Starlight Glimmer, student and friend of Princess Twilight, and official Guidance Counsellor at the Ponyville School of Friendship, was jolted suddenly awake from her doze. She glanced around, trying to work out what had awoken her; the answer came in the form of her desktop clock, which was merrily chiming away the bells of noon. A present from Twilight, the clock was displayed prominently to the side of her desk; privately, Starlight found the ticking just a little loud when she was trying to do the crossword in the Canterlot Herald, but hadn't the heart to disappoint her friend by telling her so.
Yawning widely, she arose from her seat and stretched, arching her back until she felt her vertebrae clicking back into place. She trotted slowly over to the window, taking in the frozen, snow-covered scene, before walking back to her desk. She put her pens neatly to the side, grasped an untidily written note and a carrier bag with her magic, and left her office for lunch, shutting the door and turning the sign thereon so that it read "Gone for lunch - back at 1pm". Truth be told, Starlight found she didn't have much appetite, and in fact hadn't done so for some time. Sitting around for hours at a stretch with nothing more strenuous to accomplish than the short walk to and from the loo was not, after all, conducive to a hearty desire for sustenance.
Nevertheless, she plodded along the carpeted corridors on her way to the luncheon hall out of habit. Upon entering the large chamber, Starlight wended through the reams of shouting, playful students raucously enjoying their meals, and made her way to the staff table at the end of the room. Her friends Fluttershy and Rarity were there before her, and as she arrived she was greeted by a familiar magenta whirlwind, as Pinkie Pie zoomed over to join them.
"Hey guys!" The party pony's cheery voice broke through the hubbub. "How ya doing?"
"Hello everyone." Starlight returned the question more calmly. "Fine thanks Pinkie. How are you all doing?"
"I'm very well, thank you darling," Rarity announced, as Fluttershy smiled warmly in reply. "We were just wondering where everyone else was. And now you two are here, that just leaves Twilight, Rainbow and Applejack. One can assume that Twilight is studying so hard she has forgotten lunch, as usual, but what about the others?"
"Oh, that's easy", Pinkie burst in. "They're eating outside today!"
Rarity was shocked. "Outside? In this weather? They'll catch their deaths of cold! Whyever have they decided to eat outside, Pinkie dear?"
She received a shrug in reply. "I dunno! Maybe for a dare or something. You know what those two are like when they get going!"
"Oh, I do hope they'll be alright", Fluttershy murmured.
"I'm sure they'll be fine", Rarity reasoned, half to herself; "after all, they're both used to working outside in all weathers."
Not entirely satisfied but not wanting to create a fuss, Fluttershy carried on quietly eating her meal - lettuce, tomatoes and carrots. Next to her, Pinkie Pie was downing cakes, chocolates, sweets, muffins and all manner of assorted sugar-filled sweetaries, with never a thought as to what her poor teeth may be going through. Rarity took a few dainty nibbles of a cucumber sandwich, washing it down with a cup of freshly brewed lapsang souchong.
Thus far Starlight had added very little to the conversation, and had yet to remove her packed lunch from its bag; she was instead simply staring into space, eyes slightly narrowed as though thinking very deeply about something. She was brought back to the present with a start when Rarity coughed politely and asked, "Is everything alright, darling? You seem very quiet."
Starlight blinked, and let out a deep breath she hadn't realised she'd been holding. "Oh, yes, fine thank you. I was just thinking."
Her alabaster-coated friend tilted her head slightly to one side. "Is it anything I can help you with? You know you can always come to me anytime about anything that's bothering you."
Starlight shook her head briefly. "No, no I'm fine. Although, having said that, you might be able to understand this." So saying, she took out the note she had picked up from her desk earlier, now slightly crumpled, and laid it flat upon the table. "I found this note on my desk earlier. There was no envelope and, as you'll see, there's no name on it anywhere, nothing at all to give away whom it's from. I confess I'm not sure how best to proceed. . . but if you have any ideas, please let me know."
As the pink and purple mare finished her explanation, Rarity turned her attention to the note. It was on a small sheet of unlined paper with tears down one side, perhaps torn from a blank notepad. It was more than a little ruffled, and the ink had run slightly where the words had somehow had water dripped on them, but remained readable nonetheless. Fishing with her magic inside the pockets of her genteel-looking saddlebag for her reading glasses, Rarity put them on and began to read aloud:
"Hello. I don't want to disturb you, but I would like some advice. I feel strange - everything feels sort of grey, and cold. I don't laugh or smile like I used to. I don't find things funny or enjoy being with other ponies anymore. I want to tell my friends this but I'm afraid they'll think I don't like them anymore, and then they'll stop wanting to be friends with me. And I'm worried that maybe I'm just making all of this up, and these feelings are all in my head, and that maybe I don't deserve your help. I'm sure there are more deserving ponies than me that you could be helping. But I feel so alone, so lonely, even though I know I'm not. And I thought that maybe you could help. Please tell me what to do. Thank you."
Rarity didn't say anything for almost a minute after she finished reading the message, her brows furrowed in thought. At the other end of the table, Pinkie Pie was regaling Fluttershy with her account of the time she'd been stuck in a lift with nought but a pencil, three cats and a hurdy-gurdy; from the nearby window could be heard the laughing of Applejack and Rainbow Dash in the middle of an intense hoof-wrestle; and all around continued the contented bustle of a school at lunch. No-one else had heard the letter being read. At last, Rarity spoke.
"Why do you think the pony who wrote this decided not to speak to you directly?", she asked. "After all, pretty much everyone here knows you're not exactly rushed off your hooves, so 'disturbing you' is hardly likely to be their primary concern."
Starlight blinked a few times before replying. "Er. . . maybe they were afraid of making a fuss over nothing?"
Rarity shook her head in disagreement. "No, darling, I'm sure that's not it. If they felt the need to write a note, then they're obviously not worrying about nothing. . . but maybe they felt embarrassed. Or perhaps they were afraid of the reaction if they were to speak about their problems directly. What do you think?"
"Hmm."
Rarity looked around. Fluttershy was still listening politely to Pinkie's absurd story - which by now was reaching its thrilling climax - and no-one else in the room was paying her or Starlight any attention. She coughed politely again. "Do you mind if we discuss this elsewhere, darling? Perhaps in your office? The cafeteria at lunchtime is hardly the most ideal place in the world for a private tête-à-tête." So saying, the Element of Generosity stood up, pulverised an minuscule, imaginary breadcrumb from the table with her magic, and stood patiently while Starlight slowly got up from the table to join her. Then the two mares trotted in companionable silence back to the Guidance Counsellor's room.
Upon arrival, Starlight held the heavy carved-oaken door open for Rarity as she walked inside, before shutting it to again after following her in. Spurning the officious-looking, straight-backed wooden chairs by the desk, Rarity went instead to a comfortable divan situated close to the heavily be-curtained bay window on the far side of the room. She motioned for Starlight to sit down on the divan, whilst she herself pulled forward a cushioned chair.
Starlight, looking slightly confused at the seating arrangements, began to protest. "This is very nice, Rarity, but shouldn't we sit over by my desk? I've got all the students and staff on file, we could go through them and try to work out who the note is from. Or we cou-"
Rarity cut her off softly by holding a gentle forehoof to Starlight's lips. She gave a small, sad smile, and blinked calmly. The she looked directly into her friend's eyes and murmured: "You know why the pony hasn't spoken to you directly, don't you? And I think I do too."
Starlight's eyes oped wide, and she made as if to argue to the contrary, but Rarity forestalled her. "You wrote that note, didn't you, Starlight?"
She heard the pink pony breathe in sharply. "It's alright, Starlight. I understand how you feel, really I do. You've fallen into a deep pit, and don't know how to climb out. I'm right, aren't I?"
Biting her lip, Starlight said nothing. A single tear rolled its melancholy way down her cheek, and she closed her eyes, bowing her head in admission.
Rarity got up from the chair and sat down close to Starlight, putting her hoof round her heaving shoulders, and pulling her into a close embrace. "Sh, it's alright. I'm here for you. I'll look after you."
Starlight gave a muffled sob, and let the tears flow freely. She tried to speak: "I - I didn't think - huh - I didn't think y-y-you'd believe m-me. . . I'm just so - huh - s-so s-sad!"
As Starlight broke off, crying too hard to continue, Rarity bent her head to gently lean against hers. "I believe you, Starlight. I understand how you feel. . . alone, and scared, and oh, so, so sad. But I'm here for you. Your friends love you, Starlight, and they won't leave you. You're not a bad pony because you feel this way, and they'll understand. I know how hard it is sometimes, but you can trust them, Starlight. You can trust me."
"B-but I don't want - huh - to be a b-b-burden. . ."
Rarity leant forward to look her friend straight in the eye. "You are not a burden, Starlight! You're not well, that's all. If Fluttershy broke her wing, we wouldn't abandon her, would we? If Twilight went blind we wouldn't leave her to fend for herself, would we? You know that none of us would do that. And I know it's hard to believe, but the same is true for you. You have depression, Starlight. It's an illness, and it will make things hard for you. But that doesn't make us love you any less."
Feeling her sobs subside, Rarity pulled a clean tissue from her saddlebag and gave it to Starlight, who dried her eyes and blew her nose loudly. She breathed deeply - a little shakily, yes, but no longer with the wracking sobs of before. She buried her head into Rarity's shoulder, and the white unicorn gently stroked her mane, murmuring comforting noises. After a while, Starlight let out a sigh.
"Thank you, Rarity." She blinked rapidly back a few tears. "Thank you for being here for me. I know I'm being silly, I know I'm being illogical. . . but somehow that doesn't help. I still feel afraid that I'll lose you all. And I know how crazy that sounds, but it's true."
Rarity nodded in understanding. "It's alright", she said. "I know what it's like. I've been where you are now, and I know how hard it can be to carry on, to act as though everything is fine, when inside you feel like a little piece of you is dying every minute you're awake. But you can break free, Starlight. I know the way out of the well you're in."
"How? How can I feel. . . 'normal', again?"
"By trusting me. I know it's hard, but you have to begin by trusting your friends. We're all your friends, Starlight - me, and Twilight, and Fluttershy, and Rainbow, and Applejack, and Pinkie, and Spike, and all your other friends - we care about you, and we know you're a good pony. We'll help you, but you have to trust us first. Are you willing to do that? Are you willing to tell your friends, and to have faith that I'm telling the truth?"
Starlight let out a long breath, and looked up into Rarity's eyes. "Yes. I trust you. And I'll tell the others. . . hard though it will be."
Then Rarity smiled again - a warm smile, not a sad smile like before. "Come on, then. It's time for the first step on this journey. It may be a long journey, it may be a short journey, who knows? But you won't ever, ever walk a single step of the way on your own."
Taking Starlight's hoof in hers, Rarity led the way across the room, and out, into the corridor.
Author's Note
(This story is a prequel to Indigo.)
I have written this from personal experience - the loneliness, the exhaustion, the constant drip-drip-dripping of a great well of sadness which seems unending. But there is a way through depression, there is a way to cope. If you're struggling, if you feel like you can't manage another day, another week, another year, then remember that you're not alone. You're never alone. You can get help, and you can recover.
For those in the UK
For those in the US
For those in Australia
For those in NZ
Link to Mind (mental health charity in the UK)
Stay safe, my little ponies. 🌿
