Blue stared at the nameplate on the pony's desk. It was nice, he thought. Tasteful. A triangle of solid, well-stained and varnished oak, done just right in order to make the grain stand out in lovely waves of gold against the rich brown of the wood. The plate itself was brass, with rivets of silvery steel, and it read 'Dotted Line' in waved, silver lettering that stood out well against the metal. It all came together as quite a nice effect, especially for-
"Mister Quill. Did you hear me?"
Blue twitched slightly, his eyes tracing up from the nametag to the pony that possessed the name on it. For a moment, he managed to hold the gaze of said pony, before he wavered and his gaze slid to the left of Dotted's head. He had been listening, to the first part at least, but he had stopped.
"No, I'm sorry, can you please repeat yourself? Thank you."
The phrase came out a little too quickly, and a little too practiced. Dotted sighed a little.
"Our office is not looking for candidates such as yourself at this time. If you would like to seek employment with us at a later date, then we shall hold your name for a period of six months and contact you if any openings appear. If you still wish to seek a position with us after that time, you will need to enter another application."
Blue Quill swallowed, carefully thinking about everything the other pony had just said. He couldn't ask him to repeat himself again, so there couldn't be any risk of misunderstanding. Once he was certain he had correctly heard every part of that, he nodded, one swift movement.
'Y-yes. I understand."
He clenched his teeth. He'd stuttered. He couldn't allow himself to stutter. What was the other pony thinking? Did the stutter mean that Blue wouldn't be considered for a position? His breath started to come a little quicker, but he clamped down on it, hard, pushing the reaction down as far as he could until he could deal with it. Dotted was speaking again- what had he said? Start listening, see if you can pretend!
"-check in with my secretary, and we'll file you for later consideration."
Blue nodded, that one quick motion again. The earth pony across the desk from him hadn't started screaming at him, so he hadn't done too terribly bad yet, but it would be a good idea to leave as soon as possible before he did something too bad. He slid off of the seat that he'd been perched on, hooves making faint padding sounds as they landed on the carpeted floor. He opened the door with his magic, horn glowing a faint, light blue, and stepped out into the reception area, letting it close behind him.
The same well of emotional response surged up in a brief wave inside him and he squeezed his eyes shut, taking in a quick breath as he struggled to push it back down again. He fought hard against the roiling wave, which battled nearly as hard to get up and out, but he was more practiced at this, too. Eventually, the wave weakened and receded, and he was able to put it back in the box it came from and open his eyes again.
The reception itself was pretty standard for offices such as these. Fluorescent squares interchanged with black-speckled ceiling tile, all bound together with the same sort of stuff between them as they always had in any office building in any city. It was kind of a plastic, he guessed, though he didn't really know. One light square was dimmer than the others. That bothered him.
At the walls, the ceiling tile gave away to white-painted surfaces which stretched between the tiles and the carpeted floor. Scratches and mars decorated the paint from where chairs or otherwise had scraped or banged against it at some point in time, and small bumps and dips indicated where past wounds had been painted over like scars. The carpet was a thin close-weave, dense, factory standard like everything else. The chairs were markedly uncomfortable, plastic seating and plastic backed, not much better than mass-produced folding chairs. He knew very well how it felt to sit in one, seeing as he'd been here for two hours before he'd had the courage to talk to the secretary.
The secretary was sitting behind the desk, hooves rapidly beating out patterns on a two-paneled keyboard that operated the computer he was working at. A few knickknacks littered the pony's desk, a few little office toys, another name tag, a drinking bird and a picture of what appeared to be his family. Blue didn't remember his name. It was probably important.
Before he could maneuver around to see the nametag, the secretary noticed him and nodded Blue over. Blue's ears twitched back slightly and, feeling like he was going to the chopping block, he approached. Hopefully the stallion wouldn't expect Blue to know his name; Blue's composure was fragile at best right now.
"We just need you to sign a couple papers, fill out some contact details- that okay with you?"
Blue struggled not to look down at his hooves.
"That's... okay."
The stallion frowned, then shrugged. "Alright, then. Have a nice day."
Blue mumbled something, he wasn't exactly sure what, and made his way to the office door. That closed behind him too, and he found himself alone in the hallway outside, which smelt a bit like bleach. He didn't even register his surroundings as he turned left, plodding down the hallway to the nearest elevator, hitting the down button and stepping back, allowing his gaze to shift back to his hooves as he waited.
It was only a few moments before there was a ding. He made to step in, but froze when he looked up and realized that the car wasn't empty. A female pegasus, light pink with a darker stripe in her mane and tail, was there. Her wings and feathers were bent in that peculiar way that only pegasi could look at and not wince a little, holding up a few documents that she was frowning at. Blue took a breath, then another, managing to make his hoof come down right on the metal divide that bordered the elevator door. He cringed inward at the noise his hoof made against it, sending a quick fearful glance at the mare, but she didn't even react, not even so much as a glance away from her papers.
Suddenly aware that he was probably inconveniencing her with his delay, he pushed past his hesitation and entered the car, turning back towards the doors and practically pressing himself to the rail on the other side. If she noticed his behavior, she didn't make any indication of it.
The button for the ground floor was already pressed, so Blue moved his hoof to the door close button and depressed it. The elevator doors slid shut, and his gaze wandered up to the floor number above them on a small digital display. Six, five, four, three. He prayed to the Sisters that nopony else wanted to go down, not right now. Two, one... ground. The elevator dinged, and the doors slid open. The mare glanced up, nodded to herself, and slid the papers into a saddlebag at her side before trotting out and into the space beyond. Blue, for his part, gathered his courage before forcing his way out of the car just as the doors began to close.
The cavernous space beyond that made up the main entrance area to the building made him feel not-good. Almost instinctively, he edged towards the sides, making his way around to the front and the exit, dodging a plant on his way there. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see the receptionist and the businessmare giving him odd looks. His ears plastered to his skull, he slipped around the last small barrier of glass around the revolving door that led out and pushed his way through and into the open air.
He recoiled slightly at the noise and bustle of the city itself, so different from the quiet that he'd just spent the last couple of hours in. After a moment, his eyes opened again, and his ears slowly lifted from where they'd been pressed flat.
The Manehatten streets were packed with ponies of all types, unicorns, pegasi, earth ponies, and even a single thestral, who was staring at a map and looking markedly confused. Blue took all this in in a moment, then joined the stream of the crowd, heading left, planning the left turns he'd need to make to get home. Left felt nice.
Losing himself in the crowd was almost a comfort. Sound echoing among the glass and steel monoliths that made up downtown proper formed a white noise that lulled Blue into a calm, almost meditative state. Individual ponies judged and watched and snickered behind his back when he wasn't looking, but crowds didn't. Crowds were faceless masses of individuals, where nopony judged anypony else, and he could lose himself in the anonymity for a moment and forget who he was, just following the steps that would take him home.
His ears perked at an odd sound that didn't mesh with the normal sounds of the city, snapping him out of his reverie. It sounded rather like a musical note, but that would mean... horror stole across his visage as he realized that he was coming up on a corner where a musician pony was set up with a sax, operating the valves and buttons that adorned the brass sides of the thing with dexterous hooves. From Blue's perspective, the instrument might as well have been a battleaxe, aimed to cleave his head from his shoulders- was the musician looking his way? Blue could almost feel the stare burning into him, almost see the sneer spreading across the stallion's sunglasses, judging him for his most recent failure- no. No. He struggled to get his breathing under control. He was Blue Quill, twenty-two years old. He lived in Apartment 6-22, twenty-five-two-two Celstial lane, today was Thursday. He was Blue Quill, twenty two years...
He repeated the mantra to himself, over and over again, always the same. Name, age, address, date, name, age, address, date. The repetition allowed him to bring his breathing under control again and look up at the musician. The stallion wasn't even looking in his direction, chatting with another stallion that had made his way up. Blue took his chance and hurried past, though he hesitated at the sax case with some bits in it laid out in front of the sax player. He took a single half-bit from his saddlebags, turned it over in his magic two times, and dropped it in the case. Before the sax player could even turn around or thank him, Blue was gone in the crowds again, weaving among them and getting a little distance before he slowed down again.
He didn't remember being this bad for quite a while. Had he taken his meds? No, he hadn't- he'd checked his bottle this morning, like every morning, shaken it out, put the cap back on, then taken it off and shaking it out again. It hadn't changed how empty it was. He hadn't taken any. When had he had some last? It didn't matter.
Another left turn. He could see his apartment building at the end of the street. Almost there. He'd been really hoping he could do it this time- this one had been so close to home. He'd been fired for being late too many times before because he had had to take too many detours to avoid things that had scared him, like advertisers or protesters or the occasional homeless pony or a musician, and being so close to home would have minimized the chance of the universe placing an obstacle in his path to prevent him from reaching work on time. He tapped his hoof twice.
His key slid into the front door's lock, and it clicked, allowing him in and swinging shut behind him automatically as he trotted through. Another key, attached to the first by a small ring, unlocked a mailbox in the front. He closed his eyes- he couldn't see what was in the box, it was bad luck. He closed the box, then opened the box again and looked. His stomach sank through the floor as apparently that hadn't helped, and a series of bills still sat there. Despondently, he levitated the letters into his saddlebags and closed the lid again. It must be because he had walked past the musician and given him money- had it been the money, or had it been walking past him? He'd avoid musicians completely in the future.
The stairs up to the sixth floor were steep, but he was used to them, and the climb went swiftly. However, at the fifth floor landing, his progress was halted by a blue pegasi. Cloud Catcher, Blue thought to himself. His name was cloud catcher. Blue's eyes flicked to the hard line of Cloud's jaw and the soft fur of his neck before his stomach jerked and he glanced to one side. Cloud seemed not to notice, brightening as he noticed Blue.
"Bluey!" Cloud had always called him that. "It's good to see you! How are you? How'd that interview go?"
Blue had a moment of confusion, then remembered with a start that Cloud had cornered him when he'd retrieved the summons from the office he'd applied to, and had gently coerced what it had been out of him in a way only Cloud seemed to manage. Blue shuffled uncomfortably, wishing that he could sink through the floor. Cloud's smile flickered for a moment, then returned full force.
"So, how'd it go? Did you get the job? 'Cause, if you did, then we NEED to go out for drinks to celebrate! I mean-"
"I didn't get it."
Cloud blinked. "Huh?"
"I didn't get it..."
Now the pegasi's expression truly fell. "Oh, Bluey, I'm so sorry... do you need anyth-"
Blue tensed. "I'm okay."
Concern made itself known in the corners of Cloud's expression, and in his eyebrows drawing together.
"... Are you sure? I've got a new game back at my place, we could..."
Blue squeezed his eyes shut. "I'm. Fine."
Cloud seemed to hesitate, ears down, then stepped to the side and allowed Blue to pass. As Blue Quill reached a few steps above him, he half-turned and spoke again.
"If you need anything... come by. Please."
Blue stopped for a moment, then made a little nod before continuing up the steps. Cloud watched him go, something sad written across his muzzle.
Blue Quill finally made it to his floor, exhausted from even that short conversation, and plodded his way down to his door. Apartment twenty-two. The third and final key on his keyring unlocked the door, allowing him in, and he shut and locked the door behind him, the deadbolts sliding home.
The one-room studio was a little shabby. His lone pot sat in the sink after it had been used to make a batch of ramen noodles for his dinner the previous night, and would need to be washed out for use tonight as well, for the same exact purpose. His bed was little more than a shabby mattress in a frame that he had salvaged from a streetcorner. Bits and pieces of trash lay across the floor of the room, leading back to a small pile of paper that Blue studiously avoided looking at. Without thinking, he unlocked all the locks on the front door, then locked them twice. He made sure all the locks were tight, the window curtain drawn, everything buttoned up tight. Then, he slumped against the door and let it all go. The control he'd held on since that moment observing the name plaque on that desk vanished into thin air.
He sobbed, softly and lightly, crumpled into a ball and pressed against the door, tears streaming down his face and his hooves covering his muzzle to prevent the escape of any sound. After all, he didn't want to bother the neighbors...
"If you need anything... come by. Please."
Cloud watched as Blue came to a halt, then nodded before continuing up the stairs. Most ponies would have been insulted by such little acknowledgement, with clearly no intent to commit, but Cloud felt a spark of happiness in him at that mere motion. Because Cloud knew what it really meant. He'd been watching the unicorn, as neighbors were want to do. It had started months ago, when Blue had first moved in...
Cloud had been at first merely interested in the squirrelly little neighbor he'd acquired, nothing more than that. But as time passed, and Blue had ceased to be an interesting novelty to the others in their building's hallway, he'd still captured Cloud's attention for entirely different reasons. At first, all Cloud had seen was a (cute) stallion that seemed to be a little nervous. However, the longer he'd watched and the more he'd learned, the more he felt connected to and almost protective of the unicorn.
He'd seen how Blue would avoid eye contact with other ponies, his gaze skittering away from their eyes as his hooves shuffled and he almost retreated into himself, how the tiny tics and shifts that he'd learned indicated anxiety and fear slowly increased the longer a conversation wore on. He'd seen how Blue tensed at the slightest physical contact, how his pupils shrank to pinpricks when he was cornered. He'd noticed how Blue had had to build his confidence for thirty minutes once, when he'd accidentally locked his keys in his apartment, not to mention the near-panic attack Blue had had in the hallway. And he'd felt a pang of pain in his heart every time he passed by the door, and heard the muffled sobs that came through it.
Cloud didn't expect eye contact. He spoke softly and succinctly, and knew when to push and when not to. He didn't make physical contact unless Blue invited or initiated it, always making sure that Blue had an easy escape route. He'd sat with Blue from the moment he'd noticed the unicorn having a panic attack in the hallway, had calmed him for a whole five minutes before slowly walking him down the stairs and to the ground floor, where he'd sat quietly with Blue for the entire time, patiently waiting for the unicorn to be ready. And...
Cloud knew what was happening behind that door. More fear, and self hatred, and sadness. Slowly, he turned around in the stairwell, after he'd waited for the sound of Blue's door to shut. he trotted back up the steps and into the hallway, all the way down to the twenty-second door, pressing his ear to it.
An expression of anguish slipped across his muzzle as he heard the sobbing from the pony within. He drew back a pace and rapped his hoof twice against the door, as gently as he could, then waited. To his surprise, after a moment, the door locks disengaged and the door swung in a little. Trotting carefully, Cloud slipped through the crack and closed the door behind him. And there, for anypony to easily say, lay Blue. Curled up in a ball, the occasional sob or sniffle coming from him. The expression of anguish was still there, but this time...
He stood over the slightly smaller unicorn stallion and licked his lips.
"Code?"
Blue shifted slightly, shivering a little, but he replied in a shaky voice.
"Blue."
Cloud breathed a sigh of relief, then gently laid down and pulled the unicorn up against him. Blue went limp, but that was okay, because Cloud held him close and stroked him gently, each time in one direction two times before stopping and going the other direction. Slowly, the sniffling and sobs died out, Blue now just pressed into his warmth.
Cloud couldn't do much. But he could do this.