Everypony has secrets. Some are big and scary, and we hold them as close to our hearts as we can without letting the shame burn us. Some are small but important, and we hold them curled in our hooves like a bundle of frail flowers. But for every secret we have, we usually have a friend who is our secret keeper. Somepony to help hold onto those burdens big and small.
“Fluttershy, darling, I’m serious!” Rarity said as she set down her teacup.
I frowned slightly. “I’m sorry, Rarity. I’m just having a hard time seeing you as a… um…”
“A social climbing bitch?”
I winced. That was not a phrase I would use to describe my friend. “That… was it. I know you and Twilight talked about this the other day, and I know it’s still bothering you, but… do you really want to give in to the perceptions of others around you and change yourself because of it?”
Rarity gave me a patient smile like I wasn’t fully understanding what she was saying. She put her hoof on mine.
“Darling, like I told Twilight last night, I’m not changing who I am. I’m just…” she trailed off a moment as she looked away from me. “Expressing concerns. Twilight understands, but she’s also got her duties that put her in contact with many of the ponies that, to be frank, make me feel that way. It’s not that I’m keeping it from her, I just…” She tilted her head to the side, her curled mane bouncing slightly.
“You want to keep it a secret so Twilight doesn’t worry.” I worried that I might be off, but Rarity seemed to be leaning toward keeping things quiet.
She clapped her hooves together. “Precisely! I fully understand that this is something I need to work through on my own, but I’d rather not have her fret about it,” she pursed her lips. “Though I am dreadfully sorry to put this on you, Fluttershy.”
“Oh, it’s alright, Rarity. I’m sure you’ll figure you out eventually!”
“I do so hope you’re right.”
Secret keepers have to be quiet. Not always in the shy way that I am, but they have to know the value of silence. Secrets thrive in the silence. But if allowed to thrive, secrets have a way of growing in their power over ponies. Like the time Pinkie Pie had to keep quiet about Cadence expecting a foal. Like the time Rainbow Dash was too proud to say she was nervous.
“Yeah, but you gotta keep it a secret!” Pinkie said, her voice lilting as she bounced behind the counter at Sugarcube Corner.
I rolled my eyes. “I know how important making sure the Cakes’ twins second birthday special is to you, Pinkie. I can keep a secret.”
She eyed me suspiciously for a long moment from across the counter, then snagged a cupcake and gobbled it up. “Oh, I know! I just want this to be a surprise for them!”
Pumpkin and Pound Cake were turning two. I expected that, short of telling them, anything would come as a surprise. But I didn’t say it.
“Do you need any help with getting everything together for the party, Pinkie?” I asked instead.
“Nope! We’ve got most of the stuff here already, and I always have stashes of party supplies hidden all over Ponyville. Auntie Pinkie’s got this all settled. But thanks for offering, Fluttershy!”
I nodded, then scuffed a hoof on the ground. “Um, if you don’t need me then, Pinkie, I’m going to go check on the animals.”
My friend shoved a small package into my hooves. “Oh! Don’t forget that. Those are the suet cakes for the birds,” she explained.
“You made sure that they weren’t actual cakes this time, right?” I asked, quirking an eyebrow at her.
She nodded, looking a little sheepish. “I borrowed a book from Twilight on recipes for birds this time. I have a feeling they’ll appreciate the sunflower seed and peanut suet more than the little teacakes I made last time.”
I chuckled. “Well, Mr. Robin liked your teacakes. He just got a really bad tummy ache from all the sugar.”
“Well, then these should be much more birdy tummy friendly!” Pinkie replied. “Let me know if I need to make any recipe adjustments later!” She called as I trotted out the door.
Secret keepers learn to expect the unexpected. You never really fully know the burden that somepony may be carrying in their heart. The secret you hold about the failed test that haunts you to this day. The doozy of a secret about the time they did something for a friend, only to have it backfire in their face. The secret about the dreams you once had, and now keep in your attic because life chose a different path for you than you expected.
“Fluttershy, do you have a minute?” a filly’s voice called out from behind me.
I turned around as Scootaloo rolled up beside me on her scooter.
“Sure, Scootaloo. What do you need?” I asked, giving her a big smile.
The crusader opened her mouth to say something, then closed it. “You know what, you’re probably busy. Sorry I asked,” she said, stepping like she was about to speed away, but she seemed like she was wilting a bit. Like she was carrying a weight that I couldn’t see.
“Did you want to help me feed the kitties again?” I asked, recalling that Scootaloo really enjoyed her time volunteering at the shelter with Applebloom and Sweetie Belle when the Crusaders weren’t busy with their own adventures.
She perked up at that. “Oh! Well, I mean, yeah! That’d be cool,” she followed beside me as we made our way through Ponyville toward the shelter. I was content with the silence, but she seemed to fidget every so often.
“Are you sure nothing’s bothering you, Scootaloo?” I asked, opening the door to the shelter for her.
She hesitated before trotting inside. “Yeah, no. Everything’s cool! Mostly…”
“Mostly?” I opened the door to the cattery, and was greeted by the happy meows of all my kitty friends waiting for homes.
Scootaloo let her scooter rest against the wall and took a seat in the middle of the room. One of the cute little black kittens immediately curled up on the orange filly’s lap. She rewarded him with petting.
“Aunt Holiday and Auntie Lofty got into a fight at home,” she said quietly, her hoof running through the kitten’s soft fur.
I nodded as I started to fill the food bowls for the kitties. “Is everything alright with them?” I asked, giving an orange tomcat, Pickles, a pet behind the ears.
“Oh yeah! Totally. Or… at least I think it is,” Scootaloo frowned. “I’m not really sure, to be honest. They don’t really argue, and I kind of feel like this is my fault.”
“Your fault?”
She nodded. “They were arguing about my parents,” she said softly. “I think they were frustrated that I’ve been staying with them so long. I don’t… I don’t really know though, because I heard my name and my mom’s name and I kind of got out of there. Ya know?”
I nodded. “Parents fighting can be very scary.”
“Yeah, well… they aren’t my parents. Well, kind of. Sort of. Not really. It’s complicated,” Scootaloo said, making a slightly awkward shrug. “I just don’t want to get sent away from Ponyville.”
I turned to fill the white kitten’s bowl to hide my smile. Given enough time, a little nudge, and a bit of patience, most ponies will come around to say what they need to say.
“That would be really sad. Though maybe something else is going on?” I asked, turning back to face her.
Scootaloo frowned. “I guess. I just. One of my biggest fears is that my folks are going to end up settling down somewhere, then I’ll have to leave Ponyville to go live with them,” She covered her mouth with her hooves. “Argh, sorry. That’s… please don’t tell Applebloom or Sweetie Belle. Or worse, Twilight! She’ll try to fix it!”
I sat down in front of Scootaloo, getting myself down to her eye level. I reached over and gave the kitten a pet before speaking. “I think it’s normal to be scared of having to leave your friends, Scootaloo. But that doesn’t mean you have to worry about it alone,” I said, tilting my head to try to meet her eyes.
She looked up at me, then nodded. “I guess I have been kind of trying to keep it a secret, yeah.”
“Could it also be because you’re keeping it a secret, that’s why your aunt’s fight made things a little scarier?”
She seemed to mull this over a moment, then finally nodded. “Probably,” she admitted. “Because if I don’t really know what I’d do without the crusaders. I know I have things I enjoy, but… they’re… they’re both…” tears welled up at the corners of her eyes. “You know?”
I did know, and I nodded. “Sweetie Belle and Applebloom were the first ponies you made friends with here that made you feel like you belonged, right?”
Scootaloo nodded, wiping her eyes. “Yeah. And… I don’t want to lose that.”
“Would it be better to tell them that?” I asked.
“I couldn’t do that!” she protested. “They’d think I was getting all mushy and weird!”
I somehow doubted that to be the case. “Hmm, maybe mushy, but certainly not weird,” I said, putting a hoof on her shoulder. “Though of all the things for them to think about you, if they think you’re a little mushy, is that really so bad? Even Rainbow Dash gets mushy sometimes,” I added with a wink.
“Really?”
“Really really. Though I think she might appreciate it if you keep her secret, Scootaloo.”
She thought that over a moment, then nodded. “Yeah, I can do that. And if Rainbow Dash can be mushy… Maybe I can let myself be that sometimes. But only a little bit!”
“I think a little bit of something is good,” I replied, getting up off of my hooves to continue feeding the cats. “Though feel free to spend as much time with the kittens as you need, Scootaloo.”
The inevitability about secrets is that they always carry a weight to them. Some are light, easy to bear, and mean little when we let them go. The secret about Mayor Mare’s mane colouring, Pinkie’s next party,or who is going to be the mystery guest at the Summer Sun Celebration. Others are heavier, and you start to feel them at the end of the day. Why the Princess sent the Royal Guard to Baltimare. Why Ditzy-Doo raises Dinky alone. The socially accepted lie we tell our friends when we say that we are ‘fine.’
“I don’t know if I can do this, Fluttershy,” Twilight said as she paced around the map room. I followed her as she worked toward pacing a rut in the crystal floor. “We need it, but, I know it’s going to upset ponies!”
I frowned. “I know it’s worrying you, Twilight, but a couple bit tax goes a long way toward funding the new mental health program that Nurse Redheart wants in the Ponyville Hospital. Don’t you think having a heartmender in town would be good? Especially since weird things seem to happen here a lot?”
Twilight stopped in her pacing, and shot me a look. “Fluttershy, for you it’s a couple of bits. For other ponies, it’s more. It’s a lot of bits. And Rarity and I were just talking about how hard it is to balance the needs of the average citizens with the demands of the nobles! This tax will hit the nobles and other wealthy harder than it will ponies like you who make just enough to get by. And Rarity is one of the ponies who would get a higher tax than most!”
There was the crux of the issue. I figured that, deep down, Twilight knew that the new tax levy was something the town needed. But if it was going to affect her friends in an uneven way, that would be why it would upset her.
“I think that Rarity would understand that, Twilight. Especially since the tax would probably hit your budget even harder than it would hit hers.”
Twilight paused in her pacing, then frowned. “Yes, that’s true, but-”
“But?”
She frowned. “What if this really hurts her business and then she struggles and has to close a store or two and she’ll be so disappointed and… oh, this is bad!” Twilight rubbed her head with both hooves, messing up her mane.
“Twilight, I feel like you’re more worried about hurting Rarity than actually passing the tax,” I said gently. “Is everything alright between you two?”
Twilight gave me a smile that told me I’d struck home. “Well, yes. But no. But yes. I’m not sure,” she frowned. “We just had a rather sensitive conversation for her the other night, and now I’m more worried about how the decisions I make as a leader of Equestria affects her.”
“Because of how close the two of you are?”
Twilight stared at me as a stunned silence echoed through the map room.
“How di-”
“I listen, and I’m good at putting two and two together.”
“I get that but-”
“Nopony else knows.”
“How can you-”
“Because, let’s be honest, Twilight. Of all the ponies in Equestria, who is going to understand our group of friends better than the six of us? I could see how it might be hard to find somepony who actually… understands everything that we’ve all been through. And before you ask, no, Rarity has not said anything directly. But please, give me a little credit. I read between the lines in what ponies say a lot. I just don’t… speak on it much.” I explained.
Twilight opened her mouth, then closed it. She frowned, then trotted over to sit down across from me. I thought it interesting that she seemed more comfortable with the distance and the table between us.
“How long?” the question rang through the room.
“Only a few months,” I replied. “And before you ask, no, I don’t think anypony else has picked up on it. You two have been subtle. I just listen to you both when you talk.” I offered her a smile. “There’s… nothing wrong with it, you know.”
Twilight shook her head. “I didn’t say there was, I am… just surprised is all.”
I hid behind my mane. “Well, you know how it can be. Rainbow Dash hears, but she doesn’t always listen. You two could talk to Applejack, and she’d take what you’re saying at face value. And Pinkie would have been pestering one of you about it if she’d figured it out. But I keep the secrets for our friends,” I said, looking up at her with one eye hidden behind my mane. “I just put two and two together.”
Twilight’s expression wavered. “But… can you keep it a secret?”
I tossed my head, getting my mane out of my eyes. “Yes. I didn’t say anything to you before now because I knew it was private, Twilight. I’ve not said anything to Rarity because I think she knows that I know, but doesn’t feel she needs to explain herself to me. She knows that I’ll understand.”
Twilight gave me a little smile. “Yeah, she… does that sometimes. One of the many things I like about her. Or how if she is explaining something about herself to you, you know you need to listen because of how… vulnerable she is being with you.”
I nodded. “Mmhmm.”
Twilight seemed to crumble a little bit. “Fluttershy, I don’t know what I’m doing and I’m scared that I’m going to screw this up.”
“Twilight…”
She held up a hoof. “No, I mean it. I may be the princess of friendship, but I’m not the princess of relationships. That’s Cadence.”
“So why don’t you write to her if you are worried?” I asked. “I’m not… exactly the best mare to be asking about things like that.”
A pregnant silence settled between us. Rainbow Dash had gone on many dates. Applejack tried to make time to see some colt or another. Pinkie still exchanged letters with Cheese Sandwich, though none of us really could be one hundred percent sure what was happening there, or if her letters to Princess Skystar meant something more than they just liked sending letters to each other.
But I didn’t do things like that.
Twilight took a breath in, then let it out slowly. “I probably should be asking her. I just… I really don’t want to make a mistake.”
I nodded. “I understand that, but I also think that this is something you need to talk out with Cadence and Rarity. If you are worried about the taxes, maybe talking them over with Rarity would help. And if you need relationship advice, maybe think about sending Cadence a letter?” I offered.
Twilight bit her lip, then nodded. “I… you’re probably right, Fluttershy. Though could you keep this a secret for just a bit longer? I’m sorry to put this on you.”
“It’s ok, Twilight. I’m fine.”
Secrets in number are heavy, even if that number is one. The burden of the secret keeper is carrying those weights for others. The hardest thing at the end of the day is learning how to set down the bundle of flowers made from marble, and let yourself rest. Carry them too long, and you wear yourself out. Hold them too close to your chest, and they start to burn you, too.
I closed the door behind me and sank down on the doormat. It had been a long day. The lights in my kitchen were on, and a soft humming echoed through my small home.
“Is that you, Fluttershy, dear?” Discord called out. “I hope you don’t mind, but I’ve borrowed your kitchen. Though I do have some rather delightful french toast if you’d like some.”
“That sounds lovely, Discord,” I said, trotting over to my couch, and allowing myself to collapse into a heap.
The draconequus peered out of the kitchen at me and frowned.
“Hmm, something seems off,” he said, snaking his upper body out of the kitchen. “You’ve not gained weight,” he said, lifting me up off of the couch before setting me back down. “But you feel… denser somehow.”
I offered him a small smile. “I’m just tired, Discord. It’s been a long day. And I’ve listened to a lot of ponies.”
“Well that’s concerning,” he said, snapping his fingers and wrapping a blood pressure cuff around my foreleg. I watched him patiently as he pumped it up, took my pulse, then nodded. “Ah! That’s it. Too many secrets!” he sat down next to me on the couch. “Do you need to talk about it? Is there some rapscallion who could use the forces of chaos to realign their life?”
I shook my head. I did need to talk about it, but those weren’t my secrets to share. Secrets weren’t secrets when spread, and I was accustomed to carrying the weight.
“No, I’ll be fine, Discord,” I said, resting my head on my friend’s middle. “Though I think french toast sounds like a good way to recover from the day.”
He nodded, and his hands wandered off to the kitchen. “Well, french toast I can provide. Though honestly, Fluttershy, if you need to talk, I am here to listen.”
Discord could be very gentle when he wanted to be, but I shook my head. “I know, and thank you,” I said, giving him a smile as his hands returned with plates of breakfast for dinner. “It means a lot.”
“Any time, Fluttershy. For you, any time.”
Everypony has secrets. Some are beautiful and wrapped in golden wrapping paper. Some are heavy and covered in teeth and claws that make them hurt to hold onto. A good secret keeper hangs onto them for their friends, no matter their size, shape, or nature. But she also knows that sometimes she needs to set those secrets down, and sometimes needs to let her friends help her carry them, even if they don’t know what those packages contain.
Author's Note
If you've read Monochromatic's Snakes and Ladders, the bit with Rarity makes more sense.
Sometimes being the secret keeper is exhausting.
