This Boob Wants Boobs. Heheheh.
*Some days,* thought Twilight Sparkle, *it doesn't pay to leave the lab.*
Largely at Sunset Shimmer's insistence, Twilight was taking a day off from Beanis, Inc. to do "normal things". This included shopping for some personal effects, browsing the bookstore, and—at the present moment—eating lunch at Big Beefy Buns, home of the Double BunBuster™.
She'd been enjoying her lunch until one of the more annoying satellites to orbit her solar system of friends plopped down unceremoniously across from her with a big cheesy grin and a tray full of quesadillas.
Brrrr.
Wiping some ketchup off her face with the bun of her burger, Twilight leveled a medium-strength Look Of Disinterest across the table. "I'm sorry, what was that?" she asked.
"Right, dig it, so I'm breakin' in this new Tofussy," Zephyr Breeze said around a mouthful of stringy yellow cheese (brrr), "and I'm like 'aww yeah, uhn, baby give it to me baby PLEASE!—"
"Don't—don't need the details," Twilight said, holding up a hand and motioning for him to get to the point. "Get to the point."
"Right, well, anyway," Zephyr said, "Tofussy's fine and all, nice shape of the ass, good for pounding, but it's missing one of the best things about a hot chick, you dig?"
Twilight gave him a half-lidded stare. "I have almost no male friends, every single one of my friends would statistically qualify as a 'hot chick' by most standards, and I invented and manufacture bean-based sex toys for women. I'm only just beginning to look into the pleasure-for-men end of the industry, and..." She pursed her lips. "Okay, actually, I just talked myself into caring about what you're saying." She picked up a napkin and wiped grease from her hands, wadding her burger wrapper up neatly on her tray and taking a long sip of her milkshake. "So, go ahead, what is it you want?"
"Titties!" Zephyr said loudly and brightly.
Twilight choked. "Um."
"You know, a nice big set of firm, round titties to play with when I'm hammerin' the old tofu tush," Zephyr added, making "fondling" gestures with his hands that caused Twilight to blush and remember she was in a very public and very not sex-oriented place.
"Okay," Twilight said calmly, glancing hastily around and thanking whatever deities might be listening that somehow nobody was paying any attention1. "I can see where there'd be an interest in that, but the engineering and logistics behind it could be...difficult. I mean, size and firmness and, umm...jiggle physics, I guess? All that aside, a set of fake breasts to use as sexual aids, they'd need some sort of support harness or...something. Something to mimic the sway and position of, you know, the real thing." She sipped her shake again. "I mean, I could probably come up with something like that, but to make it support the weight, position it just right, and be comfortable for the user?" She bit her lip thoughtfully. "I think it'd wind up being really expensive to make, so it'd probably be way outside your price range."
Zephyr's grin turned sleazy. "But I get special privileges, right? Since my big sis works for you and all? And since I gave you this hot idea?"
Twilight's lips thinned. "I'd consider letting you be a product tester. One time. When nobody else is around. Like, at all." She absently pulled a pencil from behind her ear and began doodling notes and figures on a napkin. "Hmm, there's a lot of variables to work on...would it be like, a blow-up doll situation? With mounts for the desired toys? Maybe a wireframe? Hmm, I guess the support harness could be a bra the user wears, maybe? Oh, but that'd be unsuited for female users...but why would a girl even need—"
Five photos slid in front of her, interrupting her train of thought.
"Right here," Zephyr said. "These are the sweet sweet tits I think about when I'm workin' my mojo."
Twilight's glasses slid down her nose.
"Um."
She picked one of the photos up by the corner, staring at it in disbelief.
She looked up at Zephyr, whose grin was pure sleaze, who had one eyebrow raised as if to say, 'ya dig?'
"Igottago," Twilight said in a rush, gathering up her things, shooting out of her chair, and bolting for the door.
1 Nobody was paying any attention because the only other customer in Big Beefy Buns at the moment was a college girl with earbuds in. Nobody with taste buds eats at Big Beefy Buns.
"How did—what—when—oooooh, that little—! When I get my hands on him—!"
Fluttershy angry was a terrifying thing to behold. Her friends backed away from her nervously, even as they agreed with her sentiments. None of them had been terribly happy when Twilight had slapped several pictures of Fluttershy's bare breasts down on the break room table and explained exactly where she got them from.
"That boy's always been rather...uncouth," Rarity said, "but this is beyond the pale."
"He seriously pervs on his own sister?" asked Flash from a respectful distance—that is to say, far enough away that he couldn't get a look at the photos.
"Evidently," Twilight said, repressing a shudder. "Oh god, I hope Shining Armor isn't like this about me. Brr."
"That little creep!" Rainbow snarled, smacking a fist into her palm. "I oughtta ram my dick up his ass until he screams soprano! And then make him squirt a kid out his dickhole, that'll show him!"
"Umm...that's far more biologically impossible than you having a dick and getting other girls pregnant," Sunset Shimmer said. "Also, everything you just said is bad and you should feel bad."
"He's not too bad with a camera though," Wallflower Blush said. "Umm, I mean, if he had to use his phone for this, presumably when Fluttershy was asleep, without waking her up..."
"Not helping," Fluttershy seethed; Wallflower jumped and hid behind Tempest.
"So...what are we going to do about this?" Tempest asked, cracking her neck menacingly.
"The Zephyr part? Leave that to Fluttershy," Sunset said. "He's her dipshit brother, it's her private business to deal with."
"Besides, I'm the only one who can talk to animals," Fluttershy added grimly. "And what I have in store for him? Is going to involve all the animals."
Everyone took a nervous step away from Fluttershy.
"What did he even bring you this shit for?" Rainbow asked.
"Oh! That's right," Twilight said, pushing her glasses up her nose. "I completely forgot about that." She coughed into her fist. "Actually, Zephyr Breeze gave me a good idea for a new product innovation, something I had completely overlooked. You know how we've been thinking about introducing products for male consumers? Well, Zephyr wanted me to make a set of bean breasts for him to fondle while he's using his Tofussy."
Everyone took a moment to digest this.
"I'm surprised you listened to him past the point where he mentioned owning a Tofussy," Sunset said.
"Yeah, well, there's nothing I can do about Tofussy now except one-up them," Twilight said tiredly. "And this...could be the thing to do it, except there's a whole host of logistics and engineering issues involved—"
"He wanted you to model them after my boobs?" Fluttershy asked.
"Umm...yeah," Twilight said. "I...can find a different model though, don't worry—"
"No, actually, I'm fine with that," Fluttershy said indifferently. "I mean, Rainbow Dash is the beanis model, Sunset Shimmer is the Cupcanus model, I don't mind being the model for these, umm...bean boobies?"
"We'll work on the name later." Twilight pursed her lips. "Are you sure?"
"Hm? Oh, absolutely," Fluttershy said. "I mean, I have the best pair here—no offense, girls, but it's true and you all know it."
Everyone looked at each other and shrugged. "Yeah," they all agreed.
Wallflower frowned. "So wait, we're just talking about a free-floating set of bean breasts that guys—or girls too, I suppose—can fondle while, erm, making use of a Tofussy or similar substitute?"
"That's the idea," Twilight said. "Though the engineering is going to be tricky. I mean, I don't know if it'll work best as a free-standing harness, or a bendable metal spine like a desk lamp, or a bra with bean boobs you wear, or..." She shrugged. "There's so many ways this could go, but all of them would be way too expensive for the end consumer. I mean, most guys would probably just go out and buy a blow-up doll or something..."
That comment hung in the air for a long moment. Then, unexpectedly, Flash spoke up.
"What about an entire girl made of beans?"
Everyone turned to stare at him. He took a step back. "Um..."
"No, go on," Twilight said.
Flash ducked his gaze, deliberately avoiding the disbelieving stare Sunset was giving him. "I mean, they've got those full-featured sex dolls out there, right? What about something like that but with all the Beanis...stuff? Like, you know, it gets wet like a real girl, stuff like that."
Twilight blinked. "That...could work," she said. "I mean, that'd be a really expensive and exclusive product, but..."
"Hey, yeah!" Rainbow said. "Then it'll have all the parts, not just, y'know, boobs or a butt or a pussy! I mean, you'd have the thighs, the toes, the lips, everything! Fingers...you could make it give you a sweet sweet handjob..." She closed her eyes; her pants bulged.
"We could work out customization options for the hair, face, and makeup," Wallflower suggested.
"Yeah...yeah!" Twilight said excitedly. "How about it, Fluttershy? If you still want to be the model, you could be the model for the entire doll, not just the chest!"
"As long as it doesn't have my face," Fluttershy said with a shrug.
"Perfect!" Twilight exclaimed cheerfully. "Come over to my lab, I need to measure everything and take some X-rays—"
"Actually, can it wait until, umm...Thursday maybe?" Fluttershy suggested. "I still need to deal with my pervert brother first."
"Oh. Um. Sure. Take your time. I'll just...start working on formulas and things," Twilight said.
"Oooh, formula!" Pinkie said. "You should totally make Butterbean's boobies squirt soy milk! You know, for guys with a lactation fetish!"
"That's a good id—'Butterbean'?"
"I like that," Flash said. "It's catchy. Butterbean."
"Yeah, Butterbean sounds like a chick you could totally bend over and rail for hours," Rainbow agreed.
"Oh...kay," Fluttershy said. "Let me go unleash the hell of a thousand fuzzy things on Zephyr Breeze, then I'll come back and let you turn me into a sex doll named Butterbean. And that sounded weird even for this place."
"Yes," Sunset said. "Yes it did."
Author's Note
RIP Anthony Bourdain, who's eaten more beans than anyone in the BCU has fucked.
