*Kissu Kissu*
Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.
“Oh, goodness!” Rarity said with a jolt, dropping her pincushion. “I wonder who that could be at this hour?”
Rarity trotted across the floor of her boutique and opened the door.
“Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey Rarity!” Pinkie Pie chirped in an obnoxiously loud fashion.
“Pinkie, dear, come in, please!” Rarity stepped aside and allowed her friend to bounce inside before closing the door. “What brings you over, darling?”
Pinkie hopped onto Rarity’s couch and jumped up and down a few times before settling into a sitting position. “I have a favor to ask; I’m running a charity kissing booth at the town carnival tomorrow and it would make me reeeeeaaaallly happy if you could come and join me!”
Rarity chuckled. “A kissing booth? A little tacky, but I suppose if it’s for a good cause I couldn’t possibly decline.”
“Yay!” Pinkie celebrated, clopping her hooves together and pulling Rarity into a hug. “You’re sooooo pretty that I just know you’ll bring lots and lots of ponies to the booth!”
“Well, a lady never kisses and tells,” Rarity quipped, flipping her coiffe, “However, I do have an inkling that you may be right, dear. That must be why you came to ask me first!”
Pinkie Pie let out an adorable laugh-snort. “No, silly, I asked all of our friends to take part! You’re just the first pony that said yes.”
“Goodness me, none of them could participate!?”
Pinkie shook her head solemnly. “Applejack has to work on the farm, Fluttershy wouldn’t talk to me about it, and Twilight lectured me about infectious diseases for forty-five minutes.”
Rarity grinned and rolled her eyes. “And I’m guessing you didn’t even bother to ask Rainbow Dash?”
“Oh, I asked Dashie, too. She puked on her own hooves.”
“Oh, my!” gasped Rarity. “I knew Rainbow Dash wasn’t a big fan of affection, but I had no idea the very thought of kissing somepony would make her vomit!”
“Well, she has the stomach flu,” Pinkie Pie tacked on.
“Ah...If I may ask, what charity are we supporting?”
“It’s called Cakes for Kids!” Pinkie Pie explained, grinning widely. “Mrs. Cake has partnered with them for years and years now.”
“And what do they do?”
“They bake birthday cakes for orphaned foals! It makes them so happy!” Pinkie Pie wrapped herself in a big hug and hummed happily. “Oooohhh, I just love the looks on their faces when they get a cake!”
“Oh,” Rarity said, her ears flattening against her head. “How, uh, unique.”
Pinkie Pie frowned. “You don’t sound like you like it.”
“Oh, no darling, I think it’s a very, uhm, interesting charity. I’m just not sure it’s the most efficient use of funds. Wouldn’t it make more sense to support the orphanages directly, promote adoption agencies, or perhaps establish some form of scholarship?”
Pinkie Pie’s eyes narrowed. Slowly, she leaned in toward Rarity, stopping only when their muzzles bumped into each other. “Rarity.”
Rarity glanced around awkwardly. “Uhm...yes, dear?”
“You better want foals to have birthday cakes, because if you don’t…”
“I-I assure you, Pinkie dearest,” Rarity stumbled, “I absolutely want those foals to have their birthday cakes!”
“Then great!” Pinkie chirped in her normally chipper tone, closing her eyes and smiling sincerely. “I can’t wait to see you tomorrow!”
The next morning, Rarity trotted into the center of town looking even more fashionable than usual. In addition to having applied lip gloss and a sparkly covering to her eyeshadow, she was also sporting a particularly sleek pair of sunglasses.
“RAAAAAAAARITTYYYYYYYYYYYYY!” Pinkie Pie screeched from the other side of the public square. “OVER HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRREEEEEEEEE!”
Rarity cringed slightly at the cacophony. “Alright, darling, I’m coming,” she called back to Pinkie.
“Ooooohh, I’m so glad you decided to help me out!” Pinkie Pie gushed as Rarity approached. “We’re gonna have soooo much fun!”
“And it’s all for a good cause!” Rarity replied, beaming.
“So, we’re selling kisses for five bits and hugs for one,” Pinkie explained. “That way little foals and married couples can donate, too!”
“Sounds simply divine,” Rarity sighed, pulling out a cushion from her saddlebags and wiggling her backside down onto her designated folding chair demurely.
“It’s going really well, too! I’ve only been open fifteen minutes and I made fifty bits!”
“Ohoho,” Rarity chuckled, applying some lip gloss with her magic. “Sounds like I’ll be kissing plenty of stallions today!”
“Hey Twilight,” Spike called, sticking his head into the library of Ponyville’s castle. “I finished archiving those documents in the vault, so I’m gonna head out now to pick up some gem cakes. Do you and Starlight need anything?”
Twilight craned her neck around from her desk and smiled at her young assistant. “Actually, yes! Starlight and I are hard at work designing next semester’s baseline friendship curriculum, and we could use some new quills and ink.”
Starlight snored once and kicked up a leg in her sleep.
“One pony working hard, and one hardly working,” Spike sing-songed to himself as he rolled his eyes, turned and headed out the front door of the castle. “Gotta buy some quills, I’m off to go searching…”
“One kiss will be five bits,” Pinkie chirped happily, beaming at the silver stallion in front of her.
“U-uhm, okay,” the stallion stuttered, eagerly shuffling a hoof through his bags to produce the required currency.
No sooner had he slapped them down on the table than Pinkie Pie leapt over the wooden counter she had haphazardly crafted and into the stallion, wrapping her front legs around his neck and pressing her lips into his before he could even hit the ground.
“Mmmmmmmmmmmmwah!” Pinkie hummed into him before breaking the kiss with an audible smack. “That was fun!”
The stallion laid on his back on the dirt path, panting slightly. “C-could I pay for another? M-maybe without the tackling, this time?”
“Sure!” Pinkie Pie squealed. “But you’ll have to wait your turn in line first!” she pointed back to the four antsy-looking stallions behind him.
“Aww, okay,” he grumbled, ears against his head as he rose to his hooves and trudged to the end of the line.
Pinkie returned to her seat and wiggled happily as a new stallion approached timidly.
Rarity ran her tongue over her lips to moisten them. The past three stallions had all wanted to kiss Pinkie Pie, but she was certain that would change quickly.
“H-hi Pinkie Pie,” the stallion Lucky stuttered, placing some bits on top of the stand. “C-can I get a kiss?”
“Sure you can!” Pinkie Pie chirped with her trademark beaming smile. “Buuuuuuut, are you sure you don’t wanna kiss Rarity?” Reaching over with a hoof, Pinkie Pie pulled her friend’s head over to her side of the booth. “She’s very kissable!” Pinkie sold, squishing one of Rarity’s cheeks with a hoof.
Lucky’s ears flopped to the side of his head, and he squeezed his eyes together as if in pain. “Uhhh,” he groaned, biting his lip and looking back and forth between Rarity and Pinkie Pie. “N-no...That’s okay.”
Rarity let out an inadvertent huff and crossed her front hooves as Pinkie Pie released her and leaned over the front of the booth to kiss Lucky. Glaring down the line of stallions, she allowed her gaze to wander over the streets of Ponyville.
Suddenly, Rarity gasped and ducked under the booth.
“Mwah!” Pinkie Pie smacked as she released Lucky from the long kiss. “Thanks so much for supporting orphaned foals!”
As Lucky stumbled away, Pinkie looked over. “Hey Rarity, why are you hiding under the table!?”
“Pinkie, shush, please!” Rarity hissed. “Spike is over there and I don’t want him seeing me.”
Pinkie Pie peeked over the edge of the booth and let out a happy gasp. “HI SPIKE!” she called at the little dragon, who was marching along chewing on some food. “OVER HERE!”
Rarity bit her lip and sneered at Pinkie as she lowered her head to speak to Rarity again.
“Why don’t you wanna talk to Spike!?” Pinkie not-so-surreptitiously whispered back. “He’s our friend!”
“Because he likes me and is going to try and kiss me,” Rarity bit back.
“So? Isn’t that, like, why you came?”
“I suppose,” Rarity replied, squirming slightly. “But not with him. I don’t want to deal with that right now! Just...just deal with him!”
Pinkie Pie shrugged. “Alright,” she said. Popping back to an upright seating position, she smiled and waved at her approaching friend. “Hi Spike! Come up to the front of the line!”
“Hey!” objected a dark gray royal guard who was probably not supposed to be standing in line for a kissing booth.
“When you save the Crystal Empire you can cut to the front of the line too,” Pinkie Pie quickly answered, decimating all resistance within the line to the arrival of the interloper.
“Whatcha got going on here, Pinkie?” asked Spike, tossing a small gem-containing scone into his mouth.
“We’re running a kissing booth as a charity for orphaned foals!” she chirped back happily. Her eyelids lowered enticingly at Spike as she wiggled her eyebrows. “Wanna take part?”
“Uhhh…” Spike thought out loud, chewing on his scone. “Yeah, I guess if it’s not too expensive.”
“Five bits! You have five bits for the foals, don’t you Spike?”
Spike smiled and rolled his eyes. “Alright Pinkie, you sold me.” Rummaging around for five bits, he placed them on the table, prompting Pinkie Pie to give him a quick peck on the lips.
Pinkie Pie giggled and snorted a few times. “Your fangs feel funny to kiss!”
“Alright, well, thanks for the distraction,” Spike groaned, leaning backward and cracking his back. “I’ve got to go pick up a box of quills for Twilight.”
Pinkie Pie stood on her seat and waved at him as he trudged away. “Goodbye Spike! Thanks for helping the charity!”
“Goodbye Pinkie!” He waved over his shoulder. “See you later, Rarity!”
Rarity yelped and hit her head on the underside of the booth’s platform. “O-oh, uh, Spike dear, I’m so sorry I didn’t see you I...I was looking for my, uh, brooch!”
“Oh,” Spike said, turning around and scratching his head. “I wondered why you didn’t say hi. Did you find it?”
“Find what?”
Spike furrowed his brow. “Your brooch?”
Rarity’s eyes lit up. “Oh! No, I’m, uh, still looking!” she ducked down again.
“Alright, well, good luck,” Spike nonchalantly tacked on before going on his merry way again.
“Wow, Rarity, Spike is even cooler than usual today!” Pinkie Pie commented. “And he didn’t want to kiss you at all!”
Rarity pursed her lips and softened her expression as she brushed blades of grass off of her back legs. “Yes, what...good news…”
Twilight Sparkle cringed as she watched the last flames flicker out of existence, leaving behind a charred lump of carbon where there had once been a couch.
Starlight Glimmer sighed and patted Twilight on the withers. “Well, now we know not to do that as part of the friendship curriculum.”
Twilight’s ears fell and she sighed. “Yeah...and now we need a new couch.”
“Maybe you can catch Spike in town,” Starlight suggested. “He’s already on his way to buy you quills, I’m sure he can get a sofa on backorder from Davenport while he’s there.”
“Alright, fresh air will be nice for me anyway,” Twilight groaned as she headed out the library door. She stopped and timidly looked over her shoulder at Starlight. “Can you, uh…”
Starlight held up a hoof to cut Twilight off. “You got it, I’ll make sure this thing is out of here by the time you get back. There might still be some ash stains on the carpet though.”
Pinkie Pie finished kissing another stallion and cast a worried glance over at Rarity.
The normally composed designer’s hooves ran in continuous circles over the sides of her head, frizzing up her mane. She was hunched disturbingly over the surface of the booth and seemed to be muttering to herself incoherently.
“Hey, Rarity...Are you alright?”
“...the lip gloss...too little too late...apathy is death…”
“Raaaaaarity…” Pinkie called into the void, reaching out gently with a hoof to prod at her friend.
Almost instantly, Rarity’s head jerked to the side to look at Pinkie. “Pinkie dearest,” she began, her muzzle twitching sporadically and her eyes filled with a sparkling determination. “This may seem like a silly question, and I’m certain you haven’t noticed, but did you know not a single pony has come to kiss me all day?”
Pinkie Pie nodded while wearing an obliviously happy smile. “Yeah, I know, it’s super weird! I thought everypony would want to have your tongue shoved in their mouth, but instead they’ve been avoiding you like the plague!”
Rarity’s smile became even more forced as her right eye began to twitch. “Oh, so you have noticed…”
“Don’t worry Rarity! I know you’re super involved in this charity and want to help the foals get their birthday cakes just as much as I do! So, how about we do this?” Pinkie Pie pulled a megaphone out from under her seat and leapt on top of the booth. “EXCUSE ME EVERYPONY!” she addressed the line, unleashing a wave of sonic devastation that caused dozens of ponies to recoil and cover their ears. “IT APPEARS THAT THIS LINE HAS BEEN INEFFICIENTLY DESIGNED! SO, ANYPONY THAT WANTS TO KISS MY SUPER HOT FRIEND RARITY CAN LINE UP OVER THERE!” Pinkie Pie lowered the megaphone to observe the results of her prodding.
A single zebra, clearly from out of town, glanced around for a moment before taking two steps out of line. He was quickly pulled back into the primary line by his tail, where the pony behind him surreptitiously drew his hoof across his throat in a friendly warning.
“YOU!” Rarity cried, pointing an accusatory hoof at the pony who had warned the line-changer. “WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING!? I SAW THAT!”
“Rarity!” Twilight’s voice immediately cut in as she approached. “What on earth are you yelling about!?”
“Hi Twilight!” Pinkie Pie cut in. “We’re having the kissing booth charity event I was telling you all about! In fact…” She pulled the megaphone out again. “DOES ANYPONY WANT TO KISS A PRINCESS FOR TEN BITS!?”
Practically the entire line cheered and many dozens of stallions raised their hooves.
“Pinkie!” scolded Twilight. “For the last time, I’m not going to expose myself to the Epstein-Barrel virus just so some orphaned foals can get birthday cakes! I already established half a dozen scholarships for them!”
“Awww…” Pinkie Pie lamented, her mane deflating as she slowly raised her megaphone again. “NEVERMIND…”
The line of anxious ponies deteriorated into angry grumbling.
Twilight blinked a few times as she took in Rarity’s appearance. “Wow, Rarity, you look, uh...frazzled?”
“I am fine, thank you for asking, Twilight,” Rarity huffed as she began frantically scratching her neck.
“Okay, I can tell that I want to get out of this situation as quickly as possible, so I’ll just ask: have either of you seen Spike? I’ve got to find him and tell him to place an order for...uh, some unexpected supplies.”
“Oh! Oh! He was just here like an hour ago!” Pinkie answered, waving a hoof back and forth in the air. “He said he was going to pick up your quills!”
“An hour? He’s probably already done then,” Twilight concluded, defeated. “Which means he’s either back at the castle, or out with Big Mac, or at the comic book store. I'll find him later. Alright, well, thanks for the help girls. Good luck with, uh… this,” she finished, gesturing vaguely to the booth setup with a hoof.
“Thanks Twilight. Next!” Pinkie called.
As Twilight walked back toward the castle, a light green stallion standing in line waved her down. “Excuse me, Princess Twilight?”
“No, I will not kiss you for ten bits,” Twilight dismissed quickly.
“Oh no, it’s not that,” he responded. “I just wanted to see if you could convey a message to Spike for me?”
Twilight blinked a few times. “Oh, okay, sure. Sorry about being suspicious, it’s in my nature.”
“That’s okay,” the stallion waved off, offering her a friendly grin. “It’s in everypony’s nature to be a bit suspicious in weird situations like this. Anyway, if you could just tell Spike that I received his message and that my friends and I are doing what he commanded and keeping our distance from the target, that would be great. He’ll know what it means.” As if that ended the conversation, he turned his attention back to chatting with the stallion in front of him.
Twilight narrowed her eyes suspiciously. “Okay…”
A series of hushed whispers from those in line marked her departure from the town square.
“Well, it’s almost quitting time,” Pinkie Pie chirped as she looked into the bit box. “Wow, we’re doing so great! We’ll be able to make birthday cakes for every orphan in Equestria!”
Rarity’s attention was flipping all over her field of view, as if she was searching for someone. Every several seconds, she let out a twitchy snort. “Yes yes, how good for you, Pinkie,” she dismissed, rubbing her foreleg anxiously. “Perhaps next year a- YOU! OVER THERE!”
A stallion in the midst of walking across the town square froze in place. “U-uh, y-yes?” he stumbled, slowly turning around to face the kissing booth on the other end of the plaza.
“Why don’t you come over here and KISS ME!?” Rarity barked. “It’s for a GOOD CAUSE! You don’t HATE ORPHANED FOALS, DO YOU?”
“I know what happened to Thunderlane!” screeched the stallion, who began to slowly back up. “Stay away from me!”
“I said GET OVER HERE!” commanded Rarity, a frightening edge of single-minded determination to her voice.
That broke the stallion, who merely screamed, dropped his groceries, and sprinted away.
Before Rarity could get up to chase him, she was pinned to her chair by Pinkie Pie, who had taken the liberty of seating herself on Rarity’s lap. “Don’t worry Rarity, if you want a kiss, I’ll give you one!” She proceeded to lay a big kiss on Rarity’s cheek. “No need to thank me, that’s what friends are for!”
“That doesn’t count!” Rarity protested, flailing her hooves and shoving Pinkie off of her and onto the ground.
Pinkie Pie rubbed her head and sat up. “Well, Sweetie Belle paid you for a hug earlier. Between her and I, aren’t we enough?”
“That doesn’t count either!” Rarity began to sob, tears welling up in her eyes.
“Geez, you must have really high standards,” Pinkie Pie mused, standing up. “Oh, hey again, Spike!”
Upon the mention of the little dragon’s name, Rarity’s ears perked up and adjusted as if she had picked up the trail of some prey. Immediately, she wiped the tears from her eyes and exploded out of her chair. “Spike!? Where is he!?”
“Over there,” Pinkie pointed out happily.
“Hey girls,” Spike waved from the steps of town hall, munching on an apple.
Rarity scrambled around the kissing booth, knocking her chair down in the process. Speed-walking as quickly as she could across the plaza, she made a beeline for Spike. “Spikey-Wikey, darling, you have no idea how good it is to see you.”
Spike threw his apple core into a nearby trash can. “Nice to see you too, Rarity. Are you alright? You look a little…”
“Frazzled!?” she guessed loudly.
Spike snapped a claw. “Yeah, that’s the word.”
“It’s been a bit of a rough day, but there is no time for that now,” Rarity quickly sputtered. “We are, uh, running out of time in our charity event, yes! And it is of the utmost importance that you donate again, now!”
“Aw gee, Rarity, I would but I’ve only got a few bits, and-”
“Nevermind that, I’ll cover the donation for you!”
Spike beamed back at Rarity. “Gee, paying for me to donate? You really are generosity embodied!”
“Yes yes, I am truly a paragon of virtue,” Rarity dismissed. “Now for your kiss!”
Spike grinned. “Oh, right, I almo-”
Rarity pressed her lips into Spike’s, silencing him. Almost immediately, she parted her lips to lock against his, and she sucked gently on his bottom lip.
Spike merely wrapped his arms around Rarity’s neck, grunting weakly as she pressed him down hard against the wooden stairs of the town hall and ran her tongue across his lips, begging for entrance.
“Rarity?” Pinkie Pie called from back at the booth.
“Oh Spike,” moaned Rarity before she pressed her tongue forward into his mouth and let his wrap around it. Slowly, her hoof traveled down to smack his rear.
“Raaaaaarity!?”
The passionate kiss continued to deepen, mostly from Rarity’s end, wet smacking sounds accompanying the rather public display.
“RARITY!” Pinkie Pie cried from the megaphone, causing the assailant to break the wet kiss and jolt away from Spike. “THIS IS A FAMILY-FRIENDLY EVENT!”
Rarity cleared her throat and wiped some spit away from the sides of her mouth. “Yes, yes, of course. Coming, darling!” She turned back to Spike and offered him a sincere smile of relief. “Thank you, my Spikey-Wikey, ta-ta!”
“Bye,” he offered, before allowing himself a cocky grin. “Nice.”
Rarity smoothed her mane with a hoof as she retreated back to the booth, and upon arriving her countenance was already noticeably improved. “Well, Pinkie, thank you for the opportunity. This has been an absolutely exhausting day for me, so, I am going to bed.” Turning tail, she walked away with an air of confidence, her head held high.
“GOODBYE!” Pinkie Pie called, still using her megaphone.
“Twilight, I’m home, and I've got your quills with me,” Spike sing-songed, whistling as he crossed the threshold into Ponyville Castle.
“Spike…” Twilight called from the other room.
Spike groaned. That was her ‘lecturing voice’. “Coming…”
Twilight frowned deeply as Spike entered the library. “Spike, would you mind explaining to me why stallions have been asking me to convey cryptic messages to you all day about ‘targets’ and ‘obeying your orders’? One even made me promise to make sure you didn’t shoot fire up his butt!”
“Oh, that?” Spike let out an awkward laugh and scratched the back of his head with a claw. “It’s just guy stuff, Twi.”
“Oh? What about this letter that Thunderlane dropped off five minutes ago?” Twilight asked, dumping a thin manila package on the table with her magic. A series of clanging noises rang out. “It has ‘TRIBUTE’ written on the front of it in what appears to be blood, and is filled with bits and hunks of precious metal along with a note that just says ‘sorry’ 682 times!”
“Like I said,” Spike continued, sticking to his guns. “Guy stuff. Maybe if you had read that compendium of Ogres and Oubliettes lore that I got you for Hearth’s Warming, you would understand.”
Twilight blushed and pawed at the floor of the library with a hoof. “I-I’m getting to it, okay? I have a long reading list…”
“And what in Equestria happened to the couch in here!?” Spike projected, gesturing angrily to the burned silhouette of the now-removed library sofa.
“That’s- well, you see, the thing about that is-”
Spike put a claw to his forehead. “You know what Twilight? I can’t deal with this right now.” Backpedaling quickly, he left the library, calling over his shoulder, “We’ll talk about this tomorrow!”
He began hopping up the stairs, unable to believe his good fortune in escaping Twilight’s suspicion. He began humming as he walked down the hallway toward his room. Just a few more feet, and he would be safe.
A door opened immediately in front of him, and Starlight slid out into the hallway and blocked his path.
“Hey there, sport,” she greeted, regarding Spike with a knowing and vaguely amused expression as he skidded to a halt in front of her. “How was your kiss with Rarity?”
“I...what? H-how did-”
“Besides that goofy smile on your face, the smell of her perfume all over you, her eyeshadow staining your face, and Twilight’s account of her strange interactions with Pinkie and Rarity today? Oh, just a hunch.”
Spike drew himself up to his full, diminutive height and brushed himself off. “It was great, actually. Now, if you’ll excuse me-”
“Not so fast,” Starlight interjected, placing a hoof on his chest. “You gonna tell me what all those weird messages from stallions were about?”
“Oh man, not you too,” Spike groaned. “Look, it was an Ogres and Oubliettes thing, alright? Guy stuff!”
“Are you sure that’s all it was?” Starlight asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Yes!”
“Oh, good,” she cooed. “Because if I had to guess, I’d say that you caught wind of Pinkie’s kissing booth earlier than the rest of us, made some sort of violent example out of Thunderlane, the last stallion to have any significant contact with Rarity, used that to bully the entire town into avoiding kissing Rarity, knowing that it would undermine her fragile ego about her own romantic self-worth, and then used the little scenario you built for yourself to get Rarity to make out with you.”
Spike inhaled and held up a claw in objection, but his body shrunk back as the assault of Starlight’s logic stormed every one of his prepared defenses. “No, I...Well...Yeah, that’s actually exactly what happened.”
Starlight narrowed her eyes at her dragon friend. “Spike, I know how much you love Rarity, but this plan was manipulative, devious, and self-serving.”
Spike hung his head in shame. “I know…”
He was startled as Starlight pulled him into a tight hug.
“I am so proud of you!” she praised, nuzzling the top of his head.
Author's Note
"Cakes for Kids" was based off of "Kegs for Kids", a yearly charity event at my old college that was shut down by the administration for promoting 'underage drinking', as if that was worse than not helping the kids. (I forgot what they were helping the kids with).
Bonus points if you can nail the reference to the greatest video game of all time hidden in the text. (It sticks out like a sore thumb from the text but the reference itself is pretty cryptic :3)
Also, this story contains brief-description-only Cameos of the OCs of Cloudy Arrow and Double R Forrest.
