Maud and Chrysalis Do Stand-Up

Chapters

Chrysalis can't believe she wrote this
Nietzsche Would Love This Act
Lesson Divide-By-Zero
The Heckler
Get Rich Quick
Drag The Queen

Chrysalis can't believe she wrote this

The curtain rose. Maud and Chrysalis were seated across from each other on red lounge chairs, with Maud having a notebook and pen, a suit, a completely unnecessary pair of reading glasses perched on her muzzle, and a hat with a card saying "Press". Chrysalis had no such accoutrements, but simply folded herself up in her chair in a relaxed yet imperious pose.

Maud glanced up from her notebook at Chrysalis with her typical semi-bored expression. "Miss... Chrysalis, right?"

Chrysalis looked offended, holding a hoof up to herself haughtily. "Queen Chrysalis, not 'miss'."

"You no longer have a hive. You aren't the queen of anything."

Snickers went up from the ponies watching.

Chrysalis sniffed disgustedly, as though the pony before her stank. "That does not change my regality."

"This is the stand-up night, Chrysalis. If you want to be called 'queen' without a nation, the drag show is tomorrow evening."

That got both laughter and a few whistles from the ponies, one of whom loudly shouted 'YEAH!', for reasons unknown.

Chrysalis' eyes widened and she leaned forward, lifting a hoof as though to speak conspiratorially, though her voice was quite audible across the venue. "Maud! You said you wouldn't break the fourth wall!"

Maud continued staring at Chrysalis impassively. "And you said you were a Princess of Equestria. It is a vicious and deceptive world we live in."

Chrysalis buried her head in her hooves. "Why did I agree to have you as part of my act again?"

"Because this act can't help but rock with me here."

That one got both laughs and groans out of the audience.

Chrysalis groaned. "Puns? Are you trying to ruin me? I thought ponies were nice!"

"Tell that to Sombra."

"Who?"

"Exactly."

Some chuckles went through the crowd, though the almost psychotic laughter of a PTSD-triggered crystal pony in the back of the room stood out.

Chrysalis sighed. "I think we've gotten off the rails, here."

"Yes, Equestria is good at derailing the plans of villains."

Chrysalis looked wounded. "But I'm not a villain anymore!"

"Exactly."

Laughter rang out through the crowd again, though one pony loudly informed everyone present that reformed changelings look stupid.

"Maud, wasn't this supposed to be an interview?"

"You tell me. You wrote the routine."

Chrysalis frantically waved her hooves. "Don't get into meta-humor! It'll just confuse the audience!"

"I didn't say you did a good job at it."

Chrysalis slumped in her chair while a series of confused-sounding murmurs and a few chuckles passed around the room. A familiar princess' voice announced that she got the joke.

"Just get on with the questions, Maud."

"Fine. 'Queen' Chrysalis, is it true you are now dating Starlight Glimmer?"

Chrysalis looked abashed. "Umm... yes."

"And does Miss Glimmer know you still harbor feelings for Prince Shining Armor?"

Chrysalis recoiled in horror. "What?! What makes you think I have feelings for him?"

"You've been seen attending public events with him, going into and out of his bedchambers, and rumor has it you even have a baby with him."

Confused murmurs went about the room, cut short by somepony yelling 'I KNEW IT!'

Chrysalis blinked slowly. "Are... you talking about Princess Cadance?"

"Yes, your better-known alias."

Laughter went up from the room.

"Alias?! Princess Cadance and I are not the same person!"

"A likely story."

Chrysalis pointed at a snickering Princess Cadance, sitting in the front row. "She's literally right there!"

"Now who's breaking the fourth wall? The answer is you. You are."

Pinkie Pie's voice could faintly be heard objecting that Chrysalis hadn't really broken the fourth wall over the snickers of the ponies.

Chrysalis' eye twitched a few times. "Are there any questions that don't involved wild conspiracy theories?"

"Yes. How long until your current plan to conquer Equestria comes to fruition? Ponies in Ponyville like to schedule their panicked stampedes."

'It's true!' cried out a silver-maned bespectacled mare.

"I'm not planning to conquer Equestria! And I thought we were off of conspiracy theories!"

"You said questions not pertaining to wild conspiracy theories. Most reasonable ponies probably expect you to try at least one more time."

"Oh COME ON! Why are you even letting me roam freely then?"

"It's not like anypony expects you to succeed. That would be even more far-fetched than you being Cadance."

"Hey! I could take over Equestria if I wanted to!"

"You and what army?"

"My army of... oh. Right."

Amidst the laughter, one reformed changeling near the back was waving frantically, yelling 'hey, I'll still follow you!'

"Don't worry, Chrysalis. We'll probably forgive you after your inevitable betrayal; Discord even got away with it twice."

Chrysalis rubbed at her forehead with a hoof while ponies jeered and laughed. Discord folded his arms in the front row, grumbling about how one of those was before he was reformed.

"Why do you ponies get betrayed so often?!"

"It may be because we forgive those who betray us so much."

"But... if you know it's because you forgive those who betray you... why do you..."

Chrysalis eyes bulged more and more as she tried to wrap her head around the situation. Finally she just threw her hooves up in frustration.

"You know what? You ponies are all crazy. And don't talk bad about Discord; I owe him for getting me and Starlight together."

"That brings me to my next question. Will you refrain from using time magic in your inevitable villainous teamup with Starlight and Discord? Ponies are still trying to understand what they're supposed to be mad at Starlight Glimmer for."

Chrysalis glared at Maud for a few, tense seconds before responding. "No promises; we're letting Discord handle planning it, and he's crazy, so."

Nervous chuckles went up from the crowd, except from Discord, who was literally beside himself; both of them were laughing uproariously. 'Me, planning. Really.'

Maud just nodded, jotting a few things down in her notebook. "Last question. If you could have a cutie mark, what would it be?"

Chrysalis, who had started cringing when she heard another question was coming, froze. "Wait, that's it?"

"Answer the question, please."

"But all of your other questions were super weird. This just seems so mundane."

"Are you saying you don't know?"

"No, I... uhh... I guess it would be a cutie mark for magic. I've studied it extensively, and—"

"So your plot to take over Equestria and openly claim Shining Armor involves stealing Twilight's cutie-mark. That explains Starlight's role. Thank you."

Chrysalis leapt to her hooves. "THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER!"

Laughter rang out as the curtain fell. It raised shortly after, and both Chrysalis and Maud took a bow, waving to the ponies.

Near the back of the room, Marble nuzzled into Minuette and murmured, "That was funny, but a little morbid, wasn't it?"

Minuette shrugged with a grin. "What would you expect from a comedy set by Chrysalis?"

Author's Note

I can't believe I wrote this.

Have some damn music.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dTmxOZKUylo

Nietzsche Would Love This Act

The curtain rose. Chrysalis was seated at a schooldesk, propping her bored-looking face up with a hoof, while Maud stood in front of a blackboard with 'The Elements of Harmony - Honesty, Loyalty, Kindness, Generosity, Laughter, Magic' written on it. Maud scooped a ruler off of a desk nearby and gestured at 'Honesty', beginning to speak in an even more bored-sounding voice than usual.

"Honesty is the foundation of all friendships. It—"

Chrysalis shot a hoof up, and Maud gestured to her with the ruler. "Yes?"

"So you mean not lying, right? But it's not lying if I'm in disguise before I even meet them, right?"

Snickers went up from the audience. 'Changelings, am I right?' was heard from somewhere in the back.

Maud stared at Chrysalis for a few moments before responding. "Honesty is about being fair and truthful with somepony. Meeting them under false pretenses isn't honest."

"But it's not not honest, either, so it's okay."

"No, it's dishonest."

"What if I tell them I'm in disguise?"

Maud paused at that. "That... should be okay."

Chrysalis nodded excitedly, perking up from her desk. "Okay, so what I should do is buy one of those pairs of glasses with the nose on it, then wear that over my disguise—"

"No."

Chrysalis pouted. "But you said that was okay!"

"... Explain why you would want to do that."

"Because they'll assume the 'disguise' I am referring to is the, y'know, obvious, fake one. That way I can tell them I'm in disguise and they won't guess what I really am."

Maud stared at Chrysalis for a moment. "That thing you are doing. Stop."

"What thing?"

"Manipulation."

"I don't follow."

Another round of snickers came from the audience while Maud just shook her head.

"If you intentionally make them misunderstand you, it's not honest."

Chrysalis rolled her eyes and sighed haughtily. "First you say I can't omit the truth. Now you're saying I can't tell the truth in a convenient way. You're just going to keep raising the bar until there's no way they won't see through me."

"That would be the idea."

Chrysalis threw her hooves up in frustration. "It's like you want them to know what I really am!"

"I do."

"That's crazy-talk. This element is stupid."

More snickers from the crowd as Maud just shook her head. "Chrysalis, weren't you honest with your changelings?"

Chrysalis shrugged. "I mean, yes, but that was because I was their queen and they were my drones. Honesty was part of the job."

Maud nodded slowly. "Honesty is part of the 'job' for friends, too."

Chrysalis grunted. "Okay, fine. What about the other elements?"

Maud pointed to the next element on the list, 'Loyalty'. "Well, the next is loyalty—"

At that, Chrysalis threw her hoof up again. Maud stared at her for several pensive seconds before pointing at her with the ruler, and Chrysalis immediately chirped up. "Oh, I know this one! Super important in the hive." She shot a pointed look at the changelings in the audience. "Not that everyone remembered that, apparently."

There was a ripple of uncomfortable snickering and shuffling, but Maud didn't even miss a beat. "That just goes to show the importance of loyalty. You know what it's like to lose it."

"So, okay, but how do you figure out who the master is between two ponies? I mean, obviously they'd swear to me, being a queen, but—"

Maud shook her head, rolling her eyes ever so slightly. "Friendship is a balanced relationship."

"Huh?"

Chrysalis looked like Maud had grown a second head, eliciting another few chuckles from the ponies.

"Nopony is the master in a friendship."

"But then who gives the orders?"

"Nopony. Or both. Friends make requests of each other sometimes."

Chrysalis was quiet for a time, stroking her chin with a hoof, and slowly a malevolent smile formed. "So if I have a lot of friends – one might even say an army of friends – I could ask them to do something for me?"

Maud paused, glancing to the audience and back. "You... could, but that's not the point—"

Chrysalis couldn't hear Maud over her maniacal cackling. Maud just waited until she calmed down, and then shook her head.

"I think you've missed the point, Chrysalis. Friends aren't weapons."

Chrysalis rolled her eyes and pointed at Twilight Sparkle in the front row. "Tell that to Miss 'Rainbow Cannon of Doom' over there."

Laughter rippled through the crowd, including Twilight, who yelled 'It's true!'. A cyan pegasus near the edge of the crowd yelled 'This friend is a weapon!'

Maud paused for a few seconds, glanced at the blackboard, and then back to Chrysalis. "... Good point. But the idea is that friendship is about love—"

Chrysalis' eyes lit up. "They're a food source too?!"

Maud smacked a hoof to her face as the curtain fell amidst laughter. It rose again to reveal Chrysalis and Maud standing side by side, and they gave a bow. Near the back, Limestone Pie shook her head, an amused smirk taking hold.

"That explains why she was such a terrible infiltrator, I guess."

Lemon Hearts, seated right next to her, gave her a nudge. "It's just an act. I'm sure she understood how friendship worked, even then."

Limestone looked to Lemon with a quirked eyebrow. "Didn't she react to Thorax finding happiness by trying to, like, kill him or something?"

Lemon froze for a moment. "Oh yeah. Good point."

Author's Note

By popular demand, the weirdest pair in comedy are back for round 2. Have an AMV.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3nlSDxvt6JU

Lesson Divide-By-Zero

The curtain rose. Chrysalis was lying back on a chaise, staring at the ceiling, while Maud sat on an armchair nearby, quill and notepad at the ready. There was a shelf full of psychology textbooks behind them, and a large sign declared that 'the doctor is in'. Maud clicked a button on her wristwatch.

"Okay, Queen Chrysalis, we're ready to begin."

Chrysalis swallowed hard. "I'm not a queen any more. You shouldn't call me that."

"How do you figure that?"

Chrysalis covered her face with a hoof. "I lost my hive. I have no subjects, no one to reign over. Worse, I failed them."

Maud did her best to sound sympathetic, which mostly came out the same way her voice always did. "Chrysalis, you need to stop this negative self-talk. You've hit some bumps in the road, but that doesn't mean you need to think less of yourself."

Chrysalis lowered her hoof and nodded. "Yeah, I... I guess you're right. I need to be forward-thinking."

"Exactly. Think of it less as having lost your hive, and more as being between hives."

Chrysalis glanced at Maud with a puzzled expression. "But I don't have plans to get a new hive."

Maud jotted something down in her notepad. "Not planning for the future is a sign of depression. You need to believe in yourself more."

"What I mean is, my plans don't include getting a hive. Right now I'm focusing on my life, my friends, my marefriend, that sort of thing."

Maud jotted something else down. "That kind of low ambition isn't good for you."

A few snickers went up from the crowd. The same changeling from a previous night yelled 'We believe in you, Chrysalis!'

Chrysalis just shook her head. "It's not that I'm not ambitious! I just have... different ambitions now."

"What are those ambitions?"

"Well... I want to integrate better with the society I'm in, now. Maybe even try to mend the fence with Thorax. Put things in order."

Maud nodded passively. "Good. Earning their trust should make it much easier to overthrow them in the future."

Chrysalis looked shocked while more chuckles erupted from the audience. Discord's voice carried over them, saying 'It's true. It's sadly, sadly true.'

"But I don't want to overthrow anypony!"

"We really need to work past this defeatism of yours, Chrysalis. Just because you failed before doesn't mean you can't succeed now. Aim high. Believe in yourself."

"But I'd be betraying my friends!"

"Not if you convince them to help you."

"They would never!"

"There's that negativity again."

Chrysalis gaped. Laughter went around the room, and Starlight cupped her mouth and shouted, 'I'll have your back!', eliciting looks of shock and nervous chuckles from a few.

"You can't seriously be telling me you want me to take over Equestria."

Maud paused. "I am legally required to tell you that I do not endorse or encourage illegal behavior."

Chrysalis sighed, relaxing back into her chaise. "Oh. Well, good. I don't want to do things like that any more."

"I just want you to follow your heart, and live up to your potential."

Chrysalis eyed Maud suspiciously. "Right now, my heart is with my marefriend."

Maud nodded, as passive as ever. "And you want to give her the world, don't you?"

Chrysalis went through a few facial expressions before settling on shock. Another round of chuckles went up, and one princess who was otherwise busy cradling a baby yelled 'Oh, she's got you there! Love-checkmate!'

"I mean, yes, but not literally—"

"Why not? You can do it, Chrysalis. I believe in you."

Somepony yelled 'CHRYSALIS FOR PRINCESS!', causing Chrysalis to facehoof and laugh despite herself for a moment. She shook her head and looked at Maud.

"Your, uh, your vote of confidence is appreciated, but think of all of the ponies who would get hurt."

"Chrysalis, you are going through a tough time in your life. You've been hurt. You need to worry about yourself right now."

"But—!"

Maud held a hoof up, shaking her head. "Learning to take care of yourself first is one of the hardest things, but trust me, everypony who cares about you will be happier if they know you're doing it."

Another round of laughter went up, and one therapist pony was howling. 'It's true, that's exactly what they tell us to say!'

Chrysalis just shook her head, her face slack with disbelief. "So... in order to make my friends happy... I should enslave them?"

Maud cleared her throat slightly. "I cannot explicitly tell you to do something illegal. But I want you to do what you think is best for you. And—"

"No! I won't do it!"

Maud just nodded. "Okay. I am diagnosing you with Fluttershy Syndrome; excessive kindness at your own expense."

Chrysalis sat up and made a 'are you bucking serious' face while more laughs went up. A certain yellow pegasus buried her head in her hooves. 'I've gotten better about that...'

"That's a real disorder?"

"It is very common among ponies."

Chrysalis stared for a second. "Huh. I guess I should have figured."

There was an awkward silence as they stared at each other. Chrysalis scratched the back of her neck. "So, uhh... they make pills for that?"

"We make pills for everything."

The curtain fell to snickers. The therapist-pony was beating her head against the table laughing, and yelled, 'Why do ponies always ask for pills?!'

The curtain rose, and Chrysalis and Maud stood side by side, bowing. Meanwhile, a certain changeling in the back of the room was pondering how to sneak some of those pills into the hive's meals...

Author's Note

The plot thickens. But don't judge; Chrysalis is adjusting to a more nutrient-rich environment, that's all.

Thanks, Nyronus.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JOY69M6-f5I

Also, get it? Someone uses Lesson Zero to justify Chrysalis enslaving Equestria. So it's Lesson Divide-By-Zero because it's so insane. I am a literary genius.

Okay I'll just show myself out now.

The Heckler

The curtain rose. Maud stood behind a simple microphone on a blank stage, alone. She gently cleared her throat, while murmurs went through the audience.

'Where's Chrysalis?'

'Wait, there's no props. What's going on?'

Maud gently tapped the microphone, causing slight feedback. "Testing. Good. What do you call it when Discord gets turned to stone while crying?"

The room went quiet and waited expectantly.

"Discord getting sedimental."

Groans and facehoofs went through the crowd. One particular changeling ex-queen threw back her hood and scoffed, waving a hoof irritably at Maud.

"We get it. You like rocks, because they're grey and dull, just like you."

Shocked and offended gasps went through the crowd, but Maud just fixed Chrysalis with the same half-lidded stare she had kept all along.

"I do like rocks, but even I wouldn't be foolish enough to base my entire kingdom's security system on a single fragile rock remaining unbroken."

Chrysalis just rolled her eyes. "Oh yeah? What do you call the Crystal Heart?"

"Many things. 'An accident waiting to happen' and 'somepony else's problem', mostly."

A few crystal ponies in the audience cringed while the rest of the audience snickered. Chrysalis rolled her eyes.

"I mean, my hive may have relied on a rock, but at least it wasn't one that got shattered by an infant, or relied on an entire kingdom of ponies to remain calm and upbeat during an emergency. Ponies! Really! I mean, am I the only one who heard about how Ponyville reacted when a zebra came to town? Who came up with a pony-chill-based security system?"

The native Ponyvilleans ducked their heads amidst laughter now. From the back came the comment, 'Once I was scorned by the whole town, it seems you shall never live it down.'

Maud shook her head gently. "If you can't be quiet during my performance, I'll have to ask security to see you out."

Chrysalis smiled malevolently. "Oh, I wouldn't do that if I were you. When I rule Equestria, I'll make you regret it."

Confused and concerned looks and murmurs were traded between some of the audience, wondering if Chrysalis was being serious, and whether this was part of the act.

Maud rolled her eyes – slowly and dispassionately. "You couldn't rule Equestria, even if the princesses handed the throne to you right now."

Chrysalis snorted. "Running Equestria's not that hard. I know how your kingdom works."

Maud raised an eyebrow slightly. "Oh?"

"Sure. All I need to do is get a faithful student and let them handle all of the hard work!"

That got some uncomfortable laughter from the audience, except for one rainbow-maned mare, who fell out of her chair pealing with mirth. Maud shook her head.

"It's not that simple. Besides, what if your student gets in trouble?"

Chrysalis rolled her eyes. "Oh, that's easy. You just encourage the student to get students of their own, and then their students bail them out."

Starlight, who was sitting next to Chrysalis, snorted and tried to suppress nervous laughter while a purple alicorn shot an amused glare at both of them.

Maud stared at Chrysalis for a few seconds. "Fine. Anyway." She looked back at the audience. "What do you call an alicorn without wings or a horn?"

Chrysalis stuck a hoof up like a filly in a classroom. "Oh, I know this one! 'Defenseless food source!' "

"No."

Chrysalis quirked an eyebrow. " 'The best kind of alicorn?' "

"No."

Chrysalis huffed in frustration and rubbed her chin. "... Princess Big Mac?"

Uncomfortable snickers turned to genuine mirth at that, as the natives recalled Big Mac's transformation during the Tantabus incident. Mac, for his part, sheepishly waved at a few staring ponies.

Maud groaned slightly. "No. Chrysalis, I thought you were reformed."

Chrysalis gave a noncommittal shrug. "I'm a changeling. We reform all the time. Watch."

Chrysalis suddenly turned into Princess Cadance in a flash of green fire, and stood up on her hind hooves with a goofy expression. "I'm the princess of food!"

Chrysalis changed back and sat down amidst some laughter, especially among the changelings present. One in particular gave an obnoxious whoop, followed by "YEAH!". Cadance, for her part, invented the facewing that day, smacking herself and burying her head in the appendage.

"I meant reformed as in no longer villainous, Chrysalis."

Chrysalis bounced her hoof off of her forehead. "Oh, right! I almost forgot that whole thing where the ponies of Equestria are so forgiving that they'll accept you regardless of your past – y'know, as long as you abandon everything about yourself they find distasteful, intimidating, or inconvenient. One sec."

A green flame flashed around Chrysalis, and now she was pink and white, with over-the-top frills and clown makeup. Maud rolled her eyes.

"You look ridiculous."

"Not any moreso than all of us look reformed, so I don't even care anymore!"

A bit of laughter went up as Chrysalis turned back to normal. Maud quirked an eyebrow.

"This seems like it's starting to get uncomfortably personal for you, Chrysalis."

"You're the one who wrote the script this time, so what's that say about you?"

Maud slipped a small notepad out of her frock and looked it over.

"Says here we continue to argue for a while but you don't change your behavior because you're an incorrigible heel."

Chrysalis triumphantly stood on her hind hooves and puffed out her chest. "True to life, baby!"

The curtain fell amidst more laughter, and Chrysalis walked up onto the stage with a snicker. When the curtain rose, Chrysalis and Maud gave a neat bow together. Chrysalis gave Maud a playful jab in the ribs.

"Made me a total jerk this time, y'know."

"Write what you know."

"Hey!"

Author's Note

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B7UmUX68KtE

Oh Chrysalis

You really do look ridiculous

Get Rich Quick

The curtain rose. Maud and Chrysalis sat across from each other at a table, on which sat a hefty bag of bits. Maud had a calculator in front of her and wore an accountant's visor, while Chrysalis wore a stylish suit and puffed on a cigar.

"I'm tellin' ya, Maud, it's a surefire moneymaker."

"The odds of Sombra coming back again are slim to none, Chrysalis."

Chrysalis quirked an eyebrow. "Wait, are you an accountant or an actuary?"

Confused murmurs went up from the audience.

"Nopony knows what an actuary is, Chrysalis. I'm both."

A sigh went up from Ponyville's actuary – who was not, despite what everyone who entered his office seemed to believe, an accountant.

Chrysalis shrugged. "Fine, but still! You ponies have killed him three – wait, no, four times! It's like a slot machine that always hits jackpot!"

"You can't take out life insurance on a dead pony, Chrysalis."

Laughs went up from the audience, though the purple alicorn in the front row's eyes lit up, as did her horn as she summoned her necromancy and tax-law books.

"Aww..."

Chrysalis puffed on her cigar in disappointment and tapped her chin with her hoof. Then she suddenly sprang up and slammed a hoof on the table.

"I've got it! We can short sell Flim and Flam! They always screw up!"

Maud slowly raised a single eyebrow skeptically, the most expressive she had been all evening. Meanwhile, the alicorn in the front row began feverishly taking notes, while more confused murmurs went through the crowd.

"First, nopony in the audience is going to know what short-selling is. Second, that would require Flim and Flam to sell stocks in the first place, which would be an obvious scam."

"Exactly! They're great at obvious scams! And then we can double-down on it by shorting them!"

That got a few snorts out of the crowd, though the front row was becoming increasingly concerned with a particular princess's behavior instead.

Maud stared at Chrysalis flatly – though that was hardly a departure from the norm. "We'd need to convince them to run that particular scam, and that would make us culpable in their schemes."

Chrysalis harumphed and slinked back, chewing her cigar in irritation. "Well, what about shorting Ponyville insurance companies? I'm sure they're—"

"No one even bothers offering insurance to Ponyville anymore."

The ensuing laughter almost washed out the groan of the mayor. Almost.

"We could open our own insurance firm, and then word things really vaguely so we can weasel out of the contracts!"

"Flim and Flam tried that, Twilight found a loophole that bankrupted them."

The laughter in the room didn't stop Chrysalis' determined surge of ideas.

"We could charge for medical care!"

"Free hospitals."

"Burn them down?"

"But that—"

"After selling them insurance!"

"Chrys—"

"And then we short our own insurance firm! It's brilliant! Brilliant!"

Chuckles in the audience swept around while Maud stared at Chrysalis, who was by now standing triumphantly on her rear hooves, with one forehoof planted firmly on the table.

"Are you sure investment is for you? At this rate you should just rob a bank."

"A bank we insured?"

"What is it with you and insurance?"

"I hear it's an ideal career prospect for villains."

The laughter in the room provided sufficient cover for the one insurance pony in the audience to quietly slip away, knowing the jig was up and it was time to move to the next stage of his evil plans.

"That's... probably true, but don't you think we should focus on more realistic prospects?"

"Not as long as Discord is in town."

"Why can't we just invest in Sweet Apple Acres, or something?"

"Oh, or short-sell them, and then—"

Maud sighed. "Burn all of their apple trees?"

"What? No. Open a banana farm to compete with them."

There were some chuckles as Maud slowly blinked.

"Are... bananas evil, somehow?"

"Uh, no, they're just fruit."

"Okay... that sounds like it might actually—"

"Of course, we'll want to collect all of the banana peels."

Maud groaned. "So we can make ponies trip on them, overfill the hospitals, and open our own? With an insurance scam on the side?"

Chrysalis quirked her head. "No, so we can compost them for our farm. For a pony, you sure have a dark imagination."

Laughter went up as Maud's eye twitched in slow-motion.

"I still don't get why you wouldn't just invest in Sweet Apple Acres at this point."

"Uh, duh, one of their workers is probably going to get married and move away, another's too young, another's too old, and the last one is both a full-time hero and a full-time professor. Sweet Apple Acres is on its way out, obviously!"

The laughter this time was partially overshadowed by the wave of realization that hit the audience. One orange pony pulled down her stetson and started thinking over her life choices.

"Tons of ponies have pitched in to help Sweet Apple Acres stay open before. Never bet against S-A-A, every ponyvillean knows that."

A cheer went up from a particular fruit-based clan of ponies.

"Ugh, fine! Well since you're shooting down all of my cool, edgy ideas, let's hear whatever bland goody-two-shoes investment plan you came up with!"

"Oh, it's simple. Twilight's about to move to Canterlot to rule Equestria, so we just invest in a pony-only school to rival hers, like Flim and Flam did, and really play up the whole other-species-can't-be-trusted racism angle. Once tensions have risen enough, we sweep back into Ponyville and sell security devices to paranoid ponies, and when Winter Wrap-Up is a disaster without her organizational skills we can also make a tidy profit off of temporary animal shelters and 'Sorry your town is still snowed in' hot cocoa. Of course, we'll buy out the local weather team and assign them elsewhere for that time period just to be extra-sure. After all of those disasters we can undermine the mayor, sweep the elections, and then get to the real moneymaker - political graft."

Chrysalis' jaw hung open in silence, as did most of the audience's. It was a couple of beats before she finally managed to speak.

"You're basically shortselling Ponyville itself because Twilight's leaving? I thought ponies were supposed to be nice!"

"Can I get that on record? Could help with the whole racism-campaign thing, especially after the Cozy Glow debacle."

"You're a monster!"

With only the faintest hint of a smile, and still in the same utterly deadpan voice, Maud replied: "Yes, I already mentioned that I am an actuary."

And with that, the curtain fell to laughter, both genuine and nervous. A blue dragon in the front was busy demanding to be told what an actuary was, but no one seemed willing or able to help.

Author's Note

Oh, hello again words, fancy seeing you here after all this time.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wPbHaGsNqlM

Drag The Queen

The curtain rose. Chrysalis was seated at a bar in what looked like a standard pub, while Maud stood behind the counter in a bartending outfit, washing a glass.

Maud shook her head. "Technically, she's a queen."

"Well, if she doesn't want to use that moniker, I think it's only appropriate she keep calling herself 'Princess Twilight.' "

Maud rolled her eyes at a glacial pace. "But she's not sharing power with anypony. It isn't like Luna and Celestia. She should be called a queen."

Chrysalis huffed. "Honestly, what was Celestia thinking? This is the same pony who made the entirety of Ponyville fight over a doll so she wouldn't be late with a friendship report, right?"

A purple alicorn princess-or-queen hid her head in her wings in the front row, though her snickering indicated she took it in better humor than that.

Maud gave a slothful shrug. "That was a long time ago. She's grown a lot since then."

"PFFT! Right! Her name was turned into a verb that means 'unproductively and dramatically freaking out' – the princess of friendship needs better friends, by the way – and she demonstrated that as soon as she was told she was taking over!"

Maud set the glass aside and fixed Chrysalis with a deadpan stare.

"And then her friends got her back on track, and she demonstrated the kind of leadership that proves Celestia made the right choice."

"Right, and are her friends going to always be there for her when she's in charge?"

Maud nodded slowly. "She formed a council of friendship, to help her run Equestria."

Chrysalis leapt to her hooves drunkenly, steadying herself with the stool. "Hah! See?! She is sharing power! Princess!"

"But she still has total power at the end of the day. Queen."

"But she's a mental wreck! Princess!"

Maud stared flatly at Chrysalis. "If that's your criteria for queen, then you don't make the cut either. Queen."

That got a roar of laughter out of the crowd as Chrysalis gasped in offense.

"How dare you?!"

A single eyebrow crawled up Maud's face like a caterpillar.

"What are you going to do about it? Throw a destructive tantrum and prove my point?"

Chrysalis huffed and sat down with her back to Maud, flicking her hair indignantly.

"A queen demands total obedience from her subjects. Princess."

"That's a difference of culture, not rank. Queen."

"A queen lays the eggs for the next generation! Princess!"

"That's a difference of biology. Also, eww."

Chrysalis scoffed. "Racist."

Maud stood like a statue for a moment.

"Worth it. Gross."

Chrysalis frowned, but then eventually nodded.

"Okay, yeah, I'll admit it's pretty gross."

Maud slowly pressed her advantage.

"Think about negotiations with other nations. Thorax is a king—" Chrysalis rolled her eyes at that "—and the hippogriffs have a queen. Even the gryphons know that nations are led by monarchs, even though they don't have one right now. Queen."

"Pfft, you think changing her title is going to make other nations respect the pony that set a bunch of parasprites to 'kill' mode with a simple magical screwup because she's so in awe of her mentor? Total Princess move."

A few post-traumatic stress laughs went up from the Ponyville crowd, and a pink alicorn princess looked in shock at her sister-in-law, who had applied a hoof to her own face with considerable force.

"She still outmaneuvered you at that wedding and got you blasted halfway across Equestria. Like a queen."

'YEAH!' rang out a cry of support for the princess-or-queen. It was the changelings' turn to give off shellshocked laughter.

"Nuh-uh! That was Cadance! Twilight was just a cheerleader for the real leader there, the princess of food. And cheerleading is a total princess move."

Maud blinked slowly. "I think she literally did cheerleading for Rainbow Dash at the Equestria Games at one point."

"See?! Totally a princess!"

"But she also took all of the power of Equestria into herself and fought Tirek to a standstill. Definitely a queen move."

Chrysalis opened her mouth to retort, but then thought about it.

"Okay, yeah, that was pretty queen-y of her. I used to do that with my hive to fight off serious threats."

"See? Queen."

"Yeah, well, she botched her own coronation! Princess!"

"She had a coronation. Two, actually. Queen."

Hoots went up from some of the assembled ponies.

"Yeah?! Well she looks stupid as an alicorn!"

One frazzled pony yelled, 'That's what I've been saying since season three!'

"You look stupid reformed."

"ALL changelings look stupid reformed!"

A universal murmur of agreement washed over the crowd.

"So does that make you a princess?"

"No!"

"See? Queen."

Chrysalis groaned. "They'll let anyone be a queen these days."

Maud nodded slowly. "Hence you being one."

A pink alicorn in the front row just went 'OOOOOH! Snap!'

Chrysalis glared at Maud.

"Bill, please."

The curtain fell to snickers and applause.

Author's Note

The title is the best joke in this entire chapter.