No Mann's Land

by FireheartThePone

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Adventure, Discord, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Other, Princess Luna, Team Fortress
Length: 2675

The Heavy. A man of power, of strength and might. What happens when this fighting yet thinking mountain ends up in a world like only one other?

A Team Fortress 2 fic. Because I'm in that kind of mood at the moment.

That's all there is to say, really.

Have fun. Or not.

By the way, in this story:
-Jungle Inferno just happened, and Grey Mann is dead for whatever reason, meaning the only MvM robots left are ones that went rouge. Helen (The Announcer) and Saxton Hale are both still alive. Will I use them? Who knows?
-A combination of the game's Heavy, the comics' Heavy, and my own headcanon that he's philosophical, and a thinker, as shown in the comics, but prefers to hide it under the 'brawn over brains' personality for his own reasons, is used.
-Tauntkills are a thing, as are Criticals.
-The two teams are clones of one another, but nobody's sure who's the originals, or if they're even still alive.

Published 2018-06-11 05:20:07 UTC
Last updated 2018-06-12 02:46:45 UTC

Mission Begins In...

“And you are sure this will work?” Mikhail, also known as Misha, best known as Heavy Weapons Guy, asked his friend and ally, Dell Conhager, the team’s Engineer.

“Yup.” Was the Texan’s response. He strode over to the machine he claimed could allow travel between dimensions standing before them; a massive teleporter, crackling with pink energy rather than it’s usual red, hooked up to a large metallic cylinder. Upon the sides were glass pods, inside which were items.

In one were a pair of Pyrovision Goggles. Another held a gas tank, like the one upon the Pyro’s back. Another contained a flamethrower, the next a fire axe, a flare gun, and a few other items. One appeared to be empty, until Dell explained that a Balloonicorn, a rare creature invisible to the naked eye, floated within. Inside the final pod was a book.

“Do ya’ll see the connection between the items? Excludin’ the book, o’ course.”

The other mercenaries cast puzzled looks at another, until ‘Doctor’ Ludwig, the team’s friendly homicidal Medic, spoke up.

“Zey are all related to Pyrovision.”

“Correct! Through dimensional studies, callin’ in a few favors, and help from Merasmus, Ah found out that literally everythin’ exists in an alternate universe. The Pyrovision Goggles act as windows to an alternate reality of ours, but with it’s unique twists. Ah’ve managed to configure this device, which normally would have thrown ya out into the space between dimensions, where ya’d cease to exist, to a universe similar t’ Pyroland. It’s not the same, but ya can expect to find the same silly things there.”

He walked over to the book, and tapped it.

“Now, this is a safety precaution. If we used the teleporter without it, ya could end up at the bottom of the ocean, in a volcano, or in space. This is a book on Narrative Causality. That means tha’ when ya teleport in, ya’ll appear in a way that makes sense accordin’ to the universe’s laws o’ physics. Now, that could still mean one of the things Ah mentioned, but it’s the best we got. Anyone wanna give it a try?”

Everyone looked nervous, before Heavy stepped up. “I will go.” At the others beginning to protest, he held up a hand. “I am strong, and tough. I can survive most things. And if the worst comes to the worst…” He curled his upraised hand into a gun shape, causing the other mercenaries to back away slowly.

“All right then, Heavy. Jus’ step onto the teleporter. Ya won’t be able to teleport back, unless the world has somethin’ tha’ allows tha’, but we can trace ya, and reconfig the teleporter to come get ya. We’ll come check on ya in… A month sound good?” At Heavy’s nod, he stood aside. The Russian man stepped onto the dais, and turned to look at his friends. Soldier gave a salute, and he returned it, before taking a step backwards into the unknown.

“Come on, come on!” Twilight Sparkle cried frustratedly. It was a short time after the group had returned from Starlight’s village, after the mare had escaped. To pass the time, Twilight had been practicing her summoning skills. Celestia had noticed, and given her a unique spell to try; the summoning circle had four large, blocked quarters, and in the centre were three icons, within circles of their own; a minotaur-like fist, with small triangles around it, giving it the impression it was punching through a wall, an unknown skull over twin crossed bones, and the last was blank. It was one of the summons that required an offering, but the offering was by far the oddest she had ever heard. A hat. Preferably a fancy hat, as that raised the chances of the spell working, and if it had an illusory effect on it it was almost certain to work. She currently had a large top hat sitting in the blank circle, enwreathed with false flames. She was pumping magic into the circle, straining herself. But nothing seemed to be happening. Just as she was about to give up, the circle suddenly shifted from it’s chalked white to a deep purple, and then to blood-red. Excited, her efforts redoubled, Twilight continued, before being blown off her hooves by a blinding flash of red light, accompanied by a buzzing whir. Slowly standing upright, she gaped at what she saw.

A large biped, similar to a minotaur, but with key differences. For one, it wore clothing all over it’s body, instead of just pants like a lot of minotaurs she had seen. Hanging from a shoulder and under the other arm, which was hanging limply, was a curious belt covered in cylinders. It had no horns or hooves, instead with a bald head and what her brain dimly remembered as feet. It had a red shirt underneath the belt, with the same fist symbol she had seen in the circle on it’s shoulders. Upon it’s hands were fingerless gloves, with a part cut out of the back of the hand. It had a curious, yet wise expression on it’s face, which quickly turned to one of pain as it grabbed it’s shoulder with a deep, decisively masculine grunt. It didn’t seem to have noticed her, or it’s surroundings, so she started with a shaky “Hello?”

The biped shot his head up, staring at her as his functioning hand instinctively raised into a fighting position. The two stared at each other for a few seconds, before the creature began to snicker. It quickly evolved into a hearty chuckle, then into a full-blown bellow of laughter. For whatever reason, Twilight began laughing too. They stayed like that for a short time, before calming. The creature stuck out a hand in what was probably his version of a hoofshake. When Twilight took it, he confirmed that suspicion with a powerful shake that left Twilight staggering.

“It is good to meet you. I am Mikhail, or Misha, but my friends know me as Heavy.” He proclaimed, in a clearly Rushern accent.

“It’s nice to meet you too, Misha. I’m Twilight Sparkle, but my friends just call me Twilight.” She responded. She had summoned him, so he shouldn’t attack her, but there were tales of summoned creatures being strong enough to break the magical bond. Besides, he was being polite. Why wouldn’t she respond in turn? He nodded, then winced in pain as his limp shoulder moved.

“Are you alright?” She asked, taking a concerned step forward.

“Yes, yes, I am fine. Just a dislocated shoulder.” And before she could do anything, he gripped his arm and forcefully shoved it back into it’s socket. But he didn’t yell out in pain. He just gritted his teeth and hissed, with the precision of someone who had done this sort of thing many times before. And now that she had a closer look, Twilight could see scars, bruises, scrapes. Whoever Heavy was, he had been in a lot of fights. He looked down at her, and she realized just how tall he was compared to her. If the summoner’s bond wouldn’t hold him, he could easily crush her like a bug.

But then his face softened, and she could see kindness in his eyes.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.

Author's Note

So.
Uh.
This happened.

I Am Heavy Weapons Guy

The twin beings spun, to stare at a shocked Spike, who was carrying a plate of cookies. Heavy blinked, before taking a slow step forward.
The dragon, in turn, took a step backwards, and looked ready to run, until Twilight spoke up.
“Spike, this is… would you prefer Misha or Heavy?” The alicorn asked, turning to the mountain of a man.
“I do not mind, but most know me as Heavy. I am used to people using that as my name.”
“All right. Spike, this is Heavy. I managed to summon him by accident.” At this, the mercenary looked down at his feet, noticed the circle, and gave a soft chuckle before looking back at the fire lizard. “He won’t hurt you. Will you?”
“No, I will not, if he is your friend. Though, you may need to be careful with introducing me to beings of blue coloration.” At the others’ odd looks, he explained. “Where I come from, fighting is essentially my job. Those I fight wear a blue uniform, as a contrast to my red, and it has become an instinctive reaction for me.”
“You’re a soldier?” Spike asked, speaking for the first time.
“No, that title belongs to my ally and friend. I and the rest of my team are mercenaries.” He responded.

“So, where do you come from? I don’t recognize your species, and you certainly don’t seem like a demon, so that rules out most of the options.” Twilight inquired.
“I am a human, and according to Engineer, an entirely different universe.” As Spike and Sparkle drew breath to exclaim, he held up a hand and continued. “And I suppose you could call some of the powers I have demonic.” He balled his upright hand into a fist, and red lightning bounced around it suddenly, giving it the appearance of glowing. The purple aliens gasped, and as he released his grip and the energy faded, Twilight was already talking. “What was that?!”

“We call it Critica. It’s formed by the unique magical energies contained within our weapons rapidly ionizing the air, and the electrons stripped away hitting other, previously ionized atoms, allowing them to fuse and immediately re-ionize. Normally we need a catalyst, like the Kritzkrieg, but it seems the ambient magic field of this world acts as an automatic catalyst, to be used when needed.” He explained. Spike was lost, but Twilight was taking mental notes at light-speed.
“Th-th-that’s incredible! What effect does it cause?”
“It increases their ability thrice over.” Heavy replied, lowering his hand. “I would like to meet your friends, perhaps?” Twilight blinked, then shook her head.
“Maybe we should tell Princess Celestia about you first?” At Heavy’s responsive nod, she lit up her horn, levitating a nearby notepad over, earning her a curious look from Heavy, scribbled out a note, and gave it to Spike to send off, which he did.

Almost as soon as the last wisps of flame vanished, a burst of golden light erupted in the middle of the room, and as it faded a white alicorn was left in it’s place, horn still glowing. Upon seeing Heavy, she lowered her horn at him in a battle-ready stance, to the confusion of the others.
“What are you doing here, human?” She asked, in a low, almost hissing voice. The big man dropped his hands to his sides, and faint wisps of Critica began forming.
“I came here as an experiment being performed by my friend. I manifested as a summon by Twilight Sparkle.” He replied calmly. Celestia didn’t move.
“And what was this experiment?” She asked.
“We were attempting to see if interdimensional travel was possible. If you have had negative past reactions with humans, remember that I am not they. I did not even know your world existed until less than half an hour ago.” He answered.
Celestia relaxed, and raised her head away from the threatening position, but her magic glow didn’t fade and her wings didn’t drop. Heavy released the lightning in his fingertips.

“Very well. I have met two different kinds of human before. One kind were space travellers, and a great battle ensued. The other were kinder, but you look more akin to the first. Shall we try and start over?” Heavy nodded.
“Yes. I am Mikhail, or Misha, but I am more accustomed to Heavy. And while I am a fighter, I have no ill intent towards you or your people.” He said, with a respectful nod. She returned it.
“I am Princess Celestia, also known as the Solar Diarch. I care much for this land, and am willing to go to great measures to protect it, even if they fall on the far side of morality.” She stated.
“That is good. A ruler should be prepared to do what is wrong, as long as it does not become a habit.” The Rushern said, before turning back to the shocked Twilight and Spike. “Shall we go meet your friends now?”

Author's Note

Here ya go.

And now, to go off and never update this ever again because I suck at writing stories!

Who's That, Dressed To The Nines

Author's Note

Um.
Hi.
Uh, enjoy the chapter?
~~Why do you actually like this thing~~

I have a problem.
The fact that you're all giving me the most support I've ever recieved on a story almost lowers my motivation, because I'm scared that I'll make a new chapter and it'll be horrible and I'll disappoint you all.

But anyway, I apologize for the short chapter. Rares and Flutters are the two members of the Main 6 I know the least about, so I wanted to get them out of the way in a short chapter so I could start focusing on the ones I know.

Who's That, Dressed To The Nines

“Yes, we should.” Twilight responded, shaking her head to clear away the confusion. “Are you coming with us, Celestia?”
“Yes, Twilight. I must admit I still do not trust Heavy, but I have also not been in Ponyville in a while. I would like to see it again.” The Princess replied, before striding towards the door. “Who shall we visit first?”
“Well, I was thinking maybe Rarity? She’s been thinking about trying work for minotaurs. Maybe Heavy could help her?” Twilight responded thoughtfully.
“I believe that would be good.” The human replied.
“Then let us go there.”

As the four walked out of Twilight’s Castle, each got different reactions. Celestia received bows, as she was royalty. Twilight did too, but not as many. Spike got nods of acknowledgement, at best. Heavy got stares, but only a few hostile ones. As well as Ponyville being Ponyville, they had also been alerted of Twilight’s summoning, so they were expecting her to walk out with an unknown being in tow. Having been told of this, Heavy didn’t begin talking, so as to avoid difficult questions. The four walked, and soon made it to the Carousel Boutique.

The bell on the door rang as they stepped in, causing Rarity to look up from her conversation with Fluttershy.
“Oh! Princess!” She gave a bow to Celestia, then froze as, straightening up, she spotted Heavy. “Ah… Twilight? Did your experiments work?” The lavender alicorn nodded, but before she could speak, Heavy stepped forwards.
“Greetings. I assume you are Rarity?”
The alabaster mare gave a squeak at his deep voice, then relaxed as she realized he meant her no harm.
“Y-yes, I am. Might I ask who you are?”
“I am Heavy. I heard that you were working on something to do with minotaurs, which I now realize must have been clothes, or something similar,” He explained, gesturing to the fashion shop around them, “And I, with my similar body type, thought I could help?”
“Ah. Yes, I have been working with minotaur-type clothing. Let me go get what I have so far…” Rarity trotted into the back room, leaving Fluttershy to look up at the behemoth of a person. He looked back at her with curious kindness.
“H-hi.” She managed to get out, the others watching carefully. Heavy knelt down, so that his head was level with hers. He reached out a hand, and everyone tensed. His finger slowly approached her face…

And lightly tapped her snout, letting out the softest of squeaks.

Heavy gave a chuckle, which evolved into a full-on laugh as Fluttershy’s face broke out into a smile, and before long Rarity came back in, levitating a set of clothes, to find the entire room rolling with laughter. She didn’t understand why, but found it infectious anyway, and soon joined them in their relieved happiness.