Princess Celestia Goes to Costco
What Could Possibly Go Wrong?
From what I've been told, nothing like Costco exists in Equestria. So-called 'warehouse clubs' are an alien concept to them. So too are the ‘big box’ stores that we see so often.
Don't get me wrong – ponies still go shopping. If they need something they can't grow or make themselves, they go out to buy it. Instead of superstores though, they have separate stores for almost everything. So while I can knock out nearly my entire shopping list in one place, it would take a pony at least six to eight stops to buy the same goods, and that’s assuming they can find everything that they need locally.
Normally, I'd consider such an arrangement to be an almost torturous experience. Fight traffic, lines, screaming kids, overworked employees, and everything else, just to get one or two items? And then repeat that half a dozen times or more? I'd rather go stand in line at the DMV office.
But right now, as I futilely tried to blend into the crowd of shoppers entering my local Costco, I sorely wished superstores didn't exist on Earth either. If they didn't, my odds of getting out of this day with both my wallet and my dignity intact would be significantly higher than they currently were.
"So, why are we in this line again, Steve?"
"To get a membership, Celestia," I replied without turning to look at her directly. "Remember?" Then again, I don't know why I was trying to be discreet. Half the store was already aware of our presence, thanks to Celestia hanging her head out of the car window like a dog while I searched for a parking spot. Ponies might be fairly common amongst humans now, but a gleaming white alicorn hanging out of a car window – wagging tongue and all – was bound to draw a bit of attention.
Judging by the wide-eyed stares I was getting from some of the other customers walking past me toward the exit, we had drawn a lot of attention.
"If you had just taken the first parking spot you saw, we could have gotten in front of at least some of these people."
I rolled my eyes. "Sorry, but given the choice between driving around again and you incinerating the other car, I'll take my chances one aisle over."
"Yes yes, legalities and all," she huffed. "Still, we can at least agree that the other driver was very rude, stealing your spot like that."
"Yeah, but you get used to it. If you haven't already noticed, we humans lose our manners when we're driving."
"Or discussing politics, or debating your favorite sports teams, or waiting more than thirty seconds in a drive thru line..."
"Yeah those too, and probably a hundred other things besides." I shrugged my shoulders as the line shuffled forward. "I get it, we kind of suck at the whole decorum thing."
"My point is, Twilight would have no shortage of friendship problems to solve here."
I tried to picture Princess Twilight solving traffic jams and moderating political shows on TV with friendship lessons. Oddly, all of those pictures ended with magical fireballs and the outbreak of World War Three. I quickly decided to let that particular topic fade, lest Celestia actually ask Twilight to come over here and give it a go.
Finally, the line moved again, and it was my turn. I stepped up to the counter and smiled at the clerk. "Good afternoon. I'd like to sign up for a membership please."
Awkward silence. The clerk – a young woman with brunette hair – didn't respond at all, not even to acknowledge my presence. She just stared at us. Great, I got the one employee who hasn't seen a magical talking alicorn before. I gave it to a count of ten in my head before I very loudly cleared my throat.
She snapped back to attention at that. "O-oh, hello! Yes, welcome to Costco! H-how may I help you?"
"I'd like to get a membership. Please."
"I– Um…" Her eyes darted back and forth between us, as if she couldn’t fathom the pair of creatures standing before her. "I-I, uh, oh gosh…" She looked away for a moment and took a deep breath. "I’m sorry. I’m not trying to be rude, I promise. It’s just, well…"
"First time seeing a pony?" I asked.
"Nonono!" she replied quickly, waving her hands in front of her. "Well, technically no. But I’ve never met one so… I mean, wings and a horn? I thought that was just fairy tale stuff, you know?" She reached over the counter and waved a hand through Celestia’s mane, and began giggling like a little kid. "That’s just, wow…" Before I could get another word in though, she leaned over further and booped Celestia on the nose.
Did she just? My heart nearly leapt into my throat. Oh no, she’s dead.
I half-expected that clerk to instantly get an express ticket to the moon, but when I looked at Celestia, she had a bemused expression on her face. Clearly, she’d seen this sort of ‘shock and awe’ response before.
"Where I come from, my dear, booping a Princess without permission is a serious offense. As a matter of policy, I should call for my Royal Guard."
"O-oh, um…" The clerk stared wide-eyed at Celestia for a moment as she fumbled for a response. "Wait, there’s rules for ‘boops’?"
"But in this case," Celestia added with a wink, "I think I’ll let it slide. I couldn’t punish young Twilight for doing the same either, after all. Now, about that membership?"
I could almost see the gears in the clerk’s head snap back into 'routine task' mode. "Membership! Yes, of course! I'll just need some information from you, then we'll take your picture, print your membership card, and we'll get you on your way. First, which membership level did you want? We have a regular as well as an Executive membership level."
She slid a glossy brochure over to me as she finished. Celestia peered over my shoulder as I skimmed over the information. "Hmm... I think I’ll go with the regular level. That'll be good enough for me."
"Are you sure?" she asked, launching right into 'sales mode' before I could stop her. "The cash back perk that comes with the Executive level membership is really a great value. You get two percent back on almost anything purchased here in store plus our tire center, and trips booked through our Travel Department! Just five hundred dollars in annual purchases will produce a reward certificate equal to the membership fee. Everything after that is just bonus money in your pocket!"
"Cash back?" Celestia suddenly broke in.
"Tia—" I elbowed her a bit. "Not now, alright?"
"C'mon Steve, it sounds like a deal, right?" Celestia eyed the clerk, then me. "It’s like they’re paying you to shop here, and the more you shop, the more you get paid! Have you seen all of the carts of goods that have rolled past us already? How could you not find enough to buy here?"
She had a point. The big sign above the counter said the Executive membership was one hundred and twenty dollars. Not a small sum for someone with student loans, a car payment, a shared apartment, and a paycheck that barely covers all of it. But given the amount of Fanta she had already gone through, it wasn't hard for me to picture buying a few hundred dollars worth of soda in a year.
"Ugh, fine—" I took out my wallet and slapped my credit card down onto the counter. "Executive membership it is."
"Huzzah!" Celestia clapped her hooves together in celebration and draped a wing over my shoulders. "A wise decision, Steve!"
"That remains to be seen," I grumbled under my breath.
After filling out some more paperwork and processing my payment, I was one bad photo away from joining the ranks of Costco members. Well, make that two photos.
"For the last time, Tia, we don’t need two membership cards."
"And why not?"
"Because you can only add immediate family members onto an account, so I couldn’t add you anyway."
Celestia leaned back and touched a hoof to her chest. "Are you saying that waifus aren’t family, Steve?"
Oh my god. She's not— Is she...
Yes, she was. Of course she was. Because why would silly me think that a magical horse that rules a vast nation, can command the sun, and operate a washing machine wouldn’t also know the difference between a wife and a waifu.
Out of options and with the line growing restless behind us, I turned to the clerk with a pleading look. "Is there any way you can make a second card? Please?"
The clerk looked around for a moment, presumably checking for the presence of any managers. "I think I can, but the system’s still going to need some basic information to create a file for your, um, friend here."
"Waifu."
I glared back over my shoulder. "Do you want your card or not?" Celestia stuck her tongue out for a second but stayed silent. It only took a few moments for the clerk to copy most of my information over to the second account.
"Almost set," the clerk said. A few more keystrokes and she looked past me to Celestia. "I just need a name for the card."
"Her Most Royal Highness Princess Celestia Australis Majesty, eldest daughter of the Fifth House, holder of the Sacred Chalice of Anor, heir to the Holy Rings of Equus, Bringer of the Sun, Protector of Equestria and These Many Nations, Guardian of the Crystal Empire, Royal Knight of the Most Noble Guards, Commander of the United Earth, Unicorn, and Pegasus Guard, Admiral of the Royal Navy, Supreme Commander of the Pegasus Air Force and the Cloudsdale Rescue Brigade, Vice Admiral of the Lunar Guard, PhD, Order of the Phoenix, Principle Knight of the Breezy Empire, Guardian of the Triforce, Lady of Her Majesty's Nobles' Council, Extraordinary Princess of the Nobles' Council, Wielder of Daybreaker—" Celestia paused for a long breath "—and three hundred and forty-two time champion of the Equestrian Cake Eating Competition."
"Wait, what?" I gave her an incredulous look. "Are you serious right now?"
"Cake eating is serious business, Steve. You should know that by now."
"I mean all the titles!"
Celestia shrugged. "Hey, you try ruling a nation for a few thousand years and see how many titles you pick up along the way."
"That's not all going to fit on the card," the clerk said. "Is there a shorter version? Much shorter?"
"Fine, fine…" Celestia rolled her eyes. "Celestia."
The clerk looked back up after typing for a second. “Sorry, but I’m going to need a last name as well.”
“Seriously?”
“The system requires one. Would you like to just choose one of the, um, names that you mentioned before?”
Celestia facehoofed. “Princess Celestia then.”
⁂
Membership cards acquired, we grabbed a cart and looped back into the line of shoppers entering the store. The older gentleman working the entrance queue had seen us coming from the membership desk and waved us right through, much to Celestia’s disappointment.
"Hhmph, he didn’t even so much as glance at our shiny new membership cards! I held it up in front of me too." Celestia hovered the card over to me, and I slipped it into my pocket for the time being. "Honestly," she continued, "for the price of this ‘executive’ membership, you'd think they’d literally roll out the red carpet for us. An exclusive entrance complete with trumpeters and a majordomo to announce us as we walk in. Even just a velvet rope line and some banners would do in a pinch. There should be at least some pomp to go with these new memberships."
"Ha! That'd be a sight," I replied. "VIP treatment just to get soda and a twenty-pound tub of potato salad." I glanced back at Celestia only to see an empty space next to me. "Tia? Where—" Then I realized that we were next to the electronics area. Yeah, that figured.
I had to weave between a few people to get to the electronics aisles, but it didn't take me long to find her. There was Celestia – co-ruler of a nation and avatar of the Sun itself – plopped on her rear and staring slack jawed at the ceiling… with a pair of VR goggles strapped to her head. In a way, it reminded me a bit of my reaction when I walked into an arcade for the first time as a kid.
As much as I wanted to just get some Fanta and get out of here, I hung back for a moment and watched her. I figured it wasn't often that you got to see a kind of goddess utterly floored by something. Also, it gave me a moment to try and discern just how she managed to get a VR headset designed for humans to fit around her head at all.
"It feels so real..." she muttered. "Sights, sounds, and they’re all so vivid too. I’d almost swear I can smell the grass in this field or the aroma of this tea that I’m holding. This is nothing like that portal in the caverns..."
"It’s not the Holodeck, but it is quite impressive."
Celestia turned to the sound of my voice and nearly stumbled over the bundle of cords that trailed behind the headset. After a bit of fumbling, she removed the headset and set it back on the display stand. "Can we get one, Steve? Please?"
"I wish," I guffawed. "Even at this discounted price, that'd blow my budget for the next six months at least. Besides, our apartment doesn’t have enough empty floor space to work with. We’d be bumping into furniture all the time."
She scuffed a hoof on the floor. "Can't you just get a bigger apartment?"
"With what money?"
"If funds are an issue, I can have the treasury send me more than enough bits to cover the cost."
I shook my head and tried not to chuckle. "Thanks, but I don’t think Equestrian bits are going to get us very far over here. Even if they could, I’d have a heck of a time trying to get SpeedyTax to accept that as valid income."
"SpeedyTax?" she asked. "What's a SpeedyT— Oh wow!"
Before I could ask her what was going on, she had darted out of sight, right towards the jewelry case. I hustled the cart forward to catch up with her and found her with her muzzle plastered on the glass case. "These are simply amazing!"
"Really?" I replied. "From what you’ve told me, the gems in Equestria are way bigger than any of these. Don’t you use some of them as magical batteries anyway?"
"All true, Steve, but the difference is in the way our worlds use their precious gems, and these designs are simply divine! Rarity would give her left hoof for some of these pendants!" She came back around to a case filled with engagement and wedding rings and waved me over. "These wedding rings would make even the exclusive boutiques on Saddle Row jealous."
"Ponies use engagement rings too?" I asked.
"But of course!" she replied. "Well, not all of them. Rings really only work for unicorns. But pegasi exchange primary feathers to signal a betrothal, while Earth ponies use fetlock bands or, on rare occasions, a pendant."
"Huh. That's pretty cool," I said as I leaned in for a closer look at some of the rings. "I have to admit, these are pretty nice stones."
"Indeed." Celestia turned to me with a wry smile. "I’d think one of these would look quite nice on Cindy’s finger, don’t you think?"
I couldn’t help but smile a bit. "Can’t argue that, but we haven’t been dating for that long, you know. Someday, perhaps." I patted her on the shoulder. "We should get a move on."
Celestia looked ahead and held a wing up to her eyes as if she were a lookout. "Then let us see what else this Costco has in store for us. Lead on, Steve!"
And so I did. Well, for a few minutes, anyway. Most of my time was spent following Celestia around from aisle to aisle, as she seemed intent on exploring every inch of the store and asking me a million questions about every product that caught her eye.
"Wait now, is this true? One device can do all of that?" Celestia hovered the As-Seen-On-TV 'Super Samurai 9000' blender in front of me. The overly large neon print on the box listed out all nineteen modes that it could perform, from chop to puree and everything in between.
"That's what it claims, anyway," I answered as I took the box and placed it back on the shelf. "Though my general rule is, if you see it on a late-night TV ad, it's probably junk."
Celestia poked the box a few more times. "Hmm... junk or not though, I know the sauciers in the palace kitchen would be overjoyed to have such a device, though they might have to fight the pâtissier over who gets to use it. I wonder if it can be powered by arcane batteries..."
"Add it to your research list for Twilight then," I offered as I began moving away with the cart, Celestia in tow. I turned back into the main aisle but was stopped by a large family who was trying to rearrange a cartload of goods and two grumpy kids - and blocking half the aisle while doing so. After two futile efforts to maneuver past them, I turned back to tell Celestia that we'd just go around the long way instead, only to find she’d wandered off again.
"Celestia?"
No sooner had her name left my lips than I heard her.
"Solar lights?"
I swear, if I didn't have bad luck, I'd have no luck at all.
A bright flash turned everything a blinding, almost searing white, as if a star had gone supernova right in front of me.
Wait. Solar lights… supernovas…
"Oh no."
Seconds later, a screaming horde of panicked shoppers began pouring into the aisles.
I swung the cart around and ran, desperate to stay ahead of the rush. I spotted a break between some patio displays and jumped into the small aisle seconds before the stampede caught up to me. Getting the cart back through that kind of crowd was out of the question, so I left it behind and dove back into the maelstrom.
I followed the crowd until I could cross to the other side of the aisle, then weaved through more display pallets until I reached the optometry counter. The glare emanating from whatever had just happened was still enough to make me squint if I looked up fully, so I grabbed the biggest pair of polarized sunglasses that I could find on the display rack. "Don’t know if these will help, but it’s better than nothing."
Finally, I made my way to the source of the panic, and what I saw was frightening and amusing in equal measure. Frightening because Celestia had reduced the entire display area for these lights into a smoking hunk of slag. Amusing because Celestia stood dumbfounded amidst the devastation, as if even her godly mind couldn't begin to fathom what had just transpired.
"Care to... enlighten me?" I asked.
"I... uh... umm... "
"Celestia." I walked up to her and gently nudged her muzzle up to look at me. "Look at me, Celestia." Her eyes blinked a few times then settled on me. "Are you okay? Are you hurt?"
A few more blinks. "I... I'm alright. Yes, I'm okay." She blinked again. "I don't think anyone is hurt. Are they?"
I looked around quickly and didn't see anyone writhing in pain. Nor did I hear any agonized screams. A good sign, for now. "Looks like everyone's alright, though I can’t say the same for that demo cart. What happened?" I asked.
Celestia looked around at the melted display, the charred floor, and the scorch marks on nearby shelves and shivered. I honestly felt bad for her just then. She clearly did not expect any of this… whatever this was.
"I saw the display. Solar lights. Exciting, right? Lights powered by the sun! Just think. Lights powered by me. How could I resist?" Celestia took a few careful steps around the wreckage. "I watched the demo a few times, but when I used magic to levitate a brochure from the table, I noticed the lights grew a bit brighter."
I could see the outcome replaying in my mind already, and it wasn't pretty. "So, you channeled your magic..."
Celestia heaved a defeated sigh. "I use more magic than that to open the lock on the door to my private office, for Luna’s sake! Believe me, Steve, if I had any idea, I would have stopped right there! The amount of magic used was... was miniscule at best!"
I shuffled over and wrapped her in the best bear hug I could. "Hey hey, it's okay. I know you didn't mean for this to happen." She let out a small huff and sagged into me a bit. "The important thing is, no one, and nopony, was hurt. Besides..." I glanced down at her hooves and the semi-charred remains of a light bulb box. "Those were measly twenty watt outdoor bulbs. You could have probably blown them out with a sneeze."
"I don't even want to think about it," she answered. "I rarely scare myself, you know. But this was one of those times. Much as I hate to admit it, I'll have to document this for Twilight. She'll want to know what the thresholds are for our powers in your world. For safety, if nothing else."
I let her out of the hug with a gentle pat to her neck. "Not to rub salt in the wound, but I have to agree. I don't want to see you get hurt."
Celestia leaned back with a wan smile. "That's really sweet of you, Steve. You sure you’re not just trying to – what’s the phrase – butter me?"
"It’s ‘butter me up’, and no, I’m not." I couldn't not chuckle a bit at that. "Seriously, you may be a thorn in my side at times, Princess, but you're my friend too. It's been nice having your kind hanging around. And I certainly don't want to see you get hurt on my watch."
The store manager arrived then, flanked by two of his assistants. They quickly ushered us away from the scene to make way for the clean-up crew, who looked less than enthused at what they saw when they arrived with their cleaning equipment. I could hear the sounds of discharging fire extinguishers and shop vacs as we shuffled to a quieter spot a few aisles over. There, between wiper blades, gas-powered generators, and mega packs of microfiber towels, Celestia tried to explain the situation. I chimed in where I could, especially to allay their fears about their own safety in her presence, but I left most of the talking to Celestia. At one point, in an attempt to diagram how she and her sister raise the sun and moon, she summoned a chalkboard – and promptly caused a display of solar calculators that were on the other side of the aisle to explode when they were caught in the aftershock of her summoning spell.
Finally, after about twenty more minutes, a second clean-up crew armed with scrapers and chisels, and a few dozen apologies, we came to an understanding of sorts. The managers promised to erect warning signs at the front of the store to caution unicorn guests about the use of magic around the store, and I promised to buy thirty calculators and a dozen packs of those solar lights.
The calculators can be donated to a school supply drive, and the common areas around my apartment complex have needed better path lighting for a while now anyway, so I suppose I could justify it. I wonder if the complex management will take it off my rent next month as thanks for improving our community space. Yeah, who am I kidding. That's about as likely as a unicorn farting—
Eh, I'm not even going to finish that thought.
Things calmed down after that, for the most part. As we neared the liquor aisle, I was about to warn Celestia to stay away from it as I had no desire to see what a drunken alicorn might do. Thankfully, baked goods were in close proximity, and she was immediately and fully distracted by the numerous displays of cakes, pies, and other treats. Left to her own devices, she’d have spent hours there sampling everything they had and quizzing the bakery staff on exactly how many apples went into their gigantic apple pies.
While she was occupied, I grabbed one of the many abandoned carts left behind in the earlier panic and snuck down a nearby aisle to pick up a three-layer chocolate overload cake. It looked far too rich for my tastes, but I figured it would go a long way toward improving Celestia’s mood. After all, what cake-eating champion would turn down a new challenge?
As we made our way through the cold and frozen food areas, we encountered more of the ubiquitous sample carts hawking everything from salsa to frozen yogurt bars. Celestia was acting like a little kid, jumping from one to the next and scarfing down everything that was offered to her. Unfortunately, she got so excited that she forgot to ask exactly what some of the samples were before consuming them.
Note for the record that ponies really, really don't like bratwurst. Also, Celestia looks pretty funny with a pale green coat.
She looked like she was about to keel over, but before I could reach her she winked out of existence. Nearly a minute passed with no sign of the princess and I could feel my own stomach begin to turn again with worry. I was about to start searching for her when she re-appeared just a few feet away from where she started. The loud crack of magic that heralded her arrival startled a nearby shopper who promptly crashed their cart into a display and sent a cascade of oranges onto the floor.
On second thought, forget what I said before about bad luck. I'd prefer no luck at all.
"We shan't speak of this," Celestia said quietly as she began hovering bunches of fruit back onto the display. "Not even to Twilight."
I glanced up at her as I worked to corral the oranges before they could roll further away. "That bad?"
Celestia adjusted her peytral and whisked her shimmery mane back behind her ears before motioning for us to continue. "Let's just get going before anyone goes out to put something in the garbage receptacle."
Images of apocalyptic dumpster fires crossed my mind followed by a full body chill.
"Yeah... soda aisle. Now."
After returning the last of the oranges, we made our way to the other side of the store and the far wall which a Costco employee had pointed out as the soda aisle.
"Ah! Steve, I see it!" Celestia pointed with a wing and sure enough, there were two pallets of Fanta sitting at the end of the section. Each pallet held at least three layers of cases, each one with thirty cans inside of them. The closest pallet looked to have only Orange Fanta on it, while the other one had some Strawberry packs as well as some variety cases. The latter had labels on it for Orange, Grape, and Pineapple.
"Well, looks like you have a choice to make," I remarked. "Orange, Strawberry, or Variety?"
"Hmmm..." Celestia looked over both pallets intently, as if she were holding royal court and about to hand down a decree of some kind. "Well, I love the Strawberry flavor so we have to get some of that. But these others sound most intriguing. But if I don't like them, then I'll have a bunch of unused drinks sitting around."
"And I'll have wasted a decent amount of money," I added quickly.
"Wasted?" Celestia put on her best 'teachable moment' face. "Remember what the nice lady up front said? The more you spend, the faster you earn the membership fee back in rewards. The faster you do that, the more cash back you get to keep!"
"Sure, but—" Whatever retort I was trying to start sputtered out and my brain quickly gave up whatever fight it had left on the matter. "Eh… never mind." I sighed and stepped around the cart. "You're helping put all of these in the cart."
A few minutes later, I rolled up to the registers with three cases of Fanta, a dozen packs of solar lights, calculators, and two dozen roses. One for Cindy and one for Celestia’s salads for the rest of the week. The checkout lines were long, and with only a fraction of the items in our cart as most other shoppers, it didn’t take me long to begin silently cursing Costco for not adding self-checkout lanes.
When it was finally our turn, I put most of our items onto the belt, leaving the heavy cases of soda in the cart to be scanned. After handing over nearly two hundred dollars via my Visa card, I took my receipt and what was left of my dignity and moved to join the herd that was funneling toward the exit.
"Come on over, folks! Fresh batch of churros just came out!"
I turned my attention to the store's cafe, where a few workers were holding up trays lined with rows of the hot, crispy treats. The smell of cinnamon and sugar wafted past me, and people quickly began jumping out of the exit line to go get one.
"Oh! Can we get one too? Please, Steve?"
"Let's just get go—" I turned back and saw Celestia giving me better puppy-dog eyes than most dogs could pull off.
"Pretty pretty please?"
"I—" I swung the cart around and bumped her in the side. "Ugh, fine! But only one! You got that?
Author's Note
I wonder if the annual cash back award can be issued in Equestrian Bits? 
Big thanks to Admiral Biscuit and Winston for their time and their excellent editing/pre-reading advice. Once again, I owe you guys!
