I Have a Rock!

by Chemtest

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Other, Adventure, Maud Pie, Profanity, Random, Discord, Violence, Human, Main 6, Changelings, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 4574

(Displaced) Somebody goes to by something from the Merchant, and now has to save the world.

Clyde went to the Merchants stand, and buys only one item. This item is powerful, and it is only because of this one item that Clyde will be able to save the world from the Changeling Queen’s evil!

Published 2018-06-16 00:20:07 UTC
Last updated 2018-07-18 17:28:02 UTC

Getting stoned

Hi, my names Clyde, sometimes known as Faggot. I’ve heard rumors from my many friends on BoulderTM That there is a really shady man that looks like the RE4 Merchant selling stuff. It was an offer I couldn’t refuse. It’s at a local convention about something or another, I don’t really care.

I pull my ushanka closer, and make sure the Soviet Star stays on, and walk in. I look around with my regular blank look,,until I find the Merchant.

I walk over to the stall, “Hello, stranger, come to buy my wares?”

I nod, “Sure.”

He flourishes over to his items, “Allow me to show you a few, stranger.”

I shrug, “Alright.”

He picks up a small, handheld toy gun, “A plasma pistol from the Halo series.”

He picks up a pointed helmet, “The helmet of the Dark Lord Sauron.”

He picks up a toy dagger, “Mehrunes Razor from the Elder Scrolls series.”

He picks up a blue pickaxe, “A diamond pick from Minecraft.”

He throws it away, and picks up a shield with a triangle on the front, “Link’s shield from The Legend of Zelda.”

He then shrugs as he looks around, “Bit low on wares today.”

I scratch my chin as I think over the choices. I look down, and see exactly what I’ve needed, “How much for this rock?”

The Merchant looks at the rock in my grasp, “A boulder?”

I shake my head, “It’s not a boulder, it’s a rock.”

He looks at me in disbelief, “You want to buy a rock. Out of all the items here?”

I nod, and look closer at the rock, “It’s perfectly round, and it’s pretty smooth even if a tiny bit heavy. It’s the perfect rock.” I look back up at him, “How much for the rock?”

The Merchant face-palms, “Okay, look... when you buy something here, you go to another world with that real object. Like the plasma pistol would be real. The only thing that can be done with the rock is to make it always strike its target, and always come back.”

“How much?”

“You realise that buying something here will send you to another world. Where you’ll never come back?”

I look back down at the rock, and comptemplate my choices. I mean, I like my family, Papa Womble has been good and all... but still. I look him in the eye, “How much?”

The Merchant bangs his head into a table, “That wasn’t even on sale... fine, just give me a penny or something.”

I search my wallet, “I only have a ten. You can keep the change.”

He looks at the money I give him, and slowly shakes his head, “Look, I’ll... I’ll just give you change in that worlds currency. It’s the least I could do for someone who only has a stone.”

“Rock.”

He snaps his fingers, makeing a portal beneath me, “Just... just go.”

I nod at him as I slip in, “Thanks for the rock.”

———

I land in a field surrounded by more rocks. I hold my rock in my hands, “I think I’ll call you... Clive”

“That’s a nice rock you got there.” I hear a monotone voice from behind me.

I turn around, and see a grey pony wearing dark grey cloathing, “Thanks. His names Clive.”

The pony takes a pouch out of her cloak. She unwraps it, revealing another rock, “This is Boulder.”

We both sit down, and place our rocks near each other, “Come on, Clive, don’t be shy.”

She places Boulder down, “You have someone to play with, Boulder.”

The two rocks sit next to each other as the both of us watch them intently. I then turn to her, “I’m Clyde, nice to meet another rock keeper.”

She nods, “My names Maud, it’s the same. So, how did you get Clive?”

I smile as I remember, “I actually just bought him.”

She looks back at Clive, “He looks very nice. Smooth, big, round, also looks like limestone. Very rare around here.”

I look at Boulder, “Boulder also looks very nice. Smooth and perfectly imperfect granite.”

We both sit in silence as we watch our rocks play, then Maud breaks the silence, “You know, you are a creature that’s not been seen before.”

I shrug, “Okay.”

She tilts her head in a direction, “That means you’ll probably want to be seen by Twilight. She’s one of my sisters friends.”

I look at her, “Another rock holder?”

She shakes her head, “No, that would only be me and you.” She grabs Boulder, and puts him back in the pouch, “Come on, let’s go to the train station. I can pay for you to go to her. I’ve also wanted to visit my sister, so it’s win-win.”

I grab Clive, and stand up, “So, why are there so many rocks around here?”

We start to walk, “My family is mostly a rock farm. Only my sister I’ve talked about, Pinkie Pie, does something else. We farm rocks, that’s how I got my Boulder. It’s also why I care about rocks.”

I nod, “I care because that’s what Papa Womble says to do. He was the one who taught me how to truely know rocks.”

She maintains the nutural look, “I reacued Boulder from the other rocks. He was getting bullied by them because he was granite instead of quarts. I managed to save him, and kept him ever since. The rocks aren’t that kind out here.”

I listen towards one of these huge rocks, ”Look at that stupid limestone over there, called Clive. Bet he can’t do anything to good quarts like me.”

I stop in my tracks, causing Maud to stop as well, “That quarts just insulted Clive!”

She shakes her head, “Don’t mess with the quarts, they are too tough.”

I look over at the quarts, “Oi, Quarts! Eat Clive!”

I wind up, and throw Clive right towards him, “Go Clive!”

Clive collides in the middle of the Quarts, causing it to break in half. Clive returns to my hand, and I pet him, “Good job, Clive. You got him.”

Maud looks at Clive like always, “I guess Clive is quite powerful.”

I nod, “Now, let’s go on.”

Author's Note

If none of you get the reference, look up ‘The Culling Bullshittery (part one) by Soviet Womble’

And you know why I did this? Because why the Clive not?

Bigger and Boulder

We walk into this new town, still chatting about rocks, “I’ve made poems in the past, want to hear?”

I look over at Maud as we walk, “About rocks?”

“What do you think?”

I nod, “Then let’s hear it.”

She clears her throught, and starts, “Rock. You are a rock. Gray. You are gray. Like a rock. Which you are. Rock.” She looks back at me, “I’ve written thousands.”

I nod, “I have also made poems, and songs. Clive here has a few favorites.”

“What would those be?”

I think, “Womble is a faggot, Womble never sees the light of day, Womble is a cunt, Womble is gay, nobody likes Soviet, just fuck Womble, used to throw Clive in the Culling, and Clive never got to show him it.”

She nods, “It’s pretty good, even though I don’t know who Womble is.”

I shrug, “There’s Papa Womble, but he’s not gay. This other Womble must be a faggot.”

We walk into town proper, “Wonder why Clive hates him.”

“He apparently used to throw Clive in the Culling. Now, I’ll take much more care of him, and keep track of him. There isn’t a ZedF Cyanide to throw him away now.”

We walk the rest of the way in silence, and stop in front of a tree. Maud raises up a hoof, and knocks.

A purple alicorn awnsers the door, “Hello? Oh, Maud! It’s been so long since you visited!”

She nods, “Thought it was time to visit. I also brought a new friend.”

“Oh? A new friend?”

I lean down, “Hello there, I’m Clyde.” I hold out my hand, “This is Clive.”

She looks right at me, “Oh, I’ve never seen anything like you before. I’m Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship.”

I look over at Maud, “Do you think I could become the Prince of Rocks?”

She shrugs, “Maybe.”

Twilight interjects, “Sadly, I don’t think you’ll be able to. Unless some huge invasion by a long gone enemy were to occur within the week, I don’t think you’d get the hero points.”

I shrug sadly, “Well, at least I’ll have Clive.”

She nods, “Yes, he’s a very nice... rock, as well.” She shakes her head, “What am I doing, keeping you out here like this? Come on inside the Library, you can also meet my friends.”

I nod with my stoney expression, “Sure.”

She moves in, and I follow after Maud.

Sitting at a table in the middle of the room are five other mares. Yellow, pink, orange, white, and a blue one with rainbow hair. She specificly is stareing at me, “Monster!”

She hops out of her chair, and is about to lunge at me. Luckily, I see this happening before she can fully get up.

I raise my hand, and throw as hard as I can, “GO, CLIVE!”

She continues flying towards me, but Clive is in her way.

She is right near Clive, right before the blow will be delivered...

Author's Note

I’m real sorry about that right there. Been real tired these past few days, and I couldn’t write that much. I decided to turn that into a joke.

Nickel back

I sit down at the table, and give Clive a piece of bread that was offered to me, “So, Rainbow, what did you learn about calling Clive a monster?” I ask with my same straight expression.

She gives no response, unconscious bodies don’t regularly respond in my exprence. One of her friends does respond, this one the yellow one, “I’m sure she’ll apologize when she wakes up.”

I nod, “She better, Clive doesn’t like that.”

She holds out a hoof, “I’m Fluttershy, nice to meet you, Clive.”

I look over at Clive, with half of his bread gone. He doesn’t move, “Well come on, Clive, don’t be shy. There are no mean ZedF Cyanide’s around here.”

Fluttershy gets a shocked look on her face when Clive moves up and touches her hoof, “H-how did that happen? Rocks don’t move, do they?”

I look right at her, “Most rocks are solitary and lazy, preferring to only move when needed. Clive was one of the more active ones who move a lot.” I hold out my hand, “I’m Clyde.”

We shake, “Well, it’s nice to meet someone who also has... interests like Maud.”

I nod at her, “Yes, it is so rare to meet another who appreciates rocks like me. Other than Maud was just Papa Womble, and Uncle Edberg. And Uncle Edberg was to busy talking to Globes to talk to rocks. Said he only talked to the ‘Globel Elites’, I never saw the appeal of the globe culture. After all, they come from rocks.”

I’m interrupted by the white one, “I must say, you have interesting tastes in fashion.”

I look over to her, and push up my tiny glasses, “I took it from the family.”

She looks me over, “That hat your wearing must be quite hot, all that fur on it.”

I reach up to my ushanka, and take it off. I look at it, “Eh, I’ve grown used to it.”

I hand it to her, “Hmm, interesting. What does the hat mean to you?”

I shrug, “It was given to me by Papa Womble after my first Culling. Said I did good, made us proud by participating.”

She hands it back, and I put it back on, “What about that pin on your cloak?”

I pick it up, and look at it’s blue background, and gold wings, assault rifles, and the blue globe inside, “This is the pin of the Globel Elites, a very prodigious society Uncle Edberg was a part of. He eventually left, and became something else. He gave me the pin to keep it safe.”

“What does it mean?”

I study it, and pin it back, “To remind me the difficulties that come with going to Dust Two, and how to succeed.”

She leans closer, “And how do you succeed?”

I think a bit, “I think Cousin Cyanide put it best, back when he served in Dust too. He says, ‘A bunch of P90 spam, and Auto bullshit, that’s all Edberg would do, and yet he gets to be Globul. I think their discriminating against me because I’m Indian.’ Maybe he is right, maybe not.”

“Wait, Cyanide? Didn’t you dislike him?”

I shake my head, “No, but Clive is afraid of him.”

She nods thoughtfully, “And what about that ragged poncho your wearing?”

I look down at it, and remember, “This came from Cousin Cyanide after he escaped Rust Island. He and the others were trapped there for an unknown amount of time, and came out fine. He called it his ‘dirty sex cape’.”

She recoils in disgust, “Egh, really!?”

I nod, “I know he was joking, I really hope he was, this was the thing that kept him warm and dry. It also protected him fro the trees that scratched at him, and the others who wanted to kill him.” My face drops a bit, “Like the ‘throwing tools’ incident I was told about. It was only this that kept him from receiving a hatchet to the back.”

Her face loses the look of disgust, “Oh. Well, what does this one mean?”

I remember when Cousin Cyanide gave me it, “I’ll always be protected, and someone will always have my back. Also that everything will become Rust in the end.”

She looks at the rest of me, “And what about the rest of your ensemble? The red, white, and blue clothes?”

I look at my American flag clothing, “This was from Cousin Phoenix, to remind me what he thought the best country was. They are the American flag. I understood rocks, Edberg globes, Cyanide cows, Phoenix understood flags.”

“And this one means?”

I shrug, “Freedom is best? I don’t really know.”

She looks at all in all, “And all together?”

“It reminds me that I always will have someone behind me. The ZedF clan will always be there to help. Womble, Cyanide, Phoenix, Edberg, Cake, all will be able to help.”

She smiles, “That is a very good message from your fashion. Though your family has some odd names.”

I nod, “They are strange people.”

I hear a snapping sound behind me, “Did I hear somepony say odd and strange?”

I look back to see an amalgamation of animals, “Yes.”

It smiles, “Well, looks like this is the place for me!” He pulls out a bag of money, and tosses it too me, “Here you go, child of ZedF. My friend told me you needed change.”

I catch it, and place it near Clive, “Clive will keep it safe.”

It looks right at Clive, “Oh yes, I must say, very energetic rock here! Here, let me get mine out!” He pulls out a chunk of marble, and places it next to Clive, “I call him Marbles, because I always lose him!”

*Bud um, chess.*

I nod, “Clive, Marbles, and Boulder can all play together.”

All three rocks are placed next to each other, and we sit and watch them. I think I hear Twilight face-hoof in the background, “Discord has rocks now too!?”

We just watch them some more, before the creature introduces itself, “I’m Discord, very nice too meet a fellow rock man.”

I nod back, “Same.”

Then we watch the rocks play some more.

Rock Rolled’ (I’m sorry, I just suck at comeing up with rock puns)

Rock Rolled’ (I’m sorry, I just suck at comeing up with rock puns)

After a while, Discord snaps up, “Oh, yes, I almost forgot! Silly me.” He takes out a long scroll, “I, Discord, have been sent to Princess Twilight Sparkle... ugh, who wrote this script?” He looks at a random wall, “I mean, really? This is what you want? From me, Discord, Lord of Chaos!? A paragraph of titles and extra nonsense?! I have seen better writing done by Clive, and he can barely pick up a pen!” He drags a claw down his face, “You know what? No, I’m not doing that. I am going to say what I am supposed to say, to Tartarus with that!”

Everyone is looking at him strangely, exept Maud and I. Twilight finally speaks up, “Are you okay, Discord?”

He looks back at the paper, “At this point, I don’t even know. Why don’t I just look at the script? That what you want, me just reading off this paper?” He looks at the paper in its whole, “Although I do like the color and the Rick Roll pun. But that’s beside the point! According to this, I’m supposed to be fine!? Well, guess what? What if I wasn’t!? Nobody who writes these things ever asks me if I’m doing good, it’s always someone else held by the script! Why do I never get asked if I’m fine?”

Suddenly, a blinding light flashes through the room. Only Clive, Clyde, Maud, Pinkie, and Discord could see the being within. The being peeks his head out, “Hey, Discord, you good? I’ve actually been worried, but I had to help Subcord with Hitler and all that. Are you feeling good, need a break?”

Discord throws the paper down, “It’s just been hard in home. Grandadcord just died last week, and Mothercord is broke. I’ve had to help pay my family’s bills, and I’m still reeling from student loans. Being imprisoned for one thousand years made the debt really build up. Sheo has been busy being turned into his orderly version, and Larson hardly ever visits! I’m struggling to make ends meet in the Homecord. I could always retire here, but then everycord wouldn’t respect me.”

The being nods, and snaps his fingers, “You just have to ask me, Discord, I’m always ready to help. I’ve just made you a millionaire, and I don’t need anything back. Now, let’s just go along with the script. The thing is nearing its end anyway, then you can have a moments rest. After you read the script, there are only like, two more pages.”

Discord smiles, “Thank you, Chem, it’s just been really hard. Clive and Clyde here are my first break. You know how to keep somecord loyal.”

The being smiles, and nods back, ”Just make sure your there when we watch the Reunification. We’ll have a fun time watching the events, and you can meet with the other Discords. I’ll hopefully see you then, Discord, just keep safe.”

Discord gives a claw up, “I wouldn’t miss it for the world. I’ll be there with everycord else.”

And with that, everyone can see again. Twilight looks directly at Discord, “What the buck was that, Discord!?”

Pinkie, Discord, Maud, and I all say at the same time, “Our creator, obviously.”

Discord snaps his finger, sending the paper flying away, “Well, let’s get back on track! Basically, Queen Chrysalis is going to invade again. That’s all I was here for.” He snaps, and holds Marbles in his grasp, “I’m pretty sure I’m supposed to go, but I think Marbles here still wants to play. Maybe smash into some Changeling face!”

I raise a hand, “What’s a Changeling?”

Discord snaps, and makes an illusion of a black bug pony, “They can shapeshift into anything, and I mean anything. They fight with horde tactics, underneath their Queen.”

I hold my hand up still, “Do they bleed green.”

Twilight nods slowly, “Yes... why?”

I point to an empty chair, “Rainbow Dash’s body is gone, and their is green blood in its place.”

Twilight gasps, “They got Rainbow!?”

Fluttershy puts her head down a bit, “That would explain why she attacked you.”

Twilight looks around, “We have to prepare! Call the Princesses!” She runs into another room.

“Hold on, I got this.” I hold Clive up, “Clive, what was the Changeling’s last thoughts before leaving?”

”Oh shit! We gotta invade now, they caught on!”

“Thank you, Clive.” I look up, “We have no time to prepare. They are invading.”

Fluttershy gasps, “How could you tell?”

I look out the window, “Well, Clive told me. And, look out the window.”

She looks out, and sees Changelings swarming the streets. And general chaos and running ponies outside.

Maud walks up next to me, “What will we ever do?”

I look at Clive, and know we’re thinking the same thing. Clive jumps into my hand, and I look outside, “I am going to show them the power of ZedF, and of Clive.”

Maud holds onto my leg when I try to move, “Don’t, it’s suicide.”

I look at her, “Clive and I can easily beat them. Lesson one: never underestimate the ZedF clan. We will be stupid enough to win everything.”

She looks at me with her same expression and voice, “You have a choice. Live, or hope not to die. Even with ZedF, can you succeed?”

I look out the door, “By the powers granted to me by Papa Womble, Cousin Cyanide, Uncle Edberg, and Cousin Phoenix, and Clive. I shall come back alive.”

“Be safe.”

I look back at Maud before I exit, “ZedF don’t do safe. And I do as my family does.”

I open the door, and step out.

Author's Note

Yeah, the end is approaching, but don’t worry. Clyde and Clive will have an important role in another story.

The Clive Parodox

I walk out of the door, and close it behind me. All the Changelings look at me, and I walk out into the street, “Take me to your leader.”

They all look at each other, before one looks back at me, “What are you?”

I look at them, “I am a Keeper of Clive, and you should take me to your leader.”

The Changeling still stares at me, “How could something like you hold a title?”

I hold Clive up, “I recommend you don’t say that again. Clive is really protective.”

They stifle a laugh, “What could a dumb rock do?!”

I look down at Clive, “Clive, you have free reign.”

Clive flys up from my palm, and right over at the Changeling. He looks as Clive approaches, and can only say one thing, “Shit.”

Clive hits him in the head, and knocks him out. Clive then returns to my hand as I look at the others, “Please, I wish to see your leader.”

Another Changeling flies down, and pokes his comrades body, “Eh, we never liked him anyway.” It looks up at me, and shrugs, “I’ve called the Queen to here, we just have to wait.”

I nod, “Okay.”

Then a huge Changeling comes flying in, presumably the Queen, “Why have I been called over here?”

The Changeling points at me, “He asked to see you.”

The Queen throws her head over to look at me, “What the blazes is that?”

I look her in the eye, “Hello, Queen, I simply wanted to know why you’ve taken over this town.”

She walks closer to me, “Well, duh, I’m the baddie of the week! And now that I’ve separated the Elements, I’ll be the first to win! Nothing will be able to stop me!”

I nod, “Quick question, are the Changelings a hive mind that rely upon you?”

She shrugs, “If I was killed or otherwise unable to be reached, they would retreat. Why?”

I look right at her, “I plan to stop you.”

She laughs out loud, “And what will you stop me with!?”

I look at myself, “Firstly, I can call in the ZedF clan whenever I want to. You don’t stand a chance against the full might of the ZedF. But I won’t call them in, unless I cannot win. They have all had their individual moments of greatness, now it’s my turn. They may have been Globals, Culling winners, survivors of Rust Island, or Janitor of the year, but I shall be the one who single handily stoped a hostel invasion.”

She looks at me as well, “You and what weapon?”

I watch as she gets close enough to breath in my face, and I hold up my palm, “Clive.”

She looks over at my hand, and sees Clive, “A rock?” She looks back at me as I nod. Then her face puffs up, “Ahahahahahhahahahahaha! A- a rock! He plans to kill me with a rock!”

She rolls around on the ground, and I look at Clive, “Clive, kill evil Queen.”

I turn my hand upside down, and drop Clive. He goes right for the face, “Ouch! What’s this!?”

Clive bounces up, and back down on her head, “What is happening!?”

Clive continues to bash in her head, “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! GET THIS ROCK OFF OF ME!”

The Changelings all stand back in awe and fear of Clive and I.

Clive gets her near death, “Am I really about to die to a rock?”

I nod, “Yes.”

She sighs, “What has my life become?”

Clive falls one more time, killing her, “Nothing anymore.”

Clive returns to my hand, and I look at the Changelings, “What will you all do now?”

They all look at me, and Clive within my hand. Then, the first one bows, “Praise King Clyde, King of Rocks.”

Then the others start to bow as well, “King Clyde, King of Rocks! Prince Clive, the Prince of Stones!”

I feel a weird feeling in my back, and I sprout some wings. I look over the Changelings gathered in front of me, “So, I’m your King now?”

One of them nods, “Yes, you are now King Clyde of Rocks. The wings signify your an alicorn hybrid now.”

I nod at them, “Well, just go home until I show up, okay?”

They all fly away with an ear bleeding sound.

I walk back into the Library, and close the door behind me. I look at the gathered mares, and Discord. I nod at them, “Done.”

Discord specificly stares at me, “Your a King now?”

Twilight snaps to Discord, “He’s a King!?”

I nod, “I’m King Clyde of Rocks, apparently.”

Twilight faints, and probably won’t rise for some time.

Discord snaps, and text appears above her head. ‘Twilight.exe has failed. Rebooting.”

Maud walks up to me, “So, a King of Rocks?”

I nod, “That would apparently be the situation. Want to live in my new kingdom?”

She shrugs, “Will there be rocks?”

“There will be when I get there.”

She nods, “Yeah, let’s go to the new kingdom then.”

As we’re about to leave, Fluttershy stops me, “What did you do to the Queen?”

I look her in the eyes, “I threw a rock at her.”

With that final message, I walk out of the door towards my kingdom.

Author's Note

There is one more chapter to come, wich will being Clyde and Clive to a completely differnt universe. Make sure to stick around for that.

The Harmonic Blast

In a far away universe, Elements are reunited by Champions. The blast across all the universes has many effects.

—(Clyde)—

I walk along a path towards my new kingdom.

Then I trip into a glowing white portal.

Nice.