry night sky was absolutely breathtaking, the crescent moon hanging overhead as stars twinkled merrily.

It was beautiful, and everyone here was so kind, part of him wondered what it would be like to just stay here. But as tempting as the idea was, four not so little reasons remained on his mind. Pulling out his wallet, Homer opened it to the photo he kept with him and the rest of the family sitting on the couch together.

“Marge...kids...I don’t know when I’ll be back but...try not to forget about me, okay?” He sighed and put the wallet on a nightstand next to Pinkie’s bed next to a few other framed photos she had showing her with either family or friends.

The soft creak of the bedsprings drew his attention, but when he looked up instead of Pinkie Pie, he saw a tiny alligator watching him from the far side of the bed. He stared, and the creature stared right back with unblinking, vacant pink eyes. The only suggestion that it was alive came when it abruptly licked its own eyeball.

“...Pinkie?” He called out not taking his eyes off the reptile.

“Yeeeeeaaaahh?” Came her voice from the bathroom.

“Did Mrs. Cake put anything uh, special in the cakes? I think I’m starting to hallucinate because I’m making direct eye contact with a crocodile at the foot of the bed down here.”

“Oh that’s not a crocodile silly! That’s my pet alligator Gummy!” As if to emphasize how he got his name, Gummy opened his mouth good and wide revealing the absence of even a single tooth.

Homer just stared, still not entirely convinced that any of this was evidence he wasn’t tripping balls. Finally he shrugged. “Meh, sure why not?” The sooner he started accepting the overall weirdness that was Equestria the easier it would be on his blood pressure.

Fortunately one of the upsides of having little to know understanding of life outside Springfield, or really even beyond the living room couch if he could get away with it, was there wasn’t a great deal of inherent knowledge about how the world worked to toss out the window to begin with.

Homer knew that plants needed water to survive, he knew that gravity made things fall, and he knew that radiation exposure made it a really bad idea to go streaking through the reactor core at the power plant on a dare no matter how much money was on the line. As long as these things worked, little details like ‘how’ or ‘why’ didn’t seem to be worth the time to investigate unless the situation directly called for it.

So if he was going to be in a world where horses could fly, talk, and cast spells among other things for the foreseeable future, what was the point of being skeptical when he had known so little about the world he already called home? Homer would never qualify as a genius per say, but there was a quiet flexibility to how he viewed the world that was often overlooked.

Pinkie came back down the stairs and giggled at the sight of Gummy and Homer still sizing one another up. “Come on Gummy, there will be plenty of time to get to know Homer better in the morning, right now it’s bedtime!” She picked the little reptile up in her mouth like a dog with her pup and plopped him onto a rock next to a small heat lamp.

As soon as she flipped a switch, the little reptile was bathed in warm light, causing him to settle down comfortably on the rock and close his eyes with a soft content hiss. Turning off the rest of lights, the little pink pony hopped into bed and pulled the covers towards her so Homer could climb in with her.

“Thanks again Pinkie, I really wasn’t sure where I was gonna sleep tonight. I mean I’m sure Twilight had the space in that big rock candy castle of hers, but I was a little worried I was going to wake up with electrodes stuck in my brain or something.” Homer admitted as he got comfy.

“Heh, yeah she can get awful excited when she wants to figure something out. But it’s no trouble at all Homer, I was actually really touched that you wanted to stay with me.”

“Really?”

“Mm-hmm. Don’t get me wrong, me and the girls are just about inseperable, but sometimes it can feel like ponies can find me a bit...much.” She pulled the covers up to her chin and looked up at the ceiling thoughtfully. “I know I can be awful overwhelming, but when I’m with someone I care about and I see them smiling it’s like my little heart is just gonna burst and all I wanna do is dance and sing and bounce the day away!”

“Honestly? Where I come from we could probably use a lot more of that.” Homer said as he lay back next to her. “I never like to turn on the news or read the paper and find out what’s going on. All anybody seems to wanna talk or write about is stuff that’s either scary, sad or both. Everybody who's supposed to be in charge just wanna stand around and yell at each other, and I look at my kids having to grow up surrounded by all of that and wonder what kind of effect it’s gonna have.”

Despite himself, he gave a little chuckle. “You know my next door neighbor Flanders is a lot like you, I can’t remember the last time I saw him without some big dumb smile on his face and no matter what’s going on he always stops to wish me good morning or good night or whatever time of day it is. I should be happy someone like that lives next to me, but when he starts talking all I wanna do is punch him.” After a moment of silence Homer’s voice came back a bit softer. “Am I a bad person Pinkie?”

Pinkie’s eyes widened as she looked over at her new friend, there was a vulnerability in Homer’s expression she’d never seen before. “Why in the heck would you think that Homer?”

Homer took a deep breath and let out a long sigh. “I dunno, I just look at how perfect everything is here and how nice everyone is and it makes me wonder if I’ve really done a good enough job with my own life back home. The boy’s always getting into trouble, I can hardly understand a word that comes out of Lisa’s mouth, Marge runs herself ragged trying to hold everything together, and who knows what Maggie is going to get into when she gets older.”

“And then there’s me, just sitting on the couch all day drinking beer and scratching my big yellow butt, if it wasn’t for the money I make at work I’d be about as useful around the house as a doorstop. My family deserves better than me.”

“You know what I think?”

“What?” Homer suddenly felt Pinkie roll over and wrap her hooves around his midsection in a surprisingly firm hug. When he looked down at her, he saw her eyes were a little wet but her smile was still there.

“I think that your family is lucky to have you. If you really didn’t care about them, you wouldn’t be so worried about them all the time would you? You’re not perfect, but you know what, nobody is. I mean, Rainbow Dash brags like it’s going out of style, Applejack is honest to the point she can’t even tell a little white lie, Rarity is usually too quick to think of other ponies before herself, Fluttershy’s always struggling to try new things, and Twilight? Hoo boy, if I started talking about her we’d never get any sleep.”

“But having flaws doesn’t make us bad people, it just gives us something to strive to improve and learn from every day. Sure you’ve got problems, but you’re brave enough to own up to them and admit your mistakes. That counts for something, really it does. Besides,” She nuzzled his side. “It’s never too late to change for the better.”

“...Thanks Pinkie, I think I needed to hear that.” Homer smiled and tussled her mane gently, which was rewarded with a soft giggle. Resting his head against the pillow, he rolled over and felt Pinkie snuggle in under his arms as he held her like a stuffed animal.

“Good night Pinkie.”

“Good night Homer.”

In a matter of seconds, both of them were sound asleep, the heavy rumble and light murmur of their snoring blending together in the silence. As the moon cast a soft glow over them, a strange silvery thread spun and twisted through the window glinting as it seemed to shimmer in and out of existence. It slipped gently into Homer’s ear, yet he made no sign of distress as he slept, unaware that this strange day was not quite over yet...

Author's Note

Before anybody asks, I'm not entirely sure where those last few pages came from in terms of exploring Homer's insecurities about his self worth. I guess I was just fascinated by the idea of dabbling in the humanity behind everyone's favorite couch potato, hope it wasn't too much of a mood shift :twilightblush:

Anyway, I'm really looking forward to the next chapter, as Homer has one more person who wishes to make his acquaintance this evening, I'm sure you guys can figure out who, as always thanks for the likes and comments and by all means keep em coming! According to one of my dear friends and fellow fanfic writers, more attention apparently means I'm having more fun! :rainbowwild:

To Sleep Perchance to Dream

Homer in Equestria: The Less than Epic Saga

By Barry the Brony

The magic to enter the dreams of others was not a power Princess Luna took lightly. In many ways it was a deeply intrusive manner of magic that gave her a window into a ponies’ innermost thoughts, their subconscious desires, hopes and fears made manifest in a material landscape.

That was not to say that it was always presented in a way that had meaning to an outsider such as herself. The mind’s chaotic interpretation of information from the past and present often produced some truly bizarre combinations of day to day occurrences with outlandish flights of fancy.

And yet, as sparingly as Luna used this magic, using it only to prevent lasting emotional damage to one of her subjects by confronting the source of their night terrors, a part of her found no small amount of excitement and intrigue to the venture. For in a way every troubled dreamer was a puzzle, a riddle, that could only be solved by journeying into the depths of their subconscious.

That being said even she couldn’t solve every dreamer’s problems. Luna still had no idea why Twilight Sparkle’s dreams were haunted by giant quesadilla/python hybrids, nor did she truly wish to know the answer.

Yet now she had been requested by her sister Celestia to delve into the dreamscape of a creature from another world! Her concern as to whether this creature posed a threat to their subjects was tinged with no small amount of curiosity as to what awaited her within the dreams of this ‘Homer’.

When Luna first stepped out of the door leading back to the nexus from which she observed her subjects slumber, she let out an involuntary grunt of shock at the sudden drop in temperature, a cold wind blowing into her face as it howled mournfully around her.

Before her stretched a vast majestic mountain range overlooking a land blanketed in snow. What made this so peculiar was upon closer inspection the snow she was now hoof deep in was in fact vanilla ice cream, and the mountain she was standing atop of had the distinct smell of chocolate emanating from it.

True enough, after a quick glance around and a discrete lick of the ground beneath her hooves, Luna smacked her lips and closed her eyes in contemplation. “Hmm...dark chocolate with faint traces of...sea salt and caramel? Well at the very least this creature has excellent taste. Now then,” She looked around. “Where might he be…”

Concentrating, Luna’s horn glowed a deep frigid blue as she turned her head this way and that. It was an old spell of her own design that allowed her to seek the source of the dreamscape that grew brighter or dimmer in luminescence depending on where she was pointing her horn.

Following the steady glow of her horn, Luna walked through the ice cream snow at a steady but leisurely pace until she came across what appeared to be a mineshaft leading deep into the heart of the mountain. If she listened she could just make out the distant echo of pickaxes clinking.

As she walked deeper into the mountain, the clinking of pickaxes grew louder and was soon joined by the sound of multiple voices joined in song, with several also whistling. While instantly recognizable to anyone from Homer’s side of the cosmos, the melody was utterly baffling to the likes of Luna.

Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, it's off to work we go

Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, heigh-ho

Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, it's off to work we go

Heigh-ho, heigh-ho

Heigh-ho hum

Why the song seemed to be about repeatedly greeting a garden implement Luna could not even begin to fathom, but she followed the voices joined in song which only grew louder until she found herself standing before a sturdy door made of cast iron. After a moment’s hesitation, she raised a hoof and gave a firm but polite series of three knocks.

There was a noise like a record needle scratching and the singing stopped. On the other side of the door she heard grumbling before a little latch on the door slid. Through the opening Luna was greeted by a pair of familiar red eyes followed by the sound of an even more familiar raspy voice.

“Whaddaya want? Unless you’re with the miner’s union or here on an inspection buzz off!” Before Luna could even reply the latch slid shut again leaving her standing there bewildered. Considering she had spent the majority of her life with ponies going out of their way to grovel and accommodate her every need out of fear for their lives (or at least their ear drums) being dismissed so casually was a new experience.

But before Luna could decide on her next course of action another voice was heard on the other side of the door, another familiar voice ripe with indignation. “Grumpy! How many times have I told you not to give visitors the cold shoulder while we're working? What if somepony needs our help?”

“Oh come on Doc, we’re already behind schedule, if we stop to talk to everyone who comes poking their noses around here we’re never going to get anything done!” The first voice complained.

“That’s no excuse for bad manners Grumpy, now go say your sorry.”

“Fiiine.”

The latch re-opened and the same pair of red eyes from before looked at Luna with a slightly milder expression. “Sorry about that lady, we’ve been busting our flanks trying to make up for lost time ever since a break in one of the shafts nearly buried us in liquid caramel. Now is this important or what?”

Luna blinked and then seemed to get her bearings once more as she cleared her throat. “Ahem, apologies for intruding, but we are looking for a creature described as walking on two legs and resembling some manner of ape. Is such a creature present here?”

“What you mean Sleepy?” The red eyes narrowed in suspicion. “Why, is he in trouble?”

“Oh no, we merely wish to make his acquaintance and ask him a few questions if it’s not too much trouble.”

The eyes closed as from the other side of the door Luna heard someone sigh. “Well at least he’d be doing something other than sleeping on the job. Yeah sure lemme just get the door…”

There was the sound of a surprisingly large number of locks being undone and bolts sliding before the door creaked open. While Luna was familiar with Rainbow Dash, she was ill prepared for the sight of the dream version of the blue pegasus wearing a red jerkin, work pants and a brown cap, a tiny picaxe hanging off her side to complete the ensemble.

“Come on in, I’ll take you to him,” ‘Grumpy’ said as she walked off rather than attempt to fly, the cramped confines of the tunnel leaving little room for an alternative. Indeed, Luna had to tuck in her wings and let out an occasional wince as her horn would catch on the ceiling until her mane was covered in chocolate shavings.

The passage eventually opened up into a larger cavern where the rest of Grumpy’s team were hard at work excavating huge chunks of chocolate and loading them into minecarts to be wheeled away once at full capacity.

“Might as well introduce you to the others,” Grumpy said before she put her hoof to her lips and let out a sharp whistle. “Alright girls, we’ve got a visitor so look alive!” Five other ponies clad in similar attire to Grumpy scrambled to form a straight row as Grumpy introduced them one by one.

“I’m Grumpy, this here’s Doc,” Grumpy started, pointing to a counterpart of Twilight Sparkle adorned with a pair of thick soda bottle glasses. “That there’s Happy and Bashful” Pinkie Pie’s counterpart bounced up and down with no less enthusiasm then her real world self while Fluttershy’s dream self peeked out from her mane and gave a shy little wave.

“And over here we have-” Grumpy was interrupted by an enormous gale force sneeze right in her face, leaving her dripping with snot and staring daggers at Applejack’s counterpart. “Sneezy, and this here’s Dopey.”

Luna was about to say something when she did a double take at the last pony standing in line. Rather than the alabaster white unicorn she was expecting, Luna found herself looking down at a gray pegasus with blond hair whose lopsided eyes gave the impression she had just been kicked in the head by a mule.

Noticing Luna’s puzzled expression, Grumpy sighed. “The first pony we had take the job couldn’t dig to save her life and walked out complaining that her outfit ‘was an atrocity against fashion’ so we needed a replacement. ”

“Or to make a long story short,” Happy chimed in as she continued bouncing. “We needed a Dopey so we hired a Derpy!”

Luna blinked and looked down at Dopey once more who merely shrugged, simply looking happy to make a cameo. “We...see. You mentioned one more among your number, the one called Sleepy?”

As if to answer her summons, the loud sound of someone snoring in the corner caught Luna’s attention as it emanated from the inside of a minecart off to the side of the chamber. Peering over the side, Luna got her first real look at the creature described in Twilight’s letter.

Curled up at the bottom of the minecart dressed in a red jerkin and blue cap was Homer, his face and hands stained with chocolate and snoring like a bandsaw, a thick trickle of drool running out of the corner of his mouth. As had been the case with Rainbow Dash, Luna was left feeling remarkably underwhelmed.

“This is the creature Twilight Sparkle was so excited about? We hardly see what is so remarkable save perhaps for his considerable girth,” Luna muttered under her breath before she sighed and shook her head. “Ah well, we had best rouse him for questioning regardless.”

Luna reached down and prodded Homer with a hoof but his only response was to groggily swat it away and roll over so his back was facing her. If she listened she could just make out him mumbling in his sleep. “I know it’s Sunday Marge but I don’t wanna go to church. How come God gets to sleep in today but I don’t?”

“No luck huh, big surprise,” Grumpy said walking over and pulling something out of a satchel. “On the other hand, this is way more fun.” Before Luna could object, Grumpy held an air horn right to Homer’s ear and let out a loud blast point blank.

Homer bolted upright with a scream that could have cracked Doc’s glasses were it at any higher pitch while Grumpy burst into a fit of snickering. “Damn your tiny black heart woman!” Homer roared as he clutched his chest.

“Aww, I love you too Sleepy,” Grumpy said looking up at him with an expression that was the very definition of the term ‘shit eating grin’. “Besides, you’ve got a visitor, so it’s not like we can just let you sleep the day away this time.”

“Visitor?” It was then that Homer seemed to notice the Alicorn in the room for the first time. Considering how all of the other ponies he had encountered so far only came up to his waist, it was quite a surprise to finally see one whose size was comparable to a horse such as the ones back on Earth.

Of course the fact she also wore elaborate regalia and a mane that flowed like a river of starlight might have also clued him in that this was someone important. So it was that Homer Simpson, now in the presence of one of the rulers of all of Equestria, gave Princess Luna her first taste of human etiquette as he gave her a greeting with as much respect and etiquette as was due her position.

“...Sup?”

Luna blinked while Grumpy’s expression turned deadpan. “Oh this is off to a great start,” She muttered before the sound of heavy machinery from behind them drew her attention as her wings shot up in alarm. “Oh crud I’ll be right back, Dopey you get off of that jackhammer right now!!” Grumpy shouted before flying off leaving them alone.

“Forgive us for disturbing you sir, you are the one called Homer, are you not?”

“Well that’s what it says on my driver’s license at least, and you are?”

Clearing her throat and raising a hoof in a grand fashion, the pony unfurled two large feathery wings out behind her as her eyes glowed with silver ethereal light. When she spoke the whole mountain shook from the power in her voice. “MARK THIS DAY, FOR YOU STAND IN THE PRESENCE OF PRINCESS LUNA, GUARDIAN OF THE DREAM REALM, AND RULER OF THE NIGHT!!!”

When Homer’s face stopped flapping from the force of the Royal Canterlot Voice, he shrugged and drew in a deep breath of his own. “MY NAME IS HOMER, NICE TO MEET YOU!!!” He screamed at the top of his lungs right in Luna’s face.

It wasn’t quite at the same noise level granted, but it was clearly not what Luna had been expecting, her ears flattening against her skull as she drew back eyes wide in surprise. For a second Homer was worried he had made a serious blunder, then it was his turn to be surprised when she gave a hearty laugh.

“A fine attempt at greeting us in the Royal Voice sir, we are pleased by your spirit!” Luna proclaimed with what seemed to be genuine delight. “It has been too long since another has indulged us in the exchange. It is a fine taste of nostalgia we happily savor.”

“Wait, so in Equestria you’re supposed to scream at royalty?” Even Homer had to raise a brow at this, as the concept seemed like it was less likely to earn a monarch’s respect and more likely to wind up with your head on a pike.

“Well, perhaps not in all situations we will admit,” Luna conceded as she folded in her wings once more. “But in times of old before the authority we now wield was cemented, we found the only way to make our voices heard amongst the great gatherings of so called nobility was to speak the loudest. You could call it a custom born of necessity.”

“So no matter what world you’re in, it all comes down to who’s screaming the loudest, guess politics are the same no matter where you come from.” Homer mused.

“Precisely. Speaking of which, it is your origin from beyond Equestria that drew the curiosity of my sister and I. Given that Princess Celestia was in no position to make a proper enquiry of her own after the day’s events, she requested that we make such investigations tonight.”

“Oh yeah, Twilight mentioned someone called Celestia a couple of times, so is she like, what, the queen around here?”

Luna seemed to mull this over before giving a slight shrug. “Hmm, such a title is not technically inaccurate, given we are the highest figures of authority in Equestria. However titles such as ‘King’ and ‘Queen’ have been born in the past by dangerous and unsavory beings. Thus to distance ourselves from the idea of being some manner of tyrant, we bear the title of princess as a gesture of humility.”

“I...guess that makes sense?” In all honesty a lot of this was going right over Homer’s head, but if Disney had taught him anything, aside from how being a parental figure to the main character usually resulted in a very short life expectancy, it was that the princess was usually the good guy while the kings and queens tended to be either evil, dead, or incompetent.

“So what brings you around here Luna?” Homer asked as he stood up and hopped out of the minecart, wiping his chocolate stained hands all over his jerkin with the ease of a man who considered napkins a luxury item.

“Well, given that receiving a visitor from another world is no small matter, we wished to meet with you as to gather preliminary information to share with our sister, Princess Celestia. Please do not take such an intrusion upon your dream as insult to your character, the fact that Princess Twilight already calls you friend is ample commendation, but forewarned is forearmed as they say.”

Homer’s eyes lost focus as he tried to process even a quarter of what Luna had just said, her flowery way of speaking nearly burning out several vital areas of his brain before he found something he could actually respond to. “So this is a dream?”

“This was not already obvious?” Luna asked arching an eyebrow. “We would think your being in the heart of a mountain made out of a chocolate confectionary would be a significant clue.”

“Look lady I’m not saying you’re wrong, but when you’ve had as many hallucinations as I’ve had the term ‘reality’ starts to get a little shaky. I mean this whole thing started with me falling out of the sky and waking up a few hours later surrounded by little talking horses-”

“Ponies.”

“Right ponies, sorry. Anyway, I don’t really have a good frame of reference for what’s supposed to be normal these days. I mean, I’ve been drunk, drugged, knocked on the head, and one time I started hallucinating after eating candle wax and illegal peppers.”

Luna actually had to sit down on her haunches and think that over for a minute. In a roundabout way there was something resembling a compelling argument there. “So you require proof that this is a dream and not merely the latest step in some inexplicable journey beyond rhyme and reason thrust upon you by the whims of a higher power?”

“Yes please.”

“Very well, apologies in advance.”

“Apologies for wha-GRKH!” Not one to shy from the direct approach, Luna had promptly turned and kicked Homer clean through the wall with both hind legs. The sheer force of her blow left a distinct human shaped outline in the wall. “Are you experiencing any pain?” She called into the hole.

“No, but my life did just flash before my eyes...”

“And what does this tell you?” Luna replied in the calm patient tone of a teacher waiting for a student to figure out what the solution to the problem on the chalkboard was.

“That either I’m dreaming or I’m too far gone to feel pain anymore and I’m gonna die in a few seconds. Hang on….hang on...nope you were right, definitely a dream.”

“Uhm, excuse me, Miss Luna?” The Princess of the Night felt someone tugging at her mane gently and looked down seeing Bashful peek out from under her cap. “I-if you wouldn’t mind, could you maybe, um, not kick one of my co-workers through another wall? If that’s alright with you I mean. We just don’t want another cave in…” She murmured.

Looking back at her handiwork, Luna couldn’t help but blush. “We will...keep this in mind.” She said looking a bit sheepish as she rubbed one of her forelegs with a hoof. After helping Homer out of the hole in the wall, he and Luna were soon seated around a table with the others as they seemed to be taking a break over mugs of hot cider.

“So you work at a facility that provides nuclear power to your entire town?” Luna enquired as she sipped from her own mug. Even though she knew it was not real, the phantom flavor was still quite pleasant to experience. She made a note to enquire as to when cider season would begin once more at Sweet Apple Acres.

“Well first of all it’s actually pronounced ‘nuke-u-ler’ power but that’s a common misconception. But yeah I’m a safety technician. Basically I sle-uh, sit, in front of a big display with little lights and buttons on it, then if any of the lights turn red, I look up what buttons to press in the manual.”

“And if some manner of problem arises that is not covered in the manual?”

Homer seemed to give that some thought, no small feat in and of itself, as he scratched his head. “Hmmm...well there was an instructional film they showed us on orientation day that said something about if there was a real disaster. It’s kind of a blur but I think it was either ‘duck and cover’ or ‘hide in a lead lined fridge’.”

Luna arched an eyebrow with the grace that only true nobility could ever hope to pull off. While Equestrian civilization had a ways to go before they could achieve the kind of technology required to harness nuclear energy as they did on Earth, they were no strangers to the concept itself. Given that her magic was based intrinsically around it, her sister Celestia was the foremost expert on all things pertaining to how the sun and other similar celestial bodies worked, including nuclear fusion.

Thankfully the application of it as either an energy source or, moon forbid, a weapon was something Celestia had taken great pains to ensure remained only as a theory to be studied, not put to practice. As such Luna suspected Homer’s employers at the Springfield Power Plant considered him to be expendable if they felt that was the best advice to give him in the event of a meltdown.

“We are...sure the citizens of Springfield sleep more soundly at night thanks to your tireless efforts Homer.” Luna finally said giving him a warm, if slightly forced, smile. “In any case it is most reassuring to hear that your arrival was merely by accident and not of design.”

“Why’s that?” Homer said taking a sip from his cider.

Luna glanced down at the table with no small amount of embarrassment. “To be frank, I had briefly entertained the possibility that you were perhaps the vanguard of a larger force that sought to invade Equestria.”

As far as spit takes went, the one Homer immediately performed hearing this was pretty high up on the list. But rather then react with anger, he came up from his sputtering with a roar of laughter.

This was joined by just about everyone else at the table ranging from quiet giggling from Bashful, to Happy laughing so hard she fell out of her chair. Even Grumpy was snickering.

“Honestly lady do you really think that if someone wanted to invade Equestria that’sthe best they could do?” She pointed a hoof at Homer who was still laughing himself.

“Yeah I’m not exactly what you’d call a tactical mastermind Luna, I’m lucky if I can even beat my dog in a game of tic-tac-toe.” Homer said before he leans in and gave a conspiratorial whisper. “I’m pretty sure he cheats.”

Luna sat there and stared ahead at nothing in particular as she processed that mental image. “We will have to take your word on that.” She finally managed. Homer’s expression turned a bit more thoughtful as he leaned away from her again to sip from his mug.

“Honestly though? I get it, Equestria’s an awesome place and if I was in charge of it I’d want to make sure I kept it safe too. I really can’t remember the last time I felt this, well, welcome. Sure it was kind of scary at first to be who knows how far away from home and surrounded by talking ho-PONIES, ponies, there see I remembered that time.”

“That you did,” Luna said giving a soft chuckle at how pleased Homer seemed that he caught himself.

“Anyway, everyone I've met since I've got here have been bending over backwards just to make me feel welcome. I can't remember the last time I really felt this accepted other then when I'm at home with my family or at Moe's. The girls have been awesome especially Pinkie Pie, she’s been a friend and a Support Animal.”

Luna didn’t quite do a spit take, but she did let out a loud snort in mid sip from her cider at the image of Homer walking through one of Ponyville’s shops with Pinkie Pie next to him wearing a vest that said ‘Please do not ask for parties until after hours, Support Pony working.’

“So how about this, for as long as I am here, I solemnly swear to do all in my power not to intentionally endanger Equestria.” Homer said holding up his hand as though he was being sworn in.

“Only intentionally?” Luna had to arch her eyebrow one more time at this.

“Trust me your highness, with his track record that’s the best you are going to get.” Doc piped in, Dopey nodding in agreement next to her before resuming sipping cider through a curly straw.

“We suppose it is still far more of a courtesy then we have ever been given by the likes of Discord.” Luna mused. “In any case, we wish we could stay and converse further, but we still have a long evening’s work ahead of us.”

“But I thought you had questions for me.” Homer looked at her a little puzzled. “Aside from asking where I work and some other small talk we haven’t really covered much.”

“True, but there will be time for a more detailed enquiry later, this was more to the effect of...an introduction. Above all, we wished to get a feel as to what manner of person you are, and to that end, we are satisfied.”

Homer looked down for a moment and fiddled with his thumbs as if trying to work up the nerve to ask something. When he looked up he saw Luna gazing at him before she inclined her head permitting him to speak.

“Well, uh, what do you think after meeting me?” Homer kept seeming to look at everywhere but Luna’s face, as if worried what he might see in her eyes when she gave her answer. He felt Luna gently put her hoof on his shoulder.

“We think,” She said with a gentle tone. “That like all beings, you are not without your flaws, but in spite of them, or perhaps even because of them, we see you have a good heart and a kind soul, even if you are easily distracted by wayward indulgence.”

When Homer just looked at her blankly she sighed and tried a slightly different tactic. “Think of it then as, you passed the test.”

“WHOO-HOO!” Homer bolted up out of his chair throwing his hands up in the air in excitement before he gave Luna a bear hug. “Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!”

As the other ponies gathered exchanged looks of utter disbelief, Luna’s own surprised expression became a warm smile as she settled for patting his back with a hoof.

“You are most welcome Homer, and with that we bid you goodnight. Depending on how the rest of the evening goes we may or may not be present to meet you along with our sister in the morning. Regardless, as Celestia did before us, we welcome you to Equestria.”

Luna bowed her head towards Homer, who after looking to the others on how to respond and only receiving a few shrugs, held out the edges of his jerkin and dipped his legs in a curtsy. It was a small mercy Luna didn’t burst out laughing right then and there.

Wishing them all farewell, Luna summoned the portal to the dream realm once more and stepped through. As the door closed and she made her way to the next one, she cracked a smile and started humming a recently discovered melody to herself. Her sister was going to be very entertained come tomorrow...

Author's Note

FINALLY got this chapter done! For some reason this one gave me a bit more trouble then the last four chapters, likely due to having the potential to go completely off the rails with the nature of Homer's dream. In the end I tried something simple but amusing and I hope I brought back some fond memories for a few of my readers.

Also yes I know replacing Rarity with Derpy was a bit of a cop out, but I just didn't feel like I could give everyone's favorite seamstress the role of Dopey without annoying some of her fans, plus there's always room for a Derpy cameo :derpytongue2:

Anyway, I'm starting to wrest control of my free time away from Monster Hunter World (for now at least) so hopefully you guys won't have to wait quite as long for the next update. Thank you all for your support :twilightsmile:

Village? Idiot. Idiot? Village

Homer in Equestria: The Less Than Epic Saga

By Barry the Brony

It was remarkable how the events thus far barely made the list for weirdest ways to start the day Twilight Sparkle ever experienced. She’d woken up to a Parasprite Infestation, the sun and moon hanging side by side in the sky, and one time a mariachi band playing right next to her bed (Discord’s idea of wishing her a happy birthday apparently, though she had to admit the platter of grass tacos had been a nice gesture).

That said, the Princess of Friendship still found it disconcerting to be picking bits of broken glass out of Homer as he wolfed down pancakes. After the floor had been swept up and there was no longer any danger of someone getting cut, it didn’t take long for Pinkie, Spike and the Cakes to join them at the kitchen table for breakfast.

Of course Twilight’s first inclination had been to take Homer to Ponyville General, but he had been adamant about staying for breakfast. The conversation was still fresh in her mind if only due to the sheer insanity of it.

“Hospital? Do I look like I’m made of money? Just cast Cure on me or something and I’ll eat to replace the blood I lost.”

“But-”

“Twilight, I am a guest in Pinkie’s home. If her, I’m assuming, family, was nice enough to make breakfast I’m not going to to let a little thing like multiple lacerations get in the way of being polite.”

“Are you sure you don’t want some dear?” Mrs. Cake asked Twilight as she slid a fresh plate of pancakes in front of Homer, careful not to get her hooves too close to his mouth. To Homer’s credit he was using the silverware, but nopony had the heart to point out a fork and knife worked better as cutting implements then glorified shovels.

While Mrs Cake served out plates, her husband sat next to Pound and Pumpkin in their highchairs, doing his best to get them to eat their breakfast as opposed to wearing it. Despite his best efforts with an ever present napkin, their faces remained splattered with porridge as they burbled and giggled.

“I appreciate the offer Mrs Cake, but it’s hard to have much of an appetite picking glass out of someone.” Twilight said, her horn glowing as she did her best to gently pull another bit of glass out and then immediately apply a mild healing spell to the cut.

Princess Cadence would always be the unquestioned master when it came to healing magic, but Twilight was nothing if not a keen study. So even though her own grasp of such spells was still in development, the cuts and lacerations Homer had gotten from going through the window were easy to treat.

“Is Homer gonna be okay Twilight? I know you’re super-duper good with magic, but we don’t have a lot of ponies crash through windows around here.” Pinkie asked sitting on the other side of Homer.

“Well my first inclination would be to worry about any lasting damage or scarring but from the looks of it I’d swear his body is used to this kind of abuse. Even his ability to register pain is out of whack, see?”

To demonstrate Twilight tugged a particularly large piece of glass out and watched Homer continue to eat. Then about five seconds later Homer paused with a bite halfway to his mouth and blinked.

“...Ow, hey take it easy back there Twilight.”

“Sorry Homer, just trying to demonstrate something to the others,” Twilight said patting his back with a hoof. “But seriously, just how often do you get hurt like this?”

Homer swallowed what he had in his mouth and put down his utensils for a moment. “Depends, you mean in general or something specific?”

Twilight blinked. “I beg your pardon?”

“Well when it comes to getting hurt I usually experience one of two things. Sometimes it’s a variation on something that happens multiple times, like household accidents, animal attacks, brawling, and I’m pretty the number of times I’ve been hit in the head is just short of triple digits.”

“Then there’s the real exciting stuff that happens a lot less often. Falling down a gorge twice in the same day, getting struck by lightning, getting set on fire, ingesting poisonous blowfish, oh and I used to do a cross country show where I’d get shot in the stomach with a cannon.”

You could have heard a pin drop in the silence that followed, everyone seated looking at Homer with open mouths. Well almost everyone. “Well that last one doesn’t sound too bad, it can be a lot of fun blasting people with my confetti cannon!” Pinkie offered.

“Um, Pinkie? You do understand when cannons were first invented they shot things other than confetti right?” Mr. Cake asked gently. As if to emphasize this point, a glob of porridge hit him dead center between his eyes leading to a delighted squeal from Pumpkin.

“Well yeah but what does that have to do with-” Pinkie paused as she connected the dots, her pupils shrinking. “Oh...ohhhh.” She gave Homer’s belly a little prod with her hoof as if trying to see if everything was still there, making him giggle like the Pillsbury Dough Boy.

Twilight’s reaction was a bit more...direct. “Okay, not to sound ungrateful that your wife hasn’t become a widow or your kids haven’t grown up without a father by now, but how and why are you still alive?”

Homer looked up at the ceiling for a moment in thought before he simply shrugged. “I dunno, that’s just usually how these things work. I get knocked down, I get back up, why bother asking a bunch of questions about it when things seem to work out in the end anyway?”

Twilight closed her eyes and let out a long sigh, just like that the migraine from yesterday was back with a vengeance. ‘Sweet Celestia it’s Pinkie Pie and her Pinkie Sense all over again…’

“Uh Twilight? In Homer’s defense it’s not like we ever figured out how you survived having a flower pot, anvil and a piano dropped on your head.” Spike pointed out. It had been the first time since they had sat down to eat he had bothered to speak. Then again what did he have to complain about? He was getting a meal and a show.

Twilight started to say something before she stopped as a puzzled expression came over her face. “Wait how did I survive that? I mean it wasn’t like I could chalk it up to being an Alicorn, that was way before I had ascended.”

“Oh that’s easy Twilight, you’re a main character just like Homer!” Pinkie said as she popped up next to the little purple Alicorn. “When a story revolves around one or more key people, you can’t just bump protagonists off willy-nilly (least you’re not supposed to because that can lead to a lot of traumatized fans who send lots and lots and lots of angry letters).”

“So when someone like you or me or Homer gets hurt, it only really affects us if it serves the plot. You know, like how Rainbow Dash smashed Applejack’s old barn by dive-bombing it from a couple of thousand feet in the air? She didn’t get a scratch from doing that but when she had to stay put long enough to discover the joys of reading, the injury she got from her stunt going wrong was serious enough to keep her from leaving the hospital until it healed.”

Everyone just sort of stared blankly at Pinkie Pie for a minute as they took this all in. “Well...that’s certainly one theory Pinkie,” Twilight said slowly. “Probably not the one I’d prefer if I’m hoping to ever sleep again, but it’s definitely a theory.”

“See, this is what I’m talking about Twilight. Questions require answers, which are complicated and often terrifying. I find the key to a happy life is to minimize thought, live in the moment, and hope like hell someone else is paying more attention.”

Twilight’s eyes flicked back and forth between Homer and Pinkie for a few seconds before she just sighed. “Okay, there’s a lot in there I want to unpack but we’re pressed for time. Princess Celestia is expecting me to bring you on the first train to Canterlot and we’re going to need to make a stop at Rarity’s place to get Homer some new clothes.”

At the mention of Rarity Spike’s eyes lit up and he dug into what was left of his breakfast with renewed enthusiasm.

“Wait what’s wrong with the ones I’m wearing?” Homer asked.

Twilight’s eyes turned half lidded and dull. “Take a wild guess.”

Homer looked down at his shredded bloody attire for a few seconds until you could almost see the light bulb flicker on in his brain. “...Oh now I see what you’re getting at.”

“Well we better get going then! Thanks for the meal you guys, we’ll see you later!” Spike said as he ran back into the room after putting his dishes in the Cakes’ kitchen sink, he was moving so quickly he was almost a purple and green blur.

“But I’m not done eat-MRPH!” The rest of what Homer was trying to say was cut off as Spike hopped up onto the table and promptly shoved the rest of the pancakes on his plate down his throat.

To everyone’s surprise Twilight was not the first one to protest this act. “Spike what are you doing?!” Pinkie squeaked as she grabbed Spike off the table and set him down on the floor. “You can’t just stuff pancakes down someone’s throat!”

Twilight looked at Pinkie with a newfound respect. “Pinkie’s right Spike, you have to-”

“-Use syrup to soften them up first!”

“...What?”

As Twilight watched Pinkie grabbed a bottle of strawberry syrup off the table, tilted Homer’s head back and drizzled the pancakes still lodged in his mouth. What happened next was comparable to watching a tree stump get fed into a wood chipper. Slowly but steadily, the pancakes vanished in a spray of crumbs.

When it was over Homer leaned back in his chair with a content expression. “Mmmm...force-fed…”

A single strand of Twilight’s hair sprang up with an audible ‘sproing’ and her left eye started to twitch. “Oh-kay well like Spike said we better get going, thank you for breakfast Mr and Mrs Cake bye-bye!” She announced just a bit louder then she had intended, trying to push Homer out the door.

“You coming along Pinkie?” Homer asked not noticing the look of panic on Twilight’s expression. But to his surprise and her immeasurable relief, Pinkie gave a little sigh and shook her head.

“Sorry Homer, I’d like to but I promised the Cakes I’d take care of the deliveries today. There’s a bit of a backlog from yesterday because I rushed off to see Twilight at the castle in all the excitement about meeting you.”

“Pinkie, we know you take your work here seriously and we love you for that but it’s not like we can’t manage for a bit on-” Mr. Cake started to say before Pinkie was suddenly in front of him with a hoof to his mouth.

“Up-up-up, you know the rules Mr. Cake, I made a Pinkie Promise to make up for the work I missed yesterday and I’m honor bound to fulfill that promise on Pain of Pinkie!”

“The hell does that mean?” Homer asked Spike in a low voice.

“You don’t wanna know.” Was all he said in reply.

“Twilight?” Mrs. Cake called from the other room. “Before you leave, would you be so kind as to speak to the mob outside our home?”

Twilight sighed. “Alright but we really ought to get going as soon as I-” She stopped and blinked. “Wait, mob? What mob?”

As far as mobs went it was a rather polite one. No visible torches or pitchforks were present, the number of ponies gathered only numbered about fifteen to twenty, and the expressions worn were a mixture of curiosity and concern rather than fear or anger.

As Twilight looked out the window, she saw Mayor Mare standing at the front of the group. Unsurprisingly, she also spotted the three mares running the flower shop right behind her, each one seemingly competing to look the closest to a panic attack.

“Figures” She muttered under her breath. Daisy, Roseluck and Lily Valley seemed to consider their jobs at the flower stand secondary to their true calling, serving as the source of any and all gossip to be found in Ponyville.

If somepony had so much as a slight cough, you could count on those three to exaggerate it into the beginning of a deadly epidemic before the spit had even hit the ground. A mild debate over what to have for dinner between a husband and wife? Clearly the latest outburst in a marriage teetering on the brink of total collapse.

Yet in a way Twilight was almost relieved. At least this was the kind of craziness she was used to. Stepping out she made her way to Mayor Mare and gave her the friendliest smile she could manage. “Good morning mayor, good morning everyone, how can I help you?”

“Oh, uh, good morning Princess Twilight,” The Mayor’s smile was pleasant but slightly worried. “I’m so sorry to bother you, but we’ve had several concerned citizens report a crash about an hour ago and-”

“Is it here? The monster that fell from the sky yesterday?” Daisy popped up in Twilight’s face as if she had been taking lessons from Pinkie Pie.

“I heard he was as big as a house with horrible yellow skin, who could eat a pony in a single bite!” Lily Valley added.

Twilight wrinkled her face. “Wait if he’s supposed to be as big as a house how would he fit inside this one?” Lily seemed to mull this over, but like a game of Whack-a-Mare Roseluck and Daisy chimed in.

“I heard he walks on his hind legs and the ground shakes with every step!”

“Well I heard he’s got a black hole where his stomach should be and he can eat all day and all night!”

“And just who did you hear all this from?” Twilight asked arching an eyebrow. Daisy, Lily and Roseluck immediately pointed to one of the other three with a hoof.

“I thought so. Alright listen everyone, yes we did receive an...unexpected visitor, but Homer isn’t a monster. He’s just trying to get back home and if you just give him a chance I’m sure...he’s right behind me isn’t he?”

Twilight’s expression grew flat again as she saw the crowd draw back with expressions of alarm. Her question was promptly answered by a loud burp from behind her. “Excuse me. So what’s all the hubbub Twilight?”

Confronted with the aforementioned creature who towered over even the biggest pony and had ‘blood’ smeared all over their face, the reaction of the crowd, or to be more precise the aforementioned trio of flower ponies, was pretty predictable.

“Oh sweet Celestia it’s hideous!”

“The horror! THE HORROR!”

“It’s killed and eaten the Cakes and now it wants us for dessert!”

“We’re not dead in case anyone is wondering.” Came Mr. Cakes’ simple rebuttal from somewhere in the bakery behind Homer.

Lily and Daisy seemed to lose a bit of their momentum hearing this, but Roseluck tried to press on. “Oh, uh, you can...still hear their voices on the wind?”

“Hi everyone, what are we doing? Are we having a party? I sure hope so because I love parties!” Pinkie Pie chirped as she popped up between Twilight and Roseluck.

Roseluck’s eyes darted around as she tried to come up with something. “...It’s Pinkie Pie’s ghost?”

Pinkie Pie let out a gasp. “I’m a ghost?! Why didn’t someone tell me? Aww fooey, did I do that thing again where I sing nonstop for so long I forget to take a breath?” Pinkie said giving a pout over her apparently being dead.

“Oh well, I better go cut some holes in some sheets and leave instructions for feeding Gummy, bye bye!” And just like that Pinkie was gone again, zipping into the bakery in a pink blur.

“So...just to be clear, is Pinkie really-”

“No Homer she’s not a ghost.” Twilight said patiently. “Pinkie Pie’s a lot of things but dead isn’t one of them.”

“Nor are any of the rest of us Roseluck,” Mrs. Cake said from behind Homer, her voice rather exasperated. “And as I already told you, even if we were, you still aren’t getting my porcelain hedgehog so stop pestering me about it.”

“It’s the very last piece I need to complete my collection and you bucking know it!” Roseluck snapped before she noticed everyone staring at her with wide eyes. “I mean...thank Celestia they’re unharmed?” In the awkward silence that followed she cleared her throat, cheeks bright red. “Right, I’m just gonna...stand over here quietly now…”

“Here Twilight, let me handle this,” Homer said as he stepped forward and cleared his throat. “Citizens of-” He faltered and covered part of his mouth with his hand lowering his voice to a stage whisper. “Pssst, Twilight, where are we again?”

“Ponyville.”

Homer had to turn his head and give her an odd look. “Really? Boy you guys didn’t really put a lot of thought into that one did you?”

“We were going to call it New Canterlot but that name was already taken.” Mayor Mare interjected. “We were on a bit of a deadline to register our name with the royal cartographers so we had to improvise.”

“Meh, fair enough,” Homer said before giving it another attempt. “Citizens of Ponyville! On behalf of Earth, bah-weep-graaaaagnah-wheep-nini-bongs!”

There was a lot of confused muttering as everyone present exchanged puzzled looks with each other. “What the hell was that?” Twilight asked looking absolutely baffled.

“What, it’s the universal greeting to indicate good will towards an alien species.” Homer explained, leaving out the part where he had gotten this bit of interspecies protocol from a movie about transforming robots.

“What was ‘hello’ considered too complicated?”

“Look lady if you’ve got a problem with it, take it up with Hasbro. It was either that or ‘live long and prosper’ and I can never remember which fingers to spread to make the hand gesture that comes with it.”

Twilight just looked up at Homer a concerned look coming over her face “...It’s going to be like this every day with you isn’t it?” She asked as if only now realizing how much she and the others had their work cut out for them.

“Yeah but as my wife would attest, you get used to it,” Homer said petting her head. The protest died halfway out of her mouth and was replaced by a content noise from somewhere deep in her throat.

With some reluctance Twilight shook off his hand and addressed the crowd once more. “This is Homer, and as you may have picked up by now he’s not from around here.”

“What is he exactly?” Someone in the crowd asked.

Twilight started to say something but paused as a thought occurred to her. “Actually what is the official name of your species Homer?”

“Uhh…” ‘Okay don’t panic. I’m pretty sure Lisa told us this one at least once. It was a big fancy word, what was it, what was it…’

Suddenly a word surfaced and he latched onto it like a drowning man clutching at flotsam. “I’m a Kwyjibo.” He blurted out, then paused as realization dawned on him and promptly followed suit with a loud “D’OH!”

But it was too late, the ponies started repeating the word amongst themselves with quiet murmurs and snatches of conversation. “Is he dangerous?”

Twilight and Homer exchanged a look before the latter shrugged. “Well he’s a little accident prone, not going to lie, but he honestly just wants to find a way back home to his family.”

To Twilight’s surprise this didn’t seem to convince many ponies in the crowd. There was still a lot of nervous faces and muttering. “Okay what’s the problem now?” She asked giving a sigh.

“Well you see Twilight, oh dear how do I put this,” Mayor Mare looked down at the ground and pawed at it nervously. “You gave us similar assurances about Discord. But then there was his little ‘relapse’ with Tirek.”

Twilight stopped in the middle of her reply and looked more than a little embarrassed. “Oh, well okay I guess you have a point there.”

“Whose Tirek?” Homer whispered to Spike who had come out to watch this all unfold.

“This big red centaur with horns who fed on magic and tried to take over Equestria.”

“Magic pony Satan, gotcha.” Homer nodded at this before he cleared his throat once more to get everyone’s attention. “Alright listen, I know compared to you guys I’m a little different, and obviously different can be scary. God knows it scares the hell out of me every time they reboot a franchise.”

“Always the same questions, will they keep the characters I’ve come to cherish as they were, or will they take them in a new and ultimately inferior direction because the new director is a pretentious jackass?”

“But once in a while, every so often if only by sheer chance, the stars align and change brings us something new and exciting. Like a script written by someone who actually paid attention to the source material, or a new actor breathing fresh life into an old character. So I ask you good farm animals, let me be that actor. Let me be your Zachary Quinto.”

“Who?” Asked someone in the back of the crowd.

“Oh for god’s sa-listen as long as I’m here I promise not to take over your world, enslave your women, or eat your children,” Homer said before he remembered what Twilight and the others had said at the end of their promise to get him home. “Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.” He intoned as though being sworn in to office.

The effect was almost instantaneous, the nervous looks in the crowd gave way to expressions of relief and now growing curiosity. But as they started to crowd around Homer peppering him with questions Twilight flared out her wings to make herself seem more authoritative, or at least bigger.

“Alright everyone I know there's a lot you want to know about Homer, but Princess Celestia is expecting us later today and we still have a few errands to run before we can leave. There will be plenty of time for questions later, okay?”

There were a few murmurs of disappointment but the crowd quickly dispersed leaving Homer, Twilight and Spike alone at the front door to the bakery. “I’m...not sure if that went better or worse than I expected it to.” She admitted.

Before Homer or Spike could reply, Pinkie Pie popped up wearing a spare bed sheet with holes cut out for her eyes. This being Pinkie, she had taken the liberty of decorating the sheet with polka dots and a big smiley face.

“I’m the Ghost of Parties Yet to Beeeeeeeee….ooooooooooh!”

“Pinkie, your not a ghost.” Twilight said as patiently as she could.

The little pony in the bed sheet paused in the middle of waving her hooves around and tilted her head to the side. “Really? Huh, that explains why I couldn’t phase through the door. Oh well, on the bright side I’ve got my costume all set for Nightmare Night, back to work for me! Bye everyone see you later!” Pinkie the Friendly Not-Ghost merrily bounced back inside.

“So, which way’s the Boutique?” Homer finally asked after they all spent a few seconds digesting Pinkie’s latest antics.

“Ooh!, I can show you if you don’t mind giving me a lift Homer.” Spike offered. Hoisting him up Homer let the dragon clamber onto his shoulders and hold his head to keep himself steady like a little kid.

“Whoa, is this what it’s like to be tall? I’m practically getting a nosebleed up here,” Spike said as he looked down at the ground which from this vantage point seemed alarmingly distant. Surveying the landscape he pointed in a seemingly random direction. “Thataway, onward trusty steed!”

“Excuse me?” Homer said turning his head to give Spike an annoyed look.

“Uh, I mean, onward Mr. Trusty Steed?” Spike offered sheepishly.

“That’s more like it, come on Twilight you coming?” Homer called back to her as he trundled off in the direction Spike had pointed to.

After one last futile glance to the heavens above for some form of salvation, she sighed and took off after them. “Okay but there better be more petting, if the rest of today is going to be like this I’m going to need something to take the edge off.”

Author's Note

Hello everyone! I thought since it was my birthday today I'd give myself AND my readers a present with a new chapter! Hope you all like it, and feel free to leave lots of comments below :twilightsmile:

On the subject of Nudity

Homer in Equestria, the Less Than Epic Saga

By Barry the Brony

Something you learned quickly while in Equestria was when it came to architecture, ponies had all the subtlety of a brick to the head.

Whereas Sugarcube Corner was made to resemble a giant confectionary, Carousel Boutique bore the features of its namesake with silhouettes of ponies prancing around the exterior of the shop and one adorning the sign above the front door.

Nonetheless Homer seemed just as drawn to it as he had the bakery, albeit for a very different reason. His eyes squinted in concentration a puzzled look on his face.

“Hey Twilight I thought you said Rarity worked in a carousel? That looks more like a merry-go-round to me.”

“See Twilight? I’m not the only one who gets those two mixed up.” Spike said from his perch atop Homer’s shoulders

Rather then be exasperated, Twilight smiled recalling having a similar conversation with Spike about the matter not soon after they had started living in Ponyville a few years back.

“Well Homer, the most basic difference is a merry-go-round turns clockwise. Whereas If you’ll notice the direction the silhouettes are facing, the effect is that they appear to be moving counter-clockwise.”

“You mean how toilet water flushes one way in America and the other way in Australia?”

Twilight looked up at him and arched an eyebrow. “I...guess?”

“Well how about that, I learned something.” Homer said looking rather pleased with himself.

Hearing this Twilight’s face lit up with a tiny ‘squee’ sound. If anything rivaled her love for knowledge, it was her love of sharing said knowledge with others.

Spike seemed to grow more excited as they got to the front door of the boutique, scaling down Homer’s back and going round the corner. A few seconds later he came back with a clawfull of freshly picked flowers.

“Spike you didn’t pick those from Daisy’s flower bed again did you?” Twilight asked giving him a concerned look.

“Nah, I'm pretty sure she’s onto me by now. I got these from Lily’s flower bed.” Spike replied as if this solved the biggest problem with ravaging a neighbor’s garden in the hopes of pleasing Rarity.

Twilight just rolled her eyes and gave the door three quick knocks. Upon hearing a familiar voice call out ‘Co-ming!’ in a sing song tone the little dragon’s tail began to wag in excitement.

The door swung open with a merry jingle of the bell set above it as Rarity stood in the doorway. “Oh good morning everyone how are y-sweet Celestia!” She recoiled in horror at the tattered blood and butter stained remains of Homer’s clothing.

“Good heavens Homer, what in the name of embroidered stitching happened to you?!”

“I broke Pinkie’s window with my face.” Homer replied without missing a beat.

Rarity blinked twice before her eyes flicked over to Twilight. “That answers one question but raises so many others.”

“Trust me, not enough hours in the day. The short version is Homer had an accident and we could really use your help getting him presentable for when I take him to see Princess Celestia. Think you can squeeze us in on short notice Rarity?” Twilight asked.

“As opposed to letting Homer wander through Canterlot looking like that? Of course darling, come in all of you we don't have a moment to waste!” The white unicorn ushered them all into the boutique and closed the door behind them.

“Here Rarity, these are for you!” Spike said wasting no time in presenting her with the flowers.

“Oh these are beautiful!” Rarity cooed as she lifted them up with her magic. “You always find a way to brighten up my day, my little gentle-drake.” She leaned in and gave him a peck on the cheek, causing his face to turn cherry red.

“I think he likes her.” Homer whispered to Twilight, making the little alicorn put a hoof to her mouth to stifle a giggle. Spike’s crush on Rarity was about as well kept a secret in Ponyville as the fact that Cranky Doodle wore a toupee.

“Alright Homer as luck would have it, I have a shower upstairs you are welcome to use. But first we’ll need to get you out of those clothes” Rarity explained as she filled a vase with water to put the flowers in.

“You’re the boss,” Homer said with a shrug and without another word he started to unzip his pants.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” Rarity shrieked, dropping everything and rushing to put one of her mannequins in front of Homer while Twilight covered Spike’s eyes with one of her wings.

“What? You said you wanted me to take off my clothes.” Homer said looking genuinely puzzled.

“Not in front of us, for goodness sake Homer, where’s your sense of modesty?” Rarity said as she tried to catch her breath.

“Wait…” Homer’s expression turned from puzzled to annoyed. “If this because of my weight?”

Now it was Rarity’s turn to look puzzled, though utterly baffled might have been more accurate. “I beg your pardon?”

“As well as you should!” Homer replied folding his arms across his chest. “Trying to body shame someone out of taking part in a local custom, for shame.”

Rarity tilted her head to the side and squinted at him. Twilight was a little quicker to recover but only because she’d already had a good sampling of Homer’s...unique way of thinking this morning. “Okay Homer? We’re going to need a little more context to understand what you’re talking about.”

“Oh don’t play dumb, you guys can walk around naked and it’s no big thing, but the moment someone like me who's a little overweight decides to join in? Then it’s indecent exposure.”

Rarity and Twilight exchanged looks of disbelief before the former’s eyes lit up with realization. “Hold on, you think we’re...oh! Oh of course why didn’t I realize it sooner?”

“While I’m glad one of us has some idea what’s going on, mind filling the rest of us in Rarity?” Twilight asked arching an eyebrow.

“Well Twilight it seems there’s been a bit of a misunderstanding. Now Homer, from what you’ve told us so far, am I correct in thinking where you come from it’s customary to wear clothing all the time?” Rarity asked.

“Well yeah, I mean sometimes we wear more clothes when it gets cold and less when it’s hot. But usually we only take off our clothes to clean ourselves or when we want to have seee-rious snuggling.” Homer caught himself only just remembering present company consisted to two girls and a baby dragon.

Rarity nodded at this, having decided it wasn’t worth drawing attention to his near slip of the tongue. “So given that we spend most of our days without wearing anything, I assume this lead you to believe that we are, in fact, naked?”

“Uh, do you guys have a different definition of ‘naked’ or am I missing something?” Homer said arching an eyebrow.

“Don’t worry, I'm getting to that dear, now do you remember our little group hug the other day?” Homer nodded. “Well do you happen to recall if it felt like the parts of us you were holding felt like bare skin?”

“Actually, no, it kind of felt like fur more than anything.” Homer admitted scratching the side of his head. Pieces to the puzzle were starting to appear but he wasn’t quite making the connections just yet.

“Well Homer what you felt is what we refer to as a ‘coat’. It’s a covering of fine coarse hairs that function in much the same way as clothes would for a Kwyjbo in that it covers our extremities and provides protection from the elements.” Rarity explained not noticing the slight twitch in Homer’s eye at being addressed as a ‘Kwyjibo’.

‘The boy can never know…’ “So wait, if you guys are already covered why do you wear clothes?”

Rarity smiled as she used her magic to levitate a shimmering purple dress off of one of her mannequins. “Well just like in your world there are times of the year or parts of Equestria where extra layers are necessary.”

“But mainly we see clothes as a way to enhance a pony’s natural appeal. For instance this dress would look simply divine on Twilight, notice how it brings out the color of her eyes?”

“Oooh that does look like it would-hey!” Twilight caught herself before she fell into Rarity’s well oiled machinations yet again. Like any good predator, Rarity’s quarry rarely knew what hit them until they found themselves leaving several bits lighter then when they entered.

“Sorry dear, the instinct to make a sale isn’t something you can just flick on and off like a lightswitch,” Rarity said giving a little titter as she returned the dress to its original position. “But getting back on topic does that clear a few things up Homer?”

“Kinda, but I do still have a question. If you guys are covered in hair, what do you call what’s on your head?”

Rarity gave a quizzical tilt of her head. “You mean my horn?”

“No the other thing.”

“Her ears?” Twilight asked giving hers a flap for emphasis.

“Uh-uh.”

“Oh! I think he’s talking about your mane Rarity.” Spike offered.

“Mane?” Homer blinked and gave a far off look for a few seconds. Then just when Twilight, Spike and Rarity started getting a little worried, the last sliver in the loading bar seemed to fill in.

“Ohhh, is that why Lisa kept calling it that when she said she was going to go brush Princess!” He said slapping his forehead. “I kept thinking she was using some kind of weird slang like ‘noob’ or ‘amigo’. But jeez I’m sorry guys, I just kind of assumed clothing was optional around here.”

“Well yeah but only because our tails and coats cover up anything...intimate.” Twilight explained a bit of pink in her cheeks as she didn’t look any more eager to discuss such delicate matters in front of Spike as Homer had been. “From what we’ve seen with you, if you were to walk around unclothed things would be sort of…” The little Alicorn paused to find a delicate way to put it.

“Out in the open? Yeah I can see why that would be a little awkward. Once you’ve had an entire stadium full of people take pictures of your junk you sort of lose the appetite for it. So uh just to be clear, this isn’t about me being, you know...husky?” Homer asked.

There was something in Homer’s voice when he asked this that made Rarity and Twilight exchange a look. Even Spike looked a little caught by surprise. “Homer, do people make fun of you for your weight back home?” Twilight asked gently.

Homer gazed down at the ground and gave a long sigh. “Yeah, I try not to let it get to me but, well you can only hear people call you so many variations of ‘fatass’ before you start to believe it yourself.” He admitted poking the tips of his pointer fingers together.

Twilight started to say something before Rarity raised a hoof for her to be quiet for a moment. Motioning for Homer to kneel down, the unicorn walked over and put a hoof on his arm.

“Homer?” Rarity said softly. “I’m going to tell you the same thing I tell everyone who walks through that door. You are as radiant a jewel as any I will ever work with, and if you are willing to let me, it would be my pleasure to help you shine.”

Homer looked down at Rarity with wide eyes. “You...you really mean that?” His voice was so quiet it was barely above a whisper.

Rarity smiled up at him. “Every word.”

Rarity then gave a little squeak of surprise as Homer pulled her into a bear hug. “You’re a good person Rarity.” He said with a slight crack in his voice as he closed his eyes, but not before a single tear escaped down his cheek.

“I try my best darling, just like the rest of us,” Rarity said nuzzling him for a moment before her nose reminded her of Homer’s rather...pungent condition. “Ahem, Homer? Please don’t take offense, but I do believe you’re just a tad overdue for that wash.” She said as delicately as she could.

Homer paused and lifted an arm giving his pit a sniff, and promptly recoiled. “Whoo! No offense taken lady, man I better get to it before birds start dropping out of the sky. Where's the bathroom again?”

“Up the stairs and to your left, you can’t miss it.”

“Much obliged.” Homer trundled upstairs and ducked to the left, almost closing the door completely before they heard him unzip his pants once more. A bit of rustling was followed by his clothing being tossed out before it clicked shut. Finally they heard the sound of Rarity’s shower starting up.

Twilight, Spike and Rarity all took a moment to give a collective sigh of relief. “Well, I can safely say I wasn’t expecting that much excitement so early in the day!” Rarity said giving a light toss of her mane. “Spike would you be so kind as to fetch Homer’s clothes? I’ll need to take a fabric sample.”

“I’m on it Rarity!” Spike said hopping off the chair he had been sitting on and snapping a salute before he dashed up the stairs.

“Rarity that was amazing, how did you figure out what was going on with Homer that fast?” Twilight asked still trying to process everything that had just happened. Within the span of a minute she had experienced amusement, alarm, confusion, concern, sympathy, fondness and admiration.

“Yeah Rarity, when Homer started dropping his pants I thought you were gonna chase him out with a sewing needle.” Spike added as he came back down the stairs. Rather than handle Homer’s dirty laundry with his bare claws the little dragon was carefully bringing it down while it hung off the handle of a broom, doing his best not to breath through his nose.

“Oh don’t give me too much credit Spike, I wasn’t far off from doing just that at first,” Rarity explained as she levitated Homer’s clothing over to her work table with her magic. “But something about how Homer genuinely seemed to believe he was being treated unfairly gave me pause. Obviously the root of the problem was one party was doing something they thought was normal while the other vehemently disagreed. The question then was, what was being lost in translation?”

Rarity began to pace slowly, not out of nerves but more a kind of restless energy, and even as she paced her tools began to snip and cut at each piece of clothing to get samples. “Given that the trouble all started when I asked Homer to remove his clothes, that was the most important clue.

“Giving Homer the benefit of the doubt, I had to assume he would never disrobe in front of people he had only recently met unless he felt that somehow this was a perfectly normal course of action to take. It wasn’t until he accused us of a double standard that everything clicked.”

“Homer hadn’t been so quick to undress because he was being inconsiderate, but rather he was merely engaging in what he believed was a perfectly acceptable local custom. It was only after we responded negatively to this that Homer interpreted this as a comment about his physical appearance.”

Twilight just sort of...stared for a couple seconds. “Wow, I guess all those detective novels have been rubbing off on you Rarity.”

Spike on the other hand gave a wistful sigh and murmured something about ‘best pony’.

“Now then, on to the matter at hoof, Twilight would you be so kind as to bring me Homer’s measurements?” Rarity asked not even bothering to look up as she took a bit of fabric from what remained of his attire. Fortunately the materials seemed to be primarily common enough things like cotton and denim and she had plenty of both on hand.

“Measurements? What measurements?” Twilight asked suddenly snapping out of her daze and now seeming to find an excuse to look anywhere else but in Rarity’s general direction. “I mean what, you think I ran tests on his unconscious body in a gross violation of his privacy and personal space just to satisfy my own curiosity?”

Rarity stopped what she was doing for a moment and gave Twilight an even, perfectly measured look. After fidgeting for a few seconds Twilight sighed and hung her head in defeat. A little notepad appeared held in place by the Alicorn’s magic appeared next to Rarity.

“I’m not judging dear, I’m just reminding you that after living in the same town as you for the last few years we’ve all come to pick up on your habits. Now why don’t you come and give me a hoof? Spike if your hungry I have a few spare jewels in that cabinet drawer over there.”

Twilight was about to say that Spike had already had breakfast when the little dragon’s stomach rumbled audibly. Noticing the look she was giving him, Spike gave Twilight a toothy little grin. “Guess she knows both of us pretty well by now huh?”

While Spike helped himself Rarity set to work on making some new clothing for Homer to wear. The top priority would be something appropriate to wear for a meeting with Princess Celestia, then by the time they returned from Canterlot she planned to have enough clothing for him to start being able to cycle through them during the week.

“Honestly I still think his taste in attire is a little on the generic side, but considering the nature of our current outfit for him to wear around Canterlot, I thought it might make him feel better if the rest of his clothing was similar to what he was used to back home.”

Twilight could only nod as she followed the unicorn’s instructions, fetching materials whenever needed. As they worked they could hear Homer singing in the shower as he washed up. While it sure sounded like he was enjoying himself some of the lyrics were rather strange…

Everything is awesome!

Everything is cool when you’re part of a team!

Something something something!

When you’re living the dreeeeeeaaaaaam!

All three of them winced slightly as Homer belted out that last note. From somewhere on the second floor Rarity’s cat Opal gave an indignant yowl.

“I can make him look good, but I’m afraid that is beyond my ability to help with.” Rarity said as she flicked an ear.

“Speaking of singing, where’s Sweetie Belle?” Twilight asked while Rarity resumed her work on Homer’s outfit.

“Oh she’s out with Apple Bloom and Scootaloo helping a filly with her Cutie Mark. I only caught mention of her first name, Critter I believe. Sweet little thing but a bit, what’s the word I’m looking for, eccentric?” Rarity offered not noticing Spike and Twilight exchange a coy look. “Apparently she’s been something of a menace while striving to find her passion so the girls offered to help her.”

“That bad huh?” Twilight had to arch an eyebrow. Considering there was practically an entire branch of Ponyville folklore built around the years the Cutie Mark Crusaders’ had strived to find their hidden talents, there had to be quite a story behind the idea of another filly rivaling them for overall chaos.

“Well, maybe ‘menace’ is too strong a word, as I said I’ve met her a few times and she’s really a darling, but apparently animals seem to have a certain...aversion to her. Rumor has it Fluttershy has been treating her pet hamster for PTSD.”

“Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?” Twilight had to give Rarity a double take at this. “What did she steal all of her classmates’ pets to re-enact the War of the Three Tribes when nobody was looking?”

“No idea, though you must admit nothing is entirely outside the realm of possibility in Ponyville these days.”

“Well yeah but usually Discord or Pinkie Pie has to get involved for things to get that weird. The last thing we need is that sort of craziness spreading.”

Spike paused in the middle of polishing off a sapphire and made a loud cough that sounded suspiciously like he was saying ‘enchantedyourdoll’ in a rush. Twilight straightened up and stared straight ahead with a noticeable bit of red in her cheeks while Rarity tried not to smile.

“Okay okay maybe I’m not the best person to admonish other’s for being a little eccentric. As long as she’s not actively trying to harm animals I don’t see...whatever Critter is up to as being too much of a problem.” Twilight conceded.

With that they quickly returned to working on Homer’s new outfit. It never ceased to amaze Twilight how quickly Rarity could cobble something together on short notice yet still give it her all. By the time they heard the shower turn off upstairs, the girls had finished Homer’s new outfit.

“Ahh, I feel as fresh as a big yellow daisy.” Homer said with a sigh of satisfaction as he emerged from the bathroom wrapped up in what looked like several of Rarity’s towels tied together. For reasons none of them could fathom he had one wrapped around his head despite the number of hairs still up there being in the single digits.

“Feeling better I take it?” Twilight asked as Homer came down the stairs and stepped behind a nearby changing screen. For the sake of modesty Rarity used her magic to hand Homer a replacement pair of underwear first so she could avoid any further embarrassment should he require the unicorn’s assistance in fitting into his new clothes.

Oh absolutely, especially after trying out that loofah!” Homer said from behind the screen as he took the underwear. “Boy does that help reach the nooks and crannies like nobody’s business!”

“Well I’m glad to hea-loofah? What loofah?” Rarity seemed to stop dead in the middle of talking her ears pricked up and her posture now rigid.

“You know, the pink one next to the bottle of shampoo in the shower?” Homer replied, peeking out up over the edge of the screen now.

Rarity’s pupils shrank to pinpricks at this. “The one with initials ‘R’ and ‘B’ on it?” She asked her voice suddenly going up an octave. Behind her Twilight and Spike exchanged looks of shared alarm.

“That’s the one.”

“The same loofah I ordered custom for two hundred bits that I just received in the mail today and literally have only used once since getting it?!” By now Rarity’s left eye was twitching and her voice was bordering on shrill.

“Uh, did I do something wrong?” Normally Homer wasn’t good at picking up on how other people were feeling, but he couldn’t help but recall how Marge had displayed a similar expression when he had come clean about how much money he had spent on imported Sea Monkeys.

“...You know the sad thing is all it’s going to take is a bat of her eyelashes, a pretty please and a ‘Spikey-Wikey’ and I’ll probably end up helping Rarity get rid of the body.” Spike sighed reflecting on some of the (many) downsides of crushing on one of Ponyville’s most melodramatic mares.

“Wait but if Rarity kills Homer then-” Twilight’s wings flared out in panic as she let out a loud gasp. “I’LL NEVER GET TO FINISH MY RESEARCH!”

“And...?” Spike said making a motion with his claw signaling her to keep following that train of thought just a bit farther then a missed opportunity for study.

“...Oh, uh and his family will never see him again?” The Princess of Friendship added sheepishly.

“There you go.” Spike said patting Twilight on the side not unkindly. Of all the people who had worried Twilight becoming an Alicorn would have wiped away her old habits, Spike had never been one of them.

But to their surprise Homer did not come down with a terminal case of multiple hat pins through the brain pan. Rather Rarity seemed to wrestle whatever hot violent impulses that were brewing inside her into submission and force her breathing back under control.

“Oh it’s nothing to concern yourself about Homer, in fact, why don’t you...keep the loofah? Think of it as a gift.” Rarity said in a calm if somewhat clipped tone of voice.

“Really? I mean I appreciate the offer but are you sure you don’t wanna keep it?” Homer asked.

“With every fiber of my being…” Rarity ground out through clenched teeth, her eye giving a few more twitches.

“Well okay if you’re sure. Thanks Rarity that’s really nice of you.” Homer said as they saw his silhouette resume slipping on his new clothes.

The sincerity in his voice seemed to take the edge off whatever Rarity was still feeling, as after one last sigh she spoke much more normal tone. “You are welcome dear, now once you are dressed do come out so we can take a look.”

With one last rustle of fabric Homer stepped out from behind the changing screen. Rarity had gone with an old design for a red military coat decorated with gold buttons and silver Epaulets on each shoulder. All that was missing was the long black hat and he would have looked right at home standing guard in front of Buckingham Palace.

“Well Homer what do you think?” Twilight asked as Homer turned and looked at himself in one of the full length mirrors.

Homer turned this way and that and let out a low whistle of appreciation. “Wow, I haven’t worn anything this fancy since I was in the Navy.”

“You were in the military?” Rarity asked with a touch of disbelief.

Homer started to answer when his brain gave the rest of him the metaphorical equivalent of an elbow to the ribs. Twilight already seemed pretty nervous about him meeting Princess Celestia, confessing to things like ‘hijacking a nuclear submarine’ and ‘accidentally launching your commanding officer out of a torpedo shaft’ didn’t seem like it would help her blood pressure.

“Uh...yes, but after a period of time it was decided that my talents lay elsewhere, so I was eventually let go with a document including the words ‘honorable discharge’.” To be fair this was technically true, after all you can’t spell ‘dishonorable’ without ‘honorable’.

Twilight started to ask something but stopped, sighed and muttered something under her breath that sounded a lot like ‘not enough hours in the day’. “Alright we should have just enough time to catch the train to Canterlot, but before we go Homer would you mind waiting outside with Spike for just a minute?”

As soon as both man and dragon had left the shop Twilight turned to Rarity. “Rarity I am so, so sorry about your loofah but I’m sure Homer didn’t mean t-”

Rarity held up a hoof to silence Twilight before she turned and trotted over to her couch. Lifting up one of the pillows with her magic, the unicorn took a deep breath and proceeded to let out a long muffled scream into said pillow.

Finally coming back up for air Rarity adjusted her mane and turned back to Twilight (who had just enough time to put away the stopwatch she had been checking at the moment). “Ah, much better.”

“In any case, Twilight don’t let it bother you too much. Generosity is a double edged sword, and even without meaning to people can take advantage of it at times. As long as Homer likes his new attire and it helps him make a good impression with Princess Celestia I can bear with the loss of a loofah.” Rarity said giving her a reassuring smile.

“Although,” The smile wavered and Rarity looked off into the distance as she gave a long sigh. “I do wish I could have spent just a bit more time with my beloved Fiery Passion.” Her eyes watered a bit her bottom lip quivering.

“You named your loofah?” Twilight asked arching an eyebrow.

There was an awkward silence following this before Rarity cleared her throat delicately. “Tell you what, I will continue not to judge you for experimenting on Homer’s unconscious body if you agree not to judge me for the relationships I may or may not have with my personal hygiene products. Deal?”

“Deal.” Twilight said without a trace of hesitation as she and Rarity shook hooves. “Alright well I better get Homer to Canterlot before anything else happens. I’ll be sure to give you and the girls an update as soon as we get back but thanks again Rarity!”

Twilight dashed out the door and following a brief muffled conversation Rarity heard all three of them leave for the train station. “I think I better make my rounds and warn the rest of the girls, I doubt any of them realize what we’re all in for…”

Author's Note

Remember when I said how the chapter where Homer met Luna was the most challenging for me to write so far? Apparently I spoke too soon :twilightsheepish:

That said this chapter DID give me a newfound appreciation for people who can do Rarity justice as a character. When more of the spotlight is on her as opposed to the rest of the girls she can be a real challenge to write for.

In any case I am simply relieved to finally finish this chapter, as it's been a bit embarrassing seeing the stretch between updates continue to grow. Curse my procrastination, curse it to Tartarus :facehoof:

In any case, next chapter is another one I've been looking forward to for quite some time as Homer finally meets the second of the two figureheads running Equestria, our beloved Sun Butt. As always feel free to leave lots and lots of feedback and thank you one and all for reading!

Single Working Alicorn

Homer in Equestria, the Less Than Epic Saga

By Barry the Brony

Princess Celestia had almost as many titles as she had years of mileage under her (metaphorical) belt. Dawnguard, Lightbringer, Radiant Herald, Breaker of Chains, Mother of Dragons-

...Wait no, scratch those last two.

Though speaking of mothers, Celestia was often thought of by her subjects as a maternal figure, watching over her children and gently guiding them along the path to reaching their full potential.

Like any mother it brought her no small sense of pride whenever one of her little ponies flourished, such as her prized pupil Twilight Sparkle ascending to becoming an Alicorn.

Yet there was a fact about mothers that people rarely ever talked about. It was always left by the wayside, lingering in the minds of ponies like Fluttershy who had studied animals long enough to understand the less...family friendly aspects of nature.

And that fact was under the right circumstances any mother is capable of eating her young.

The reasons for this can vary, of course, from stress to starvation to the simple enticement of being able to sleep in on a school day. But the point is for all of their love mothers, just like anyone else, can only put up with so much before they snap.

Celestia was pretty sure she had crossed that breaking point fifteen minutes ago.

She was too good to show it of course, to anyone watching the Alicorn as she sat atop her magnificent golden throne Celestia would seem as regal and good natured as ever. In fact there was nothing, absolutely nothing in that small patient smile and warm purple eyes to suggest she was entertaining the thought of setting both of her current visitors on fire.

In fact at the moment Celestia was exploring, hypothetically, what she would say to the guards outside her throne room were they to rush in after hearing several screams only to be greeted by a matching pile of ashes at the foot of her throne.

‘Oh it’s just terrible, it happened so fast! One moment these ponies were voicing their concerns about a tax increase to cover providing food for the victims of a Parasprite outbreak, the next FWOOSH! ‘

‘What caused it? Well If I had to guess it’s POSSIBLE a stray spark ignited somewhere on Upper Crust. At that point, all it would need to do would be to come in contact with that cologne he loved. You know the one he lathered on until it’s all anyone can smell for a mile? Maybe he should have paid more attention to the warning label on the back about keeping it away from open flames.’

‘And Jet Set! Oh, she was standing right next to Upper Crust when he burst into flames, honestly, is it any wonder she went up so quickly with all the hair spray the bi-ahem, that poor mare used every day? Oh she was like one of the torches we light for the Equestria games!’

For a few seconds the smile on Celestia’s face grew. Then it faded a bit as she realized that, while the guards might buy it and Luna could probably care less so long as she didn’t have to get up before noon, there was no way in hell Twilight or her friends wouldn’t pick up on a few subtle clues.

Like for instance how the sun would have been oh so conveniently positioned as to allow a single beam of light to be focused through first the window and then Upper Crust’s glasses producing the same effect as a magnifying glass on an ant?

Or how her grief at watching two of her subjects die horribly in front of her would likely last all of three seconds before inquiring as to whether the kitchen could make her some smores?

And so with a heavy heart Princess Celestia set aside her fantasies of watching Jet Set and Upper Crust burn as merrily as a log in a fireplace and, if only for lack of an alternative, returned her focus to what they were actually saying.

“...and furthermore why is it always the less fortunate who always reap the benefits whenever a crisis happens?” Upper Crust said with a sniff of disdain that likely had taken years to perfect. “Food drives, charity auctions, donations why they barely have to lift a hoof to get showered with goods and attention, I’d hardly call that being less fortunate!”

And just like that, she was reminded why she had imagined setting them on fire in the first place.

“I wholeheartedly agree with my husband,” Jet Set added. “It seems terribly biased that we are always holding charity events for the lower class, what about the needs of the nobility? When was the last time someone threw us a food drive?”

Celestia’s polite smile froze in place. “But...you can go out and buy food, whereas the people those events are meant to help are often so poor even basic necessities are difficult to come by.”

“Hmph, and what’s stopping them from getting jobs and working for it like the rest of us? Honestly sometimes it feels like we coddle those commoners far too much for their own good.” Upper Crust retorted.

Celestia’s smile remained, but it may as well have been painted on her face. Her gaze was flicking towards the doors now whenever Jet Set or Upper Crust weren’t looking directly at her.

‘My secretary, my defense minister, my head of foreign affairs, buck at this point I’ll take my physician with a surprise checkup just please someone ANYONE open that door and-’

As if in answer to her prayers one of the royal guards poked his head in. “Your highness? Pardon me for interrupting but Princess Twilight Sparkle is here to see you.”

She was so happy Celestia had half a mind to kiss him full on the mouth. Instead she made a mental note to invite the guard to tea later. And if she just so happened to show up with her hair done up and wearing her most striking Grand Galloping Gala dress? Well that would just be a happy coincidence.

“I’m so sorry you two, but it looks like we will have to continue this conversation another day.” Celestia said teleporting down and using her magic to (gently) push the two protesting nobles out, their hooves skidding for traction on the floor. “Honestly time just flies by around here, you wouldn’t think we’d been talking for over an hour would you?”

“In any case please be sure to make an appointment with my secretary, pick up some forms on the way out, and with any luck I should be able to see you in, oh no less than six months. Okaythankyouforvisitingtakecaremylittleponiesbyebye!”

Celestia shut the heavy doors hard enough to rattle the windows and, as soon as she heard their complaints fade off into the distance, slumped against it with a heavy sigh. “Oh praise the sun I thought that would never end.” She muttered.

It would be wrong to say Celestia actually hated the nobility, but aside from the occasional exception like Fancy Pants the rest of these meetings with Canterlot’s upper class seemed to blend into an unending drone of whining and complaining.

It was as if the thought of paying a little more, even just so others didn’t go to bed hungry or had a warm place to sleep, was some kind of personal insult. Many of these ponies already had more wealth than they would ever need yet hoarded it as fiercely as any dragon or griffon.

Celestia sat there with her back to the door eyes closed for nearly a minute enjoying the silence. Then her ears pricked up hearing her former pupil’s voice coming from the other side of the door.

“...And this one is depicting me and the girls when we harnessed our new Rainbow Forms for the first time to defeat Tirek and restore magic to all of Equestria.”

Celestia smiled without opening her eyes at the enthusiasm in Twilight’s voice as she seemed to be giving someone a brief history lesson of her adventures since moving to Ponyville, illustrated quite conveniently by the stained glass windows adorning the hall outside her throne room.

“So anytime a bad guy shows up you blast them with a laser? Man, Ronald Reagon would have loved it here.”

Celestia raised her head with interest putting an ear to the door, now here was a voice she didn’t recognize.

“Homer it’s not a laser, it’s a physical manifestation of the combined virtues and strength of the bond between me and my friends, usually cast to either subdue or purge someone of dark magic.”

“Which you shoot them with as a laser.” The new voice insisted.

“It’s not...okay I guess technically it is a laser but it’s not like we’re trying to hurt anyone when we use it!”

“Yeah that’s more the Crystal Heart’s department.” Piped up another voice, this one she recognized as Spike. “You know I asked around when we went to the Friendship games, apparently ponies in the Crystal Empire are still finding bits and pieces of King Sombra lying around.”

“Who the hell’s King Sombrero?”

“Som-bra actually, and he was the former ruler of the Crystal Empire before Princess Celestia and Princess Luna banished him to the darkness of the frozen north. He cursed the empire to vanish along with him for a thousand years until both eventually resurfaced about three years ago.” Twilight explained.

“Well that was his backstory but if we had to actually describe the guy? He just seemed like a unicorn with a thing for plate armor and purple eyeliner. To tell the truth, he didn’t last long enough to make much of an impression beyond ‘grr I’m evil’ before the Crystal Heart literally blew him to bits.”

Celestia had been so engrossed in listening she didn’t realize how close her new visitors were until she felt a few knocks on the door. With a muffled curse she teleported a few feet away, took a moment to compose herself and cleared her throat. “Come in!”

The doors opened as Twilight and Spike entered the room with Homer in the back. “Princess Celestia.” Twilight intoned as she and Spike bowed their heads in respect.

“Oh just get over here.” Celestia’s horn glowed as Spike and Twilight were enveloped in her magic and pulled into a motherly embrace. She held them close her wings draping around each one of them. “You have no idea how happy I am to see you two.” She murmured.

“Considering we just saw Jet Set and Upper Crust glaring daggers at us as we walked by? I think I can hazard a guess.” Twilight remarked giving her old mentor a smirk.

“There’s my little wiseass.” Celestia murmured with all the warmth she could muster.

Homer watched this with a smile, suddenly reminded of how often Marge liked to grab Bart and Lisa for hugs on occasion despite how much they might complain about it.

‘Aww, these kids are in good hands...or you know hooves,’ Homer thought before his brain, inevitably, started to drift. ‘But man that’s a hell of a wingspan on her, and check out at that neck! It’s like a swan and a giraffe had a baby.’

“Why thank you.”

‘Oh you’re very welc...wait’ Homer blinked, something wasn’t right. ‘Did I think that or say that?’

“You probably meant to think it but ended up saying it instead.”

“Oh,” Homer said before everything clicked and he immediately followed up with a loud ‘D’OH!’ as Celestia stood in front of him with an expression of gentle amusement. “Great, another first impression right down the toilet.”

“Oh please, that wasn’t even the worst first impression someone’s made on me today.” Celestia remarked.

“Wow your job kind of sucks huh?” Homer asked not noticing Twilight blanch at this.

Celestia let out a laugh that rivalled Marge saying ‘I love you’ and the ding of the microwave for the most beautiful sound he had ever heard. “I like to think of it more as a labor of love to look after my little ponies. Even if it does occasionally feel like herding cats.”

“Said every mother ever,” Homer said smiling again. “Homer Jay Simpson, nice to meet you.” He offered his hand and, after looking at it puzzled for a moment Celestia improvised and tapped it with her hoof.

“Princess Celestia, it’s a pleasure to meet you as well Mr. Simpson. My sister has brought me up to date on your situation and I assure you we will do everything in our power to see you return home safely.”

“Oh yeah how is Luna anyway?” Homer asked.

“Seeing what time it is? I’d hope she was fast asleep. Luna’s work during the evening can take its toll on her.”

“Yeah the graveyard shift can be a pain in the ass, I did a night shift at the Kwik-E-Mart for a while to cover the cost of paying for my daughter’s pony…” Homer trailed off as something seemed to occur to him for the first time, his expression immediately turning to panic.

“Oh my god I owned a pony, does that make me a slave owner?! It does doesn’t it?! Oh god, I’m no better than the bad guy from the last two seasons of ‘Poldark’!” He moaned.

Celestia just blinked at this. “I...can’t help but feel like I’m missing some context here.”

“Here, let me handle this,” Twilight told Celestia before turning to Homer. “Homer calm down I’m sure it’s not as bad as...whatever that last part was supposed to mean. Now listen, you said in your world ponies can’t talk, fly or cast spells correct?”

“Well, yeah.” Homer consented.

“So wouldn’t that make the pony you had more of a pet then a sentient being held against its will? I mean it’s not like your daughter abused it right?”

“Are you kidding? For a while I was pretty sure Lisa loved that pony more than me. Of course I had just screwed her over by not getting her a replacement piece for her saxophone in time for the school recital because I hit the bar first aaaaand this isn’t helping my case is it?” Homer said noticing Twilight’s eyebrow was slowly climbing.

“Not really no, but the key thing here is if the pony you owned couldn’t communicate or had any higher signs of intelligence then the need for food, water etc, then as long as you and your daughter Lisa took care of it that’s really all that matters.”

“So...I’m not a pony abusing monster to you guys?”

“Not as far as I can tell.”

“Oh thank god.” Homer said as he heaved a deep sigh of relief.

“Has it been like this since he showed up?” Celestia whispered to Spike as they watched this all unfold with rapt attention.

“My advice? Keep some popcorn handy if you know he’s going to visit again.”

“Anyway I have a more pressing question buster,” Twilight said pointing a hoof at Homer. “Since when are you on a first name basis with Princess Luna? Or even know who she is in the first place?”

“Since last night when she visited me in my sleep.” Homer replied as if this was a perfectly normal occurrence in anyone’s life.

“So why in Equestria didn’t you say anything?”

“You never asked.”

Twilight stared up at Homer her eyes slowly narrowing as she gave him a long hard squint. “...I’d swear you were being a smartass but I’ve spent just enough time around you to not be a hundred percent certain.”

“Alright, I guess technically that’s on me but Homer, the next time something happens that seems strange, even by Equestria’s standards, will you please say something?”

“Absolutely, so anyway Twilight says you wanted to meet me today, you wouldn’t happen to know a way I can get back home would you?” Homer asked.

“Not exactly, but I do have an excellent idea where Twilight can start researching how to do just that. But before we get started, may I make a small request? I only had a light breakfast before I started having visitors and I’m famished, might we have an early lunch?”

“Celestia you had me at ‘early’.” Homer said patting his stomach causing it to give a deep rumble, like a beast anticipating it’s next meal. Twilight started to point out how much he had already eaten today when a second (smaller) growl filled the air, this time coming from her own stomach.

“Oh...right, kind of forgot I was too busy patching up Homer after he went through Pinkie’s window to eat anything.” Twilight said her cheeks turning pink.

Celestia’s eyebrows shot up in alarm. “He went through whose what now?”

“It’s a long story, we might as well get some food while we talk.”

Being one of the rulers of an entire country had no shortage of perks, and within a matter of minutes all four of them were seated around a table brought in by the castle staff piled high with food. A great deal of it was fruits, vegetables and bread, but Homer had zeroed in on several pasta dishes and , after being assured he could help himself by Celestia, was stuffing his face with enough tortellini alfredo to feed a small family.

“I swear I just saw him put away a stack of pancakes taller than I am a few hours ago, where is he putting it all?” Twilight whispered to Spike as she peeked under the table at Homer’s stomach.

Her working theory was that somehow, to cope with years of physical trauma, Homer’s body had rewired itself to recover from injury faster than normal in exchange for speeding up his metabolism. Even had she not applied healing magic to his cuts from earlier in the day, the little Alicorn was beginning to suspect he would have made a full recovery in as little as a day at the rate he was eating.

“What’s up Twilight, you find a peanut down there?” Homer asked with just a smidge of hopefulness to his voice. There was a startled yelp followed by a loud thud as Twilight’s head came up too fast and knocked against the table hard enough to make it shake.

“OW! What the-oh come on!” This was followed by a great deal of grunting and creaking as the Princess of Friendship now had to try and get her horn unstuck from the bottom of the table.

“Uh Twilight have you tried-” Spike started to say before Homer cut him off.

“Relax kiddo, I’ve got this.” Homer said before he crawled under the table to join Twilight. “Okay now, we just got to get a good grip and twist!”

Spike and Celestia exchanged a look as from under the table came several much louder creaks of wood and Homer grunting in effort, above it all Twilight voicing her concerns.

“ACK! Homer you’re trying to unscrew my horn from the table not my head from my neck!”

“Sorry, sorry, here let me try twisting the other way…”

“OwowowowowowowOW! How was that supposed to work any better?!”

“What? Righty-tighty, lefty-loosey it’s pretty universal.”

“So why didn’t you twist to the left the first time?”

“I couldn’t remember if it was my left or yours.”

Celestia knocked on the table to get both of their attention. “Perhaps if a certain Alicorn were to remember she can teleport?” She asked trying not to sound too amused.

There was dead silence under the table for a few seconds before Spike and Celestia heard Homer whisper (or what he believed passed for whispering) “I think she means you.”

There was an embarrassed groan and the sound of a spell being cast before Twilight reappeared in her original seat her face red as a beet and refusing to meet anyone’s eyes. “I really wish I didn’t keep forgetting to do that all the time…”

“Now why didn’t you do that first if you don’t mind me asking Twilight? Haven’t seen you have a problem with magic up until now.” Homer wondered as he grabbed a piece of bread and started buttering it.

“Actually if Twilight doesn’t mind I’d be happy to explain,” Celestia said giving her former apprentice a reassuring smile as one of her wings pulled her in for a light hug. When Twilight gave her a small smile and nodded Celestia continued.

“With the exception of a few particularly gifted practitioners such as Twilight, most unicorns will only ever master one or two spells in their lifetime. Magic requires a great deal of focus and dedication and while there are forms of magic that benefit from raw emotion, it often gets in the way and can lead to us being distracted.”

“She’s right, I’ve lost count of how many times my magic could have gotten me and my friends out of trouble, only for me to panic and lose focus in the heat of the moment.” Twilight admitted looking down at her plate. “I may have helped save Equestria several times, but I’m a scholar at heart. Fear, panic the urge to run, in a crisis it can feel like my thoughts are pulling me in all these different directions.”

“Which is why it’s so important that Twilight remembers she has friends who she can count on to help her when she really needs it, as well as a certain number one assistant.” Spike added making Twilight give a little giggle.

“Now there’s something I won’t be forgetting anytime soon,” Twilight said as she reached over and mussed up the fins on Spike’s head a bit.

“But in any case I wanted to ask Homer, how are you liking Equestria so far? I must admit I’m a bit curious as to your thoughts on our world.” Celestia enquired.

“Well the color palette is bright and pleasant, morale among the locals seems pretty high, though I have to ask is it normal for everyone to spontaneously break into a musical number like they did on the train ride over? It happens all the time in Springfield too but I always just chalked it up to something in the water.”

“My little ponies do seem to have a song for every occasion don’t they?” Celestia said with a good natured chuckle. “You’ll get used to it, though the novelty may wear off fast once you have somewhere you need to be in a hurry and everyone is too busy singing to move things along.” There was a slight weariness to Celestia’s voice as she said this that spoke from experience.

“Preach it sister, this one time a traffic cop started singing in the middle of an intersection and I came this close to running him over with my car. Of course that was kind of an emergency, Lard Lad Donuts was having a two for one sale. Otherwise I’d like to think I’m a little better at avoiding attempted murder.”

“Don’t we all,” Celestia said under her breath before she gently cleared her throat. “Regardless can you think of anything I might be able to provide to make your stay more enjoyable?”

‘Oh my god this is it, my dream of an Olympic pool filled with ranch dressing is within reach! I just need to...wait, why am I thinking about Rarity all of a sudden?’ Indeed his initial daydream was slowly coming into conflict with a memory of the unicorn’s face when she realized he had used her new loofah.

Spike Twilight and Celestia exchanged confused looks as Homer went quiet and seemed to stare off into space for a moment. “Uh, Homer, you alright?” Twilight asked.

“Moment please, grappling with conscience.” Was all they got for an answer as he kept staring straight ahead at nothing in particular. Finally just as they started glancing at the clock Homer seemed to reach a decision giving a little sigh. “Actually there is something.”

“Before we came here we stopped by Rarity’s place so I could clean up and I sort of used her loofah without asking first. She didn’t make too big a deal about it but I did still get the feeling she was kind of upset so...is there anyway you might be able to get her a new one to replace the one I used?”

Celestia blinked slowly. “That’s...that’s it? You just want a loofah?”

“Well that and maybe if you could cover the cost to fix the window at Sugarcube Corner?” Homer asked and they could have sworn he sounded embarrassed. “I mean sure there’s plenty of stuff I want but everything I need like a place to stay, food and people I can depend on...I kind of already have it.”

There was dead silence as the other three people...equines...life forms digested this. Then one by one they smiled at Homer, each one bigger than the last.

“I think,” Celestia said as she smiled like the rising sun. “We can have that arranged. I must admit, after the morning I’ve had it is truly a breath of fresh air to witness a little selflessness.”

“Wait, that’s being selfless?” Homer blinked. “Oh my god that was exhausting, how can anybody do that all the time?”

Celestia started laughing so hard she fell on the floor.

Author's Note

Happy Holidays one and all! This was something of a gift not only to you, my readers but myself, I had been feeling like I have been slacking in my writing for, oh name a distraction (I swear I'm like a cat) but my love for this story, these shows and this fandom isn't going anywhere I can assure you :twilightsmile:

I had a lot of fun envisioning my interpretation of Princess Celestia, I actually drew a bit of inspiration from Elizabeth McCord from the show 'Madam Secretary' (which I highly recommend by the by) and a smidge of my own mother.

As one last aside, to those who haven't seen it the show Homer referenced, 'Poldark' is a show on Masterpiece Theater set shortly after the American Revolution that just recently wrapped up after five seasons. Normally historical drama isn't my thing but I quickly became sucked in.

My working canon is that Marge and Homer each have one show they watch with the other that they wouldn't normally so they can bond a little more. Marge enjoys it for the rich plot, acting and any opportunity she can get to see Aidan Turner shirtless. While Homer slowly got into it for not only the surprising amount of sex and violence but also how much he can relate to Ross Poldark, yet another man whose reckless decisions constantly puts his marriage in jeopardy.

Anyone who has watched the show will now exactly what I'm talking about :ajsmug:

Even MORE Exposition

Homer in Equestria, the Less Than Epic Saga

By Barry the Brony

Twilight stared up at the candlestick mounted on the wall. No matter what angle she looked at it there was nothing to differentiate it from any of the others adorning this particular hallway in the royal castle in Canterlot.

Yet here she was, along with Spike Homer and Princess Celestia, who after they had finished their meal had led them down a seemingly unremarkable series of hallways to this equally unremarkable fixture.

“What do you think Spike, twist or pull?” Homer asked the little dragon next to him, both of them looking at the candlestick with a surprising amount of thought.

“Tough call, it’s usually you have to pull them in the comics but I don’t have enough information to count out twisting either.” Spike replied, rubbing his chin.

“Do I even want to know what you two are talking about?” Twilight asked, glancing in their direction.

“We’re trying to figure out if Celestia is going to twist or pull on the candlestick to make the hidden passageway appear.” Homer said with the air of explaining something as normally occurring as changes in the weather.

“Look I’ll admit it is a little strange but just because Celestia led us to a random candlestick doesn’t mean it’s-” There was a click from behind her followed by a sudden grinding of concealed gears. “...A hidden passageway” She finished flatly.

“See Twilight, why be smart when you can be genre savvy?” Homer said patting her head as he followed Celestia down a staircase just a few feet beyond the entrance to where the panel in the wall had opened up.

Grumbling under her breath, Twilight followed behind them with Spike bringing up the rear. As they descended Celestia’s horn began to glow, a series of gemstones set into the wall reacting and casting the passage in a soft golden light.

“How long has this even been here?” Twilight wondered aloud.

“This passageway was built during the initial construction of Canterlot Castle,” Celestia explained as they descended. “In fact, this is the first time anyone besides my sister and I have set hoof in it since it was built centuries ago.”

“Oh yeah, that reminds me of something I’ve been meaning to ask you,” Homer said. “You mentioned over lunch you control the sun right?”

“Well if by control you mean ‘move it up and down once a day’,” Celestia replied. “It may seem impressive but really it’s just the magical equivalent of turning the lights on when you punch in at work and turning them off when you leave to go home.”

“Well yeah but you can do all that, you're over a thousand years old (not that it shows),” Homer quickly added as Celestia gave him a bemused look. “Doesn’t that make you, I dunno, Pony God?”

Celestia gave a sigh. “No but as you can imagine there were plenty of ponies in the beginning who thought exactly that. Granted it was rather flattering at first, up until the first few cults started popping up.”

“Cults?” Twilight asked, giving Celestia an odd look.

“Well ‘cult’ might be a little harsh, but a number of ponies were coming under the impression that my sister and I were tangible proof that they were the master race of the world. After all, if their rulers literally made the sun and moon orbit the planet, why shouldn’t they regard themselves as superior?”

“Well as you can imagine we had some objections with being used as an excuse to wage war on our neighbors, so we eventually sat them down and had a long talk about the problem with that sort of thinking.”

“Granted it took a few decades but those first few radicals and their descendants eventually chose to forego world domination in favor of passing out flyers on the streets and going door to door. No less relentless mind you, but considerably less dangerous.”

“I dunno lady, back where I come from once a Jehova’s Witness has your house in their sights you usually have to ward them off with a cross like a vampire before they leave you alone.”

“To be fair I said ‘less dangerous’ not ‘altogether harmless’.” Celestia remarked.

“Wait, how do you even understand what he just said?” Twilight asked.

Celestia gave a shrug. “A mixture of context and multiversal constants. Some things are the same in every dimension.”

“But wait, according to Ghostbusters aren’t you always supposed to say ‘yes’ when someone asks if you are a god?” Homer pressed on.

“If you are only looking at the short term benefits, then yes I can see why it would sound appealing. But once the awe wears off, you start getting less offerings and statues in your likeness and more uncomfortable questions like ‘why did my spouse/family member/pet hamster die?’ or ‘why did my house burn down?’.”

“Oh yeah, the old ‘why do bad things happen to good people’ thing. My god complained about that a lot too.”

“You’ve spoken directly with your god?” Celestia asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Think so, either that or I forgot to check the expiration date on the sour cream I ate before bed.”

“And why would you eat sour cream before bed?” The eyebrow climbed a little higher.

“What else am I going to put with chives and melted cheese on my late night baked potato?”

Celestia mulled this over as they reached the bottom of the stairs which then lead into a long hallway at the end of which sat an enormous stone door.

Twilight had seen her fair share of doors, magical or otherwise, but this one was definitely impressive in it’s own right. Towering over even Celestia the archway was engraved with arcane symbols and runes, and the door itself was dominated by a massive stone carving depicting the sun and moon side by side.

Curiously, in the center of each celestial body was a hoof shaped indentation. As Twilight watched Celestia stepped forward and placed a hoof inside the indentation in the carving of the sun. Half of the door’s runes and carvings began to glow the same golden hue as Celestia’s magic.

“Twilight, would you be so kind as to put your hoof in the other slot?” Celestia asked as she turned to look at her former student.

“Me? But that door was meant for you and Luna wasn’t it?” Twilight said a mixture of confusion and some anxiety on her face. Was this some sort of test?

“While it’s true the enchantment on this door was designed with me and my sister in mind, it only requires the magic of two Alicorns to break the seal. I have the utmost confidence your magic will suffice,” Celestia assured her.

Then she gave a mischievous grin. “Of course if you really feel you aren’t sure, we can always go wake my sister up. I’m sure she’d be in a perfectly reasonable mood being woken up this time of day because my former pupil doubted her worth as an Alicorn again.”

“What?! Nonono I can do this, I can absolutely do this!” Twilight yelped rushing to join Celestia and just about slamming her hoof in the indent in the center of the carving of the moon.

“Yeah I have the same problem with Marge. If it’s the weekend and she has a chance to sleep in, the last thing you want to do is wake her up before she’s ready.” Homer explained to Spike. “At that point unless you have a cup of coffee as a peace offering, the best you can do is arch your head back and hope she kills you fast by going for the jugular like a lion.”

“Is that where you got those teeth marks?” Twilight asked over her shoulder as her horn lit up. Purple magic began to flow along the lines and runes on her side of the door as it slowly entwined with Celestia’s.

“Uh right person, different circumstances and that’s all I’m going to say on the subject.” Homer said as his eyes started to dart around a little nervously, only to catch Celestia looking back at him with a grin and a conspiratorial bob of her eyebrows.

When the last of the runes were illuminated Twilight took a step back as the doorway was replaced by a shimmering portal. Giving her former student a reassuring nuzzle, Celestia went first followed by Twilight and Spike.

A second later Spike’s head popped back out of the portal. “Come on Homer you coming or what?”

Homer looked a little wary but eventually he sighed and went in after them. “Okay but if this turns out like that Jeff Goldbloom movie I’m gonna be pissed.”

Thankfully aside from a full body tingle that left all three strands of hair atop his head standing up, Homer’s body seemed to be intact following a quick pat down. He joined the rest of the group who were drinking in their new surroundings.

It was the biggest library Homer had ever seen (granted the number of those he had visited in his life were slim to begin with). Shelves upon shelves upon shelves sprawled out before them stretching back almost as far as the eye could see.

But the décor was what truly made it stand out. It seemed Luna had partially designed the interior of the library as set into the ceiling was a vast panorama of constellations dominated by a full moon.

Yet there were touches of Celestia’s presence as well as dotted amongst the shelves were large sun shaped lanterns giving off a warm amber hue. The combined effect gave the impression of street lamps illuminating the shelves underneath a starry night sky.

“No words...should...have sent...a poet.” Twilight whispered in awe, looking like she was on the verge of tears.

“Quite the sight isn’t it?” Celestia said with a note of pride in her voice. “This is where we keep the most powerful and dangerous magical research accumulated since the founding of Equestria.”

“Wow, look at all this crazy stuff,” Homer said as he looked at the labels on the nearest shelf, explaining what each scroll or book was about. “How to raise the dead, how to turn lead into gold, ooh this one tells you winning lottery numbers!” He said reaching for that last scroll.

“Ah-ah-ah!” Celestia gently chided lightly swatting at Homer’s hand with the tip of her wing. “Hands to yourself please. While very little of the knowledge here is actually malevolent, much of it is the result of attempting to use magic for quick and easy solutions to the creator’s problems.”

“Magic may be a vital part of our lives but when ponies attempt to abuse it as a shortcut, the results often come with unintentional side effects or drawbacks.”

“What do you mean?” Homer asked.

“Well, take the spell you were looking at for instance. True it tells you winning lottery numbers but it doesn’t tell you when they will come up. By the time the spell’s creator had his numbers come up he’d been dead for a good thirty years.”

“Ouch.”

“Well on the bright side it was a nice windfall for his daughter.”

Something seemed to occur to Twilight finally bringing her out of her daze. “Wait...if this is where we keep the most dangerous magic, why was the spell to go back in time in the restricted section of the Canterlot Archives? Wouldn’t it have been more secure here?”

Celestia suddenly looked a little embarrassed. “Well the official explanation is that, considering the Cutie Map only just came into being, nobody thought it was possible to supercharge the spell to the extent Starlight Glimmer did until it actually happened.”

“And the unofficial explanation?” Twilight asked arching an eyebrow.

“...Filing error.” Celestia said with a defeated sigh, hanging her head.

With that being said Celestia was on the move once again, glancing over the contents of the shelves as they passed them with everyone close behind. Poor Twilight looked like she wanted nothing more than to start grabbing things off the shelves and start reading but remembering what Celestia had said, managed to keep her hooves to herself.

Fortunately Celestia seemed to know exactly where to go and after only a few minutes of walking stopped and pulled several books from a shelf with her magic. “Here we are, tell me Twilight does this penmanship look familiar?” She asked as she opened up one of the books to show her former pupil.

“This writing...these notes were written by Star Swirl the Bearded!” Twilight said getting (somehow) even more excited then she had already been.

“Okay I’m lost.” Homer said, scratching his head.

“Star Swirl the Bearded, also known by the moniker ‘The Grandfather of Sorcery’ was one of the most important wizards in the history of the Three Tribes, just about every form of magic used by unicorns today is based on his work in some way or another. I’ve studied his work since I was a filly, but I’ve never seen these notes before.” Twilight explained as she took one of the books and set it down on a nearby table.

“That’s because this particular research was deemed far too dangerous to risk having it become public knowledge,” Celestia explained as they gathered around the open book which was full of incredibly complex arcane symbols and mathematical equations. It looked like a collaboration between Stephen Hawking and J.R.R Tolkien. “You are looking at Star Swirl’s research on inter-dimensional travel.”

“Inter-dimensional? Wait, that's like going from one reality to another isn’t it, you know parallel universes and all that?” Homer asked. There was a pregnant pause as Twilight, Spike and even Celestia looked at him in surprise. “What?”

“Oh uh, nothing it’s just well, it’s a bit surprising to me that you know what that means.” Twilight admitted, hoping dearly Homer didn’t take offense.

“Pfft, look Twilight, I’d be the first person to tell you I’m not the sharpest knife in the...uh, place where you keep the knives,” Homer said stumbling for a moment before he seemed to regain his train of thought. “But the nice thing about where I come from is, even if you have no idea what something is all about, if you see enough movies and television certain concepts can and will be beaten over your head until the heat death of the universe.”

“Time travel, genetic engineering, and definitely inter-dimensional gateways. You can’t even throw a stick without hitting a television or movie script that has a giant hole open in the sky at the third act these days.”

“So, it’s not so much you have an intimate knowledge of how it works, so much as you’ve seen the concept be used so much in stories where you come from that you recognize it as a plot device?” Spike asked, scratching his head.

“Exactly. Oh! Uh, sorry Celestia, didn’t mean to interrupt. Please continue?” Homer asked, looking a bit sheepish that he had blundered into what sounded like an important bit of exposition from the princess.

“No worries Homer, I’m in no rush,” Celestia said, inclining her head with a smile before she cleared her throat. “It all began in the aftermath of our victory over Discord, while we were eventually successful in sealing him in stone with the power of the Elements of Harmony, it wasn’t until after a prolonged conflict where Equestria was subject to his mad whims for centuries.”

“During that time much of the land was saturated in chaos magic for the longest time, giving rise to all manner of strange and inexplicable phenomena. In fact one such area that was especially soaked in chaos magic was the land which would eventually become Ponyville.”

“I think I’ve read about that. It’s supposedly the reason why everything in the Everfree Forest is so strange. Everything from the Timberwolves to the Parasprites are mutations created by the residual chaos magic running rampant as these organisms evolved. Even the weather is unpredictable.” Twilight said.

“Precisely, the Everfree Forest is a constantly shifting environment, some days it is tranquil enough for ponies to venture to and from without much difficulty, other days it is a near impenetrable maze infested with dangerous creatures. Only a scant few like Zecora are in tune with nature enough to safely reside there.”

“But unlike the Everfree Forest, the greatest effect of our struggles with Discord was not visible to the naked eye. You see as a result of our battles, the clashing magic had worn the walls between our world and others dangerously thin. It was now possible to, with sufficient power, create rifts between dimensions like the one Homer came through.”

“Enter Starswirl. Now, this may come as a surprise Twilight, but compared to what Equestria used to endure in the earliest days following the country’s founding, you and your friends have brought about several years of relative peace and harmony in the land.”

“I’m sorry, peace?!” Twilight just about squawked. “What about Nightmare Moon? O-or Discord, or Chrysalis or King Sombra or Tirek? What about all the monster attacks and ponies like Trixie and Starlight Glimmer? How is that considered peaceful?”

“True, to someone as young as you Twilight, Equestria does seem to have no shortage of dangers to overcome and villains to vanquish but consider this. Major threats such as the ones you describe usually rear their heads roughly once or twice a year. In the time I speak of, such powerful foes were an almost constant threat to us.”

Everyone went quiet as Celestia gave them a moment to process that, even Homer looked a little surprised. After all, before Twilight had shown him some of the villains depicted in the stained glass windows in the castle, he’d had a hard time imagining Equestria dealing with any villain more dangerous than someone Adam West would lay out with an action bubble.

“Quite a sobering thought isn’t it?” Celestia admitted as she looked away, her eyes taking on a distant look. “It seemed like every day brought some new threat. Beasts of solid stone, demons of red hot magma, and one time Equestria was almost turned into a frozen tundra by legions of fascist penguins.”

“Fascist penguins?” Even Homer was giving Celestia an odd look at that one. “I mean sure there was that one Disney movie where the hyenas were basically Nazi’s but that seems a little far fetched.”

“Believe me, as strange as it may sound there was little amusement in seeing tens of thousands of armored penguins waddling in lockstep through the streets of Canterlot,” Celestia gave a small shudder. “Those were dark days indeed.”

“Back then we were constantly under siege and trying to figure out how to keep such foes contained once vanquished. While we had finished constructing the prison that would come to be known as Tartarus, Starswirl worried that having too many nefarious creatures and villains confined in one place was a recipe for disaster. So he began to experiment with the idea of banishing such threats beyond our realm altogether.”

She turned a page in the book showing an illustration of a bearded unicorn, presumably Starswirl judging by the start patterns in his cloak and pointy hat, casting a spell and sending three strange scaly creatures through a portal. They looked to be some hybrid of fish and equine, with one having purple scales, one blue and the last one a light orange.

“Now in theory, this idea does have merit, but can anyone tell me the biggest problem with this solution?” Celestia asked, smiling at how Twilight’s hoof immediately shot up. “While I’m sure you know the answer Twilight, why don’t we let someone else give it a try. Homer?”

“What, me? Uh no offense Celestia but if you’re expecting me to come up with an answer without seeing it in a movie first we’re going to be here a while.”

“Homer, from what I’ve seen of you so far, I have full confidence that you are smarter than many would first think, perhaps even yourself. Just give it a try, if it’s truly too difficult I won’t hold it against you.” She said with a warm reassuring tone.

‘Aw geez, does she have to remind me so much of mom? I don’t want to disappoint her, but how am I supposed to know the answer here? I mean Twilight’s pretty sharp when it comes to magic, I wish I could just give the question over to her like when I throw my trash in Flander’s ya-’

Homer’s eyes bugged out as realization hit him like a lightning bolt. “Oh...my...god I know the answer. I know the answer to the question!” He said slapping his hands over his head in shock. Noticing the way Twilight and Spike were looking at him he quickly added. “Uh, that’s probably a bigger deal for me then it is for you guys.”

“Well Homer, can you tell us what the problem with Star Swirl’s experiment was?” Celestia pressed, her smile widening as she could sense Homer was close.

“Because...if he throws the bad guys into another dimension,” Homer said slowly working through it, his eyes squinting in intense thought. “Even if it solves the problem for here...it creates a new problem for wherever they get sent! Right?”

Celestia beamed like the rising sun. “That is correct Homer, well done.”

“WOOHOO!” Homer whooped, throwing his fists in the air before something floated in front of his face enveloped in Celestia’s magic. “Oooh, cookie, don’t mind if I do!”

“...Did you just give Homer a cookie for getting the question right like a little kid?” Twilight asked, giving her old mentor an odd look while Homer scarfed down the cookie in a spray of crumbs.

Celestia shrugged even as she took a bite out of another cookie she had seemingly produced from somewhere within her wings. “You are never too old to learn something new, plus I had a few of these squirreled away from my last raid on the royal kitchen so it seemed like a good opportunity.”

“Mmm, positive reinforcement.”

“So what Homer means is, Star Swirl was trying to solve a problem here in Equestria by making a new problem for somewhere else?” Spike asked.

“Unfortunately yes. While Star Swirl truly had the best intentions with this endeavor, he was too short sighted in the ramifications of his work. As daunting as it was dealing with all manner of assorted monsters and villains, we often had at least some knowledge of how to combat them or where they came from.”

“But in banishing them to another world, we were exposing the inhabitants of these worlds to foes they may very well have no idea how to handle. In the worst case scenario, a world that had never even known conflict before could be overrun by such dangerous beings and reduced to utter ruin.”

“So you explained all of that to Star Swirl so he could discontinue his experiments for the greater good?” Twilight asked.

Celestia...gave an embarrassed cough looking away for a moment. “Well, while I was eventually able to understand where he was coming from, when I first found out Star Swirl had begun to do this without notifying me first, my initial reaction was a bit more...visceral?”

“Ripped him a new one?” Homer guessed.

“Several actually,” Celestia admitted her cheeks turning an adorable shade of pink. “So the research was kept here and we proceeded with keeping as many of these foes in Tartarus as we safely could. Thankfully aside from Tirek and a rogue Bugbear, we’ve managed to keep the denizens safely contained.”

“Is that why you wanted us to reform Discord, and why you gave me your blessing to take in Starlight Glimmer as my pupil?” Twilight asked.

“Yes Twilight, instead of throwing away these beings like they were nothing more than trash, seeing you and your friends, particularly Fluttershy, convince Discord to use his magic for less selfish reasons was a perfect example of what I would like to do someday for more of the prisoners in Tartarus. I truly believe that most of them, perhaps even Tirek, could be capable of friendship someday.”

"But at the very least, now this research can be put to a better use in helping us return Homer back to his world where he belongs. While we are happy to have you here as a guest, I’m sure there are many in your world who miss you deeply.” Celestia said, giving Homer a sympathetic look.

“Well with your permission Celestia I’d like to take this research back to the castle and start going over it in detail,” Twilight said as she lifted up the book with her magic, only to look surprised as it was pulled away from her and floated over to Celestia.

“And I will be happy to let you do just that,” Celestia said, giving Twilight a level look. “Just as soon as I get your word that you will only use this knowledge to find a way home for Homer, and not to experiment for the sake of your own curiosity, understand?”

“Of course, you can count on me Princess Celestia.” Twilight said, perhaps a bit too quickly for Celestia’s liking as despite giving the book another tug with her magic it refused to budge from the grip of Celestia’s own magic.

“You know the words I want to hear Twilight.” Celestia said allowing the corner of her mouth to lift a little. Realizing there was no getting out of this Twilight sighed.

“Okay I get it,” She cleared her throat. “I solemnly swear only to use the knowledge of inter-dimensional travel within this book for the sake of helping Homer get back home. Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.”

Celestia smiled and handed her former pupil both the book and a little something else to show her appreciation. Twilight had to admit, they were good cookies.

Author's Note

Exposition is easy. Presenting it in a way that doesn't put the reader OR the writer to sleep? Not so much :twilightsheepish:

I hope this update comes as a pleasant surprise to everyone as they ride out these strange days, as I've said before I have no intention of abandoning this story. In fact I would like to take a moment to thank my friend and colleague Azure Dragon for showing me that telling a good story is a marathon, not a race. Nonetheless it is always exciting to get an update out and see what people think. Stay safe, wash your hands and most importantly? Be there for one another, we're all in this together :twilightsmile:

The Natives are Restless AND Adorable

Homer in Equestria: The Less than Epic Saga

By Barry the Brony

As much as Celestia would have liked her guests to stay she could only delay the rest of her royal duties for so long. So after bidding her farewell Twilight Spike and Homer returned to Ponyville on the next train, getting off at the station just as the sun was at its highest in the sky.

Twilight was, to no one’s surprise, already nose deep in her new book. Like many people who have a passion for books, Twilight had trained herself to rely enough on peripheral vision that she could continue reading while walking and still be ready to move out of someone’s way if they approached from the other direction.

With nothing better to do, Spike was laying on her back catching a quick nap, snoring softly, leaving Homer at the back of the line just taking in the scenery. Currently they were walking through the part of the local wilderness where the annual Running of the Leaves event took place every year.

For the longest time Homer had spent his life in a town where trees survived mainly by becoming heavily mutated by toxic waste and the air carried the faint but persistent smell of burning rubber. To be in such pristine surroundings was something of a new experience for him.

Speaking of smells, Homer suddenly stopped short as his nostrils flared, catching a scent that, while familiar, seemed out of place in the middle of the woods. Regardless his stomach gurgled a command spurring him to stray from the path as Twilight walked on, oblivious.

Following the scent, Homer came across a curious site. A slice of warm apple pie on a plate lying in the middle of a clearing.

“Ooh, ground pie!” Homer cooed snatching up the plate and digging in without a moment’s hesitation. It wasn’t until the third bite that he paused and seemed to mull something over.

“Wait...something’s off here,” Homer said, squinting his eyes in thought. “I can feel it-”

There was a whistling sound followed by a loud meaty ‘thunk’ as a blowdart seemed to magically sprout from Homer’s neck. “Right...in...my...NECK!!!”

With a panicked squeal he dropped the plate and turned to run, but something was wrong. His limbs felt like they were made of lead, his attempted run for safety more of a frantic power walk. There was another puff of air and another dart stuck in his back from a different direction.

“Gotta shake ‘em...gotta find help...gotta stop speaking in fragments!” Homer tried to throw off his attackers by running in random directions, but as two more darts hit him his movements were becoming increasingly sluggish.

Already out of breath Homer slumped against a tree for support, only to flinch as several more stings impacted him. Turning his head he grimaced at the sight of four more darts sticking out of his backside.

“Heyyyyyy….” He whined before he toppled over and hit the ground like a sack of rocks. After a moment of silence, save for Homer’s snoring, four little bushes scattered throughout the area sprouted legs and approached.

“Wow, look at the size of it! Guess we got to be Cutie Mark Creatures Catchers after all.”

“We didn’t hurt it did we?”

“Naw the mucus from those frogs just knocks you out in a dose that big. Good thing we made extra darts.”

“Well we better take it back to the camp so you can take some notes Critter, come on girls!”

As Homer’s unconscious body was dragged away by the tiny shrubs, Twilight was elsewhere still nose deep in her book.

“Well, if we’re going to be at all safe about opening a gateway to another world, it looks like I’m going to need as many details about your world as you can give me Homer,” Twilight said aloud as she walked. “Anything you can tell me off the top of your head? Homer?”

For the first time in hours Twilight looked up from the book and turned her head. She paled as she realised Homer was nowhere in sight and quickly nudged Spike. “Spike? Spike, wake up!”

“SnnnrrrrRRRRrrrr...aww Rarity you remembered our anniversary? You know how much I like it when you break out the maid costume…” Spike mumbled causing Twilight to blush a little.

“I knew nothing good would come from those cheap supermarket romance novels.” She sucked in a deep breath. “SPIKE WAKE UP HOMER’S GONE!”

The little dragon leapt up like a startled cat with a holler and hit the ground. “Huh, what? Who's gone?”

“Homer, he was right behind us a minute ago!” Twilight said before she scrunched up her face. “Or...was it an hour ago? Ugh I always lose track of time when I’m reading!”

“Okay don’t panic, let’s just retrace our steps. I’m sure he didn’t go far.” Spike said immediately assuming the familiar role of the voice of reason in a time of crisis for the little Alicorn.

“Retrace our steps, okay yeah, good idea.” Twilight said taking a few deep breaths. As Spike hopped back on top of her for a lift she dashed back in the direction they had come until she skidded to a stop. “Look Spike, Homer’s footprints go this way!”

Following them along this new path Twilight and Spike soon found the clearing where he had been ambushed. “Okay so, it looks like Homer came this way stopped and then...wait is that a plate?” Spike looked over Twilight’s shoulder seeing a dropped dinner plate on the ground.

Lifting it up with her magic Twilight sniffed at the crumbs and slight residue still on it. “Some kind of pastry, smells like...apple pie?”

“Twilight over here!” Turning she saw Spike had dismounted once more and was standing by what looked like a trench in the dirt. “Looks like something big was dragged this way, and here, hoofprints!”

Twilight peered closer at all the tiny hoofprints, blinked and then gave a sigh partially out of relief but also partially out of irritation. “Tiny hoofprints, signs of a ruckus, gee I wonder who could be behind this?” She grumbled.

“Okay well it looks like Homer’s not in as much danger as he could be, but we better move fast. I really wish I could have warned him first before he had a run in with those three…”

When Homer came to with a groan, he was on his side, his hands and feet were bound with rope.

“Whazzhaplegning?” Homer mumbled out, his speech slurred to the point of being nearly impossible to understand. Maybe it had to do with why the inside of his mouth tasted like paint and everything was awash in psychedelic colors?

Said colors seemed to take the shape of a tiny dark green unicorn watching him with big chocolate brown eyes. “Easy big fella, we’re not going to hurt you.” She said reaching out with a hoof and patting his side.

The filly had brown hair held back in a little ponytail, saddlebags on either side of her body hiding her Cutie Mark and pushed up on her head was what looked like a pair of goggles attached to a headband she could pull over her eyes.

Speaking of which, the filly’s horn glowed a dull burnt orange as the goggles slid in place and her magic turned a dial, making the lenses extend like a microscope. “Wow, I guess you were right Apple Bloom, your family’s pies do make good bait.”

“Told you Critter, all we had to do was set a piece of fresh pie and who knows what will come running for a bite!” Another filly entered Homer’s line of sight, this one a soft yellow colored earth pony with orange eyes whose red hair was decorated by a big pink bow.

“Well I’m glad it worked, but are we sure it’s really a wild animal? I mean it does have clothing on, and I’m pretty sure I heard it say something before we hit it with the darts.” This filly was an orange pegasus with purple eyes and hot pink hair, her tiny wings giving the occasional buzz.

“What about those Diamond Dogs my sister told us about? They can talk and wear clothes but from what she said they don’t seem all that bright.” The last member of the quartet was another unicorn whose coat was a similar shade of white as Rarity, with purple hair and bright green eyes regarding Homer curiously.

“Well only one way to find out,” Critter pulled her goggles up to her forehead again and cleared her throat. “Can...you...understand...what...I’m...saying?” She said slowly and loudly.

Homer tried to speak again, but whatever the fillies had knocked him out with had some serious kick because all he could manage was “Hassshlefasshlegurghur..”.

“I think it’s either speaking another language or it hit it’s head a lot harder on the way down then we thought,” Scootaloo said tilting her head. “Not sure you’re going to get much out of talking to it, Critter.”

“Yeah, I thought maybe if we could communicate with it we could get in the newspaper and they’d give us medals,” Critter said looking down with a dejected expression. “Guess we better let it go, not really fair to keep it here all tied up.”

‘Oh thank you merciful god.’ Homer thought relief coursing through him as it looked like things were looking up.

“Ooh, I know! Let’s tag it so we can track it down again, maybe next time it will lead us to it’s herd!” Critter said perking right back up.

“Oh can I do it Critter? I always wanted to try piercing someone’s ears!” Sweetie Bell said as she used her magic to hold up a hole puncher and gave it a few clicks for emphasis.

‘DAMN YOU MERCIFUL GOD!’

“Having fun are we girls?”

Four fillies simultaneously stiffened up at the voice that had come from behind them. Four little faces tilted back and saw Twilight standing over them with an irritated look while Spike sat on her back.

“Oh! Uh, hi Twilight, hi Spike! Fancy meeting you two all the way out here.” Apple Bloom said, giving them a wide smile.

Twilight still looked unhappy, but she allowed herself to smile back a little. Staying mad at the Crusaders was like trying to stay mad at a litter of puppies. “Hello Apple Bloom, mind explaining why you have a friend of mine hog tied on the ground?”

“Friend?” Scootaloo blinked and looked back at where Homer was still laying, making the occasional attempt to say something resembling words.

“Yes, this is Homer, he’s from out of town and will be staying here for a little while. Say hello Homer.”

“Heghfhlegha…”

“...Girls, why is he talking like that and why are his pupils so big?” Twilight felt her left eye twitch a little.

Apple Bloom, Scootaloo and Sweetie Bell (who had wisely decided to ditch the hole puncher) turned as one and looked expectantly at Critter who looked positively stunned. “I think that’s your department.” Apple Bloom said, nudging her.

The little jostle seemed to set Critter off like someone tossing a lit match on top of a pile of fireworks. “Oh my gosh are you really Twilight Sparkle?! I’ve always wanted to meet an Alicorn, I have so many questions!” She started bouncing up and down in place with an energy that made Twilight draw back in alarm.

“Do you have to eat more now that you have wings? Are you physically stronger because you have access to earth pony magic too? Oh I’d give my left hoof to get some samples, can I have some of your hair?!” The excited grin Critter had on her face was dangerously close to manic.

A wide eyed Twilight and Spike exchanged a look. “Is this what I seem like to other ponies?” She whispered, to which Spike replied with a shrug and a ‘so-so’ gesture with his claw.

“Well, tell you what uh…?”

“Critter.”

“Oh yeah, Rarity mentioned you were spending time with the Crusaders today,” Twilight said mostly to herself. “Okay Critter you tell me what you girls did to Homer and promise never to do it again? I’ll think about giving you a lock of my hair.”

“Oh! Well not much to say really, there’s a species of frog nearby that when you lick it makes you all groggy and see lots of pretty colors. I wanted to test using it to catch animals for study, and the Crusaders offered to help!”

“That’s right Twilight, Critter carved us some blowguns out of sticks, see?” Sweetie Bell and the others pulled out four tiny blowguns. “Plus Applebloom brought the pie we used for bait, I helped make the ghillie suits and Scootaloo even let us take a few feathers for the darts.”

Twilight was torn. On one hoof she was kind of impressed the four fillies had managed to come up with and coordinate this little scheme. On the other hoof she was pretty sure this fell under kidnapping which really shouldn’t be encouraged on general principle.

Then something occurred to her. “Wait why in the world were you licking random frogs out in the woods?”

Critter shrugged. “The bright colors made me think it was made out of candy.”

“I’m thinking you should lend Cheerilee some books on outdoor safety for her class. Otherwise it sounds like she’s heading for a lawsuit.” Spike said under his breath to Twilight who could only nod in agreement.

“Okay so how many darts did you hit him with?” Twilight asked the girls.

“Well one should have been enough according to Critter. But when the big fella started running after the first dart hit him we were worried he was going to get away so we just kept shootin’” Applebloom said.

“Yeah we had two darts each and I think we went through all of them by the time Homer hit the ground.” Sweetie Bell added.

“Meaning he’s got eight doses of this stuff running through his system, great.” Twilight sighed. “Well we’ve got two choices, either we drag him back to Sugarcube Corner and let him sleep it off-”

“Oh um, if you’re going to do that you should probably leave him with some snacks. For some reason after I licked that frog I got really hungry.” Critter said.

“If Homer gets any hungrier he’s going to put those Parasprites we had to deal with to shame,” Twilight remarked. “Luckily I think I know just the spell to fix him.”

She approached Homer’s prone body as her horn began to glow, leaning down and giving his stomach a gentle poke with it. A strange series of rumbling sounds began to come from Homer’s belly which culminated in his cheeks bulging.

Twilight’s hair fluttered from the force of the enormous belch Homer let out, a dozen big green bubbles escaping into the air until his pupils shrank back down to normal size.

“Well, silver lining to all of this, it turns out that the detox spell I learned in case we had another outbreak of Poison Joke works just fine,” Twilight said, sounding rather pleased. “How are you feeling Homer?”

“Fighnaghn.”

“Oh no it’s too late, we turned his brain to mush!” Sweetie Bell wailed.

“Don’t panic, I think I know the problem,” Twilight reassured her before she turned back to Homer. “Okay Homer? Try thinking what you want to say before you actually say it.”

Homer looked up at her a little annoyed. “Why does everyone keep telling me that? Wait,” He blinked in realization.

“I can talk, I can TALK! Oh god bless your witchcraft Twilight Spackle, I’ll never take the ability to order at the Krusty Burger drive-through for granted again!” He started kissing Twilight’s hooves like a peasant before a, well, princess.

Twilight just stared down at Homer with a look that clearly said she had problems with just about everything she had just heard but wasn’t sure where to start. “Witchcraft? Drive-through? Spackle?!Homer my name is Twilight Sparkle, I’m the Princess of Friendship, not the Princess of Home Improvement.”

Homer paused in the middle of kissing a hoof. “Princess of Friendship? Boy you really drew the short straw when they were handing out titles. ”

And just like that the twitch in Twilight’s eye was back. Especially when she started to hear a certain someone on her back trying not to laugh.

“Something you would like to add to the conversation Spike?” She hissed her head twisting around to glare daggers at the little dragon.

All too used to such behavior, Spike simply gave her a look of what he likely considered angelic innocence. Which it was, assuming said angel was named Lucifer.

Looking past Twilight Homer finally noticed the four fillies standing behind her. “Huh, so I didn’t hallucinate you kids.”

“Nope, Homer I’d like you to meet Scootaloo, Applebloom, Sweetie Bell, and Critter,” Twilight said, gesturing with a hoof to each filly as she named them. “Or as the first three are more widely known around here-”

“Wait wait wait! He doesn’t know who we are?” Scootaloo interrupted her eyes growing wide. “Girls we can do the thing!”

“The thing?” Sweetie Bell asked, looking confused.

“What thing?” Applebloom added.

“You know the thing we used to do before we got our Cutie Marks!” Scootaloo was hopping up and down from excitement.

“Ohh, you mean that thing!” Applebloom said as realization dawned, Sweetie Bell not far off behind her.

“Oh that’s a great idea we haven’t done that in forever!” Sweetie Bell said her voice actually breaking in mid sentence and coming off as a squeak.

Twilight and Spike watched with a growing sense of dread as Scootaloo, Applebloom and Sweetie Bell lined up, while Homer and Critter just looked confused.

“We are…” The little fillies chorused before they took a deep breath, to the point their little chests puffed out.

“Oh sun and stars no,” Twilight whispered, her pupils shrinking. “Everyone cover your ears!”

“Why what are they-” Homer never got a chance to finish that sentence.

“THE CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS YAY!!!” Birds took flight from nearby trees, animals ran from the underbrush in a panic and more than a few citizens in Ponyville stopped what they were doing to check for thunderclouds overhead as the Crusaders gave a full throated cheer that rivaled Luna’s Royal Canterlot Voice for sheer volume.

Unfortunately for Homer, unlike in his dream, his eardrums had no protection this time from the force of the cheer. “OW SONUVABITCH!” He roared, clapping his hands to his ears.

“Oh my gosh, Wynona had a puppy?!” Applebloom asked in excitement.

“Sorry Applebloom, I think Homer was just using a bit of colorful language,” Twilight said as she, Spike and Critter took their hooves/claws off their ears. “Which he really should think twice about doing in front of children I might add.” She said looking a little annoyed.

“WHAT?!” Homer hollered.

“I said you should think twice before using that kind of language in front of children!” Twilight said a little louder.

“I STILL CAN’T HEAR YOU! ALSO ARE MY EARS BLEEDING?”

“I SAID-oh nuts to this.” Twilight lit up her horn and zapped Homer in the side of the head with a bolt of green energy that wriggled into his ear and, after a few seconds and some very interesting noises from him, popped out the other one. “There better?”

“Actually yeah, thanks.” Homer said twisting a finger in one ear for good measure.

“Just how many healing spells did you pick up from Cadence anyway?” Spike asked.

“Judging from how quickly I’m going through them, not nearly enough.” Twilight muttered.

“Um, Homer?” A little voice made him look down and see Critter, who was looking down at the ground. “I’m sorry we, you know…” Her little cheeks burned with embarrassment.

“Drugged and kidnapped me? Eh these things happen. Honestly you kids remind me of the little monsters I have waiting for me back home.” He said with a smile patting her head.

“Wait seriously?” Twilight gave Homer an odd look. “They hog tie you and pump you full of frog slime and you hardly bat an eye?”

“Actually it’s not slime, it’s mucus.” Critter interjected, giving a nervous giggle and rubbing the back of her head when Twilight arched an eyebrow. “Not that it’s really that important I guess.”

“Well at the very least I got free pie out of it and like I said I’m used to this sort of stuff. Heck, my son Bart once got me sent to a mental hospital, compared to that this is pretty tame.” Homer explained. “Though I do appreciate you showing up when you did Twilight. I would have never heard the end of it from my kids if I came home with pierced ears.”

“We’re sorry about that too Homer,” Sweetie Bell said as she, Scootaloo and Applebloom came over and sat down next to Critter. “It’s been a while since we helped someone with their special talent, guess we got carried away.”

Twilight looked from between the Crusaders and Homer before she sighed.

“Well as long as you learned your lesson and promise not to do it again I don’t see why I can’t let this slide just this once. From now on if you want to help Critter catch animals you need to make sure it’s not on any sapient life for the same reason I don’t dissect any life form that can do basic mathematics for research.” Twilight said ignoring the looks she was getting from Homer and Spike.

“Cross our heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in our eye.” All four fillies intoned.

“I do have one question, what’s a Cutie Mark?” Homer asked.

“A Cutie Mark shows you what your special talent in life is. It will only show up when you discover what it is though, the three of us became friends trying to find ours, and now we help other ponies either discover or better understand their Cutie Marks.” Applebloom explained.

“We got ours at the same time, so in a way we’re connected even closer than just our friendship.” Scootaloo added as all three of them turned a bit and showed Homer the near identical marks on their flanks save for a variation in the design unique to each filly.

Homer looked a bit wary. “Uh, not to poke holes in a lifelong journey or anything but doesn’t that raise a lot of alarming questions about whether any of you actually have free will?”

Four fillies exchanged looks as they seemed to consider this, before they gave a collective shrug and a chorus of ‘I dunno’

“Besides Homer,” Twilight said, giving a tiny smirk. “I thought questions only lead to answers which are complicated and often terrifying?”

“Hey that’s kind of like what I told you this morn-ohhhh, clever girl.” Homer said looking rather pleased with the little princess, reaching down and scratching behind her ears.

“What’s with that weird sound Twilight’s making?” Scootaloo asked the others as they watched the princess of friendship turn to putty in Homer’s hands.

“She kind of sounds like Opal when she comes into my room at night and drapes herself across my neck.” Sweetie Bell replied.

“Aww, that sounds sweet.” Applebloom cooed.

“It is, just as long as I keep petting her, otherwise the claws come out.”

“Ouch.”

Author's Note

Hey how about that, the Cutie Mark Crusaders finally made an appearance, guess that tag isn't a typo after all :ajsmug:

But yes a pretty low impact chapter to introduce Critter properly and give the audience (hopefully) a few good laughs. Critter is largely based on the Handler from Monster Hunter World and it's expansion Iceborne, a game I have sunk god knows how many hours into and would happily recommend to anyone looking for a game with some depth.

This was the first time I have ever tried to write for the Crusaders and you know what? It's harder then you'd think, so just as I said before with Rarity, the writers who DO make stellar content with them have my profound respect :twilightsmile:

Night Time Reflection

Homer in Equestria: The Less Than Epic Saga

By Barry the Brony

After the excitement in the forest it was decided that Critter and the CMC should probably call it a day. Escorting them back to town along with Homer and Spike, they bid the fillies goodbye but not before Twilight honored her promise to Critter by providing her with not one, but three locks of her hair for study.

It took a good six minutes for Critter to stop squealing.

Yet when they all arrived at Sugarcube Corner they were greeted by a fresh mystery. Taped to the front door was a note with the words ‘To Homer’ written on it. At least that’s what they thought it said, it was hard to tell underneath all the glitter, confetti and stickers.

“Well gee, I wonder who left it.” Spike said with as much snark as he felt the situation deserved, namely all of it.

“Okay I get that it’s for me but uh, you guys sure it’s not going to explode or something?” Homer asked.

Twilight started to make a remark, then she remembered who they were talking about and gave it a little more thought. “Okay, I can’t promise it won’t explode, but I can promise Pinkie would never intentionally harm anyone so I’m….ninety percent sure it’s safe to open?”

“Good enough for me,” Homer pulled the note off the door and unfolded it, squinting as he read what had been scribbled inside. “It says ‘prepare for a surprise pounce’. Wait, how can you prepare for something if it’s meant to be a sur-”

The door burst open as a pink and orange blur launched itself at Homer hitting him in the midsection and knocking him a good five feet back flat on his ass.

Pinkie Pie, who for reasons known only to her, the author and God was dressed as a tiger, bounced up and down on Homer’s stomach.

“Hiya Homer! I wanted to give you a surprise hug/pounce when you got back but then I remembered you asked for warning the next time I showed up all of a sudden so I left you a note! Did it work?”

“Well lemme check,” Homer reached underneath Pinkie and patted himself down. “Pants are dry!” He said, giving her a thumb’s up.

“YAAAAAAAAAAY!” Pinkie cheered.

Twilight just stared blankly at all of this before she let out a long sigh. “Okay, that’s it, I’m clocking out. He’s all yours Pinkie.”

“You sure you don’t want to stay for dinner Twilight?” Pinkie asked as she hopped off of Homer’s stomach.

Twilight couldn’t help but give a slight twitch at the thought of spending any more time with Homer after the day she’d already had, and that was without the added presence of Pinkie Pie. But she knew her friend meant well.

“I appreciate the offer Pinkie really, but it’s been a long day,” Twilight said. “And I have an even longer night ahead of me getting started on figuring out how to get Homer home. The sooner I get to work the better.”

“Aww, well you know you’re welcome to stop by anytime you like Twilight!” Pinkie chirped, giving the little Alicorn a hug and then giving a second one to Spike.

“Hang on Twilight, wasn’t there something you were going to give Homer?” Spike interjected.

“Something I was going to-” Twilight started to say before her eyes lit up. “Oh! Oh wow I completely forgot, thank you Spike! Homer, this is for you.” Twilight used her magic to summon something seemingly out of thin air and floated the object over to Homer.

“Oh it’s a...book.” Homer said trying to sound at least a little enthusiastic. Homer had a very limited knowledge of literature unless it was ‘Magic School Bus’ ‘Little Critter’ or ‘Berenstain Bears’. But hey, a gift was a gift.

“Actually it’s a journal to be precise.” Twilight explained. “When I first moved to Ponyville, I had a hard time settling in, but writing my thoughts down as I experienced life here really helped put things in perspective. So I thought maybe you might like to do the same.”

Homer looked down at Twilight with surprise. “You...actually think my thoughts are worth putting down on paper?”

Twilight looked up at Homer a little confused, but she didn’t hesitate to nod. “Well yeah, I don’t see why not.”

“Huh, that’s a first. Thanks Twilight, that was really sweet of you.” He said patting her gently on top of the head.

Somehow the earnestness in his voice when he said that made the whole day worthwhile to Twilight, smiling up at him.

“That’s what friends are for.” She said nuzzling his hand. “Alright Homer, I think Pinkie can take it from here, but I’ll see you at the castle tomorrow okay?”

“Bye Homer! Bye Pinkie!” Spike called waving from his perch on Twilight’s back as they walked away. Homer and Pinkie waved back until they were out of sight before they went in to join the rest of the Cakes for dinner.

Considering how much craziness had happened that day, the evening was surprisingly quiet, at least by pony standards. Pumpkin kept trying to eat the buttons on Homer’s outfit, and Pinkie asked a million questions about his day, but once dinner was done and it was time for bed, it wasn’t long before the lights in Sugarcube Corner went out one by one.

Soon the only light on in the building was the lamp next to Pinkie’s bed up in her room. Rarity had dropped off some more clothing for Homer while he was in Canterlot, so now he was sitting up in Pinkie’s bed in simple but well made pajamas with Pinkie curled up next to him wearing a rather adorable onesie.

Homer stared down at the open journal in his hands, tapping the blank page with a pencil as if that would magically make words start to appear (hey, it was Equestria, as far as he was concerned all bets were off). He wanted to write something, but where to begin?

“Hmm, how do they always start an entry in Star Trek again? Oh yeah.” Homer stuck his tongue out of the corner of his mouth as he slowly began to write.

Homer’s Log

Stardate...uh, The Day After Yesterday.

My first full day in Equestria has come to an end. Since I woke up I went tumbling down a hidden fun slide, went face first through a window, almost exposed myself to a couple of the locals, made a princess laugh so hard she fell out of her chair, listened to a CRAPLOAD of exposition from said princess, and was drugged and hogtied by a bunch of kids with no volume control.

Pretty typical tuesday all things considered

For the first time in my life I understand my daughter’s obsession with ponies. Granted the one Lisa had didn’t talk and liked to poop where she stood (not that I wouldn’t like to do the same, but you know, got to be polite and all that). Honestly if the ponies back home were like the ones here? I would have bought one for Lisa ages ago.

Homer paused in his writing hearing Pinkie murmur something in her sleep. Reaching over he stroked her hair causing her to give a happy noise before she quieted back down.

Giving the matter a little thought, Homer gave a very quiet chuckle and added another line to what he had already written

And maybe one for me too.

Everyone assures me they’ll do everything they can to get me home but the funny thing is, I almost don’t want to leave. Everyone is so nice to me, the food is fantastic, and the two ladies running Equestria actually care about the people they are in charge of!

Granted the lack of beer or television kind of sucks. In fact I feel like it makes me want to…

Homer looked at the wall again, squinting in thought.

Well it makes me want to do something, something, but the feeling goes away pretty fast, especially if one of the ponies does or says something cute.

And yet…

Homer looked over at his wallet, propped up on the table next to his bed so he could see the picture of his family. He gave a soft sigh and continued to write.

And yet as wonderful as this place is, it’s just not home. I miss my wife, I miss my kids, even the boy to a lesser extent. I don’t know how long I could be stuck here, or what might change back in Springfield while I’m gone. There are just so many ways this can go wrong.

Homer looked up from the journal and out the window at the starry night sky. A lot of people chalked up his constant napping to inherent laziness, but that was only partially the cause. Marge was one of the only people who knew just how hard it could be for him to get to sleep at night sometimes.

During the day, surrounded by people and a million little distractions, it was easy for Homer to live in the moment and not put much thought into something unless he really tried. But the night was different.

When it was him all alone in bed save for Marge who was often asleep, all the big scary questions and thoughts without any easy answers started to prowl around in Homer’s head.

Was he a good person? Did he deserve Marge and the kids? How many more screw ups could they forgive him for before he’d wake up one day and they were just...gone? And now here he was in an alien world who knew how many lightyears from home, which led to even bigger and more frightening questions.

Did time move differently here then it did back home? Would Homer make it back only to find out everyone he knew and loved was long dead? What if it was an alternate version of Earth ruled by intelligent monkeys and his family was being forced to toil away in their underground banana mines? What if…

Homer was snapped out of his funk by the now familiar feeling of a pair of hooves wrapped around his stomach. Looking down he blinked at the sight of Pinkie giving a tiny yawn, blinking one eye and then the other as she looked like she could drift back to sleep at any moment. “Homer? You okay?”

“I...yeah I’m okay, just thinking about a lot of stuff is all. I didn’t wake you did I?” Homer asked.

Pinkie shook her head, giving another yawn for maximum cuteness. “Pinkie Sense,” She mumbled her eyes drooping even as she spoke. “Twitchy nose, means someone’s having a deep introspective crisis.” Her nose twitched visibly as if to emphasize this.

“Well, I guess I am sort of. Lot of stuff can go wrong between now and Twilight figuring out how to get me home. I guess a lot of worse case scenarios are bouncing around up here on top of all the usual stuff.” Homer said pointing at his head.

Pinkie smiled and nodded. “S’okay, Twilight’s really smart, and we’re all here for you okay? That’s what…” She let out something between a yawn and a squeak that was big enough to show off her tonsils. “Friends are for…”

Pinkie nodded off but her arms remained wrapped around Homer, her snoring resuming after a moment. Homer just looked down at the little pony, remembering how Twilight had said the same thing before he smiled and resumed writing.

It would be a lot to handle if I was all on my own, but then again, I’m not really alone am I? Almost from the moment I showed up here in Ponyville I’ve been surrounded by some of the nicest, kindest sweetest people on four legs I’ve ever met.

Hell, aside from Moe, Lenny, Carl, Barney and POSSIBLY Flanders, the number of people in Springfield I’ve been able to call a friend has been pretty small. But here I’ve already made at least seven friends right off the bat since coming here!

There’s Twilight, who reminds me a lot of my daughter Lisa except she’s purple and can shoot lasers.

Then there’s Pinkie Pie, she’s like a stuffed animal full of gumdrops and drugs. Plus she makes the best cupcakes you’ve ever had! Hmm, should probably ask if she puts drugs IN the cupcakes at some point.

Rainbow Dash reminds me of Bart which makes me a little uneasy. Fluttershy’s so cute it borders on physically sickening, Rarity is fussy but she’ll help out anyone in need and Applejack-

Homer stopped for a moment and stared at the wall with a blank look for a minute. Eventually he shrugged and continued to write.

-Has a really nice hat.

Oh and then there’s Spike, he’s a dragon! I know right? I was a little disappointed he doesn’t sound like Sean Connery or Benedict Cumberbatch but eh, not his fault.

Right now the two biggest things keeping me going right now are these kids, and the hope of being reunited with my family. I don’t know when, and I don’t know how, but I choose to believe with a little help from my new friends I’ll see them again someday.

Until then, not much else to do but take it a day at a time and see what tomorrow brings.

Sincerely,

Homer Simpson.

His writing complete, Homer set down the journal, turned out the light and carefully slid down under the sheets so as not to disturb Pinkie who still had a good grip on him. He yawned as despite all the questions in his head, the warmth of Pinkie’s presence and the sound of her breathing lulled him to sleep.

And so the first day of Homer’s strange new adventure in Ponyville came to a close. Considering how eventful it had already been, tomorrow was bound to be a little less hectic.

...Right?

Author's Note

Pretty short chapter this time, a lot of what I wanted to do really seemed like it would be best to save until the next chapter so I'm going to be working hard to get the next chapter out a little sooner to compensate for this one being on the short side.

Also who knew trying to figure out what Homer would put down in a journal could be so tricky? There's the obvious gag stuff but the deeper stuff was surprisingly tricky. Ah well, c'est la vie :twilightsmile:

...Please don't leave any comments written in French thinking I'll understand you, I literally only know that expression and a couple swears :facehoof:

Admit it, you were waiting for 'Him' to show up

Homer in Equestria: The Less Than Epic Saga

By Barry the Brony

For the first time in a very long time, Rarity was at a loss for words.

Oh she could still make sounds, right now she was babbling and sputtering and occasionally trying to say something that could in theory be a word, but it always seemed to stall out as soon as it began to leave her tongue.

The reason for said speechlessness billowed and swirled rather gracefully in her magic. It looked like a miniature cloud perfectly formed in a vaguely oval shape, a short thin silk rope attached to one end.

“T-this...this is….this is…” Rarity sputtered having at least made the transition to coherent words.

“Do you not like it Rarity? I felt bad for using your loofah the other day so I asked Celestia for a new one.” Homer said, gathered with the rest of the girls in Twilight’s castle.

Unlike yesterday when Homer had been dressed for the occasion, today saw him in an identical white shirt and blue pants to what he had worn when he had first arrived.

Really the only difference was the quality of the material, as Homer couldn’t even begin to remember the last time he had gone this long without needing to scratch his ass.

Rarity managed to tear her gaze away from the little cloud staring up at Homer with eyes as wide as saucers. When she spoke, it was in a hushed voice full of awe.

“Homer, this is a Cirrus Two Thousand, this is the absolute cutting edge of personal hygiene products, it’s worth more than I make at the Boutique in the better part of a year!”

Rainbow Dash let out a low whistle as she peered at the little cloud overhead. “It’s probably worth every bit too, I can feel the pegasus magic woven into every inch of that sucker.”

“And...and you’re just...giving it to me?” Rarity said her voice turning into a squeak near the end, cradling the tiny cloud in her hooves now as if terrified it was going to drift away.

“Well...yeah I owed you a loofah. I mean I’ve got the one you gave me, now you’ve got one of your own again, isn’t that what friends are supposed to do when they mess up? Make it right?”

“You...you…” Rarity stared up at Homer as her eyes started to well up, her lower lip quivering in a way that could have only come from years of practice in melodrama.

“And here comes the waterworks in three...two...one…” Applejack counted off and right on cue Rarity burst into tears and leapt at Homer wrapping her arms around his neck.

“THAA-HANK YOUU!!! THAA-HAA-HAANK YOOO-HOO-OOO!!! OH CELESTIA BLESS YOUR SOUL HOMER, I SHAN’T FORGET THIS FOR AS LONG AS I LI-HI-IVE!!!” Rarity bawled, tears ruining her makeup.

Now it was Homer’s turn to be speechless, albeit for a very different reason. The little unicorn was hugging him so tightly she was currently crushing his windpipe. Collapsing to the floor Homer started making loud choking sounds, slapping the ground next to him like a wrestler signaling to tag out with a partner.

“Oh dear, Rarity? I’m sure Homer’s glad you like the loofah, but I don’t think his face is supposed to be turning that color!” Fluttershy said as she, Applejack and Pinkie Pie managed to pry Rarity off of him before she could jeopardize any more of his brain cells (and those already went on and off the endangered species list on a regular basis).

“Yeah Rarity, without oxygen you can’t do all sorts of fun stuff like singing, telling jokes, playing musical instruments, playing Twenty Questions and...and…” Pinkie trailed off as now her face was starting to turn a shade of blue, inhaling deeply with a sound like a squeak toy. “Well you get the idea.”

“I’m so sorry Homer, I-I let my emotions get the better of me,” Rarity said, her cheeks red with embarrassment. “Nonetheless I am almost indescribably grateful for such a wonderful gift. I have to think of a way to repay you.”

“Oh that’s okay Rarity, you don’t have to-” Homer started to say, but Rarity was already talking once more, pacing as she did.

“No, no, I won’t accept that. Such generosity must be rewarded! But how…” The little white unicorn’s face scrunched up rather cutely in thought before her eyes lit up. “Ah-hah! I have it, Homer, for your generosity…” She struck a dramatic pose. “I SHALL NAME MY FIRST BORN AFTER YOU!”

“WHAT?!” Blurted out everyone in the room. Well, almost everyone, a certain tiny Alicorn was oddly silent…

“Holy crap really?!” Homer asked his eyes wide, until now the biggest thing that had been named after him had been a type of cheese.

A sliver of reality seemed to creep back into Rarity’s thoughts as she paused. “Well, given how ponies traditionally name themselves ‘Homer’ might be a difficult first name to pair with anything so how about this? The first name of my first born shall be something beginning with an ‘H’.”

“Deal!” Homer said, then without a moment’s hesitation he spat on his hand and held it out for Rarity to shake.

Obviously her initial reaction was to recoil, but to everyone’s surprise Rarity, taking a moment to brace herself, grit her teeth and bumped her hoof against Homer’s hand. As soon as the sensation of lukewarm spit registered her whole body shuddered and her left eye began to twitch something fierce yet she stood firm.

“I don’t believe it, it’s a Celestia damned miracle.” Applejack said her voice heavy with awe, knowing full well just how reluctant Rarity was to get her hoofs dirty for any reason that wasn’t literally life and death. “What’cha make of this Twilight? Uh, Twilight?”

The reason why Twilight had been so uncharacteristically quiet through all of this was suddenly clear. At some point the little alicorn had somehow managed to fall asleep while standing upright, her head tilted back and a trickle of drool leaking from the corner of her mouth.

“Wow, a full upright pass out, haven’t seen anyone do that in a while.” Homer said, turning away from Rarity who took the opportunity to frantically shake her hoof clean of spit. “Any idea how much sleep she got last night Spike?”

Spike had been sitting in a corner scribbling something down on a piece of paper. He jerked and quickly put it away when he heard his name, but not before Rainbow Dash’s keen eyes spotted at least three words scribbled out. ‘Howl’ ‘Horn’ and ‘Horde’. She smirked a little but kindly kept quiet.

“Well she just got her hands on a previously unknown book full of magic written by her lifelong idol Starswirl the Bearded, so probably about as much as you’d think. Honestly we’re lucky she was awake to greet you guys when you first showed up.” Spike explained.

“Poor Twilight, should we brew her up some coffee?” Applejack offered.

Spike just shook his head. “Wouldn’t work, Twilight’s drank so much of the stuff over years of pulling all night sessions for her studies she’s built up a tolerance to caffeine.”

“Guys please, you’re overthinking things,” Homer said as he walked over to where Twilight was. “When it comes to waking people up there’s a few surefire methods that are bound to work.” Homer said before he cleared his throat and shouted out loud. “FIRE!”

No response, Twilight just kept snoring.

“EARTHQUAKE!”

“HURRICANE!”

“UPCOMING ELECTION!”

“Upcoming Election?” Rainbow Dash arched an eyebrow as she hovered in the air.

“Trust me that’s pretty terrifying where I come from.” Homer said.

“Pssst, Homer, try this.” Spike motioned for Homer to kneel down and stood on his tiptoes to whisper in his ear.

“Nice thinking kid,” Homer said, giving Spike a thumb’s up before turning to Twilight once again.

“BOOK SALE!”

Twilight’s eyes snapped open in an instant. “BOOKSALE?! Quick Spike, get my book bags and when you come back tell me where it’s being held, I need an address so I can chart out the quickest...possible...route?”

Twilight blinked, noticing everyone else grinning at her. Her cheeks burned red and her ears flattened against her head. “...I fell asleep didn’t I?”

“Ugh, sorry everyone, I got sucked into my work on deciphering Starswirl’s notes on dimensional travel last night. The good news is I’m off to a solid start. Here let me show you!”

For someone who had just fallen asleep standing upright Twilight seemed to rally quickly, leading everyone to one of the many, MANY unused rooms in the castle she had apparently converted into a makeshift workstation.

Everywhere they looked there were diagrams and sketches. Some were identical to the writing that had been in Star Swirl’s notes, others seemed to be step by step illustrations to the construction of some kind of machine.

“As you can see, I’ve really only figured out the designs and some basic schematics. It’s going to take some time to actually begin building a device that can open a portal, to say nothing of fine tuning and picking out the right dimension. I’m sorry we can’t get you home sooner Homer, but there are so many variables if we don’t approach this carefully all sorts of things could go wrong.” Twilight said looking up at Homer with a guilty expression.

“Oh Twilight please don’t be hard on yourself,” Fluttershy said walking up alongside the little Alicorn and nuzzling her. “We’re sure Homer understands that you want to be safe about all of this, right Homer?” She looked up at him.

“Yeah Twilight, I want to get home but not if it means blowing up one or both of our realities ya know?” Homer said before he watched Twilight turn pale at the thought. “Uh, not that I’m saying it’s likely to happen!”

“R-right, anyway. The reason why I asked you all to come over here was if I’m going to make any headway in this, I’m going to need time to focus on getting a portal up and running,” Twilight explained. “Which means we should probably find a way to divvy up who spends time with Homer on any given day.”

“Which is why I made this!” Twilight dragged over what looked for all the world like a prize wheel on a game show, the kind you spin to see where the arrow would land on. Only instead of prizes like a new car or a washing machine Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Twilight and even Spike all had their names written down.

Throughout the night Twilight had wracked her brain trying to come up with a more structured schedule for Homer to spend time with the others while she worked on the portal, but she eventually had come to the conclusion that Homer was simply too big of a variable to plan around...figuratively speaking.

“Every day we spin the wheel, and whoever it lands on gets to look after Homer for that day. Of course, I did come up with this while in a sleep deprived state of mind so if anyone here has any objections please let me know.” Twilight said rubbing the back of her head.

“Well it’s certainly...creative,” Rarity managed after exchanging looks with the rest of the Element Bearers. “Not the first thing that would come to my mind, granted, but I can see how Homer could be a bit difficult to predict.” She said recalling how much had happened at the Boutique the short amount of time Homer had been there yesterday.

“I might have a few chores to do on the side any given day, but I suppose I wouldn’t mind showing Homer around the farm. At the very least I can probably keep him still for a spell with some pie.” Applejack added.

“Mmmm…pie,” Homer said.

“And I would love to have Homer over for tea, he can meet all of my little animal friends and tell me more about the wildlife where he comes from!” Fluttershy said giving an excited little prance on her hooves.

“Heck, I don’t mind introducing someone new to just how awesome I am!” Rainbow Dash said flying over everyone’s heads and performing a loop-de-loop.

“Honestly I hadn’t really considered it before now, but it could be fun to spend an afternoon with Homer just us guys.” Spike said looking up at Homer with a smile.

There was a pause as they all turned to look at Pinkie Pie who just looked back. “What? Homer’s already sleeping over at Sugarcube Corner, so it’s not like I won’t already be seeing him a bunch. Oh but I still need to get started on finding all my old recipes to share with him!” She chirped.

“Thank you everyone, you have no idea how much of a relief it is to hear that. I was worried I was dumping this on you at the last second.” Twilight said beaming. “Well, I suppose we better give this a spin and see who gets the first shift, ready?”

Everyone nodded as Twilight gripped the arrow with a hoof and gave it a good hard spin. It whirled around in a blur, slowly slowing down little by little before landing...right on the line between Applejack and Pinkie Pie?

“What in tarnation?” Applejack reached under her hat to scratch her head as Twilight gave the arrow another spin. This time it jerked to a stop between Spike and Rainbow Dash.

“Uh, maybe you should try your magic?” Rainbow Dash offered.

“Well it’s worth a shot.” Twilight said as her horn lit up, the arrow glowing as she gave it one more spin. The arrow began to spin once more, but this time instead of slowing down, it began to speed up until all of their names were obscured by the spinning arrow.

Then with a loud quacking sound the arrow slammed to a stop pointing on a name finally, only Twilight was positive she hadn’t added this one to the list. Confusion gave way to alarm on Twilight’s face. “Oh no.”

“Oh no.” Everyone save Homer and Fluttershy chorused.

“OH YEAH!” The wall next to them suddenly exploded as a bizarre creature burst in, looking like something that would be caught in a taxidermist’s sink trap. None of his limbs or features were entirely symmetrical, an eagle’s claw here, mismatched horns and a cloven hoof there, yet the wildly varying features formed the outline of some sort of dragon.

“How many times do I have to tell him to use the door like everyone else?” Twilight grumbled, only to nearly get bowled over by a pink and yellow blur.

“DISCORD!” Fluttershy squealed. With a hop, skip and a jump she leapt up her wings flapping to give her a bit of a boost before the patchwork creature grabbed her and twirled around hugging her with a delighted laugh.

“Oh it’s wonderful to see you too Fluttershy.” Discord said, tapping her nose with a finger from his lion’s paw and watching her giggle as her nose made a sound like the honking of a horn.

“I hope you all don’t mind me dropping in, but whenever probability becomes a factor I just can’t resist. Dice rolls, coin tosses, wheel spins, to this day Celestia still won’t let me within a hundred and fifty feet of a casino for fear I’ll crash the Equestrian economy again.”

“Again?” The girls and Spike all chorused, meanwhile Homer was still trying to figure out exactly what he was looking at.

“Oh it was just a brief period in Equestria’s history where I enchanted every rock to spit out bits when you hit them with a shovel. The value of the bit dropped like a, well, rock and ponies had to use turnips as a replacement form of currency for a decade.”

Discord paused as Homer had his hand up. “Yes you in the back?”

“Uh hi, name’s Homer, I was just wondering are you from a Doctor Seuss book I haven’t read? I keep waiting to see if they’ll make a sequel to The Butter Battle Book, that cliffhanger ending still bugs the crap out of me.” Homer said drawing more than a few confused looks from the others.

“Sorry Homer, I’m neither a cat nor am I in a hat. The name’s Discord, Spirit of Chaos, Master of Mayhem...you know what here it’s all on my card.” Discord flicked a white business card between his claws and handed it to Homer.

As Homer looked at it, the card began to unfold like a wallet full of photographs. “Boy you weren’t kidding there’s a lot of these. Master of Mayhem, Baron of Bedlam, Prince of Pandemonium…” He read on while Discord rubbed his chest with a claw. “Hey what’s this?”

Homer peered at something that looked like it had been written in a different font then the rest of the card at the very bottom of the list. “‘If found unsupervised please return to Fluttershy Breeze at this address’.”

The card was snatched out of his hands by Discord who was blushing furiously as he crumpled up the card. “I swear I have no idea how Celestia keeps adding that on there.” He grumbled.

Everyone else was too busy looking at Fluttershy who looked away with a blush of her own.

“Discord, not that I mind having you visit once in a while, but you know I prefer at least a little warning ahead of time. Just what are you doing here?” Twilight asked, looking rather nervous.

“Why wasn’t that obvious? I’m here to help!” Discord proclaimed.

Now everyone looked nervous, even Fluttershy. It was true Discord was a far cry from the menace he had been when he had first been sealed in stone by Princess Celestia and Princess Luna in ancient times.

Fluttershy had been invaluable in his reformation, being the first person to ever befriend the spirit of chaos, and the others had also played a part, showing him forgiveness even after Discord’s act of betrayal in briefly siding with Tirek.

But no matter how much friendship had softened the edges of his tomfoolery, Discord was still a trickster and a prankster at heart, and he could rarely resist the opportunity to amuse himself by throwing even the most carefully laid plans right out the window.

“You’re...here...to help?” Rainbow Dash said slowly, disbelief in every word.

“Is that really so hard to believe? Friends help one another all the time! Besides I can smell the distinct aroma of dimensional magic coming from this castle and I wanted to make sure you weren’t about to go poking holes in reality all willy nilly.” Discord said as he picked up Starswirl’s notebook.

“Wait, so you don’t want something to happen that could cause chaos and mayhem?” Twilight tilted her head looking rather confused. “I would think you would be here to do something to sabotage my research just for a laugh.”

“To be fair normally you wouldn’t be far off thinking that,” Discord turning the book upside down as he seemed to read a page out of it. “But I happen to be rather fond of Equestria and the thought of some other eldritch embodiment of cosmic madness muscling in on my turf has never sat well with me.”

“Hey it wasn’t like I was just going to just pick a random dimension out of a hat and poke around in it to see if Homer’s planet was on the other side!” Twilight huffed.

“Nor did I expect you to, though that does sound like a riot,” Discord said with a chuckle, unscrewing one of his eagle talons like the tip of a fountain pen and starting to scribble something down in a blank page. “But that doesn’t mean I can’t help steer you away from a few potential problems.”

“Problems like what?” Fluttershy asked looking up at Discord.

“Oh nothing too terrible I assure you, after all it’s not like there’s a ‘Dark’ or ‘Horror’ tag on this story.” Discord said patting her gently on the head. “But suffice to say not every dimension is as sweet and cuddly as this one. Luckily I’ve been travelling around the multiverse long enough to have compiled a pretty good list of places to avoid, here take a look.”

Discord handed the notebook over to Twilight who opened to where Discord had been writing. She immediately noticed that several pages were now chock full of what looked like coordinates, each one accompanied by a brief description of what was in that universe.

“Let’s see, universe of pure itchiness, universe made out of pure...ew okay yeah I’m actually really glad you warned me about that one, and what’s with this universe? It just says ‘Room with a Moose’.”

“Trust me on this Twilight, you do not want to know.” Discord gave a shudder of revulsion seemingly at some deeply unpleasant memory. “I can handle your average quintillion year old walking seafood special but there are some things even a spirit of chaos doesn’t dare trifle with more than once.”

“The good news is you can really cut down on the number of possible dimensions to investigate once you start to pick up on the kind of signs that indicate the presence of creatures like Homer. Not that you’ll have to look very hard, his kind tend to pop up in most developed realities”

“You mean you’ve been to places that have Kwyjbo before?” Twilight asked, tilting her head. As much as Discord loved to talk, he rarely if ever mentioned what he had been up to before coming to Equestria centuries ago.

“Kwyjbo?” Discord blinked before glancing over at Homer who suddenly looked hopeful at the possibility this little slip of the tongue could be cleared up. But as Homer watched the spirit of chaos’ face stretched into a grin that would have been better placed beneath a fin cruising through the water at high speed.

“Why yes, yes I have! Of course no two types of Kwyjbo are exactly alike. The color palette tends to be all over the place and most of the time they have five fingers and toes. But yes they are most definitely known as Kwyjbo, in fact the sooner you lock that down for the royal records the better.”

Homer had been briefly toying with the idea of strangling Discord, but now he was looking down at his (presently) empty hands with an odd look. “Wait, five fingers and toes? What the hell’s the fifth one for?”

“No idea, you’d have to ask someone higher up on the cosmic food chain then me, and if you think it’s hard to get a straight answer from me you should see what the people upstairs are like. It’s all burning bushes and disembodied voices that could just as easily be from eating an expired burrito.” Discord said with a shrug.

“Well Discord, I can’t say I have reason to say this very often but...thank you. I honestly appreciate your help with this.” Twilight said looking up at Discord a little touched.

The smile Twilight got back from the spirit wasn’t his usual mischievous grin, it was a soft earnest one that reminded her of why she hadn’t hesitated to free him alongside her friends when Tirek had held them captive in exchange for her magic.

“That’s what friends are for Twilight, you showed me that not too long ago and this seems as good a way to begin to repay you for that as any.” He said picking her up in a hug.

“Well with all of this I should be able to make a lot of progress today just as soon as we…” Twilight suddenly trailed off into a loud yawn causing the others to exchange concerned looks.

“Just as soon as we get you to bed so you can sleep you mean,” Spike said, putting his claws on his hips. “You barely slept at all Twilight, you need to get some rest, it’s not like your research won’t be there tomorrow.”

“But-but, research, magic, Starswirl!” Twilight whined trying to reach for her notes while still in Discord's arms. Her horn lit up as she tried to levitate the book over to her.

“Oh dear, someone's fussy it seems." Pulling off his bat wing, Discord held up Twilight in his magic, stretched out his wing and swaddled the protesting purple pony princess like a newborn until only her face and horn was visible.

“Nnnngh...must get free...must...do...research!” Twilight grunted as she wriggled like a butterfly trying to get out of a cocoon.

“Now now, none of that,” Discord cooed, rocking Twilight in his arms. “Fluttershy would you mind doing the honors?”

Homer looked around confused as suddenly everyone in the room except for him, Twilight and Fluttershy were now wearing earplugs. The little yellow pegasus closed her eyes and took a deep breath before she started to sing.

Hush now, quiet now

It’s time to lay your sleepy head

Hush now quiet now

It’s time to go to bed

Hush now, quiet now, close your sleepy eyes

Hush now, quiet now, my how time sure flies

Fluttershy may have been the Element of Kindness but she could have just as easily been the Element of Song. An angelic choir would likely sound like a washed up boy band relying on Auto Tune in comparison.

Twilight lasted all of two lyrics before she drifted off to sleep, snoring softly and murmuring complex equations under her breath.

“A sterling performance as always my dear,” Discord said as he and the others quietly applauded Fluttershy, who blushed and gave a little bow. “I’ll tuck our little princess in her room before I leave. Oh, and next time? Make sure to give Homer a pair of earplugs too.”

Right on cue, the sound of an unconscious body hitting the floor alerted the others to the fact that Twilight hadn’t been the only one affected by Fluttershy’s singing.

Author's Note

'Should have a new chapter up relatively soon' I said, me and my big mouth :facehoof:

Ah well, in all fairness this WAS supposed to be a relatively short chapter, but as soon as I realized I could sneak in Discord I realized I had a lot more I wanted to do with the chapter. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, Discord is a challenge to write for, I kept having to try and toe the line and never have his antics become too ridiculous.

Now we begin the next phase of the story where Homer spends more one on one time with each of the girls. Time to consult my trusty six sided die! :pinkiehappy:

Also, why yes I do ship Fluttercord, why do you ask? :ajsmug:

Homer+Rainbow Dash=?

Homer in Equestria: The Less Than Epic Saga

By Barry the Brony

Homer stood with his head bowed and eyes closed as, in a rare moment of vulnerability, he turned to prayer.

“Dear lord, I come to you in this my darkest hour. If you have it in your heart to grant this one little request-”

“Homer I’m not against having religion, but are you sure you want to waste a miracle on a seven ten split?” Rainbow Dash asked sitting behind Homer looking over a scorecard. It was a slow day at the Ponyville bowling alley, but the ponies who were there today were starting to stare.

“Dash please, I’m concentrating,” Homer said, opening one eye to look at her before closing it again as he continued softly to himself. “Anyway, all I ask is that you guide this ball to victory, well that and the whole getting me back home thing. And if not, then to hell with you!”

Rainbow Dash’s eyebrow raised at this, watching as Homer picked up the bowling ball, took his position and gave it a good toss. The ball listed to the right as it rolled down the lane, knocking over one pin which hit the last one and made it start to wobble.

Rainbow Dash leaned forward in her seat as the pin looked like it was going to fall over. Meanwhile Homer did an odd little dance as if trying to move the pin by sheer force of will. Eventually however, the pin settled back on it’s base and remained upright.

With a roar of anguish Homer fell to his knees shaking a fist at the last pin standing. “YOU SON OF A-”

He paused hearing someone clear their throat before noticing all of the ponies staring at him, several of them impressionable young colts and fillies whose parents were standing right next to them. Judging from the expressions said parents had, it would not be wise for him to finish that sentence as originally planned.

“...Winona?” He finished meekly. The parents watching him flattened their gaze, but one by one they turned away satisfied they wouldn’t have to wash his mouth out with soap as an example to their children.

“Ohh, why does god keep forsaking me Rainbow Dash?” Homer groaned as he plopped down next to the little blue pegasus on the bench.

“Stab in the dark? Most people don’t end a prayer by telling off the god they are praying to,” The pegasus said as she scribbled down Homer’s score and compared her own. “Don’t feel too bad though, it’s not like I did much better.”

The number of physical sports Homer was willing to participate in was...limited. Speed was not something that came naturally to Homer unless he or a member of his family was in serious danger.

That or an ice cream truck was involved. More than once that telltale jingle had been immediately followed by Homer using the nearest window as a ‘shortcut’. Marge dearly wished she could say her husband had only done this with open windows, or even windows on the first floor.

But there were a few activities like bowling that Homer seemed to enjoy. So even if the sport was a bit slow for her liking, Rainbow Dash had been willing to give it a shot.

Looking at their scores Rainbow Dash allowed herself a small satisfied smile. Sure she had won but overall she had only edged Homer out by a couple of points, hence why she wasn’t crowing about winning like usual.

“Hey it worked for Schwarzenegger. So what do you wanna do next?” He asked as they left the bowling alley.

“Well what I really wanted to do was show you around my place, but it’s on a cloud and I never got a chance to ask Twilight if she cast the Cloud Walker spell on you that lets non pegasus, well, walk on clouds.

“I’m sure she did, Twilight seems pretty thorough when it comes to magic. Besides, what’s the worst that could happen?” Homer asked.

“Well…”

***

“Come on Homer, it’s right up this way!” Rainbow Dash said in excitement as she hopped off the big purple hot air balloon she and Homer had used to fly up to her cloud house. Homer stepped off the balloon...and promptly fell through the cloud with a scream.

***

Homer and Rainbow Dash stood there contemplating this in silence. “Okay, maybe we should put a pin in that until we talk to Twilight.” Homer admitted.

“My thoughts exactly. Luckily for you I’ve saved my best idea for last. How would you like a free show and watch one of the hottest up and coming members of the Wonderbolts Reserves strut her stuff?” Rainbow Dash said, looking rather pleased with herself.

“Well that sounds great and all, but who the heck are the Wonderbolts?” Homer asked.

Rainbow Dash just about had a stroke in midair. “WHO ARE THE-” Somehow she managed to get herself back under control. “Chillax Dash, he’s not from around here, you can give him a pass.” She muttered under her breath.

“Well the good news is if you want to know about the Wonderbolts you came to the right pony. Follow me and I’ll bring you up to speed as best I can.”

As Rainbow Dash led Homer to a clearing just on the outskirts of town she began to regale him with the history of the Wonderbolts. Homer being, well, Homer, he could only retain so much of what she was talking about.

“So I’m still a little confused. I get the Wonderbolts put on shows but are they performers or military or what?”

“Ehh, little of both? It’s complicated, see the Wonderbolts are an offshoot of the original pegasus armada, waaaay back when the War of the Three Tribes was still in full swing. However while they follow a lot of military traditions, most of what they do is aerial performances, weather patrols, and emergency response.”

“Wait, you guys had a war?” Homer asked. “But everything around here is so great, what could there be to fight over?”

Rainbow Dash sighed and dropped down to walk alongside Homer now. “It’s true that life in Equestria is pretty awesome now, but there was once a time when pegasus, unicorns and earth ponies hated each other’s guts.”

She looked up at the clear sky deep in thought. “A long time ago before Equestria was even established as a country, all three tribes wanted this land for themselves. Everyone was convinced their tribe was the best and anyone else was three steps above pond scum, and that was on a good day.”

“The worst part is, while everyone was busy fighting, the whole country was nearly overrun and turned into a frozen wasteland by these monsters called Windigo, which were basically ice making ghost horses that fed on hate.”

As surprised as Homer was to learn that even creatures as adorable as ponies could wage war amongst themselves, something about the whole thing was oddly familiar.

“Waaait a minute, so there was this big medieval war between multiple factions that only came to an end to unite against the common threat of frozen undead monsters? Did it end when someone who was built up to be the rightful king had to stab his suddenly insane wife slash cousin and then just wandered off into the woods?”

“Uh no, according to legend in what seemed like their final moments a member of each of the three tribes made peace with each other, and from that friendship came a magic strong enough to banish the Windigo for good. No king, no stabbing, and no incest...at least I hope not.”

“Still would have been a better ending to Game of Thrones then the one we got. Frigging White Walkers get wiped out in a single episode and they kill off the funny eunuch guy.” Homer grumbled under his breath.

Homer sat down on a hill and made himself comfortable while Rainbow Dash took to the sky and began to go through some maneuvers.

She started out slow so Homer could keep track of her but eventually started to put on more speed and do increasingly elaborate patterns.

He had to admit, Rainbow Dash was pretty impressive to see in action. She was performing twists and turns at angles that told every single rule of physics to go stuff themselves. Soon Homer was calling out tricks for her to do, which she was all too happy to oblige.

“Ooh! Do a barrel roll!” Homer called out, but as Rainbow Dash performed the maneuver he seemed confused. “What? No, I said a barrel roll. BARREL roll!”

“That is a barrel roll Homer!” Rainbow Dash called down to him, stopping in midair.

“Really? So what’s it called when you just fly straight and spin around?”

“That’s called an aileron roll! Sheesh why does everyone get those two mixed up? Ah well in any case, it’s time for the big finish: The Sonic Rainboom!”

Rainbow Dash took off like a shot, flying so far off into the distance Homer briefly wondered if she was ditching him. Then she started flying back at full speed, and as she got closer Homer saw something strange.

Something was forming in the air around Rainbow Dash, an invisible cone she seemed to strain visibly against. Then she broke through and there was a sound like a thunderclap loud enough to make him dive for cover with a yelp.

An enormous rapidly expanding display of rainbow light rippled across the sky from where Rainbow Dash had broken the sound barrier, a blazing contrail streaming out behind the pegasus as she came in for a landing and skidded to a stop, leaving trails of rainbow fire in her wake.

“YEAH! That never gets old!” Rainbow Dash cheered. “So what did you think of that Homer? Uh...Homer?” She paused and took a look around noticing a distinct lack of yellow bipeds.

Then it was her turn to yelp as Homer stuck his head out of a nearby bush. “That was awesome! How the heck did you do that?”

“Good question, to be honest even after all these years I’m still not a hundred percent sure how it works,” Rainbow Dash admitted as she got over her surprise.

“Before I did my first Rainboom as a filly everyone thought it was just an old mare’s tail. Then one day during a race I pushed myself harder than I had ever done before and it just...happened. The craziest thing though was that when it happened all of my friends saw it and had it help them find their special talents one way or another.”

“Really?” Homer asked.

“Yeah. Twilight was taking her entrance exam into Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns when the Rainboom caused her to have a power surge, after which Princess Celestia saw her potential and took her in as her pupil. Plus that was also the day Spike was hatched.”

“Pinkie Pie was working on a rock farm (yes that’s a thing and no even after being friends with Pinkie all these years I still don’t know how/why it is) and when she saw the rainbow it inspired her to throw her family a party and discover her calling in life.”

“Throwing parties and making people happy or being borderline insane?”

Rainbow Dash smirked at this. “Yes.”

“Rarity found some jewels in a rock she used to spruce up some costumes she made for her school play. Applejack followed the rainbow back home to her farm after moving to Manehattan to live with some relatives and try out life in the big city, and Fluttershy-”

Rainbow Dash stopped suddenly, her expression slowly dipping down into a mixture of guilt and regret. “Dash? Something wrong?” Homer asked, seeing her sudden change in mood.

“Well, i-it’s just that, while my doing a Sonic Rainboom did help Fluttershy find her special talent, the way it happened could have gotten her hurt...or worse.” She said the last two words in a voice barely above a whisper.

“Uh, s-so anyway why don’t I show you some more tricks? There’s this one trick I’ve been working on called the Buccaneer Blitz that I think you’ll really-”

“Wanna talk about it?”

Rainbow Dash stopped short and blinked in surprise. “Huh?”

“Do you want to talk about it? The thing with Fluttershy I mean.” Homer asked calmly, looking at Rainbow Dash.

“What? Pshhh, no I’m fine, it was just this one thing that happened years and years ago! I’m totally over it!” Rainbow Dash said sounding like she was trying to convince herself just as much as she was Homer.

Homer seemed to...change. It wasn’t anything drastic and were Rainbow Dash not so singularly skilled at picking out even the most minute detail mid-flight she would have easily missed it.

But he sat up a little straighter, his eyes became a little more focused and when he spoke it reverberated with something that made Rainbow Dash feel like a filly getting a lecture from her father.

“Rainbow Dash there’s a lot of stuff I don’t always pay attention to, like the color of traffic lights, when it’s my wife’s birthday etc etc. But even I can tell something happened back then that you aren’t happy about. So you’ve got two choices.”

“One? You can keep it bottled up like my neighbor Ned did for years and years until you suddenly snap and go off on a tangent at the entire town, after which you check yourself into the nearest mental institution.”

“Or two, you can sit down and get it off your chest and maybe work through some of those feelings so it doesn’t twist in your gut like a months old sandwich.”

Rainbow Dash looked up at Homer, a number of expressions fighting for space on her face. “But I...I don’t…”

“Rainbow Dash?” He pointed to a spot on the grass next to him. “Sit.” That was it, that was all he said, all he needed to say, and he didn’t even raise his voice in the slightest. With a sigh Rainbow Dash came around and plopped down next to him on her hindquarters.

As soon as she had sat down, Homer was stroking her hair, and while she started to protest at first, that soft soothing touch seemed to take some of the tension out of her, causing her to let out a breath she hadn’t even known she had been holding in.

“Back in flight school me and Fluttershy were always getting picked on. But while I was used to it, for Fluttershy who has a hard time being around other ponies to begin with it was a lot worse.”

“So I challenged these bullies to a race, you know, to defend her honor and stuff, and that was the same day I performed the Sonic Rainboom which was awesome! But…”

Rainbow Dash took a deep breath and let it out slowly, taking solace in the presence of Homer’s hand on top of her head. “When the race started, Fluttershy got knocked off a cloud without me even noticing, and she fell all the way down to the surface.”

“Oh my god was she okay?!”

“Homer you just saw her a couple hours ago, what do you think?” Rainbow Dash said, giving him a flat look.

“Right right, sorry. Please continue.”

“Well right before she hit the ground, Fluttershy landed on a cloud of butterflies that broke her fall...and no I have no idea how that’s supposed to work either.” Rainbow Dash added seeing Homer arch an eyebrow.

“When I performed the Sonic Rainboom, the noise startled all the animals in the woods where she fell, which led to Fluttershy discovering she could communicate with animals. But the thing was, I didn’t even know she had fallen until after the race.”

“After I did the Rainboom, I flew back to where I had last seen Fluttershy, I was so excited to tell her all about it. Then another pegasus mentioned how he had seen her fall off a cloud, and it felt like the bottom had dropped out of my stomach.” Rainbow Dash drew in on herself a little.

“Wait why didn’t someone try and catch her when she fell?” Homer asked. He was no stranger to criminal negligence when children were involved but that didn’t mean he didn’t have some base standards, and keeping said children alive seemed like a no brainer.

“As far as I can tell, either they figured she’d fly back up on their own, or everyone was too focused on the race to notice. I freaked out and went straight down to the surface and started searching everywhere.”

“When I finally found Fluttershy, I lost it. I just about threw myself at her hooves and begged her to forgive me for not realizing what had happened. Not that she likely understood much of what I was saying. I was crying so hard my whole face was soaked in snot and tears.”

Rainbow Dash felt a small smile touch her face. She had been crying so hard all she could see of Fluttershy had been this little yellow and pink blur through her tears. She remembered feeling a little hoof brush away enough of her tears for her to see clearly. And the first thing she saw was Fluttershy kneeling down to nuzzle her, whispering how it was okay.

“I made a promise that day, that I would always look after Fluttershy no matter what. It’s one of the reasons I moved to Ponyville actually. Even so,” Rainbow Dash sighed. “I haven’t always been the best friend. There have been times where I get impatient with how timid she is, even when I should know better.”

Her cheeks burned red as Rainbow Dash recalled one of their very first tasks working together with the rest of the Element Bearers in driving off a sleeping dragon. She had been so eager to throw down with a full grown dragon, she had chewed out Fluttershy relentlessly for slowing the group down.

And yet when Rainbow Dash had angered the dragon into attacking it had been timid little Fluttershy who had literally stared down the beast, convincing him to leave and likely saving their lives in the process.

“Hey, just because your friends with someone doesn’t mean you won’t hit a couple of bumps in the road Dash. I’ve known this one guy named Barney Gumble for years, but we still occasionally find stupid stuff to fight over like who gets to go into space or who’se got the better snow plow business.”

“The point is you care about Fluttershy and I’m sure she cares about you. As long as you guys have each other’s back when things get tough then that’s all that matters.”

Rainbow Dash looked up at Homer with a smile, giving a little sniffle before she hugged his waist. Very softly, little louder than a whisper he heard her voice come up from down where her head was against his side.

“Thanks buddy.”

“Anytime kid.” Homer said, stroking her hair. Suddenly he seemed to think of something. “Hey, what if, in the middle of doing a Sonic Rainboom you did another Sonic Rainboom?”

Rainbow Dash looked up at him again. “What like, some sort of…” She trailed off her eyes going huge. “Double Sonic Rainboom?!”

“I mean, would that even work?” Homer asked.

“No idea,” Rainbow Dash said before a grin split her face, her wings fluttering in excitement. “But there’s only one way to find out!”

A mere five minutes later Spike was curled up in his basket in Twilight’s bedroom, reading through one of his comics when he felt the whole castle shake, a noise like a thunderclap followed immediately by a second much louder thunderclap splitting the air causing him to fall over with a holler.

“Huh?! What?!” He threw open the windows and looked outside peering up at the sky, just in time to catch a glimpse of a rainbow colored comet streaking towards the horizon at unbelievable speed.

At the very edge of his hearing, the little dragon could swear he heard a familiar voice screaming in pure exhilaration.

“What in the-” Spike started to say before he blinked, hearing another sound coming from up the road in the direction the comet had apparently come from.

“CrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapCRAP!!!” Homer wheezed as he ran down the street as fast as his legs could carry him. Noticing Spike looking down from one of the castle windows he skidded to a stop.

“Spike hey! Quick question, if you were to go a couple thousand miles in that general direction going, say, ten to fifteen times faster than the speed of sound where would you likely to wind up?” He asked, sounding a little winded.

Spike’s eyebrow climbed until it was practically among the clouds over the castle. “Uh, the Crystal Empire comes to mind, why what happened?”

“Nothing! Everything’s fine. I just needed to know what train to catch. Anyway gotta run!” Homer said before he took off down the road. “HANG ON RAINBOW DASH, I’M RIGHT BEHIND YOU!”

Not ten feet down the road however Homer came to a stop again, hunched over and gasping for breath. “Check that, I’m way behind you.” He groaned.

Spike just watched Homer run off in the direction of the train station giving a slow series of blinks. Poking his head back in he looked over at where Twilight was sleeping in her bed. Thanks to the enchanted headphones he’d put on her, the little alicorn was still sound asleep.

Giving a shrug he waddled back over to his basket and picked up his comic book. “How about that, only two days in and Homer’s already fitting in with the rest of the nuts around here.” Spike remarked as he tried to find where he had left off.

Author's Note

I really had to wrestle with this chapter as, when I rolled the dice and it came up with Rainbow Dash's number (yes I'm rolling a dice as sadly I don't have a roulette wheel handy) I realized she was probably one of the Mane Six I had the least clear idea how they might interact with Homer.

Yet once again I was struck with inspiration to dive into the feels with the scene where Rainbow Dash opens up about her guilt over the incident at flight camp so while the chapter wasn't as funny as I originally set out for, I do think it ended up giving Rainbow Dash some solid character development.

Now watch as I set my dice to the side and cheat a little because after this chapter I REALLY want to do one with Fluttershy, so you can look forward to that :yay:

Anyway, take care everyone, stay safe and hopefully you won't have to wait too long for the next update. I just have to resist the urge to go after Fatalis again in Iceborne for a while...

Beauty and the Beast(s)

Homer in Equestria: The Less Than Epic Saga
By Barry the Brony

Angel was not a happy bunny.

Of course happy was a relative term in describing an animal referred to by most of Ponyville out of his and Fluttershy’s earshot as simply ‘The Little Bastard’. However there were times when Angel could be tolerant of other living creatures besides Fluttershy, even pleasant.

This was not one of those times.

He had already started off in a foul mood after Fluttershy had postponed their weekly picnic, but now some big yellow ape was booping his nose going on about how cute he was.

Indeed Homer looked like he was having the time of his life. Kneeling down in front of Fluttershy’s cottage, he was giggling like a schoolgirl as he poked Angel’s little pink nose making it twitch.

“Homer I know you’re enjoying yourself but I really, really think you should stop.” Fluttershy said watching Angel’s eyes get progressively narrower the more his nose was booped. “Angel can get awfully, um, cranky.”

Perhaps sensing an impending bloodbath every single animal who lived in Fluttershy’s cottage with her had long fled for their lives. And yes that included the bear.

“Aw come on Fluttershy he’s just a cute little bunny rabbit,” Homer said, taking his eyes off Angel to look back at the pegasus and in doing so made his biggest mistake. “What’s he gonna-”

Homer paused hearing a loud crunching sound. “What the…” Looking back he lifted up his hand which now had an enraged Angel attached to it gnawing as hard as he could.

Homer let out a shriek and began to run back and forth trying to shake Angel off. “GET HIM OFF! GET HIM OFF! GET HIM OFF OF ME!!!”

Fluttershy tried to fly after Homer to do just that, but he was surprisingly fast when he was motivated, finding herself zipping just behind Homer as he tore back and forth in front of her home screaming all the while.

Finally with a good hard shake of his arm, Homer threw Angel off, slumping against a tree as he tried to catch his breath. “Ohhh thank god that’s over…”

“HOMER HE’S ON THERE AGAIN!” Fluttershy cried out.

Indeed as soon as Homer looked down he saw that Angel had recovered in record time and was already back to biting his hand, causing him to take off screaming for the second time.

It took some time (and the use of a crowbar) but Fluttershy finally managed to separate Angel from Homer long enough to treat his hand. Now inside her cottage she looked over the two of them with the expression of a disappointed mother.

“Now what did we learn today Homer?”

“The importance of listening to others?” Homer offered not quite able to look the little pegasus in the eyes.

“Annnd?” She said patiently.

“And do not boop the rabbit without his consent.” Homer added with a sigh.

“Very good, now as for you Angel,” She turned her attention to the rabbit. “I know we had plans today, but everyone agreed to take turns spending time with Homer to give Twilight time to work on getting him back home, myself included.”

“And while I did try to warn Homer not to tease you like that, I think you could have been a little more forgiving for a first offense like that.”

“After all, I’ve seen little Pumpkin Cake hold you like a stuffed animal and gum your ears without you so much as batting an eye.”

Angel's expression suddenly went from annoyed to mortified, making frantic motions for Fluttershy to stop talking while Homer tried to hold in his laughter.

“Now I want you two to make peace okay? I’ve been really really looking forward to having a chance to talk with Homer, and I don’t want to spend the whole day wondering if you two are going to get in another fight.”

That was when Fluttershy went for the kill. “Pleeeaaaase?” She opened her eyes good and wide turning them into watery green windows into her gentle, fragile soul.

“Oh GOD it’s like the gorgon in that Harryhausen movie, don’t make direct eye contact!” Homer cried, throwing up his hands to try and shield them from such pure concentrated cuteness. But it was too late, he’d already seen those enormous puppy dog eyes and the image was burned into his brain. “Okay okay just turn that off!

Angel wasn’t doing much better, pantomiming a heart attack and throwing up a tiny white flag.

“Ohh, thank you two so much!” Fluttershy cooed pulling them both in for a hug. “Here, let me get everyone some snacks, be right back!” She took off like a shot leaving Homer and Angel alone for a moment.

“Ugh, I’m seriously starting to wonder if this is how I finally die, struck dead by a heart attack brought on by pony cuteness.” Homer groaned as he and Angel recovered, their feud forgotten for now.

Fluttershy came back still airborne, with a bowl in each hoof and a plate balanced rather cutely on top of her head. One bowl was a light salad for herself, the other a bowl of freshly diced carrots for Angel, and on the plate was...dog biscuits? “Here Homer, I remembered how much you enjoyed them the day we met.”

“Ooh, don’t mind if I do!” Homer said, fingers wiggling in excitement as Fluttershy set the plate down on the table in front of her sofa. Before long they were seated together munching away, with Angel sitting on top of the sofa tossing carrot chips into his mouth.

“Now I’m not expecting you to have a full understanding of every animal back on Earth, but if we can see what kind of animals our worlds do and don’t share, even that would open up the door to all kinds of research.” Fluttershy explained taking out a little notepad and a pencil.

“A pencil? Wait, how can you write if you don’t have magic like Twi-” Homer stopped in mid sentence at the sight of Fluttershy taking the pencil in her mouth and working it around to write in the notepad.

“Shomething wrong Hohmer?” Fluttershy said her words a little slurred as she looked up at him with the pencil still in her mouth completely unaware of just how ridiculously suggestive it looked.

“Uhhh, why no, nothing at all! I was just...impressed with pony ingenuity.” Homer said staring straight ahead at the wall. ‘Not a word Simpson. Not. One. Word.’ Came a stern warning from his brain.

The process was pretty straightforward, Fluttershy would ask about a species of animal and Homer would confirm if it did or didn’t also live on Earth. She knew it wouldn’t be an exact process, but any insight was good insight.

“Bears?”

“Oh yeah. Grizzly, brown, black, polar and Gummy.”

“Dragons?”

“Just the Komodo ones.”

“Platypus?”

“The hell is that?”

“Well it’s technically a mammal but it has a billed beak like a duck and poisonous webbed claws.”

“Okay that’s definitely one of yours.”

It went back and forth like this for a while as Homer did his best to answer Fluttershy’s questions as she slowly filled up the notepad with her scribblings. As she filled out the last page she set it down and settled back onto the couch.

“Well from what I can gather, the biggest difference between our worlds is that yours is absent any creatures whose origins or nature involve magic in any way. Aside from that we seem to share a lot of the more mundane animals like dogs, most species of birds, cows-”

Homer’s stomach suddenly let out a rumbling growl at the mention of cows, causing him to cringe.

“Is something wrong Homer? If you are still hungry I can get more dog biscuits if you like.” Fluttershy said wondering why he looked so uncomfortable all of a sudden.

“Uh, thanks Fluttershy but if I’m being perfectly honest I think my body is craving something a little...different.” Homer said choosing his words carefully, an extremely rare occurrence for a man whose brain often had a direct line to his mouth with little hope of being filtered.

“Different how?” Fluttershy tilted her head the very image of innocent puzzlement.

Homer sighed. Ever since he realized he was in a land populated by talking herbivores a certain staple of his diet had lingered in the back of his mind. All the sugar and flour based products in Equestria couldn’t scratch that particular itch but he had no idea how to approach anyone about it.

And if there was one pony he had been hoping to avoid this conversation with more than anyone else it was Fluttershy. She sang, she lived in a cottage (albeit one that looked like a giant Chia pet with all the grass on the roof) and had a posse of adorable woodland critters. She was probably more qualified to be a Disney Princess then an actual princess like Twilight!

But Homer could see in those big green eyes an earnest desire to understand and help him. “Well...promise you won’t freak out?” He asked nervously. He was half expecting this to end with Fluttershy chasing him out of her home and him being banned from Ponyville for life.

Fluttershy gave one of those soft warm smiles that could turn even the toughest of men into a pile of goo. “Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.” She recited even doing the hoof motions.

“Okay...the thing is...ohhh, I miss meat!” He closed his eyes and threw up his arms to protect himself, bracing for her reaction.

Fluttershy...did nothing. She just looked up at him blinking. “And?” There was no anger or horror, she just sounded like she was expecting him to say more.

Now it was Homer’s turn to blink, one eye visible through his raised arms. “Uh...that’s...kind of it.”

Fluttershy made a soft humming noise and then simply said. “Okay.”

“Okay? That’s it? You’re not going to scream or chase me out with a broom and call me a monster? Nothing?”

Fluttershy squinted at him. “Why in the world would I do any of that? I mean sure I was hoping to avoid any trouble between you and Angel but that wasn’t even close to the worst case scenario I was afraid of. I barely even had to use a third of what was in my first aid kit.”

It was pretty obvious Homer had expected this conversation to go in a very different direction, and right now he was floundering to get his point across. “But...animals are made of meat, you live with a bunch of them, you don’t see the conflict of interest there?”

“Well I’m not letting you eat my animals if that’s what you’re getting at,” Fluttershy arched an eyebrow. “Is that what you are getting at?”

Homer didn’t even need to turn his head, he could feel Angel glaring a hole into the back of his head. “I...don’t think I’m high enough on the food chain around here to try that.” He said carefully.

“I guess I was just...I dunno, expecting you to chew me out for wanting to eat an animal. I mean it’s not like you guys eat meat.”

“Well yes, but we’re herbivores, we’re specifically evolved to eat plants. You’re an omnivore, you can get nutrition from plants and animals. That doesn’t make you bad silly.”

“But Rainbow Dash said you can talk to animals. Doesn’t that make it more like...you know...murder?”

A light seemed to go on in those big green eyes as comprehension flooded Fluttershy’s face soon followed by an expression of gentle compassion. “Oh is that why you were so reluctant to tell me? You thought I’d treat you like a bad guy?”

“Uh-huh.” Homer said his head hung low. The next thing he knew Fluttershy was hugging him around the waist.

“Oh Homer I would never treat you like that. But I do understand why you would think that. It’s not the first time one of my friends was hesitant to discuss something involving animals that was less than pleasant.”

“Really?”

“Mm-hmm. Applejack has all sorts of pests over at her farm that just don’t want to leave even if you ask them to. Of course I do have to keep her from going overboard. She tried to stamp out the local skunk population, only for the rats the skunks were keeping in check to have a population explosion.”

“But nature is built around a cycle of life and death. Herbivores eat plants, carnivores eat herbivores, and eventually carnivores die and become nutrients for the plants.”

“Ah yes the Great Circle of Life. Once again everything I’ve ever needed to know has been supplied to me by television and film.”

“Uhm, I guess? But I will admit, it was a shock finding out about it for the first time.” Fluttershy said looking off in thought. “When I was still a filly, not long after I had found my way on the surface in fact, I saw an owl kill a mouse.”

“Oh it was awful, the poor little thing never stood a chance. The owl was on it in a flash and the next thing I saw it was limp as a rag in her talons. I knew that some species of birds preyed on smaller ones, seeing them chase each other around on occasion up in the clouds, but this was the first time I had ever seen an animal kill another one.”

Fluttershy gave a little shiver at the memory in a way that set off every paternal instinct in Homer’s body at once. There was something about seeing these sweet adorable ponies in any kind of distress that filled Homer with a primal urge to smash everything in sight with a big stick until they were safe.

But given he was a guest in someone else’s home and she probably wouldn’t appreciate him trashing the place, Homer settled for picking her up and settling her on his lap like she was a cat, petting the area of her back between her wings.

Fluttershy had to giggle at this. “Thanks Homer, but I’m okay...though I guess you don’t have to stop if you don’t want to.” She added giving a pleased little noise at the sensation. “Anyway, I was in tears until I saw the owl carry the body back to her nest. Waiting for her were three adorable little owlets, all poofy and bouncy.”

“And as I watched the owl feed her young I realized that she wasn’t being evil, she was just doing what she needed to provide for herself and her babies. As gruesome as it can get, nothing in nature is done out of malice, just survival.”

“Besides, if you have the stomach for it, even at its most violent nature can be enthralling.” Fluttershy said, giving a strange wistful look.

“I mean, have you ever seen a pack of wolves work in perfect tandem to bring down a full grown Caribou at night? The way the moon shines down, the arterial patterns of steaming blood on new fallen snow. It’s almost like some dark work of art.”

“Mmmm, Caribou…”

Angel just looked back and forth between Fluttershy and Homer as if wondering who he should be more concerned about.

“So, if I had asked one of the other girls for like, a steak, that wouldn’t have alarmed anyone?” Homer asked.

Fluttershy snapped out of her daydream and looked up at the ceiling thoughtfully. “Mmm, well I can’t say it wouldn’t have been awkward. And if the Flower Stand Trio were in earshot I could almost guarantee some mild panicked stampeding. But I’m sure we could have figured something out.”

“In fact,” Fluttershy said, hopping off of Homer’s lap. “Not only do I have some possible ideas for something we could do for you later on after I’ve done some prep work, there’s something I can get you right now that could tide you over until then. Be right back!”

Fluttershy took off for the kitchen leaving Homer alone with Angel, who was still giving him a wary look. “Look I said I wasn’t going to try and eat you guys and I meant it okay?” Angel just kept staring.

“Ugh fine I’ll do the thing.” Homer sighed as he began to recite the oath. “Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.”

Angel squinted at Homer for a moment before he shrugged and gave a whistle. Suddenly all of the animals from earlier were starting to reappear from various burrows and hiding places to approach.

To Homer’s surprise several of the smaller ones began to scamper up the couch and onto his shoulders making little curious noises. “Huh, well this is oddly nostalgic,” Homer said looking at the teeming wildlife.

“Okay I’m going to tell you what I told the last bunch of animals I attracted. Don’t follow me into the shower and don’t use me as a toilet and we’ll be fine, deal?” To his surprise this got an understanding nod from just about every animal present.

“Aww, looks like they are getting used to having you around.” Fluttershy said, looking quite pleased as she came back with a plate covered by a little cloth. “Now I know it’s not meat, but I think you’ll like it!”

The little pegasus pulled away the cloth revealing something that made Homer’s pupils expand. It was an egg and cheese sandwich, fresh and steaming and glistening with the promise of clogged arteries.

“Sweet...merciful...crap.” Homer exclaimed in awe, snatching the sandwich off the plate, watching as droplets of grease dripped off of it in rhythm with his own drool. “Uh...the birds won’t mind if I eat this right?” He asked, noticing how many were gathered.

“Oh no, without a male to fertilize it, an egg is basically just a lump of protein. You go right ahead and dive right in.” Fluttershy said positively beaming at Homer’s excitement.

Homer proceeded to do just that, taking an enormous bite and letting out a deep pleased groan as the flavors hit him all at once. “Oh my god that’s better then sex!”

. “Mmm, debatable.” Fluttershy said with just a hint of a tease in her voice, causing Homer to become the first person in Equestria to choke on an egg sandwich.

Author's Note

You know it's funny, last chapter I struggled because I didn't have as many ideas for how Homer would get along with Rainbow Dash, and this chapter I struggled because I had too MANY for Fluttershy. I lost count of how many times I rewrote the first half of this chapter, especially in regards to Homer's first encounter with Fluttershy's animals.

Still, I think the end result turned out alright, if nothing else I got to pay homage to one of my favorite Simpson gags of all time (hint, replace Angel with a certain kitchen appliance) and I got to delve into the matter of how Fluttershy views eating meat in general.

This was something I wanted to approach for a while as I liked the idea of Fluttershy being fully versed in even the darker sides of nature. Speaking of dark, I'm...not entirely sure how Fluttershy turned out the way she did but hey, sometimes character can take on traits of their own when you aren't looking.

As for the next chapter I'm...a little torn. On one hand I could do a regular chapter with Homer spending time with *rolls my dice* Pinkie Pie. Orrrrrrr, I could give you guys a hilariously out of season dubiously canonical Halloween one that finally delves into the whole 'No Beer and No Tv Make Homer Something Something' I'd love to hear your thoughts along with your general feedback :pinkiehappy:

Treehouse of Horror Episode 4: Homer Strikes Back (the title will make sense eventually I swear)

Homer in Equestria: The Less Than Epic Saga
By Barry the Brony

It was a dark and stormy night. The Ponyville weather team had seen to that.

Yet as hard as the wind howled, as loud as the thunder boomed and as often as lightning streaked across the sky, Pinkie Pie hardly even noticed. She was too busy looking for Homer to worry about the storm.

“Homer? Oh Hooo-merrr?” Pinkie Pie called out as she walked down the hallway, the lightning flashing again and casting strange shadows all over the walls. It didn’t seem likely to lose someone as big as Homer in a place as relatively small as Sugarcube Corner yet here the little pink party pony was, going from room to room.

Yet curiously Homer wasn’t in one of his usual spots grazing from the biggest bag of chocolate chips he could find. Poking her head back out she noticed a light was on under the door a little ways down the hallway.

“Ooh, maybe he’s in there!” Pinkie said trotting along with an adorable little ‘la-lala-lala’ before opening the door. The room inside was surprisingly spacious, the only thing of immediate notice being a table with a typewriter.

Pinkie gave the typewriter an odd look. “That’s weird, I don’t remember us having this room or a typewriter. Oh well!”

Pinkie peered at what had been written but it looked like only two words had been typed out. “‘Feelin’ fine’ huh. Well that’s good to kn-”

There was an almost blinding flash of lightning from a nearby window, and in that split second of perfect clarity Pinkie Pie could suddenly see that the person who had typed out those two words had written more.

Much, much more.

Scrawled out on the walls, the floor, even on the ceiling, was the phrase ‘NO TV AND NO BEER MAKE HOMER GO CRAZY’ repeated over and over in enormous lettering, stretching from one corner of the room to the next.

Pinkie took this all in, squinting as the lightning kept flashing from outside. “Hmm, I’m starting to think something might be bothering Homer...”

“HELLO!” The door to the room suddenly burst open revealing Homer standing there. Most ponies would have noticed something seemed...off about Homer. What few hairs he had were in disarray and there was a manic gleam in his eye.

Most ponies however were not Pinkie Pie.

“Hiya Homer!” She chirped waving a hoof.

Homer seemed to falter a little, looking like he had expected a different reaction. “Uh...hi.” He seemed to collect himself slipping back into his earlier behavior.

“Well Pinkie, what do you think? All I need is a title,” He said in a low menacing voice walking towards her. “I was thinking along the lines of ‘No TV and no beer make Homer something something.’”

“Ooh, is this a guessing game? I love those!” Pinkie said, clapping her hooves. “Okay so you ended it with ‘something something’ meaning two words soooo-no no, don’t tell me I can get this!” Pinkie Pie said, holding up a hoof to cut Homer off as he tried to speak.

“Is iiit…’play hopscotch?’”

“Uh, no.”

“Hmm, is iiit ‘go fishing’?”

“Well a little seafood would be pretty good right about n-I mean no!” Homer said, shaking his head trying to stay focused. “Just...here.”

He walked over to the typewriter and clacked something out below where he had written earlier and handed the paper over to Pinkie. “Here, just say these two words out loud.”

“Oh alright, but I totally could have guessed it just so you know!” Pinkie Pie said as she read what Homer had typed out. “You mean where it says ‘go crazy’?”

“Thank you,” Homer said before he cleared his throat. “Now...DON’T MIND IF I DO!” He suddenly screamed his face contorting into a series of bizarre and manic expressions one after another all while gibbering and babbling like a loon.

Even in his current state Homer eventually noticed something wasn’t right when a few seconds in Pinkie had started babbling and making weird faces too. “Uh...Pinkie? What are you doing?”

“Oh I saw you were making funny faces and figured I’d join in!” Pinkie said cheerfully. “Yours are pretty good, but I’ve been doing faces for years, in fact,” Pinkie turned away for a moment messing with her face while hiding it from view. “I bet you can’t make a face crazier than this!”

There was another flash of lightning perfectly timed to give full illumination to Pinkie’s face as she whirled around. Somehow she had contorted her face to resemble a photorealistic version of a regular Earth horse, the expression combining with her candy colored coat to produce an effect that was...well terrifying.

Homer let out a blood curdling shriek, his eyes nearly popping out of his head. Grabbing the typewriter and hurling it through a nearby window, Homer dove out and hit the ground rolling, still screaming as he ran off into the night.

Pinkie just sat there tilting her head. “Huh, guess I won.”

***

Some time later that night Pinkie Pie was in Twilight’s castle along with the rest of the girls. The storm was still raging in full force outside, but as much of an eyesore as the garish crystal tree/castle hybrid was, it was nothing if not sturdy.

“...And that’s what happened Twilight! I tried to find Homer but I lost track of him in the storm so I figured I should come get you guys.” Pinkie finished explaining.

Twilight frowned looking down at the ground in thought as she started to pace. “This is bad, from what you describe Pinkie it sounds like Homer may be experiencing a genuine psychotic episode.”

“Oh no poor Homer. To be honest I’ve been a little worried something like this might happen eventually. I’ve seen animals removed from their natural environment have all kinds of emotional issues.” Fluttershy said.

“That may be part of the reason, but I think what Homer may be suffering is an extreme case of substance withdrawal,” Twilight said, stopping to look out the window.

“From what he’s told me, this beer stuff is something Homer indulged in on a regular basis back home, often to the point of excess. Though I’m still a bit fuzzy on what exactly ‘teevee’ is aside from a source of stories and information.”

“The point is, being without it for so long has clearly had a negative impact on his state of mind.”

“Do you think there’s a chance he could hurt someone while he’s like this dear?” Rarity asked, visibly nervous about the idea judging by how she kept using her magic to play with her hair.

“Well it’s not like he’s armed or anything right?” Rainbow Dash asked. “I’m not saying we shouldn’t help him but are we sure this is that big a deal? I mean it’s not like how when Twilight went crazy she caused a riot with an enchanted doll.”

Twilight’s face turned bright red at the memory of what had been easily one of her biggest freak outs of her life. Surprisingly though it was Applejack who drew everyone else’s attention away, clearing her throat loudly.

“Ah-hem. Well, not to alarm anyone but it’s, ah-heh, sort of funny that you would mention that bit about being armed Rainbow Dash,” Applejack said, taking off her hat and holding it in her hooves. “I was going to mention it sooner but Homer stopped by the farm earlier tonight and…”

***

“Hey Applejack can I borrow your axe?”

“My axe? What’cha need that for?”

“For chopping stuff.”

“Stuff?”

“Yeah you know just...stuff.”

“Well alright just as long as you give it back when you’re done.”

“Thanks Applejack. Heh-heh, so naive...”

“You say something Homer?”

“Uh no, not at all! Heh-heh, so naive…”

***

“In hindsight maybe I should have asked a few more questions.” Applejack said while everyone else did a collective facehoof.

“Okay so let me get this straight: Homer’s gone nuts and now he’s wandering around Ponyville with an axe?! How are we not hearing half the town running around screaming in panic right now?” Rainbow Dash cried throwing up her hooves.

“Well if everyone is holed up because of the storm I doubt anyone will be out and about to run into him, but the sooner we get Homer under control the better, we don’t want anyone to get hurt, including him.” Fluttershy said her face settling into an expression of adorable determination.

“Fluttershy’s right. The question is how do we actually do that.” Twilight said as she started to pace again. “Okay, so the first time Homer found out Equestria didn’t have beer or teevee he freaked out, but he calmed down when Pinkie showed he still had access to something he regularly craved IE sweets. What else has he been talking about missing lately?”

“His family?” Rainbow Dash offered.

“That’s the big one, but I don’t know how we could make that work. If we tried to make an illusion of his wife and children it could only make his breakdown worse and it’s not like we can just put on a couple wigs and costumes and pretend to be his family.”

“Though I do think Fluttershy would look lovely in that green dress Marge is wearing in the photos Homer showed us. It would really bring out the color of her eyes” Rarity added.

“Aww, thank you Rarity.” Fluttershy said blushing at the compliment.

“Oooh! Ooh! I have an idea, pick me pick me pick me!” Pinkie said literally bouncing up and down as she held up her hoof like a schoolchild trying to get the teacher’s attention.

“Yes Pinkie?” Twilight said with only the slightest touch of exasperation in her voice.

“Wellll, Homer really loves all the sweets at Sugarcube Corner, but there’s something he’s been really hankering for that I think would be best if it came from someone who specializes in it!”

Pinkie hopped over and started to whisper in Twilight’s ear, and slowly but surely the little Alicorn’s eyes lit up. “That’s not a bad idea Pinkie! Homer’s mentioned those more than a couple times during our weekly catchup sessions, maybe that could snap him out of this!”

“Maybe what could?” Applejack asked.

“I’ll explain later, Rainbow Dash how soon do you think you could make it to Canterlot and back in this storm?”

“Pfft, I can be back within the hour, no sweat Twilight!” Rainbow Dash said snapping a salute in mid air. “You sure you guys will be okay without me though?”

“If we can lure Homer into the castle and seal him in, I’m pretty sure we can stall him until you get back with what we need. Here,” Twilight scribbled something down on a piece of paper and handed it over. “Everything we need is on this list.”

“I’m on it Twilight, be back in a flash!” Rainbow Dash said before taking off like a shot, streaking away in a rainbow colored contrail.

“Okay, now we just need a way to lure Homer to us.” Twilight said turning back to the others.

“Oh you just leave that to me Twilight!” Pinkie Pie said with a big grin.

***

Standing outside the castle drenched with the rain, Homer looked up with a confused expression. Hanging on the outside of the castle was a gigantic neon sign with the words ‘FREE TEEVEE AND FREE BEER!’ in flashing letters that he was pretty sure hadn’t been there a few minutes ago.

“Hmmm, this seems suspicious...good thing I’m too crazy to care!” Homer took off towards the castle cackling like a maniac.

***

As soon as Homer set foot in the castle a quickly constructed ward sealed the door shut and alerted Twilight via a buzzing of her horn. “Okay he’s inside. Now I already explained the situation to Spike so he’ll be lying low until we subdue Homer, now we wait for him to come to us.”

The rest of the girls nodded and took up positions inside the throne room staying out of sight as they waited for Homer to come through the door…

***

With crazed animalistic force Homer swung the axe again and again, the doorway splintering into shards with every strike. As soon as a big enough hole was made he stuck his face in it with a terrifying grin. “Heeeere's Johnny!”

Only to blink at the sight of an apparently empty room.

“D’OH!”

***

And waited…

***

Another door broke from the manic blows of Homer’s axe, his face appearing in the newly made hole. “Jay Leno returns to Late Night!” Again, nothing but an empty room. “D’OH! How many rooms does this stupid castle have?!”

***

Aaaaaand waited…

***

Many, many doors later Homer heaved for breath, barely able to lift up the axe in between swings. “Hahhh….hahhh...so many doors...running out of references...down to...Sean Hannity on Fox News.” Homer paused in mid swing and shuddered. “Ewww.”

Peeking an eye through the crack he made in the door, Homer groaned at the sight of yet another room devoid of victims. “Ah nuts to this I’m going to get something to eat, think I passed a kitchen five doors back…”

***

By now all the tension had been drained away in the throne room and had been replaced by sheer boredom. Pinkie Pie and Applejack had even pulled out a deck of cards and were currently playing poker.

“Okay, maybe I overlooked how easy it is to get lost in this castle.” Twilight admitted. “Okay new plan, let’s split up and look for him. And remember, be careful but even if things get hairy, non lethal force only. We need Homer alive.”

“To get him back home or so you can finish your thesis?” Rarity asked arching a delicate eyebrow.

“It can be both!” Twilight said with a huff.

***

Homer came out of the kitchen holding the axe in one hand and a half eaten grilled cheese sandwich in the other. “Now what was I doing again?” He mused taking another bite. “Oh! Right, murder.” He said through a mouthful of food.

Suddenly Homer heard a familiar ‘boink-boink-boink’ sound. Peering around the corner Homer saw Pinkie literally bounce by. But when he turned the corner she was nowhere to be seen.

“What in the...hey you!” He turned to a pony (who was clearly Pinkie Pie) wearing a bowler hat, a monocle and a mustache. “You see a little pink pony go by here?”

“Pink pony you say? Hmm,” Pinkie Pie lifted a pipe to her mouth and blew a few bubbles. “Did she have hair like this?” She lifted the hat letting her usual hairdo spring free once more.

“Yes.”

“Aaaand does she have a Cutie Mark like this?” Pinkie Pie gestured to her distinctive marking of two blue balloons and a yellow one on her flank.”

“Yes!”

“Aaaand does she bounce around like this?” Pinkie Pie gave a series of little hops around Homer causing her to make that distinct ‘boink’ sound each time.

“Yes that’s her exactly!”

“Sorry, haven’t seen her.” Pinkie Pie said, giving a little shrug.

“Oh, well okay thank you for your time,” Homer said, sounding disappointed as he turned and walked away.

He had only made four steps before he stopped suddenly. “Hey wait a minute-” Homer whirled around but it was too late, Pinkie Pie had already left. “DAMN IT! She pulled a Bugs Bunny.”

***

“Girls? Oh gii-iirls?” Homer called out in an eerie singsong voice as he walked down a hallway axe in hand. “Come out come out wherever you are, I have a surprise for youuu.”

Homer stopped suddenly hearing a whimper behind a closed door. Grinning maniacally, he suddenly kicked it open revealing Rarity who pressed herself up against the wall with a shriek.

“Oh help! Help! Won’t someone please save me!” Rarity cried, raising a hoof to her forehead.

“Now hold still Rarity, I’m just going to take a little off the top!” Homer cackled brandishing the axe as he stepped into the room-

And paused as he heard, right next to his head, the sound of someone taking a very deep breath.

With a sound like an acetylene torch going off, Spike, who had been perched on one of the castle’s many many bookshelves, breathed out and enveloped Homer’s head in emerald fire.

After standing there screaming his lungs out for a good six seconds Homer finally got the idea to move away from the flames and took off down the hallway, his head blazing like a torch.

“What do you think dear? Was that too much ‘damsel in distress’ or just the right amount?” Rarity asked Spike.

“Not bad but the whole ‘hoof to the head’ thing was pretty obvious so I’m going to have to dock a couple points for that.”

“Everyone’s a critic,” Rarity said with a titter as she gently stroked the top of the little dragon’s head. “Now back to bed with you Spike, I’d be the first person to tell you the importance of getting your beauty rest.”

“You sure you guys don’t need my help?” Spike asked looking up at Rarity.

Before she could answer the little dragon they heard a door being kicked open followed by a loud splash and a drawn out groan. Noticing light and steam from an open door, Rarity and Spike peeked around the corner and saw Homer in one of the castle bathrooms on his knees, his head submerged in a toilet.

“I think we’ll manage.” Rarity said arching an eyebrow.

***

Fluttershy looked out a window as the storm raged, giving a small anxious sound and ruffling her wings a bit. “Ohh, this storm really isn’t letting up is it? I’m glad Homer isn’t out there soaking wet and catching a cold, but I’m so worried about his mental health right now. I hope we can help him get better”

Standing a ways away Homer looked at Fluttershy, then down at the axe in his hands, and then back to her before he gave a little ‘pfft’. “Oh to hell with this, there’s being crazy and then there’s just plain being a dick.”

“Hmm?” Fluttershy turned her head but just missed Homer slipping away. “I thought I heard something…”

***

Twilight just stared blankly at what she could only assume was Homer’s attempt at a booby trap.

Ever since becoming an Alicorn Twilight had strived not to let her new status get to her head. That said Twilight couldn’t help but think she merited a bit more effort then the old ‘box held up by a stick tied to a string’ bit.

“Heh-heh-heh,” Homer chuckled softly under his breath as he watched from around the corner. “‘Step into my parlor’ said the spider to the...uh, not spider.”

Giving a little sigh, Twilight’s horn glowed as she simply levitated the book out from under the box and walked away.

“D’OH!”

***

After a while Twilight, Rarity, Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy had regrouped in the library to discuss their experiences (or lack thereof in Fluttershy’s case) and came to a conclusion.

“Homer’s not very good at this is he?” Twilight said returning the book Homer had taken back to it’s rightful spot on the shelves.

“I must admit thus far his rampage has been a bit...underwhelming.” Rarity said delicately. “I mean he’s certainly no King Sombra or Lord Tirek that’s for sure.”

“I wasn’t even sure if my disguise was going to be enough to fool him at first to be honest.” Pinkie admitted.

“Maybe he just needs more practice?” Fluttershy offered. “I’m sure if he puts his mind to it he could at least maim one of us, we should give him another chance.”

There was a nine months pregnant pause as the other three ponies gathered just stared at Fluttershy before she caught onto the problem.

“Oh, right, we’re supposed to be discouraging the attempted murder. Sorry, I’m so used to us encouraging ponies to believe in themselves it’s a little hard to switch off.” She said rubbing the back of her head sheepishly.

“Well regardless we should still stay alert until Rainbow Dash comes back,” Twilight said, her ear flicking as she heard the door to the library open followed by the sound of hooves indicating Applejack had arrived.

“Just because Homer hasn’t done any real damage so far doesn’t mean he can’t get in a lucky-SWEET CELESTIA APPLEJACK, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?!”

“Whatcha mean Sugarcube?” Applejack asked, blinking at how everyone was suddenly gawking at her, aside from Rarity who had already fainted. “What, do I have something on my face?”

“Ah, it’s not so much what’s on your face as it is what’s on your back.” Pinkie Pie said.

“Oh dear, I think I spoke too soon about the maiming. Stay right there Applejack I’ll go get my first aid kit!” Fluttershy said, taking off like a shot.

“Applejack you have an axe sticking into your back!” Twilight said, throwing up her hooves.

“I do?” Applejack blinked and turned her head as if only just noticing Homer’s axe was buried an inch or two deep in her back at an angle. “Huh, wouldja look at that.”

“How can you be so calm?! Or even be standing upright for that matter?”

“Calm down Twilight I’m an Earth Pony remember?” Applejack said, looking more annoyed than anything at the presence of the axe embedded in her flesh. “It’d be easier to list the things that could kill me then what can’t.”

“But I mean, what happened?! You didn’t see Homer take a swing at you?” Twilight pressed on.

“Not really, the way I figure it must have been while I was out looking for him. I checked a few halls, opened a few doors, then I decided to come back this way when I heard y’all talking.”

“So Homer hit you in the back with an axe, and you didn’t even notice?” Twilight sputtered her expression somewhere between horror and exasperation.

Applejack shrugged, only then giving a slight wince and rolling her shoulders in discomfort. “Well I won’t say it doesn’t ache a bit, but I just figured I pulled something this morning when I was moving all the farm equipment into the barn before the rain started.”

“I...you...but…” The little purple Alicorn was sputtering like a car engine in desperate need of a tune up by now. Knowing her friend was only worried about her Applejack gave Twilight a hug and a reassuring smile.

“Sugarcube you’ve known me long enough to see just how stubborn I can be when I set my mind to it. It’s going to take a lot more than a cheap shot with one of my own tools to put this Apple in the ground, promise.”

“...Will you at least let me take the axe out so Fluttershy and I can take care of the wound?” Twilight said weakly.

“Would you hun? It’s starting to itch something fierce.”

Just as Twilight sighed and was removing the axe there was a knock on the door to the library.

“Who iiis iiiit?” Pinkie Pie sang out.

“Hey guys? Can I have my axe back?” Homer said from the other side of the door. “Applejack kind of walked off with it.”

“Are you going to try and use it on us again?” Twilight asked, glaring at the door.

“Uh...maybe.”

“Homer it was my axe to begin with, and I sure as shoot wouldn’t have let you borrow it in the first place if I knew you were going to take a swing at me with it!” Applejack groused even as the axe was pulled loose and Twilight began to apply her healing magic.

“Come on! Pretty please, with frosting and sprinkles on top?”

As one every other pony in the room, aside from Rarity who was still passed out on the floor, simultaneously turned to look at Pinkie Pie. “What? I’m not going to suggest we let him in just because he asked with dessert toppings.” She said sounding just a smidge defensive.

“Just making sure,” Twilight said before turning to the door. “Now for the last time Homer you can’t have the axe back unless you can prove you aren’t crazy anymore. I’m talking full spectrum testing buster!”

“Okay fine, I’ll find something else to use! Jeez you try and kill someone and suddenly they’re all judgmental about you…” Homer’s voice trailed off as he walked away.

“Ugh, Rainbow Dash can’t come back soon enough.” Twilight groaned rubbing between her eyes with a hoof. “I don’t know how much more of this I can take.”

“Well at least now he doesn’t have the axe,” Fluttershy offered as she finished wrapping a couple bandages around Applejack’s midsection. “I mean how much more dangerous can he get at this point?”

There was dead silence before Pinkie Pie just sighed, looked up at the ceiling and slowly counted down. “Three...two...o-”

The door to the library abruptly exploded into a shower of debris and snarling metal as Homer stood there wielding a chainsaw and wearing a hockey mask. “HEY GUYS LOOK WHAT I FOUND IN A CLOSET!”

“Ugh what is that horrible racket?” Rarity groaned as she came to, holding her head with one hoof before she noticed Homer looming over her. “...Oh, I suppose that’s my cue then.” She said before taking a deep breath and letting out an ear splitting scream.

Twilight screamed too, though in her case it was to form words. “THIS WAY!” She led the others through a second door out of the library with Homer in hot pursuit.

“WHERE IN THE SAM HELL DID HE FIND A CHAINSAW?!” Applejack roared as despite her wound she kept pace with the rest of the girls as they fled.

“I don’t know! I swear everytime I turn around I find a new room in this stupid castle! Just yesterday Spike and I found a game room, an indoor pool and a sauna!”

“You have a sauna?!” Rarity asked her eyes sparkling with excitement before she noticed the look everyone else was giving her. “Right sorry, not the time.”

They rounded a corner only for everyone to come skidding to a stop at the sight of a dead end. “What the-WHY IS THIS EVEN HERE?!” Twilight screamed.

“Eh, got to get us cornered for the finale somehow.” Pinkie said, giving a little ‘what can you do’ shrug.

Right on cue Homer came around the corner still brandishing the chainsaw. It snarled and threw off sparks as Homer gave it another rev, as if the machine itself was alive and enraged.

“Twilight dear this would be an excellent time for you to cast a spell!” Rarity said as they backed up against the wall.

“Sorry Rarity, I’m terrified beyond the capacity for rational thought.” The little alicorn said shaking like a leaf.

“What she said!” Fluttershy whimpered covering her eyes with her wings.

Applejack pawed the ground and gave a snort, but even she looked worried.

Pinkie just looked...thoughtful. Her left ear flicked, her eyes narrowed and she gave a soft ‘hmm’ as she did something most ponies wouldn’t expect her to do very often.

Pinkie focused.

Long ago her teacher, Fluffle Puff, had taught her everything the little pink party pony knew about manipulating the fourth wall in pursuit of a gag. It was in many ways as complicated and demanding as any form of spellcasting, requiring intense focus as to not lose one’s self in the din of the multiverse.

Just as her teacher had shown her, Pinkie lowered the barriers keeping her mind from wandering too far into the vast pathways of cross dimensional pop cultural references that connected most of creation. Time seemed to slow to a crawl, her eyes going distant and almost vacant.

She couldn’t do this for long, Pinkie was really only supposed to do this in quick bursts for the sake of a specific gag, but if she could just find the right quote, the right reference, it might just reach Homer through all the craziness.

There, deep within the turmoil of Homer’s thoughts Pinkie could see something nestled deep in his heart resonating at a frequency only someone with this kind of training could pinpoint, as precious to him as any family member or snack food. She allowed it to connect with her thoughts, information flowing between Kwyjbo and pony…

And with a start Pinkie snapped out of it, knowing what she had to do. Ignoring her friends calling for her to come back, she walked forward to meet Homer even as he stalked down the hallway the two of them meeting halfway.

Pinkie Pie looked up into that hockey mask, peering into those dark seemingly empty eye holes and picturing the kind simple gaze behind them and spoke, her voice somehow carrying even over the growl of the chainsaw.

“Homer, if you strike me down now, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.”

Homer jerked as if he had been physically struck, his eyes now visible behind the hockey mask, staring down at Pinkie wide with shock.

“That....that’s from Star Wars.” He said, lowering the chainsaw.

“Is anybody else hearing an orchestral piece playing all of a sudden?” Fluttershy whispered, lifting her head up and looking around in confusion.

“Shh, Pinkie’s...well I don’t know what she’s doing but it’s having some kind of effect on Homer so let’s keep quiet and trust she knows what she’s doing.” Twilight whispered back.

“Come with me.” Pinkie offered Homer her little pink hoof her voice gentle, tender. “Come back to us Homer.”

Homer visibly trembled. “You don’t know the power of no tv and no beer...I must obey my madness.” He gave the chainsaw a sudden rev making everyone except Pinkie Pie flinch and cry out.

“Search your feelings Homer, I feel the conflict within you, let go of your rage!” Pinkie pleaded, her eyes glistening.

Homer closed his eyes and turned away, his voice heavy with emotion. “It is...too late for me Pinkie.” He suddenly lifted up the chainsaw giving it another rev.

But Pinkie’s words had set something in motion. Like how the first few rumbles of snow build to an avalanche, the references were unleashing a torrent of memories. Memories of timeless tales of good prevailing over evil, of personal redemption, of love and friendship that transcended generations.

The darkness only had so much to offer Homer. It was a maelstrom of rage and fear and madness born of a deep and terrible longing for not only his home but everything that made it a home. Little by little it receded and finally dissipated.

The chainsaw fell to the ground with a clatter followed by Homer’s knees. “Oh my god, what am I doing? I’ve turned my back on everything those movies taught me about right and wrong!”

“Look at me, trying to murder innocent children, I’ve...I’ve…” Homer suddenly threw his fists up to the sky and roared. “I’VE BECOME HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN!!!” Homer curled up on the floor weeping uncontrollably.

“Oh Homer, you’re not Hayden Christensen.” Pinkie cooed gently rubbing Homer’s back.

“I’m not?” Homer asked looking up at her.

“No,” Pinkie said, still speaking in that soft almost motherly tone. “You could never be that much of a whiny little bitch.”

Homer stared up at her before his eyes got huge and watery. “That’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me in my entire life...I DON’T DESERVE YOUR FRIENDSHIP!” He bawled scooping Pinkie Pie up and squeezing her like a stuffed animal.

“Well you’ve got it anyway.” Pinkie said hugging him back just as hard.

The rest of the girls just...stared. They could tell something significant had just happened but they had no idea what. “Um, that’s...sweet...I guess?” Twilight said blinking slowly.

“Should we maybe consider getting rid of the chainsaw now?” Rarity suggested. Twilight nodded, picking up the power tool with her magic and tossing it into a room hard enough to break something by the sound of it.

“Homer...are you really back?” Fluttershy asked looking up at him as they gathered slowly around him.

“Yeah,” Homer sighed nodding. “It’s me, not that that’s much of an improvement over the way I was.”

“Considering your not screaming and waving around something with a lot of sharp edges anymore I’d call that a pretty big improvement Sugarcube.” Applejack said softly. “Course that’s usually a pretty low bar to clear most days.”

“Yeah I know,” Homer said glumly, his head hung in shame. “I know you kids are trying to get me through this, but I guess I started missing everything I took for granted back home so bad something just...snapped.”

“It’s not just tv or beer I miss, it’s the people I experienced those things with. Hanging out at Moe’s with Barney and the gang at the end of a long week at work, or even just curling up with Marge and the kids in front of the tv at the end of the day.”

“Is that why you went nuts? You were homesick and it just became more than you could handle?” Twilight asked.

“Well, that and a long history of serious psychological problems if I’m being honest with myself.” Homer said rubbing the back of his head. “But uh, sure let’s chalk it up to being homesick.”

Twilight flattened her gaze for a moment before she sighed and shook her head. “I don’t think I will ever fully understand you Homer,” She said before hugging him tightly. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t care about you.”

“Sooo, am I off the hook then?” Homer asked.

“Well, we do have a history of forgiving people who’ve tried to wreck and/or end our lives,” Fluttershy admitted. “Princess Luna back when she was Nightmare Moon, Discord, Discord again when he ran off with Tirek…” She started rattling off.

“Yeah, Twilight even made the last big baddie we faced her apprentice, and Starlight Glimmer messed with the timeline enough to create a half a dozen horrible futures for all of Equestria!” Pinkie chirped before she turned thoughtful.

“Or has that not happened yet in this continuity? I mean we haven’t seen or heard from her fifteen chapters in and this chapter is kind of off on it’s own but…” Pinkie trailed off noticing everyone just staring at her. “Oops, sorry got a little too meta for a moment. Doing all those quotes must still be making me extra aware of the fourth wall.” Pinkie said with a giggle.

“Just what were you and Homer referencing anyway?” Rarity asked curious now that the threat of imminent death was back to acceptable levels of probability for any given day of the week in Ponyville. “Something about wars in stars?”

“Oh you mean Star Wars? Oh man where do I even begin describing that?” Homer said before he paused, his eyes widening. “Oh my god, that’s it! I know how I can make this all up to you guys!”

“By Pinkie Promising never to go on a murderous rampage ever again?” Twilight asked arching an eyebrow.

“N-well actually I should do that too, but no I meant something else! Pinkie how fast can you throw together a puppet show?”

Pinkie just smirked and held up a couple of hoof puppets she seemed to have made when nobody was looking. One was the upper body of a shiny golden humanoid robot, the other was of a ridiculously hairy creature that resembled a cross between a bear and a gorilla.

“Perfect! Okay, all we need now are snacks and a lot of them.” Homer said, and as if that had been her cue all along Rainbow Dash suddenly zipped into view lugging a big burlap sack.

“Hey guys, sorry I took so long, did I miss anything? Is Homer still crazy?” Rainbow Dash said sounding just the slightest bit winded.

Homer and the rest of the girls just looked at each other and shrugged. “Eh, no more than usual at least. Anyway Pinkie and I reconciled over pop culture references, Rarity and Spike set my head on fire, Twilight forgot to use her magic, Applejack no selled an axe to the back and Fluttershy kind of took a backseat in the whole thing.”

Twilight frowned. “Forgot to use my-?” Her eyes suddenly went wide before she threw back her head and screamed. “DAMN IT I DID IT AGAIN!” She settled down a little after Homer started scratching her ear but she could still be heard audibly grumbling.

Rainbow Dash just nodded knowingly. “Yeah I figured it would be something along those lines. Still, I made sure to come back as soon as I could with what Twilight had me pick up in Canterlot just in case.” She reached into the sack and pulled out-

“Oh my god DONUTS!” Twilight and the rest of the girls took one look at Homer’s expression and wisely cleared a path for him to scramble down the hallway to take the precious treat from Rainbow Dash. “Ohhh sweet, beautiful confection of the gods, how I have longed for thee.” He said cradling the pink frosted plain donut laden with sprinkles in every color of the rainbow.

“Donuts? How is that any different from everything he usually eats at Sugarcube Corner?” Fluttershy asked, blinking at how much Homer was salivating.

“It’s a sweets thing Fluttershy, different cravings require different kinds and when it comes to donuts you just can’t beat a fresh batch from Donut Joe’s in Canterlot.” Pinkie Pie explained.

Meanwhile Homer had already stuffed his face with at least three donuts when he stopped and visibly restrained himself from just diving head first into the open bag. “Oh right, snacks for sharing. Okay give me and Pinkie a little time to plan this out and everyone meets in the library, Spike too he’s gonna love this.”

***

The tiny red glow stick held by the puppet in black armor and a cape clashed with the other puppet’s blue glow stick in a furious display. The fact that the sound effects for the ‘lightsabers’ were being made by mouth took surprisingly little from the intensity of the mock battle.

Finally the armored puppet’s glow stick slashed up at the other puppet’s little hand, and when the brown haired puppet in white let out a cry of anguish said hand was discretely tugged off by a hoof to give the appearance of being severed clean off, prompting a collective gasp from Twilight, Spike, Rarity, Applejack, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy.

Homer’s voice rumbled out from the puppet in black armor, making full use of his deeper pitch. “There is no escape, don’t make me destroy you.”

The armored puppet continued speaking even as the other puppet staggered and attempted to create some distance between them, clambering onto a precarious fixture made from toothpicks. “Luke, you do not yet realize your importance. You have only begun to discover your power.”

“Join me, and I will complete your training. With our combined strength we can end this destructive conflict and bring order to the galaxy!”

Pinkie Pie replied in a rough haggard voice meant to sound masculine, her puppet trembling. “I’ll never join you!”

“If you only knew the power of the Dark Side.” Homer rumbled. “Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.”

Spike and the girls leaned in, eyes wide as if sensing by sheer instinct something was about to unfold.

Pinkie’s puppet Luke spoke again. “He told me enough! He told me you killed him!”

There was the briefest pause from the armored puppet as Homer prepared himself to give the next line the full gravity it deserved, until the library seemed to crackle with tension, and then.

“No...I am your father.”

Applejack went pale, Rarity swooned, Fluttershy let out a terrified squeak, Rainbow Dash swore under her breath, and Twilight gave a little gulp hugging Spike to her chest like a stuffed animal. And Spike? He was in awe, his eyes sparkling as the little puppets acted out one of the most legendary scenes in hu-er, Kwyjbo storytelling.

“That’s not true! That’s impossible!” The puppet Luke cried out ‘his’ voice thick with emotion.

“Search your feelings, you know it to be true.” The armored puppet practically purred.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” The puppet Luke howled before letting out a second quieter “Noooooo…” almost in a whimper.

The audience could hardly contain themselves as the rest of the film was played out until, once the little curtain fell on the puppet stage, five ponies and a dragon leapt to their feet and or hooves and applauded.

Coming out from behind the stage Homer and Pinkie took a bow and it was hard to tell which of them had the bigger smile on their face.

“That...was...AWESOME!” Spike gushed his eyes sparkling with excitement.

“I have to admit, I didn’t think I’d get as drawn in as I did but you were right Homer these stories are pretty special.” Twilight said giggling at how Spike was practically jumping up and down. It seemed Equestria had its first Star Wars fanboy.

“Special is right, I remember seeing that one with Marge back when we were just starting to date.” Homer said, giving a nostalgic little sigh. He watched the girls start to chat amongst themselves about various things from the play feeling a rare moment of genuine pride.

There was one thing that was better than seeing a new television show or film, and that was sharing an old favorite with someone else for the first time.

Reliving his favorite scenes from the original trilogy and seeing how enthralled Spike and the girls had become, the warmth it filled his heart with made the evening’s mayhem already feel like a distant memory.

Homer was snapped out of his thoughts by the feeling of someone nuzzling up against his side. Looking down he smiled at Pinkie and stroked her hair. “You're the best Pinkie.”

“Right back atcha Homer,” Pinkie said beaming like the sun. “So! Once we have a snack break and do ‘Return of the Jedi’ what’s next, the prequels?”

“I’m...still debating that,” Homer said honestly. “I mean, they weren’t George Lucas’ best work by a long shot but they had their moments. I’m just kind of iffy about stuff like Jar Jar, the Jedi youngling massacre and pretty much anything to do with Anakin’s ‘romantic dialogue’ with Padme.” Homer said using air quotations.

“Yeah, and Applejack might blow a gasket over how they have Padme lose the will to live right on the verge of giving birth to Luke and Leia.” Pinkie admitted. “Pret-ty sure the idea of a mother abandoning the will to live when she has a couple of newborns to take care of wouldn’t sit well with a pony with her background.”

“Eh, let’s just give them the cliffnotes if they have any questions and move onto the Disney stuff after we do ‘Return of the Jedi’.” Homer suggested.

“Wait, you mean the Sequel Trilogy?” Pinkie asked, tilting her head.

“WHAT?! Oh god no I meant the Mandalorian. I’m not exposing Spike and the girls to the Disney sequels, I’ve terrorized you all enough tonight as it is.”

“Aww, you big softie!” Pinkie Pie cooed hugging him. “Ooh, I bet if we make the Baby Yoda puppet cute enough Fluttershy’s squee can crack glass!”

As Kwyjbo and pony made plans for the rest of the evening’s entertainment two bizarre creatures watched from a crack in the door to the library. The first one was Discord, watching the festivities with a bucket of popcorn (enchanted so as not to alert Homer with it’s spell).

“So you finally got around to finishing your little ‘Treehouse of Horror’ chapter,” Discord said speaking to the other creature watching through the crack in the door along with him. “How do you feel?”

The other creature was in it’s own way just as peculiar as Discord. It looked like a suit of armor in the shape of a pony wearing furs, the helmet made to resemble some nightmarish fanged visage. Deep in the empty eye sockets a pair of yellow motes of light disappeared and reappeared to resemble eyes blinking.

“Well, honestly I’m a little torn.” The creature admitted. “On one hand there’s that cynical little voice in my head all writers have, telling me I should go back and do certain scenes better, that there’s glaring plot holes and flimsy leaps of logic and overall it’s probably not my best work.”

“Bu-ut?” Discord pressed with a little smirk.

“BUT,” The armor sighed. “It does feel good to finally bring this whole idea to life and on paper, or you know, on text anyway. Certain scenes like the opening with Pinkie and Homer acting out my favorite scene from that episode of Treehouse of Horror have been bouncing around in my head for literally years.”

“So, will you be considering this canon or just a side story with no real connection to the main continuity like those Dragonball Z movies?” Discord asked.

“Probably the latter, I mean hell if Twilight could forgive Starlight Glimmer for nearly wiping out all life in Equestria maybe they really could forgive Homer for trying to kill them. But at the same time I just have a hard time imagining things going right back to normal so I’m considering this chapter canonically optional. If the reader feels like it fits, then sure it’s canon, but if not they can just consider it a fun little extra.”

“And I suppose if you were to allow yourself to be able to make more of these, oh what do the Japanese call them, ‘Omake’ chapters you can buy yourself time to figure out the rest of the plot like you should have when you first started writing?” Discord teased.

“Hey I know how it’s going to end at least!” The armor said stamping an iron hoof.

“Oh you mean the big final battle that has nearly a dozen variations depending on what song you’re listening to at work?” Discord’s smirk was bordering on insufferable at this point.

The armored pony gave an almost canine growl. “Look when my play list goes from ‘You Say Run’ to the opening theme to One Punch Man and then through a bunch of songs from Skillet there’s going to be different images in my head okay?!”

“Now ‘Barry’, you know I’m only giving you a hard time to tease you.” Discord chuckled patting the armored pony on the head. “In any case I think we should leave Homer and the others to it and call it a day.”

“Yeah I guess, hey maybe if I can put out a few more of these ‘Omake’ chapters I’ll be able to free up enough space in my head to remember my social security number without writing it down.”

“With all the Yu-Gi-Oh card stats and self insert shipping with canon characters floating around in there? It might take a while.”

“Aw shaddup.”

Author's Note

I'd say that devilishly handsome fellow with Discord, whoever he was, pretty much summed up a lot of what I was feeling after FINALLY getting this idea off the ground and into a proper chapter. Full disclosure I have a soft spot for the girls and aside from Applejack (who I couldn't resist making a Shrek reference out of) my heart wasn't in the idea of actually HURTING any of them, so the chapter eventually took on a bit of a Looney Toons angle as a result.

But as mentioned it was kind of fun putting out a chapter not directly connected to the rest of the plot, lord knows I have more ideas rattling around in my head from Homer's attempt at bringing beer to Equestria, to an Equestria Girls spinoff to well the list goes on. But trying to figure out what could work as canon and what is better as semi-canonical filler is tricky. Ah well, you all make it worth the effort :twilightsmile:

Will They or Won't They?

Homer in Equestria: The Less Than Epic Saga

By Barry the Brony

With a loud grunt, Homer kicked the door open and rushed inside, wearing a cooking pot on his head with nearly a dozen pillows lashed around his body. “CLEAR!”

From behind him Rarity poked her head out, similarly attired as she swept her gaze over the interior of the Carousel Boutique. “No sign of her yet. What now?”

“You go this way, I’ll go that way, and for god’s sake maintain visual! If we split up, the odds of one or both of us getting killed are going to skyrocket.” Homer explained with dead seriousness.

Rarity gulped.

Going in opposite directions Homer and Rarity made a slow circling of the room, their eyes darting this way and that. Homer suddenly saw a shadow move underneath the curtains of a nearby window and held up a fist for Rarity to freeze.

Very slowly, and as quietly as someone his size and weight could realistically manage, Homer tiptoed towards the window while Rarity watched. The closer he got to the window, the more she visibly perspired.

Finally, when Homer felt he was close enough, he went for it. “Ah-HAH!” He cried, throwing open the curtains to reveal...an empty windowsill. “Huh, I could have sworn I-”

A sudden sound made Homer and Rarity’s blood run cold, moreso the former given it was right next to his ear. It was a low drawn out hiss, like some terrible reptile.

Slowly, without turning his head so much as an inch, Homer looked over and saw Rarity’s cat Opalescence hanging from underneath a curtain with her claws, fur fluffed up and fangs bared.

“Clever girl…” He said with a touch of respect, eyes narrowing.

With a shrill yowl Opal launched herself at Homer’s face. Homer’s ensuing scream of pain mixed with raw terror was just as shrill.

“Opalescence no! Bad kitty!” Rarity shouted.

“SHOOT HER!” Homer screamed as he desperately tried to keep Opal’s flailing claws away from his face. “SHOOOOOT HERRRRRR!!!!”

There was a puff of air and a whistling sound before a dart appeared in the cat’s neck. Opal’s eyes dilated and then rolled up in their sockets as with a mewl she fell off Homer and hit the floor face first..

Homer sat up and panted for breath while Rarity lowered the blowgun Sweetiebelle had let her borrow. “Hahhh...hahhhh...think that did the trick?”

“Hmmm, well just to be safe…” Rarity said before reloading her blowgun while Homer grabbed his. Without hesitation they put another two darts in the cat’s neck sending her into a brief fit of muscle spasms.

“Yeah that should do it, let’s get her in the bath.”

Sometime later after Rarity had swabbed Homer’s arms and face for scratches from her cat’s claws, they took the feline in question upstairs to give her a long overdue wash.

“Oh Homer I cannot begin to tell you how much it means to me that you were willing to help me get Opalescence cleaned up.” Rarity said as she used her magic to apply several brushes to the cat while Homer held her up so she didn’t sink under the water in her current drugged state.

“Normally I’d ask Fluttershy to help but she’s busy today along with just about everypony else and I dreaded the idea of trying to get her in the bath all by myself. The last time I tried, she somehow wound up with her claws tangled in my hair.” Rarity shuddered at the memory.

“Ouch, though I can’t say I’d mind having hair long enough to get a cat tangled in,” Homer said as he ran a hand over the last few hairs on his head with a wistful sigh. “Sadly the days of a combover are long gone for me.”

Rarity blinked before looking up at Homer in surprise. “You mean you used to have more hair? I wasn’t sure if that was the normal amount for a male Kwyjbo.”

“Nah, just like ponies we have hair in all kinds of styles and lengths. I used to have a nice full head of chestnut brown hair back in my prime.”

Rarity’s eyes shone with a rather unique sympathy. Being as attached to her fabulous mane as she was, it was easy for Rarity to see how losing his hair would have been a heavy blow for Homer. “I’m so sorry I had no idea. May I ask what happened?”

“Oh I ripped it out the first two times my wife told me she was pregnant.” Homer said, and his tone was so casual it took the little unicorn a moment to really register what she had just heard.

“You what?” She asked in a flat tone.
“Well that was the first thing I did anyway. The second thing I did was run up the stairs screaming and hid in the bedroom closet.” Homer explained. “I have a stash of snacks hidden away in there I keep for emergencies.”

Rarity blinked slowly. “Forgive me if this sounds judgmental, dear, but shouldn’t finding out you are about to have a child be a cause for, I don’t know, joy and excitement?”

“Oh absolutely but that comes later. The first thing a male experiences when he finds out he’s going to be a father is pure, blind, bone deep panic.”

“Is having children really that terrifying?” Rarity asked.

“Well do you want a quick wiseass answer or something with a little more depth?”

Rarity arched a delicate brow. “I think I might benefit more from the latter than the former.”

“Fair enough. Just give me a second to think it over.” Homer said before he went very quiet and started staring off at nothing in particular. Frankly It wasn’t hard to imagine the sound of a dial up connection coming out of his ears.

Just when Rarity was starting to get a little worried Homer blinked a few times. “Okay I think I got something.” He said before he wiggled around to keep his legs from falling asleep after spending so much time on his knees holding Opal.

“So think of it like this, having kids is like having the entire center of your world suddenly shift. Up to that point a lot of your decisions are made around what’s best for you. What benefits you, what to avoid, who you consider important you want to stay close to, stuff like that.”

“But suddenly...you aren’t the most important thing in your world anymore. Now there’s this little tiny critter you helped create looking up at you like nothing else matters and it’s...it just changes you on a level you never thought was possible.”

“Suddenly you aren’t just thinking about what’s best for you, but what’s best for your family. It’s not that you don’t still enjoy the same things you did before, in fact in a way you come to cherish them even more because of how much less free time you have from now on.”

Rarity was still brushing Opal as she listened genuinely enraptured. “I see. I’ve watched the Cakes with their children and it always struck me just how much work seems to be involved in raising them.”

“Oh yeah. Take it from me Rarity, anybody who tells you raising children is a cinch is so full of crap it should be dribbling out their ears...uh, sorry I probably should have tried something a little less graphic.” Homer said noticing the little unicorn scrunch up her nose at the mental image.

“Well at the very least you are speaking with the passion of experience.” Rarity conceded.

“Passion? Yes. Experience? No. Like most things in life my approach to child rearing is a day by day scramble by the seat of my pants not to screw up in the most spectacular way possible. And you know what? It’s hard. It’s really, really, really hard.”

“I mean my son Bart is a force for chaos, my oldest daughter Lisa is so smart just about everything she says goes right over my head, and my youngest daughter Maggie can barely walk and she’s already shot my boss and hit me in the head with a mallet.”

“Good heavens, I don’t envy what any of them are going to be like as teenagers.” Rarity admitted.

“Yeah there’s a lot of dreams about that, they usually end with me waking up screaming drenched in a cold sweat.” Homer admitted. “Plus keep in mind even before I even met Marge I had a hard time keeping things alive. I killed my goldfish, my Chia Pet, my Jurassic Park Tamagotchi and even my pet rock.”

Truth be told Rarity could only recognize two of the things Homer had listed so she went with what seemed the most peculiar. “How exactly does one ‘kill’ a pet rock?”

“I thought if there was a geode inside I could sell it for cash so I hit it with a hammer.” Homer admitted with a sigh.

Rarity made a mental note not to mention this to Pinkie Pie’s sister Maude.

“Lots of parents have these big long term plans for their kids like what college they want to get them into, what they might do for a career etc etc. But for me all I can hope for is usually just to go to bed with the same number of kids I had when I woke up that morning.”

“But you know what? I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.”

Rarity blinked. “Really? But you just spent so much time complaining about being a father.”

“Well yeah, but you don’t complain about something you don’t care about. I mean, I bitch about my job all the time to my wife but I still go in every day. You mean to tell me you haven’t had days making dresses where you could just spit nails?”

“Ah, touche.” Rarity said, bowing her head in a gesture of respect. “So what you are saying is being a parent is a labor of love?”

“Absolutely!” Homer said. “I mean sure I gripe about my kids, I cut corners when I’m pressed for time, and I’m pretty sure Child Services has a file on me that’s as fat as a phone book. But I still do the best I can to raise them right, hoping they might make a few less of the mistakes I did growing up.”

“So someday if you meet a nice guy and you break the news to him that he’s going to be a dad, it’s perfectly normal for his first reaction is to run away screaming. But if they come back afterwards that’s how you know they’re a keeper.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Rarity said, her expression turning thoughtful again. “Honestly I’ve only just begun to think about, well, starting a family someday,” Rarity’s cheeks turned a bit red. “I can’t begin to imagine who I might wish to settle down with.”

“Actually that reminds me of something I’ve been meaning to ask you Rarity,” Homer said. “You know that little dragon Spike’s got a thing for you right?”

The scrubbing brushes stopped in mid stroke as Rarity gave Homer a flat look. “Goodness gracious Homer, whatever gave you that idea?” She intoned in a dull tone.

“Well it’s the little things really. The hearts that appear over his head whenever he sees you, the constant dreamy sighs, the levitating several inches off the ground in your wake a-” Homer stopped when he noticed Rarity’s eyebrow was climbing rapidly. “Oh, you were being sarcastic.”

“Yes, yes I was.” Rarity let a coy smile play along her face.

“I guess I was just wondering how you felt about him. I_I know it’s none of my business but, the thing is a while back my son Bart got a crush on an older girl and he took it pretty hard when it didn’t work out between them.” Homer said before he sighed. “I guess I just don’t like the idea of Spike going through the same thing.”

Judging from Rarity’s expression she hadn’t been expecting that for a reason behind Homer’s question, and she actually found it rather touching. She regarded Homer in silence for a moment before she smiled.

“Alright Homer, since you were willing to open up about being a father I suppose I can give you an honest answer, but not one word to Spike about this alright?” Rarity said, her eyes narrowing a bit.

It took all of a few seconds for Homer to recite the Pinky Promise. Sooner or later he was going to have to sit down and make a list of how many of them he had made so far.

“The thing is it’s not that I don’t adore Spike, but the situation between us is...complicated.” Rarity said before she noticed the look Homer was giving her. “Alright I suppose you deserve an answer with a little more detail than that. How about this, back on Earth do you have age of consent laws?”

“Well yeah, obviously you don’t want to have a kid get into a relationship with an older person before they really understand what it’s all...ohh now I get what you are saying.” Homer said as he caught on halfway through talking.

“Yeah Spike did mention he was around twelve, so just how old are y-” Homer stopped talking as he noticed the little white unicorn was glaring daggers at him.

“Care to finish that sentence Homer?” Rarity said in a tone as cold as ice, her eyes narrowed to little slits.

“Uhh...no, I sense I’ve made a mistake somehow.” Homer said, looking over at the bathroom window as if weighing the option to jump out of it as a means of escape from the irate pony.

Rarity continued to glare at him for a moment before she allowed the corner of her mouth to lift up. “That little voice in the back of your head that just told you to stop before you said something you would most certainly regret? Nurture it, care for it, and I promise you it will serve you in good stead as a husband and a gentleman alike.”

“Yes ma’am.” Homer said softly.

His answer seemed to satisfy Rarity as some of the tension left her. “Anyway, without going into the particulars, the age gap between me and Spike right now is enough that getting romantically involved with him would open Spike up to a great deal of unwanted attention.”

“Granted I’m no stranger to being on the receiving end of the occasional bit of small town gossip but I refuse to put Spike in any kind of situation where he would endure that kind of scrutiny and judgment from others. He’s been my bedrock through more than one crisis, real or self exaggerated and I simply care too much about my little drake to do anything that might hurt him.”

“Which is all fair enough, but couldn’t you simply wait a few years for Spike to get a little older and then see where things go from there?” Homer asked.

“I could, and I’m not saying it’s out of the question to do just that,” Rarity said. “But if living in Ponyville has taught me anything it’s that there’s simply no way of knowing what the future might hold. In the time between now and when Spike would be old enough for me to even consider courting, all manner of things might happen.”

“I mean, perhaps as Spike grows older he grows out of his feelings for me and begins to take an interest in finding a female dragon, or maybe I might find someone I might become romantically interested in myself. There are so many possibilities between now and then, and the last time I thought I had things all planned out with someone I was romantically interested in, it blew up in just about the most spectacular fashion possible.”

“Really?” Homer asked his curiosity well and truly piqued now.

“Mmm-hmm. There was a member of the Canterlot nobility I was simply enthralled with by the name of Prince Blueblood. He was everything I thought I had ever wanted from a love interest from the time I was a starstruck filly dreaming of being swept off my hooves by my prince charming.”

“Then one night the stars seemed to align. I was invited to the annual Grand Galloping Gala by Twilight and there I met him, Prince Blueblood in the flesh! Oh he was even more handsome then I had imagined! Those long flowing golden locks, those piercing arctic blue eyes!”

“Not to mention a flank you could bounce a bit off of,” Rarity added her expression downright dreamy at the memory. She was snapped out of her reminiscing by the sound of Homer giving a sexy growl.

“What? He sounds like a catch. I mean gender schmender, a nice ass is a nice ass.” Homer said in what, to him at least, was likely meant to be words of wisdom.

“I never thought of it that way but I suppose I can’t argue with that.” Rarity said, giving a small amused titter. “I doubt I would have put it in quite those exact words though.” Truth be told there was something...liberating about being this open about the subject with someone.

“So what happened with Blueblood? Did he turn out to be gay?”

Rarity gave a less than delicate snort. “No, honestly that would have been a far better consolation than what actually happened. At least then I could entertain myself with thoughts of him necking with some equally dashing stallion.” Rarity paused as her eyes seemed to grow distant again before a gentle cough from Homer snapped her out of...whatever she may have been thinking.

“Oh! Sorry got a bit sidetracked,” Rarity said blushing. “But no, what happened was I learned the bitter truth about even the loveliest of backsides.”

“Which is?” Homer asked.

Rarity’s expression turned flat and annoyed. “There’s always an asshole attached.”

Homer gave a wince. “Oof, I think I can see where this is going.”

“Mmm-hmm. He was absolutely unbearable. He was self absorbed, shallow, vain, a total cheapskate, and he used me as a shield from a flying cake and ruined the dress I had worked so hard to make just for the Gala!”

Homer let out a horrified gasp. “And he didn’t even try to save your dress or a perfectly good cake?! That bastard!” He snarled.

Rarity had to smile at Homer’s reaction. “Believe me, had I known what the night was going to be like with him, I would have happily spent it with Spike instead, even as simply friends. But yes, it was a harsh lesson not to simply assume life is going to go according to some sort of plan.”

“So as far as things with Spike goes, right now I am taking the road less travelled. I am continuing to cherish his friendship, while simultaneously leaving the possibility open that one day it might become something...more. It’s not easy, and there have been plenty of times I’ve wondered if I shouldn’t make a decision one way or another. But right now my gut tells me this is the right path to take so I’m willing to wait and see.”

“And who knows? In a few years when Spike has grown older and more mature, if neither of us has found anyone of interest I…” Rarity trailed off her cheeks turning a lovely shade of red. “I might one day see my little gentledrake as the prince charming I always dreamed of.”

“Awww, well regardless of what happens Spike’s lucky to have you in his life.” Homer said giving Rarity a hug she was more than happy to return.

Rarity suddenly thought of something. “...Wait Homer, how can you be holding Opal above the water if we’re hugging?”

Homer blinked before he glanced over and noticed some bubbles forming in the water where Opal had just been. “Uh-oh.”

Author's Note

Ughh, it's been WAY too long since I last updated so let me just take a moment to apologize up front everyone :facehoof:

The truth is my original plan was to put out a chapter focusing on Applejack when I hit a road block and realized I had even less of an idea what to do with her and Homer then I had with Rainbow Dash! I mean it's not that I don't love Applejack as a character, and I do have some ideas for a few good gags with Homer, but in terms of the actual meat of a one on one between them I kept drawing a blank.

So at one point I decided to switch gears and try another chapter with Rarity that addressed what I thought was a pretty good resolution to the shipping known by many as 'Sparity'. I know it's kind of a copout to just have Rarity want to wait and see how things are when Spike is older, but at the same time that felt like a more natural approach then just breaking it off or making the pairing official.

Still that doesn't mean I don't adore the ship which is why I tried to leave it more then possible that if Spike gets older and doesn't meet anyone else between now and then he really would have a short with Rarity, so I hope you guys can see my reasoning there at least :twilightsmile:

Oh and back to the matter with Applejack I am more then open to any ideas or suggestions you guys might have, wink wink nudge nudge.

Anyway, I'm not sure when the next update will happen. I might be struck by inspiration and hammer something out relatively soon, but I might also take a break and dust off a fanfic on another site I haven't touched in literal years.

For those wondering it's a little tale called 'Shadowchasers: Dance Macabre' on fanfiction.net. Fair warning if you aren't familiar with the card game Yugioh or the 'Shadowchaser' series by Occam's Razor it might not make a lot of sense, but you are more then welcome to take a peek and see another brainchild of mine.

Rest assured I will get Homer in Equestria done LONG before I finish that story, but I've been feeling the urge to tinker with something different so rather then simply update with an author's note I wanted to give you guys a new chapter to go with it.

I hope you guys are doing well, and thank you for all of your support! Again, I'm not going on hiatus or anything, and there's nothing that says I can't work on both stories here and there, but if it takes a while for the next chapter I just don't want to worry or disappoint any of you, you guys are the most rewarding part of writing this story :heart:

It should NEVER take this long to write an Applejack chapter

Homer in Equestria: The Less than Epic Saga
By Barry the Brony

Homer stared at the apple tree rubbing his chin. “Hmmm.”

Applejack said nothing.

Homer walked around the circumference of the tree and knocked on it in a few different places. “Mm-hmm.”

Applejack still said nothing, her expression completely deadpan.

Stopping in front of it again, Homer drew back his foot and gave the tree a good hard kick…which proceeded to do absolutely nothing.

The furthest corner of Applejack’s mouth started to lift.

Homer frowned and gave the tree a second harder kick. Again, nothing.

The corner of her mouth lifted a little higher.

Growling now Homer started kicking the tree as hard as he could, starting with a few grumbles under his breath and proceeding to loud, almost animalistic grunts.

The smirk was small but fully formed now.

Homer stopped to catch his breath, now glaring daggers at the tree. Turning around he walked away…only to turn and charge the tree screaming at the top of his lungs.

The smirk became a look of alarm.

At the last minute Homer’s feet left the ground in a midair kick like something out of a martial arts movie…which would have been a lot more impressive if he hadn’t simply bounced off the tree and landed flat on his back.

Now Applejack’s face was scrunched up as she tried to hold back her laughter for the sake of Homer’s already injured pride.

For a moment Homer just laid there quietly before he spoke. “Applejack, I’ve given the matter some thought, and I’ve come to the conclusion this isn’t as easy as it looks.”

Applejack finally couldn’t hold it in and let out a good loud laugh.

“I keep telling people! Just because bucking apple trees looks simple doesn’t mean it is.” She said, still chuckling as she came over and helped Homer get back to his feet.

Heading over to the tree Homer just kicked, Applejack turned and in a single fluid movement hit the base with her hind legs. Immediately apples started falling out of the tree and filling up the buckets placed around the base.

“You see that? I can only do that because I’ve spent years not just practicing, but learning everything I can about bucking, same as anything else we do around the farm.” Applejack explained.

“Kick too hard and you risk damaging the tree, kick too lightly and, well,” Applejack gave Homer the tiniest smirk. “I don’t think I need to elaborate on that now do I hun?”

“Hey it worked on the vending machines back home.” Homer said a little defensively before he picked up a bucket of apples and loaded it into a wagon Applejack had brought along with them.

“Aw I’m just teasing you Sugarcube. At least you put some effort into it. I remember when Rarity tried bucking so she could pretend to be more rustic to impress this stallion by the name of Trenderhoof and she was more worried about ruining her manicure than actually getting the job done.” Applejack said as they started to load in more buckets.

“Yeah, trying to pretend to be someone I’m not has never ended well. This one time I pretended to be a pilot just so I could drink at an airport bar, next thing I know I’m in a cockpit with people expecting me to know how to fly.”

Applejack gave a soft ‘tsk’ sound as she waited for Homer to sit in the wagon with the buckets before she started to pull it by the axle. “Now see, that’s why I’m a firm believer in trying to be honest whenever you can, or at least when it really matters. You get into a lot less trouble that way.”

“Yeah but that’s the thing, I kept telling the guy I wasn’t a pilot and all he said was ‘you flyboys crack me up’.”

Applejack blinked at that and looked back at Homer. “Wait so you told them the truth and they still pushed you into flying one of those contraptions?” When Homer nodded she gave a thoughtful noise in the back of her throat.

“Well…I stand by what I said about being honest but it sounds like whatever happened next wasn’t entirely your fault. Anybody get hurt?”

“No, luckily I managed to crash the plane before it could take off.”

This time Applejack came to a dead stop. “...You crashed the plane…before it could take off.” Applejack repeated slowly, as if she couldn’t quite believe what she had just heard.

Given that Equestria already had several forms of air travel such as balloons and dirigibles, it had only been a matter of time before ponies had begun to tinker with the idea of flying machines such as airplanes.

At the moment though it was little more than a novelty given that a full third of Equestria’s population were born already able to fly, but like so many other things that had caught her eye, Twilight found them endlessly fascinating and had even showed Applejack a few pictures of some test models.

But even seeing as complicated as they looked in schematics and photographs, Applejack was having a hard time imagining how Homer could have wrecked a plane before it had even left the ground.

“Yeah to be honest I’m not entirely sure how I managed that either. I just pushed a button and the wheels retracted making the whole thing come crashing down. Of course I never figured out how I managed to cause a meltdown in a truck that didn’t have any nuclear material to begin with either.”

“...I understood just enough of that to be nervous about the idea of leaving you unsupervised.” Applejack said, sounding equal parts impressed and a little alarmed. “Well I can’t think of anything that complicated on the farm, just to be safe, you let me know before you mess with any of the tools around here. I don’t want to have to explain to Twilight why her pet project lost a foot or something.”

“Can do. So who else lives on the farm besides you and Apple Bloom?” Homer asked.

“Well there’s my brother Big Mac who's working on the other side of the farm today. Big fella, kind of quiet but dependable as all get out. Then there’s Granny Smith. She’s mostly in charge of keeping everything on schedule but she can help out a little with the workload if she has to.”

“So what about your parents, they live here too?”

The wagon didn’t quite come to a stop, but Applejack seemed to falter a little before she resumed a slower pace. “My parents…aren’t around anymore.”

“Ohh, you mean they moved out? My dad did that not long after I got my house. Well when I say moved out, I really mean we stuck him in a retirement home.” Homer said, his near legendary ability to completely miss the point shining through yet again.

Applejack turned again and squinted hard at Homer, trying to figure out if he was really that clueless or if he was making fun of her. Whatever she saw in his slightly blank stare made her expression soften a little trying to think of how to put this delicately.

“Uh…no Homer that’s not what I meant. I mean they, you know…passed?” Nothing. “Away?” Again no sign of getting it, so she finally sighed and added. “Into death?”

Homer’s eyes suddenly went wide as he finally caught on. “Oh…OH! Oh god Applejack I am so, so sorry I had no idea.”

“It’s not your fault for not knowing, it’s not exactly something I’m ever that eager to bring up.”

Homer blinked. “Wait, so you aren’t mad at me for not knowing your parents were…you know, gone?”

Now it was Applejack’s turn to blink. “Well I’m not happy to think about not having them around, but I don’t hold it against you for not knowing Sugarcube.”

“But I thought people were supposed to be aware of everything that might offend someone at any given time so they don’t get labeled with one of those words ending in ‘-ist’ or ‘phobe’. Least that’s what I get from all those late night talk shows.”

“Homer you can’t be aware of everything that could upset a person if you’ve only just met them. We’ve only been in the same room three times and that was with the rest of the girls and Spike. Besides that’s not really something that naturally comes up in conversation unless you ask.”

“I mean, if the day we met I had walked up to you and said something like ‘Well howdy partner my name’s Applejack! Do you like my hat? I work on a farm and both my folks are dead, how about that weather?’ That wouldn’t have alarmed you in any way?”

Homer thought about it for a minute. “Yeah, that would have been some ‘Independence Day: Resurgence’ levels of info dumping,” He said before he shuddered. “Oh god that movie was terrible, it was like watching someone dig up a family member and shove a stick up their butt to work them like a pup-D’OH!”

“Now see, that's the kind of stuff you want to avoid.” Applejack deadpanned.

“I guess I just never really thought about anyone around here actually dying.” Homer admitted. Even now he was curious as to what exactly had happened to Applejack’s parents, but he had done enough by bringing up what had to be an unpleasant memory for the little earth pony, so he chalked it up to ‘Disney Parent Syndrome’ and left it at that.

Applejack looked over the rows of apple trees and took comfort in their presence. “Nothing lasts forever, sugarcube. Though you wouldn’t think that considering how old some ponies get to being. Hell, Granny Smith’s parents were the ones who originally founded Ponyville and she’s still around to this day.”

“But sooner or later, we all have to move on to whatever’s waiting for us on the other side.” Applejack lowered her head so the rim of her hat covered her eyes for a moment. “Even if it’s a lot sooner than we’d like.”

Homer was quiet for a minute as Applejack resumed pulling the cart before he spoke again. “You know I spent most of my life thinking my mom had died when I was a kid. Turns out she had gone into hiding to avoid being arrested for destroying my boss’s germ warfare research…long story,” Homer added at the odd look he was getting from the little pony.

“But the point is my dad raised me on his own, and to be honest I still have a lot of mixed feelings about him. He didn’t completely suck as a parent, but our relationship has always been…I dunno, complicated.”

In spite of herself, Applejack found herself a little curious. “Complicated how?”

“We-ell, on one hand, or is it on one hoof for you guys?”

“Either one works fine hun.”

“Right, on one hand he sold his house to make the down payment on the home I live in with my family to this day, he’s willing to babysit the kids once in a while so Marge and I can have a night out, and he’s always got advice of some sort to share.”

“And on the other hoof?”

“On the other hand, hoof whatever, he almost never supported my hopes and dreams as a kid, constantly neglected me, and told me I was going to screw up a gymnastic routine while I was in the middle of doing said routine in front of my entire high school!” Homer said, his voice slowly but steadily growing in volume.

“Well I’m sorry to hear tha-” Applejack tried to say, clearly realizing Homer was gaining momentum at an alarming rate and was hoping to calm him down.

“Oh I’m not even close to being done!” Homer shouted, plowing straight ahead.

“He lied to me about my mother being dead my entire life, he never even bothered to mention I have a half-brother until after he nearly died of a heart attack, and he was willing to support an expressway that would have torn down my house and left me and my family homeless because the guy running for mayor, who by the way happens to have made multiple attempts on my son’s life, said he would name the expressway after his favorite tv show!”

“And on top of all that! ON TOP OF EVERYTHING ELSE! Like the crappy little cherry placed atop of the whole suck sundae, my own father told me to my face that I was an accident and that he had never intended to have a child! SO IS IT ANY WONDER THAT I HAVE THE SLIGHTEST RESENTMENT TOWARDS HIM?!”

The silence that followed this was deafening. Birds had stopped chirping, bugs had stopped buzzing, and just about all of them had the same slaw jawed/beaked/mandible expression as Applejack. The orange earth pony closed her mouth, opened it to say something, stopped and closed it again, glancing this way and that to make sure nobody else was around before she finally said. “...Well shit.”

“Yeah, that just about sums it up.” Homer agreed, seeming to sag a little as if the outburst had taken just about all the energy out of him. It said something that in spite of occasional annoyances like trying to buck the tree and Discord, the first thing that had well and truly made Homer angry had been something from his life back home.

Giving a little sigh, Applejack slipped out of the wagon harness and came around to climb in next to Homer. “Do you feel any better at least getting it off your chest like that?”

“Well it’s not like I haven’t had that kind of stuff stewing around in me for years but yeah, a little. I’m just sorry you had to see me lose my temper like that.” Now that he had stopped seeing red Homer felt ashamed to have let his baggage spill out in the presence of such sweet wholesome creatures like the ponies.

“Would you believe me if I said I’ve seen angrier? Twilight once got so worked up her mane caught on fire, and may Celestia help anybody who Pinkie Pie catches breaking a Pinkie Promise.”

“Pinkie Pie? That Pinkie Pie?” Homer asked, looking at Applejack in surprise.

“Mm-hmm. It’s like having a big friendly dog suddenly turn and bite you. It’s all the worse because you never see it coming. The point is people get angry, and frankly I’m amazed you didn’t snap sooner with baggage like that following you around.”

“Well like I said it’s complicated. I mean yeah it ticks me off my dad did all of that stuff, but there are moments where I remember deep down I still love him. It just gets really easy to forget that amidst all the crap he’s pulled. Then again I’m not exactly father of the year myself so, I dunno, maybe I don’t have much of a right to complain.”

“Actually I’d say you’ve got some pretty good reasons to be angry. But I still have a little advice if you are willing to hear me out.” She said, waiting for Homer to give a nod before she continued.

Applejack put a hoof on Homer’s leg. “Enjoy the time you have with your father while you still have it. I’m not saying you should gloss everything over and act like he’s perfect, but he’s not going to be around forever and Celestia knows I’d give just about anything to spend just a little more time with my parents. But then,” Applejack looked away and lowered her head a little so the rim of her hat fell over her eyes. “We never have as much time with the people we love as we’d like to. So just…try and keep that in mind, okay hun?”

Homer looked down at Applejack with an odd expression. “...Okay seriously, does everyone around here moonlight as a therapist?.”

Applejack lifted her head with a blink before she gave a laugh. “Nah, I reckon it’s just all the time I’ve spent around Twilight rubbing off on me. Just about any of the girls can whip up a speech like that considering how often we help other people with their problems.”

“Well I have to admit, it’s pretty effective. Tell you what, I can’t promise I’ll never treat my father like crap ever again, but I can promise to try and do it a little less often and see if maybe I can do something nice for him once in a while and see if it balances out. Does that sound like a good start?”

“Sounds like a good start.” Applejack said with a smile. “Now I think we’ve both spilled our guts enough for a day, what say we put something in them like some fresh apple pie?”

The next thing Applejack knew the wagon was lurching back into motion, albeit with slow bumpy jerks accompanied by Homer grunting loudly. “Uh, Homer? Maybe you should let me pull the wagon before you-”

There was a loud ‘click’ from somewhere in Homer’s lower back causing him to collapse to his knees with a roar of pain.

“...Pull something in your back.” She finished weakly.

Author's Note

I AM SO SORRY :raritycry: I know I said I was taking a break from writing this story but I never intended it to be THIS long! To be honest this chapter has been in the works for quite a while but I ran into some surprisingly hefty surprise complications in how I wanted it to go.

Homer...is not the best parent in the world. You know it, I know it, we all know it but many of us love him for the fact he does his best in spite of his flaws. But the thing is it was surprisingly hard to talk about his feelings towards HIS father without running the risk of delving into his OWN issues as a parent. Suddenly a story based on two shows with largely comedic/wholesome elements was running the risk of opening up a pretty big can of worms that honestly? I'm not quite ready to open yet.

So I rewrote what I had...then rewrote it again...and rewrote it AGAIN, all the while in between having things like work and gaming and television nibbling away at all this theoretical free time I had I could do something 'productive'. But I never stopped tinkering, never stopped thinking about it and you know why?

Because of you guys. It means a lot to me that I made something that matters to you the reader. Something that can make you smile, something that can make you giggle, something that can nourish that little oh so important bit of light we all carry in our hearts in a world that is increasingly stranger and more concerning by the day. You guys are the greatest reward in all of this just knowing I can make some people happy, and I can't thank each and every one of you enough :twilightsmile:

So yes I can confidently say the next chapter will NOT take over a year to complete. And I will eventually delve a little into Homer's most, ah, notorious issue as a parent, but I'm saving it for a discussion with a character who is a little older, a little wiser, and has a unique perspective on dealing with the guilt felt over lashing out at a family member. I'm pretty sure you guys can guess who she is (hint, she has an older sister).

But as a friend of mine pointed out the other day, I shouldn't try and get TOO dark or too grim when it comes to writing a story that, at it's heart, is about a sweet balding fat man finding friends amongst a bunch of sweet, talking ponies. Thank you to everyone who decides to come back after the break and read my latest chapter. I've missed you all

(Semi) Mad Science and an Unexpected Crossover

Homer in Equestria: The Less Than Epic Saga
By Barry the Brony

“Testing, testing. One two, is this thing on?” Twilight Sparkle said into giving the microphone a gentle tap with a hoof. Standing before the control panel Twilight looked through the window into the room Homer was currently standing in to see if he heard her.

When Twilight saw Homer give her a thumb’s up (a gesture she had learned meant everything was good) she gave an adorable little clap of her hooves. “Oh good it’s working!”

The room was one of the few in the castle Twilight had been proactive in designing herself. Namely because it was intended to be where she carried out experiments and various projects in a controlled environment with less of a risk of something going wrong.

Not that you would be able to tell that at first glance. The majority of the room, which was separated from the control panel by a thick glass window, was spacious with plain white walls. It was here that Homer was standing as he waited for them to get things started.

“So, remind me again why you decided to put Homer through some tests before you guys tried the portal you’ve been working on to get him home?” Spike asked, giving Twilight an odd look.

Spike didn’t doubt the alicorn still had questions about Homer’s nature, but he would have thought Twilight would be more excited to experiment with one of the few spells made by Star Swirl she hadn’t exhaustively researched.

“Well…” Twilight glanced off to the side as if debating something before she sighed and decided to come clean. “To be honest I’m a little nervous about testing the portal, so before we gave it a try I thought it might calm my nerves to get more data on Homer in general.”

“So…to be clear, you are conducting an experiment on Homer…to relax before you try and conduct an experiment for him.” Spike said, giving her a flat look.

“Hey I never said it was ethical, I just said it would calm my nerves.” Twilight said before she flipped the speaker back on. “Okay Homer, we’re just going to run some tests for a bit, any questions before we begin?”

“Uh yeah, if I fail any of these will I have to take the course again?” Homer said, his voice coming through from the other side of the glass via a speaker.

Twilight blinked at that. “Uh, no it won’t be those kinds of tests. There’s not actually going to be a way you can fail any of these.”

“WOO-HOO!”

“See? He’s excited.” Twilight said smirking at Spike who simply rolled his eyes in response.

***

Sitting at a table wearing a helmet wired with several electrodes, Homer stared through the glass at the piece of paper Twilight was holding up, eyes squinted in heavy concentration. “Hmmm…I’m going to say…a star?”

Twilight flipped the piece of paper around to show a drawing of a circle. Almost immediately a low voltage shock went through Homer’s head making him seize up in his seat and make some gibbering noises.

“Okay, okay. I can do this. The next one is…three wavy lines on top of one another?” Twilight sighed and turned the card around revealing it to be a triangle. Again Homer seized up from another shock.

“Homer, you know we don’t have to keep going right? I think we can safely say that a Kwyjbo doesn’t have psychic abilities no matter how much negative reinforcement is applied.” Twilight said, getting a little worried on how Homer was starting to singe around the edges.

“I keep telling you Twi, I can do this!” It was hard to tell if Homer truly believed he could use ESP or if he was just being stubborn at this point.

Twilight briefly raised her eyes to the ceiling as though hoping for divine intervention. When none made itself apparent she sighed and picked up another piece of paper.

Homer squinted at it until his expression became what could best be described as ‘constipated’ before he finally said. “Uhh…rectangle, final answer!”

Twilight glanced at the hexagon on the side facing her and then over at Spike. “Uh…that’s it, you got it right Homer, congratulations!”

“WOO-HOO!” Homer cheered, jumping out of the chair, ripping the helmet off and spiking it like a football at touchdown.

“What was that about it not being possible to fail these tests?” Spike remarked

“Mmm, maybe we’ll have better luck with another test.” Twilight suggested as she turned to the control panel once more.

***

Twilight and Spike stared through the window.

Their heads moved to the right.

Then their heads moved to the left.

Then their heads moved right as once more Homer ran past the window screaming and wreathed in flames.

“You know I’m starting to think the universe has it out for this guy. There’s being accident prone and then there’s that.” Spike said.

“I still don’t understand it, there wasn’t even any flammable material or open flames in this test!” Twilight said, grabbing her clipboard and flipping through her notes while on the other side of the glass Homer finally hit the ground and started to roll around.

“Uh, maybe we should put the flames out before we go any further into figuring out what went wrong?” Spike suggested.

“Hm? Oh right!” Twilight hit a button as a nozzle extended from the ceiling and began to spray Homer with a flame retardant substance. The flames finally went out leaving Homer panting and coated in foam.

Sitting up he scooped up some of the foam on his finger and gave it a lick. “Ooh, strawberry!”

“Huh, I guess Pinkie was right, there really wasn’t a downside to making the foam edible.” Twilight admitted as they watched Homer take an impromptu snack break by shoveling foam into his mouth by the handful.

***

“Okay so that last test kind of, well it literally blew up in our faces, but this one should hopefully be a bit less…incendiary.” Twilight said as Homer watched a mechanical arm emerge from the wall next to him holding a spray bottle of all things.

“This is a substance made from a species of flower called Poison Joke. I found out about it during my first year in Ponyville and I’m curious to see its effects on a Kwyjbo.” Twilight explained.

“Uh, should I be worried about the word ‘poison’ in the name?” Homer asked, eyeing the spray bottle warily.

“Oh no the effects aren’t actually dangerous, just wierd. The symptoms vary from person to person but it’s usually something that could be seen as funny from a certain point of view…though usually not to the one experiencing said symptoms I’ll admit.”

Twilight reached up and rubbed her hoof, shuddering at an unpleasant memory. “Anyway I have the antidote on standby so let’s give it a shot!”

(Not ten seconds later)

Twilight stared.

Spike stared.

Homer, whose head was now an enormous donut with human features, stared back at them both.

“Uh, Spike do you want to-”

“On it.” Spike said, running off to grab something leaving Twilight and Homer alone.

Very slowly, without breaking eye contact, Homer began to lift a hand to the side of his head as if to-

“Don’t you dare.” Twilight said flatly.

“Aw come on, just a little taste?”

“Homer, that's auto-cannibalism, you don’t need a friendship lesson to know that’s something you shouldn’t do!”

“Okay then you take a bite and tell me what I taste like.”

“I AM NOT TAKING A BITE OUT OF YOUR HEAD!”

In the silence that followed Spike suddenly hopped up and took a picture with the camera he had just retrieved from his room.

(A few minutes later)

Pinkie Pie looked from Homer to Twilight and back again. “Sooo, just so I’m clear,you want me to take a bite and tell you what flavor Homer’s giant donut head is?”

“That just about sums up the situation, yes.” Twilight said wondering at what point she had lost control over her life.

“Think you can help us Pinkie? Twilight’s pretty firm on not letting me eat myself.”

“Well why doesn’t Twilight just end the test and move on if it’s a problem?” Pinkie asked, tilting her head.

“Because at this point I’m kind of curious about what his flavor is too.” Twilight sighed, hanging her head in shame.

“Hmm…” Pinkie Pie hummed in thought, scrunching up her face. “Okie dokie loki!”

Scampering up Homer like a squirrel climbing a tree, Pinkie leaned in and took a tiny nibble from the surface of Homer’s head. “Mmm!”

“Well what’s he taste like Pinkie?” Spike asked almost as curious now as everyone else.

Pinkie Pie hummed again, closing her eyes as she went over the taste before they popped open. “Pumpkin Spice!”

“Really? Let me try.” Before anyone could stop him Homer tore a chunk out and ate it. “Well I’ll be damned.”

“At this point we all may very well be.” Twilight sighed nonetheless scribbling down the information.

***

“Okay well I won’t pretend that things didn't get really weird but I did get a lot of raw data thanks to Homer participating in those tests…even if I now have more questions then when I started.” Twilight explained as she, Homer and Spike now stood in the room where she had been working on the portal.

Said portal looked, well, like just about any other portal cobbled together using a combination of science and magic would look. Bits of metal here, wires and glass bulbs there, enhanced runes covering every square inch and, according to tradition, it was perfectly circular.

Homer (whose head was now back to normal and inexplicably unharmed) watched as Twilight began to plug in several cords, a low thrumming starting to build with each one.

“Now that the Portal is stable enough to use, the next phase will be checking out a few dimensions to see if we can narrow down exactly where yours is Homer. Discord said your species occupy a great number of alternate realities, but we have no way of knowing what differences there are between your species and variations elsewhere in the multiverse. Which is why we need to establish key differences in order to narrow down the list of interdimensional coordinates.” The little Alicorn explained before a gentle cough from Spike alerted her to the slightly fish eyed stare Homer had trying to understand her.

“Uh…basically we need to check out a few universes to see what other Kwyjbo look like to know what to look for.”

“Oh, well why didn’t you say so?”

“I just di-nevermind,” Twilight sighed and shook her head. “Fortunately Discord already listed all the places to avoid so we should be in no danger.”

“Then why are you and Spike piling sandbags on the other side of the room?” Homer asked watching Spike come in with another one to add to the pile.

“Because while I trust Discord wants to help us out in the long run I wouldn’t put it past him to throw a curveball at us just for kicks.” Twilight said, fitting a hard hat over her head and then handing one over to Spike and Homer respectively. Though in the latter’s case she doubted it could offer any more protection than whatever Homer’s skull was made of.

All three of them hunkered down as Twilight flipped a switch and the Portal began to rumble. There was a strange metallic rasping sound followed by a ‘boink’ before the empty circle was now filled with a glowing, swirling vortex of energy.

“Alright,” Twilight said, pulling on a pair of safety goggles. “Preparing to deploy the probe.” She levitated the aforementioned object over in her magic and began to count down, while Homer and Spike watched.

“Five...four…three…”

Homer and Spike were visibly sweating and even Twilight took a moment to lick her suddenly dry lips before she continued. “Two…one…DEPLOYING PROBE!”

She jabbed the handle of the broom through the vortex and was immediately greeted with the sensation of making an impact with something, while at the same time everyone could clearly hear someone on the other side speak.

“OW! What the…?”

Years of proper manners due to a combination of lessons in etiquette from both her mother and Princess Celestia immediately made Twilight throw all caution to the wind and leap over the sandbags. Running to the portal she stuck her head through.

“Oh my gosh I am SO sorry are you…okay?” Twilight trailed off as she took in her new surroundings. It was remarkable in how, well, unremarkable it was. The portal was hovering a few feet off the ground in what looked like a kitchen.

Grill, shelves, counter, a window into the next room for the cook to receive orders, Twilight had seen this exact setup a thousand times any time she caught a glimpse of the back to a restaurant whenever she had gone out to eat.

Standing in front of her and rubbing his head was a creature who bore some remarkable similarities to Homer (she could only assume the creature was male simply due to how much hair was on his face and arms).

However unlike Homer this Kwyjbo had a head of scruffy black hair, a bushy mustache, and his skin was more of a peach-tan in color then the yellow tone Homer had. If Twilight had to make an educated guess based on the apron he was wearing, she was looking at the cook to this place.

Twilight and the creature stared at each other in an awkward silence before he spoke in a deep voice with a hint of an accent she couldn’t quite place. “Okay…really don’t know what to make of this. I’d ask if you were a hallucination but-”

“-But you have no way of knowing if my answer was true or just part of said hallucination? Yeah I can see the issue there . Well in any case sorry about the broom handle.”

“Oh, you have brooms where you’re from?” Bob asked in lieu of anything else he could think to say. He was still trying to figure out if years of struggling to run a business had finally caused him to snap. That or he had drunk too much Absinthe again.

“Uh yes, yes we do. Anyway I didn’t mean to interrupt your day, I’m just figuring out a way to travel between dimensions and I needed to take the machine for a test run. Would you mind answering a few questions for me?”

“Well we aren’t open for a little while and Linda and the kids are probably still asleep so…I guess? This isn't the prelude to an invasion like in the movies is it?” Bob had to admit he never imagined the Earth would be invaded by interdimensional beings who looked so…wholesome.

“What?! No! Nononono! I’m just trying to help a friend get back to his own dimension.” Twilight assured him looking positively aghast at the idea. “Let me start over, my name is Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship and, at the moment, representative of the land of Equestria. it’s very nice to meet you.”

“I’m Bob, Bob Belcher. I…uh…make burgers?” Bob looked down at the slightly dirty apron he was wearing, suddenly feeling very under dressed for this.

“Oh you mean like hay burgers?” Twilight asked, tilting her head.

“You can make hay into burgers?”

“Well yeah if you fry it first, otherwise it’s just a hay sandwich.”

“Huh, that actually makes sense. But I don’t use hay for my burgers, we use beef.”

“What’s beef?”

“You know, beef, like cows?” There was a pause before Bob added. “Uh, it occurs to me that maybe I shouldn’t have said that to a talking horse. It’s a little early in the morning to start a war.”

“It’s alright, what you do in your reality is nobody’s business but your own, though for the record I’m a pony.” Twilight assured him before Bob heard a voice from somewhere behind Twilight’s head.

“Everything okay Twilight?”

“Just a second,” Twilight said to Bob before she pulled her head back, her voice still clearly audible. “Everything’s fine Spike, it looks like Discord was right about there being Kwyjbo in multiple universes.”

“Kui-what?” Bob asked not sure if he had just been called some kind of pony slur.

“Oh sorry, the term is Kwyjbo, it’s what my friend Homer said your species was called.”

“Well last time I checked we called ourselves Humans. I mean there’s a longer scientific name but I can’t remember what it is.”

“Really? Interesting,” Twilight pulled her head back. “Hey Homer? Are you sure your species aren’t called humans? That’s what this one says they are called.”

Now Bob heard a third voice. “Oh now I remember! Anyway, does that one look like me?”

“Kind of, he says his name is Bob, apparently he makes burgers.”

‘BURGERS?!” Homer’s head burst out of the portal right next to Twilight.

“OH MY GOD! What’s wrong with your skin?!” Bob asked, drawing back. It was one thing to see a purple pony, but to see what looked like another person with skin like a lemon was…unsettling.

“Ew, what’s wrong with yours? You look like a hot dog that was left to soak in water overnight!”

“Homer be nice!” Twilight scolded him before turning back to Bob. “I’m sorry this is my friend Homer, he’s a human like you but it looks like he’s from a different universe.”

“Oh, okay, I wasn’t sure if he was sick or something.” Bob said before he turned back to Homer. “Sorry about that, you said you wanted a burger?” Alternate reality or not a customer was a customer.

“Oh my god you have no idea how long it’s been since I had a real burger.”

“Homer, you've only been in Equestria for a week or so.”

“Yeah but when it comes to cravings it’s like dog years.”

“Wow, you are really starting to remind me of my friend Teddy.” Bob remarked.

Homer paused. “Is that good or bad?”

Bob looked down thinking it over. “Hmm, long term? I guess it’s good, I mean he’s pretty harmless and he helps out a lot with repairs. Anyway, what kind of burger do you want?”

“Buddy at this point I’d settle for just the patty.”

Bob actually chuckled. “Well I think I can do a little better than that for you. Coming right up.”

Bob went to work preparing the burger while Twilight asked him a few general questions about humans to try and figure out what she was looking for going forward. The fact Bob’s species was so similar to Homer’s was very encouraging, as it meant there wouldn’t be as much guesswork as she had thought there might be.

Of course everyone had to be careful to keep their voice down, it was agreed that having Bob’s wife and child stumble upon him talking with an interdimensional pony and a human with yellow skin was probably more exciting than anyone needed right now.

That and Bob was pretty sure his eldest daughter Tina would try to climb through the portal to live amongst Twilight’s people. Maybe his son Gene too if they sang as much as Twilight said they did. His youngest daughter Louise would probably just try to stage a coup and appoint herself ruler.

Finally Bob put the finishing touches on a cheeseburger with full toppings and carried the plate over to the portal where Homer was waiting. Reaching out Homer picked up the burger, sniffed it a few times to savor the smell of cooking flesh and took a big bite.

“Well? Do you like it?” Bob asked, surprised at how nervous he was over this.

Homer said nothing as he chewed a few times before he suddenly spoke through a mouthful of burger. “...Would it be weird if I kissed you full on the mouth?”

“Uh, well I’m married so probably not a good idea.” Bob admitted.

“Well, in that case, let me just say, this is the best damn burger I’ve had in years.”

“Wow, really?” Bob couldn’t keep the delight out of his voice hearing this.

“Oh yeah. I mean Krusty Burger is great for when you need a quick bite on the go or in bulk, but there’s a lot to be said for the hand cooked stuff.” Homer said in between bites. It was only his attempt at being polite that kept him from trying to lick the plate clean in full view of Bob.

“That actually means a lot to me, thank you.” Bob said.

“So what do I owe you for the burger?”

“Oh I couldn’t ask you to-”

“No no, fair is fair, you made the meal I should pay for it, plus Twilight nearly took your eye out with the broom.”

“Hey!” Came Twilight’s voice from somewhere behind Homer in the portal.

“What I said nearly!”

“Well I usually charge five dollars and ninety five cents for the burger of the day.” Bob said.

Handing Bob the plate Homer pulled out his wallet and thumbed through it before handing Bob a couple of one dollar bills. “Let’s see…three, four, five bucks and…” Homer pulled out a handful of change and started to count it out.

“Aw crap I’m about twenty cents short, hang on,” Homer said before turning his head. “Hey Twilight, can you spot me twenty bits?”

“Sure one second.” A moment later Twilight reappeared with a little bag she used to carry her money. Holding it in her hooves, she used her magic to place twenty bits on the counter. “Alright well we should get out of your hair, but thank you so much for your help Mister Belcher.”

“Oh, uh, you’re welcome. This was…kind of weird but also sort of fun. You guys take care.” Bob said smiling.

Homer started to pull back his head before he paused as something seemed to occur to him. “Oh before I forget, have you guys solved any of the big stuff yet?”

“Uh, might have to be a little more specific.” Bob said, tilting his head.

“Pollution?”

“Not really.”

“World peace?”

“Uh-uh.”

“Global Warming?”

“Well we’re calling it Climate Change now so that’s…something I guess.”

Homer and Bob looked at each other before they simultaneously shrugged and said ‘meh’ before they shook hands.

The portal vanished with another ‘boink’ as Bob collected the money Homer had left, squinting at the bills. “Huh, not sure if the bank will take these, the little people on them look off. Oh well.”

He turned to the bits Twilight had left and picked one up. “But these are kind of cute, what is it like a milk chocolate coi-oh my God that’s gold.”

Author's Note

And that's how Bob suddenly found himself with enough money to cover the rent for a few months! See? It didn't take a year to update this time! :twilightsmile:

I realized that the timing was just about ideal for a chapter between Homer and Twilight and it was also a chance to move the overall plot forward (even if only by a little). The biggest challenge I had this chapter was trying to figure out what kind of tests/gags to have Twilight put Homer through and getting down the mannerisms of our little, heh, surprise guest.

In case you haven't guessed, I am a fan of Bob's Burgers. It's been the closest thing to capture the feel of Golden Age Simpsons to come out of Fox in a long while for me and is just a genuinely funny and wholesome show in general. I really had to fight to keep myself from including Linda, Louise, Gene and Tina but I knew that if I tried to include them in the chapter things would escalate out of control VERY quickly. So instead I tried to keep it short and sweet.

Hope everyone is having a happy Halloween season. I may or may not make another semi canon chapter in the style of the last Treehouse of Horror chapter, but I haven't decided yet. Otherwise I'll probably throw together a Pinkie Pie chapter I've been meaning to write. Take care everyone!

(Canoptional) Homer to the Rescue! Wait really?

Homer in Equestria: The Less Than Epic Saga
By Barry the Brony

The first sign that something was amiss was Homer was woken up by neither the smell of breakfast nor the sensation of Pinkie Pie poking him in the face with her hoof while making a little ‘boop’ sound.

His cat Snowball 2 often used a similar trick when she wanted his attention in bed, pressing her paw right against his face and using her claws. Of course unlike Snowball, Homer had yet to experience the urge to hurl Pinkie Pie clear across the room.

“Pinkie Pie? Mr. and Mrs. Cake? Pound? Pumpkin? Anyone?” Homer called out as he came into the kitchen after getting dressed. Turning to one of the kitchen walls he ran a finger down it slowly. “Hmm, no trace of baby food. Guess they didn’t have time to make breakfast. Oh well, Plan B it is then.”

Homer went over to the cupboard and opened one before giving a grunt as he hauled out an enormous burlap bag labeled ‘HOMER’S FEED BAG’. “Ahh the old feed bag.” Homer said, reaching in and beginning to graze with loud content noises.

While the Cakes had no problem baking for Homer whenever he had a particular craving, they had discovered he was more than happy polishing off anything on the verge of going stale, and had started to leave him a bag of old stock to feed on as he served as a living garbage disposal.

This soon left him with a full stomach, but still quite curious as to where everyone had gone. Stepping outside Homer saw the streets were as empty as Sugarcube Corner. “Okay…getting a little concerned. Theories right now range from zombie apocalypse to pony rapture.”

The distant sound of someone shouting caught his attention leading Homer down the street towards the middle of town, until he finally started to see a few ponies, then steadily more and more. It looked like the whole town was present, gathered in a crowd and talking to themselves in hushed voices.

One pony who was most certainly not speaking in a hushed voice was a gangly red unicorn wearing a cape and an upturned collar like something out of Dracula. His hair and eyes were both jet black and he had red almost reptilian pupils with teeth like fangs. The unicorn strode back and forth ranting only pausing every so often to give what sounded like a very well rehearsed evil laugh.

But what really had Homer’s attention was the fact that right behind the unicorn was Twilight, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Applejack and even Spike all floating in the air trapped in glowing red bubbles of energy. Even as he watched they tried to break free using either their hooves, claws or magic but even though the bubbles stretched and moved they always popped right back into place.

“Oh good morning Homer,” Mayor Mare said as she noticed Homer coming over to the edge of the crowd. “Well, for a given value of ‘good’ I suppose, we have a bit of a situation.” She gave the weary sigh of the public servant faced with the ever looming threat of more paperwork.

“Yeah I noticed, who's the jackass in the cape?” Homer asked. There was the unmistakable sound of someone clearing their throat. “Oh! Sorry Cranky, didn’t see you there.”

“Homer I’ll tell you the same thing I tell all the other tall folk who come to visit Ponyville, you can’t just look around you have to look down once in a while too,” Said Cranky Doodle, local mule and one of the Canterlot Wig Emporium’s best customers bar none.

“Anyway to answer your question, this joker’s been calling himself Obsidian Dagger all morning, and before you ask no I have no idea if that’s his real name. Though if it is I have no sympathy for his parents whatsoever.” Cranky added, giving a loud snort.

“He showed up this morning and captured the girls with his magic and now he’s demanding everyone in town do his bidding!” Mayor Mare groaned. “Oh it’s Trixie all over again.”

“Okay so, why doesn’t someone call for help? Do you guys have cops?”

“In general yes, but police are largely for the bigger pony settlements like Manehattan. The two biggest lines of defense Ponyville has are the Element Bearers and our direct line to Princess Celestia in the form of Spike’s ability to send her messages.” Mayor Mare explained.

“And apparently Obsidian’s got at least a couple brain cells to rub together because he made sure to capture Spike and Twilight first. Now we’ve got some wannabe Tirek barking orders and it could be days before anyone catches wind of what’s going on.” Cranky said, sounding more annoyed than genuinely worried.

“Okay, what’s to stop everyone from just, I dunno, rushing the guy?”

Mayor Mare and Cranky Doodle exchanged a sidelong glance before the latter held up a hoof. “Observe,” He turned to the nearest group of ponies and suddenly barked. “The girls are in trouble, we have to do something!”

Then as Homer watched the ponies…did absolutely nothing. Well not absolutely nothing, there was a lot of avoiding one another’s gazes, hoof dragging and half hearted excuses ranging from ‘I just got a manicure’ to ‘my doctor says I need to keep my blood pressure down’.

“Oh.” Was all Homer could say as he immediately saw the problem, the same problem that had once presented itself one night at the Kwik-E-Mart when he had been confronted with what, at the time, he had believed to be his son’s television idol Krusty the Clown holding up the store owner Apu with a gun.

Justice and doing the right thing were all well and good but usually the first inclination people had when confronted with real danger was to hope someone else was willing to risk life and limb for those lofty ideals. Thus Homer’s reaction when he had seen the aforementioned armed clown had been to shriek and dive into a pile of potato chip bags.

Thus as disappointed as Homer was that nobody seemed willing to step up and do something, he just didn’t have the heart to blame them.

“Exactly, ponies are a naturally timid people, and honestly these things happen so often in Equestria most just learn to roll with it and wait for things to blow over.” The mayor explained.

“Which means for the next few days we’ll probably be doing the same thing we did with Trixie and catering to Obsidian’s every whim until someone notices or the girls pull a solution out of their flanks. Ten bits says I’m going to end up peeling grapes for the jackass, and yes as a donkey I’m allowed to say it myself.” Cranky added that last part, noticing the odd look Homer was giving him.

Before Homer could say anything else, everyone paused as a soft and very familiar voice spoke up loud enough to interrupt Obsidian’s latest monologue. “Uhm, Mr. Obsidian Sir?”

The red pony blinked and turned to look at Fluttershy with an annoyed expression. “Excuse me, but I spent a lot of time rehearsing this speech and I don’t appreciate being interrupted.” He growled.

“Oh, I’m so sorry, it’s just, um, in all the excitement I haven’t had a chance to feed all my animals yet. Could you let me out so I can go and make sure they all have food? I’ll come right back.”

Obsidian stared at Fluttershy for a moment before he gave a smile. Given how sharp his teeth were this wasn’t nearly as pleasant an expression as it should have been. “Aww isn’t that sweet, you’re worried about your little woodland friends. Of course I’ll let you out.”

“Really?” Fluttershy said looking hopeful.

“NO STUPID!” Obsidian roared, making Fluttershy draw back as far as she could away from him with a whimper. “Now one more word out of you that isn’t ‘all hail Obsidian’ and I’m using your pets for a barbecue!”

Fluttershy’s eyes welled up with tears. The rest of the girls and Spike started protesting, and even a lot of ponies in the crowd were giving him dirty looks and some angry mutters, but that was nothing compared to the reaction Homer had.

(Deep in Homer’s brain)

On what looked like the deck of the Starship Enterprise a crew of multiple Homers in various colored outfits ran back and forth as an alarm went off and flashing red lights strobed.

Up on an enormous monitor the image of Fluttershy’s frightened tear stained face seemed to be playing on a loop, all while a deep rumble shook the deck.

“Someone give me a status report damn it!” A Homer in gold barked while sitting at the captain’s chair.

“Captain, the system is being overridden by a signal from the Amy…the Amyg…oh, that part of the brain they named a boss after in Bloodborne!” A Homer in red piped up looking at a monitor before he paused. “Wait, how do I know what either of those things are?”

“Self preservation and restraint is falling across the board sir! Fight or flight responses are kicking in full force!” Another Homer reported.

“Oh my God,” Captain Homer said, realization dawning on his face before hitting a button on his chair. “All hands brace, his paternal instincts are kicking in!” The rumbling intensified…

(Back in Ponyville)

The rumbling was, in fact, vibrations caused by the deep full throated growl that bubbled out of Homer like a dog getting ready to bite someone. The novelty of the situation had promptly vanished and now every fiber of his being wanted to hurt Obsidian and hurt him badly.

“Why that LITTLE-” Homer lunged forward only to be (barely) held back by Cranky and the Mayor working in tandem. “Lemme go! He was mean to Fluttershy, he needs to die!”

“Okay cool it cool it Homer!” Cranky growled as they dragged Homer around the corner before Obsidian could notice the commotion. “Listen, I get it. If it was my wife Matilda up there I’d be seeing red too but if you just rush in and get captured we’re right back where we started.”

It took a lot to snap Homer out of his anger once it was fully stoked, but the blend of paternal instinct and homicidal rage gave way to sheer surprise as he blinked. “Wait, you're married?”

“Hey, I’m as surprised she said yes as you are,” Cranky admitted without skipping a beat. “But the point is, if Obsidian sees something he’s not expecting he’ll probably get spooked and things could escalate.”

“Exactly, we need some sort of a plan.” The mayor agreed.

Homer took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Okay, well I think I have a plan.”

“You do? Oh, well that’s good to hear.” The mayor started looking hopeful that they could wrap this up relatively quickly.

“Wait for it…” Cranky said softly under his breath.

“Well step one is I make a fist, step two is I punch Obsidian in the face as hard as I can, and step three is I repeat the first two steps until he lets everyone go…or he blacks out. You know, whichever comes first.”

In the dead silence that followed this Cranky and the mayor exchanged a long sidelong glance that seemed to convey an entire conversation. “Well…I don’t have a problem with the end results.” The mayor finally managed.

“Spoken like a born politician.” Cranky said.

“Is that meant to be a compliment or an insult?” The mayor asked, arching an eyebrow.

“Yes.” The donkey couldn’t keep the smirk off his face.

The mayor merely sighed. “Fair enough.”

“No you guys are right, I’m not looking at this the right way,” Homer said, causing the donkey and pony to give him the same surprised expression. “I shouldn’t try to fight like a maniac, I should fight like a Simpson. Okay I think I know what to do, we’re just going to need a few things…”

(A few minutes later)

Twilight was not happy. The longer Obsidian Dagger talked the less happy she became, and the urge to make him stop talking would only lead to a fresh wave of frustration at how the bubbles she and her friends were in seemed to nullify her magic completely.

She wasn’t afraid of being captured, more simply annoyed at the long list of better things she could do with her time than float helplessly in a magical bubble.

Then, in the midst of racking her brain for a solution she paused. Had that bush always been there at the front of the crowd? It didn’t seem particularly healthy, just a loose collection of leaves and sticks cobbled together in a large lump.

Then as she stared at it, she realized it was staring back at her with a pair of familiar eyes from deep in the middle of the foliage.

‘Homer?’ Twilight thought. ‘But what’s he-wait he’s got something written down.’

Twilight had to squint a little at the message written on a piece of paper now sticking out of the bush now that Obsidian had turned away for a moment. Homer’s handwriting wasn’t exactly flawless, but she could just about make it out. ‘Distract him’’.

Twilight glanced over at the others just to make sure they had seen the message too. To be frank they all looked just as confused as to what was happening as she was, but one by one Spike and the other mares gave her quick nods to confirm they understood.

“Excuse me, Obsidian?” Twilight asked, trying to make her tone as civil as possible.

Obsidian Dagger stopped and visibly ground his teeth, giving a loud snort. “I swear to Tartarus, if this is another stupid request…”

“No no! I was just, uh, wondering if maybe you could share a little about yourself? Maybe if we dig a little we can figure out what the root cause of your issues with society are.” Twilight offered.

Obsidian paused and turned to face her, and as he did the ‘bush suddenly sprouted a pair of legs and began to slowly inch closer. “Really?”

“Well yeah, I can’t get kidnapped by someone out of the blue and not want to know at least a little about them.” Twilight said honestly.

Obsidian seemed to consider this before he gave a sigh. “I don’t know, maybe it all started when I was a kid. I didn’t have a lot growing up.”

“Oh?” Now Twilight was truly interested. Maybe deep down Obsidian was just lashing out because of a troubled childhood.

“Yeah, just a warm safe house, parents who loved me, a successful family business I was guaranteed to inherit. You know, useless crap like that.” Obsidian said, waving a hoof dismissively.

In the stunned silence that followed the creak of Applejack clenching her jaw was deafening. “I…uh…I see.” Twilight offered lamely.

“But I weathered through that, in the hopes of one day achieving the one thing that would make me truly happy,” Obsidian gave a small wistful smile. “To have people cater to my every whim out of fear for their worthless little lives. Is that so much to ask?”

Twilight tried, she really did but she just couldn’t hold it in. “YES!” She shouted, making Obsidian draw back.

“Well excuse me princess! Just for that you can forget about being in my harem.” Obsidian huffed.

There was a pause as everyone else present digested this before they all shouted at the same time. “HAREM?!”

“Hey it’s not my fault if you weren’t paying attention the first time I mentioned that. I spent a long time work-shopping this evil monologue and I don’t think it’s asking too much for you people to pay attention.”

“Uh, yeah quick question,” Rainbow Dash said holding up a hoof. “Can we take a public execution as an alternative? I would literally rather wind up with my head on a pike. I went through enough of that from Fluttershy’s brother, I’m not putting up with that as a day job.”

“Eh no big loss, to be honest I could take or leave most of you, but Pinkie Pie has potential, I have a few copies of the magazines Fluttershy modeled for, and you better believe I have plans for the Element of Generosity here.” His gaze flicked over to Rarity as he gave an attempt at a sexy growl.

Predictably, Rarity looked like she was going to be sick. Even more predictably, Spike went off like a freshly triggered land mine.

“YOU CAN HAVE RARITY WHEN YOU PRY HER FROM MY COLD DEAD CLAWS YOU DIRTY BAS-” the rest of his rant was muffled as Obsidian quickly cast a spell to muffle the little dragon’s voice from inside the bubble.

“Watch out Rarity, he’s establishing territory.” Fluttershy said with a light tease in her voice.

“Oh my, they really do grow up so fast.” Rarity said a bit of color in her cheeks as she gave a delighted little titter.

By now Homer had closed the distance considerably, with everyone in the crowd now watching him shuffle along in his ‘disguise’ with a sort of morbid fascination, like onlookers anticipating a train wreck.

“I don’t know if it’s occurred to any of you, but you aren’t the ones in control here, I am!” Obsidian growled bearing his teeth as he glared at his captives. “I have the power here, I call the shots and I say-why am I in the shade all of a sudden?”

Only then did Obsidian start to turn around, but it was too late. There was a sound exactly like a full grown adult man hitting a pony over the head with a chair.

Earth pony craftsmanship was remarkable, but very few people in any universe design a chair to function as a weapon so Homer was left holding two broken pieces in his hand as Obsidian collapsed in a heap. Apparently his magic relied on him being conscious, as with a series of loud pops the bubbles burst letting everyone go.

For a moment nobody said anything, just trying to process what had just happened. Then finally Twilight managed to speak. “Seriously? Your plan was to hit him with a chair?”

“Well my first plan was really more along the lines of ‘scream and charge’ but Cranky and Mare suggested something with a little more finesse so I tried a combination of distractions and a cheap shot. My family has a long and storied tradition of bending the rules to hold our own.”

“Well Hell he gets top marks in my book,” Rainbow Dash said stretching out her wings grateful to be out of confinement. “Though whose chair was that?”

“I was willing to sacrifice one of my spares at the office.” Mayor Mare, still keeping a bit of distance along with the townsfolk, many of whom were unsure if Obsidian was truly unconscious or just playing possum.

“You can go ahead and put that on my tab by the way,” Homer said, turning back to her for a moment before looking back down at Obsidian. “You think he’s dead?”

“Hang on I’ll check, I haven’t had a chance to do anything so far this chapter anyway.” Pinkie Pie piped up, suddenly wearing a stethoscope and a hospital coat. Trotting over she placed it against Obsidian’s side and listened. “Hmm, nope he’s still breathing.”

“Oh,” Homer said before he held up a broken leg of the chair with the jagged side facing outwards. “Want me to fix that?”

Twilight’s left eye suddenly gave a noticeable twitch. “Homer he’s a unicorn not a vampire.”

“Well I mean, it doesn’t really matter to the stake.” Homer said.

Twilight wasn’t sure what bothered her more. How casual Homer was about potential murder or how she didn’t actually have a rebuttal to what he had just said. Her left eye twitched again. “Allow me to rephrase that, we are not stabbing Obsidian in the heart with a broken chair leg in full view of everyone in town.”

“Twilight’s right. We should wait until nightfall when there’s less witnesses.” Rainbow Dash offered.

“What? No that’s not what I-”

“I vote we drop him off a cliff.” Applejack grumbled, still clearly upset from Obsidian’s earlier remark.

“I second that.” Spike growled, his arms folded in front of him.

“There, there Spike, you were very gallant in trying to defend me.” Rarity said as she stroked his spines to calm him down. “And while I hardly say I approve of Obsidian’s behavior, I don’t think even a lout like him warrants such extreme measures…however tempting they may sound.”

Twilight flashed Rarity a grateful smile before she turned to Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy. “And do I even want to know what you two think?”

“Well-ll, he is a super duper meanie pants but I think Rarity’s right. We’re the good guys which means no killing unless it’s some irredeemable world threatening big bad. Not unless we want to start getting all angsty anti-hero and I don't think that's the direction the author wants the story to go.” Pinkie Pie chirped.

“And if being a creepy jerk was a capital offense, you’d be killing people all day.” Fluttershy added.

“Alright so that’s four in favor and four opposed. However seeing as this is not a democracy and as the only princess here I say we let Obsidian live and turn him over to Celestia.”

“Awww.” Said Homer, Applejack, Spike and Rainbow Dash in unison.

Twilight sighed. “But Homer can get in one more cheap shot if he really wants to.”

“WOO-HOO!” Homer promptly whirled around and kicked Obsidian in a place that made every other male present wince.

Speaking of others, as he faced the townsfolk still gathered Homer couldn’t help but notice how guilty they all looked at how it had taken a complete outsider to step in and help their local heroes.

And that was how, for the second time in one day, Homer got an idea. “Hey Mayor? If you are open to a suggestion, I think I might have a way to help everyone in Ponyville feel a little more in control…”

(Later that night)

In a crowded assembly in the Town Hall, Homer stood up in front of everyone and gestured with a pointer to a diagram Twilight had drawn to his instructions on a chalkboard, well into his sermon. “And to review, the T.E.G system, which stands for Throat, Eyes and Groin, is a system anyone can use to defend themselves in a crisis situation.”

“Now I have to stress I can’t promise it will work on everyone. But the next time somebody like Obsidian shows up you have options in defending yourself. Remember, there is no dishonor in fighting dishonorably. Cheap shots, fake outs, dirty tricks, it’s all on the table, including hitting them with a table.”

Twilight wasn’t sure how she felt about how everyone in Ponyville was listening so intently as Homer shared his wisdom in the art of being a vicious underhanded bastard in a fight, but she had to admit everyone seemed a lot more confident now. Cranky Doodle kept nodding along as if this was nothing new and more than a few ponies were taking notes.

Homer paused as Mayor Mare motioned for him to kneel down before whispering in his ear. “Oh right, the mayor has asked me to emphasize that the T.E.G system is strictly to be used for self defense, and not for settling day to day disputes. I don’t want to hear someone punched someone else in the throat just because they cut in line ahead of them at the supermarket. Any questions? Yes you in the back.”

“What if the bad guy is a female? Is the T.E.G system still okay to use?” A pegasus asked.

“Ah, excellent question,” Homer said as he started to slowly pace back and forth. “You see, we live in an age of equality where there are a lot of questions on what is and is not okay to do in a fight against a member of the opposite sex. Well as a wise caped crusader once put it ‘the hammers of justice are unisex’. If a villain means you harm, you have every right to defend yourself. And on a practical note, hitting someone in the groin hurts like Hell regardless of their gender.”

More than a few male ponies in the audience turned to the nearest female with a questioning look, only to have said females give a nod of confirmation.

“So, has there been any word on what’s going to happen to Obsidian?” Rarity asked sitting next to Twilight as she and the others had also shown up to support Homer.

“Princess Celestia hasn’t decided on his exact punishment yet. After all, he was really more bark than bite during the whole incident, but for now he’s in a cell in the castle dungeon.”

“Hmph, hardly seems to be enough for what he put Fluttershy through.” Rarity said with a sniff.

Twilight let a smile play over her face at this. “I thought the same thing, until I found out Celestia already had a meeting with Discord planned before all of this went down. I’m sure he was very interested to hear all about it…”

(Deep in Canterlot Castle)

Obsidian Dagger kept backing up until his flank hit the bars of his cell, his eyes wide and his pupils shrunk to pinpoints in sheer terror as the draconequus loomed over him in the dimly lit cell.

“Well my little edge lord I have good news and bad news,” Discord said as his body oscillated slowly from side to side in a manner terrifyingly reminiscent of a snake, his jovial expression tinged with a hint of malice as Obsidian could swear he saw the flames of Hell itself dance in those red mismatched eyes.

“The good news is Celestia gave me painfully clear instructions not to kill or maim you. Due process and all of that. The bad news is this just means the way I plan to repay you for your boorish treatment of Fluttershy and the others will have to be more…creative.”

He held up two objects in his mismatched hands. A stuffed squirrel and a toy taxi car. “And you wouldn’t believe how creative I can be when I’m nursing a grudge…”

Obsidian’s scream echoed through the dungeon…

Author's Note

Consider this an early Christmas present everyone, I'm glad to get out this chapter before the new year rolls in! :twilightsmile:

As the title says, this is one of my 'canoptional' chapters (I almost called it my first but technically the Halloween special was the first chapter that didn't fit perfectly into the timeline of the story) and the reasons for that are varied.

I really wanted to do a chapter where Homer blundered into one of the show's many 'villain of the week' storylines, but I wasn't sure if some of the black comedy involving Obsidian's possible fate was too out of character so I left it up to you the reader to decide for yourself if it works or not.

Speaking of Obsidian Dagger I'll fess up to there being a lot of Big Jack Horner from Puss in Boots 2 in his character, all packaged in a classic 'edgy OC villain' design. He was mostly meant as a one off character but if you guys would like to see him again I might be able to squeeze him in somewhere.

In any case, happy holidays everyone, and hopefully this is the start of an uptick in new chapters!

The Beginnings of a Sweet Scheme

Homer in Equestria: The Less Than Epic Saga
By Barry the Brony

“Pinkie, it’s been a good run, but I think this is the end.” Homer groaned, his voice barely louder than a whisper.

“Homer no! You can’t give up now!” Pinkie Pie pleaded, looking close to tears.

“It’s too late kid, I’ve got nothing left...” Homer said, his voice slowly starting to trail off as his eyelids began to droop.

“No, you can do this Homer, I believe in you!”

Homer’s expression suddenly changed from the look of a man on his deathbed to a blank stare. “...Boy, I am not used to people telling me that with a straight face.” He gave a deep sign and seemed to find the strength to keep going. “Okay, pass me the plate.”

Pinkie’s face lit up in hope, pushing the last plate full of sugary treats across the table. Slowly, but steadily, Homer began to scarf them down, chewing with the same kind of effort you would expect from Heracles as he carried out his Twelve Labors.

Three bites left.

Two bites.

One bi-

Homer’s cheeks bulged and his eyes briefly went fish eyed, causing Pinkie Pie’s little heart to skip a beat. But with a determined groan, he swallowed and dropped the empty plate on the table with a clatter, collapsing in his chair with a loud exhale.

Pinkie let out a squeal of sheer joy and pulled a switch that Homer could have sworn hadn’t been in the wall a moment ago as all Hell broke loose in the kitchen of Sugarcube Corner.

Confetti rained from the ceiling, balloons took to the air of every color, and in the middle of it all was a little pink pony doing her best impression of a bouncy ball, ricocheting around the room cheering at the top of her lungs “YOU DID IT YOU DID IT YOU DID IT!”

“WOO-HOO!” Homer couldn’t help but find the strength to stand and let out a cheer with his fists in the air as Pinkie’s infectious enthusiasm got to him.

Pinkie Pie suddenly popped up in front of him with a microphone, dressed like a news reporter. “Homer Jay Simpson, you are the first person (besides me) to successfully complete my ultimate dessert challenge ‘Around Equestria in Eighty Plates!’ that’s eighty plates of tasty treats from every corner of the land all under one roof and now, in one tummy! What are you going to do next?!”

“I’M GOING TO-” Homer was about to say ‘Disneyland’ before his face suddenly took on that same side eyed stare as a loud rumble came from his stomach. “-THE BATHROOM!”

Homer couldn’t remember the last time he had run so fast, clearing the last few feet with a spectacular running leap right through the (thankfully already open) bathroom door .

While Homer, well, took care of business, Pinkie Pie began to tidy up the kitchen, humming a little tune under her breath. Confetti was swept up, balloons were carefully deflated to be used at a later date, and the stacks upon stacks of dirty dishes that had piled up as Homer had undertaken the culinary challenge began to dwindle.

By the time the bathroom door opened and Homer came back out, the kitchen was spotless. “Oh man, sorry about that Pinkie but when nature calls you can not let that sucker go to voicemail.”

“Hey, when you gotta go you gotta go. I’m just so happy I FINALLY got to have someone try that challenge. I’ve never seen anyone eat as much as you Homer!” Pinkie Pie said. "Well, except for me, and I hear Princess Celestia has a pretty big appetite too!"

“What can I say? If the good lord above put me on this Earth with a talent for eating ridiculously large amounts of food, who am I to spurn such a gift? There’s so many different flavors and textures to try out there!”

“No kidding!” Pinkie Pie giggled. “I love the farm where my family raised me, but we didn’t have a lot of sweets, so when I left home to strike out on my own I wanted to try EVERYTHING I could get my hooves on. I’d even make a few bits on the side making bets with ponies. Things like ‘I bet I can eat this much cake in one sitting’ or ‘I bet I can fit these many cupcakes in my mouth at once.’”

“Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. In fact, every other week I go down to my favorite seafood place in Springfield, The Frying Dutchman, and they bring me all the shrimp I can eat. All I have to do is let people watch and it’s a free meal.”

Pinkie started to say something when the front doorbell jingled signaling a customer. As both Pony and Kwyjbo alike poked their heads out of the kitchen, they saw Twilight trotting in.

Even as Homer watched, Pinkie Pie ducked back around the corner and somehow managed to pop up directly behind the counter a moment later. “Hiya Twilight!” She chirped.

Twilight smiled, but it didn’t quite reach her eyes as she looked a little lost in thought. “Hey Pinkie, hey Homer. Listen, I have a bit of an odd request. I know it’s not the right season but do you have any gingerbread ponies?”

“You bet we do! I always keep a batch of holiday sweets around just in case someone has an out of season craving!” Pinkie said, ducking behind the counter and popping back up with a box filled with said gingerbread cookies all in tiny pony shapes. There were even cookies with tiny wings or horns to represent all three tribes.

“Oh these are perfect!” Twilight said looking genuinely happy now as she floated a few bits onto the counter. “Thanks Pinkie I know I can always count on you when it comes to snacks.”

Twilight then opened the box and lifted up a gingerbread pony with her magic. Twilight stared down at the smiling little cookie as her own expression soured and with a low growl she lunged and bit the head clean off!

“Mmm, these are good!” Twilight said with a content noise as she chewed, not noticing Homer and Pinkie Pie drawing back in alarm. But rather than eat the rest of the first cookie, she put it down and grabbed another one. Just as she had before she glowered at it before proceeding to bite the head off with one hard chomp after another.

“Oookay…” Homer said slowly, his eyes huge. “I don't always pick up on these things, but I think something might be bothering her.”

“Yeah, is everything alright Twilight?” Pinkie asked. By now Twilight was more than halfway through the box.

Twilight paused before she could bite off another head, looking from Homer to Pinkie and then down at the growing pile of headless cookie ponies. “...I take it this is concerning?”

Homer and Pinkie nodded in perfect sync.

“Sorry guys, I’m a little stressed at the moment. Or rather, Princess Celestia is stressed which in turn is making me stressed. Do you recall how when we first contacted her to let her know about Homer, Celestia was trying to raise money for a settlement of ponies who lost their crops to Parasprites?”

There was a long pause.

“Okay well, do you recall that I just told you that a second ago?” Twilight asked, arching an eyebrow.

Another simultaneous nod from man and pony.

“Eh, good enough. The thing is, every effort Celestia has made to temporarily increase taxes to cover the recovery has been gummed up by the nobility in Canterlot. They’re pulling every connection they have to slow trot the whole process and she’s running out of options.”

“Can’t she just say ‘do this or I’ll lock you up’?’ like, you know most rulers do?” Homer asked.

Twilight sighed. “Believe me, she’d love to but the problem is that would give them all the ammunition they’d ever need to paint her as a despot. Princess Celestia and Princess Luna have to toe the line between asserting their rule and forcing it, push too hard and they’ll lose the trust of the public.”

“So in other words, the pony who literally controls the sun is as deadlocked by politics as anybody else?”

“Pretty much yeah. And it drives her nuts to be so helpless to do more for her subjects. I’ve been writing back and forth with her about it and I can tell she’s really getting frustrated. And given that she’s been both a mentor and a sort of third parental figure most of my life, seeing her like that has me on edge too.”

“Of course, now that leaves me with a bunch of headless gingerbread ponies, and if I take these back to the castle I’m sure Spike would be just as concerned for my mental health as you two were.” Twilight said, looking down at the decapitated sweets with a grimace. “Uhm, Homer, would you be willing to polish these off if it’s not too much trouble?”

“Twilight I think we both know the answer to that question is yes.” Homer said as he took the box and, without any hesitation, began to stuff the cookies into his mouth. “Mmmm…incriminating evidence.”

As Pinkie Pie watched Homer eat, she glanced at Twilight, and then at the kitchen, and then back to Homer as the complex workings of her little pony mind suddenly lurched into action. The hamster in the wheel started running, the monkeys at the typewriters started typing, the drinking birds began to bob and all manner of things in her head went ‘click’ and ‘whirr’ and ‘glug-glug-glug’ before there was an audible ‘DING!’

Pinkie Pie’s eyes lit up as she gave a gasp. “THAT’S IT!” She squealed loud enough to startle Homer in the middle of gorging, causing him to start choking.

“What’s it Pinkie?” Twilight asked. Normally she might have noticed Homer clawing at the counter and beating his chest, but Pinkie Pie had a knack for drawing attention to herself.

“I know how to raise the money Princess Celestia needs!” Pinkie Pie said bouncing up and down so fast she was practically a blur while Homer collapsed in a spray of gingerbread crumbs.

“We just need to-oops, hang on one second.” Pinkie, finally noticing Homer was in distress, embraced him from behind and applied the pony version of the Heimlich Maneuver. Finally Homer spat out an enormous lump of partially chewed gingerbread in a manner not unlike a cat hocking up a hairball.

Homer coughed for a few seconds before he got a few good lungful's of air. “Thank you Pinkie, you were saying?” He wheezed.

“I think what we should do is host a big public event and use the money we raise from ponies paying to attend it to cover what Celestia wants to do.” Pinkie explained as she patted Homer’s back and handed him a glass of water. “That way she doesn’t have to raise taxes and the nobles won’t make a fuss about raising taxes because there won’t be any tax raises in the first place!”

Twilight seemed to mull it over. “You know, that could very well work, but exactly what kind of public event did you have in mind?”

“Only the biggest spectacle in the history of sugary snacks! Princess Celestia and Homer, head-to-head in a winner take all eating contest!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed, bouncing up and down in excitement.

Twilight blinked. “...You want one of the rulers of our nation to sit down across from Homer and, in full view of potentially hundreds if not thousands of ponies, stuff her face to see which of them can eat the most?”

“Absolutely!” Pinkie chirped.

Four years ago when she had just come to Ponyville, Twilight would have said it sounded insane. Now as an older and wiser pony...well it still sounded insane, but Twilight had long learned sometimes good things could come from the craziness of this town.

Twilight mulled this over before she sighed. “Oh what the Hell, at this point I’m pretty sure Celestia would be willing to watch paint dry if it meant she could help those ponies out.” There was a pause as Twilight and Pinkie shared a look before both ponies broke into a sudden bit of giggling.

“Uh, am I missing something?” Homer asked, looking a little confused.

“Just a little inside joke.” Twilight said waving a hoof him. "I suppose there's no harm in contacting Princess Celestia and running the idea by her."

It didn't take long to make the trek back to Twilight's castle to find Spike, and only slightly longer to convince him it was worth cutting his nap short for a quick letter with a bribe of a few jewels.

"Well it's definitely a crazy idea, but as the old cliche goes, it just might be crazy enough to work." Spike admitted as he sent the letter on it's way to Celestia with a burst of emerald flame. "Ponies around here are definitely curious about Homer, and I bet they'd be just as eager to see him even in a big place like Canterlot. Put him in the same spotlight as the princess and you guys might have a real shot of raising the money she needs."

"And, though I hesitate to admit it, even the nobility would probably pay to attend. Major sporting events can be a prime place for the upper class to make some serious wagers, so they would have no reason to complain, and every reason to support it themselves." Twilight said, slowly warming up to the idea herself.

"Oooh this is so exciting!" Pinkie Pie said seeming to be even more hard pressed to stay still than usual, zipping all over the place with eager little giggles. "Do you think Princess Celestia will agree?"

While they had been speaking, Homer had been looking out the window at the view of Ponyville when he saw something off in the distance, coming from the direction of Canterlot. He squinted a bit, holding up a hand to shield his eyes. "Hey guys, how big do the pigeons get around here?"

"I dunno, not that much bigger than any of the other birds we have around here," Twilight said, her curiosity spurring her to trot over and look out the window in the same direction as Homer. "Why what's...oh buck me that's not a pigeon EVERYBODY DOWN!"

Homer and Twilight ducked, Pinkie Pie and Spike following suit as a large white blur flew through the window, bounced and turned into a tumbling sprawl of wings and hooves as one of the highest authorities in Equestria went ass over tea kettle into a bookshelf with a crash.

Scattered pages filled the air like drifting snowflakes as Twilight approached a pile of books and papers out of which a familiar tail with billowing rainbow hues stuck out from under. "I take it you wanted to discuss our proposal your highness?" She asked with a deadpan tone.

"Very much so, yes." Came the muffled voice of Princess Celestia from underneath the pile.

Author's Note

To quote Mushu from Mulan (the original animated film thank you very much) I LIIIIIIIVE!

It has struck me that with the world as strange as it is these days, it is more important than ever to provide smiles and laughter whenever possible. So in spite of my atrociously poor ability to commit to regular updates here is proof positive that neither I, nor this story, is dead! :twilightsmile:

I debated having a few more one on one chapters between Homer and the girls (which will still happen, including one I have planned for him and Spike) but I figured it might not be a bad time to start the next 'arc' of the story where Homer starts to participate more actively in the happenings in Ponyville. I can only apologize for the fact it's been over a YEAR since my last update, as I am often a victim of starting to write, and then trying to convince myself I shouldn't go back and redo it until it's just write.

But as a friend of mine was kind enough to point out 'Don't let perfect get in the way of good enough.' Advice I gladly pass on to you, dear reader along with hopefully the pleasant surprise of an update!

A Less Than Stellar Introduction

Homer in Equestria: The Less Than Epic Saga

By Barry the Brony

It was funny how even being at the heart of the complete and total collapse of an entire dimension, Homer Simpson found it was still preferable to an evening with Marge’s sisters in law. Yes the slow disintegration of his body on a molecular level was...disconcerting, but even as he kept screaming ‘crap’ at the top of his lungs as he plummeted into an unimaginable abyss, he liked to think he was still getting off easy.

The last thing he had seen before he had started to literally go to pieces had been Bart being hauled back by the rope around his waist, whisking him back to their beloved two dimensional reality, never to be plagued again by the terror that was seeing your own fat ass in full polygonal rendering.

As much as he fantasized on occasion about backing over the boy with his car, it was a small consolation that Bart was safe now. The last swirling bits of detritus that were now all that remained of the collapsing dimension joined him in the slow descent to oblivion as Homer’s thoughts turned to his family in what were surely his final moments.

‘Marge...Lisa...Maggie...The Boy...I’m really gonna miss you guys. Wish I had the chance to see the kids grow up, or just tell Marge how much I love her one more time but eh, what can you do? It was a pretty good run all things considered. I had a family, nice house, can’t say I’m gonna miss Flanders worth a damn but...could have wound up in a worse place than Springfield. Man, imagine if I had settled down in Shelbyville!’

One by one all of his sensations began to leave him in what felt like the gentle unraveling of his very being. There was no fear, no anger, just peace and a growing curiosity as to what came next. ‘Let’s see...Reverend Lovejoy and Flanders always went on about heaven and angels and all that crap, but I wonder what it would be like to be reincarnated? Ooh, I could come back as a monkey! Spending the whole day just scratching my ass and masturbating, sign me up!’

Or maybe this was to be Homer’s final fate, an eternity in quiet contemplation as to the very nature of his existence as a being of pure consciousness. Now more at peace then he had ever been in his whole life, Homer Simpson let go of his past and embraced whatever was to come…

Then suddenly, he experienced a sensation that could best be described as snapping back into place as if his entire being was a giant rubber band. All five senses kicked in at once as Homer had suddenly gone from falling through the void of eternity, to the sudden whistling of wind in his face and the sun in his eyes.

“Wait...face...eyes...arms...legs...crotch...I’m back baby! WOOHOO!” He hollered at the top of his lungs as the clouds around him parted and revealed a jaw dropping vista spreading out before him as far as the eye could see. There was a castle that put Disney World to shame built into the side of a towering mountain peak, majestic clouds sculpted to form entire cities drifting through the air as light as a feather, and right below him a small cozy little settlement on the edge of a sprawling forest. It was beautiful, it was inspiring it was...coming up to meet him at alarming speed?

The joy and wonder at not only being restored to one piece but in the middle of some breathtaking new world was immediately replaced by a far more pressing issue, as Homer started screaming at the top of his lungs and plummeted from the sky like a big yellow rock.

***

It was a beautiful day in Ponyville and for once it seemed as if the citizens might be able to enjoy the perfect weather free of any problems.

They really, really should have known better.

There are certain locations in the multiverse that seem destined to be magnets for trouble until the end of time. Angel Grove,The Mushroom Kingdom, the entirety of Japan, the list went on. Ponyville may not have ranked the highest among such locations, but it was hard to deny the number of monster attacks, natural disasters and Discord-centric shenanigans were well beyond normal parameters (a certain purple Alicorn would be the first one to tell you, she has the graphs to prove it too).

In fact if it weren’t for Mayor Mare’s aggressive efforts to convince the inhabitants of Equestria that it was worth settling down on the edge of the Everfree Forest courtesy of some of the most dirt cheap housing Equestria had ever seen, one would have expected most of the population to have relocated by now.

As a result, most of its citizens had become remarkably desensitized to matters both strange and spectacular alike, so when a certain perky pink party pony started zipping around screaming ‘Twitchy Tail! TWITCHY TAIL!!!’ hardly anyone seemed to bat an eye.

Pinkie Pie was...well honestly words failed to do her much justice especially at times like this. Wearing an umbrella hat on her head, the little pink Earth Pony was zipping from one hiding spot to another, all the while her tail was, well, twitching.

Sitting on a bench Princess Twilight Sparkle, prodigal student to Princess Celestia herself and bearer of the Element of Magic, had only one question on her mind as she watched the pink blur zip and zoom back and forth.

“...Pinkie are you absolutely sure you don’t just have an itch back there? I know your ’Pinkie Sense’ has a pretty good track record, but you’ve been running around for the last minute screaming and nothing’s fallen from the sky yet.”

The pink blur skidded to a stop in front of Twilight as one of her closest friends sucked in a few lungful's of air, sounding less like a pony and more like one of the squeak toys Applejack got for Winona as a treat from time to time.

“But...hahh….must...hahh...warn...hahh...ponies...hahh….falling objects...hahh...detrimental to...hahh...fun!” Pinkie squeaked, proving once again (even though by now it was wholly unnecessary) just how devoted she was to being the Element of Laughter.

“I know, and it’s very considerate how you want to use your, uh, ‘innate abilities’ to warn ponies so nobody gets hurt, but usually whatever’s going to happen when your Pinkie Sense goes off kicks in pretty soon after you start feeling the effects.”

“But...what about the doozy at Froggy Bottom Pond? That lasted all the way through after we escaped from the Hydra remember?” Pinkie countered before she gave a little giggle. “Hee, I sure sounded funny when I was vibrating.”

Twilight sighed as she realized her friend had a point. She’d long since given up trying to explain the exact nature of Pinkie’s...well, Pinkieness for the sake of her own sanity, so there was no sense in pushing the matter if Pinkie was absolutely sure something was about to happen.

Just then Pinkie’s ears pricked up. “Hmmm, that’s funny, and not the ha-ha kind of funny, this is the weird kind. Twilight, do you hear something?”

Twilight blinked in confusion. “Uh, anything specific of just in general?” She looked around but aside from the sound of several ponies walking around town and the occasional snatch of conversation nothing seemed to be out of the ordinary.

Pinkie Pie had tilted her head to the side with an ear raised, one eye closed and her tongue sticking out as she seemed to be trying to pick up something. “It’s a little faint, but it sounds like someone’s screaming.”

“Screaming?” Now Twilight was alert. Pinkie Pie’s hearing had been fine tuned from years of spreading smiles to the point that she could hear a sad sniffle or an angry mutter a mile away. If it sounded like someone wasn’t having the bestest most wonderful time ever, then it was her sworn duty to seek it out and put things right come hell or high water.

“Yeah...hang on...getting a little clearer, sounds like...hmm…’holyshitholyshitholyshitI’mgonnadieI’mgonnadieoohlookarainbow’” Pinkie gave a puzzled hum. “Hey Twilight what does holy shit mean?”

Twilight Sparkle stared straight ahead with a horrified expression, her left eye twitching as her tiny brain began to short out. You could almost see the smoke coming out of the Alicorn’s ears as she struggled to decide what was the more immediate crisis: someone in mortal danger, or Pinkie Pie learning profanity.

“Uhhh...ask your sister next time you see her! Where’s the screaming coming from?”

“Sounds like...right above us!” Sure enough as both ponies looked skyward they could just make out a figure falling from out of a cloudbank overhead, the screaming now audible to Twilight as well.

“Oh no that poor...wait what is that?” Pinkie Pie squinted her eyes and held a hoof up over her eyes to block out the sun. “Looks kind of like a yellow Diamond Dog, wait Diamond Dog’s can’t fly can they?”

“No and from the looks of it neither can that thing! We have to do something or it won’t matter what it is, we’ll be scraping it off the ground with a spatula!” Twilight’s wings flared out in alarm as the reality of the situation hit her.

“Okay uhm...quick use a spell to stop it’s fall!”

“It’s moving too fast, I can’t get a bead on it!”

“Uhhh...fly up and catch it before it hits the ground!”

“Same problem! It would take someone the size of Celestia to stop that kind of momentum when it’s falling at that speed. Even if I flew right underneath it, I’d either pull my forelegs from their sockets trying to catch it or just wind up crushed flat!”

“Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh...wait, wait! I know what to do!” Pinkie cried as she dove in front of a nearby bush and began to dig into the dirt like a pastel colored prairie dog.

“...And it involves digging a hole in the ground because…?” In spite of the situation Twilight couldn’t help but arch an eyebrow at how Pinkie had her hindquarters up in the air as the rest of her vanished into a hole she had just dug.

Then, still covered with dirt Pinkie pulled out a large brightly colored package labeled ‘FOR EMERGENCY PARTY USE ONLY’. Tossing it in front of herself, Pinkie took a pull cord on the side in her teeth and tugged hard.

Twilight yelped and fell back on her plot as the package then suddenly expanded at incredible speed, the contents revealed to be an inflatable bouncy castle large enough to double as a life raft for half of Ponyville.

Her timing was perfect, as the Unidentified Falling Object dropped out of the sky like a rock. The long shrill bird like scream it had been making cut off as the creature impacted the bounce castle and then launched straight back up into the air, landed on a nearby roof, rolled off, bounced off a tarp and finally did a face plant on the ground.

For a few seconds neither pony said anything, just looking down at the large unresponsive yellow biped dressed in a white shirt and blue jeans. Twilight leaned in and gently put her hoof to the creature’s neck and sighed in relief as she picked up a pulse. Twilight really hadn’t wanted her next letter to Princess Celestia to have gone to the effect of ‘Dear Princess Celestia, I watched something die today, your thoughts? Love Twilight Sparkle.”

“...Well, that happened.” Twilight managed before they noticed the rest of the ponies in town that had started to come investigate the commotion. There was a lot of concerned muttering in the background as more than a few ponies seemed to be trying to figure what had just fallen out of the sky.

“Nothing to be worried about everypony, everything is under control!” She said flaring out her wings and doing her best to project an air of confidence and self assurance. That image was promptly destroyed when she squeaked in surprise as the creature suddenly jolted up with a scream.

“HOMER NOT MEANT TO FLY!” Having gotten over it’s delayed reaction, the biped paused and patted itself down. “Wait...I’m alive? I’m alive! Alive I tell you ali-” The reference to a classic black and white monster movie was cut short as the biped seemed to finally notice it was not alone.

Twilight looked just as surprised as it did, not only because of it’s bizarre appearance, but because it was speaking in perfectly understandable Equis! The little Alicorn’s eyes were huge and shimmering with excitement as she realized what a once in a lifetime opportunity to study a brand new species had literally fallen into her lap!

Homer’s reaction meanwhile was considerably less...enthusiastic. His eyes were darting from one pastel colored little horse to the next, breaking out in a cold sweat as he tried to keep from freaking out. ‘Stay calm Simpson, don’t panic, they can probably smell fear. Just don’t make any sudden moves, and I’ll just slowly, calmly….’

Homer’s entire world was suddenly full of a pink muzzle and wide blue eyes. This would have been startling enough had it not been for the fact that Pinkie Pie had chosen the worst possible moment to demonstrate her ability to defy the laws of physics in the pursuit of fun, popping out from his shirt collar so they were literally nose to nose while she started babbling a mile a minute.

“HIMYNAME’SPINKIEPIEOHMYGOSHTHATWASSOSCARYAREYOUOKAYCANIGETYOUSOMETHINGTOEATWHAT’SYOURFAVORITECOLORDOYOULIKEPARTIESILOVEPARTIESIBETWE’REGONNABEFRIENDSFOREVERANDEVERANDEVER!!!”

His response was, naturally, an absolutely blood curdling scream before he passed out in a dead faint. Pinkie blinked as she looked down at the expression of pure unbridled terror still fixed on Homer’s face before she looked up and saw Twilight was holding her face in her hooves.

“Um...was it something I said?”

Author's Note

And we're off and running! Hope you guys like what you see so far, you are more then welcome to leave feedback, constructive criticism or even story ideas below if you like. Don't worry if someone tosses out an idea I like you'll be given full credit, pinkie promise!

It's not a Proper Simpsons Crossover Until Homer Gets Hurt

Homer in Equestria: The Less Than Epic Saga

By Barry the Brony

Homer stirred slowly, roused by the chirping of birds outside the window as he yawned. Looking down, he smiled at the sight of Pinkie cuddled up against him, the ghost of a smile on her face as she had a secure but gentle grip on him.

‘Note to self, pony snuggles are best snuggles...well, except for Marge snuggles.’ Homer thought as he reached down and stroked her hair, causing her to give a soft coo. The tender moment was interrupted by an urgent signal from his bladder.

‘Uh-oh, gotta take a whiz. Aww but I’m so comfy, come on Simpson think. Think….thinkthinkthinkthink...yeah I better get up.’ Moving very slowly as to not disturb Pinkie, Homer slid out from under the covers. As the bed shifted Pinkie made a little whine like a dog and flailed her hooves around where Homer had been.

Slipping a pillow between her arms, Homer gave a soft chuckle as Pinkie’s arms wrapped around it immediately settling down with a content noise. “Man I better be careful, if these guys get any cuter I’m gonna wind up having a heart attack...I mean, again.”

It didn’t take Homer long to find Pinkie’s bathroom, and despite some initial concerns as to whether or not there would be any noticeable differences in design, the sight of the toilet sitting in the corner was like seeing an old cherished friend.

As Homer took care of business, the novelty of the situation caused a big goofy smile to spread over his face. “I’m whizzing in an alternate universe...and I love it!" The moment was quickly spoiled however, by the sudden feeling that Homer was no longer alone.

Homer turned his head, and found Gummy staring at him from atop the sink. This was peculiar for a number of reasons, the biggest being there had been no sign of the little alligator in the bathroom when Homer had entered, and he certainly would have heard if the door had opened.

To Homer’s credit he didn’t scream, though he did tense up enough to briefly bring the sound of urination to a halt. Homer stared at Gummy, and Gummy stared right back at him neither of them moving a muscle.

“Uh...occupied?” No response. “Ocupado?” Nothing. “Look pal seriously, I’m not putting on a show here.” Again, no reaction from Gummy. A bead of sweat ran down Homer’s head at the vacant yet oddly penetrating stare he was getting from the tiny reptile.

Slowly, very slowly, Homer reached over and slid a box of tissues in front of Gummy breaking their line of sight with each other. When nothing happened after a few seconds, Homer allowed himself to relax and resumed his business.

However when he finished and walked over to the sink to wash his hands, Homer couldn’t help but notice that the little alligator had vanished as quickly as he had appeared. As Homer left the bathroom he peered over the railing and, sure enough, there was Gummy still laying on his rock.

Homer just watched Gummy with a puzzled expression. ‘Huh, so can reptiles teleport around here or can they do that at home too and nobody bothered to tell me? Maybe I should start watching Animal Planet again when I get back.’

Deciding he wasn’t going to be solving this particular mystery anytime soon, Homer quietly walked down the stairs. As he brushed his hand against the cupcake that served as a banister post for the stairway however, he jerked back in surprise at the sound of a loud click. The cupcake began sinking into itself with the sound of machinery from inside.

Homer’s initial thought was for some inexplicable reason he had just triggered a booby trap and a giant boulder was about to come hurling down the stairs after him, but what actually happened was just as unusual. He yelped as the stairs flattened turning into a ramp.

“What the heeeeeyyaaaaaAAAHHHH!!!” Pinkie Pie was jostled from her sleep by the sound of Homer sliding down the stairs on his ass, letting out a rushed ‘HIPINKIEBYEPINKIE! Before he vanished into a trapdoor that opened up just before he could hit the floor. As it slid shut Pinkie cringed at the muffled sound of multiple crashes.

“Oops, guess I forgot to warn him about the fun slide…”

Meanwhile somewhere in the depths of the Bakery, Homer groaned as he rolled over and tried to see so much as an inch past his own face in the darkness surrounding him. “Oww...where the hell am I now?”

Homer started to fumble through the dark with his hands in front of him. “Okay stay calm Homer, I’m sure there’s a perfectly logical reason why Pinkie has a secret room in her house that doesn’t involve the words ‘serial killer’ in it. Just gotta find the lights and...ah-ha!”

Homer felt his hand brush over a lightswitch and flicked it on, wincing at the sudden illumination. When his eyes adjusted they widened at finding himself in a room that looked like it had been partially carved out of bedrock.

Everywhere Homer looked he saw file cabinets, balloons, and crates upon crates of party supplies. Yet what drew his eye was what was sitting in the corner of the room. It looked like a clothes mannequin, more specifically one modeled after a pony’s proportions, wearing a sleek black outfit with a wide brimmed fedora, cloak and cowl.

“Wait….caped black costume...hidden underground base...ability to appear and disappear without warning...my god it all makes sense now! Pinkie Pie is Batman!” Homer proclaimed clapping his hands to either side of his head in shock.

“Whose Batman?”

“MOTHER-” Homer managed to stifle himself before he could accidentally teach Pinkie Pie a new word as the little pink pony looked up at him from the crate she had popped up out of. “Jeez Pinkie how about a little warning? I only have one pair of pants right now.”

“Oh, sorry Homer, I keep forgetting you’re not as used to me popping in and out as everyone else in Ponyville.” Pinkie hopped out of the crate and nuzzled his side with her head in apology, looking up at him with concern. “You okay?”

“Eh, I’m fine Pinkie, not the first time I nearly wet myself and god knows it’s not gonna be the last.” Homer assured her giving her head a gentle pat. “So what is all this anyway?”

“My Secret Underground Party Planning Cave.”

Homer gave her a blank stare. “Aaaand you have one of those because?”

“Well, where else am I going to secretly plan parties underground?” Pinkie Pie managed to ask this as though it was the most obvious thing in the world to have an entire underground cavern full of party supplies and files on everyone in town.

Homer just stared off into space as he mulled this over. “...Huh, you got me there. Now what’s this over here?” He asked pointing to the costume in the corner.

“Oh wow, my old Mare-Do-Well costume, I almost forgot I had this down here!” Pinkie hopped over and put her hooves on the box the mannequin was standing on as she looked up at the costume. “Funny story, you know Rainbow Dash right?”

“The little pony with wings who looks like she’s got candy for hair and a tail?” Homer replied before a bit of input from his stomach briefly overrode his brain. “Mmmm….Skittles….”

Pinkie Pie let out a gasp. “Oh my gosh that’s totally what I thought when I first saw her too!” She said in excitement before she gave an absolutely adorable huff. “Turns out her hair doesn’t taste anything like Skittles though. Also turns out you really shouldn’t chew on someone’s hair until you get to know them a little better…”

“Anyway, Rainbow Dash was starting to get a little, well okay a lot carried away with having everyone telling her how awesome she is. She kept looking for ponies to save and disasters to fix for all the wrong reasons and even started trying to peddle her own catch phrases.”

“So you dressed up as a costumed vigilante and showed her that a real hero lets his or her actions speak for themselves in selfless dedication to the benefit of others rather than self promotion?”

“Exactly!” Pinkie said with an excited little hop before she paused and looked down at the ground with a puzzled look. “At least I think that’s what we were going for, looking back the whole thing seemed a lot more complicated than it needed to be…”

“Pfft, Pinkie, let me tell you something, spending your entire life thinking your mother was dead only to find out she went underground to escape the law after destroying a corrupt business tycoon’s germ warfare research? That was complicated...also emotionally exhausting.”

Pinkie just stared up at Homer with eyes the size of dinner plates. “...Wow. You sure you don’t need like, a gazillion hugs and a couple musical numbers? Seriously I can clear my schedule for a few days if you want to get started.”

“Aww, that’s sweet of you kiddo, but I think I’ll be okay.” Homer said tussling her mane making Pinkie giggle. Suddenly he caught a whiff of something and straightened up sniffing the air. “Hey you smell something?”

“Wait I’m confused, I thought you said you didn’t wet your pants.”

“Not that kind of smell!”

“Wait...hang on, think I’ve got something too.” Homer and Pinkie started sniffing the air before they let out simultaneous gasps.

“PANCAKES!!”

In the kitchen of Sugarcube Corner, Mr. Cake was flipping pancakes while his wife tucked the twins into their highchairs when he paused and cocked an ear at the sound of something rummaging behind the walls.

Giving a small sigh he set down the spatula for a moment and followed the sound of rummaging and a muffled, albeit familiar, squeaky voice. “Some ponies have mice, some ponies have bats, we have…” He knocked on part of the wall and when it clearly felt off he swung it open. “Pinkie Pie.”

“Morning Mister Cake, ooh breakfast smells good!” Pinkie said as she poked her head out of the wall. While Pinkie had long since made her patented Pinkie Promise not to compromise the structural integrity of the house, it was always disconcerting to find a new tunnel or mechanism leading to and from her ‘secret’ party planning cave that hadn’t been there the day before.

“Well your timing is perfect dear, we were just about to call for you and Homer to come down,” Mrs. Cake said as she finished tying a bib around Pound’s neck. “Where is Homer anyway?”

“Oh he’s right behind me! Come on Homer we’re just in time!” While Pinkie popped out of the hole in the wall without any problems, the Cakes exchanged looks of concern as they heard Homer start to grunt behind the wall.

“Pinkie are you sure Homer’s going to be able to-”

But Homer was already trying to squeeze his way through a passage meant for a much smaller creature and before Mr. Cake could even finish his sentence Homer’s determined wriggling abruptly came to a stop halfway through. “Uh...guys? I might need a little help.”

“Oh bother,” Mr Cake sighed. “Pinkie, mind giving me a hoof?” With Pinkie Pie on one side of Homer and Mr. Cake on the other, they each took hold of one of his arms and started to pull as hard as they could.

Outside the bakery, Twilight and Spike were fast approaching and, to the surprise of nobody at all, Twilight was already deep in thought. “Just think Spike, with a little cross cultural comparison between our world and Homer’s, we could discover completely new avenues of research for everything from energy to medicine to literature!”

“And you think we’re going to get all of that from a guy who's scared to death of sock puppets because…?” It wasn’t that Spike didn’t like Homer, but he was worried Twilight was building him up to be this miraculous bridge between dimensions instead of what had to be someone with the best/worst luck imaginable.

Before she could offer a rebuttal Twilight’s ears pricked up as she caught a snatch of conversation from the other side of a window in the bakery.

“-most got him through, we just need a few more sticks!” Came Pinkie’s voice.

“We’d be done by now if he didn’t keep eating it.” Mr. Cake followed up with a bit of irritation in his voice.

“Well excuse me for appreciating quality dairy products even at the inconvenience of myself and those around me.” Came Homer’s reply.

“We’ll be sure to pass your compliments along to Applejack dear but right now we need you to suck in your gut. Ready? On three.” Came a third voice, likely Mrs. Cake.

Twilight and her Number One Assistant exchanged looks of equal bewilderment as this was followed by the sound of three earth ponies audibly straining. The next thing they heard was a sound not unlike a cork popping out of a bottle followed by a scream.

As the screaming grew louder Twilight’s eyes widened as she had just enough time to recognize the Doppler Effect in action to grab Spike and dive for cover. A second later Homer came crashing through the cozy little bakery window like a stunt double in a Michael Bay remake of the Keebler Elf commercials.

Homer hit the ground hard with a crunching noise, wearing a nice even coating of broken glass and butter as he rolled over onto his back with a groan. “Ohhh yeah, nothing like a little adrenaline to wake you right up...oh good morning Twilight.”

Twilight and Spike just stood there for a few seconds staring before Spike broke the silence first. “...So is learning how to break a window with your face one of the things you were hoping he could teach us?”

“Well, the trick is to try and go limp right at the moment of impact but other then that it’s not nearly as hard as it looks.” Homer replied as Spike’s attempt at sarcasm went so far over his head it achieved orbit.

Twilight kept staring for a few seconds before she closed her eyes, took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Okay, so, couple things in order. First, good morning Homer. Second, Spike I do believe we’ve talked about the importance of thinking before you speak, and finally what the BUCK just happened?!”

“Well funny story, I got stuck in one of Pinkie’s holes and Mr and Mrs. Cake needed to lube me up with butter to pull me out, but I guess they pulled a little too hard and so I went clear through the window.”

Twilight’s left eye was now sporting a noticeable twitch. “PINKIE PIE!”

“Oh my gosh is everyone okay?!” Pinkie poked her head as far out the window as she could without running the risk of cutting herself on the glass still in the frame. As if the situation wasn’t already surreal enough, the little earth pony was wearing a bicycle helmet and enveloped in bubble wrap.

Then to Twilight’s disbelief, Homer slowly sat up and dusted himself off as if nothing was wrong. “Eh, on a scale one to ten I’d give that a three tops, nothing a couple bandaids won’t fix.”

Twilight looked at Homer, then up at Pinkie, then back down at Homer before looking back up at her as if unsure who to direct her questions at now. “How are you...Why is she...what...okay, will someone please tell me what’s going on?”

“Did you tell her about getting stuck in my hole?” Pinkie asked oblivious as to just how much worse this question was making the twitch in Twilight’s eye get.

“Yup.”

“And the part where we had to use butter to grease you up?”

“Yup.”

“You told her about how Mr. and Mrs. Cake helped pull you out?”

“Yup.”

“She saw the part where you went through the window right?”

“Pretty sure yeah.”

“Then...what part didn’t you get the first time Twilight?” Pinkie tilted her head looking a little puzzled. “You sure you’re okay? Your face is twitching like my tail on a rainy day.”

“Wait...oh crap are the little baby ponies okay?!” Homer shot up to his feet in alarm apparently more concerned as to whether anyone other than himself had been riddled with broken glass.

“Oh don’t worry Homer, Pinkie Pie ah, took charge of the situation.” Came Mrs. Cakes’ voice from inside the bakery. Looking Homer and Twilight were treated to the site of not only Mr. and Mrs. Cake, but even the twins all dressed in similar attires of bubble wrap and safety helmets.

“We heard the window break and everything suddenly turned into a pink blur.” Mr. Cake said waddling over to a closet to pull out a broom in his mouth. “I don’t even think Homer had hit the ground before we were all wearing, whatever these are supposed to be.”

“Oh that’s a few rolls from my Emergency Bubble Wrap Stash along with a couple helmets from my Emergency Roller Skating Stash. When you’ve got as many stashes tucked away as I do, it’s pretty easy to pick and choose what you need for the situation.” Pinkie Pie explained.

Twilight just...stared as if her brain was having trouble deciding what she should be flipping out about first. Finally she turned to Spike who had been sitting cross legged on the grass and enjoying every second of the bedlam. “...Spike I need you to slap me so I know if I’m dreaming.”

Spike was likely supposed to outright refuse, maybe even express equal parts shock and horror at the idea of inflicting harm on a pony who was for all intents and purposes an older sibling. Instead, he simply shrugged, said “Okay.” and swatted her on the nose like a misbehaving dog.

“Ow!” Twilight yelped as she scrunched up her nose. “Jeez, you could have at least pretended to hesitate.” She said with a huff.

“Yeah sorry, I may have been waiting for that opportunity ever since you left me on a melting block of ice in the middle of a lake our first Winter Wrap-Up.” Spike may have been trying not to look pleased with himself, but he clearly wasn’t trying very hard.

Author's Note

Shouldn't take too long for the next update I said, almost done with Monster Hunter World I said. Freaking grinding for Greatsword Streamstones... :facehoof:

But yes, here is another chapter, such as it is where I got to play with having Homer and Pinkie Pie under the same roof, can you tell I'm enjoying myself at the expense of Twilight's sanity? :pinkiecrazy:

Oh and to clarify a couple of things, one, Skittles exist in Equestria too, only they don't screw around when their tagline is 'Taste the Rainbow'. And two, given that Applejack keeps pigs and chickens, it's not much of a stretch to imagine she keeps a few cows around to provide milk and manure.

Well it made sense to me at the time in any case :derpytongue2: