The Worst Equestrian Necromancer

by Nobodyslament

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Luna, Comedy, Princess Celestia, Death, Human, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Alternate Universe
Length: 40335

Some necromancers want to rule the world. Some want to reign terror across their own demented plane of existence. One just really wants to annoy heroes. These are his stories.

Ragar the Ageless has seen many things in his non-life. He has seen fields of cotton candy, the wails of the soon-to-be-dead chanting in chorus. Once he even saw a unicorn. Well, there are a lot of those in Equestria, so maybe that one was less noteworthy. But still, he's seen a lot. Now he wants others to see him in all his glorious evil. The only issue is he's not so good at it.

** EDIT **

Well crap, featured with every chapter. I feel all special and stuff. So let me give you all some love. You're all wonderful people, trees or whatever internet capable folks have been reading.

Dang, look at all those likes. I'm feeling the love. Thank all of you for enjoying my wonderful trip through insane necromancy.

Many Thanks to Locke_Jaw for his wonderful artwork that is my new cover.

Published 2018-06-14 08:20:07 UTC
Last updated 2023-07-28 01:00:17 UTC

Thirty Years After Introduction

Celestia was giggling like a madmare. Her group of heroes had finally beaten Ragar's little challenges, but upon winning had found his private quarters empty - with the exception of five plaques marking them as the owners of Ragarland. To add to the enjoyment, Ragarland was actually directly under Canterlot castle - within the Crystal Caverns. She had been laughing for an hour straight, unable to cope with a supposedly evil necromancer who had literally lived in her basement for thirty years building what turned out to be an amusement park. All the puzzles were just ways to get on the rides. In fact, shortly after her team solved it Celestia found herself riding a wonderful Ferris Wheel made of crystal. Of course, she had to disarm three auto-repairing tripwires before the door would open, but that was neither here nor there.

The only disappointment was that she failed to meet Ragar himself. She had been looking forward to meeting whatever strange pony had got through her wards and built an entire crystal and bone themed park under her castle. She refused to believe they were whatever being was appearing in her room for what was now a weekly chat, but she enjoyed the over the top conversations they shared. This day, however, was one that required something rare. Today, she was going to call them. She walked up to the orb and tapped her horn to it. This was followed by smooth music flowing from the orb. She assumed that it was sending a request to talk over whatever link the orb allowed between her and her strange friend.

After a few seconds there was an audible click, and with the tell-tale flash, she was staring at something odd. The skeletal figure was there... but instead of a cloak, he was in a fluffy pink bathrobe. He looked pleased though. Celestia still hadn't figured out how he managed to convey emotion through his unmoving face, but she could always tell what the pony behind the mask was feeling. He waved at Celestia. "Hello princess. It is I, RAGAR, THE AGELESS!! DARK LORD OF ALL EVIL!! How are you today?"

Celestia smiled and returned the wave. "I find myself in high spirits today, Ragar. I must say, I was sad to see you had left your lair when my guards finally beat your challenges."

Ragar nodded in understanding. "Of course, capturing the famed necromancer would surely bring great morale to your pony army. However, what master of evil would be caught in his own lair? No, Ragar escaped through his tunnel as your heroes took the cart into his lair." Celestia smiled. The roller coaster leading to his central chambers was great fun. Apparently, her team had gone through it twice before realizing that they had won.

She nodded at this. "Of course, how could I have ever thought to catch the notorious Ragar without a cunning plan?"

He moved slightly, a coffee mug coming from somewhere she couldn't see as he walked around. It was odd, seeing something walk while not moving. Then he sat, propping his feet up on an unseen object. "Indeed. Ragar is a clever foe. Do not worry princess. The next set of challenges will be ready in but six months. Prepare yourself. For my next will be twice as evil as the last."

Celestia nodded and tried to hide her joy. She had found that Ragar seemed to enjoy her acting like he was a serious threat. If she was being honest, she did too. It was a fun game to play. "I will assemble a new team of heroes post haste."

Ragar raised his mug towards her. "See that you do. Also, Ragar must commend your librarian. The Royal Archives were sorted excellently. All the forbidden knowledge had its own section. Ragar was happily able to read all of it. Ragar left her a fruit basket in the visitor center. She also has a two-year pass to Ragar's former lair. Please see that she knows."

Celestia paused. Had the pony truly seen all the forbidden books in her archives? No, it was impossible. The guards were patrolling all entrances every hour of the day. The pony behind this must be trying to act the part. However, that meant that she must as well. That didn't mean she couldn't try to pester him about it. "Ragar, you are truly a vile cretin. How did you ever manage to sneak in?"

Ragar seemed to beam with joy. "Ragar does not share his plans unwisely. However, you are a nice princess. Ragar simply walked through the door. Not one of your guard tried to stop me. In fact, most didn't seem to notice Ragar. Ragar was almost offended. But then when I saw your beautifully sorted forbidden lore, I forgave them instantly. Nopony who saw those books could possibly be surprised by one such as me."

Celestia smiled wide. There was no way he just walked through the door. So her secrets were definitely safe. Of course, their little game was still afoot. "Well then, I shall have to redouble my guard. They shouldn't have let you through so easily. Should I also change the hero team set up from last time?"

Ragar shook his head, before sipping from the mug. The liquid went straight through the hole in his jaw and seemed to stop a few inches before his bathrobe. Celestia giggled at this, before quickly clamping it down. She was a serious ruler talking to a dangerous necromancer right now, after all. Ragar looked down and seemed to convey a great sadness. "Ragar will never get used to that. The spells Ragar has devised make it so that the taste is fully experienced. But Ragar's form does not allow the digestion of various foods. Perhaps Ragar should devise a digestion spell. But then Ragar would need to design a bathroom. What self-respecting necromancer designs his own bathroom?" He threw his free hand in the air in annoyance, before calming down. "To answer your question, though, keep the same types of adventurers; Ragar designs all his lairs specifically for that style of team. Ragar also likes seeing how that particular type of team works. It is like watching a great play. In fact Ragar has created a small viewing crystal, to replay the greatest moments of the various sieges of Ragar's lair."

Celestia perked at this. "Oh, really? May I have a copy?'

Ragar nodded emphatically. "Of course, one of my undead servants shall deliver it to Ragar's former lair. It shall be upon the entry stone. Make sure it is checked early tomorrow morning. Also, please leave a small collection of adventure books. Ragar lost a few in the move, and Ragar's library is now barren of all adventures!!! Truly, 'tis the vilest fate Ragar has endured in Ragar's many years."

Celestia nodded, trying to hold in her fit of laughter. A necromancer who reads adventure books in his free time. Whoever was behind this had a great sense of humor. Or a voracious love of adventure books. Either way, it somehow fit the over-the-top necromancer. "Of course Ragar, I shall have a maid bring a few of my personal favorites to the entryway." She decided to see if she could further his lore. After all, she wanted to remember this one well. Perhaps she could write a play about it in a few centuries. "Out of curiosity Ragar, how old are you?"

Ragar let out his, by now familiar laugh. "NYEHEHEHEHE, Ragar has lived for centuries. Ragar saw Discord's reign. I saw the day the tribes united and elected their princesses. Ragar saw the death of Sombra. Actually, Ragar saw that one far too closely. A bit of his crystal body got jammed in Ragar's eye-socket. Ragar spent a week trying to get it out. Ragar still hears Sombra in his dreams. That is why Ragar devised a way to avoid sleep altogether. Never again will Ragar sit through subpar teatime with a wannabe king."

Celestia had been about to prepare some tea but ground to a halt at this. Every time she thought he was full of hot air, he said something to set her on edge. Sure, a true history nut might know all of those various facts, but most ponies let the past stay there. This one though. How had a pony who seemingly loved construction and spell-craft found the time to research all of her past battles? True, he hadn't mentioned Luna, but still. She shook it off. Of course, a team of ponies then. Nothing to worry about.

"Ah, I have rarely gotten to meet a being as old as you." She then hid a private smile. Another attempt to catch him off guard, then. "And of course I assume you were there for the banishment of Grogar?" She began brewing her tea. Nopony remembered that little tale. It was before unification and lost to the ages. She smiled at her perceived checkmate, as her thoughts turned smug. 'Let's see you chew on that little puzzle.'

Ragar responded, though. "That old fool? He was an idiot! Ragar tried to show him the path of evil, but he wanted to use necromancy for pain. What fool thinks evil is a force of violence? Ragar thanks you, Celestia, for both you and your sister banishing him to the shadow world." Celestia froze. That was impossible! She had spent many moons making sure that that particular tale stayed buried! Even the knowledge that Grogar existed was restricted to her personal students, and of course royalty. How another being could know it without being there was baffling. She sent her brain into overdrive, then let out a snort. With some wooly logic, she decided that it must have been passed down from a small group. If she missed a private family who happened to know of Grogar, then no harm done. Besides, from the venom in Ragar's voice it was clear he must hate Grogar as much as she did. Then she heard a yawn from Ragar. "Princess, if you will excuse Ragar, Ragar must now retreat to his phylactery. Ragar needs the time to finish the new lair before your heroes arrive."

Celestia moved the now whistling teapot from the stove and poured the liquid ambrosia into a mug that proudly stated 'Sun-Flank' in large block lettering. She took a sip and nodded. "Of course, Ragar. I cannot wait for our weekly meeting on Tuesday. I do still wish you would come over for a spot of tea sometime. I am always happy to hear from you."

Ragar moved a bowl into his lap and poured the last of his mug through his jaw. The drink spilled freely into the bowl, which caused another smile from Celestia. She was quickly losing composure again. Ragar seemed to ignore it, though. "Of course princess. Ragar must gloat to the only worthy rival in all of Equestria. However, Ragar will decline your lovely invitation. Ragar does believe you wouldn't arrest him on a social visit, but a necromancer must have standards. A princess tea party is much too frilly for RAGAR THE AGELESS, UNDYING MASTER OF THE UNKNOWN."

Celestia nodded. At least he couldn't have actually gotten into the archives. Who knew what would happen if he found Starswirls unfinished spells? There was a slight cough behind her. "Also, princess, Ragar forgot. One of the books in the archives had incomplete spells in it; as a master of the unknown, Ragar just had to finish them. Unfortunately, Ragar finished them in the margins, so Ragar made a new copy with the corrected spells. It should still be in the forbidden section; it is under 'R' for RAGAR." There was a soft click as the communication ended. Followed by the loud crash of Celestia dropping her mug.

The guards outside Celestia's door were treated to a sight normally seen only during attacks on Canterlot itself: Celestia sprinting out of her room at what seemed like mach speed. One of the guards turned to the other. "Hey, did Princess Celestia have curlers in her mane?"

The other guard stayed facing forward. "I didn't see nothin." Both guards returned to their silent vigil. Then they heard something that was almost always heard only on the battlefield: Princess Celestia's Royal Canterlot Voice. It spouted several curse words that made everypony's ears within a four-point-six-two mile radius turn red by proximity alone. The second guard stayed facing forward. "Didn't hear nothin either."

Author's Note

Well, Here were all my ideas for the night. Comments are loved and thank you so much for reading. Many thanks to the great Guldane, whose magical prowess fixed my atrocious grammar and typos with both ease and panache.

Five Hundred Years After the first Solving

Five hundred and thirty years. Celestia had been dogging Ragar for five hundred and thirty years. He currently held the record for the longest running villain in her life by a wide margin. The fact that he had made each successive lair exponentially harder to crack was quite annoying, and she still had no clue as to the deeper ramifications of his necromancy-themed parks. Ragar seemed content to study the tomes he retrieved from whatever ruin he had built his lair before leaving them in a neat pile whenever he moved to the next one, although the books always had doodles and notes filling the margins. She wasn’t even sure why he wanted all the lost knowledge he could get.

She was in her study pondering the true intent of her greatest rival when he called. She looked to the orb as it played a distressed beeping instead of its normal calming music. Guessing the call was urgent, she quickly patched him through. “Yes, Ragar? What seems to be the trouble?”

Ragar was in a decidedly odd set of clothing. She had seen him in all sorts of outfits when she called; bathrobes, overalls, and once in a full snorkeling outfit. But when he called he was always wearing a robe in either black or purple. Today, he wore a simple shirt with an unknown design gracing the front and a pair of simple denim pants. He cleared his throat a few times before speaking. “Yes, it is I, Ragar. Master of the unknown, wielder of the infinite, and the undying overlord of EVIL!!” He then shuffled from one foot to the next. “Today, Ragar is also an asker of awkward questions.”

That got Celestia’s attention. Ragar had always seemed at least mostly sure of himself, but now he was acting like a foal caught with his hoof in the proverbial cookie jar. She moved her paperwork to the side and focused on him. "What seems to be the issue? A great necromancer such as yourself should be able to deal with any issues in your land."

Ragar's shuffling increased, causing Celestia to worry. Ragar cleared his throat. "Well, princess. Ragar had sent some of his most loyal minions out to find rare and dangerous alchemical ingredients. While they did find them, Ragar's minions also found a small colt wounded in the woods. Ragar, being a MASTER OF EVIL!!, healed the colt thinking he would then head on his way. However, the colt now seems attached to Ragar, and his parents were apparently lost to the same monster attack which wounded him."

Celestia nodded. It was an easy enough issue to fix. The next necromancer hunt was only a week away; simply moving it up would allow the guards to return the colt to Equestria. From there, finding him a family would be five minute's work. Seeing this plan unfold in her mind, she was blindsided as Ragar threw a wrench into it. "Ragar would like to adopt him. Ragar has obtained the necessary paperwork. There is the issue that Ragar is not an Equestrian citizen, however. Ragar was hoping the princess knew of a way to bypass this restriction."

Celestia took several deep breaths. The necromancer she had been forced to wage a nearly silent shadow war against was asking her to let him adopt a foal. Not only that, but he had somehow already obtained the paperwork for it. Thinking it through, however, she wasn’t sure it was actually a bad idea. Ragar had never really harmed anyone, and if the colt truly had become attached to Ragar splitting them apart might make things worse. Plus, it would allow her a look into Ragar's home; the safety of the colt was the most important thing, but she wasn’t going to turn down information about her opponent. "As a princess, I can remove this small barrier. However, I must first ask to interview the child and send a pony to your current lair to make sure it is safe for a child to live. I trust this is an acceptable compromise?"

Ragar nodded quickly and bolted out of sight as he yelled. "INDEED! I SHALL FETCH HIM NOW!" Celestia waited a moment and heard the quiet voice of Ragar on the other end. "Now then, you're meeting the princess. Remember to stand up straight, be polite, and let her speak first. I have some dinner cooking for as soon as we're done." Celestia heard a smaller voice speak afterward, but couldn't make out the words.

A small colt appeared in her vision, at most eight years old. He had a light blue coloration - so light that he was almost white aside from a streak of bright red in the part of his mane currently covering one eye. Celestia smiled as warmly as possible at him as he stood as tall as he could under her gaze. "Hello, my little pony. What's your name?"

The colt smiled while waving excitedly, the action causing his mane to switch the eye it covered seven times before finally settling in the exact middle of his forehead. "Hi, princess! My name's Black Sun!"

Celestia smiled at the young colt's antics, letting out a small chuckle as she pulled out a scroll and quill. She quickly wrote down his appearance and started taking notes on the conversation they were sharing. "It's very nice to meet you, Black Sun. I had a few questions, if you don't mind."

Black Sun nodded with just as much overzealous abandon as before. "That's super-di-duper okay Princess. As long as you don't ask where Mr. Bones’ super secret lair is. He said that the princess has to crack a really hard code to get to a lair while he's still here."

Celestia paused in her writing; she couldn't remember a code Ragar had given her. She had made notes of all conversations with the necromancer, and couldn't think of a single hint he had dropped. But that was a thought for later - first came the young foal in front of her. "So, Black Sun, what have you been doing with Ragar the Ageless?"

The colt's smile widened. "We played tag today! We even got to watch as some of his friends built some new games for a competition next week. He said I could give them tickets when they walked up." The young colt puffed out his chest, immensely proud of his important job.

Celestia smiled at his joy. She marked that down and continued. "So, what type of meals does Ragar make you?"

Black Sun raised a hoof to his mouth in thought. "Well, he had to get a cookbook for making pony food, but he tried to make me hayburgers the other day. They were kinda burnt, so he made spaghetti instead. For lunch today we had sandwiches, though." He then smiled widely and asked, "We have some leftovers, do you want any?"

Celestia giggled and shook her head. "No, thank you. I believe that is all I need from you. Would you mind sending Ragar back in?"

He shook his head and ran off. Celestia heard Ragar ask, "Did you tell the princess goodbye?"

Black Sun sprinted back into view. "I'm so sorry, princess. Goodbye!" He waved his hoof a few times before sprinting back out of sight.

Ragar calmly took his place in the image, waving his hand to the invisible colt. "Have fun, young one. Make sure to stay in the house until I'm done." Then Ragar turned to face Celestia. "He was a good little pony for you, correct?"

Celestia smiled. "Of course, Ragar. Truly, you are a masterful evil parent."

Ragar nodded, his skeletal mouth opening into a wide grin. "Ragar is a GREAT PARENT!!! Ragar had a daughter long ago; she made excellent pizza."

Celestia was surprised, to say the least. Ragar had a daughter? Ragar had a daughter who was a pizza chef? While one was confusing, when combined it was somehow the oddest thing she had learned about the strange necromancer. She pushed it aside; she couldn't focus on the small details of the conversation now. "I'm sure she's a great mare. Now, about that pony I'll be sending to your lair."

Ragar nodded. "Of course. Send them with the group of heroes. Ragar himself shall give them a private tour of his lavish estate. Also, make sure they bring a few recipes. Ragar has lost the ability to cook over the ages."

Celestia smiled. "Of course, I'll make sure to send a representative that knows how to cook. In exchange, I would like to make a simple request."

Ragar reached into his pocket, pulling out a small metal square. "Sure thing. Ragar is always in a good mood when guests are going to arrive."

Celestia watched as he made several taps against the box."Yes... Well, could we possibly move this year's little hunt up a week? It would allow us to finish the adoption all the sooner.”

Ragar nodded emphatically. "Of course. Ragar will have the gauntlet prepared post-haste. The DUNGEON OF DAMNATION shall be finished tonight!"

Celestia smiled and nodded towards Ragar. "Very well. I shall have my group ready tomorrow morning. Say, ten or so?"

Ragar smiled. "Of course. I shall send a runner with the finished paperwork right now." With that, the call ended. Celestia smiled, writing a few quick messages for her guards to pass on to the adventurers and adoption bureau. The whole thing should be easy to arrange if Ragar’s runner managed to get the paperwork to her before the group got back from the challenge; she’d need to wait for her representative to return with their review of Ragar’s home before finishing the adoption.

She was never sure how far away Ragar’s lairs were; how the contestants were transported there was an eternal mystery. It only seemed to take them hours after exiting the front gates of Canterlot, but none of his lairs after the first had been within a day’s trot. One of the many mysteries surrounding Ragar. Her thoughts were interrupted by a thump from the ceiling; when she looked up to see what had caused it, a small collection of bones lodged themselves in her mane - followed by a massive stack of paperwork that slammed into her muzzle.

Celestia's door guards were veterans; they knew not to interrupt her work with non-urgent matters. It was a strain not to check on her, however, as she began loudly grumbling as calming music flowed from her room. The music cut out, and they learned why she had been upset.

"RAGAR, YOU MISERABLE EXCUSE FOR A LICH!! WHY IS THERE A BIRD SKELETON REFORMING IN MY BEDROOM!!?!”

Author's Note

And chapter three is done. I have a full plan for this story so don't worry. Also, I do read all your wonderful comments and a few will doubtless make it into the story at least partially. As always many thanks to the great Guldane, whose magical prowess fixed my atrocious grammar and typos with both ease and panache.

Bonus Chapter - 3 years after adoption

Celestia was happily relaxing on her bed reading a novel Ragar had found. He had been sending interesting books to her often enough that the skeletal bird had even learned how to stay together when passing through her wards - which was slightly concerning, even if it was easier on her mane. It was currently sitting beside Philomena, quietly chirping with the phoenix.

Celestia hummed a private tune in her head while she enjoyed the strange story Ragar had sent to her. Floating islands, new magic, and blades of light; such fancy was to be applauded - and published if she had any say. And since she was a princess, she most certainly had a say. Ragar had even hinted at sequels! If each one could live up to what she was reading now, they would sell very well. She happily turned a page as a piano song began wafting from the orb in the corner. She smiled as her horn sent a mote of light towards it and Black Sun’s image formed. "Hello, little one. How are you doing?"

The colt put a hoof up to his lips. His horn had grown enough to poke out of his wild mane, and he seemed a fair bit taller - though it was always hard to judge size through the orb’s image. Black Sun normally stayed in the background, only rarely speaking to her during her calls with Ragar; despite his excitable nature, he was a quiet colt. He leaned towards the orb, making his head appear huge, and whispered, "Dad doesn't like to show off, Ms. Tia, but I think you'll love this. Check it out."

Celestia smiled at the familiarity before she heard the soft tones of a piano beginning its song. She listened as the keys marched to their master's cadence - and then she heard somepony sing

The orb shifted and brought Ragar into view, his fingers working an invisible piano. His voice was no longer the high-pitched joke that she was familiar with; instead it was deep, thick with what felt like forced joy. Like a performer trying to make a depressed audience feel better. She let her head bounce back and forth while listening intently. The song seemed to be about a bar, one that would be indistinguishable from any other bar in Equestria - but the song made the bar unique.

She wanted to write it down, to commit the song to her memory, but it wasn't hers. It was Ragar's, and he wasn't choosing to share it. She closed her eyes and relaxed, simply letting the song wash over her. Different people, different ideals, all brought together by a ratty old bar and a piano. It seemed poetic, how everypony could gather in one place and be equals; they were lost and confused, but together through it all. As the last notes of the song faded away, she opened her eyes to see the necromancer leaning back and letting out a sigh. He said something then, but it was lost in the shuffle of the orb being moved again. She heard Black Sun's whisper. "Yeah, dad does that every year. I don't know why, but the song's really pretty."

Celestia waited as the colt moved the orb back to what she assumed was its original location and his head went back to its normal size. "I thought you might like to hear it. He can play lots of songs! He even plays songs for me when I get scared."

Celestia smiled at the young colt. "Really? What songs does he play?"

The colt scratched his head. "I dunno, there's the one about being evil. It's funny. Oh, and there’s one about a bandit. But that one makes me sad, so he normally only plays it after I fall asleep. I hear it sometimes when I go to the bathroom."

Celestia nodded; she had never thought of Ragar as a musician. She was frankly surprised that a creature she had known for centuries could still surprise her. Many things that she had learned about him over the years didn't match others. It was like trying to put together a puzzle from several different sets of pieces. She suspected Ragar would enjoy that image; he seemed to enjoy the persona he had cultivated. "He is a very skilled musician. Perhaps you could convince him to play for me?"

Then she heard Ragar's high pitched voice cutting through the whispered conversation. "Of course Ragar would play for the princess, though young Black Sun has some explaining to do."

The princess let out a giggle as Black Sun tripped, fell, and promptly ran out of the room. Ragar looked at his fleeing son before laughing. "NYEHEHEHEHE. Such a lively boy, even when he does something I disapprove of. Anyways, I would gladly play for you, princess, but only if you ever manage to get to my lair."

Celestia was disappointed; she still hadn’t been able to find the hint that Black Sun had said would lead her to Ragar’s lair. It was almost certainly there; Black Sun had been quickly taught that the only thing Ragar didn't have any tolerance for was lying. She nodded. "One day I shall make it to your lair, Ragar, and when I do I expect a full concert."

Ragar beamed. "Of course, princess. After capturing the EVILEST NECROMANCER, it only seems fair. Ragar shall begin selecting songs now. Also, the last group of heroes just left. That purple pegasus was very fast; she beat almost half of the challenges on her own! Ragar has recorded the event. Would you like a copy of the crystal?"

Celestia's ears perked at this; though she’d known he had recorded the first group, he hadn’t mentioned doing so since then. Had he been recording all of the trials? That would be wonderous to watch, especially if she could get the backlog. "Yes, I would be interested in any crystals that show how my little ponies have been facing your trials."

Ragar rattled his jaw bones in his odd little chuckle. "Of course! Ragar shall deliver all his spare recordings to you. My courier shall be at your window tomorrow. Probably around noon, he is a lazy bird, but a good friend. Please do not hurt him."

She let out a giggle. "I shall warn the guards first thing in the morning. Is there anything you require of me?"

Ragar thought about this. "Yes. Ragar needs more books for Black Sun's schooling. Ragar tries to take him to town for socializing, but going to school every day has proven too... difficult."

Celestia nodded at this; the report she’d received of an army of skeletons invading a school suddenly made a lot more sense. She’d have to handle that tomorrow. "Of course. Also, the new Starswirl stories came out last week; I'll package them as well."

Ragar's eyes literally lit up with a blood-red glow. "YEEEESSSSS!!!! Ragar will have his books. You are the best! Ragar shall send the nice crystal monitor with the viewing crystals. You can count the feathers on a wing with it!"

Celestia smiled. Ragar had an odd penchant for historical fiction, especially if it had magical adventures in it. Starswirl traveling dimensions seemed to hold his undying love - pun intended. She looked at the clock and her smile dropped. "I apologize, Ragar, but I simply must be getting to bed. I hope to speak with you soon."

Ragar nodded. "Of course. Ragar should finish what he was doing anyway. This is the first time it was interrupted in centuries. Also, he must remind Black Sun of his bedtime. It was AN HOUR AGO!!" With that, the call ended, and Celestia put her book to the side. She had a lot on her plate tomorrow.

She ended up getting very little of it done; Ragar’s messenger - a giant skeletal pterodactyl - caused panic throughout Canterlot when it arrived, though it was hard to be too mad at him for it. It had been delivering gifts, after all.

Author's Note

As always thanks to Guldane as well as all of you for putting up with this fluffy piece of crap. Love ya.

Forty Years After Adoption

The soft music of an incoming call woke Celestia from a much deserved afternoon nap. She blinked sleep from her eyes as she stood with a wobble. She briefly debated ignoring the call and going back to sleep, but Ragar had warned her he might need help soon. She sighed and accepted the call, only to be greeted by a strange sight - even by Ragar’s standards. Though Ragar was in his normal robes, parts of his clothing being on fire was new. So were the small holes scattered over the robes that revealed bits and pieces of the bony body underneath. He was also actively running from something. "Ah, Princess. Ragar seems to be in a spot of trouble."

She could agree, especially when she saw a blast of red magic fly over Ragar's head. He seemed calm about it, however, so there was no reason to freak out quite yet. "What seems to be giving you trouble, Ragar? Do you need me to come over to your lair to assist? You’d need to give me directions, of course."

Ragar calmly jumped to avoid another orb of energy sailing between his femurs. "No, nothing so serious. But, hypothetically, if Ragar happened to have a recently ascended alicorn in his house, how would Ragar ground his... uh... growing pains?"

And now Celestia had a reason to freak out. "YOU HAVE AN ALICORN IN YOUR LAIR!?!"

Ragar had to speed up to avoid what appeared to be a small bug made out of pure fire. "Ragar said hypothetically. You have no proof Ragar taught Black Sun how to ascend."

Now Celestia had even more reasons to freak out. "BLACK SUN IS AN ALICORN!! WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?!?!"

Ragar broke into a dead sprint. "Hypothetically. Ragar has not confirmed any of this. However, Ragar would guess maybe thirty minutes ago."

Celestia nearly blew a fuse. "YOU ASCENDED AN ALICORN WITHOUT ANY GROUNDING EQUIPMENT NEARBY?" Then she paused for a moment. "How did you even learn to do that?"

Ragar ducked into a low slide, a solid beam of energy nearly grazing his skull; when he moved back into view, his mouth was open in what was normally a smile - though Celestia couldn't be sure in the current circumstances. He sounded like he was happy when he spoke, though. "Ragar learned the spell in one of your books. It was meant to rely on friendship for some reason, though. Bah, it is much simpler to use the blood of a phoenix! Willingly given, of course; Ragar pities the fool who attempts to steal phoenix blood. However, the spell only works for unicorns, so Black Sun volunteered to be Ragar's test subject. Ragar did not know this would happen."

Celestia let out a few deep breaths. Not only had he used a spell meant for six ponies to cast, he had also bypassed the safety lock she had snuck into it. She let out a silent scream, which helped her calm down slightly - though not as much as watching Ragar skid across the ground when an orb of energy smacked into his skull. That calmed her down enough to actually answer Ragar's original question. "To ground a new alicorn’s magic, they must either be helped by another alicorn who can control the extra magic or sleep for at least twelve hours while their body adjusts. I could be there shortly if-"

She was interrupted as a spell made out of nebulous black energy flew from Ragar's hand. He calmly climbed back to his feet, patting out the fires still consuming his tattered robes. "No need, princess. Black Sun shall get his rest. We had talked about it, but we had decided Ragar should only do that if there was no other option."

Celestia stared. "Did you just knock out your own son?"

Ragar nodded and sent a few more spells from his hands. "Of course, it was the smartest course of action. Besides, he lost Ragar's head last week."

Celestia was forced to replay that last sentence a few times to understand it. Black Sun - the stallion who had been calling her once a month specifically to complain about Ragar's lack of a filing system - had lost his father’s head. Then, Ragar, who doted on Black Sun like he was still a colt, had knocked him out because it was the simplest way to contain his power. This seemed out of character for both of them. She was obviously missing a few pieces to the puzzle. "How did he lose your head?"

Ragar shrugged. "We had been practicing the DARK AND FORBIDDEN ARTS! Ragar believed a spell we were experimenting with was less effective than bucking. We had to test that theory, so Black Sun bucked Ragar's head to gauge distance. We couldn't find it. I had to make a new one."

Celestia had to replay that sentence as well. Not only was his head removable, but he could make new ones. This was just going to give her a headache - no pun intended. She eventually decided that any time they were experimenting they went insane; that explained everything neatly. "Very well. What possessed you to make your son a scion of a natural element without at least warning me?"

Ragar laughed. "NYEHEHEHEHEHE! Every evil overlord must do something in secret! Plus, Ragar was at least eighty percent sure it wouldn’t do that. Ragar thought that the spell would simply convert excess magic into life force, thus allowing Ragar to increase the lifespan of young Black Sun. Though, immortality is good too... Ragar guesses. Less fun, though. Ragar is disappointed, as we’d brought out the good blood ritual equipment."

Celestia took the high road and ignored that entire sentence. Besides, every time she had asked for details about his use of blood magic Ragar had said he bought blood from hospitals. That made it not her problem, as only griffons and zebras used non-magically generated blood. "That is a sad turn of events. I'm sure Black Sun will apologize when he is awake. However, do you know exactly what you've done?"

Ragar smiled as wide as he possibly could, which looked uncomfortably like him dislocating his jaw. "Of course not! It would hardly be a worthwhile experiment if Ragar knew how it would end. How could Ragar possibly further his EVIL GOALS without gaining more knowledge?"

Celestia nodded before yawning. "Yes, I can see how that would be a problem. Let me spoil it a bit. Black Sun is now permanently bound to whatever natural emotion, object, or force he is closest to. If he’s not careful, he could very well allow himself to be taken over by an aspect of his own dominion." And now she was sad. Great. She lowered her head onto her pillow.

Ragar looked concerned for a moment. "Princess, do not worry about Black Sun. Both he and Ragar knew the risks. Besides, he'll have the two best tutors in all of Equestria if he ever needs a hand. At least, he will in time."

Celestia nodded, her dour mood barely lightened. "Yes, if he is willing to accept my help, the two of us will make excellent teachers."

Ragar slapped her dour mood out of her with the force of a small carriage. "Ragar? Teach an alicorn? Ragar has no clue. No, Ragar meant you and Luna. She should be getting back in a few hundred years, correct?"

Celestia’s mind shut down. It took several minutes and many worried calls from Ragar before she managed to shake off her confusion. "What do you mean?"

Ragar looked utterly surprised, perhaps more so than Celestia had ever seen before. "Wait, you didn't know that Luna would return? The Elements have safeguards in place. For such a minor case of possession, even if you channeled the elements until they were naught but air and wind they would not have permanently banished her. She had a one thousand year exile on the moon. I think there’s a bit over three hundred years left, or so." He tapped at his chin with a finger before throwing it in the air. "Something like that. It was all in a terribly boring essay in your forbidden section."

Celestia was frozen. In three hundred and thirty years she would see her sister again. She had already waited over twice that already; she was in the home stretch without even having known it! She couldn't contain her joy as she jumped up in the air and fluttered about. "Ragar, you beautiful skeleton. How can I ever thank you?" She even tried to hug the projection and rolled through it, laughing.

Ragar was smiling at her obvious delight. "It is nothing, princess. Ragar would have told you sooner if he was aware you didn't know. But if you could, Ragar thinks Black Sun may want some lessons on being an alicorn. Could you please allow him a visit?"

Celestia's smile never left her face. "Of course. You're cordially invited as well, though I doubt you'll descend into the snake pit so easily."

Ragar shook his head with his strange clacking-chuckle. "Of course not. Besides, Black Sun has been getting bored. He hasn't gone exploring in weeks. As soon as he finished studying Tirek's old things he was raring to go out again. Speaking of my son, Ragar should go make sure he’s comfortable while he sleeps."

Celestia was more than happy to end the call, having already started thinking through the preparations she would need to do for her sister's return. She finally fell asleep an hour later, happy dreams about her sister coming home filling her head.

The midnight guard of Celestia's chambers was a respected position. A pony at that door must keep watch against danger, make sure to awaken the princess in time for sunrise, and - perhaps most importantly - quietly ignore everything that came from the bedroom. Celestia had always had strange dreams, and she could sputter out prophetic revelations that could damn a pony to insanity. In the immortal words of the very first door-greeter: You didn't hear nothin'. Tonight they earned their checks as at exactly midnight they heard Celestia yell. "DID HE SAY HE HAD LORD TIREK'S THINGS??!!"

Both guards looked at each other and nodded. "We didn't hear nothin'." And thus the cycle continued.

Author's Note

It's official. Guldane is the bestest editor. All readers should thank him. Also, I hope nobody minds the alicorn OC. I have a reason, but alicorn OC writing just makes me feel dirty.

One Century Before Return

Celestia stared at Black Sun from across her tea table. "At least remove that ridiculous hat."

Black Sun shook his head. "No way, Tia. I don't want ponies swarming some new alicorn."

Celestia let out a sigh before raising a teacup from its plate. "Dear, you've been here for the past month. You've also visited at least once a month for the past century. Surely you know by now that as soon as that door closes nopony will come in to disturb your little charade?"

Black Sun nodded, absently moving his own teacup to his lips. He then blanched and sat it down with a glare. Celestia had to stifle her giggle. She had long ago learned that Black Sun preferred coffee, and he always expected it to be around. In turn, he knew that she would never serve him coffee. He was still miffed about that. "Yeah, yeah, but I’d rather be safe. I like not being a pretty princess, thanks. I'll stick to being my dad's lab assistant and exploring old ruins. Way easier than dealing with ponies."

Celestia let out a short laugh. "You say that, but somehow a new artifact shop opened up in Canterlot run by a blue pegasus who refuses to say where he got them from."

Black Sun shrugged. "I can neither confirm nor deny that I opened up an artifact shop because Dad doesn't seem to know how money works."

Celestia raised an eyebrow. "Really? How does he get all his supplies, then?"

Black Sun laughed. "Nowadays? He sends me out with a sack of bits that has absolutely no relation to however much something costs. He gave me a hundred bits for a freaking apple. ONE! I mean, Dad can summon up skeletons, secure an ancient ruin, and then study the ancients arts within. Give him a sack of bits, though, and he just throws however many he wants at something. I swear he has no clue what bits even are."

Celestia let out a bark of laughter. The dark and evil necromancer, master of the darkest and most evil magics, couldn't balance his budget. She wiped the joy from her eyes. "By Faust, that's great. Anyways, what have you two been up to? Since you've started visiting, Ragar has thrown himself into his work."

Black Sun nodded. "Yeah, apparently he lost a ton of research time while he was making sure I would live a full life. But he's really gone in full force since I've been out and about more." He threw out a hoof. "Hell, I think he's died like four times in the last year alone."

Celestia spit out her tea. "HE DIED!?!"

Black Sun nodded. "Yeah, that's how I reacted the first time. I was freaking out until one of his skeletons sat me down and explained it to me. Turns out that as long as his phylactery stays in one piece, he can just pull himself back together. He was careful to make sure he didn’t die until I was, like, twenty, but he’s been taking a lot more risks lately."

Celestia was flabbergasted. She had called him a lich before, but never imagined he actually was one. By definition, a lich was someone who had sold their very soul to dark beings to attain immortality - but that couldn't be true. A being like that would quest for naught but death and destruction; Ragar appeared to quest for books, even occasionally coloring books for some reason. She shook her head; if anyone could find a way to become a lich without selling their soul, Ragar could. "Of course. Just another mystery to add to the man, then."

Black Sun let out a snort. "Please tell me you aren't still trying to figure him out. Dad's a riddle locked in an enigma. You’ve just gotta learn his rules and live with that."

Celestia perked up her ears. "Really? What rules does he have?"

Black Sun shrugged. "Well, they aren't exactly written down. The big one is that dad doesn't lie, but that doesn't mean he doesn’t deceive. I've seen him spin a tale that leads someone to the wrong conclusion, though he never tells anyone an outright lie. That's his line."

Celestia nodded. It certainly gave her a new way to look at what Ragar said. "Now that you mention it, I can see it. He surely has a way with words."

Black Sun let out a loud laugh. "A way with words. Riiiight. A way of being insane you mean. That crazy old coot livens up any conversation he blindly stumbles into." In the inevitable way of these things, the orb in the corner lit up and began singing. Celestia quickly answered it, and Ragar came into view.

"Hello. RAGAR, SKELETAL WIZARD OF INCOMPREHENSIBLE MAGIC wishes to check up on Black Sun." He was wearing his normal robe, though there were pink bunny slippers peeking out from the bottom.

Celestia smiled at him. "We were just enjoying a spot of tea. I believe Black Sun is heading out to some new adventure later, though."

Black Sun nodded. "Yeah, I'll be heading to that spot in the badlands. You know, near where you had to blow up that statue?"

Ragar reached out of sight and pulled out a mug, sipping it calmly. "Ah yes, the statue. Was that the one where Ragar was assaulted by the hole filled bug thing?"

Black Sun smirked. "Yes, and you screamed like a little girl and started throwing spells everywhere."

Celestia bit back a smile as Ragar kept up a calm facade. "Ragar would never send spells everywhere. A spell sent out to cover an area is much too draining with very little effect. Ragar will admit that he did not aim properly."

He took another small sip while Celestia struggled to keep herself under control. She refused to laugh at the feared necromancer. She absolutely refused. "Understandable, under the circumstances. So how are you getting along, Ragar?"

Ragar struck a heroic pose. "Ragar is beginning to implement his final plan. When Ragar is done, all of his work will pay dividends."

Celestia smiled softly at the absolutely ridiculous pose Ragar was in. "Of course. I'm sure all of Equestria will learn to fear your great and powerful evil."

Ragar stuttered as he fell from his stance. "Not as such, Celestia. Ragar's plan shall be a whisper in a crowded room. Unheard and unheeded. Ragar will be a shadow in the night. Like an owl, or a velociraptor."

Celestia raised an eyebrow and looked to Black Sun, who just shrugged. "Dad knows all sorts of weird creatures. He probably meant one of those."

Celestia nodded. "Of course he does." She turned back to Ragar. "Ragar, if you wouldn't mind, I have a proposition. You refuse to meet me here in Canterlot, and we can’t meet in your lair, but I would like to propose a meeting on neutral ground so that we may meet in person and talk with no fear of reprisal, attacks, or capture by the other."

Ragar nodded, a finger clacking against his teeth; Celestia found the action fascinating. He eventually nodded. "Yes, Ragar can see the upsides of this arrangement. An exchange of knowledge between two immortals is always useful. Ragar shall acquiesce to this request."
Celestia smiled, happy to finally get to meet the person behind this strange and wonderful adventure she'd been living for almost a millennia. "Excellent. Shall we agree to a split, then? I choose where, and you choose when?" Ragar nodded and Celestia continued. "I was thinking the small town of Murcurial. It is in the badlands, and should be a neutral city."

Ragar nodded and began to tap his teeth again. "That is an acceptable location. Ragar shall be there in one hundred and twenty years." Celestia stared at the creature in annoyance. She had hoped he would say a week or two. She quickly nodded, however. After all, what was a century to an immortal? She smiled at the lich. "Then we have an accord. I will be counting down the days until then." She would add it to the ongoing list alongside Luna's return. She smiled as the conversation continued; an evening talk between friends was just what she needed.

Author's Note

Many thanks to Guldane and his wonderful assistance. We're quickly approaching the Mane 6 arriving on scene, shall we see where it goes?"

The Return

Ragar watched from his hiding spot as the ponies disappeared from the abandoned castle in the Everfree Forest. He was glad they had elected to leave shortly after their climactic showdown, as this part of his plan relied upon only two people knowing what happened here. Well, three if you counted a tricky demon. Ragar had been quietly observing events for some time, with no clothes covering him and no tools on his body. Going in bare-bones had been necessary to avoid detection. From the glow to his left he could tell his son was casting his scrying spell again. "You were right, pops. We've got a hit in the throne room. Need my help with this part?"

Ragar shook his head, not bothering to whisper as he emerged from his hiding spot. "No, Ragar shall do it himself. Go and check on the little filly you like; Ragar is sure she would appreciate it."

Black Sun's blue coat darkened to a shade of violet. "Dad, I don't like any girls. That being said, I do have that store you asked me to open in Ponyville to look after, so I guess I should make sure the residents know I'm okay." Ragar watched him fly off and smiled. He then did something that anypony who knew him would find quite surprising. He straightened up, and when he did it was as if the hunched lich became someone else entirely. The constant clicking noise of his bones against the stone floor and each other, the quirky movement that seemed to be one song away from breaking into a jig, all of it vanished as if it had never been.

In its place stood a skeleton in complete control, silent and walking with no wasted movement. He calmly moved to the center of the throne room, nodded, and then began a slow circle around the room - all while completely quiet. Once he completed the circle he returned to the middle of the room and raised his hands. As he did, black smoke began billowing from his open palms.

If anyone familiar with magic were here to witness his actions they would quickly realize the spell he was casting could go wrong easily. If it failed, he would be lost in the realm of Ooyooaeo, the Voweled Tempest. If it went perfectly, the influence of the realm of Vowels and Wind would only briefly pass through the Veil and leave things mostly the same, with the notable difference of all recently banished spirits being returned to the room.

As the black smoke spilled all over the room, Ragar began humming. The smoke began to emit speech that somehow lacked all consonants, speaking in an impossible language about the death of worlds. Ragar hummed louder. Finally, a few spectral beings phased into existence, singing prophecies of the fall of all Equine-kind. Ragar broke into an ominous song of his own, drowning out their lyrics as he continued to ignore the spell’s side effects. As his efforts neared completion, the ghostly choir vanished, the impossible language quieted, and finally the smoke vanished as he brought his hands together in a clap that sent a pulse of magical energy throughout the room.

The first thing Ragar noticed was that there were numerous slugs littering the floor, all dead. They also had a number of typewriters and sheets of paper scattered around them. Ragar picked one up out of idle curiosity, and then smirked. "A Oieuuooeo Oieiu’u Eoeao: Ay Oiu Eeiuee ay Ooyooaeo. "Guess we were wrong about the monkeys." He pocketed the page and saw his reason for being here: A cloud of nebulous black energy, floating about in a confused manner. Ragar walked up to it and slapped his face with both hands. The loud clacks heralded the return of his normal noisy way of talking before he began posturing. "Hello, little Nightmare. I am RAGAR, THE AGELESS DEATH. Would you terribly mind accompanying Ragar back to his hidden lair?"

The spirit bobbed back and forth as if debating this before it floated up and down in an excellent facsimile of a nod. Ragar clattered his teeth in an audible smile. "Wonderful! Ragar must, of course, do a small errand first. Ragar asks if you would simply go to the largest central hub of necromancy in the current magical sphere. Once above that, Ragar's lair will be one hundred miles due east. Go, and do not tarry! Your spirit will fail again if you do not reach the lair soon." The spirit flew away.

Ragar moved to the throne and sat upon it, pondering his inability to truly smile. He gauged the grin he’d probably have after successfully completing the spell would have long passed shit-eating and would have quickly approached a smile singularity. Luckily he had no muscles, thus averting the happiest apocalypse the world had ever seen. He lazily waved a hand, summoning a set of midnight blue robes around himself. With another wave an orb of black light appeared. He tapped it once and was greeted with soft laughter as the call started connecting. He bobbed his head to the ringtone he had lifted from a call almost a century ago. If Ragar remembered correctly, Black Sun had spilled spaghetti all over him during dinner, causing Ragar to shout about impurities on his very soul. Celestia had laughed for a good while after that, at least partially due to the orb hiding the meal until it had suddenly appeared all over his robes.

Eventually the laughter stopped, and Ragar found himself gazing into Celestia's tea room. Celestia and Luna were sitting by a table with all sorts of refreshments laid out. Celestia looked her normal, beautiful self, but when he looked at Luna, Ragar wanted to frown; she looked like a fraction of the mare he remembered. She was much smaller than before, and was completely lacking that energetic glint in her eye. Ragar forced those thoughts to the back of his mind. "Good morrow to both of the wonderful princesses of Equestria! Ragar had hoped Luna would be returned tonight."

Celestia smiled at Ragar while Luna stared. She had the expression of an exhausted dog staring at an intruder: knowing that she wanted to do something about it, but debating if that was possible at this exact moment. Celestia ignored that and continued. "Ragar, I'm so glad you called. You were right! Luna came back exactly on the thousandth year. I would hug you if you ever showed that bone-headed skull of yours."

Ragar held out his arms wide, joy flowing freely from him. "Of course Ragar was right! Ragar keeps too many secrets not to share them with those in need. Or to accidentally make some very interesting people."

Luna looked between Ragar and Celestia. She appeared to be trying to decide between bringing up the necromancer in the room or just letting it lie. Ragar decided that there was no need to wait. "And little Luna, last time Ragar saw you was after you banished Discord. Ragar believes it was a victory party, and you tried to sneak away with that wonderful little thestral when Celestia had her back turned."

Ragar watched as Luna's fur darkened. "Celestia, thou have some explaining to do. Namely, why is there an accursed lich appearing in thy tea room and speaking of events from our own private lives?"

Celestia gave her sister a patient smile. "Well, Luna, about a century after you left Ragar here called me and demanded we send guards to destroy him. Since then, we've cultivated a wonderful friendship; I can show you the recordings of the challenges he has put forth for our guards."

Luna stared in slack-jawed shock at Celestia's claim, while Ragar clattered his bones. He raised a hand, which drew the attention of both mares. "Ragar was just calling to offer Luna an invitation to our tea in a couple decades. Ragar is sure that she will absolutely love to see this handsome skull in person." He raised a single hand to his chin. "Or should it be in pony? Ragar still sometimes has trouble with the pony form of this language."

Luna continued to stare for a moment before shaking her head in confusion. "Of course. We would love to see thy handsome skull for ourselves. I bet it would look lovely above my mantle."

Ragar was once again glad of his lack of a face. The unfortunate princess had just stepped right into his trap. "Well, Ragar needed to send a welcome home gift to you anyways. Give Ragar a moment."

The guards outside the royal tea room were less well trained than their bedroom counterparts. They froze in place at their forgotten Princess's shriek. "What in the ninth pit of Tartarus is that!? DID IT JUST DROP A SKULL ON ME?!?!?!" The guards heard this devolve into a mixture of screams and laughs before they reached a consensus. When the princesses left the tea room together, they barely noticed that their guards were missing.

Author's Note

Well, another chapter out and my writer's block temporarily beaten. Guldane really helped a ton with this chapter, so show them some love. Thank you for your patience folks.

3 Months After Return

Princess Mi Amore Cadenza was having the oddest day. She had been summoned by her auntie to a private tea room for a 'long overdue meeting', but then when she got there all she found was a stupid floating orb. She took a deep breath to try and calm her annoyance. She knew she shouldn't be that annoyed, but this was on Shiney's day off. She could be having a relaxing evening on his couch or catching a new play with him. Instead, she was staring at an orb in an empty tea room while her guards waited outside under orders to ignore everything they heard. She sighed and moved to a chair, glancing over the few changes that had been hastily done a few months ago at Luna's return. Some moon tapestries sat in contrast with the hanging suns scattered across the room, and blues had been added to the official color list that used to purely consist of gold and white. Cadence smiled at that; Luna deserved some recognition after all she had been through.

Cadence's thoughts were broken by a song she’d never heard before. She listened for a moment as it sang of a bar and loneliness before she noticed that the orb was glowing brighter and displaying a prompt that asked if she wanted to accept a call. She quirked an eyebrow at the orb, then sent a telekinetic jab at the projected Y. A moment later the orb expanded, showing her a large bipedal skeleton. She stared at it in utter shock; her voice couldn't find purchase in her throat as it slowly looked her over, from her hooves to her face. Then it spoke. "I AM RAGAR THE UNKILLABLE! You must be dear little Tia's niece." He performed a jaunty bow as the clacks of his knees echoed across the room. "It's a wonderful pleasure to finally meet you."

Cadence stared at him for a moment before taking a few deep breaths and running through the breathing exercises she had taught young Twilight. Once she was calm, she tried to flash a winning smile. "Hello, sir. You are correct; I am Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, niece of the risen sun, Princess Celestia."

Ragar waved his hand dismissively. "Yes, Princess Celestia has many titles, but she is not the center of the conversation right now. No, Ragar had heard nothing of you until Celestia mentioned her niece while we were enjoying the clips from the latest necromancer hunt. Ragar was deeply offended that the youngest of the alicorns had never met him." At this, he chattered his teeth. "After all, how can royalty properly fear the GREATEST EVIL ON ALL OF EQUUS if they have never met him?"

Cadence paused for a moment before mentally shrugging it off. She had seen Shiney try to act like a villain in his weekly games, and this wasn't much different. If auntie liked this necromancer, then he obviously wasn't evil. She smiled at the game the necromancer seemed to be playing as she gave her own little jaunty curtsey. "Well then, Lord Ragar, I shall endeavor to keep a proper mindset during this conversation. If I might be so bold, what evil feats have you accomplished?"

Ragar seemed to brighten up. "Of course! Ragar doubts Princess Celestia would leave records of the many accomplishments of Ragar lying around the castle, if only for the fear they would bring! Ragar has done many evil deeds, such as the plunder of the lost city of Marelantis and the theft of the entire forbidden section of the Royal Archives."

Cadence had to giggle at that. Marelantis was an amusement park on the Trottingham coast, and she had been to the forbidden section of the archives herself. "Of course; it must have taken auntie years to reacquire all of those books."

Ragar seemed confused by Cadence's simple statement. "Reacquire? Why would she do that? Ragar returned them all. How could the evils of knowledge be properly shared without a library? No, Ragar returned the books and copied one that he may have accidentally doodled in. However, in Ragar's defense, Starswirl was a bit of a jerk."

Cadence paused at this before deciding to put this conversation under the same mental umbrella as a conversation with Celestia. After a moment of consideration, she decided a rug was a better analogy than an umbrella. When you got confused, you just swept whatever they said under it and kept going. "Of course, though it is not mentioned in history books." She had broken the ice now. With that done she needed all the details of Ragar and Celestia. Rare was it Celestia could talk about anypony with a smile throughout the whole conversation, but with Ragar she did. Cadence took a step towards the lich. "So Ragar, care to share your thoughts on Princess Celestia? I'm sure another immortal would give me such valuable insight."

Ragar began pacing while staring at Cadence. His image actually moved, but the way it kept phasing through the furniture was more than a little distracting. He moved back and forth through the couch, seemingly debating the question with himself, before nodding. "Very well! Ragar will share what he knows with you. Celestia is a wonderful princess. She has managed to run Equestria excellently while Luna was gone. She has even managed to defeat me several times." He seemed to preen as he began speaking of her champions. "She always picks guards that truly have a spirit of adventure. Recently there was one who seemed to live off of old ruins and Daring Do." He deflated at this, scratching the back of his head embarrassed. "Ragar may have hired her for exploration and retrieval of various ruins and objects."

Cadence nodded. "But what does Ragar, the master of dark arts, think of her?"

Ragar paused. "Simple; she is a wonderful friend. Until Ragar has finished his great work, that is the most he can have."

Cadence nearly cursed. She knew he was sweet on her aunt, but he was so focused on work he couldn't act on it. She steeled herself. She had dealt with this before, she just had to make him think it was his idea. "So what about after? Surely you'd like to spend some time with her, correct?"

Ragar paused, seeming to be unsure of his answer. "Maybe Ragar would enjoy that. Though after his greatest accomplishment he will need time. A year, maybe two until Ragar will be able to speak again." He then clapped his bony hands together. "However, this has gotten far from Ragar's original topic. Ragar has a gift for you."

Cadence realized the ball had shifted to her side of the court, and she had no idea how to answer. "Oh... ok. What'd you get me?"

Ragar chattered his teeth. "Ragar has found a spell that allows anypony to see the strings of love. Be it romantic, friendly, or family. Ragar has decided the sole user of this spell should be the Princess of Love."

Cadence was star-struck. A spell that allowed her to see her domain as clearly as Celestia saw Equestria. This was the greatest gift she had ever heard of! She began hopping in place. "Oh yes yes yes yes yes!! That's the greatest thing ever. Where can I get it?"

Ragar let out a massive laugh as he disappeared. "NYEHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Cadence stared at the orb for a moment, heartbroken. She was trying to figure out why he would toy with her like that when she heard a tapping at the window, followed by an extremely loud caw. Curious, she opened the window with her magic and slowly peeked outside…

The guard outside the tea room were bored. They had been warned that this assignment would be weird, but they could hear Cadence speaking in her matchmaker's voice after a few minutes of talking. Granted, it had gone quiet a while ago. Then they heard a loud thump from inside the room. The guards looked at each other, both unsure of what to do. Slowly, the braver of the two started opening the door - only to get smacked in the face when a skeletal bird ran out as soon as the door was cracked. They stared until Cadence ran out after it screaming. "SOMEPONY STOP THAT BIRD!! IT HAS MY BOOK!!!"

Author's Note

I love all of you and as always thanks to Guldane. Also, work sucks.

Bonus Chapter - Trixie Ponies

It had taken months. Plans on top of plans, more books than seemed possible, and in one odd instance, a gallon of maple syrup and a good cry. But it had all been worth it. The Great And Powerful Trixie had finally learned the necessary ritual to summon a powerful spellcaster to be her mentor. Had she been a lesser mare she might have worried about the battle of wills that was sure to occur so she could prove herself worthy of the spirit’s teachings, but she was far too great for such simple matters. She was sitting calmly as she finished the summoning circle, blocking all forms of magic from entering and leaving. Then without a word she cast the spell, pulling one of the greatest magicians of Equestria into her home.

A deep black cloud appeared within the circle as the chalk writing glowed with a brilliant blue light. The cloud expanded to fill the whole circle, becoming a pillar of darkness. Trixie stared in apprehension as the pillar began to fluctuate, shrinking and jerking into a tall bipedal form before it doubled over. Then - with a loud sneeze - the cloud dispersed, leaving a bipedal skeleton in a deep purple robe. Trixie was shocked as the skeleton bent down and inspected the circle. After a moment he clapped, the hard clack of bone on bone startling Trixie as it spoke. "Excellent, this is the best summoning circle Ragar has seen in a few centuries! Of course, you forgot a portion of it." With that, he simply took a step out of the circle with a bony grin. "Ragar doesn't know why ponies always forget the physical half. While Ragar is indeed a mighty lich and uses many spells, he can still walk."

Trixie continued staring for a moment before stomping down her hoof. "This is NOT how this is supposed to go. You're supposed to stay in the magical circle and challenge Trixie to a battle of wills so she can become your student. Not just walk out all willy-nilly."

Ragar paused to consider that. He tapped his chin thoughtfully. "Wellll, Ragar could do that, BUT Ragar could also just take you on as his student after a simple game."

Trixie stared in shock. 'This is the creature that can cast some of the most powerful spells on Equus?’ She thought, trying to match him to any of the famed spirits in history. 'He acts like an overexcitable schoolteacher.' She ignored this and took a leap of faith. "Of course the Great and Powerful Trixie shall play this game of yours. Prepare yourself for the greatest loss you have ever received, Ragar!" She pointed her hoof to Ragar, who successfully looked confused despite his blank face.

There was a moment of silence as Ragar stared before a small light appeared in his eye sockets. And then he doubled over in uproarious laughter. "NYEHEHEHEHEHEHE. How would Ragar lose? Ragar just needs a barbarian for his weekly O&O game. Since it's Black Sun's campaign we’re missing our normal fighter. It’s fine if you want to be something else, though; Ragar doesn’t mind."

Trixie stared in abject horror. "A mage of outstanding talent playing a CHILDREN’S GAME?!?! Why would Trixie lower herself to that?"

Ragar let out a few rattles from his jaw. "Because it is fun! Of course, Ragar thinks you should have a challenge first." He began to pace back and forth. "Ragar knows of many ruins that have artifacts that would be of interest, if he but had the time to collect them." Ragar snapped his fingers. "Of course! The sunken ship of Dangerous Dance." He turned to Trixie. "If you can recover the treasure Ragar knows is there, he will show you the way to his lair and teach you his dark and mysterious ways."

Trixie found herself back on familiar footing. Some demons required a test before they would help, after all; Ragar must be no different. "Trixie can do this easily. You will be amazed by the skills and spells of the Greatest Showmare in Equestria!!"

Ragar clattered his teeth and then waved his hand, conjuring a cloud of dark smoke that solidified into a map. "Here is a map to the wreckage. If you follow it carefully, Ragar is sure you can reach it." As Trixie reached for it Ragar held up a finger. "One moment, little pony. Ragar has two more tools for you." He placed the map on the floor before more dark smoke came from his hands. It dispersed to reveal a necklace, as well as a small ribbon. He put both beside the map. "The ribbon will help you by keeping the eyes of Ragar upon you, as well as letting Ragar record your adventure for posterity. The necklace will let you breathe underwater." Trixie flinched at the eyes of Ragar comment, which Ragar noticed.

He picked up the ribbon and waggled it with his fingers. "Of course, Ragar would not want to watch any personal moments. If you wish to have your privacy, simply remove the ribbon and Ragar will be blind to your quest. Keep it on once you are underwater, though; Ragar will be ready to help if it gets too dangerous."

Trixie seemed mollified and floated the objects before her before looking at the map. After a moment she glared at it. "Do you seriously expect Trixie to believe that there is a sunken ship in the PONYVILLE LAKE?!"

Ragar nodded. "Yes. Dangerous Dance was an odd mare. She decided nopony would expect a pirate attack while swimming in a lake, and as such built a full ship in the middle. After a few weeks, she grew bored and used it as a storage area and playground. It was sunk during the harsh storms of Nightfall."

Trixie stared at Ragar in utter confusion. This strange creature had just talked to her about a pirate ship built in a lake and considered it normal. She let out a whisper before even realizing it. "What the buck?"

Ragar laughed. "Yes, things were strange in those days. I believe at the time I was learning how to dance with an odd minotaur that was lost in the Minos caverns. She was a great teacher."

Trixie just nodded along. "O-okay. Trixie is just going to get ready to go, if that is alright."

Ragar nodded. "Of course, and if you need to speak with me again just tap the ribbon four times. It should allow Ragar to speak to you." With that, he clapped his hands and vanished, leaving a confused Trixie in his wake.

Author's Note

Thank Guldane for editing and hope y'all enjoy.

A Discordant Talk

Ragar was happily sitting down for a day of rest. While a few of his underlings were running around his lair on errands, most had followed his example; this had led to the extraordinarily rare occurrence of his lair being fairly calm and peaceful. Even the tour guides were sitting in their rooms, coming up with new and outrageous lies for the various landmarks in the lost city of Draknar, ancient home of the Dragons. Ragar himself was transcribing a few songs from his past life, making sure that they would survive after his inevitable fall. He reached to take a sip of whatever strange concoction Black Sun had left in the coffee machine before pausing. He didn't remember his “World’s Best Dad” mug having a tooth. Or strange mismatched eyes. He paused before he let out a joyous chuckle. "Nyehehe, Discord. To what does Ragar owe the pleasure?"

The mug swirled in place before the Draconequus in question popped into the drink, allowing the mug to return to normal. "Ah, hello Raggy old chap. Just scheduled the most invigorating little jailbreak and decided to pop in to see if you were up to your old tricks. I see the skeletons are still doing well."

Ragar nodded as he snapped his fingers, causing a tiny cup to appear floating in his drink. Discord smiled happily as it floated towards him on an equally tiny rubber duck. As he picked it up Ragar sat the mug down on a small table. "Of course, Ragar knows how to keep his minions properly healthy and happy." Ragar tapped his chin. "Discord, you know this won't last, right? You will surely be sealed again, with the elements having six bearers."

Discord nodded as he grabbed his new cup. Reaching a hand inside he pulled out a fistful of coffee that turned into a small slice of cake in his hands. "Of course I know that, bone-man. No, I just got bored." Discord swallowed the slice of cake home before smacking his lips. "But now that I'm out and about again I realized that it's just as boring being free. I mean, I can cause all the chaos I want, but the ponies just do the same thing every time." He swooned back, collapsing in the middle of the mug. "Whatever is a god of chaos to do when chaos itself is boring?"

Ragar thought on this a moment, trying to consider his options. "Well, Dissy, Ragar might know a solution if you want to spice up that immortal life of yours."

With a flash of light Discord was full size again, floating in front off Ragar with an excited smile. "Really? Oh, you're such a great guy, Ragar. Why, if I wanted a friend or two you would be first on the list." He paused as if thinking of something for a moment. "Well, you or Tia, but after that date with her sister, I think she might just want to take a bug zapper to me."

Ragar rattled his teeth. "Yes, Ragar remembers that. It ended with Luna threatening to beat you with an armoire while Celestia had to wipe the minds of everypony watching when you flew away. Ragar has yet to get the full story."

Discord waved his bird-like talon as if to banish the memory. "No way Raggy, a gentle-freak never kisses and tells. But c'mon, tell me all about that spice." He spun in a quick circle, donning an apron and chef’s hat. "I've gotta cook up some excitement or I might just explode."

Ragar chuckled. "Of course, but I’m sure you know there will be a cost?"

Discord grunted in annoyance. "Oh, you and your deals. I swear you never just throw me a bone." Ragar picked up his leg and tossed it to Discord, getting a deadpan look from the chimera. "Oh haha, you know I'm the funny one here. Stop stealing my gig."

Ragar chuckled as he bent down to reattach his leg. "Of course. No, Ragar simply needs six gems filled with chaos magic. If you do that, Ragar will share some knowledge about how to add something to your life you never thought you'd want."

Discord smiled. "That's it? Give me just one moment." He snapped his finger, and a number of assorted short minions appeared around Discord, who was now wearing a miners helmet. "Alright, Lemmings, time to get to work. Get me whatever it is the nice skeleton wanted. ASAP."
The Lemmings all wandered behind Ragar's chair in a straight line as he took a sip from his drink. He almost gagged at the taste. "What does Black Sun put in his coffee? Ragar swears it tastes like orange juice mixed with ash."

Discord stared at him. "Black Sun? Isn't that some random shop owner in Ponyville? I saw him nervously knocking on the library door when I left."

Ragar belted out a huge laugh. "NYEHAHAHAHAHA!! Yes. That is my son." Discord raised an eyebrow at this, which Ragar quickly acknowledged. "He's adopted, Ragar is a great parent, and must use those skills to make more evil beings. Black Sun goes into many ruins, looking for their dark and forgotten knowledge. Then he sells things he recovers from the ruins for a tidy profit. He even gets visits from foreign scientists asking about his discoveries!! Ragar is so proud." Ragar happily settled into his chair and reached into his robe. Pulling out a picture of Black Sun sitting behind a store counter he smiled. "Look at how grown up he is."

Discord looked at the photo a moment before nodding and staring behind Ragar. "Yeah yeah, cute kid and all. But it looks like all my little helpers are back." And with that the Lemmings returned, each one holding a small gem. As they reached Discord they each threw their burden up into the air. With a snap, they began circling and fusing into six separate stones, with six different colors. "And with these little beauties at your side, you can have all the 'perfect balance' you want." He stopped and held a paw to his chin. "Or was that the purple guy?" He shrugged. "Who cares, here's your chaos juice. But be careful, it'll expire in a few decades; make sure that it stays chilled and you take it out for walks."

The stones all floated onto the table giving Ragar a good view of them as they lined up in a star shape. He nodded at them and clacked his jaws. "And now for the lost knowledge of Ragar." He stood up and stretched his arms. "Discord. If you want to experience something new and unexpected, you should lose." Discord ground to a halt from his slow float, but Ragar held up a silencing hand. "If you do that, you have Ragar's word that you will be released by Celestia herself. And Ragar would bet that you would love to see what comes from that little experiment."
Discord gave Ragar a slow nod. "You know what Ragtag? I would. Well then, I'm gonna go get blasted by a friendship cannon. Keep it real, dry bones."

Ragar recoiled at that. "Hey, Ragar keeps all of his bones properly moisturized and healthy, and he would thank you for apologizing." Discord never did. His laugh echoed through the castle as he snapped himself away. Ragar smiled as he left, and picked up the blue gem. "Ragar thinks that this will work perfectly well."

Author's Note

Guldane helped me with jokes and edited as always. Love all y'all beautiful fools.

Pirates of Ponyville

Celestia had a headache. This wasn’t that unusual, since running a country was an awful lot of work. However, today it was a special brand of headache. One that was rare, and came with an uncertain amount of joy. This was because she was having what the castle staff called a ‘death day’. After the return of Princess Luna, the fact that Ragar was a bona fide necromancer had become the worst kept secret in Canterlot. She had managed to hide the fact from those most likely to worry, but several guards and nobles had figured out who the 'thrice accursed demon' was that Luna had talked about freely until Celestia had explained the situation to her. But what was causing her headache right now was the full sized galleon that had recently surfaced in the Ponyville lake. This would be less jarring if it wasn't for two things. One: the lake was barely big enough to allow a rowboat the ability to take anything more than a quick jaunt, making the galleon nearly touch the sides of the surprisingly deep lake. Two: It was crewed by skeleton pirates. In the last three hours, they had launched a barrage of small skeletal rodents at Ponyville, and in one case a very confused living donkey who landed in Sugarcube Corner.

This had caused Twilight to embark on a quest to catch the evil necromancer responsible. She had attempted to interrogate the crew, who had told her their master was indisposed by 'the dark and mysterious tones of the Canterlot Orchestra'. This had not only confused Twilight, but had caused her friend Rarity to have a full conversation with the crew about the varying pieces of work the orchestra had produced over the years. They ended up agreeing that though they had been in a recent slump, their work on the soundtrack for the Phantom Of Music was excellent. So now Celestia was having to try and calm down Twilight without mentioning Ragar, figure out how a galleon that by all appearances belonged in a museum had appeared in the lake, and contact Ragar - who was apparently listening to her favorite orchestra.

So she was waiting in her tea room trying to reach Ragar while responding to the frankly massive amount of paperwork she had received from Mayor Mare. Most had simple answers, but a few required more nuanced responses. Like what to do about the skeletons raiding the local comic store and stealing all the comics, but leaving behind enough bits to cover the comics, repairs, and sending the owners foal to college. She stared at the letter in a mixture of confusion and pride. On one hoof, Ragar had basically committed a minor invasion of her kingdom for comic books. On the other hoof, he had paid for them and left what one could call a tip. Or possibly he had no clue how much comic books cost, if Black Sun was to be believed.

She sighed and tried her communication orb again. This time the piano only sounded for a moment before Ragar appeared in the corner of her room. He was wearing a full suit, complete with vest, top hat, and monocle. He spread his arms wide, gesturing with what appeared to be a solid gold cane he was holding. "Oh, How wonderful it is to see you, Princess. Ragar was just thinking of calling you to speak of the great improvements in the latest showing by your orchestra. Ragar found that the pieces by Beethoovesen were nearly perfect."

Celestia paused. The latest showing was in Canterlot. She had assumed he was listening to a recording, or maybe one of his many crystal videos. She had learned long ago that if Ragar was having a movie night you couldn't interrupt it, though you could join it; they’d had several shared movie nights through the communication orbs. It was annoying that he refused to watch something with her unless it was something she had already seen, however; she desperately wanted to see some of the recordings he had talked about but hadn’t shared. She shook her head, trying to snap out of her thoughts. Why was she thinking about this anyways? She was going to meet him in person soon enough. She instead focused on the task at hand. "Were you present at the concert? I wouldn’t expect you to make the trip to Canterlot on your own."

Ragar nodded. "Originally, Ragar was going to go with Black Sun, but unfortunately he said something came up. So Ragar simply took his newest apprentice to the show; she enjoyed seeing how they captivated their audience."

Celestia really wanted to ask about his newest apprentice, but she needed to deal with the minor catastrophe going on in Ponyville first. "Yes, well, I wish this was a purely social call, but there is an issue that requires a few questions."

Ragar tilted his head to the side before he vehemently nodded. "Ah, Ragar must assume you mean his latest act of EVIL!!!" He raised his hands in a menacing pose, causing Celestia to giggle. After a moment he lowered his arms, and nonchalantly leaned on his cane. "Yes, Ragar wanted to try a repair spell on a large scale and found that Dangerous Dreams’ former pirate ship was the perfect test subject. Since it was originally sunk by a large magical burst from Nightmare Moon, Ragar repurposed the dark energy to make a few minions from the poor souls aboard. Some of them requested to go back, but it was mostly due to their skeletal nature. Ragar has found most people prefer to be whole when they return, but unfortunately, that is difficult."

At this, he lowered his head, and Celestia noticed his jaw moving as he quietly spoke to himself. While Celestia was a master of lip reading, it was somewhat difficult when your target had no lips. After a moment she softly cleared her throat. "Ragar?" He jolted up, nodding to Celestia. She worried for a moment about her friend before trying to push through. As always, Equestria came first. "As much as I'd love to ask about that, I must first clear the air. Why did your new crew launch rodents at Ponyville?"

Ragar paused. "Ragar doesn't remember..." he snapped up. "Crap, Ragar meant for that test fire to go east, not north. Ragar apologizes; he simply wanted to make sure that the rodents would be able to survive falls, as his current lair has many cliffs and he wanted to ensure his pets would be safe. The easiest way was to test some volunteers in an environment where he could easily retrieve them. They were supposed to land in Black Sun's garden."

Celestia relaxed, content with the answer. This seemed like a normal plan for Ragar; foolhardy, slightly insane, and silly. She had one last question, though. "And the donkey?"

Ragar paused. "Er, yes. The donkey. He may have boarded the ship, and my crew was very protective of their ship. Ragar believes they said they 'repelled boarders'? They believe it was in self-defense."

Celestia nodded. "Fair enough. I believe I can fix all of this easily enough, Ragar, though you still have one problem."

Ragar tilted his head at her. "Really? Ragar was unaware of any problems he had that would warrant a mare such as yourself hearing of them."

Celestia paused at the implications of his other problems, but decided to simply warn him instead of probing. "Well, you have been noticed by my own dear student. She has apparently enlisted Black Sun to help find your, and I quote here, 'evil lair of untold horrors' and left not too long ago."

Ragar's jaw opened wide. Then he belted out an enormous laugh."NYAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, Ragar cannot wait. He hopes Black Sun takes the scenic route though, Ragar must prepare." He gave Celestia a full bow, doffing his hat with the motion. "If you'll excuse me, Your Radiance."She nodded, hiding the blush at his simple comment. As he faded from the room, she sighed.

After a moment she stood up. "By Faust, Celestia, get ahold of yourself. It’s not like he means anything by it." And with that she walked out to personally meet with the Mayor.

Somewhere in the jungles of the south

Black Sun was smiling around the machete in his mouth as he carved a path through the jungle. Twilight followed behind, furiously scribbling in her notebook about all the various fauna she had encountered so far. He paused as the ruins that he had lived in only a decade prior came into view, then returned his machete to its sheath after slicing through the last of the undergrowth. "So, Twi, how do you feel about exploring old necromantic tombs?", he asked. Her own smile answered him better than words ever could.

Author's Note

Thanks to Guldane for editing.

An Odd Trip Home

The ruins of the Lost City of Flames were beautiful. The way the sunlight reflected of the orange walls made the city resemble a simmering fire, while magical lights softly illuminated anywhere the sunlight didn’t reach. Black Sun, long since used to the sight, was ignoring this as he sensed the few skeletal workers responsible for keeping the place livable. He’d still been maintaining his old residence, even though he’d been spending most of his time in Ponyville recently. He turned to look at the reason for his new favorite town in Equestria. Twilight was staring wide-eyed at what was once the city square. Sending a quick mental order for his minions to hide, he adjusted his hat, smiled, and began talking to Twilight. "So, Ms. Sparkle, shall we retreat to my living room? I'm sure we can look at some of my older texts and find the potential hiding places of an evil necromancer."

She turned to Black Sun with an annoyed frown. "I’ve told you to stop calling me that, Sun. Just call me Twilight." She paused, looking over the city. "But yes, that would be nice." They began slowly moving through the city, stopping frequently for Twilight to marvel at the architecture. Black Sun was overjoyed at this; it was always a delight to find ponies that shared his love of ancient ruins, even if she loved it more for the history than the challenge.

Twilight continued staring at the buildings in awe as they continued through the streets, but flinched back when she saw a massive pony skull embossed on a building. "Uh, Sun? Didn't you say these were necromantic ruins?"

Black Sun paused his quiet trot. "Well, yeah." Twilight visibly paled, but he waved his hoof. "This is a pretty calm area, though, which is why I set up a safehouse here. If you see a skeleton near here, just leave it alone; these ones aren't exactly dangerous."

That didn’t seem to reassure Twilight much, but she nodded her assent as they continued to move towards the city center. When they reached it, Twilight shook off her fear in order to properly stare in awe; the large tower dominating the central plaza was plated with brilliantly polished bronze and surrounded by magical lights positioned to give it the illusion of a raging inferno. "Is that your house?"

Black Sun let out a laugh and pointed to a two-story building positioned near the tower. "Ha, Nah. Living in the big towers was always Dad's thing. I live in there."

Twilight tilted her head quizzically at Black Sun as he began to move to his house. "Your dad lives in giant towers?"

Black Sun paused briefly, then nodded. "Yeah, Dad likes to research old ruins, and he sets up shop in the biggest tower he can find. Personally, I think he does it as a sort of long-running joke. Just don't mention that to anyone; he gets defensive about his image."

Twilight continued to stare in confusion for a few moments before Black Sun shrugged it off. "But enough about him; let's get in my nice cozy house." He walked up and opened the door while turning to look at Twilight. "It's easier to avoid stairs or a long flight whenever I want to check my private stuff. I've always disagreed with Dad on his choices of homes." He walked through the wide door with Twilight following quickly behind him. However, they both paused at the sight of a periwinkle unicorn browsing through his bookcase.

Trixie Lulamoon didn't even notice their entrance as she lazily grabbed the next book from the shelf with her magic. As she scanned through the first few pages, she began muttering to herself. "Trixie really needs to talk to Black Sun about his sorting system. While his father may like this strange number system, it vexes poor Trixie. Surely he must have that old book on the Flutterponies, or this Dream Valley nonsense."

Black Sun managed to recover his voice. "TRIXIE, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE IN CANTERLOT!!"

Twilight recovered right after that. "TRIXIE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!?!"

Trixie wasn’t particularly startled by the sudden appearance of Twilight and Black Sun; she calmly returned the book to the shelf and climbed onto a slightly ratty couch with a skeleton design on it. "Yes, the concert was wonderful. Your father bemoaned the fact he was no longer capable of crying the entire trip home. But Trixie is here because he sent her on another job. Apparently, Trixie needs to find the former home of the Flutterponies in Dream Valley. He gave Trixie the necessary survival tools, but mentioned you currently had all the Dream Valley books. We didn't think you'd be here since we had heard you were taking a..." Here she paused and glanced at Twilight for a moment. "Friend somewhere."

Black Sun stared at her for a moment before sighing. "Yeah, yeah. Twilight and I were gonna look through some spots I had mapped out to try and guess where whoever summoned that old pirate ship in Ponyville came from. We were gonna use my old charts and books to narrow it down."

Trixie glanced at Twilight, who appeared to have categorized everything that had just been said and found it wanting. "Wait a second." Twilight pointed at Trixie "Are you saying that Trixie, the showmare that tried to upstage everypony in Ponyville, works for your mysterious father who you’re always super cagey about?"

Black Sun flinched at that. "Not exactly works for... She's kinda his apprentice." He turned to face Trixie. "And the Flutterpony stuff is on the second floor, in my study. It should be near the sketch of what I think Dream Valley looks like now. You have that Windigo charm, right?"

Trixie nodded. "Yes, and your father granted Trixie access to his personal store of shielding cloaks. Trixie should return in a few months, hopefully with some news."

Twilight jumped back into the conversation. "I need some answers, here. How is Trixie, the mare who was a one trick pony, the apprentice of an extremely accomplished explorer who somehow remains hidden?" She turned on Black Sun. "And how come she can just barge into your home whenever the hay she feels like?"

Black Sun paused at that. He had never thought it weird when someone just wandered into his home. Granted, that might just be due to his upbringing; you tended not to worry about the occasional friend showing up unannounced when you lived with someone that routinely had heroes invade his residence. Regardless, he did shrink under her glare. "Well, we're kinda friends, a-and in our line of work if you need a book we normally just grab it from whoever has it and leave a note. W-we can get ahold of each other easily enough if it's an issue."

Twilight stared at the flinching pony before her before huffing at him in annoyance. "Well, that still doesn't explain how Trixie got an apprenticeship to your father."

Trixie giggled at this. "Why, Trixie summoned him, of course. How else could one hope to catch the attention of such an accomplished mage?"

Twilight froze as she heard the soft clop of hoof on face from Black Sun. "Why'd you say that Trix? Now I'm gonna have to deal with it."

Trixie smiled as her horn began to softly glow. "And that doesn't sound like Trixie's problem!" with a soft pop she teleported away, leaving Black Sun to deal with the mess she had made.

He sighed and used a wing to massage his head. "Sorry about that, Twi. Trixie's calmed down since we first met her, but she still gets all great and power-"

He was cut off by Twilight, who had started thinking out loud as she paced back and forth. "How could she summon a mage? Summon spells don't work on ponies. I mean, she could have used a thaumaturgy detector, maybe a message spell?" She was so caught up in her thoughts she didn’t notice the skeletal velociraptor poke its head around the corner from the kitchen. Upon seeing Black Sun it tilted its head. Black Sun raised a hoof to his muzzle, trying to silence its inevitable greeting. It didn't work; his bird let out a chirp at its master. Black Sun dived into the kitchen, tackling his pet out of sight. He heard Twilight from outside his room. "Wait, what was that?"

Black Sun began rubbing the velociraptor on its bony spine. "Nothing, just grabbing some drinks. Soda sound good? I have some water, too, if that's more your speed."

There was a pause before a small sigh came from the other room. Then the soft clops of Twilight walking towards him. He began to panic as he pushed the velociraptor towards the pantry. It looked at him, confused, as he shoved it inside and closed the door. "Sorry, Tooth, gotta keep you hidden. I'll play with you in a bit."

With that done, he rushed to the fridge and opened it. With a relieved sigh, he saw he actually had some soda, and as a bonus there was also some leftover cider from Sweet Apple Acres. He really should thank Applejack for that. He turned to see an approaching Twilight. "Hey, I have some cider, if you’d like that instead."

Twilight nodded. "Yeah, that sounds great. So, was Trixie serious when she said she summoned your dad?"

Black Sun thought furiously as he began passing a bottle of cider over to Twilight. Easy answer; say no, and then come up with a convincing lie. Say literally anything but the truth, and things would be fine. "Yeah, Dad was impressed for days by the circle she used." With that, Black Sun's plans evaporated like dust in the wind. "Ah, crap." Black Sun collapsed in a chair while Twilight stared at him. At least today couldn't get any worse. That was true for the few seconds before Tooth broke down the pantry door and jumped on Black Sun with a happy chirp, nuzzling his face as Twilight stared at it in abject horror. After struggling to push Tooth off himself, Black Sun let out a sheepish chuckle. "Eheh, I can explain?"

*Meanwhile, In Ragar's Lair*

Ragar had just finished talking with Celestia and was happily playing in his alchemy lab. The fact he had accidentally dissolved his arm was just proof that he still had much more forbidden knowledge to obtain. He continued humming as he mixed ingredients into a beaker until a scream broke his concentration, causing him to splatter acid all over his skull. As it began melting he let out a chuckle. "So, the plan did not work. Ragar told him so."

Ponies, Pirates, and Pies

Princess Celestia always had time for her faithful students, whether they be the arrogant yet brilliant Sunset Shimmer or the humble and bookish Twilight Sparkle. Of course, there were days where she wanted to put some sleeping potion in Twilight’s tea, but days like today made up for it. Days where she walked into her study to find Twilight hyperventilating, Black Sun singing while tied to a chair, and Tooth happily wagging his massive tail while warbling along. Tooth was also tied up, but he didn't seem to mind. She paused to listen in to the ditty. "MAMAAAAA, OHhhHHH. Didn't mean to make you cry. Someti-." He paused as he noticed Celestia. "Uhhh, this isn't what it looks like?"

Celestia giggled. Causing Twilight to jerk up and face her. Celestia paid her little mind as she looked over both Black Sun and Tooth. "Honestly, I don't even know what it looks like. Might I inquire as to why you are tied up in my study with Tooth?"

Twilight stared in abject horror as Celestia calmly trotted up to Tooth and undid the bindings, happily laughing as he chirped and warbled while rubbing his face against her fetlocks. "Down, Tooth, down. I believe I still have work to do." She turned to Twilight. "Hello, my faithful student. How are you today?"

Twilight's eye twitched. "Black Sun had a necromantic lizard in his home, and, and Trixie summoned his dad, and I don't even know what's going on anymore!!" She stamped a hoof on the ground as Celestia embraced with her wings. Snuggling between Celestia’s wings, Twilight continued, "and I tied up Black Sun because he might be a necromancer, but he's a good friend and I feel bad. I just wanna figure all this out and go home..."

Celestia smiled, but as she opened her mouth to give her student a new lesson in friendship she was interrupted by the voice of Black Sun. "Uh, this is cute and all, but can I get a hand here? I'm kinda stuck."

Celestia tittered as her magic cut through his bindings, allowing him to flex his wings with a happy groan. "Gods, that feels so much better." He hastily righted his cap, which was only barely covering his horn, and stood tall. "Well, that was fun. Buuutttt, I got stuff to do, so I'm gonna..." The golden glow of Celestia's magic cut him off from the door, causing him to lower his eyes. "Double-crap."

Celestia looked between Tooth and Black Sun. "So, you two, what happened?"

Black Sun rubbed the back of his head with a hoof. "Uh, Tooth? Wanna take point here?" The velociraptor looked between him and Celestia once. Twice. Then ran behind her desk, tail still visible from around the corner. Black Sun sighed. "Course not, traitor." He ran a hoof through his short mane before sitting down. "So, mayyybee I asked if Twi wanted to look through some of my old maps to help find whoever summoned that pirate ship in Ponyville." Celestia raised a single eyebrow, forcing more out of Black Sun. "And it is possible that Tooth scared her a bit by jumping on me for a greeting after I got Trixie out of my house."

Celestia lowered her eyebrow as she shuffled Twilight out of her hug and back onto the floor. "You did well given the circumstances, Twilight, but Black Sun and his father have a certain deal with me in regards to black magic; one he should have known to mention to you."

Black Sun rubbed his fetlocks together, embarrassed. Twilight, however, stared at her mentor. "You mean they're allowed to do this?" Celestia nodded, causing Twilight to begin another Sparkle-brand meltdown. "But, but, black magic corrupts your very soul! It can turn you into a thrall of the very magic you're trying to use! All the experiments were halted because it had such a high risk and-" She cut off as a white hoof was carefully placed over her lips.

"Twilight, both Black Sun and his father have taken certain precautions in order to counter these effects, though they haven’t shared their methods."

Black Sun perked up. "Well, I wouldn't call them precautions. They're more like fundamental differences in magical theory that have been a real trick to work around since I'm a pony; it’s not something we can share, as we have to tailor each black magic spell for me personally. Dad's always gonna have one up on me because of that." There was a pregnant pause as Black Sun realized what he just said. Then another one as Celestia watched Twilight work it out. Black Sun spoke first. "Crap, I just said dad wasn't a pony, didn't I?"

Celestia nodded. "Indeed you did, my little pony. Perhaps we should just go ahead and clear the air on the matter?"

Twilight looked between Celestia and Black Sun, trying to come to terms with the massive amount of information she was getting. Black Sun nodded. "Yeah, hopefully Dad isn't busy. If he is, this might be a bit more interesting."

Celestia rolled her eyes as she sent the call to Ragar. "I’m sure this can't possibly have anything to do with the fact that you invited Twilight home when he definitely requested that you wait?"

Black Sun gave a sheepish smile. "Yeah, well, she needed my help."

Celestia smiled. "Oh, little one, your constant assistance is admirable." She gave him a wink as Twilight hid behind her wing. "Though I can sense a bit of your father’s scheming in you." Black Sun might have had a response, but apparently Tooth had decided it was safe to come out; the skeletal bird decided to celebrate his newfound safety with a happy pounce onto Black Sun, nuzzling the pony while chirping happily. Celestia smiled as she sent a sliver of energy into the floating orb in the corner. It had barely rung once before a most chaotic scene came into view.

Ragar appeared in the center of the room, dressed like a pirate from a bygone era. He was sporting a tricorn hat that sat cockeyed on his half-melted head and a captain’s coat that had a number of candy canes holstered instead of pistols. The pies and candies swarming through the air around him only added to the miasma of weird that emanated from the image. Ragar snapped them all out of it with a frantic yell. "Celestia, Ragar needs assistance! Send the Royal Guard! Send the Wonderbolts! Send the Elements!"

All three ponies and one velociraptor stared as Ragar ducked so quickly his hat remained airborne. A pie flew cleanly between the melted remains of his head and the hat before he popped back up, the hat landing softly in its original position. "Ragar's ship is overrun. Foals! Foals have invaded Ragar's realm. The prow is already lost, and our supply of pies is almost exhausted!"

The princess stared in utter confusion. This was the strangest scenario she had ever seen when calling Ragar, narrowly beating the instance where he had ascended Black Sun; she had thought that was the limit. Then she realized something. "Ragar, are you in Ponyville?"

Ragar’s image began running in place, a cupcake grazing his brown vest. "Indeed, Ragar was visiting his pirate ship for a spare skull." He rolled forward and dived just under an oncoming pie, then quickly recovered his balance and slammed a door shut behind him.

Twilight jumped out from behind Celestia's wing. "Hey, you're the necromancer who raised that pirate ship!"

Ragar paused to look at Twilight. "Ah, the young librarian from Ponyville. Wielder of the Element of Magic, and a mare after Ragar's own heart. Ragar has seen your progress down the path of evil and approves of your knowledge hoarding ways."

Twilight stared in a mix of horror and confusion as Ragar grabbed a board of wood and began nailing it over the door. Celestia stepped in. "So, Ragar, correct me if I'm wrong, but you are currently sitting in the hold of a pirate ship easily within my teleportation range."

Ragar froze. He turned to look at Celestia, which was unnerving given the fact his skull ended just north of his nose. He then began spewing black smoke. "Teleportation relay, GO!!!" And with that, the link ended. Silence swallowed the room as all the ponies stared at the blank spot in the room. It was a while before any of them spoke. Finally, Celestia broke the silence. "So, did he just fail to notice that his son was in the corner being viciously nuzzled by Tooth?"

Twilight and Celestia shifted their view to Tooth and Black Sun, still sprawled on the floor where they had been playing. Tooth noticed the attention had shifted to him, and slowly turned to face the alicorns. There was a silent pause, and then a loud scream from Twilight as she remembered that the skeleton eyeing her was no longer bound.

The door guards to the royal study had already had an interesting day. They had assisted Twilight in moving in one bound pegasus and a strangely moving tablecloth. That wasn’t particularly notable, as Twilight’s experiments went; after all, they had both been on cleanup duty for the day she accidentally changed exactly one-third of the castle silverware into jello.
However, interesting skipped several steps straight to legendary when a skeletal creature crashed through the door. Twilight was still screaming, nearly drowning out Celestia's laughter. This would still have been within protocol 14c* of guarding Celestia's chamber if not for the pegasus wrapped around the skeleton’s tail as it fled; his expression had reached the perfect balance of unrestrained joy and terror normally found on a young foal's first dive bomb. Both guards looked at the scene and nodded to each other. They then smartly turned and left, but not before the older guard brought out a piece of paper and stuck it to the wall.

The paper was a standard guard form and calmly stated that the door guards had decided the situation was out of their pay grade and were utilizing a code 517 to go home for the day.**

*(Protocol 14c - Celestia has communicated with the 'secret' necromancer. Do not file on the official report.)

**(Code 517 - Princess is on site to control the situation and the guards have determined their presence is more likely to make the situation worse than improve it.)

Author's Note

Once again thank Guldane for editing and adding a few great jokes. Just so you know, wrapping up this little arc was heck in a handbasket. Enjoy!

A Family Hoard

Princess Luna was known by many titles. The Fallen Moon, Twice-Born, Dreamwalker, and her personal favorite from Ponyville: Best Princess. However, there was one title that only Celestia called her: the Paperwork Princess. Though Celestia had managed to hold things together without her, Luna had always been the one who actually enjoyed paperwork; once she had caught up with the modern government, she’d shouldered an increasing amount of the work. Normally, Luna relished this opportunity to outshine her sister, but today was an exception. She was currently browsing ancient texts on the dragon hordes for advice on how to handle a recent altercation in Manehattan; apparently, after leaving the employ of Tia’s accursed necromancer an undead dragon had decided to go on a quest for children. This had become something of an issue when she decided that the entire office of Manehattan’s First Bank and Trust were now her sons and daughters.

Luna had been present for the first round of negotiations, where the dragon had gleefully allowed the workers to leave once their work was done as long as they promised to eat a healthy dinner. However, one of the fools had mentioned he had kids. Negotiations broke down at the same time as the dragon broke down into tears - somehow - and cried about its grandbabies. The authorities had called a recess to try and figure out what in the name of the Maker was going on. Luna now sat in a private room in the local guard headquarters, trying to discover any legal precedent in Equestria for the situation. Making it harder, the dragon wasn’t actually breaking any laws. It was technically illegally roosting on the roof of the bank, but the bank's board of directors had approved it. This may have had something to do with the plate of cookies the dragon had brought them, but Princess Luna couldn't be sure.

She groaned as her head made a quick introduction to the desk. She grumbled incoherently for a few moments before speaking to herself. "This would be much easier to sort out if we had somepony to ask about the dragon. Up to now, she hast refused to even give us her name!" She paused, realizing it was possible for her to call Ragar; surely he would know the name of his former employee, and her sister had taught her the spell... She slammed her hoof down on the table. No, she wasn't going to resort to calling that damned necromancer. He was no better than Grogar with his... damned... amusement parks.

Luna sighed and cast the spell. Anypony who built amusement parks was impossible to consider an overlord of evil. She had hoped he would just appear before her, like he did with Celestia, but he had different plans. As Luna watched, deep smoke appeared in a corner of her room, obscuring it from sight in a thick cloud of choking darkness. She watched with a raised eyebrow as a pair of glowing red eyes appeared in the middle of the cloud. "WHO DARES SUMMON RAGAR, THE MASTER OF FORBIDDEN MAGICKS, THE WIELDER OF DISCORD’S DAMNATION, AND THE DAMNED DUKE OF DARKNESS!!!"

Luna continued her stare as the smoke settled, before a few strained coughs came from the image, followed by an ethereal bony hand waving the smoke away. "Note: smoke appears on both sides of the spell. One moment, joyous summoner." The smoke began dispersing with the sound of a broom being waved around, revealing Ragar. He was wearing a pair of blue pants, and a sleeveless T-shirt with some sort of golden-haired biped flexing outrageously on the front. He continued waving a broom around him as he noticed Luna. "Ah, Princess. How does life find you today?"

Luna let out a non-committal grunt. "It would find me better if one of your damnable dragons hadn't 'adopted' the local bank."

Ragar paused. "Oh, did Glean find a group of ponies to be her children? Tell Ragar she didn't try to trap them in the building!" He appeared genuinely worried, which caused Luna a small amount of confusion. He then paused, before waving his hand. "Oh. She is crying about possible grandbabies..." he turned to Luna. "Ragar has no clue what to do here."

Luna slapped her hoof to her head. "It's thine dragon! Dispel it or something."

Ragar flinched back, horrified. "Ragar could NEVER!! She is living a full and productive half-life. Killing her for a minor issue is both cruel and unnecessary."

Luna paused. She had always considered dispelling undead creations a kindness. But, after thinking on it for a moment, it did seem as if Glean was trying to live her life to the best of her ability. She sighed. "Thou art correct. We apologize, we are used to the undead being mindless abominations."

Ragar simply nodded. "Think nothing of it, princess. Ragar knows of your past experiences, and holds no ill-will from your suggestion."

Luna nodded towards him. She could see why Celestia tolerated him. He seemed to be reasonable, and was typically very honest with his knowledge; at least, she’d yet to catch him in a lie. She looked out her window to the dragon who had finally calmed down and was coiling around the top spire to roost for the night. "Ragar, what would you suggest?"

Ragar rubbed a finger across his chin bone for a moment and then shrugged. “Honestly? Ragar says to just leave her. Glean will protect her adopted children, and she doesn't need to eat. Ragar will make sure to check on her every so often to make sure she's comfy."

Luna shrugged. She was missing her newest niece's wedding for this, so a quick return to Canterlot might allow her to at least enjoy the reception. "Very well. We shall take your suggestion, Ragar." She still had one question, though. "If we may, why did you allow her to leave?"

Ragar stared at her as if she had just asked him why Equus was round. "Because she asked." He held a hand to his chest as if wounded. "Ragar is many things, but he is no slave driver. Glean asked for a chance to find a family in Equestria. After a very nice lunch meeting Ragar told her that Manehattan was beautiful this time of year, but she could go wherever she liked."

Luna nodded and looked over to Glean, curled up atop the bank's roof. "Indeed. We shall admit, thou art very different than we imagined."

Ragar's jaw dropped into a grin. "NYEHEHEHEHE! THE EVIL MASTER OF DARKNESS IS NEVER WHAT ONE IMAGINES!"

Luna let out a small smile. "Undoubtedly. We shall take our leave now. We art hoping to arrive in Canterlot in time to enjoy our niece's reception."

Ragar nodded. "Do not worry, the changeling invasion should delay things enough for you to get there in time. Ragar managed to sneak a look at the ceremony during all the hubbub. It was beautifully done." Luna nodded, dismissing the call without a thought.

The guard headquarters in Manehattan was having a surprisingly quiet night. With the dragon at the bank, even the criminals had decided there was enough excitement for one day. Apparently, Princess Luna had missed the memo. Walking Beat had been about to bring her a new batch of paperwork when he heard a loud crash from her room. "CHANGELING INVASION!?!" Another loud crash followed. He took a deep breath and counted to three before opening the door. The room was empty, with a hole in the roof giving him a subtle hint as to where his nocturnal princess had disappeared to. He sighed before slowly moving the paperwork onto Luna's desk.

"I need a raise." And with that, he turned around and left. He was off shift in five minutes. Today was not going to be the day he went through the paperwork for replacing a roof. He'd let the next guy handle it.

Author's Note

Well, another chapter up. Also due to a power outage this chapter was phone-posted. It almost hurt to do that. Many thanks to Guldane.

A Bone To Pick

Princess Cadence had been searching for her husband for two hours now. Though she still felt a warm tingle every time she thought about him finally being her husband, she could not deny that she was quite annoyed at his disappearance. He normally followed a strict schedule during work hours; always making the same rounds, following the same paths, and doing the same jobs. Granted, that was mostly to keep new guards from overworking themselves in fear of surprise captain ambushes, but still. It made her waiting to surprise him outside his office confusing when she eventually got bored and wandered inside to find it vacant. She was now searching the various tea rooms in case Shining had been the victim of a Princess-tier kidnapping. She entered Celestia's private tea room, eyeing it suspiciously for any sign off her beloved. Her eyes paused on an envelope with her cutie mark crudely sketched on it in Shining’s trademark lack of style. She smiled as she opened it to read the note, but then frowned. "What?"

The note was short and simple; it explained that Ragar had asked him for help in a quick experiment, and Celestia was supposed to let Cadence know where he’d gone. The note had been left to stop Cadence from worrying when Celestia inevitably decided it would be funnier to have her wander around the castle looking for her husband. She stomped over to the orb in the corner and angrily flicked it with her magic, causing piano music to fill the room. She glared at the orb until it eventually snapped into the shape of Ragar, completely clad in a rubbery, bright yellow outfit aside from a transparent faceplate that revealed his skull. He smiled and waved. "Greetings, fair Princess of Love. Ragar just sent young Armor back to Canterlot. How can the MASTER OF EVIL help you?"

Cadence gave Ragar a hard stare. "How about we start with you explaining why you stole my husband WITHOUT TELLING ME!" She pointed an accusatory hoof at him, shaking in barely restrained anger.

Ragar flinched from her, covering his shielded face. "PLS NO KILL! Ragar simply needed a portion of the changeling queen’s magic from the leftover spells on Shining Armor." Cadence paused; she hadn’t even known there were leftover spells on her husband. Ragar slowly stood back up when there were no further outbursts, but then flinched a second time at the sound of a small explosion. "Oh, it seems the flesh-eating liquid reacts explosively to oxygen." There was a second, much wetter-sounding explosion, followed immediately by Ragar’s outfit being splattered with purple goo. "Twice. Ragar didn't know something could explode twice."

Cadence stared, dumbfounded, as the ooze started slowly eating through his outfit. Ragar watched with interest as it sank to the floor, leaving his suit in tatters; not content to stop there, it began hissing on contact with the stone. Her rage forgotten, Cadence spoke up. "Are you okay?"

Ragar straightened up. "What? Yes, Ragar is fine. He had to fight off a group of vicious foals only a few weeks ago, it will take more than acid to keep him down."

Cadence reverted to Celestia’s tried and true method for actually continuing conversations with Ragar: ignore the strangeness and move forward. "Okay then. Where is my husband?"

Ragar paused, before waving his hand at something Cadence couldn't see. "Ragar sent him back with Pointy. He should be arriving momentarily." Cadence stared at Ragar with annoyance for a moment before hearing the telltale tapping of whatever skeletal horror Ragar had sent with her husband. She turned and saw... IT. The bird that had led her in a merry chase across the castle while it kept her from her gifted book. The fact that Shining Armor was sitting in a saddle on its back did little to abate her rage. "YOU!!"

Ragar watched with interest as Cadence angrily stomped towards his skeletal bird. Pointy looked between Cadence and Ragar for a moment, then sprinted away from the window. Cadence bolted after him, the soft glow of her horn dragging the image of Ragar along behind her. "GET BACK HERE WITH MY HUSBAND, YOU BAG OF BONES!"

Ragar watched with amusement as Pointy ran through the gardens, Cadence hot on his heels. He couldn’t really take the time to examine anything as Cadence chased after Pointy, but he waved to the guards as they raced past and idly watched as Cadence lost Pointy briefly near the garden maze. Cadence paused and took flight, quickly reacquiring her target with her birds-eye view. Pointy was sprinting for all he was worth, and though cassowaries can reach rather impressive speeds Pointy could not match the speed that the perturbed pink pony princess could fly. As Cadence closed in she reveled in her imminent victory, until Ragar spoke up. "Ragar wonders where Pointy put Captain Armor."

She froze mid-flight as the lack of a saddle on the skeletal nuisance registered; Pointy took the opportunity to escape, disappearing deep into the hedge maze. Cadence began flicking her head side to side. "Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh. Where did he go!?" She began rising and falling, trying to hunt down where the bird had dropped off her husband. Eventually, she turned to Ragar, who was apparently enjoying his impromptu trip through the gardens and had been inspecting a statue of Celestia that Cadence had been hovering near. "You, where's Shining Armor?"

Ragar looked to her, shrugging. "Ragar will admit that he does not know, exactly. At the time Pointy was supposed to drop him off, Ragar was distracted by a pair of guards having a lovely romantic walk."

Cadence froze. "You knew when it was going to drop off Shiny?"

Ragar nodded. "Of course, but since you took me out of the palace while using the messenger spell Ragar was enjoying the view."

Cadence paused. It made sense that Ragar would take the opportunity to look at areas of the castle that he rarely, if ever, got to see; he was clearly enjoying it. That said, of all the times to get distracted! Wait, he’d said it was a pair of guards... "That's it!"

Ragar looked towards her again, but was abruptly obscured by smoke billowing up from his ethereal floor. As it covered the image she heard his voice. "What's it?"

Cadence resisted the urge to check on Ragar as she focused her magic, keeping Ragar there for a chewing out later. "The couple you saw, I can track their love!" Quickly focusing her magic, she sensed a few trails that could be the couple. Choosing the one that seemed the most recent, she flew after it with abandon. As she neared the source of the love, she heard a hacking cough behind her that made her slow her flight to look at the image. Ragar's manifestation was now almost completely encased in black smoke, though she could still see a single yellow-gloved hand waving around in the smoke.

Ragar’s voice echoed oddly through the smoke. "Jeeves, take note. The substance reacts with whatever is below me by spewing black smoke! We may have reached a breakthrough!" Cadence stared in utter confusion as a snap echoed across the garden, and the smoke vanished. What little remained of Ragar's yellow suit was now burned at the edges; despite that, he seemed proud of himself. "Jeeves, we've done it! Whatever it mixed with gave the perfect reaction for the reagent we need!"

Cadence continued staring for a moment as Ragar began to do a silly little dance before resuming her flight. She could puzzle out whatever Ragar was doing later. When she reached the end of the trail she indeed found a pair of guards, laughing at something hidden from her view by a large bush. She landed beside them, producing a few loud clops. "Excuse me, you two, I'm looking for someone. Have you seen Captain Armor around here?"

Both ponies laughed without turning. "Yeah." Said one "I dunno what he was doing, but I don't think it ended the way he planned." Cadence peeked over their shoulders. There was her Shining Armor, still on his saddle. His eyes were whirling about in his head, and as he moved his hooves to try to escape, he was instead slowly entangling himself in the bush. She smiled at the display and turned to Ragar.

Before she could say anything she was blinded by a flash of light. Blinking away her blindness, she saw Ragar holding a camera. Before she could comment he snapped a bony finger, ending the call. She huffed at the annoyance; she had wanted to complain at him again for foalnapping Shiny, but she supposed it was fine now. She smiled at the sight of her husband, then at the two guards in front of her. A new couple to watch and her husband safely returned; the day was looking up.

Author's Note

As always, thanks to Gyldane for editing, and thanks to all painkillers. Since machine at work popped of my finger life has been much easier with them, and now that they're gone I can think again. Woohoo.

A Very Merry Hearth Warming

Twilight Sparkle grunted as she rolled over in her bed. She was awake, but there were a couple reasons she didn't want to actually greet the day. One, her alarm clock hadn't gone off yet. While the little piece of clockwork was often her mortal nemesis, it was stalwart in its purpose to wake her up exactly on schedule; the only thing worse than getting out of bed was getting out of bed early. Two, the sun wasn't shining through her window; the only light seeping through her eyelids was the flickering glow of torches. She thought about that for a moment, wondering why there would be torchlight in her little Ponyville library.

Her eyes snapped open as she added ‘getting out of bed somewhere different than where you went to sleep’ to the list.

She was, sadly, not in her home. The first hint to this was the torches mounted on the stone walls. The second clue was the jail cell her entire bed was in. She bolted up, staring at her surroundings. The cell was large. Large enough for six beds to fit inside it comfortably. Twilight looked in horror at each of the beds in the room. The soft silks of Rarity's sheets caught her eye before the rough cotton of Applejack’s quilt distracted her. Sure enough, every single one of her best friends was stuck in the cell with her.

She did the first thing that popped into her mind and screamed. Her friends all scrambled awake, falling from their beds and in one case, flying straight up and hitting the ceiling with such force the stone cracked. Rainbow's voice broke through the silence that invaded the room. "What the buck, my house doesn't have a stone roof."

The friends didn't speak as they took note of their cell, instead falling into the habits gleaned from fighting evil for the past few years. Fluttershy silently hid behind Rainbow, looking over her head as Twilight ran a few diagnostic spells. Applejack began poking at the walls as Rarity inspected the bars. When they all finished their inspection Twilight broke the silence. "We're locked in with dark magic, but it's weak. There's enough Solar magic wherever we are that I could probably break it in a few minutes, but the pony that cast it would know as soon as I started."

A voice seemed to come from the ceiling. "If they were half the wizard Ragar was, they would feel it when you started the diagnostic!" There was a pause as Twilight looked around in abject horror before a cough came from the ceiling, followed by a skull sinking through the solid stone. "Erm, also if you could play along for the next hour or so, Ragar would be most appreciative. Hearthswarming for Canterlot is on the line."

The ponies stared in confusion as Ragar's head spun around, looking at each of them. After a moment he spoke again. "Could you all move together, Ragar can't decide who to look at."

The group all slowly moved to center on Twilight, who was still focused on the idea of one of her mentor’s oldest friends kidnapping her. "Ragar, you can't just kidnap us for no reason!"

Ragar's skull nodded. "Of course not! Ragar kidnapped you to save Hearthswarming. The fact that Ragar is the one who stole it has no bearing on the matter. Fear not! A warrior foretold by legend will arrive soon to free you. Also, there are fake versions of your elements under each of your beds. If you would kindly put them on, the warrior will be here soon; Ragar must prepare his final boss room for your arrival. Ragar put it off for far too long, and Black Sun has been less than helpful after I told him I put you all in a cell. He is grumpy about missing some meeting this morning."

Twilight stared at the skeleton. "He was meeting me for breakfast! We were going to head to Canterlot this afternoon and meet with Celestia!"

Ragar paused. "Oh, well then Ragar has saved you the train fare, as we're already in Canterlot! Ragar's plans are even more brilliant than he thought!" The skull ascended through the roof, with his trademark laugh following behind him.

Applejack leaned into Twilight's ear. "Erm, Sugarcube? Did that there mess of bones just say he stole Hearthswarming?"

Twilight slapped a hoof to her face. "Yes, he did. Everyone, just... play along. Ragar is mostly harmless. He just does things without thinking."

Fluttershy moved to her bed, reaching under it for the false version of her element. "Is he the one who makes those theme parks scattered around Equestria? I think I remember visiting the Zoo of Ragar when I was younger."

Rarity was the one to answer, surprising the rest of the group. "Oh yes, Darling. The nobility has all sorts of theories about him. If the rumors are to be believed, he's an immortal like Celestia, but nobody knows the details. Rumors ranging from him being a scorned lover to a secretive warlord fly around the palace with more regularity than the guards."

Twilight stared at Rarity before shaking her head, dispelling the fact she had never heard those rumors during her time in Canterlot. "Er, yes. He also apparently has Celestia's permission to study black magic. Also, I think he's completely insane, if harmlessly so. Some ponies claim otherwise, but I don't buy it."

Applejack shrugged, grabbing her own fake from its spot. "Well then, guess it can't hurt to play along. Who do you figure this lost warrior is?"

Before any of the group could voice their thoughts, hoofsteps began to sound through the hall. A young voice cut through the dungeon. "Stupid dad, going away on a business trip, stupid wizard stealing stupid Hearthswarming when I don't even get to celebrate. Why do I have to be the stupid hero to save it?"

The girls paused at the young voice before moving to the cell bars, looking down the hallway to find the foal who was obviously the hero Ragar had mentioned. They saw a simple colt with mustard-colored fur and orange mane grumbling as he walked down the hallway. Rarity was the first to act, catching on to Ragar's plan as soon as she saw the foal frowning at the floor. "Oh my! We're saved, the hero has finally arrived!"

The foal froze, staring at the cell. His eyes seemed to widen, staring at the famous heroes of Equestria. "YOU'RE THE ELEMENTS OF HARMONY! OH MY GOSH, OH MY GOSH, OH MY GOSH. YOU GUYS BEAT DISCORD!" He began making complicated hoof gestures while sitting down. "HE WAS ALL LIKE RAWR AND THEN YOU WENT PEW PEW AND SHOT HIM WITH A FRIENDSHIP LASER!"

Rainbow Dash smiled, hovering behind the bars. "Yeah, that's totally us. But we're kinda on a schedule kid. Think you could let us out real quick?"

The foal nodded. "YEAH!" He sprinted up to the cell, pulling it open while smiling like a madmare. He was jumping in place by the time the mares walked out and nearly fell when Pinkie began matching his jumps to look him in the eyes. "HI I'M PINKIE PIE, ARE YOU HERE TO HELP US BEAT THE MEANIE WHO STOLE HEARTHSWARMING?"

The foal nodded, keeping his bounces in rhythm with the pink pony. "UH-HUH, I'M GILDED CROWN! I GOT VISITED BY A GHOST WHO TOLD ME TO SAVE HEARTHSWARMING AND SENT ME DOWN HERE!"

Pinkie Pie nodded. "So you know what way to go then?"

Crown nodded. "YEAH, C'MON!!" with that, he ran down the hallway, with the six mares following closely behind. They had very few interruptions; the only thing that even tried to stop them were badly painted cardboard cutouts in the shape of Windigos. However, the final door did stump them. Crown stared at it with a grimace. "Oh come on! There's not even a handle!"

Twilight paused as the whispered voice of Ragar seemed to come from right beside her. "Only the Hero of Hearthswarming could ever open that door. One who truly knows that Hearthswarming is inside the heart, not the decorations."

Twilight looked around, seeing only empty air, before she fully caught on to what Ragar said. With a meaningful nudge at Rainbow Dash she sat down. "Oh no, without the decorations, Hearthswarming is ruined!"

Rainbow looked between Twilight and the door for a minute, before playing along. "Yeah, I bet the awesome new Scooter I got for Scootaloo is still in there too!"

AppleJack looked at them confused, before finally getting the hint. "How can I celebrate Hearthswarming without the Apple family fruitcake recipe?"

Rarity went into the act fetlock deep, swooning backward into Twilight's hooves. "Why, without my newest outfits, however will I make Hearthswarming truly memorable?!"

Fluttershy didn't say anything, instead looking dejectedly at the floor. Seeing his heroes losing hope, Crown did the only thing a foal could; try to make them feel better. "That's not true at all." He moved to the door, pushing it as hard as he could. "As long as we keep trying, we can't lose. Besides, Hearthswarming is about being friends, all the gifts and stuff aren't important! It's about being with people you love!" The door moved an inch, and his grin exploded. "See, if we all work together we can open this door super-easy!"

Twilight moved Rarity aside and began pushing beside him. "You're right, Crown. As long as we hold Hearthswarming deep in our hearts, it'll be there forever." The other mares moved forward, each one opening the door more and more until finally the door creaked open. Revealing the most decorated room to ever exist.

Every single decoration from the city of Canterlot was festooned about the room. Hearthswarming logs were stacked to the ceiling of the vaulted chamber, tinsel covered every inch of the walls, and stacks of gifts covered the entire floor except for a small path that led to a lone figure in the center of the room. It was a pony with pure green hair making up his spiky mane, the red and white suit covering his midriff a jarring contrast to the rest of him. He was smiling a devilish grin as he looked over his haul. When he spoke it was in a dulcet tone that would have been beautiful if not for the sinister edge it carried. "I've done it! All of Hearthswarming is here. Without all the decorations, I won't have to deal with all those incessant noises they make! The ringing bells, the happy cheers, those stupid carols that flood from the streets into my marvelously miserable home."

Crown didn't seem to need the hint, and cleared his throat. "The fire of friendship lives in our hearts. As long as it burns, we cannot drift apart. Though quarrels arise, their numbers are few, laughter and singing will see us through. We are a circle of pony friends. A circle of friends we'll be to the very end."

The figure turned, staring at the group with malice in his eyes. "Foolish foal, with all these Hearthswarming decorations I am to powerful for even the Elements to stop! I, Gragar, am unbeatable!"

Suddenly, from vents barely visible through the tinsel, a tune came out. "As dawn shines on us every morn. The fire of friendship is reborn, and all the friendships we have made. We cherish in every way."

'Gragar' paused, looking to the vents. "Impossible, without the decorations and gifts Hearthswarming is cancelled! How could they possibly be singing?"

"Loyalty binds us and makes us strong
Honesty shows that we belong
And kindness shared will unite us through each day

The fire of friendship lives in our hearts
As long as it burns, we cannot drift apart
Though quarrels arise, their numbers are few
Laughter and singing will see us... through"

Twilight stepped up, smirking. "You’re wrong, Gragar. Hearthswarming isn't about all those silly gifts and decorations. Gilded Crown showed us the truth."

Gilded Crown’s eyes grew three sizes as he stared at his hero. Rainbow Dash flew up, her element appearing to glow. "Yeah, Hearthswarming is all about friends and family, and as long as we have all that, you can't stop us."

Gilded watched as all of the fake elements began glowing. The looked at the elements with confusion for a moment before they all grinned at each other, getting into position as if they were about to use their actual relics. Rarity was the one to deliver the finishing line. "And with our new friend, we can put an end to your evil deeds!"

And with that, the elements fired. A magical beam of rainbow energy flew from the young ponies, hitting Gragar full force. As the energy flew into him he let out a shriek. "NOOOOO!" The energy faded, leaving an apparently unharmed Gragar in their wake - at least, until a rainbow-tinted pool started spreading from his hooves. "Ah, I'm melting! My pure evilosity has been used against me for dramatic purposes." He began flailing as he collapsed into goo. "If only I had accepted the magic of Hearthswarming! Or moved someplace else. HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN?" Finally, his head sank into the pool. The six mares and colt stared for a moment before the voice called out one more time. "Blarg, I am dead."

The group jumped as yet another gust of rainbow flew through the chamber, causing all the decorations to fly from the room; when the holiday torrent died down, a very worried stallion was left in their place. He looked back and forth desperately before his eyes fell on Gilded Crown. "Crown?" Before the mares even had time to comment the stallion ran towards the colt, sliding to a stop with a hug. "I heard you went on some quest to stop some creature who stole the town's decorations! And then I couldn't find you. I swear to Celestia I'm not leaving you alone ever again!"

Twilight smiled as a soft sob came from behind her. She wasn't even surprised to see the face of 'Gragar' behind her. The green fur slowly faded, leaving only a blank skull. A napkin was held in a bony hand, dabbing at the dry skull. "Ragar loves happy endings."

Twilight smiled, tapping the skull with a hoof. "Me too, Ragar. Happy Hearthswarming."

Ragar nodded. "And a Merry Christmas to you too. Ragar is glad you played along, and when you meet Black Sun he has gifts for all of you from Ragar." Twilight raised an eyebrow, but before she could comment Ragar left.

She smiled as the rest of her friends walked up to introduce themselves to the stallion holding their new friend. After a moment she realized something. "What's Christmas?"

Author's Note

Thanks to Guldane for edits, and a very merry Christmas, Quanza, Hannukkah, or misc holiday I don't remember. Now I have to go kiss some hands and shake some babies to avoid family drama. With all my love.

-Some guy who writes horse words.

Two Necromancers Accidently a Town

Celestia was having a decidedly bad day; one of her towns had effectively been enslaved, and she hadn’t done anything at all to help. She would have responded if she hadn’t assumed the first report was a joke. She was gobsmacked that a single unicorn, even with the Alicorn Amulet, could manage to conquer an entire town that was just a day’s ride from her own capital. So when Twilight eventually delivered her the unicorn in question she asked several pointed questions. Of course, when she asked who had taught the young prodigy all her plans went out the window.

And so here she was. Angrily sipping tea while a very embarrassed unicorn sat across from her, staring at the orb in the corner while deciding on a course of action. After finishing what she had to guess was her fifth cup of tea she spoke. "Trixie, how often does Ragar send you to get artifacts?"

Trixie shuffled on her seat like a filly sent to the principal's office. "Uhm, Trixie gets sent to ruins and places of interest frequently. Ragar prefers Trixie to use the spells he teaches her in practical environments."

Celestia nodded, still staring at the orb. So Ragar hadn’t sent an inexperienced young filly to retrieve a dangerous relic. However, he also hadn’t warned Celestia he was bringing such a dangerous artifact into her country. Black Sun had visited just a week ago, too; his failure to warn her meant he should also get a talking to. Celestia sighed, before sending a sliver of energy to the orb. It rang for a moment before Ragar appeared in view.

Celestia was used to the surreal and outlandish outfits Ragar would don in his strange experiments, but even so this one was notable. Ragar was in a blue business suit with a red tie gracing his spinal column, his black shoes shined to perfection. Atop his skull was a wig of what looked like plastic hair, slicked straight back. Celestia took a moment to appreciate the obvious care in his outfit before speaking. "Ragar, I think there's something we need to discuss."

Ragar nodded stiffly, his apparent business-like demeanor raising an eyebrow from both Trixie and Celestia as he retrieved a briefcase from outside the view of the orb. Without a word he placed it in the air, where it floated in place as he opened it. "Of course, your honor; we may begin the trial."

Celestia paused. What trial? She was just going to ask him about his apprentice, but now he was acting like a lawyer. "Ragar, there isn't a trial goin-"

Ragar threw a bony claw in the air. "OBJECTION!!" Ragar ran a hand over his plastic hairdo. "You are holding Ragar's apprentice after she has committed a criminal act. Therefore, Ragar is her defense lawyer. It is the way of the law."

Celestia paused. She slowly turned to look at Trixie. Trixie was staring with abject horror at Ragar as her mentor did... whatever he was doing. Celestia refilled her teacup yet again and momentarily debated adding something stronger to it. "Ragar, we aren't having a trial. I am simply trying to find out why your apprentice was transporting a dangerous artifact through Equestria without a permit." There was a pause, and Celestia continued. "Also why you never told me you had an apprentice."

Ragar paused for a moment, before looking into his briefcase again. Celestia sighed and cradled her head in her hooves as Ragar fumbled through paperwork; he looked very official, but the pony drawn in crayon she could see on the sheet of paper he was examining ruined it. Finally, Ragar put down the paper. "According to Royal Order #347, no mage, be they pony or other, are required to report their apprentice to any authority until the apprentice wishes to take the qualification test for national status." Ragar put the paper down. "And Ragar did not tell you he asked her to retrieve a dangerous artifact because Ragar thought she would be another week."

Ragar clasped his hands together before making eye-contact with Trixie. "Which would have been accurate if SOMEpony hadn't used the amulet to teleport home faster in order to impress her teacher."

Trixie flinched under Ragar's glare, but Celestia cleared her throat, moving the focus back to her. "Be that as it may, there are several laws I would request you follow in the future; could you perhaps hear me out?"

Ragar paused, then dived back into his briefcase to pull out a small portfolio. He stood up fully while reading it. "According to Equestrian law, Ragar has the option to see both the artifact in question and the defendant; I can already see Trixie, but would it be possible to show the Amulet to Ragar?"

Celestia began rubbing her eyes with a wing. "Ragar, this is sadly not the first time I've had to talk legal precedents with you. Last time you teleported in every book of Equestrian law and read them out loud. A dangerous artifact was transported through my land without any safety measures, and was the cause of a number of crimes; it will be confiscated."

Ragar sighed. "Well, Ragar guesses he didn't really need it any longer anyway. So Ragar gifts you the amulet in good faith." Celestia paused as Ragar flipped out another sheet of paper. "Ragar will make all employees sit through a safety presentation and leave the Alicorn Amulet in your very capable care. In exchange, Ragar expects..." Black smoke spilled out from under Trixie, and Ragar threw off his wig. "Book it, Trixie! Ragar got through the wards again!"

Celestia resisted the urge to smile as Trixie looked around in confusion, black smoke rising up around her. Trixie's head bounced between Ragar, the smoke, and Celestia. She barely managed to stammer out an apology before the smoke covered her. "Oh buck, sorry Princess!"

Celestia turned to look at Ragar, who was awkwardly staring back. "Uhm, Ragar's dramatic timing is off. One moment, princess." He tapped his bony fingers on the briefcase as they continued their awkward staredown. Ragar started whistling as a smoke cloud appeared and began to rise to pony height. Celestia took a moment to marvel at that. Ragar had no lips and no lungs. And yet, his jaw was slightly opened and was letting some dithering tune out. She watched as Ragar finished his tune and shrugged at her. "What? The powers of Jeopardy always make spells finish faster!"

As soon as Ragar finished his sentence the smoke blew away, leaving behind a terrified Trixie.

Ragar patted Trixie's head. "Welcome home, Trixie! Ragar missed you, especially since Black Sun has wandered off again." Ragar paused. "Oh, and we have to adjust your lesson plan. Ragar didn't think you would travel that fast, even with Sombra's folly hooked to your neck. Ragar is certainly proud of your progress!"

Trixie seemed torn between smiling at the praise and blanching at the horror of being teleported from Celestia's side while she was technically still in trouble. She looked between Celestia and Ragar for a moment before sighing. "Thank you, lord. May Trixie apologize to Princess Celestia?"

Ragar tilted his head. "Can it wait? Ragar will give you a couple weeks off once he sucks that corruption out of your head. While Ragar is curious what it would do, using you as a test subject would be rude." Ragar paused. "Though, Ragar could make a copy to house the corruption and check the changes in its brain."

Ragar began pacing, as Trixie jumped up in front of him. "LORD! You can't say such things in front of the Princess!"

Ragar patted her head again, barely seeming to notice her words. Celestia felt her lips quirk upwards by a hair. Ragar didn't seem to notice this either. Instead, he began to idly pet Trixie's fur, like one would run their hooves through their mane while thinking. "Of course, that brings more moral quandaries. Would it still be ethical to create a copy of a brain purely to watch it fall to corruption? Would Ragar technically be a father again if he made this new life?" Ragar froze as if struck by a spear. "RAGAR LET HIS CHILD FALL TO CORRUPTION! HOW COULD RAGAR BE SO CRUEL!!"

Ragar collapsed to his knees, a sobbing noise coming from his bony face. Trixie looked between Ragar and Celestia again, before tapping his back with a hoof. "There there, lord." Trixie seemed to pause. "Trixie would like to ask, you are aware you didn't actually do that yet. Right?"

Ragar sobbed twice more, before pausing. "Wait a moment. YOU ARE RIGHT!" Ragar jumped back up. "Ragar did not commit such a monstrous act, thank you Trixie."

Celestia sighed, not even bothering to hide her smile. "Ragar, while I do so love hearing about your experiments, we do still have the matter of the safe transport of dangerous magical artifacts. Can you at least be sure to warn me when you’re transporting an artifact that can cause the downfall of cities through my nation? At this point, I'm worried you already have a few in your home."

Ragar waved his hand. "Of course Ragar does. Stasis locks keep the vile magics at bay quite well. But yes, Ragar will send you warnings. And make Trixie sit through the POWERPOINT OF HEALTH AND SAFETY STANDARDS! One of Ragar's tour guides has been improving it for centuries; Ragar never listens."

Celestia knew she should try to get details on the artifacts Ragar mentioned, but she couldn’t help but be distracted. "Ragar, what is a powerpoint? And why does your tour guide use them?"

Ragar cocked his head to the side. "It is the most boring way to teach. Forsooth, 'tis a punishment most foul that Trixie will be forced to sit through." Trixie looked alarmed at this and began making a slow exit. It didn't work, as Ragar scooped her up. "And as to why a tour guide uses them... whenever Ragar asked he simply chuckles and then mumbles ‘soon’." Before Celestia could respond Ragar started leaving the room. "Now if you'll excuse Ragar, he has an exorcism to perform and then a tour guide to hunt down. Until next time, Tia" With that the spell ended and Ragar disappeared.

The guards outside the room were stoic. They were sure the necromancer was involved in whatever criminal acts the unicorn had committed and were on high alert, ready for whatever strange and otherworldly antics would come from the room. After almost an hour of waiting, Celestia left the room alone, a smile on her face as she hummed a tune that the guards found unfamiliar. As soon as it finished a servant walked up. "Princess, there is a strange gift basket in your room. It came with this note."

Princess Celestia read the note and smiled. "Ah, it appears the song is magical after all! Get together three scholars; Ragar has sent us a game."

A Lone Intruder

Last Chance was not a complex pony. He liked good drinks, good food, and good company. To fund his love of fine things he had pursued a line of work which provided plenty of wealth: tomb raiding. He used some of the money gained by his “explorations” to buy more and better equipment; which allowed entry into even wealthier tombs, which meant even more money. Sure, some of the more noble adventurers would say selling his finds to the highest bidder was “immoral”, but he didn’t really care as long as it paid. If he was the one who put in the effort to find an untouched ruin, then he got to decide what happened to the stuff inside it. Like he was about to do with the sunken city of Innsmare; thought lost for centuries, the last bastion of the Siren race was under his hooves. Just the wealth on display in the entry chamber he’d managed to find would more than pay for his troubles! He lifted his breathing mask with a smile. "Well well, lookee here. I see emerald necklaces, gold statues, and even pretty paintings."

He looked over the room, filled with artifacts of bygone eras, but paused abruptly. A sign hung above the door to the next room, obviously a recent addition; after all, the sirens hadn’t been known to use tape. In bold letters it said. "Be warned: This is a hard hat area. Please take a helmet from the rack on the other side of the door before proceeding." Beside the text was an oddly proportioned skull wearing an orange hard hat with a skeletal thumb pointed up. Last Chance stared for a moment before moving to peek through the doorway.

Sure enough, there was a rack with several rows of hard hats sitting just inside the door. Last Chance stared for a moment before muttering. "Geez, obvious ruin trap is obvious. Even if it is weird." He took a step forward and began looking around, only to quickly roll backward when one of his tools warned him he’d triggered a magic sensor. Unfortunately, he wasn’t quick enough to dodge something hitting him in the head and tumbling to the floor - though it was far lighter than he’d expect from a trap. Examining the object, he found only an empty cardboard box. "What in Tartarus?"

A male voice spilled from the hard hat rack. "Recorded message begins." The voice paused for a moment, and Chance flinched as Celestia's voice spilled from the rack. "Silly pony, where's your hard hat?"

Chance stared at the rack before sighing and donning a hard hat. "If the princess calls me a silly pony, who am I to argue? Let's get to the bottom of this." With that, he stepped into the hallway.

As Last Chance explored the ruins he was constantly resisting the urge to salivate. Long lost treasures abounded in every hall and through every room. He passed several ancient gems, numerous befuddling carved stone tablets, and mounds of coins. Last Chance smiled as he reached a large set of double doors. Several of the doors had signs hanging above their frames, but this one was different. Instead of cartoonish advice or strange warnings, this one simply said said NO ENTRY, with the only decoration being a strange sigil on the door itself. If there was this much treasure in the more accessible areas, what wonders were behind the first doors he’d seen actually forbidding entry?

There were a number of handicaps Last Chance needed to use tools to overcome; though being an earth pony had its perks, being able to identify whether or not a sigil was a defensive spell or a decoration was beyond his natural abilities. Pulling out a monocle, he held it over one eye and looked over the door. After a moment, he smiled. "A simple lock spell. Luckily, a good raider is always prepared." He took off the monocle, placing it back in his bag before pulling out a wooden stick with a knot at the end. Holding it in his teeth, he moved to the door and calmly knocked three times. A black glow enveloped the sigil, and Chance held his breath as the door opened with a click.

Inside the room were four plinths, with a statue of a strange bipedal creature atop each. The first was large and imposing, the model posed as if defending against a threat. It wore simple iron armor, though there were strange etchings covering the surface. Its face was molded in primal joy, teeth clenched in a fierce grin. Last Chance looked it over, trying to place the engravings, but they didn't make sense. One was of a bipedal figure being hit by a large carriage, another the same figure falling off a bridge. At its feet were several objects he didn’t recognize. One was a small glass pane with a button at the bottom that shone as the light hit it. Beside it sat a set of keys with a small figure sitting primly on their ring. Finally, a strange object sat at the end that reminded Last Chance of Griffon crossbows. Near each item was a plaque.

Last Chance read them aloud, trying to figure out the secrets of the statues. "The tablet of knowledge. When charged, this item has libraries worth of books available at the touch of a finger." He paused. "The Tart's a finger? Anyways, the keys of hope. Wherever one of these keys fits shall be our true home. While our life may be different now, we will never stop searching for the way home." Last Chance stared at the keys. "Awfully sentimental... Okay, now for the one I'm most curious about." He turned his gaze to the last inscription. "And this is a freaking gun!"

Last Chance stared in annoyance. "Feh, that answers jack-diddly." He moved to the next plinth. It held an obviously female statue wielding a bow with a loosely nocked arrow. The statue was draped in a thick cloth covered with silver embroidery. The flowing script of the embroidery reminded him of the strange symbols of the hill folk in Southern Equestria. Her face was more serene than the last statue, the sharp features of the statue seeming to fight against her almost ethereal calm. Below its plinth sat three more items. One was a simple rectangular box with a camel embossed upon its cover. Another was a plush animal - a leopard, from the look of it. The last was a small pouch full of seeds.

Once again he read the plaques. "Death sticks. Strange artifacts that can provide a calming influence and make the user look cooler, but both addict and shorten the lifespan of the user. Shame follows every use." Last Chance raised an eyebrow. "Who'd be stupid enough to use those?" Moving to the next item Last Chance found the plaque a bit smudged. He ran a hoof over it to clean off the grime. "The Major. A true friend who has stood at our side for our entire lives. May his eternal vigil never falter." Last Chance looked at the plush animal. "Sentimental again. Is this a shrine of sorts, or maybe a mausoleum? I should probably take some photos before I move anything. It won't get me a huge profit, but I should be able to sell them to a museum or university." Finally, he moved to the third item. "Seeds from home. May we plant them only when we have truly found our way back."

The next plinth held another male statue. He wore no armor, just simple clothes. The shirt had short sleeves, and had a wolf portrayed on the front. He was kneeling, a red box with a white cross open in his lap. Beneath the wolf, words were printed: 'I hunt the things that go bump in the night'. Chance had a slight feeling and moved to the statue’s back. Sure enough, three sentences were on the back. 'There are wolves. There are sheep. I am the sheepdog.'

Last Chance considered the statue. "That seems like something some sort of guard would have, but the first statue matches a guard better." He rubbed his chin for a moment before heading back to look at the statue’s face. Taking a closer look, he saw pure determination. Its eyes were narrowed, and a large rag was held in its teeth. Looking towards the box he could see a needle in the statue’s second hand, a single drop of liquid at the end of it immortalized in stone.

Once again items stood at the base of the plinth. The first was a metal chain with two oval tags hanging from it. Its text was too small for Last Chance to try to read without disturbing the necklace. The second was a cracked plate of unknown make, almost broken in half by a powerful force. It seemed like the plate was a piece of armor, though he had no idea what had broken it. The third item was a scrap of paper. It was easily read, as it only had one word: Sin. Under the word was a collection of fifteen tally marks. Last Chance moved to the plaques, feeling as if fate itself was forcing him to look at these ancient lives.

He squinted his eyes, looking over the first plaque. "The Tags of Noble Sacrifice. This necklace denotes one who has signed on as a protector of our home. While many do not see the true tragedy this necklace can bring, our group has now seen true horror; may these remind us that our own home is not as blameless as we may believe." Last Chance shuffled away from the necklace. "Hello, probably cursed necklace, and goodbye." He moved to the next plaque. "The Broken Death. This piece of armor saved the life of our greatest healer. May it stand as a testament to the risks of our undertaking; even random chance may try to kill us. We must be vigilant." He moved to the final item. "The Tally of Sin. This shows the greatest sins of our healer. It is modeled after the brand he chose himself, etched into his skin. This is a reminder for us; may he never again be forced to pick up blade or bow."

Last Chance stared at the paper again. He was beginning to understand the statues a little, or at least this particular one. He moved to look at the last statue, of a little girl with a carefree smile on her face, but as he began to approach he was startled by a voice. "Who are you?" Last Chance jumped towards the source of the sound and saw death itself.

At the entryway was a skeleton. It wore a robe of solid black, and in its hand was a small bag. It was staring at Last Chance with an emotionless face. There had occasionally been creatures in the ruins he explored, but none had ever talked to him - especially when they looked dead. A single thought crossed his mind: this was HIS mausoleum. And Last Chance had broken the lock and wandered right in. The skeleton continued. "Once again, who are you? Who has entered Ragar's most personal sanctum?"

Last Chance unfroze and tried to think of a way out of this. Stalling for time, he bowed his head low. "I apologize! I didn't know that this ruin was inhabited. I am Last Chance, explorer and delver into the unknown."

Ragar looked over the pony. "Did you not see the sign? Ragar only barred one room, and several explorers have found his ruins before. Why did you break into the one room still locked?"

Last Chance suddenly felt less clever about his lack of communication with the other explorers. Sure, involving them might cut into his profits, but he wished he had been warned about... this. "I, I didn't know, I thought they were under preservation wards." He tried to think of some way to get out of this situation. He had gotten the lead on this place from a minotaur sage. Maybe that could help? "To be honest, I was told to come here." He paused again, trying to think of something to say that would ensure his safe passage home. "I-I think he was a friend of yours? He looked sort of like you, if you had skin."

Ragar paused. When he spoke again it was quiet, but filled with hope. "What did they look like? Where were they?"

Last Chance seized the opportunity, hoping to escape the situation with some smooth words. "Of course! He was about ten hooves tall and clothed in steel plate. I ran into him in Minos. He spoke crudely, and asked me to deliver a message to any who might be in the ruins."

The skeleton was so excited by this that it began spinning in place. "Oh, by the greatest boons of the world! Ragar's solitude might finally be broken! He has not seen any of his friends since before the vile curse that separated him from his own family." His spin turned into a dance. "Tell me, Mr. Chance, what did he say? What did he say?!"

Last Chance paused. This was not the reaction he had been hoping for. Perhaps the skeleton would let him leave if he said something suitably vague? "He said that if I ran across the ruler of the sunken city, to say." He cleared his throat, trying to make it sound deep and imposing. "Tell that old bag of bones that I'm traveling around, and he should hurry up and track me down."

As soon as his sentence finished, the spinning abruptly stopped. The voice that had been nearly laughing was now deathly still. "He said that? Word for word?"

Last Chance gulped. "Um, yeah. Is that not what you wanted to hear?"

Ragar turned slowly and set the bag down while staring into Last Chance's eyes. "Do you know much about how memory works when stuck under the effects of a long term healing spell?"

Last Chance paused but latched on to the conversation topic like a shipwrecked pony without a lifeboat. "No, though I've always had an academic interest in magic."

Ragar walked forward, the clacks of bone on the cold stone the only noise in the hall. "When someone is placed into a high power healing coma, they lose the memory of the last few hours of their life. Much like a pony who drinks too much, they will not remember what happened prior to needing such intense healing." Ragar paused at the stone guardian and raised a skeletal hand to touch the armor. "All but one of the people these statues are modeled are after are in such a coma. When they awaken they will find a notebook filled with a wealth of information, bar one fact. Can you guess what that fact is?"

Last Chance flinched as Ragar's head snapped to him. Empty eye-sockets betrayed no emotion as Ragar seemed to shine with power. "U-um, no sir."

Ragar's cloak exploded outwards as he flew through the air, closing the gap between them in an instant. "THERE IS NO MENTION OF ME TURNING INTO THIS DAMNABLE LICH! I WILL SHOW THEM MY STAINED SOUL MYSELF!"

He lifted Last Chance up by his throat with both skeletal hands and started to squeeze before a light sparked behind his eyes. Pausing, he held Chance off the ground with one hand and threw his other hand out. Black smoke rose from the floor, and from it a bestial hiss was heard. After a moment an alicorn with furless black skin emerged. His horn was shattered, though held together with magic. His wings were bat-like, but with numerous holes dotting their membranes. Where a normal pony would have a tail was a scorpion stinger, coiled back as if ready to strike. He opened his mouth as if to complain before seeing the morbid image in front of him. "Dad, what happened?"

Ragar seemed to waver in place, his skeleton warping. "This thief broke into my home and then had the gall to lie to me. Here, in this very room, he claimed to have seen one of my friends. Talk to me, son. Keep me from crushing his throat like a fragile glass tube as I so dearly want to."

The alicorn stepped closer and Last Chance’s eyes darted between the horrible alicorn and the terrifying skeleton. He was unsure which figure was scarier; the furious skeleton holding him by his throat or the monstrous alicorn looking over this scene and remaining calm - as if this was just an ordinary day. The alicorn put a hoof on Ragar's back. "Dad, she would never forgive you. Maybe a long time ago you would have killed him. But not now. Now you know a better way. Let him atone."

Silence reigned for a few moments, and then Last Chance felt a brush of hot air on his face. "You are right, son." Ragar dropped Last Chance like an empty sack. Before he even had a chance to regain his breath, let alone run, red smoke began to rise from the ground. No scream could gain purchase as the smoke flew into his mouth, nostrils, and ears. His body spasmed as the smoke flooded into him. The alicorn flinched, looking away. "That's... disturbing."

Ragar said nothing, instead simply staring. The spasms continued for several minutes before the body stilled as the smoke poured back out, coalescing into a small red orb floating in the air. With a wave of Ragar’s hand Last Chance’s body disappeared. He turned to the orb. "You are free to go wherever you wish. Nothing can see you, and nothing can harm you. I am the only one who can even communicate with you. Your punishment is simple. As you lied to me about one of my friends walking this world, you yourself will wander until that lie becomes the truth. If you bring me information about ruins or artifacts I have not yet discovered, I may reduce your sentence. Now go, and don’t come back for at least thirty years." The orb quickly flew off, leaving the hall quiet once again. Ragar walked up to the statue of the little girl and cradled her face with his hands. After a moment he collapsed to the ground, where he stayed as Black Sun trotted up and wrapped his father in his wings. The hall filled with quiet sobs.

Author's Note

Guldane managed to have a great idea that makes this whole thing a bit less dark and opens doors. Bow to our glorious overlord Guldane! I'm gonna have to play with the next chapter a bit, but enjoy this, it's a bit less comedy-centric but I hope you enjoy it either way.

Impossible Gifts and Unknown Tales

The private study of Princess Celestia was normally nothing less than pristine. That was not the case today. Instead of the normal visage of near-perfection that colored most of Canterlots marble towers, it was more akin to a university dorm room. Streamers from the party outside had seemed to spread into the room like a parasite, with a half-eaten cake resting on the table while a fork speared it like a sword in an ancient beast. Unbeknownst to most beings, Pinkie's special tar cake was also about as tough as an ancient beast, so the analogy was apt in more ways than one. There was also a large amount of confetti in a single corner of the room, in which Celestia and Twilight sat giggling over an old book. Twilight's voice began cutting through the laughter. "No way, he really did that?"

Celestia's melodic laughter almost redoubled. "Indeed, when Ragar first met me, he demanded an invasion of his lands." Celestia raised a hoof to her snout as she began beating back her laughter. "At the time I thought him little more than a particularly skilled batch of pranksters, I have only been happier to be proven wrong once in my life." She turned the page of the book with a flick of her hoof. "But that is much later in the story, and as a princess, I feel you should have a much fuller grasp of one of the only other immortal rulers in Equestria."

Twilight smiled. "Of course Prince- I mean, Celestia." Celestia let out a soft smile as she looked over the page they were on, giving Twilight a moment to ask questions. "So, does this journal contain every meeting you've had with Ragar?"

Celestia smiled. "No, these are simply the ones which I thought might be important or particularly amusing. I believe one of the later ones was added by Luna, but our goal is to perhaps publish them."

Only Twilight flinched as a high pitched cackling came from behind them. "Ah, Tia. Are you telling Twilight tall tales of Ragar's adventures?"

Celestia let out a short titter of laughter. "Is it Tia now Lord Ragar?" Celestia turned as Ragar's illusionary self was revealed to be reading over their shoulder. "And of course I am, every tale that involves you will inevitably be considered false, as the next chapter might show."

Ragar began fiddling with his hands. "Er, yes. Ragar may have gone through a hellion phase when he first met you..."

Celestia scoffed. "A 'hellion' phase Ragar? You stole books from my forbidden archives, and doodled in the margins! I had to spend a month cleaning them personally because normal ponies go mad reading them!"

Ragar almost flinched. "In Ragar's defense, Ragar tried to fix that. Unfortunately, Ragar could only make them cause ponies to go more insane..." Ragar paused, moving a sole finger to tap on his skull. "Which Ragar may have left on." Ragar suddenly snapped his fingers. "Yes, he did! Don't let ponies read those Princess, they may turn into scions of madness and insanity only assuaged by the smooth tones of our Lord and Savior!"

Twilight stared at Celestia as she smiled at Ragar, and found a question bubbling from her throat. "And who is that?"

Ragar paused, with his hunched stance seeming to fall slightly. "Er, Ragar had to put the entity in himself, the various dark magicks powering them demanded a stand-in. Ragar made it a joke he remembered at the time, but he can't remember, something about a carriage and a weapon... Ragar believes it was a powerful figure from long ago, now sadly lost to the ages."

Twilight glanced at Celestia, who also seemed to be curious at this new development, but put it aside. "Well Ragar, You don't need to worry. Keeping those tomes from ponies is the purpose of those archives after all. However, I must ask, for what reason have you decided to drop in today."

Ragar struck a pose, with a bony hand over his chest. "Celestia! You wound Ragar with your callous disregard for his empathy! There is a new princess and one who met Ragar before she got there. Ragar must show his utter respect for her ascension and also find a clear spot to teleport Black Sun to."

Twilight froze as Black smoke seemed to rise from the floor, a small cough began escaping from it as a light blue hoof began waving through the smoke. "Geez dad, could you not use the smoke for once?"

As the smoke faded as Black Sun slowly strode forward, waving the offensive gas out of his face. His white and black mane bobbed his head shook back and forth. The short cut of his mane making the bob seem more like a gentle wave. Ragar let out a loud bark of laughter, his bones cracking as he leaned back. "Of course not son, every villain must make a suitably dramatic entrance in order for the heroes to begin their preparations. It's in the rules!"

Twilight looked between Black Sun and Ragar. "Is it really in the rules? That seems like a rule designed to make you fail."

Ragar cackled as Black Sun managed to control his random coughs, shuffling his wings to reach under a wing. "Look Twi, don't think about what dad says too much, just sweep him under the same mental rug as Pinkie and smile, it's easier that way." Black Sun moved his head fully under his wing, pulling out a large package. "Plus dad and I have a gift for you, figured if you ever should get one, now's the time."

He threw his head to the side, and as Twilight grappled with the packaging, Ragar leaned in towards his son. "Ragar still has no idea how you ponies can talk while holding things in your mouth." Black Sun rolled his eyes as Raga looked at him expectantly. After a frustrated groan as Twilight realized her package couldn't be opened with magic, Black Sun spoke up. "Dad, I have no idea how we do the mouth thing, it just all works somehow."

Ragar groaned in unison with Twilight, if for very different reasons. "BUT THAT MAKES NO SENSE! Ragar has studied the mystic arts, Ragar has stood against heroes of renown and villains of infamy! One time, Ragar even managed to have a calm conversation with the Smooze, and let Ragar tell you, the Smooze is no conversationalist, how can nopony know how they speak while holding something in their mouth!"

Twilight let out an annoyed scream while Black Sun turned to his father. "Look, dad, as you've said to me multiple times; There are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy, so go have fun."

Ragar raised a finger but stopped as his jaw hung open a moment. "Touche. However, there is a fatal flaw in your plan, Ragar is already having fun! What a twist!" Ragar began cackling causing Celestia to join in while Black Sun adopted a cocky smirk.

The giggling stopped as Twilight's horn began to glow, forcing the party to pause and look at her. She stared in concentration as the package began to glow. After a moment she stuck her tongue out in concentration, prompting Celestia to lean towards Black Sun. "I can see why you think she's cute like this."

Black Sun's face exploded into red, and as he tried to sputter a response Twilight jumped up. "It has an unbreakable charm on it, how can I open it?"

Ragar laughed. "A little princess, have you not thought of asking it?" Twilight stared at Ragar with an expression that Celestia knew was an early reaction to meeting Ragar, before a pony realized how clever he truly was. She called it Ragaric, however, it did have a more common name. Most ponies would describe it as a 'are you freaking stupid' look. Twilight rolled her eyes and looked at the gift. "Would you please open?"

The packaging rolled back quickly, revealing a book bound in a hard wooden cover. In scrawling gothic text, the title was in a foreign text, and Twilight backed away as it began rewriting itself in front of her. She read aloud as soon as she could make out the words. "Ragar's Compendium of Myths Legends, and Folklore?"

Ragar leaned in, throwing an ethereal arm over Twilight. "Of course, Black Sun was adamant you would like it. This book contains every myth Ragar could remember, whether they be from Equestria or beyond. The legends of Grogar and the Rainbow Bridge, tease that it was. Or more foreign myths, the wonders of Zeus, the epics of Gilgamesh! All there for you to be the second pony to enjoy them all!" Ragar cocked his head to Black Sun. "And maybe the first pony to enjoy them."

Black Sun smacked a hoof to his head. "DAD! Can you not! Please?"

Ragar cackled. "It is a father's sacred duty to embarrass their children. Any father worth his salt will tell you the same."

Celestia rolled her eyes. "Ragar, stop embarrassing Black Sun, and while you're at it, why didn't you ever tell me all these stories."

Ragar paused, before shrugging. "Ragar never felt the need to share the tales, as well as some of them being hard to read. Though Ragar will forever remember the epic of BEOWULF!!"

Black Sun's ear twitched, and he reared up beside his father "BEOWULF!"

Both Twilight and Celestia stared as Black Sun slowly lowered himself to the floor. Silence reigned as Twilight looked between Ragar, Black Sun, and the book. After a moment of this silent staredown, the book was whipped open, as Twilight began muttering the word Beowulf over and over. When Celestia looked to Ragar to which he simply looked back. There was a tentative pause as if both parties had something they wanted to say before Ragar spoke. "Beowolf." And with that, his image disappeared.

Black Sun looked between where Ragar was and Celestia stood before sighing. "I swear, he's just a stupid teenager whenever you're around."

Author's Note

Thanks to Duke Lucifuge for editing this one.

A Tablet and Games

The magnificent tomb city of Innsmare was an excellent place for Ragar's newest lair. He wandered it happily, taking in the dark etchings, ruinous words, and shrines to dark gods that no mortal should lay eyes on. All in all, it was an excellent home for an evil necromancer. Ragar walked down one of the well-lit hallways with a hardhat and yellow vest on over his deep purple robe. He waved at passing skeletons in similar attire, most carrying heavy rebar or stone from place to place, while a few looked at blueprints all around them. Ragar smiled as he took note of it, before cheerfully speaking to himself. "Ragar loves his job."

A skeletal pony walked up, hardhat askance on his head and a sheaf of blueprints hooked into his saddlebags. "Lord Ragar, we have most of the park ready for our first batch of guests, but we have several issues we need your help with." Eagar tilted his skull, prompting the skeleton to float out a clipboard whit unhealthy green magic. "For one the portal to Nyalthotep the ancient one still randomly opens whenever he wants a player for the arcade machines you threw at him to keep him contained. The basin of fire randomly spurts and sets fire to the entire haunted house, and finally, the tower of unnatural shapes keeps folding in on itself. I think it happens whenever it makes an angle over about 700 degrees."

Ragar reached for the clipboard, glancing through it while scratching his skull underneath the hard hat. "Well, we can just make the elder god an attraction, perhaps a prize of chips if they manage to defeat him." He hmmed and hawed as he looked at the other two though. Ragar believes he will need to contact a subject matter expert on the other two cases though. Begin making the greatest arcade challenge you can! RAGAR THE MAGNIFICENT COMMANDS IT!!"

The worker nodded, grabbing the clipboard as he turned. "Whatever you say, boss."

***

Celestia sat down and calmly buried her face in a pillow before screaming. OF course her wandering student would return to Canterlot in person to deliver an artifact of Ragar's, and of course, it was infuriating. It swapped between Equestrian and another accent with astounding frequency. It also filled the entire Mages Tower with smoke whenever a researcher got close. Which was just... wonderful. It stated Ragar was going to come and borrow Celestia's tea, but that was easily proven false. The stone was roughly four thousand years old, so it obviously was lying. The fact it also changed the text to have a four-paragraph rant on the outrageous flight of bumblebees was further proof. Sunset herself had instantly retreated to her barely used room in the castle. If the flashes of light coming from it were any hint, she was less than pleased. Celestia looked at the orb in the corner, it was bobbing around happily, something on Ragar's end making the orb move slightly in a dance. She knew asking him would be tantamount to admitting defeat, but at this point, she was too curious just to let it lie.

With a light from her horn, the orb began to glow brightly. Soft piano music came out for a moment before a large portion of her room was overtaken by an image of Ragar held in a tentacle as an arcade machine floated beside him. His arms were removed from his body manipulating the controls on one side as a swarm of smaller tentacles manipulated the other side. "NYARLA YOU CHEATING FOOL< TRYING TO REMOVE RAGAR'S GLORIOUS FORM FROM THE MACHINE!" There was a sound that gave Celestia an image of a million voices each speaking a contradictory lie and Ragar laughed. "WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT! SOON YOUR SECRETS WILL BELONG TO RAGAR!" His fingers moved deftly for a moment before the screen flashed, and the word Draw appeared in large block letters. "Darn, we tied again. One moment, I have to take this call."

The tentacles peeled back in a way Celestia was sure would be in her dreams tonight as Ragar stood tall in his greatest clothes. Namely, a safety vest thrown over a white shirt and jeans. A helmet rested on his back, bobbing as he began to sit down as a chair of black smoke appeared beneath him. "Good evening Celestia, what can Ragar, the unmatched lord of death and darkness do to help you today?"

Celestia giggled as Ragar crossed his legs. "Well Ragar, I seem to have come into ownership of such an interesting artifact I wanted your take on it." Ragar tilted his head, but remained silent. Mostly because a large tentacle was slowly wrapping itself around his head. Celestia raised an eyebrow, but continued on regardless. "We found a tablet which speaks to us. It says you are its master, and is very unwilling to help us identify anything about it..."

Ragar paused, tapping his skull for a moment. "Ragar could be convinced to help. He would require tribute though."

Celestia let out a groan. "Of course you would. I can have a shipment of books fresh from our researcher is the topic of arcane knick-knackery sent to you by the end of the week."

Ragar nodded slowly before the tentacles moved again. they made no noise, but Celestia was suddenly aware that they would offer up their services to Ragar if he added some chips and salsa to the deal. Ragar's mouth opened in a large smile. "And the chips and salsa requested by my fine compatriot here."

Celestia let out a smirk at this. That thing was oficially Ragar's problem and she was going to solve it. That should give her some power in negotiation. "That is acceptable. Though in exchange I would request you volume of knowledge on gravity magic. How the teacups work in your older attractions still confuse my researchers, and we have so many ideas for it after all."

Ragar jumped slightly as a tentacle tapped him, but looked back to Celestia. "Sure thig Tia. Ragar can send that back with your team. Ragar will also ask if we are still on for movie night this Saturday?"

Celestia nodded. "Of course, I have selected a fine play from a local tour group. We shall have a wonderful evening."

Ragar had another tentacle tap his shoulder. "Oh fine you oversized octopus of madness." Ragar bowed, causing the hard hat on his head to fall off. The thump echoed from the orb and slid across the floor. "Forgive Ragar, but I have been told that though Ragar now has the aid needed, he still must finish the game. RAGAR IS ABOUT TO KICK YOUR TENTACLE-Y BUTT!"

Celestia cut in. "Yes, but before you do, what is the tablet?"

Ragar froze for a moment. "Yes, Ragar had heard a particularly clever pony was tracking down his lost toys. What you have found is Ragar's tablet of conspiracy. It helps Ragar plan great heists with ease as he is a master criminal, and that tablet is an equally master partner. Of course, it is designed to betray you at the most oppurtune moment. After all, Every Heist needs good drama." Ragar snapped his finger. "But I must go Princess, the game must continue to be afoot. Or something. See you Saturday!" A tentacle waved at Celestia, and she would swear a ghostly figure appeared out of the tentacle and waved back at her at the same time. The call disconnected as Celestia sat down, thinking about the useless tablet currently vexing her top researchers.

It only took her a few minutes before she reached the tablet and looked to it. "I hear you're pretty good at planning heists?"

The tablet sat silently for a moment. "Now you are of speaking my language, what are we stealing?" Celestia smiled, thinking of the cake her sister had stolen last night.

The Alpha

Tartarus was opened. Of course, Ragar had known about this weeks ago, and had in fact kept an eye on Twilight as she put Cerberus back in his home. It was important to know that Tartarus was opened because of one very specific inmate that was held within. Ragar had watched the centaur as he scavenged magic, but the time wasn't right. He felt his bony hands clench and unclench as the centaur went into Canterlot Castle and turned around. Black Sun, everything is ready." His son nodded, his body language lacking any of his normal confidence.

Black Sun trotted over to the corners of the lab, grabbing a few key items. A small orb of glowing gold, a bone with scrapes and cuts marring it's visage. Black Sun stared at Ragar for a moment. "Dad, just before you go I need to know. Will anypony get hurt?"

Ragar paused as he put on his robe. Not the oversized purple one that he wore to talk to Celestia. Not the comfortable one he used in the lab. This one was his personal robe. Black as pit from pole to pole, with runes seeming to swim across the fabric. As the silence stretched on Black Sun could hear it whisper. Ragar let out a breath that he hadn't needed to hold. "My son. There has ever only been one creature I could bring myself to hurt, and he is currently attacking on of my only friends. No pony will be hurt, and all the citizens of Equestria will sleep easy. But for that monster that is currently trying to steal the very magic from my friend..." Ragar tightened his robe, squaring his shoulders. "All I can do is beg you to forgive me if I take it to far."

Black Sun paused, before laying out all the tools he had gathered. "The he's the one who..." Black Sun looked at the door beside them. The four statues sitting past it seeming to speak without a single sound coming from the hall. He nodded. "Try and do the right thing dad, I'm going to shore up the wards here, just in case."

Ragar nodded, walking over to his son and wrapping his boy up in a large hug. "Black Sun, before I leave I need to tell you one thing." Ragar backed up slightly, keeping his hands on Black Sun. "You are so much better than I could ever be, and no matter what happens, I am proud of you."

Black Sun nodded, but didn't speak. His father stood up, and without any pomp or ceremony a portal opened in front of him. He walked through quickly, no clack of bones as he stepped. When the portal closed behind him there wasn't a single noise in the entire lab. Black Sun looked over the lab. The tools he assembled gone with his father. He walked in the Hall of Remembrance, looking over the statues. He stopped at the youngest one, looking at the smiling face. He didn't say anything, but slowly flew up, hovering in front of her face. He touched the corner of her cheek and frowned. "He's gonna be ok sis, just you see."

***

Twilight Sparkle stared at the destroyed remains of her library, and felt something stir in her chest. It was unfamiliar. An emotion she had rarely felt before, but could still identify quickly. It was rage. She felt mana crash through her form. She hadn't had a reason to fully let loose with the power of an alicorn yet, but she could feel it now. It felt like a small sun rising within her. It filled her entire being with what could only be divine rage. As she started a spell in response she felt her magic choke around her, and from looking at Tirek he felt the same thing, as the spell he had been forming collapsed, sending arcane light showering around him. A bony hand touched her shoulder and she looked up, staring at a skeletal necromancer towering over her. He didn't bother to look down at her, but Twilight needed no introduction to know who Ragar was, and the feeling of death around him seemed to cause a reaction to the very air around them. He spoke slowly, without any of the joy she normally heard in his voice. "Twilight, you need to head under the castle in the woods right now. Bring your friends with you."

She flinched from how calm he sounded, and stumbled away from his. But something made her hold. Ragar didn't look right. His back was to straight, his skull to closed. If he had a face, she was sure he would be frowning. Her musing was stopped by Ragar's voice. "NOW TWILIGHT! He rolled up his sleeves. "Leave this fight to your elders."

Tirek smiled as Twilight ran away, before turning to the skeleton. "I don't recognize whatever's left of you, but that voice. I know that voice." Tirek righted his stance, squaring up against the necromancer. "Oh, your screams have kept me happy for millennia. What was the whelps name before I ran her though? Or maybe the scream was for the others as they bled to death?" Tirek's mouth stretched into a smile that knew his words were cutting deep. "Isn't it poetic? The first creature I'm going to kill after getting free is the only one who managed to live through me before my imprisonment."

Ragar didn't move, simply tilting his skull. "Tirek, do you know what kind of magic I use?" Tirek opened his mouth, but was cut off as Ragar spoke. "I'm a necromancer. I study death in all its forms. Undeath, souls, and reanimation. In all my studies for a basic reanimation the only thing you need is around a gram of whatever dead thing you are reanimating and enough of a similar remain to fill out the mass." Ragar knelt down on one knee, putting his hand on the dirt. "Of course, this combined with my own love of science has let me make some interesting discoveries. Dirt is my favorite tool after my studies."

Ragar began dragging his finger through the dirt as Tirek laughed. "Dirt? You see dirt as the apex of your studies. I see that time has made you even more foolish than your whole team was when we last met! What are you going to do with dirt? Make me wash my fur when we're done."

The robes surrounding the necromancer seemed to shimmer as the skeletal palm rested on the sigil he had drawn in the dirt. "No, cleaning your fur will be the least of your worries. Dirt is simply the remains of thousands of years of death. the death of tree's, giants, and creatures long dead and oft-forgotten. With a bit of refinement I can create anything I want. This world is my very own infinite graveyard. And more fool you, you've stepped right into my haunt."

With that word, the entire country side exploded, and Tirek was surrounded by an army of creatures. He tried to catalogue them, to at least learn what he was dealing with. A Jabberwocky, a wendigo, even a small swarm of changelings. But they were outnumbered by the creatures he didn't recognize. A gaunt pony with a skull like head, some sort of liquid leaking from a mouth that seemed broken permanently open. A large lizard with two legs and a long serpent like body. And in the back something that seemed like a bird, but seemed to cover the entire sky as it took to the air. Tirek stared for a moment before energy rose to his horns. "A trick like that won't save you necromancer."

Ragar stared as his creations fell upon the centaur, but he was working on something far more important. The various items being channeled and melted into something that looked similar to a funnel, but with a small spike coming from the larger end. He didn't bother speaking, a portal opening in front of him to reveal Tirek's back. Ragar didn't hesitate, moving the spike into Tireks back in a single motion. No incantation was spoken, but mana flew into the funnel instantly. Tirek's body instantly began to collapse, shrinking slightly as Ragar pulled the funnel from his back, grabbing one of his horns and pulling the centaurs head straight to his bony face. "Tirek, you took something precious from me that you can never return. Now I have done the same."

Tirek felt his head shoot to the side as Ragar's creatures collapsed into dirt. He stood up slowly, raising his arms. "You think a little cut will stop me. I'm going to rip your magic from you and..." It was then Tirek realized that no mana was flowing through him. Magic itself not responding to his orders. It was only then, when the bone hit bone, and a laugh emerged. Tirek stared as Ragar began to laugh. His horns lowered as he charged forward, but by then the skeleton was gone. Ragar already checking to make sure Twilight was on the way. He raised the funnel to his face, looking at the magic held within. "And with that, we have everything I need."

Author's Note

Welcome to a serious chapter as we approach the end. I'm going to try and give you guys the last two chapters, and then hit you with a few side stories in the sister fic and this whole series will be finished. Although much later than I planned.

The Omega

Celestia had been worried about Ragar ever since the Tirek incident. With the destruction of the Elements, the Tree of Harmony, and everything else that happened that day, Celestia hadn't managed to get ahold of him since he had shown his little infinite graveyard trick. Only Black Sun had seen him, and all he would share was that Ragar needed some time alone. THis left all of the royals who knew Ragar able to do nothing but worry. As the day of their lunch meeting approached even Luna had shown some concern over the necromancer. However Black Sun assured them that they would want to be there. And so they found themselves all heading to the negotiation table of Murcurial. As soon as they stepped in they couldn't repress the smile. The whole town was covered in signs that warned of skeleton crossings. The undead walked the streets prepping what could only be described as a massive festival. There was a large amount of amusement park rides, though they seemed to be almost exclusively for foals. Indeed several foals were already riding some rides. Celestia let out a giggle as a banner above her proudly proclaimed that there definitely wasn't a necromancer in the Town Square.

With that one banner the ice was broken. Twilight began talking to Celestia about the history of the town, and Luna began muttering to the Night Guard beside her about security arrangements. They walked into the square and found a massive stage, the curtain closed and a small countdown above it. It was labelled at only a minute, and there was a special seating area that was labeled 'totally not for princesses, why would they even be here'. Each seat had one of the Princesses Cutie Marks on It, including young Flurry heart and Shining Armor. The royal party found their seats and began staring at the clock.

The noise of the festival seemed to quiet as the timer reached lower and lower, until it finally reached zero. Then the world exploded into light. Fireworks of every color flying in from the stage, sky, and ground itself. A chord from a guitar seemed to fade in around the audience as a familiar voice seemed to echo across the square. "Good morning Equestria. For the first and only time in known history Ragar is proud to perform his first and final show specifically for the Royal Family of Equestria." The curtains rolled open, revealing a skeletal creature that Celestia could recognise instantly. Despite seeing him weekly for almost a thousand years there were still some differences that instantly jumped out to here. Where in the orb his eyes glowed red, in person they were soft and seemed to change colors with the light. He was also much taller than she imagined, he was one of the few creatures that Celestia would have to look up at.

Ragar waved to her. "So Ragar will tell you of the docket today. We shall have a small concert on the request of Celestia herself so long ago." Celestia found her smile growing despite her being in public. How long had it been since Ragar promised that? When Black Sun was still nothing but a happy foal who clutched to his adoptive dad. He remembered after what had to have been a few hundred years. Ragar gave her a short bow. "And then Ragar will for the first and only time perform his greatest spell, and all questions will be answered as the curtain falls." He looked to Luna and smiled. "Though, I'm sure more will arise as Ragar is a ranked master at causing confusion and leaving a mess.

With that Ragar sat at the Piano, he began to play a song He started up, and with a soft glow of blue magic, four figures arrived in an ethereal glow. Two men of some unknown species that seemed to match Ragar, a woman, and what was obviously a child. They all let out a cheer as the song began. Before the vocals started Ragar leaned into his microphone. For your background allow Ragar to guide you though a brief summary of his life. With a sngle sentance the song began, and the crowd found themselves singing along. An ocean filled with adventure seemed to rise across the stage, as the figures began to journey from shore to shore. So many that none of the Equestrians recognized. At least, until the wildlands Tirek's very own rampage seemed to flow under the band. They began to repeat the chorus as the man who carried the bag with the red cross fell. Though it was subtle, Celestia saw the small amount of blood leaking from his lips even as the body faded into nothng. Ragar chimed up. "It appears our band has transformed into a quartet."

The song continued, now one instrument down. The woman fell next, her saxophone clattering to the floor as her arm seemingly faded away before the rest of her. Ragar grunted, and she wanted to end the song as she heard the tears in his voice. "Apologies. We're a trio." The song was now obviously missing parts, and with the final adult falling as his leg faded. The piano never stopped, but the vocals had fallen to a whisper. "A duo."

Finally Celestia connected several dots that had been sitting right in front of her. How long ago was it that Ragar had mentioned he had a daughter? Had. As in no longer present. A small child on stage happily playing a harmonica. A child she watched as her chest slowly began to disappear the harmonica fell, and the piano played on. After the chorus finished it started up slower. "A solo."

The chorus ended for a final time, and Ragar slowly rose. "You have now heard a brief summary of Ragar's life, and now Ragar will show you his future." There was no dark smoke as his spells normally summoned. Six gems flew from his robe, followed by what seemed to be a crystal horn, an orb of sickly green magic followed, a small trace of pink seeming to snake though the orb. From the other side of his robe a small black spirit flew through, waving at Luna, and finally a funnel flew behind it. Ragar smiled. "Ragar has gathered items that are technically the opposite of the Elements of Harmony. And so Ragar has combined them except for their sixth element, to use them in the opposite form of the elements."

The whole fair froze. Artifacts that matched the elements. Evil that could overpower the magic of harmony itself, and it was sitting right in front of them. Twilight moved first, and found each beat of her wings useless. Her legs unable to move from her seat. Luna moved next, her horn glowing and sputtering as Ragar began to chant and a slow moving fog came over the town. The anathema of Harmony circling above him. Celestia could do nothing but stare as the necromancer she had thought she knew did something horrible. Nothing that was opposite of harmony could do anything good. Ragar began to laugh, his cackles growing louder and louder until finally the fog seemed to swallow him. The sound of cracking and groaning seemed to come from the stage, and then silence.

The princesses started as Flurry Heart tilted her head. Cadence seemed to have tears in her eyes but a smile was on her snout. The fog rolled away as two figures walked up. One hunched over and stumbling, while the other was small and seemed to be rubbing its eyes. Celestia's snout opened slowly as Ragar approached with a small child being guided to her. Ragar's skull was cracked into a smile. "One final prank princess. You get to meet Ragar at his greatest triumph, which is also his final." The jaw fell from the skull with a clatter. The skull looked down to it. but it refocused on Celestia, and a voice came from the skull even as bones seemed to fall off the lich. "Take care of Delie for me? Would you Princess?" With those final words, the skeleton collapsed.

Celestia grabbed the small child, holding Delie in her wings as Black Sun walked out from behind the stage. He sat down beside Twilight, who appeared to be the only one who could bring herself to ask questions. "What was that?"

Black Sun blinked a few times. "A true resurrection. The opposite of harmony. To do it, you needed to have the most disharmonious items of power in the world. Crystalized chaos, forced to sit and wait for years. Love freely given laced with magic forcefully taken. Thieving magic freely given. A spirit of jealousy taught of humility. A horn of entropy charged with the love of creation. And, finally, the phylactery of the worlds only friendly necromancer."

Celestia took the time to get up, walking to Black Sun and bringing the child to him. He reached a wing to her, running it over her cheek. "Hey sis, dad left me in charge. But don't you worry. We'll take care of you."

Author's Note

So, there's the technical ending, I have an epilogue to go and it will feel much more familiar to all of you. And yes, I have been saving Bink's sake this whole time

Many Dark Aeons

Celestia was using Ragar's orb communicator to watch Delie as she ran through Ponyville, playing with foals as her aunt who appeared a few years ago watched. Celestia looked at the games with a smile, turning to look at the skull above her mantle. it had been there sine Luna's return. The very skull Ragar had gifted to her sister on that very night. She smiled as she trotted up to it. "Well Ragar, I will admit you have proven to be an excellent father. Though I'm afraid you did oversell your daughter's pizza making skills." Her smile widened as she picked up the skull. "You know. Luna had wanted to hide your skull away. Apparently she thought having the skull of one of my oldest friend would be traumatizing. But, I believe you would probably enjoy having your skull as a decoration. I have even placed it above my bed in order to make me seem like some sort of evil empress. You would find that amusing I think."

Celestia looked over Canterlot, seeing the small collection of skeletal birds flying around the skyline. A parting gift from Ragar. Celestia giggled. "What was that book you sent me. About the fish-creatures and the giant squid thing. That is not dead which does eternal die? I feel like that may have been a hint. I think if figured it out, and when I see you again, I will demand to know whatever the code was to get to visit your lair. I still never figured it out."

Celestia felt her ears flattened as she heard a cackle echo through her room. While she no longer lived in Canterlot Castle there were bad days where she could hear his laugh as if his orb was just in the other room. It slowly got louder as Celestia closed her eyes. She felt her magic drop as the cackle grew louder and louder. She heard the taps of chitin on tile, until finally the noise stopped. Celestia slowly opened her eyes, a pair of red glowing orbs staring back. "Why Celestia, you simply never asked Ragar his address. You asked to come to help, but never just for a vist. After all, Ragar only ever said he would never visit you, not the other way around."

***

Black Sun sat at the top Innsmare chapel as he looked over the blueprints of Ragars final amusement park. Black Sun's Zenith. A park focused on horror and frights. He couldn't tell if he was offended of complimented. He didn't turn to the foreman as he walked into the office. "Good timing chief. Look, I think the tunnel of a thousand horrors should exit at the Arcade Of The Yellow King. He asked to have at least one challenger every weekday and I think that would cover it. Of course, we would need to add a few more arcade cabinets but dad left a few spares and the proper spell to duplicate fully functional ones so just leave at least one spare of each. Also let Tooth go try to beat him again. He seemed to like that."

There was silence for a moment before a small click was hear behind him. "Actually, Ragar thinks that the Arcade of the Yellow King should be walked through to get to the exit. Then let the tunnel offload over the cliffs of sudden but brief madness."

Black Sun froze, before jumping backwards. "YOU ABSOLOUTE BASTARD!" Laughing filled the tower as father and son reconvened for the first time in years.

***

Trixie was not the magical powerhouse Black Sun was. She would never launch the near nuclear power he had. But as she packed up her cart she took a moment to reflect on how much better she was at spells of devious and subtle natures. Black Sun could burn a city to ash and fight dragons. But a simple cloaking spell would be obvious with his power level if anyone with a minor ability to sense magic would now he was nearby. Meanwhile he old master was different. He could weave a million subtle spells you could never see unless you were intimately familiar with his exact style of spell casting. Trixie was so familiar with his spells that they didn't last a second before she turned around in a full gallop and jumped to chest level. "YOU BUCKING MORON!" He hooves wrapped around the rapidly appearing skeleton and hugged him tight.

"NYEHAHAHAHAHA Ragar didn't think you'd miss your senile old master this much!"

Trixie shuddered "Of course I did you absolute nonce!" Her hug quickly changed to a strangle. "AND I'M GOING TO KILL YOU AGAIN FOR LEAVING WITHOUT A WARNING YOU BUCKING LICH!"

Ragar laughed. "AH, you're choking the life out of me!" There was a pregnant pause before Ragar spoke again. "Wait, I don't need to breath. Keep going if it makes you feel better."

***

One of the last humans on Equestria was sitting on a hill. She was thinking about what had happened since she came back. Apparently her dad had done something to bring her back and he was gone now. But he had to leave afterwards. But he had done another thing to save his aunts and uncles. So they've been helping take care of her. She also had a brother who was a pony. Which was weird but she was used to that weirdness now. Ever since they got lost she had made lots of new friends that were weird. She leaned back and stared at the clouds. "I hope dad gets home soon."

There was a pause before a voice spoke beside her. One both quiet and hesitant. "H-how soon do you want to see him?"

The girl looked beside her, and saw the skeleton sitting down at her side. She may not have been a teenager yet, but she had seen the skeletons around Canterlot or her brother. She tilted her head. "I dunno, as soon as I can I guess."

The skeleton spread it's arms open. "Well then munchkin. Daddy's home. I know I may not look quiet the same as when you last saw me. I lost a bit of weight, oh and I switched to a new moisturizer. But it's your old man. Promise."

Delie looked the skeleton up and down. The voice was right, and he looked kinda like her dad. He definitely stood like him. There was a pause before Delie smiled. "Daddy!" She went from prone to buried in Ragar's chest in near supersonic speed." Ragar let out a loud yell, twirling his daughter around him as a surge of magic flew into the air. All of Equestria could see a final message from the skeleton that had held many titles. He was the poorest secret in canterlot, the maker of magic and fear, the mastermind of amusement, the father of game shows, and the most proud title he held lit up the noon time sky.

THE WORST EQUESTRIAN NECROMANCER HAS RETURNED

Author's Note

And with that the finale is over. The plot threads closed up, and the only plot thread left is the Celestia/Ragar thing. I'm probably going to throw those in the side-story later but I can proudly mark this fic finished.

One Century After Nightfall

Princess Celestia sighed deeply while locked in her room. One hundred years had passed. One hundred years since she was forced to betray her sister. She wanted to do something, anything, to distract herself. Alas, all her work was done. She had cleaned her room eight times, finished the final tower in the castle herself, and redone the tax code. She knew she could do it again, but she wasn't THAT desperate. Yet.

However, after an hour alone in her room, she began to shuffle herself up. Maybe she could look at that tax code again. She wasn't sure if it would do any good, but at least it would distract her. Then, something unexpected happened. An orb of ghastly white light appeared in her room. She stared at it, trying to unravel its mysteries by sight alone. Then, text appeared from it. "ACCEPT CALL Y/N?"

Celestia's curiosity was piqued. So, despite her innate desire to be left alone, she called out to the orb. "Yes, I accept the call."

The orb rose slightly and flashed once. As the light faded from sight, she noticed it was replaced with a most curious image of a creature. Its face was naught but bone, and unfamiliar even to her. It stood as tall as a diamond dog, but straighter. More cultured. It also was covered in a long purple cloak. It spoke to her, in a humorously high voice. "Celestia, greetings from I, RAGAR, THE AGELESS! DARK LORD OF ALL EVIL!!"

Celestia pondered the creature before her. She had never seen it before, but its spell had managed to worm its way past all her wards. Leaving her here, talking to it. She stared at it in utter confusion. To get through her wards you would either have to be a caster of nigh-unapproachable skill. Or have something of hers already. It was how her sister used to... Now she was even sadder. Then Ragar spoke again. "Uhm, hello? Is this thing working? Ragar knows you can hear me, princess. You must acknowledge your fellow ruler."

That perked up Celestia. A ruler who snuck a spell through her wards? One she had never heard of? Now, this was a mystery. "I apologize, Lord Ragar, I was simply lost in thought. What can I help you with on this fine day?"

Ragar shook his head as if she had committed an unspeakable offense. "NO! You do not call me lord. You are a fellow ruler. We are equals and shall speak as such."

That managed to win a smile out of Celestia. Most of the kings and queens of the realm lived off of pomp and circumstance. Even if he was evil, at least he didn't force her to use some stupid title. To meet one who didn't - that was nice. "Of course Ragar. Now, what can I do to help?"

She thought she could guess; some formal meeting or trade deal. Which is why she had to sit down after Ragar's next sentence. "Why have you not sent troops to destroy Ragar's KINGDOM OF THE DAMNED?"

Celestia sat for a moment. Then two. What, exactly, was a kingdom of the damned? Where in the world was it? She had never heard of this Ragar, and to hear he had some sort of evil kingdom that was literally awaiting destruction was strange. "Excuse me, Ragar? Why would I send troops to destroy your kingdom exactly? I have not heard about any horrible treatment from your subjects, nor have I seen an invasion force marching on the horizon. Why would I commit my army to attack what seems to be a humble and peaceful kingdom?"

This gave Ragar pause. He raised a bony digit from his sleeve, stroking his chin bone. Celestia could hear the soft taps as bone hit bone, each one disturbing the small glass of water on her desk. Then Ragar snapped his damned digits. "Of course. Because Ragar... because Ragar, is a necromancer. By the natural laws, the princess must send heroes to destroy him. It is the way of the world."

Celestia let out a light titter of laughter. "Of course. Which heroes should I assemble to assault your keep?"

Ragar paused again, as if unsure of what the proper composition of a hero team should be. He nodded slowly as if he had channeled a sage. A particularly dull one at that. "You must send five. One to heal, one to fight, one to fly, one to see, and one who is a wildcard." He said wildcard like a song. Ending it with a small flourish of his hands.

Celestia thought on his list. She had some guards that fit the bill, but then she realized her situation. A necromancer was asking her to send her ponies to his keep. Despite his fun-loving demeanor he probably just wanted their corpses to conduct his vile experiments. Then once again Ragar shattered those thoughts. "They should only take about a week. If they fail, they shall have to try again next year. But if they win, then Ragar shall grant them full citizenship. Assuming you are fine with a dual citizenship."

And now Celestia was back to confused. Why would she allow her guards to have a dual citizenship? "What if our nations were to go to war? The guards would have to pick a side. That cannot be allowed."

Ragar moved back as if she had just said she was going to kick a pack of fluffy puppies as soon as the call ended. "Why would Ragar go to war? So much violence. True evil abhors violence. True evil knows that knowledge is power. And since power corrupts, the smarter you are, the eviler you are. To this end, Ragar has banned violence from Ragarland. Ragar has also many forbidden tomes - most are extremely boring, however. Sombra's Book on immortal theory was deeply flawed. What spell requires pony sacrifice. I was able to do it killing a tree and two parasprites. It's in the movement of the wrists, not the quantity of souls."

Celestia paused again. This creature, who just asked her to destroy him, is now saying that violence is hated by true evil. Not only that, he also claimed that all knowledge was inherently evil. Celestia had, admittedly, never thought on this. And despite the logic his argument had, it faded in the face of the real world. But now this was interesting. He had read the lost tome of Sombra and had found a much more peaceful solution to his massive civilian sacrifice with wrist movements. She had to know more. Though, perhaps delving into a necromancers spellwork was not in her best interest. With the kingdom down one princess, another falling would be a worst-case scenario. "So Ragar. If you hate violence, how do you intend to fight off these heroes?"

Ragar began to rub his hands together. "Ragarland is filled with dangerous monsters, fiendish traps, and my own damned undead tour guides. NYEHEHEHEHEHE!!"

Celestia let out another titter of laughter. "Truly, the tour guides must be awful."

Ragar nodded emphatically. "Indeed, they sell their services at cost and labor. No profits to Ragar, they are the worst tour guides. However, they give excellent tours of the pit of eternal screaming."

Celestia found herself wondering about the pit, and asked before she could stop herself. "What is the pit of eternal screaming?"

Ragar stopped rubbing his hands together and tapped his chin again. "You know, Ragar honestly doesn't know. The pit was there when Ragar moved in. In fact, it is why Ragar lives here. Ragar finds the screaming matches necromancy perfectly. The guides give different, exciting stories every time."

Celestia nodded. "May I tour your land?"

Ragar let out another laugh. "NYEHAHAHAHA!!! Only if you find my hidden kingdom princess! Or if one of your heroes manages to make it to my sanctum sanctorum. Once they have their citizenship, they may, of course, speak about Ragar's lands freely. They also receive a discount on tours and all of Ragar's wondrous restaurants."

Celestia quirked an eyebrow. "So how would the heroes get to you?"

Ragar began shaking his lower jawbone, clacking it with alarming speed. It took a moment for Celestia to realize it was a chuckle. "Ragar will tell them, princess. Then ask them not to share. Honesty is a very important part of Ragarland culture. Why, if you're lying how will you learn the truth? Honesty helps evil spread through the land. NYEHEHEHEHE!!"

Celestia let out another smile. This necromancer appeared fun. She began compiling a list. "Must these heroes be pure of heart and body?"

Ragar shook his head. "No, they must only be willing to attempt the dangers of Ragarland Also, they must be willing to be healed by Ragar. Ragar will not allow an early death. All deaths must be natural in Ragarland."

So, sending her guards to a foreign land with little danger and the possibility of finding a new land? This all sounded like a wonderful time. Celestia finished writing the short list of guards that might wish to attempt the challenges. "Well, Ragar, I shall attempt to send a group of guards to you at some time in the next week. When can you call again to tell them of their quest?"

Ragar looked as pleased as a skull could - which was surprisingly pleased. "Ragar will call in one week's time. Probably around one-ish so Ragar may enjoy his lunch. If you wish to call Ragar, simply tap the orb Ragar will leave in your room." He paused, then spoke quickly, as if he forgot something. "Also, Ragar ask you not to call after nine o' clock. Ragar needs his beauty sleep and time for evil plotting. Ragar wakes around sunrise, so feel free to call then. I bid you adieu, Celestia."

Celestia smiled at the skeleton. "Of course. I shall talk to you soon, Ragar." With that, the call ended and the orb floated to the corner of the room. Celestia walked to her door, leaving the tax code behind. She could redo it later. She had some guards to find.

Author's Note

Just a silly idea I had about a really bad necromancer. Not bad at necromancy, just bad at being evil. Only expect updates when I come up with ideas. I do love the idea of a necromancer who basically uses his dark and mysterious powers to build theme parks. Also, I'm always hungry for comments, so feel free. Many thanks to the great Guldane, whose magical prowess fixed my atrocious grammar and typos with both ease and panache.

Halloween Special! - Crystal Concert

Shining Armor knew this was the climax of their fight against Sombra. He also knew it wasn’t looking good. His sister was working on getting the Crystal Heart, but the shield was about to fall; it was a race to see whether Sombra would break through before Cadence collapsed from exhaustion. Unless Twilight returned with the Heart, this was the end.

He felt the shield collapse as Sombra's triumphant laugh echoed through the city. He ran to the nearest balcony and stopped. Sombra had materialized in the air, his jagged body adorned in a majestic red cape and his barrel covered with steel armor, but that wasn't what caused him to pause. No, what had caused him to freeze was the second cloud of black smoke appearing in the city square. He stared in dismay at what could only be another eldritch horror until a familiar voice rang through his kingdom. "Sombra, you have chosen this, the holiest holiday of Ragar, as the day of your return." Shining Armor fought back a smile; the most unlikely of reinforcements had arrived. Ragar's voice called out again as the smoke faded, revealing the lich in his customary robes. "So now you must face RAGAR, THE IMMORTAL EVIL."

Sombra laughed. "You think you can best me, you miserable lich? I have been leeching off your power for centuries. Your petty tricks cannot best a master of dark magic such as myself!" With that, Sombra sent a lance of crystalline dark energy straight towards Ragar. Shining watched in horror as Ragar barely moved, not even trying to dodge or block. The lance struck the ground where Ragar stood, coating the area in a blinding mist of snow. Both Shining and Sombra watched as the snow blew away. But instead of a shield or a destroyed skeleton, there was now a black stage surrounded by red curtains - and then a song began to play.

Fillies and Colts of every age,
Wouldn't you like to see something strange?

The curtains vanished, revealing a small orchestra of skeletons that were each wearing a different costume. Shining flinched as he noticed that a trio was dressed as him, Cadence, and Chrysalis. Ragar himself was in the front, now dressed in a pinstripe suit.

Come with us and you will see,
The awful joy of Ragarween!

Sombra growled and sent another lance of energy, only to have a disturbingly carved pumpkin intercept it and explode into a firework display.

This is Ragarween, this is Ragarween
Pumpkins bloom during our fight!

Ragar sank into the ground in a snakelike shadow as a black, malnourished alicorn rose behind him. Its body was shiny, and exposed ribs made the alicorn seem barely more than a skeleton itself. It replaced Ragar on vocals, its voice sounding like nails across the smooth marble of gravestones.

This is Ragarween, everybody make a scene,
Kick and fight 'til Sombra's gonna die of fright!

Shining felt magic pull him from the balcony and transport him onto the stage. Confused, he felt himself sing out.

It's our town, everybody scream!

He was forced back to the balcony as crystal ponies peeked out of their houses, several wearing goofy grins.

In this town of Ragarween.

Sombra tried to descend upon Ragar's stage, but instead found himself flopping onto a bed while the lyrics continued from under it.

I am the one hiding under your bed
teeth ground sharp and eyes glowing red.

Indeed, shadows with glowing red eyes and sharpened teeth came from under the bed, grabbing Sombra and tossing him against a staircase that hadn’t existed a moment before. He tried to shake off his stupor and regain control of the situation, but a voice came from a closet beside him.

I am the one hiding under your stairs
Hooves like snakes and spiders for hair.

From the closet, a truly horrifying masterpiece crawled out. Its body was coated in spiders, with the exceptions of its hooves - which were interlaced snakes. That was enough to get Sombra moving, and he frantically took flight. Ragar’s orchestra continued the song, with a number of crystal ponies joining in on the vocals.

This is Ragarween, this is Ragarween
Ragarween! Ragarween! Ragarween! Ragarween!
In this town we call home
Everyone hail to the undead song

Sombra's flight was interrupted by a flashing image of a hooded skull appearing in front of him, freezing him in place. Cadence trotted out to the balcony, a huge smile on her face.

In this town, don't we love it now?
Everypony's waiting for the next surprise

She spun in a circle as she sang, her wings flying out behind her. An image of a snow-white alicorn baby appeared in the sky above her, much to the confusion of Shining Armor. Sombra took advantage of the distraction to move back to street level, ducking between buildings to buy some time to formulate a strategy - until he heard the alicorn sing again.

'Round that corner, man hiding in the trash can
Something's waiting just to pounce, and how you'll

Suddenly a trash can exploded into a beast coated in dark fur with entirely too many fangs, causing Sombra to dodge out of the cover of the alleyway.

Scream! This is Ragarween
Red 'n' black, and slimy green

A skeleton on a broom zoomed by, grabbing Sombra by the horn. He distressed grunt was all the cue they needed to continue the song.

Aren't you scared?
Well, that's just fine
Say it once, say it twice
Take a chance and roll the dice
Ride with the moon in the dead of night

As the skeleton released Sombra in the skies above the empire, crystal ponies began to assemble around the dark stage, continuing the song.

Everybody scream, everybody scream
In our town of Ragarween!

Sombra recovered his balance, floating above the city as he tried to catch his breath. He knew he could beat this foalish oaf. All he needed was a moment to make a plan. Impossibly, a bell chimed behind him; turning, he found a clown nearby, riding a bike in the sky. Before he could formulate a response, it sang to him in a happy child's voice.

I am the clown with the tear-away face

The clown raised a hoof to its face and then ripped it off, revealing a blank void within its head. A deep, demonic voice issued from the void.

Here in a flash and gone without a trace!

Suddenly the clown was gone, replaced with the distinct feeling of somepony looking over his shoulder. He turned quickly. "Who dares-" but was interrupted by a soft whisper in his ear.

I am the who when you call who dares

Suddenly the feeling faded, filling Sombra with dread. He was comforted by a soft wind blowing through his mane.

I am the wind flowing through your mane

Sombra froze at yet another whisper in his ear, turning to see... the moon? It was daytime. But there was the moon, though a stallion’s face of pure shadow rested on it.

I am the shadow on the moon at night
Filling your dreams to the brim with blight

The ponies on the ground sang out again.

This is Ragarween, this is Ragarween
Ragarween! Ragarween! Ragarween! Ragarween!
Ragarween! Ragarween!

A small foal climbed on stage and grabbed a skull from one of the violinists.

Tender ponies everywhere
Life's no fun without a good scare

The skull turned of its own volition to the foal, causing him to drop it on the ground.

That's my job, but I'm not mean
On this day of Ragarween

Cadence flew down to the stage, landing at the center with a soft smile as she comforted the foal.

In this town
Don't we love it now?
Everypony's waiting for the next surprise

Suddenly the shadows beside her began to writhe as a single skeletal hand rose slowly from the ground.

Skeletal lich might catch you in the clinch
And roar like a Manticore
Make you jump out of your skin

Sombra felt bony arms closing around him, but before he could react a tremendous roar sent him spiraling through the air. Cadence flew back to the castle and collapsed next to Shining Armor upon landing, barely able to stay awake even with the harmonious song.

This is Ragarween, everybody scream
Won't ya please make way for a very special guy

The skeletal hand on the stage continued to rise, revealing Ragar still in his pinstripe suit.

Our lich Ragar is Lord of the Boneyard
Everyone hail to the Undead King, now!

As the crystal ponies began the final reprise, Spike ran out onto the balcony with the Crystal Heart clutched in his claws. His delivery made, Spike peeked over the balcony at the dwindling music as Shining and Cadence began planning with hushed tones. Ragar raised an accursed arm to point a finger at Sombra. "Your next words will be: 'ENOUGH OF THESE FOALISH GAMES!!’"

Sombra finally began to recover, rising even higher above the empire. With his eyes focused on Ragar, he didn't notice the glow of the Crystal Heart coming from the castle. "ENOUGH OF THESE FOA- WHAT!?!"

Ragar clacked his jaws as he spun to his orchestra. "Boys, Ragar's done it. Mission accomplished."

Sombra glared at Ragar, completely disregarding Shining Armor as he lifted an exhausted Cadence in his hooves. He shouted out to his rival in dark deeds. "YOU HAVE NOT BEATEN ME! THE CRYSTAL EMPIRE IS MINE!!"

Ragar pointed his finger at Sombra once more. "Next you'll say 'WHAT? IMPOSSIBLE!’"

Sombra was about to say something - anything - different, until he noticed a light growing steadily closer. Turning, he saw an airborne Cadence nearly upon him, with Spike on her back holding a shining Crystal Heart. "WHAT? IMPOSSIBLE! DID YOU PLAN THIS ALL FROM THE START, RAGAR?!"

And then Cadence made contact. With a body check to make Wayne Gretzky proud, the Crystal Heart’s payload of love shot into Sombra, forcing his body apart in a large explosion. With everypony looking at the fireworks, nopony noticed where his horn flew - or that Ragar caught it in his bony hand, pocketing it inside his jacket.