The Pie Fight

by Authora97

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Second Person, Rainbow Dash, Original Character, Comedy, Horror, Profanity, Random, Violence, Thorax, DJ P0N-3, Human, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 2649

You only wanted Morgan to get out of bed.

You only wanted Morgan to get out of bed.
Crack!fic
Me and djmegamouth came up with this in a chat and it was just as dumb in the chat as on paper.

Published 2019-02-11 03:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-02-11 03:30:01 UTC

2nd Person Narrative

You were, frankly, quite tired of this.

Your best friend (though you were reluctant to admit that) was still in bed. Now that wasn’t okay, because she had things to do and they needed to be done now. She had been in this bed for two days, as reported to you by Thorax and Lilac. As her sister would only encourage Morgan’s unhealthy antics, it was up to you to convince her.

Everyone would admit you were Morgan’s closest friend, despite your wishes that you weren’t. You could still remember when you met her, how disrespectful Morgan had been and without tact. She cared little for the opinions of others, instead choosing to follow her own ideas. She refused to answer questions, even the most basic. She seemed to only care about her own dragon, while everything else was moot.

Now that you had become friends, the only thing that really changed was that she cared about your opinion...so she could ignore it.

Morgan always seemed to be lazing about on a couch, or sitting sideways in a chair, or even rollerskating to places instead of walking. If she could do it, she’d use magic to collect her items.

She was lazy.

Which, as a princess to a whole planet, wouldn’t do.

You walked into her bedroom. She was snuggled under her sheets, staring blankly at the wall.

“Morgan, you have to get out of bed and eat.” You stated. You gave her your best judging face.

The human Traveler princess hummed. “Twilight no I don’t.” She gave you what was referred to by Darcy as a ‘shit eating grin’.

“You’ve been here two days.” You pointed out.

Morgan hummed, turning over. “Going for a record four.” She replied. She let out a content sigh.

Your left eye twitched.

“Too bad.” You argued. Your hands lit up in your purple magic. “Get up. You’ve been there long enough!”

Morgan gasped in shock. Your magic had lifted her out of the bed.

“What the fuck are you doing?!” She yelped.

“Get out of bed!” You snapped.

You dragged her towards the bedroom door.

Unfortunately, you neglected to take into account that you stood near the door.

And that Morgan had magic of her own.

And, that she was flailing her legs about to avoid being dragged away.

And that-when she chose- Morgan could be a force all her own.

Morgan kicked you in the face. You yelled in pain.

When you looked back to her, after making sure you weren’t damaged or anything of the sort, you saw she had put herself back in bed. She was sitting up on the bed, TV remote in hand.

“Now, do I want a show or a movie?” She mused to herself.

You growled in annoyance. Your hands lit up in magic.

“Twilight, as you BTFWYDWAATF, I suggest you stop.”

“...what the hay does that mean?”

“Best Traveler Friend That You Don’t Want As A Traveler Friend’.” Morgan translated. She smirked at you.

“Ah...still no.”

“Pity.”

“Either you get out of bed, or I get Darcy and Lilac to do it.”

Morgan snorted. “You wouldn’t. I’m calling your bluff.” She continued to scroll through her TV options.

You smirked.

She sighed. “Authordammit.”

You took a deep breath. “KILLJOY, LILAC PLAN A HAS FAILED! COMMENCE PLAN B!”

“HEY MOM!” Lilac ran up from behind you, jumping on her mother’s bed to give her a hug.

“SH-UGAR HONEY ICE TEA!” Morgan yelped, catching the swear. “Don’t do that!”

A gunshot went off. “Wakey, wakey, sister of mine!”

“THIS IS WHY MOM DOESN’T FUCKING LOVE YOU!” Morgan snapped at her sister, who had appeared from the closet, holding a shotgun.

Darcy laughed. “Nah, that’s because she’s dead.”

Lilac curled at her mother’s side. “Mom just make her stop. Please?”

Morgan huffed. “Twilight, first, that was a vine reference. I’ll show you more of those later. Darcy, shut up. Lilac, be a good kid and bring food.”

“Yes ma’am!” Lilac cheered.

She jumped out of the bed, running past you. You were pretty sure your mind had exploded from the loud dramatic entrance to Darcy. She was only supposed to walk up behind you, not fire a gun in the house.

“I’m not gonna stop until you get out of bed.” She put the shotgun down beside the closet door. “Also bring a pie!”

“Fuck yeah!” Morgan cheered.

“No!” You scolded, because Darcy wasn’t supposed to help Morgan.

Darcy grinned. “I have an idea.”

“Fuck no!” Morgan yelped.

“No!” You scolded, because why had you recruited Darcy to help again?

“Yay pie!” Lilac announced her return. She showed off an apple pie to her mother.

“Give me the pie.” Darcy instructed. Lilac handed her aunt the pie, apparently not seeing her aunt’s grin. “One for me, one for her.” Darcy grinned, ominous.

“This was a bad idea.” You murmured.

“Don’t you dare.” Morgan warned Darcy.

Darcy threw the pie at Morgan.

It landed with a splash on Morgan’s face.

“Why didn’t you dodge?!” You asked.

Morgan blinked, wiping the pie off her face enough so she could see. “I would be so mad...” She licked the pie off her fingers. “...if this pie wasn’t so nice.”

“It’s all over your bed!” You complained. You walked up to it. The pie had mostly landed on Morgan’s front, with some splatters on the sheets to her side.

You saw Darcy grab the second pie that Lilac must’ve hidden behind her back.

You ducked.

“Get me more ammo.” She instructed her niece. Lilac ran away.

Morgan laughed, wiping off more pie onto her finger to lick it off. “Do that again, sister, and I take away your toys.”

“...sex toys, or weapon toys?” Darcy asked, sounding curious.

“Both.” Morgan answered. “The Queen giveth, the Queen taketh away.”

Darcy was conflicted by that. She looked from the pie, to her sister, and to the pie again.

“Nah this is worth it.”

She threw the second pie.

“Fu-”

You grabbed the pie with your magic, right before it could hit Morgan’s face.

Morgan let out a sigh of relief. “Thanks, Twilight. Take that Darcy!” She laughed.

You looked at the pie, then Morgan still lying in bed. You moved the pie over her head.

“Twi- Twi.” Morgan’s eyes darted up to the pie. “Her head is that way.”

“I know.”

You dropped the pie on her head.

Morgan’s jaw dropped.

Darcy laughed.

“It’s in my hair now.” Morgan deadpanned. She glared your direction. “Now I’m mad.”

You swallowed. “Ju-just get out of bed, Morgan.”

“No.” She clicked her fingers, her Reality bending bracelet glowing.

A lot of pies appeared overhead.

You and Darcy dropped your jaws.

“Die bitches.” Morgan stated. She moved her hands like finger pistols.

“TAKE COVER!” Darcy dived back into the closet.

You ran, ignoring the many pies pelting your back.

You ran to the kitchen. Lilac was hiding there, her younger sister Cookie with her.

“Are Auntie and Mommy doing war?” Cookie asked.

You could hear the sounds of pies being fired, hear Darcy’s yells of pain along with Morgan’s screams of outrage. “Yes.” You answered Cookie. “Come on, girls, I have an idea.”

You teleported them away.

==TPF==

Once you came back to the house, you just knew there would be utter carnage inside.

You held up a hoof, blocking Vinyl Scratch from walking past.

“You don’t want to go inside.” You warned her.

The DJ just shrugged.

She floated a pair of magic noise cancelling headphones to you. You had explained this idea while in Ponyville (and to Tracy Strauss, who went along with anything if it got Morgan to do work, and to Lilac who was going to be psychologically harmed by the whole thing), and Vinyl signed on before you got beyond “need your bass cannon”.

You aimed a hoof at the house. “FIRE!”

The DJ popped on her own set of headphones, activating her bass cannon.

It destroyed the house.

Though not the occupants.

When the music stopped Darcy fell to the ground. She landed in a pile of destroyed pastry. Apparently somewhere in the fight they had used cupcakes and brownies.

Morgan as well fell-

You were enraged.

Somehow, her bed had survived this utter carnage.

“My fucking house!” Morgan complained. She glared your direction, dropping her jaw at the sight. “Hey Vinyl.”

The DJ nodded to her.

“Bass cannon?” Darcy mused.

The DJ nodded.

Darcy nodded back, proud. “Nice.” The DJ picked up her bass cannon, walking in the direction of the Center. Tracy knew how to get her back to Ponyville. “Later DJ!”

“You know it!” Vinyl boasted, laughing. “That was awesome! I’m telling Octavia all about it!”

“Meh, I can rebuild.” Morgan shrugged. She snuggled under the bedsheets. “And my bed survived. I’m outside. Everything worked out!”

Darcy chuckled. Though her expression was half dazed. “Yeah...guess it kinda did.”

“HOW ARE YOU STILL IN BED?!” You shouted. You weren’t sure if you were supposed to be surprised, or disappointed. Because of course that bed survived, it belonged to Morgan Spencer, the most incorrigible being in existence.

Morgan chuckled.

“So...where’s the house?” Thorax’s voice came from the side. All three of you turned to see him, standing there in his human form with groceries bags floating around his head. He walked to Morgan. “Did you do something?”

“Wouldn’t get out of bed.” Morgan admitted.

“Ah.” Thorax remarked. “You used the pie?”

“Desperate times, honey.” Morgan replied.

“But I just got the milk for them.” Thorax pouted.

“YOUR HOUSE IS DESTROYED!” You shouted. “HOW ARE YOU THREE ALWAYS SO CALM ABOUT THIS?!”

“So, what now?” Darcy asked.

“I rebuild, and we eat cake?” Morgan suggested.

You lose your mind.

Your magic grabs the bed. You flipped it over, trying to shake Morgan out of it.

Morgan’s magic countered your own. It flipped the bed back to rights. With Morgan clutching to the bedspread. She- along with Darcy and Thorax-were gawking at you.

You could feel the tips of your hair smoldering.

“You know, Thorax ever only puts this effort to get me in the bed.” Morgan joked.

Thorax winced. “Yeah but not for two days.”

Morgan and Darcy scoffed.

“Okay for two days but not like this.” Thorax corrected.

You were disgusted. Annoyed and disgusted.

So you brought out...the secret weapon.

“RAINBOW DASH!” You shouted to the heavens.

To the side, Thorax was sharing groceries with Lilac. They were watching the chaos unfold.

Rainbow Dash flew towards the house. She was flying really, really fast.

“OH SHIT!” Darcy yelled. She started to run. “ORBITAL FRIENDSHIP NUKE INCOMING!”

“FUCK!” Morgan yelled. She ducked under her covers.

==TPF==

In the aftermath, you dropped the shield you’d made over Thorax and Lilac.

Rainbow was sitting in a crater where the bed had been. She stood up, shaking ash from her mane. Darcy had jumped in with your shield.

Morgan...

Morgan was sitting on the couch.

You wanted to scream...except you were so tired, what was the point?

“Well.” Morgan nodded her head towards the crater. She saluted it. “The bed fought well.”

“I guess that’s technically mission complete.” You sighed. Lilac cheered behind you.

“No!” Darcy stood up. “It’s not over until I say it’s over!”

You heard her muttering a word. She popped away, in a shower of purple smoke.

You looked to Morgan, who had suddenly gone stiff. “If I leave the couch, will I live?”

“Where did she go?” You asked Morgan, feeling afraid yourself. You’d gotten a DJ with a bass cannon and Rainbow Dash to destroy the house. You knew nopony would get hurt. With Darcy, there was no telling.

“Where did she come from, cotton eyed joe?” Morgan sang, laughing nervously. She’d been trying to get this awful feeling of foreboding out of the air. It didn’t work.

“She said something about fallout. Does that mean anything? Could she have gone somewhere about fallout?” You asked.

Morgan shrieked. “THORAX GET THE GIRLS AND RUN!” Morgan hopped off the couch, running away.

Thorax put a shield around you and Lilac.

Darcy appeared then with a-

WHAT IN CELESTIA’S NAME IS THAT?!

It was a monster of a creature. It stood so high, higher than their old house. It’s skin was dark grey- looking more like a bug’s carapace than actually skin. It has curved horns of its head.

“This is a Deathclaw.” Darcy cheered, waving her arm to it. ‘Well I guess that answers my question’ you think to yourself. “And he’s angry.”

“I GOT OUT OF BED!” Morgan yelled at her sister. “AND THE COUCH!”

“DON’T CARE!” Darcy yelled back. She smiled smugly at her sister.

Or she did, until the creature grabbed Darcy by the waist.

“WAIT SHIT THIS ISN’T WHAT I WANTED!”

Morgan ran over to the shield. Thorax dropped it enough for her to come in, covering Thorax’s eyes. Thorax covered your eyes with his hooves. Lilac’s too.

“Babe...” Thorax began.

“She’ll respawn later.” Morgan brushed off. “Probably. Keep their eyes covered.”

“Are you covering your eyes?” Thorax asked. Morgan didn’t get a chance to answer.

“Shit I know that look!” Darcy screamed.

You heard the disgusting sound of something being torn apart.

“AUTHOR DAMMIT OW!”

“Cool. Deadpool style.” Morgan complimented.

Thorax moved his hoof away from your eyes, as to cover his own mouth.

You could see what happened to Darcy now. You gasped, covering your mouth with your hooves to keep from puking.

She’d been torn in half, right across the waist. One half had been thrown on the remains on the house, the other being chewed up by the creature’s sharp teeth.

“Well...that went well.” Morgan remarked. She smirked knowingly. “And I’m only half lying.”

Darcy held up a middle finger. She coughed up blood onto her shirt.

“SHE’S STILL ALIVE?!” You yelled.

Morgan shrugged. “She’s a stubborn bugger.”

“Mom what happened to Auntie?” Lilac asked.

“Nothing, princess, just don’t open your eyes.” Morgan instructed. The creature growled as it had apparently finished the half of Darcy it had eaten.

“Morgan...” You warned, scared as it turned towards Thorax’s shield. “What do we do about that?”

Morgan pouted. “Can’t Darcy fix it?”

“She’s TORN IN-” You cut yourself off, remembering the young child at your left. “-NOT HEALTHY!”

Morgan groaned. Her hands glowed yellow. The creature was running toward the shield. “Put that thing back where it came from, or so help me.” She clicked her fingers. “Can we fix it? Yes we can!”

In two bright yellow flashes, you saw a lot of things happen. First the creature disappeared, in the nick of time as it had leapt at the shield. Second Morgan’s house rose up from the ashes (Darcy presumably inside, despite the fact that her blood was still on the road).

Thorax dropped the shield with a relieved sigh. “Come on, Lilac, your aunt is probably inside wondering if the pie is okay.”

Lilac cheered loudly. She leapt onto her father’s back, still cheering as Thorax took her inside.

You were left alone with Morgan.

“This really got out of hoof.” You complained, rubbing a sore spot on your skull in hopes it could reach your brain.

Morgan grinned- too wide to be honest but wide enough that you were scared.

“You should’ve let me sleep, Twilight.” She cautioned. And you suddenly felt like you’d been cursed.

You gulped.

“Just...one question.”

“Shoot.” Morgan’s scary grin changed to something friendly that you would expect on Pinkie Pie’s face.

“Where did your sister get that thing?” You asked.

Her smile dropped in neutral. “I pray to the gods you never find out.” Then she went to her house.

She was right.

You should’ve just let her sleep.

Author's Note

This took forever, but I finally finished it!
The creature is known as a Deathclaw, and it’s from Fallout Equestria. A friend recommended it. Thank you!