A Slow Interrogation

by Nobodyslament

Rating: mature
Tags: Profanity, Princess Celestia, Death, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Comedy, Adventure
Length: 7721

When you get pushed into Equestria there are rules. When you do it dressed as an Imperial Inquisitor things get a bit more complicated.

Like was normal for Jonathan. He had a good job, a good life, and a crappy hobby. He loved all of it. Which means it was quite a sucker punch when he went to a small con in full cosplay to get transported to a new world.

Dressed as an Inquisitor, he must learn to unravel the secrets of magic, figure out if warp bullshittery will occur, and hopefully make it home. Unfortunately, he's had to put that on hold, due to recent events. Being stuck in a waterfall prison stuck outside of time was a hell of a way to spend his free time though. Now thrust into a new world again, he is in a much different Equestria than he remembered. And a much more volatile one at that.

Published 2018-06-21 05:20:07 UTC
Last updated 2018-07-25 08:26:32 UTC

Chapter 1

I was sitting down. I know that is an incredibly small amount of information to start a tale with, but it is accurate. After all, how would I describe a blank prison outside of time and space? If I had too I would simply use the word white. I could move however I wished within the prison, but I was surrounded by white on all sides. There was one upside though. I could still see myself. And I was still in my Rocking Inquisitor suit. Leather armor, high-tech toys, and bitching cape included. Before I sat down I had spent an unknown amount of time flipping my cape like Batman. I sighed and let out a harsh breath. "Well, how long will this take? They said I'd be imprisoned for all time, but I fail to see how I'll last more than a few weeks in here." No food or water appeared in front of me, so starvation would probably get me first.

Time passed. I have no clue how long had passed, but I felt the first pang of hunger. Maybe a few hours, I hadn't eaten much before I got locked into this prison of boredom and potential blindness. I let out a small grumble before I heard something strange. I heard a crash. Part of the white in my prison collapsed, showing a dark cave above me. "Well, you don't see that every day." I watched and saw something strange. A purple alicorn sending out an explosive wave of matching magic. It crashed into my prison wiping away all the blinding white-ness in a wash of saccharine glory. I smiled watching the prison around me melt. "Oh, I'm in a prison break, how exciting."

I looked over my new environment with a smile. I was in a cave. And it had colors other than white. Sure it mostly brown and black, but not white was an improvement in my world. Though, I was really hungry now. Problems for later. Current problems trumped that. Mostly that my new cave was closer to a pit. I ran a hand over the wall. It was craggy and rough, so I could, in theory, climb it. Or use a much more fun option. I looked over my right arm. The rough metal plates burned into the skin betrayed its true nature. I rolled back my wrist, and a small knife slank from my wrist. I loved having an augmetic arm. I slammed it into the wall and smiled as it sank into the solid stone. I began hauling myself up with my knife hand, using the other limbs for stabilization.

I crawled out of the hole gasping. "By the Emperor, why was that hole so frakking deep?" I rolled over from the ledge and simply laid down on my back, trying to catch my breath. I looked over my surroundings. If I was anywhere near my last fight I would be right outside of Avalon. I looked around and... huh. I may be crazy, but I don't remember a bunch of mountains near Avalon. It was in a forest. Also, my little island nation of peace and espionage was just that. An island. Why in the warp could I see a mountain?

I groaned and shifted so I could only see the sky. There was something immutable. The sky was always the same. Same clouds, same blue sky, same sun, it was nice and familiar. I shook my head, there was time for confusion later. Right now it was time for action. I hauled myself up, looking at the scarred landscape. The purple alicorn was nowhere to be seen, but there was a town off in the distance. I flicked my cape into settling across my shoulders and drew my laspistol. I began walking towards the town. I figured any place with a crystal palace that big had to be important.

***

I was never so disappointed in this fucking pony land. I had found a farming town. Now that in itself wasn't too bad. The bad part was that they had a giant castle that made me think there was even a scrap of useful info. Though I should be thankful that some things never change. The ponies never noticed me as long as I was in a dark enough shadow. You would think a bright red cape would blow my cover, but no. It helped that it looked like a hurricane had just blown through, with destroyed buildings and detritus littering the street. Like a New Orleans mardi gras.

I moved to the town square. The market was closing up already, but I was able to catch one useful conversation. Some mare I couldn't see was talking to a blue mare moving a few items into her pack. "You know, I moved here from Canterlot to avoid all the hubub and dangers of the big city."

I heard a snort, followed by the second mare speaking. "Well, you picked the wrong town for that. Ponyville just seems to attract all sorts of weird evil things." I thought on all that. Canterlot was just some small mountain village under the two pony sisters. Then there was this Ponyville. I didn't have any idea about that town. It must have been new. Which led to a totally different question. How long was I out?

I shook my head again. Well, there was always a way to fix that. I began heading towards the town hall. Surely even a town this small would have a library, and records of where it was. I found it easy enough, with it being right beside the square and all. However, there was a single problem. Even in the glow of evening, there wasn't an easy way to get in. At least not without getting spotted, and if I hadn't been gone too long ponykind was less than friendly wherever I popped up. Warp, that was why I founded Avalon. So that left two options. One, wait for nighttime patiently. I was not patient, I leaned towards the action side of things. Two, walk up like I own the place and use all my non-existent authority to browbeat a local mayor into giving me what I want. Yeah, that seemed more likely.

I walked out of the shadows standing tall. I ignored every gasp and whisper as I did, and reached into my hip pouch. I pulled out a totally not stolen solar medallion. I hung it around my neck and walked right through the front door of town hall. I looked at the young stallion behind the counter with a glare. "Mayor. Now." Well, judging by his reaction I had been successful. He shook on his hooves and pointed up a set of stairs beside him. I gave him a curt nod and walked up the stairs.

Oh look, a mayor was cowering behind her desk. I gave her a slightly nicer nod. "Ma'am, I've come on the authority of Princess Celestia. I require access to all books on the history of Equestria and a place to read them. I would ask for you to tell me of an appropriate library or bookstore. I thought of all the damage I had seen around town. "Of course given the towns current condition I would accept a nearby settlement that has an adequate supply."

And in the immortal way of all sentient beings, fear leads to answers. "Well, uh, the library was kind of uh... destroyed. But we have a bookstore nearby that will have at least a few history books." I knew what I needed, so hopefully, this would all work out.

I nodded and flicked my cape as I turned around. "Where is this bookstore. I have been gone for far too long to remember the buildings of this little hamlet."

The mayor seemed to shrink as I turned. I fought to keep from laughing at the small little thing. She didn't even bother to ask why. "Well, it's down the street a ways. Just look for the big book sign on the main stretch outside of my office."

I nearly smacked myself. I should have been paying more attention as I walked in. "That will be sufficient. Thank you for your service. If you could pass a message to the princesses for me that would be much appreciated. "I smiled to myself. "Tell her that her little inquisitor is back. And he's not pleased." With that I left, leaving the mayor on her own.

With my cover blown I walked straight to the bookstore, leaving confused and scared ponies in my wake. I slammed through the door with the force of a divine wind. Spooking the one pony inside. She appeared to be cleaning up a part of her collapsed roof. I felt slightly abashed. "Hello little one, do you require aid?"

She nodded dumbly. Well, that was good enough for me. I looked at the large section of roof that had currently taken up residence in the back area of her store. An earth pony could probably move it as is, but it wouldn't fit through the door. I snapped out the knife in my augmetic arm and began breaking off portions of it to make moving it much easier. I flicked my head to the mare. "While I do this I require a book. One on the history of Equestria. Preferably starting after the fall of Discord and ending within a few years.

The mare didn't make a noise as I worked. I managed to get over halfway through the damn thing before I heard a thunk beside me. I looked to the massive tome beside me. In the name of the Emperor, it looked positively huge. I looked at it before I saw the mare look up at me. "Uhm, this is the only history book I have going back that far. I only have the abridged version though..."

I stared at the frakking book in front of me. I think a whole forest had to be sacrificed to make the damn thing. I sighed. I was not just a few weeks in the future. I guess when you get trapped in a prison outside of time and space you lose all sense of time. Who knew? Besides everybody I mean. I shook my head and looked to the rock. It was small enough to move outside the door now. I glared at the book again. "That will be sufficient. If it is abridged I will not find what I need. I believe I must go to a much more... hostile location for what I need." I pulled the rock outside with no small amount of effort. After hauling it out I looked around. Well, there was what looked like Canterlot Mountain in the distance. Big castle city was new though. Ah well, focus on that when I get there.

I didn't expect the mare to follow me out. "Thank you for the help sir. Uh, I'm Rough Notes. Who are you?"

I reached down and gave her a simple pat on the head. "I am Gregor, agent of the Imperial Inquisition." I then pointed to Canterlot. "I'm going to be heading there next. Do me a favor little one, stay safe while I'm gone. I may require a trustworthy pony when I am done." I then paused again. I was apparently far in the future, it might be smart to check something. "Also, have you ever heard of Avalon?"

The mare nodded. "Yeah, it was mentioned in an ancient history class while I was in school. I think it was an old city ruled by some dictator. The princesses beat him and took it over. I think it's abandoned now since nopony was willing to stay."

I nodded while smiling. I told them to leave if I didn't come back, so I guess they did. Good little interrogators. I looked back at the mountain. "If you'll excuse me, ma'am, I have to go and try to avoid an old friend." I left without another word, heading to Canterlot.

Meanwhile, in Canterlot

Celestia sat on a pillow, trying to teach her newest princess the proper response to such a horrible fight. The only issue was Twilight couldn't seem to care less. Now that the fight was over she had dived into a library and was asking questions about the bad old days. Celestia would be happy for any distraction at this point. A spark of fire from flashed into being, leaving a tightly wound scroll when it dissipated. She grimaced as she took it. She instantly regretted wishing for a distraction, the paperwork for reconstruction would likely take her entire evening. Well, it appeared that Twilight would be fine anyways. With a flourish, she opened the scroll. It took her a few scant seconds before she dropped it to the floor.

Twilight peeked her head up from behind the dust-covered book she had been reading. Then she saw Princess Celestia's shocked expression. "Princess? What happened?"

Princess Celestia shook off her shock. "Twilight, I'll explain later. For now, gather your friends and head back to Ponyville. Right now." Twilight seemed stuck in place for a moment until Celestia barked again. "Now Twilight!"

Twilight flew into the air, running out of the royal archives. Celestia watched her go and made sure she was completely alone before she swore. "Buck, this was not how this was supposed to happen." And with a flash of light, she left, leaving an empty library.

Chapter 2

I looked up to the mountain I now stood at the base of. Night walking had done wonders, as well as those apples I had liberated from a nearby farm. I would feel bad if it looked like they were low, but I doubt with all those apples they'd notice the dozen or so that I nabbed. I munched on one staring up the mountain. I had been being careful to avoid ponies, but even as late as it was I doubted I could avoid prying eyes this close to a castle. And with a castle came nobles. Nobles who would definitely see through my fake agent of the sun trick. So that was out. I looked around before finding a tall tree and climbing up it. In the morning carriages would arrive. I could easily smuggle myself on the underside of one. Then I'd just have to find my way to the archives and catch up with my history.

***

I woke with a start to the sounds of yelling. I glanced from my aerial position and saw something stupid. "Who sets up a frakking market on the road?" I looked over the small markets that were set up on the road. They were apparently collapsible, with hinges on half the corners. They also seemed to mostly be selling food. I guessed that they were trying to sell food to ponies making their way into Canterlot. Not that it mattered much besides the fact that it made my job a lot harder.

I looked across the area. The tree's covered the area, cleared only on the road itself. If I moved slowly I could jump into an uncovered wagon. I looked to the skies. The only real fault with this plan was the pegasi, but it appeared none were flying above the carriages. Most simply flew low enough to talk to nearby ponies. Assuming that held I had a good chance. I jumped through the treetops, finding one with its branches hanging above the street, and waited.

I have said before, I am not patient. After five minutes I had taken to playing with my fake fingers. They could pop off and had a few tools in them. Namely a lockpick set and a hidden blade. It was useful when you could pop off a finger to shear through bindings. I had just reattached my middle finger when I saw my chance. Coming up the road was an uncovered wagon filled with various furniture. Namey couches. I smiled at the thought of hiding under a couch wagon while sneaking into Canterlot. The high walls of the wagon would even hide me from sight if I sat in one. Arrive in style while remaining stealthy? Heck yeah.

I watched as the carriage rolled under me, and with a soft drop, I landed in the carriage. I stayed still, waiting for the pony pulling the cart to grumble about the increased weight. It never came. I let out a breath I didn't even know I was holding before sitting down in the rattiest couch in the carriage. I didn't know why, but the rattier the couch the comfier it was. This was a known fact to all travelers.

I relaxed as the carriage slowly moved up the mountain. Its soft bumps relaxing me as we made a slow journey to the castle. I watched the sky float by from my carriage, looking up at the only familiar thing in the world. I blinked a few times and felt tears in my eyes. I wiped my eyes quickly, tears had a smell, and I couldn't let a pony smell them. They had the noses of bloodhounds. I continued staring up at the sky and thought of my past.

*3,000 Years Ago*

I looked over the convention floor. There were booths and small merchants as far as the walls could contain. I smiled as my friend Elrod ran off to the 501st group trying to check in with them. He wanted to show up this year as a regular attendant, but he still wore his full armor. I smiled at the image of an Imperial Moff running off to idly chat with a stormtrooper. Some things never stop being funny. I was in my own outfit of course. An agent of the Emperor's Holy Inquisition. I even had a sweet black cape. I mean most people would focus on the leather and steel armor I had made to match the Warhammer style, but capes were just to cool to ignore. I looked over the booths and sank into the crowd. I smiled and posed for various pictures as I moved. The downside of local cons was that they normally didn't have a huge amount of cosplayers, so I was a small celebrity just by having a pretty good outfit.

I had almost made it to the back of the merchant floor. Most of the booths had bored me to no end. but I pushed forward and saw Elrod in his officer's costume staring at a prop booth. I pushed through the crowd and slapped him on the back. "Well Brother, I see a fine vendor has caught your eye!"

He shot me a good-hearted glare. "Shut your dumbass persona for a minute. This dude's got some Imperial officer blasters for sale. You think I should grab one?"

I looked at the merchant. He was an older guy flicking through a magazine. He was dressed up like a UNSC marine and had a little plaque on his desk. It read Quartermaster in clear letters. I smiled and looked through his inventory. "Well, I know I'm gonna get that laspistol. You could get the blaster and then we could fake a fight at the fountain, throw out a hat and let the spirit of capitalism pay for dinner tonight."

Elrod smiled. "heck, let's split it with some of the troopers, have a full little war. I think some of the rebels are here too, we could have a weird little alternate universe fight seem to spring out in between panels."

I brought out my wallet and looked to the laspistol, noticing the lack of price point. "Hey boss, you got a price on that laspistol there? Fifth from the top - third - from the left - middle wall."

Elrod spoke up as well. "Yeah, and same for that blaster pistol."

The man lowered his magazine and gave us a warm smile. "Well well well, fresh grunts looking for their toys eh?" Okay, had to hand it to the guy. His quartermaster's voice was great. Annoyed at us talking while also being happy to have something to do. I'd heard that same tone of voice a million times before. "Well, I'd hate to see grunts charge into a battle unarmed and scared." He glanced at my sword and let out a cruel sounding chuckle. "What are you gonna do? Charge a firing line?"

I played along with his act, making the sign of the Aquila. "As the Emperor wills, I shall obey."

The marine let out a much more honest laugh. "Well let's make sure you can at least shoot back eh? Let's say thirty a pop for both. To be honest I was about to break down, been a slow day today."

Me and Elrod looked to each other before digging money out of our wallets. We threw the money at the marine and he chuckled. "Fair enough, gimme half a second." He reached up and pulled both pistols down and laying them down on the table. "Sorry to say there's a catch in all this." Elrod and I both glanced to each other. We didn't want to become drug runners for all this. He saw our glance and raised his hands. "Nothing bad, just a request. Use them frequently alright? I'd hate to see my work gathering dust on my shelf."

We both nodded and scooped up our new guns. We then flashed each other a smile and pointed them at each other. I screamed into the crowd while maintaining eye contact. "YOUR EMPEROR IS AS FALSE YOUR NAME MOFF!"

He caught on quick and threw on a ridiculously bad British accent. "And your outdated religion shows me that you're as foolish as the rebels."

I tightened my fingers, resting my index on the trigger. "YOU DARE BLASPHEME IN FRONT OF AN INQUISITOR! I SHALL END YOU HERE!"

He let out a dry chuckle. Gods for a puny nerd he could really put on a menacing aura. His mustache ruined it though. "If you think you can." We both reveled as a crowd began to form around us. And we ruined it. Caught up in our high of being actors we both fired at each other. And felt a moment of fear as a solid beam of light exited both barrels. Elrods hit me first, crashing into my chest, and knocking me to the floor. As I crashed I heard a hiss as my own beam seared a hole in his chest.

I have no clue how long I was out, but I fluttered open my eyes later. I stared into the sky. A sky completely foreign to me. Bright colors and clouds floated across my vision. I saw a pony moving a cloud over from its place and covering the sun from my eyes. I blinked twice and let out the only statement that accurately conveyed my current situation. "THE FRAK!!??" Did I just say Frak?

*Present*

I shook off my reverie and stared at the sky. A single cloud covered the sun just like all those years ago. The sky disappeared under a solid white arch as I entered Canterlot. I thumbed my pal, making a small Aquila. I whispered a necessary prayer, and sighed out a final verse. "Thank you Blue."

Chapter 3

I waited in the carriage until it made a full stop. The ponies pulling the cart seemed unwilling to talk until they reached their destination. That was annoying for many reasons, but mostly because it meant I rarely had cover to stretch out where the noise would be hidden. I finally heard them speak as their rigging was unhooked. "Alright, good work today. Tomorrow we'll run the deliveries, but today we're just gonna be tourists."

I heard soft clops of ponies moving away. "Heck yeah, I heard that Doughnut Joe just added some stuff to his menu, I'm gonna gorge myself." I smiled as the sounds of their walk faded. I was all on my lonesome until tomorrow. Checking the sky I deduced it was about noon. I stretched out and laid down fully on the couch. A quick nap until nightfall and then a stroll to the castle under cover of the night sounded like a wonderful way to spend the evening. I let myself fade off into the realm of dreams.

For half a second before violently waking myself up with a jerk of my head. Luna. Luna could look into dreams. I had almost thrown away a perfectly good advantage for some frakking sack time. I sat for a moment before sighing. Time to go over my options. I could try some minor warpcraft, and risk some form of warp-fuckery, or stay awake and be exhausted for storming a castle. Nope, I was gonna have fun storming the castle. I channeled Hell itself, forcing dark and demonic energies around me. I felt voices calling my name and cast them aside. As the spell settled around me I let out a breath and looked around me. No unseeable demons of hell? Check. Not randomly teleported into an alternate dimension of flames and ice turned into physical beings playing streetfighter? Check. Good enough. I let myself slip into a peaceful sleep with a smile.

I woke up under the soft colors of Twilight. I looked myself over and smiled at another successful nap. I didn't even wake up with an assassin above me this time. I stretched out and hazarded a peek above the high walls of my not so safe-house. Streets clear, and night falling. Yep, this was a good night for running a covert op. I hopped out of the cart and looked at the nearby buildings. Well, palaces would be more accurate. Did the designer decide the whole city had to match the castle? The upside was simple though. Climbing buildings that had more overhangs than any building should is easy. I picked the tallest looking building that wouldn't exhaust me and hauled myself up Ezio style, rolling to the roof in smooth motions. I looked over the town from my elevated position.

Yep, the whole frakking city matched the castle. Luckily I was fairly close. Even more, luckily I didn't see any flyers buzzing the city. This is what we in the business call a lucky break. One you shouldn't question. I wasn't going to and began a rooftop run. Well, I say run. More like a cautious check of every road and slowly hopping when they looked mostly clear. But run sounds so much better. I made it to the castle walls before encountering my first flaw. The buildings weren't close enough to jump to the wall safely. Looking down, either way, I found that this was the same in every direction. Damned intelligent ponies, making it hard to break into the closest useful looking castle.

But they weren't expecting someone like me in their building instructions. I flicked my wrist knife from its sheath and checked the street. The street was still as empty as a hospital in a Nurgle cult. I ran towards the wall knife first. I grunted as my knife cut cleanly through the stone and held. The shear wall didn't allow me any purchase. This was a flaw I wished I had thought of before jumping. I held up my hand and found I was about six inches from being able to grab the edge. I sighed as I dangled from the wall. "Well shit."

I pulled up and down on my knife hand a few times. Nope, I couldn't gain that ground without retracting the blade. Unless I did something painful. See, augmetics are great. They have features you'd never think when you're an inquisitor who lived with a mage for a few years. Most of them are useful and fun. Like pain receptors. It already hurt hanging from my wrist. To reach all the way to that ledge I'd have to swing by purely my wrist up to it. Imagine, if you will, swinging by your wrist. It hurts. And as I swung back and forth I experienced it. Biting my tongue I slid my blade back into my arm and grabbed the ledge. After hauling myself up and over I shook my fake hand. It burned like I had just done something stupid with it. Like swung from a hidden blade to climb a wall.

After a minute of silent swearing and occasional vocal grunts as I worked the soreness out of my fake arm and I began to move through what appeared to be gardens. After a few minutes, I ran into my first guard patrol. I watched in awe as they walked forward at perfect marching cadence, turned ninety degrees, and followed the clear path. I wasn't even hiding when they trotted up. They weren't even looking for an intruder. I stared at them as they trotted on. I moved to a nearby door. If they weren't going to pay attention that was there problem. I had a book to steal.

I looked through the hall, it was a marvel of marble. The walls seemed to rise like towers, the ceiling a mere afterthought. I smiled as I saw arches connecting the walls and ceiling that seemed barely more than a hop and a skip away from each other. I couldn't scale it here, to likely to attract the guards. But if I managed to find a nice hidey-hole I would be making the aerial rounds of the castle.

I walked the corridors trying to keep myself from grumbling. There wasn't a frakking map in this entire castle. I had digressed from actual sneaking to walking normally. The clops of guards were loud enough to be heard a few corridors away, so I just hid when I heard them. Making this top my list of worst covert ops ever. Mostly because it was boring and annoying. I went through another hallway at random and had to dive back behind the corner. A pair of huge doors were maybe thirty meters ahead of me, with a pair of very competent guards on either door. I think they only missed me because they believed I wasn't real. That wouldn't work again. I looked back up to the nice arches. They even curved around the corner in just the right way for an easy jump. I stared down the hallway in a rotten mood. If only something miraculous would happen. Like a lazy window-washer or something.

I stared at the windows in front of me before slapping my head. I had an easy way to fix this. I made a mental note of where I was and made a quick trek to the gardens. Grabbing a rock, I made my way back to the door. I realized when I got there that this probably wasn't the library, but now I was committed. Any big doors had to lead to more information right? I looked at a large stained glass window on the other side of the door hallway. I thumbed my rock and gave it a throw. It sailed through the air in a high arc, crashing into the top of the window. The loud crash hid my rushed footsteps as I ran behind a pillar. I heard the rapid clops of the guards at full gallop, which caused me to smile.

As soon as their hoof-beats seemed past me I ran to the door and opened it. Crashing through and closing it behind me. I smirked as I looked at the closed door of gold. "Smooth as silk." I then turned around and found myself in a throne room. An occupied throne room. I saw Luna sitting her royal rump on the throne and realized a very important fact. I have fucked up now. I ran through a million options, most of which focused on running away. I bit them back after a moment, it was time to stay in character. I stood up at prim and proper attention and fixed one of my cuffs. "One to seek an audience with Princess Luna."

The look on her face alone was worth it. She seemed to be utterly confused at the very fact I was here, let alone I seemed polite. I may have been swearing up a storm in my head, but by the Emperor was I gonna bluff it. "Long time no see." I glanced around the purple and blue hall as I slowly walked up to the throne. "Long enough for a new city and castle anyways. Honestly, it feels almost right seeing the room of a ruler so beautifully decorated instead of that brash armory you used to favor." Holy frak, her mouth was bobbing up and down like a fishing lure. I could see her try to figure out how I possibly knew about that. I let out a breath and smiled wide. "Enough reminiscing though, where is my blade?"

That got a response. Luna finally corraled herself and did a fairly good intimidating glare to boot. Well, as intimidating as a pony can be anyways. It was closer to a three-year-old giving me the stink-eye. "Your blade is out of your reach wretch. My sister and I rid ourselves of it long ago."

I nodded. "Of course you would, but that is not what I asked. Where did you rid yourself of it?"

Luna snorted at me. "I do not remember, 'twas a millennia ago." She then stood, staring me down. The scary part was the calm and conversational tone she used while she spoke. "Though, was it wise to come directly to my throne to ask such a question. While Celestia only disliked you from a purely moral standpoint, I have grown to learn how much I hate you."

I looked at her as deeply as I dared, and then it clicked. In character or not I slumped. "Oh, Lulu. Please tell me you didn't try it. Please tell me you didn't try to do what I do."

She stared at me. "Your spells were so weak. You stated they could destroy the world, but left out the how. If you had told me of the actual dangers inhabiting your accursed magic I might have listened." She paused in front of a banner holding a very familiar coat of arms. "Instead, you just told me not to try it. You said that neither I nor Celestia had the proper mind frame to even summon a light. You challenged every bit of knowledge we had accumulated and told us to let it lie." She then flared her wings as darkness flew from her body, sending the room into utter darkness. I heard her calm voice as if it was right behind me. "A well-laid trap indeed."

I rolled forward, feeling the wind sweep past me from something swinging at where my head had been a moment before. And like that, negotiations broke down. I drew my laspistol and fired a blind shot at where Luna had been. The harsh red light of my shot illuminated the room briefly, allowing me to get the lay of my surroundings. It also told me where the window in the back was from my new position. The shot was nowhere near close to Luna, who seemed to smile at my effort. The smile stopped as I ran towards her throne. I may have been smart enough to found a barely functional nation, but I was not smart enough for this fight. I jumped forward through the pitch black room, nailing the throne with my shin.

I winced at the impact but pushed past it. I rotated on my feet, spinning past the throne with another accompanying burst of air from Luna. I heard her voice calling out like a siren song. "Just sit still a moment ape. I assure you this will be painless." Yeah, and the moon is made of cheese. I bolted for where I assumed the window was and made a leap of faith. Faith decided to reward me as I was thrown through a nice glass window and into a five-story drop. Well, this plan worked wonderfully.

Chapter 4

You can look over your past really quickly as you fall five stories. Of course, it's also an incredibly bad time to think over your mistakes. I could see now that even mentioning the dangers of my warpcraft was a stupid mistake, and with the ground fast approaching I wasn't in a position to think of why. I looked around me, seeing a gargoyle that may be close enough for me to grab. I reached out and grabbed on to the neck of the stone beast. I reached a sudden stop, my arm screaming in pain at my sudden stop. I dangled there for a second and looked down. "Great plan Gregor, just jump out of a freaking mountainside castle and hope you won't fall off the overhang." I glanced down, three more stories of air were below me. I looked up and saw Luna's head looking down at me. I sighed. "Fuck it, I'll probably live." I waved my aug arm at her in a cocky salute before dropping from the gargoyle.

I crossed my arms over my chest and bent my knees. I hit the ground with a solid thump, rolling onto my back. I lay on the grass for a moment before sitting up. Looking around, I found myself in a lawn. The back lawn of an overblown mansion to be exact. I stood up and tried to walk, only to stop and hiss as pain blossomed from my right knee. I caught myself from falling and flexed it a few times. I didn't hear a crackle of broken bones, so I made an educated guess at a sprain and ignored it. I limped around the mansion and made it to the wall. I leaned up against it and checked over my area a bit more closely. I was outside the castle walls if the fact that I could see a street nearby was any guess. I gauged the castles angle and decided I was on the east end of Canterlot, so if I just head south I'll reach that weird destroyed village again. Once I'm there it will just be a matter of meeting up with my hastily made ally, finding something to use as a safe house, and begin trying to dig up my old sword.

I took a limping step forward and moved across the street. I paused in the shadows and waited for the inevitable alarm. It was suspiciously absent after my landing, and in the shadows, I got to see it unfold. A squad of thestral guards seemed to fly out of my broken window, causing me to curse. "Damnation, the only frakking ponies that could possibly see me in the dark." I ducked into an alley and began a quiet limp down the darkened streets of Canterlot.

I made it to the cities outer walls before I was noticed, which is how it always goes honestly. A pair of particularly bright pegasi were flying above the walls and caught a flash of my cape as I ducked into an alley. I knew all this because they couldn't shut up. "I'm telling you Star, I saw something."

I sighed as loudly as possible and sat down beside a wall. I was just going to sit here until they found me and scare them off, it wasn't worth the effort to hide anymore. I heard a more feminine voice speak up. "Yeah, cause I'm sure a monster from beyond the veil sighs like a pony trying to get home after a late-night play. Nah, it's probably just some pony trying to get home and annoyed that we're following him."

I saw my chance and ran with it. I tried to channel my inner grumpy old man. "You two busy-bodies still there. Stop following me, you weirdos." I heard a few muttered sorry's before they flew off. I smiled and looked over my alley. It was covered in graffiti done by colts and fillies being stupid. I read over a few of the better ones. Snapshot has a hair trigger was my favorite I think. I paused over a series of crude sketches. A half-risen sun, a flaming sword, and an arrow straight down. That was my little thieves cant. I'd taught it to all my infiltrators. It meant that around dawn the solar guard patrolled here, but a safe house was nearby. I looked at the straight down arrow and followed it down the wall, and into a disguised sewer grate. By disguised, I meant there was a wooden plank over it. I was almost offended at the shoddy disguise work. I moved it over and lifted the sewer grate up. Sliding it off its rim slightly I jumped onto the ladder below before sliding it back in place.

I slowly descended the ladder while managing not to curse my busted ankle. I considered that a success, so I hopped into the ankle-high water and looked around. A sole torch burned in the tunnel, illuminating a wooden door with a picture on it. The Inquisitorial seal. I smiled as I walked towards it and gave the code-knock. There was a pause as I heard a few shuffles from behind the door. Finally, a voice spoke. "That's an old code."

I shrugged despite the fact the voice couldn't hear me. "Old code for an old agent. It fits."

There was another pause. "So if your an old agent, I assume you know the phrase that matches it."

I smiled. "Of course. The barber-surgeons knock. Shave and a haircut; no legs."

There was another pause. "Honestly we'll have to check the records. That's a really old code, don't know it off the top of my head."

I smiled, that was another code-phrase. I may have turned my whole organization into a bunch of security checks given life. "Of course, check under E"

The door unbolted before me and opened wide. A pony looked me over before his eyes widened. "You sure as Tartarus ain't a member of our group."

I nodded and walked in, I had to play the leader here. "I am not, but I have a claim for safety. I founded this whole order after all."

The stallion laughed. "That's a good one, we've been around as long as Equestria itself."

I simply looked over the room. It was filled with scrolls, like any good info dump. The issue was the fire gem tucked into the central bookshelf was old and cracked. I gestured to it. "Why is your fallback gem cracked? It should have been replaced as quickly as possible."

The stallion looked at the shelf as if confused. "No ponies replaced those things in centuries, they're outdated. We just enchant the shelves to teleport to the main library if the door opens without a codeword."

I stopped and thought about that. It was smart, but the magical strain would be immense. I pushed it aside. "Very well. But yes, I know the order has been around since the beginning of Equestria. Then the founder was beaten and imprisoned by the princesses." I turned and gave the stallion a smile. "I got out early though. So I believe it is time to raise our flag."

The stallion stared at me before his eyes widened. "But... but that would make you..."

I smiled and bowed. "Lord-Inquisitor Gregor Eisenhorn at your service. Now then, let's begin." I moved through the safehouse with a smile. "First up, what is this order, and who runs it."

The stallion began stammering as I explored. "Lord, this is the Ordos Vigilous. I am the head, interrogator captain Silent Eye."

I paused and looked him over. Grey coat, blonde mane. Eyeball cutie mark, not the exact style of interrogator I would pick, but close enough. I nodded. "Fair enough. So why is an interrogator the head of Ordos, I thought I said only Inquisitors would run full Ordos."

At this the stallion paused. "Well Lord, after you fell, the head Inquisitor stated that you would be the last Lord Inquisitor, therefore we couldn't promote any Interrogators to Inquisitor since you stated that they required a Lord's permission. So we added a few interrogator ranks and called it done."

I paused. "The head was Blue Skies right?" He nodded as he began walking through the snake-like corridors. I smiled at her memory. "She was a smart girl. She had her reasons I guess. Now onto the reason for my visit. I need a place to rest and heal, as well as safe passage to Ponyville later. I may have disturbed the Tyranid hive here."

Silent continued walking. "Of course lord. I have a spare room here, as well as a fair few healing kits stored in the back. For passage, I can give you a sewer route, though I doubt you'll enjoy it."

I shrugged as he led to a back door. He opened it to a spartan room. A lone bed sat in the corner, large enough for my frame. I smiled at it while I glanced to the other furnishings. A shower in the corner with a privacy curtain, and a sink. A lone door led to what I assumed was a toilet and mirror. All in all the normal set up for a safe room that I set out. If we were packed the most injured took the bed, the bathroom was the only thing actually separated since ponies are less shy about their bodies than humans. A perfect little room. I glanced at him. "Acceptable work Silent Eye. If you could bring me the medical kit and some fire making equipment I have questions for you."

He nodded. "I shall return in a moment lord. Just give me a moment to hunt it down as well as mark the door."

I gestured towards the door and he left me alone. I sat down on the bed and began checking my leg. All in all, not the worst mission I ever ran.