TD Shoots Tirek in the Face

by BronyWriter

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Tirek, Original Character, Comedy, Human, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 6806

Tirek is freed from Tartarus and attacks Equestria. Celestia wants to send Discord to stop it. TD thinks that's a horrible idea, and takes matters into his own hands.

The human TD Powell has been living a quiet life since returning to Equestria after protecting Rarity from the FBI on Earth. Well, as quiet as his life could be after marrying Princess Twilight Sparkle and everything that comes with that. All is going well until one day Tirek attacks.

So TD shoots him in the face.

Repeatedly.

Written by popular demand from comments from With a Little Help from my Alternates

Published 2018-08-02 00:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2018-08-02 00:00:02 UTC

Great Idea, Celestia

I whistled a jaunty tune as I strolled into Golden Oaks Library with a bouquet of flowers in my hand. As expected, Twilight was sitting at her desk reading something or another. She must have been enjoying it, because she smiled and her wings gave a quick, happy little flap. It gave me a smile of my own as I made my way up to my wife. As I get closer, I saw that she had my headphones in her ears and was bobbing her head to the beat and muttering the lyrics of whichever one of my songs she's listening to. It was... pretty darned adorable. From what little I could hear of the music, she was listening to Iron Man by Black Sabbath. Even with the music, she must have heard me approaching, because she took one of the earbuds out of her ear and turned to me with that cute little smile of hers.

"Hai, babe." I extended the flowers to her. "I have something for yuuuuu."

Twilight rolled her eyes but took the flowers in her magic and plucked one of them out of the bouquet to munch on.

"Thanksh." She chewed for a bit and then swallowed before taking the other ear bud out of her ear, wrapping the headphones around the phone and placing it on the desk. "So what's the occasion... um, babe? Our anniversary isn't for another three months."

I scoffed and waved my hand at her. "Twilight, dearest, do I need an occasion to buy my wife some flowers? Besides, they were half off today. And it's the anniversary of the day we started dating."

Twilight raised an eyebrow, a stem sticking out of her mouth, and glanced at a nearby calendar. She slurped up the stem like it was a noodle and shrugged. "Yeah, I guess it is. Huh, forgot about that."

"I could be offended, but you have a lot that you've been working on lately." I maneuvered over to the desk and looked over Twilight's shoulder at the stack of paperwork that it turned out she had been going through. I picked up the top sheet and gave it a cursory glance. "Yeesh. Looks like Celestia has been giving you some more responsibilities."

Twilight groaned and rubbed her temple, a habit she'd picked up from me. "Yeah, but she wouldn't give it to me if she didn't think that I could handle it, right?"

"Probably not, but I'm pretty sure that zoning paperwork for a new restaurant in town isn't something that you want to spend your day with."

Twilight glanced at me and nudged a few of the papers over. "You know, you could help me with this. You actually have some ruling power in Equestria, after all."

I picked up the stack of papers she had given me and sat down at my chair next to the desk. "Yeah, yeah, but you're better at this stuff than I am." I flipped through a few of the pages, trying to make sense of the dense paragraphs and the terrible legal-ese that now made up the majority of mine and my wife's job. I sighed and tossed them back down on the desk. "Sometimes I really do wish that I was still washing Town Hall's windows."

Twilight gave me a small, sad smile and leaned her head against my shoulder. "I know what you mean. Sometimes I wish I was still just the librarian. But we'll figure it out, TD, right?"

"Of course we will. We've been through too much, both by ourselves and together, to not make it through whatever life throws at us." I smiled at Twilight and put my arm around her shoulder. "We can handle some silly paperwork."

"Good, then you can handle these." Twilight lit up her horn and shoved the papers she'd put in front of me on my chest. "Because we actually need to get this done soon. I have court tomorrow and I need to be prepared!"

"God forbid you aren't prepared for something." I took the papers out of her magical aura and picked up on another page. It appeared to be something about two farmers arguing about where a fence should be, and whether a pig that kept hopping across the fence belonged to one party or the other. I sighed and read through a few of the details. It reminded me of how I'd much rather be teaching grade-schoolers. At least they were a little more mature about things.

Gah, I can't believe I'm helping rule a nation, and all because of who I decided to marry. Granted I'd proposed before she ascended, but the point stands. It's not as though I thought I'd have a quiet life after marrying Twilight, this is Ponyville after all, but I thought it would at least be simple. But nope. A few sentences added to a Starswirl spell and now we're both royalty. Technically I could have avoided the responsibilities that came with the title of prince, but, well, for better or for worse, for rich or for poor. Ride or die.

Sometimes I think my life is crazy.

I shook my head and tossed my papers onto the desk before reaching out and rubbing one of Twilight's shoulders. She murmured in enjoyment and leaned her head against me. "So look, we don't have to get all of this done right now, do we? We could..." I ran my hand down her wing, gently sliding two of my fingers down one of the feathers, causing her to tense up a little bit. I smirked and did it again. "Have a little relaxation time beforehand, right? The bracelet is there, waiting for us. We shouldn't disappoint it."

Twilight straightened up and bit her lip, alternating glances at the paperwork and me. "Um... but we really should start preparing for court, and--"

I pressed a finger to her muzzle. "No. It can wait for a bit."

"I mean..." She sighed and leaned her head against me again. "I guess a little break couldn't hurt."

"Of course not." I grinned and scooped her up, throwing her over my shoulder and walking to our bedroom. "And no stopping to take notes on your new human form when I get the bracelet on, got it?"

Twilight groaned and facehooved. "One time. I do that one time and you never let me forget it!"

"It was our honeymoon, Twi, and I'd just gotten it on for the first time!"

"I know, I know, but I was just excited about the prospect of being a human!"

"And I was excited about other things, you know." I paused for a second. "And don't even try to pretend like that was the only time. I've walked in on you wearing it and taking notes."

Twilight groaned again and went limp in my grasp. "I know, I know." She perked up again almost as fast. "But that ended fine, right?"

"Sure did."

We reached our bedroom and I tossed her onto the bed. She giggled and lit her horn, levitating the bracelet over to her and sliding it over her left foreleg. After a quick flash of light, my pony wife had transformed into a ridiculously attractive, yet still fairly adorkable, human woman. I grinned and slid my shirt off, taking a moment to flex for her. She giggled and rolled her eyes, but still waggled a finger at me. I slid onto the bed and climbed on top of her, and she reached down to my pants button...

Just as the door to our room opened.

"SPIKE!" Twilight cried, shoving me off and covering herself up with a bedsheet. "How many times have I told you to knock?"

"I know, I know, I'm sorry," Spike said, covering his eyes with a claw.

"You had better have a really good reason for this, dude," I said, narrowing my eyes at him. Since marrying Twilight, Spike had become more like my nephew of sorts, but I wasn't afraid to use a "dad voice" on him if I needed to.

"Yeah, yeah, sorry, it's just..." Spike scooted closer to the bed, a scroll in his outstretched hand. "It's from Princess Celestia. She said it's urgent!"

"Princess Celestia?" Twilight frowned and took the scroll from Spike. She shifted in bed so that she could read it while still keeping herself covered, and popped open the seal. She took a quick glance at me before unrolling it and scanning the contents. As she read, her eyes became wider and I knew we had just gotten our instructions for the rest of the day. I sighed and put my shirt back on. Just great.

"So what epic quest is she sending us on this time?"

"She isn't saying," Twilight said, rolling the scroll back up and putting it on her bedside table. "She just wants me to come to Canterlot for an urgent meeting. She didn't say anything about you, though."

"Well, that's too bad," I said. "I'm going to be there whether she likes it or not. I have equal power to at least you now."

"I know, I know, but--"

"Twilight, you're my wife. I'm coming with you."

Twilight grimaced and looked back down at the scroll sitting on her bedside table. Finally, after a few moments, she sighed and slid the bracelet back down her arm, transforming back into a pony. She threw the sheets off of her and hopped out of bed, taking a few seconds to stretch her wings out.

"Fine. Fine. Don't be upset if Princess Celestia doesn't want you to do anything, though." I walked over to her side of the bed, which put me in reaching distance for her loving nuzzle on my side. "I just don't want anything bad to happen to you, TD. I know that you want to help me with everything, but I'm not sure of what you could do to stop something like Discord or Sombra."

I shrugged and ran my hand down her mane. "Well, we'll find out if that ever comes up, won't we? Hopefully it's something benign by Celestia's standards, and we can solve it without too much hassle."

"Maybe, but we don't have the Elements of Harmony anymore." Twilight bit her lip nervously as the three of us made out way out of the library. "Things are going to be harder to solve."

I shrugged and took a quick look back into the library where the mysterious box that had appeared once we'd saved Celestia and Luna from the vines rested on a table next to a chalkboard. I turned away and closed the library door behind me. "Eh, maybe so, but you and your friends have been through a lot together, so I'm not totally worried." A confident smile crossed my face and I puffed my chest out a little bit. "Besides, you have me, a guy who charged into a room full of FBI agents guns blazing. I'm sort of a secret weapon, don't you think?"

Twilight smirked and rolled her eyes. "Firstly, it was more like 'gun' blazing, and second, Princess Celestia had a powerful shield spell over you. I think everything would have been okay anyway."

"Which is why it annoyed me a little bit that you didn't let me come with you guys," Spike muttered.

I rolled my eyes at him. "Gee, given that we're talking about armed government agents, I wonder why."

"Hey, I'm sure my scales would have deflected, what did you call them, bullets?"

"And I'm not so sure about that," Twilight grumbled. "It doesn't matter now, though. We have Rarity back and everything is normal in Ponyville again."

Now it was Twilight's turn to get the full brunt of a Powell eye-roll. "Normal? In Ponyville?" I shook my head. "No such thing."

"I mean that there aren't any major disasters for me to deal with!" Twilight said, a twinge of irritation in her voice.

"Except whatever Celestia is asking you for," I pointed out. "There's no way she's just asking for your advice on something." I scowled as a thought crossed my mind. "On that matter, if it's so important, why doesn't she just come here? It would take her seconds."

"Well, it's because..." Twilight stopped in her tracks and a slight frown creased her face. "Because... because she has a lot more responsibilities in Canterlot than I have in Ponyville!" Twilight smiled and began making her way to the train station again. "Yeah, that's it."

I groaned and facepalmed. Sometimes Twilight's hero worship of Celestia could get a little unsettling. She'd almost always listen to Celestia over me, and I'm her husband! Granted, this is a matriarchal society, so I did have a bit of a disadvantage there, but it still hurt when it was apparent that my opinion mattered far less than that of Celestia. Oh well, we were working on it, at least. She had gotten better about that since we got married.

We arrived at the train station just as the train from Canterlot arrived. That suited me just fine, since otherwise Twilight would be hopping up and down like she needed to go to the bathroom, wondering what Celestia was calling us to Canterlot for. We could have had Spike send her something to let her know we were on our way and ask a few more questions, but we had left all of our parchment and ink back at the library, and I sure as heck wasn't going to go back for any.

We quickly entered the train and went straight for the private train car, which thankfully had some beds and was generally more comfortable than the average car. If nothing else we had it to ourselves and could talk in private about whatever royal business we had to attend to. If nothing else we could... wait, no, I'd left the bracelet back at the library, too. And Spike was here. Darn. Eh, Twilight might be too loud anyway.

I exhaled deeply as the train pulled out of the station and leaned back on one of the beds in the car. "Well, it's only five hours to Canterlot, so we have that long to speculate about what Celestia wants from us. Any ideas?"

Twilight bit her lip and her wings fluttered. "I don't know. It's gotta be something really important, right?"

"But not so important that she wants all of the group to come with you, it seems," Spike observed. "Maybe it's not some world-ending threat, but a small thing that we'll forget about tomorrow. Maybe it's urgent like, um, a really bad itch on your back and not like an invading army."

"Yeah, I'm sure that's it," I deadpanned. "But I think Spike's observation about all of you not needing to come has some merit. There might be a really big issue, but not one that needs the A-Team to solve."

"I don't know, guys," Twilight said, her wings fluttering again. "Princess Celestia doesn't call me for emergencies unless it's really important! What i--"

"You know, I'm going to stop you right there, Twilight," I said, clamping down on her muzzle with two of my fingers. I've seen her when she really gets going, and it's not going to help anything here. "Let's wait to panic until after we hear what Celestia has to say. Meanwhile, do a checklist or something. I'm sure you can borrow some parchment and ink and a quill."

Twilight vigorously nodded and shot to her hooves. "Yes, a checklist of everything I might want to ask Celestia about and/or one of my potential questions, comments and concerns. Perfect!" She smiled and walked over to nuzzle me. "Thanks, TD. You always know how to calm me down."

I shrugged and rubbed her shoulder. "Honestly? I don't think you do it to calm yourself. I think you're addicted to the dopamine rush you get when you check off a little box."

Twilight glared at me but didn't comment further, choosing instead to lay down next to me. I wrapped my arm around her and pulled her closer to me. She grunted in vague annoyance, but rolled over and draped her foreleg over my chest.

"I'm not a dopamine addict."

"Totally are."

"Are not."

"Are too," Spike chimed in.

Twilight lifted up her head to glare at him, but he merely shrugged in response. Twilight groaned and laid back down next to me. "Sheesh," she muttered. "You two are insufferable."

I chuckled and ran my hand through her mane. "Oh come on, you know you love us."

Twilight grumbled and nuzzled up to my chest. "Yeah, yeah."

"And hey, I wouldn't worry about whatever it is that Celestia wants to talk to us about. It's probably not too big of a deal. Maybe it's even something good."

"When has Princess Celestia ever called me to Canterlot for something urgent that was also good?" Twilight asked.

"I'm sure there's been something."

"Well, if it does happen, we should make a note of it so that we can refer to it whenever she asks for something like this again, which I'm sure she will," Spike said.

"Not a bad idea," I agreed. "In any case, we have a few hours ahead of us. Let's just relax before we have to do royalty stuff, shall we?"

* * * *

We arrived in Canterlot after a few more hours and were met with a detachment of guards who escorted us straight to the palace. Okay, maybe this wasn't a good thing. That didn't mean it was some thing where we'd have to go save the world, right? Maybe planning for the Grand Galloping Gala wasn't going as well as Celestia wanted.

I doubt that was it, but one can hope.

Once we made it to the palace, we went straight to the throne room where we met Celestia, Luna and Cadance. All five of us? Yeah, that wasn't good. Celestia smiled at us when we came in and walked over to nuzzle Twilight.

"Good afternoon, Twilight. I trust the train ride over went well?"

"Of course, Pri-- uh, Celestia. There were no issues."

"Other than our curiosity of what you've called us here for, of course," I said.

"Ah, yes, of course," Celestia said, nodding to me. Yeah, she's never really gotten used to the idea that I'm her equal in ruling Equestria now. Oh well for her, I suppose.

"It is good that you are here," Luna said, coming alongside Celestia with Cadance. "We have much to discuss."

"No doubt," I said. "So let's get to it, shall we?"

"Twilight, do you remember when Cerberus escaped from his post guarding Tartarus?" Celestia began.

"Yeah, that's a pretty hard thing to forget, Celestia," Twilight said with a sheepish smile. "But that was a few years ago. Why do you bring it up now?"

"Because something escaped when Cerberus was not at his post," Luna said. "An old foe that we had long thought defeated. His name is Tirek, and he is one of the most dangerous threats Equestria has ever faced."

I raised an eyebrow and tilted my head. "Really? What makes him that bad?"

"He feeds off of the magic in ponies," Celestia explained. "He drains them, and in doing so becomes more powerful. If he drains enough ponies, then not even we could stop him."

"He is difficult to face because there is no real defense against his draining," Luna said. "Intelligence is a key weapon against him."

"Okay, so what are we doing talking about it?" I asked. "Why don't all four of you get together and just kick his ass now? He can't be strong enough yet to take on all four of you at once."

"That carries with it some risk," Celestia said. "If during the fight he drains the magic from one of us then he could easily drain the rest of us, and with our combined magic, he would be unstoppable. Besides that, we have no guarantee that he has gathered enough strength to defeat us by himself even before we could fight him."

"So what do you want to do, Celestia?" Twilight asked.

"I have been talking with my sister, and we feel that it might be a good idea to send Discord after him. His magic could--"

"Wait, wait, I'm going to stop you right there," I said, clamping my fingers down on her muzzle. "We're not going to do that. That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard. Just imagine, if you will, that Discord switched sides? What happens if you have to fight both of them?"

"Well, Discord has reformed," Luna said lamely. "He... I do not think that he would fight against the friends he has made in Ponyville."

"That's like betting that the Cleveland Browns are going to win the Super Bowl!" I cried. "I mean, the possibility is there, but there are enough problems that it would be unwise to bet the farm on it! That's the worst possible thing that you could do. Why not get the Light Brigade to just charge at him over and over again?"

"I do not understand any of those references directly, but I believe I see what you are attempting to say," Luna said. "Perhaps we were a little hasty in our plan."

"Ya think?" I sighed and rubbed my temples. "Okay, so here is my idea. The four of you all go and snipe at him in the air with a bunch of powerful spells. Rip his head off or something. Unless he's powerful enough to knock you out of the air, I can't see how that could fail."

Just as Celestia opened her mouth to respond, a guard burst into the room. He skidded to a halt in front of Celestia and bowed low.

"Princess Celestia, I am here to report that Tirek has drained the entire city of Baltimare! From all accounts he is moving to Ponyville next!"

Oh, well that made things a little more difficult.

"We're still not sending Discord after him," I grumbled. "That would be stupid. Really stupid."

"I get it, TD," Celestia said. She frowned and rubbed her jaw thoughtfully for a few moments. "If he has drained an entire city, I do not believe we can risk fighting with him head-on. Your idea of fighting him from the air would be much more difficult with that much magic. We need another way." She turned to Twilight. "Do you still have the box from the Tree of Harmony?"

Twilight nodded. "Yeah, but I've never figured out how to open it! I don't know anything about it."

"It might be wise to return to Ponyville and put all of your energy into opening the box," Celestia said. "It could contain the key to defeating Tirek once and for all!"

Oh for heaven's sake. It was times like this that my fellow rulers annoyed me. Occam's Razor was something that I had been trying to teach them, to very limited success. I get the hesitation in fighting Tirek if he's already drained an entire city, but there had to be something we could do outside of the Hail Mary pass they were trying to pull. If the intel was right, Tirek was heading to Ponyville, which is a place I did not want him to drain. We needed to figure something out and fast. The irritating part was that they weren't likely to listen to me. I may be their equal legally, but as an outsider they had a bias against me, despite my best efforts.

Well, the first thing to do was go back to Ponyville. As I wasn't magical, he couldn't drain anything from me, so I had a slight advantage. It was tempered a bit by the fact that I couldn't really fight back against him unless I...

Ooh.

A nasty grin crossed my face and I turned around and walked out of the throne room while the princesses were talking about what to do with their new problem. Eh, let them. They probably wouldn't appreciate it too much, but I had an idea for taking care of Tirek for good. I saw Spike pacing outside of the throne room and beckoned him over.

"Hey, yeah, so they're probably going to be there for a little while arguing and planning, and I have to get back to Ponyville. So when they're done, let them know that I went back home to do something about Tirek."

"Oh, uh..." Spike frowned and tilted his head. "I guess I can do that. What are you going to do?"

"I'll let you know when I've already done it," I said. "If I tell you then you'll tell Twilight and they'll all try to talk me out of it. I can't have that right now."

"Wait, TD, seriously, what are--"

I walked away from Spike leaving him to imagine what I was going to do. In truth it probably wasn't the greatest idea and would definitely get me in trouble with Twilight and the rest of the princesses, but, eh, if it kept them and the rest of my subjects safe from Tirek for good then whatever. I've been chewed out before.

I didn't have to wait too terribly long for a ride back to Ponyville. We'd been in the palace for so little time that the train we'd arrived on hadn't even left for the return trip. Granted, it left about ten seconds after I'd gotten back on, so I cut it a little closer than I'd like, but I made it, and that's what counted. Now all I had to do was wait around to make it back to Ponyville and hope that I could make it back before Tirek arrived. If I did then things would probably go relatively smoothly.

I spent the train ride back to Ponyville resting on the bed and staring up at the ceiling. I even dozed off once or twice, I think. The time I was awake I spent going over all of the logistics of the plan and thinking of a few different contingencies if Tirek did make it to Ponyville before I did. If I arrived and he was draining everyone and getting more powerful then I'd probably just bow out and let Twilight and Celestia deal with it.

We made it back to Ponyville after a few more hours, and I instantly hopped off of the train and looked around the station. Nopony seemed all that panicked, so it was likely that Tirek wasn't around yet. Good. That made my job a lot easier. I sprinted back to the library, all the while checking my surroundings for any signs of something that might look like a Tirek. Seeing nothing, I rushed into the library.

The first thing I noticed was that the magical box from the Tree of Harmony was missing from its usual spot in the middle of the main room. Hmm. Either Twilight had made it here before me, or this Tirek guy had stolen it. I didn't think the latter was likely, as I doubt he'd be so stealthy, and he'd be more interested in draining the ponies around here than some box. Well, if Twilight had the box, that was a good backup plan in case mine didn't work out.

Which I was pretty sure it would. I didn't doubt that my wife could figure out the box if she really needed to, but I wasn't going to put all of my chips on that when I had a simpler solution.

I went into the guest room and knelt down so that I could look under the bed. I reached out and grabbed the box I'd stored under there. I flipped it open and stared inside of it for a few seconds before reaching in and taking out the gun I'd taken from one of the FBI agents when Rarity and I were captured by them. I'd kept it a secret from Celestia and especially Twilight, as I was pretty sure that they wouldn't care for me having a human weapon in Equestria. Well, I'd kept it around in case I needed it, and now seemed like the time. I slid the magazine out and double checked that it was still fully loaded. Yep, good to go. I checked that the safety was on and put it in my pocket.

Now I just needed to find Tirek.

Turned out I didn't need to look that long. Just as I walked out of the library I heard screams and saw a bunch of ponies running the other way. I picked up my pace and as I reached Town Hall, I finally got my first glimpse of the monster known as Tirek.

He was... I dunno, I guess he looked a little threatening and stuff. He was a Saturday morning cartoon villain, so he couldn't be truly awful, but a red centaur with long horns and an evil expression would be a little off-putting. He was roaring and thumping his chest as half a dozen ponies laid around him, their eyes glazed over and their cutie marks gone. I could see them breathing, so his attack hadn't actually killed them, which was good.

Still, though, I have to admit that it looked a little unsettling. I needed to get this settled now.

"I AM TIREK!" Tirek roared, thumping his chest again. "ALL SHALL KNEEL BEFORE ME!"

Oy.

I cleared my throat as I neared him and raised my hand. "Hey, Tirek? You Tirek? Hi."

Tirek whirled around to face me and his eyes narrowed. "And what do we have here?" He smirked and took a few stomps over to me. He was about half a head taller than me, so not too bad. "I have seen much in my life, but never a being such as you. Who are you?"

"I'm Prince TD Powell," I said, tilting my head in a nod. "I'm one of the rulers of this land."

Tirek's eyes widened for a moment, then his face split into a nasty grin and he rubbed his hands together. "A prince of Equestria? You must have powerful magic to ascend to that title. Celestia's equal if nothing else."

I shrugged. "I mean, yeah, sure, technically. My 'magic' is probably a little different than you're thinking of."

"Ah, new magic to taste." He let out a low, guttural chuckle and took another step toward me. "Stand still, prince. This won't hurt too much."

"Uh-huh."

Tirek's jaw opened wide and I heard him begin sucking in air like he was a Kirby. The ponies around me twitched and groaned as they had no more magic to drain, but I just stood there totally unblinking as Tirek tried to drain me of my magic. I grimaced and crossed my arms in a 'really? Is that the best you can do?' pose, as he kept sucking. I saw his eye twitch and the rushing wind around me slowly faded away. He let out a little gurgle before he couldn't keep it up any longer and stumbled forward with a gasp. he took a few deep breaths before looking back up at me with a glare.

"What are you?" he growled.

I shrugged. "I'm a human. My magic is a little harder to drain."

"Very well." Tirek cracked his neck and a ball of red energy appeared between his horns. "It seems we shall have to battle for supremacy, then. Once I have you broken at my hooves I shall drain you of your magic and be unstoppable!" His grin turned nasty again. "It is better if you give up, human. Accept your fate with quiet dignity and grace."

Oh my gosh he couldn't have put that better.

"Okay, if you say so."

Thus, with all of the quiet dignity and grace I could muster, I took the gun out of my pocket, turned the safety off, and shot Tirek in the face.

The ball of magic between his horns sputtered out as the bullet hole in his forehead began leaking blood. He stared at me with his jaw nearly on the ground and his eyes as wide as dinner plates as though he had no idea what had just happened. He grunted out a few noises and began swaying on his hooves, but he didn't go down.

So I shot him again.

And then again.

And one more time.

Sometimes you have to double-tap twice just to make sure.

With the fourth bullet Tirek collapsed, crashing down on the ground so hard I could feel the vibrations in the ground. Well, that was easy. I walked around him and nudged his body with my foot to see if he'd twitch, but he didn't move. I needed to make sure that he was dead or he'd not mess around with me if he came back. Just straight obliteration. There was only one way for me to be totally sure. I went to his hind legs, lifted one up with my foot, and shot him right in the dick. He didn't move. Well, I guess that settled that.

Before I could do anything else blue whisps of what I assumed to be magic began floating out of him. Dozens, of them at a time. They went into the air and shot off in the direction of what I assume was Baltimare. Thankfully, a few of them went into the ponies lying around me. Instantly their cutie marks returned and their eyes lost the glassy look that they had. Neat. I guess that solved that problem, too. The more magic that came out of Tirek, the smaller he got, to the point where it looked like he was deflating like a balloon. The ponies around me began slowly getting to their hooves, and I fully turned to them with a smile.

"It's alright, everypony. I fixed it. We're all good. Tirek has been defeated."

"TD!"

Oh, right. Figured this would happen.

I turned back around and saw, of all people, Twilight flying toward me with her friends by her side. She was...

Holy cow.

"What in Equestria happened?!" we both said at the same time.

Twilight and her friends looked... different. Their manes had grown out a lot to the point where I was surprised they weren't tripping over them. They each shone like they had rainbows underneath their coats, and... just... sparkles. They were really sparkly. I have to admit, it wasn't a good look for them. None of them were pulling it off.

Twilight landed beside me and stared at Tirek's body in horror. "What. Did. You. Do?"

"I shot Tirek in the face. What did you do?"

"I..." Twilight wheeled around to face me. "What did you shoot him with?"

"With this." I turned the safety back on and held the gun out. "I kept it from when I was back on Earth with Rarity."

"I... I just..." Twilight growled and facehooved as her friends examined Tirek. "I thought Princess Celestia destroyed it!"

"Yeah, she got one, but not the other. I've been keeping it around for this kind of thing."

"And you didn't think it prudent to tell your wife that you had a gun in the house?!"

"I knew you'd get mad and make me get rid of it." I shrugged. "It worked, didn't it?"

Twilight's eye twitched and she bared her teeth. "We were about to handle it," she growled. "We opened the box and were about to defeat Tirek ourselves! I got back to Ponyville before you did!"

"Yeah, I didn't know that and couldn't count on it." I frowned and tilted my head. "How did you open the box anyway?"

"You remember the gifts that we've been getting lately?" Rarity said. "Like my spool of thread from Coco Pommel and the flower from the Breezies?"

I nodded. "Yeah, I remember that. So you used those to open the box?"

"Yeah, they turned into keys when we brought them close," Rainbow Dash said, poking Tirek's body.

"Huh. Cool. Wait, though..." I turned my attention back to Twilight. "What was your key?"

Twilight's rage slowly melted away and an uneasy look crossed her face. She didn't look up at me and cleared her throat. "It's... it's not important, TD. We'll talk about it later. First we need to figure out what to do here!"

"Twilight..." My eyes narrowed and I knelt down next to her. "What was your key?"

"I said that we can talk about it later! We--"

"Twilight, you're avoiding the question. What was it?"

"It's--"

"Twilight, you're--"

"My wedding ring, okay?!" Twilight cried. "There! Now you know! I used my wedding ring to open the box!"

"I..." I blinked slowly and stood back up. "Y-your wedding ring? How would...?" I growled and facepalmed. "I mean, it's just a thing that we can replace, but seriously, where did you even get the idea to use that?"

"I was a little desperate to open the box, TD!" Twilight said, wheeling around to face me with her wings fully flared. "I needed to beat Tirek!"

"I got that, Twi. You can just tell me that. I'm not mad about the ring, more that you didn't want to tell me. I was going to find out about it eventually."

"Like the gun you've been keeping in our home?" Twilight said icily. "When was I going to find out about that?"

"This is so awkward," Rainbow Dash muttered beside us, triggering nods from the rest of them.

"Well, it worked out in the end, didn't it?" I pointed out. "How was I supposed to know you'd suddenly figured out the box you've spent months trying to open with no success? In fact, let's talk about what the box did." I poked at the giant poof that was her mane. "What on Earth happened?"

"It's our powers physically manifesting... or something," Twilight grumbled. "I know it's kind of excessive, but... it is what it is!"

I closed my eyes and groaned, pinching the bridge of my nose. "It is what it is. Right." I opened my eyes and stared at Twilight. "Twilight, honey... I have never been less attracted to you than at this moment. Wow is your new look a disaster."

* * * *

I sighed and fluffed the pillow I'd placed on the couch, trying to find a comfortable spot. Pony couches weren't really designed for humans to lie on, but such was my lot at the moment. In hindsight, it wasn't really a smart comment. Hopefully she wouldn't need to open the box again.

"So, how are you doing?" Spike said beside me. I rolled over and saw him glaring at me with his arms crossed. "You really ticked her off."

"Yeah, yeah," I said with a dismissive wave. "I was just doing what I thought I needed to to stop Tirek."

"Bang up job there, TD," Spike said. "Once Princess Celestia and Princess Luna cleaned up the mess you made, she ranted about the whole thing for an hour. I couldn't get a word in to calm her down. I just had to let her wear herself out."

"Yeah, and I probably shouldn't have made the comment about her looks in the first place. I'll admit it, my bad on that one. Rainbow Dash thought it was pretty funny, though."

"And it's probably going to be a while before she forgets about the gun, too," Spike pointed out. "Expect to hear about that soon."

"I'm sure. It worked, didn't it?"

"You could have at least run the idea by her," Spike pointed out.

"She would have stopped me, and then who knows how much of Ponyville Tirek would have drained? Besides, like I said, neither of us knew that she'd get the box open, and the other princesses weren't sure that they could stop Tirek after he'd drained Baltimare. I knew he wasn't going to drain my magic, so I took a calculated risk."

"Well, I hope it was worth the other four being really mad at you for a little bit."

"Figured that might be the case, but they'll get over it." I paused for a moment as a thought struck me. "So when do you think I'll be allowed off of the couch?"

"Oh, probably a week or two," Spike said. "You really screwed this one up, TD."

With that, Spike climbed the stairs back to his room, but not without one last parting comment.

"Dumbass."

Author's Note

By popular demand from people who read about this in the first chapter of With a Little Help From My Alternates They wanted to read it, so I wrote it. Hope you enjoyed.