smoking barrel

by NINJA-PON3

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Adventure
Length: 993

Vinyl Slash and Reaper (not my normal reaper, a new one my friend made) and their job as assasins.

(You're on the normal side of FIMfiction, this has no weird Twidash that doesn't even make sense or Rainbow Factory-esque gore)
CHAPTER: Unspecified
CHAPTER NAME: Hoofsteps…
I heard hoofsteps, the heavy kind; they were probably geared up, members of the Skorpianz normally are. I pulled out my sword, which, as always, was chock full of lightning. Reaper nervously reached for his sniper (complete with silencer and poison darts). "It's up, assassins." Said one of a pair of fully armored members. Reaper planted three darts neatly in their necks. I frowned, hastily putting my sword in its sheath.
"How come you get to have all the fun?" I asked.
"Because you're too slow," Reaper replied, grinning.
"I guess I can't argue with that." I laughed. "Anyway, Reaper, call the Lunar Republic, we need to get out of here."
"Already did," replied Reaper as a set of pegasi came down to help us; we would've flown out of there ourselves, but we had our wings broken during interrogation; we still didn't talk, though. I grinned remembering how macho I felt while having my face shoved in a urinal for info.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-10-14 16:07:06 UTC

the beginning

It was a dark day. Not all crazy, "dark-and-stormy-night", but cloudy dark. Reaper and I were off to see Trixie. She thought we were offering to do a job for her, when really we were hired to kill her. The stallion that hired us to kill her was anonymous and if we don't do it he will kill us. I approached the shack; Reaper was atop a building with a sniper that could tear a stallion's head off in one shot. Lucky for Trixie; this needs to be an "accident". I waltz in, whistling the Mighty Morphing Power Ponies theme song (I bucking loved that show). All of a sudden the astoundingly stupid trixie pointed a mini Uzi to my head. "Why hello,"

she said. "What brings you here?". Naturally, I hoofed her in the face then grabbed a statue and bonked her on the head.

I paused to smile at the thought of Phoenix Wright, then proceeded with the murder. I didn't hit her hard enough for blood, took the murder weapon and got rid of my hoofsteps. No evidence left... except that I was carrying a famously obnoxious pony on my back. Shining Armor and his squad approached me; I snapped the first squad member's neck, then the second one kneed me in the stomach. I cut his neck off with my sword. The next two got picked off by sniper fire, leaving Shining Armor. I cut off his horn to stop him from using magic, grabbed his hoof, shook it and said, "Hi! You must be Twi's brother, nice meeting you!" Then I broke his leg and gave him my patented K.O. Punch.

I picked up trixie and took her to my basement.

Two hours later she wakes up and complains about her bucking wrinkled cape.

"You have some explaining to do." I said.

"Trixie refuses to talk." said (DO I REALLY HAVE TO SAY WHO BUCKING SAID THAT)Trixie.

I grabbed her by the neck, put her in my freezer, then kicked the door on her skull a couple times, shattering her temples and spilling blood everywhere."Still not talking?" I said. "Okay, okay I knew you were coming. But hay, I wouldn't kill such a handsome stallion."

"Oh yeah, well, you called me handsome so I guess I'll just let you out, then I'll get arrested while proclaiming my true love for you." I replied, my voice practically dripping with sarcasm. "REALLY?!" She exclaimed, so I picked her up and smashed her head through my cement walls. "HOW DID YOU KNOW I WAS COMING?" "It's simple." She said, "I hired you."

I picked up a nerby sledgehammer and smashed her brains open on the spot.

Reaper just stood by the steps holding two steaming mugs of hot chocolate. "You seem like your in a good mood" said my black and red friend, Reaper. "its nothing just some other weirdo who thinks she's smart enough to kill us." "Anyway when our next job" I asked reaper. "in 10 minutes" said reaper "are we flying" I asked "yes" reaper replied. I quickly took flight and flew in what I completely randomly knew was the right direction for no reason. "The person who hired us requested to stay anonymous" said reaper. "who are we gonna obliterate the skulls of this time"I vinyl slash destroyer of worlds demanded to know

"rainbowdash" said reaper

I professionally avoid having my friend from going on a mass-murdering rampage

"WHAT" I screamed when I arrived at base  "I CANT MURDER MY BUCKING BEST FREIND"  I yelled practically begging for the FBI "THATS IT IM ASSIGNING US A MISSION FOR ONCE, TEXHOOVES AND COMPUTERMANE TRACK THE IP ADRESS OF THAT EMAIL WERE GONNA MURDER THAT PONY NOPONY MESSES WITH DASH WITHOUT FEELING THE PAINBOW" I stated "ooohhh who's got a crush on rainbow who's got a crush on rainbow" mocked inferno.

"shut. up." I warned "first comes love then comes marriage then comes a baby in the baby carriage" so I walked up and snapped his neck so slowly you could smell the pain.

"ummmmmm...okay". Said reaper blown away at how professionally I manage to explode in fits of anger. "okay" I said after I calmed down a little "call up rainbow and luna and lets not forget sir pipington!!!" "YES SIR" cried quick silver, my best assasin despite his jealousy.

a few hours later

"you called" said rainbow complete with war paint, a stakeout,brass knuckles, two fully automatic glocks, and a hunting knife.

"yeah ill brief you when the others get here" I replied. As if on cue pipsqueak and luna (LOL when I first wrote this I said Pipsqueak Luna) came in. "NOW can we know what the bucks going on" said dash, ready to kick some serious flank.

________________________________________________________________________________

"Im sure your all wondering why I gathered you here" I said sitting in the perfect stance in the perfect chair with the classic, Hairless cat. "The answer is quite simple, Somepony sent me on an assassination mission". I felt so awesome stating all this as if this was some crazy book written by a devilishly handsome author. "so what? you get sent on missions all the time, What makes this one so special?" said flutte-I mean big ma-DARV'IT. "Because... Pause for dramatic effect... I was hired to kill rain-"

I hesitated, Should I tell rainbowdash? I mean what if she went on a killing spree in here and killed all of us? No, I decided on the option that didn't involve slaughter (which surprised even myself) "-cloud" I finished. "And we need to kill my employer because who would hire me to kill raincloud I mean I love her". BUCK now everypony thought I was in love with Raincloud.

man, This day was going to be Purrrrrrfffect the kind of rainbow has dreamed since she was smaaaaaaall.  " WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU LIKED LOVED MY BUCKING SISTER"

Long story short, Awkward silence ensued