Do You Love Her Or Not?

Hurting

On and on I wonder what went wrong inside my head,
I just lay here in the dark crying in my bed.
All the pain.
I can't explain.
It just won't fade.
And all the secrets silenced by the shame...

It's long over.

The last major fight was three years ago.

I should be able to get over it.

I should be able to forgive her.

I should be able to stand up tall and accept her.

I should be able to live with her like all sisters do.

I should not push her away.

I should not hurt her.

I should not hate her behind her back.

I should be a good sister.

I can't do that.

Why not?

The answer isn't simple.

My name is Princess Lunaria, Raiser of the Moon. I have a twin sister. Her name's Celestia, Sovereign of the Sun. I love her very much. Yet I don't.

You probably don't understand. Neither do I.

Celestia has always been more loved than me. Ponies have always loved her more. And that has always hurt. But it's better now.

We both grew up with crazy parents. I hate them. They were horrible to me and bad to Celestia. When they died we got the crown. We were only fourteen but we already looked like adults. We never had the chance to be kids. We struggled to be happy.

When we were eighteen all our fights just blew over and I got possessed and my sister sent me to teh moon for a millennium and it was so dark and cold and lonely and depressing and desperate and I couldn't breathe and I hurt so much and I ate dirt and then... And then...

I came back here. As Nightmare Moon. I was defeated. She left. I apologized. Celestia forgave. She offered me friendship. We went back to our lives. But it wasn't the same. For one thing, I still couldn't eat. The pain of eating real food and then throwing up wasn't worth it. Whenever I eat, I eat food made of moon rocks. It's disgusting and horrible but what can I do?

Celestia never apologized to me. She never said sorry. She never talked to me like is as her equal. It's sickening.

No its not. Its not her fault.

But she knew.

It was spur-of-the-moment.

But she could have said something. She could have worked to get me back.

But to defy the elements is impossible.

Do you love her or not?

I can't answer that. I feel like I'm going insane. When I was younger I could write beautiful essays any time of the day but now I can't even tell you what's happening in my life.

It's just so difficult. I know Celestia's had a hard life. Why can't I care? Why not?! Nobody would ever understand. Teh feeling of slowly losing your mind is horrible because you're still aware. You know what you're doing but you can't stop yourself.

When I was twelve I lost my left wing in an accident. It just ripped right off. I could fee both sides. I still had control over my severed wing. It was so painful.

Yet I said not a thing.

You know what's also infuriating?

Foals.

The way they used to pretend to be mad. I'm not mad. Am I? I'm off topic. They'd pass around prescription pills. Trade around made up epidemics. They'd say they need intensive care.

But none of them were aware. Aware of the horrors f insanity. We hardly have any insane ponies nowadays. Even when we do, tenure treated with respect and they have their moments were they're normal ponies.

But an alicorn princess? Completely different. Ponies would fear for their lives. If I was diagnosed with teh syndromes I have, I'd probably get killed. And all teh shame...

I'll fool the whole world just until I get better.

I'm terrified I'll be taking forever...

"Could you please be a little more careful with your experiments?" Celestia asked, out of the blue.

"Sorry, sister dear, but the results are so unpredictable. I'll stop them if it'll make you happy," I offered.

"Oh, Luna, I want you to be happy as well, but couldn't you try something less dangerous? It's causing harm to the public."

"Sorry." I smiled sheepishly. "Woopsie."

Celestia sighed. "Luna, I'll be arranging a duel sometime soon."

"Oh," I said. "That's a bit dangerous, isn't it?" Duels are dumb and immature."

"Relax, sister, it'll only be one duel."

"Between whom?"

"Too powerful ponies," said Celestia vaguely.

"Which powerful ponies?" I asked curiously.

"The rulers of Equestria," Celestia smiled. "You and I."

A maid rushed in. "I'll grab a doctor!" she cried.

"Celestia, you're joking, right?" I said nervously.

"No, I am not. This world isn't big enough for the two of us."

"Celestia..."

"You're either in or you're out!" snapped Celestia. "And everypony will know if you've backed out."

"Oh, alright," I sighed weakly. I had a horrible feeling about this.

My last time lowering the moon.

It was dawn.

The Grand Canyon.

Cold.

Quiet.

Barren.

And unmistakably eery.

I'll never forget those eyes. She looked at me like I was teh cause of all teh misery I the world. I wasn't sure whether or not she'd shoot at me.

Just before the duel started, my horn fizzed. It burnt.

Celestia looked at me, her horror plain to see.

She desperately fired at me.

I made a weird "oomph" noise and sunk to the ground. Blood spilled out of my mouth. She had shot ribs. My own sister had shot me in the ribs. Was I really that bad a pony?

Doctors rushed towards me but i pushed them away. There was nothing they could do for me now.

"If I'm going to die, I'll do it dramatically," I wheezed.

I look straight at Celestia. My twin, my first friend, my... Arch enemy? That can't be right. I only say one thing, because I know it's my fault.

"My bad."

I fall down.