Princess Celestia Denuclearizes Equestria

by CategoricalGrant

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Princess Celestia, Alternate Universe, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other
Length: 2236

Princess Celestia attends the June 12, 2018 US-North Korea Peace Summit and accidentally ruins everything.

It's the meeting of the century as President Donald Trump and North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un discuss serious diplomatic issues in Singapore; the first meeting of the respective heads of state in history.

But, there's another, unexpected attendee at the summit! After all, you can't have a diplomatic summit without having a representative from your interdimensional neighbors, right?

A story from the same universe as Putin Hacks Equestria, Trump Bans Ponies From Entering the US, and Kim Jong-Un 'Conquers' Equestria.

Published 2018-06-12 09:20:08 UTC
Last updated 2018-06-12 09:20:08 UTC

And Then We Shall Have...Peace...

Mike Pompeo quickly waved his team over, and within moments he was surrounded by a group of state department officials, armed secret agents, and even a few odd interns. “Okay everyone, listen up! We’ve done a great job so far; now Trump and Kim are in the same room talking. It was truly difficult to set up this meeting on foreign soil, and you’ve all performed splendidly. That being said, our job is not over. There is only one thing that can ruin this summit, and that’s if it’s crashed.”

There was some murmuring in the group, but America’s new Secretary of State hushed it quickly.

“There are two people that we absolutely have to keep away from here. The first one is you know who.”

“Who is that?” an intern surreptitiously whispered to the secretary next to him. He received no response.

“The good news on that front is that I haven’t seen him in days,” Pompeo added. “I’m not certain that he’s even in the...Hey!” Abruptly, Pompeo stuck an index finger out at a far edge of the hotel. “I see you over there, Bolton!”

A moustached face quickly withdrew behind the cover of a wall, and Pompeo immediately plowed through the crowd towards its last known position. “Bolton! What did I say about coming here!?”

Turning the corner, Pompeo came face-to-face with National Security Advisor John Bolton, who crumpled over and hissed at him. “The President needs me!” Bolton cried.

“No he doesn’t, you already almost ruined things once. You seem to have a talent for that.” Snapping his fingers, Pompeo directed a small team of Secret Service agents toward Bolton.

“Stay away! I have to save America!” Bolton screeched, struggling to remove the agents’ hands from him. He reeeee’d loudly as he was dragged away.

Letting out a tired groan, Pompeo slowly mozied back to his team. “Okay, as I was saying...Now that that’s been taken care of, the only thing between President Trump and the Nobel Peace Prize is a single person. Actually, not even a person at all.”

Pompeo looked around the room surreptitiously and then motioned for his staff to come closer, lowering his voice. “It is absolutely essential that we keep ponies out of this summit, especially Princess Celestia. The President and her have a long, storied relationship of antagonism-“

“‘Crappy Celestia’,” a social media consultant snickered.

“Exactly. She’s been assigned a Twitter nickname of ire by him, and not one that polls particularly well with home-schooling evangelical voters in North Carolina, either. If that wasn’t enough, she’s under the crazed delusion that US-Equestria relations are stronger than ever, which means she’ll just anger Trump with offers of friendship and...whatever until he says something he’ll regret to Kim. Singapore customs informed me she entered the country a few hours ago, and under no circumstances is she to be allowed anywhere near this meeting. Princess Celestia is not to be given a seat at this summit!” Pomeo very forcefully declared the final statement.

The Secretary of State felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned around quickly, about to scold the person for sneaking up on him, before his breath caught in his throat. “Oh...crap.”

Princess Celestia’s bottom lip quivered slightly as she looked down at Pompeo with a hurt expression. “You don’t want me here, Mr. Secretary?”

Pompeo let out a shaky groan as most of his staff began to slowly back away from the awkward encounter. “Well, uh, Your Highness, it’s not you, exactly, it’s...well, yeah, it’s you.”

She frowned deeper as her eyes shone with hurt.

“Well, n-not just you,” he stumbled, desperate to avoid the spectacle of a crying magical horse princess at a summit swarming with reporters. “We wouldn’t have wanted your sister or any of the other princesses, either.”

“Not even my grand-neice Flurry Heart!?”

“Especially not the baby that shoots uncontrollable, explosive magic.”

“Well, I must say I am very hurt by your words,” Princess Celestia continued. “This will certainly strain relations between Equestria and the US. Unless I get an apology hug.” She held out a hoof and beckoned warmly to him, her expression radiating hope.

“Absolutely not. When you hugged me at the interdimensional G8 meeting last month, I had magical strands of pastel horse mane on my suit for a week.”

Princess Celestia put her hoof down and frowned once more. “Well, I’m sorry to disappoint you Mr. Secretary, but my pony princess colleagues and I must insist that Equestria has a seat at the summit table.”

“Why?” Pompeo seethed in frustration. “Why on earth do you care about a bilateral summit we’re having with North Korea?”

“Because Equestria is an interdimensional power with the same nuclear security interests as every country, for one. Kim Jong-Un pretended to invade us a while ago, too, so it’d be great if we could get him to not do that again.” Princess Celestia’s face soon adopted a smug grin. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m also really good at friendship and peace and what not.”

Princess Celestia’s eyes opened wide as she noticed something across the hall, and she asked another question before Pompeo could respond. “Hey, what’s written on that door over there?”

“Princess Celestia, no!” he cried almost immediately. “Don’t go over there!”

Ignoring him, the princess elegantly walked over and squinted as she read what had been crudely written on a sheet of computer paper taped to the door of the ‘Oriental Jewel’ conference room:

SUPER IMPORTANT SUMMIT INSIDE
NO PONY PRINCESSES ALLOWED

“Is the summit in here?” she asked.

“No!" Pompeo cried back, grasping wildly for a response. “I-it’s something else! Please, don’t go in there!”

Princess Celestia scoffed. “Mr. Secretary, I wasn’t born yesterday, you know. In fact, if you must know, I was born 1506 years ago, even though I don’t look a day over 24.” Pressing a hoof against the door, she confidently entered.

“Now!” Pompeo hissed. A team of Secret Service agents quickly locked and secured the doors.

“Hey, there’s nopony in here,” exclaimed Princess Celestia. The doors shook as she tried to open them. “What? Mr. Secretary, let me out!”

“I’m sorry Princess,” Pompeo said as the agents braced themselves against the gentle shaking of the door, “This is for the cause of world peace.”

The shaking stopped and Pompeo stepped away from the door, sighing in relief. “Good work; thank goodness our last line of defense worked.”

There was a magical popping noise and Pompeo let out a small ‘oof’ as he backed into a fluffy pony coat. He whipped around quickly. “Oh...crap.”

Princess Celestia’s mane slowly billowed as she looked down at Pompeo with an expression of strong maternal disappointment.

Pompeo groaned in defeat. “Alright...follow me.”

“I better get two apology hugs after that, Mr. Secretary.”

“Alright Kooky Kim, who I definitely never called fat and short, let’s start talking,” President Trump said confidently.

Kim Jong-Un spoke for several seconds before halting. His female interpreter spoke up. “The Supreme Leader agrees, although he would wish to make clear that you are still a dotard.”

“Acceptable,” Trump said, motioning to a staff member to pass a binder his way. “This deal is going to be the best deal in the history of deals, believe me. Now-“

“Hello everypony!” Princess Celestia said, strolling into the room.

“Oh...crap,” Trump groaned.

“Sorry I’m late!” Princess Celestia scurried over to Kim Jong-Un and shook his hand with a hoof. “Mr. Kim, I didn’t much appreciate your fake invasion or your state media telling your country I had proposed to you without a proper courtship period, but I’m hoping we can start fresh.”

Kim Jong Un spoke, a single eyebrow raised in confusion.

“The Supreme Leader would like to know why this…” the interpreter paused as she considered her translation, “...exceptionally large and fluffy white pony, who appears to be a false, non-Korean unicorn, has appeared at the summit.”

“I would like to know that as well,” Trump said. “And where on earth is John Bolton!?”

His aide shrugged.

“Alright, he’s fired. As for you, fat horse, get out!”

“No, Equestria demands to be represented at these negotiations,” Celestia said calmly as she took her seat. “Come now, Mr. President, aren’t our countries close allies?”

“Not particularly. Not at all, actually. If you wanted to send someone why didn’t you send the blue horse?” Trump asked. “She’s much better than you! Very respectful, and understands that LOSER Dragon Lands are not paying enough into interdimensional NATO.”

“Luna is otherwise occupied and couldn’t attend,” Celestia explained serenely.

“And so, with this meeting, I hope to forge a lasting bond which will benefit ponykind and humankind alike,” Princess Luna explained, shaking Justin Trudeau’s hand with a hoof as the press in the room took a myriad of photos.

“Actually, we prefer to use the the term ‘everycreature’ or ‘creaturekind’,” Trudeau mansplained to her. “It’s more inclusive.”

Princess Luna withdrew her hoof quickly and narrowed her eyes at the Canadian Prime Minister. “...I knew there was something wrong with you from the moment I laid eyes on you.”

Meanwhile, the discussion in the summit negotiation room had grown more and more heated.

Kim Jong-Un pulled out a red button and placed it on the table.

“The Supreme Leader is disappointed in the negotiations and wishes you to know he is ready to rain fiery death down onto America’s allies if progress is not made immediately.”

Trump pulled out an even larger red button. “Oh yeah? Well, my button is bigger, and I can rain more fiery death than you!”

Think, Celestia! What was that advice Twilight gave you?

Remember, Princess, they are both aggressive, cold, experienced negotiators. Don’t be afraid to get aggressive yourself if you must.

“OH YEAH?” Celestia cried, sitting down on the table and turning her back partially to the other heads of state. “WELL MY BUTT IS THE BIGGEST, SO EVERYONE SHUT UP, PLEASE!”

Even Trump, who was used to being the source of chaos in the room, was caught off-guard. “Normally I would say that mine is and to believe me, but I can’t argue that point.”

“Now that negotiations have broken down, would it help if I offered to denuclearize Equestria?”

A pall of silence descended over the room.

“You have nukes?” Trump asked.

“Yes! It turns out that the Crystal Empire was built on a very large, naturally enriched uranium deposit. In exchange for some of it, our good friends the Iranians have given us some missiles!”

“...The Iranians have nukes?”

“Yes, I believe they told me they got the technology from the Pakistanis.”

“...The Pakistanis have nukes?”

“I think they developed them as a deterrent against Indian nuclear armaments,” the ever-knowledgeable Celestia responded.

“...The Indians have nukes? Crap, I’m going to have to have half a dozen more summits.”

“Well, what do you say?” Princess Celestia asked with a warm smile.

Trump and Kim shared a brief look.

“Okay, so, the Korean Peninsula will be denuclearized, the ponies give up their nukes, we set up a free trade agreement between our three countries, Korea will be unified within five years and peace will reign for a dozen generations,” Trump checked off, placing the pen down on the table when he was done. “Best negotiation in the history of negotiations.”

“The Supreme Leader agrees with these terms."

“Oh, excellent,” Princess Celestia cooed, clopping her front hooves together. “I’m so glad I came!”

“I’m ready to sign off on this right now, on the condition that I get a barrel of those tasty apples from that lesbian pony that sounds like she should be Jeff Session’s daughter,” Trump tacked on.

“Oh, I’m sure Applejack would be happy to oblige!”

“The Supreme leader also demands these particularly tasty apples.”

“Ohhhh,” Princess Celestia began, sucking up air awkwardly. “You see, the thing about that is that Applejack told me explicitly that she won’t sell apples to ‘no daggum commie sons of’... well, I can’t say the last word because it’s not very polite.” She scratched her head timidly. “I can get you some pears or oranges,” she offered.

When the translator had finished relaying the message to Kim Jong-Un, he immediately took out his red button and slammed his fist on it multiple times in succession.

“Two can play at that game!” crowed Trump, bringing out his larger red button and slamming it as well.

Celestia's eyes darted around the room and she quickly stood up. "I think it's time that I take my leave..."

@realdonaldtrump: “TOTAL LOSER PONY Crappy Celestia completely RUINED NK summit! Fortunately Staples was sponsoring, otherwise real nuclear buttons would have been used and humanity totally obliterated. Equestria needs better leadership- SAD!

Princess Celestia looked up from her iPhone. "Well, I got off easy, all things considered. And we got to keep our nukes!"

Princess Luna looked up from her cereal. "What about our biological weapons program?"

"Still a complete secret and advancing quickly!"

"Excellent! I may have a use for it very soon, a head of state gave me lip today!"

Author's Note

So I'm in Japan rn- my airbnb is literally in the Shadow of Mt. Fuji. The summit happened today on the same continent-if things go south I'm in a nuclear blast radius, so...I hope Celly doesn't find her way to Singapore! :3 :P