85.5: The Talk

by Chemtest

Rating: teen
Tags: Crossover, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Human, Other, Original Character, Comedy, Profanity, Random
Length: 3051

Six of the most important things in the universes take a break, and host a talk show.

Welcome to 85.5 The first universal radio station! And it’s biggest hit, The Talk.

With your hosts, Chem, Raven, Slenderman, Courier, Survior, and Avatar!

Saving universes is a hard buissnes, and sometimes people need rest. So, why not sit down and rest with them on: The Talk.

(If you have any questions you want the crew to awnser, just PM, and your question might be awnsered!)

Published 2018-06-21 23:50:07 UTC
Last updated 2018-11-10 04:43:14 UTC

Introduction!

Raven taps the mic, makeing sure it works, “Welcome, welcome, welcome! Welcome to the first broadcast ever on omniuniversal radio! This is 85.5: The Talk, thank you all for tuning in. Here with your hosts, Ravens Breath!”

The others all lean in and say their names, “The Courier!”

“Avatar!”

“Chem!”

“Survivor!”

“And last but not least, me, Slenderman!”

A single blast from a trombone plays in the background, “And here with us today is special guest: Survivor’s Discord!”

Discord floats his mic up to him, “Hello Everypony, and every human! It is indeed I, Discord, Lord of Chaos! Of corse, I’m only the one from Survivor’s universe.”

Raven holds his mic up with a skeletal hand, “It is good to have you on the show, Discord.”

“Oh, please, it’s my honor to appear on the first broadcast. Especially when Survivor is one of the hosts, and it’s basically just me hanging with friends.”

Slendy holds his mic up with a tentical, “So, Raven, what’s the topic today?”

Raven looks over at Slendy, “Glad you asked, Slendy. Today, we’re awnsering questions from Discord!”

A round of applause is in the background, “Oh, moi? Why, I’m honored!”

Chem floats his mic up, “So, Discord, what do you wish to ask us?”

Discord leans back in his chair, “Hmm, yes, what should I ask?” He snaps, “Oh, I know!” He leans back inwards, “Why don’t we hear about your first experiences with the Heat?”

Survivor jerks his head to look at Discord, “The Heat!? You want us to talk about that!?”

Raven joins Survivor, “Yeah, I mean, that was traumatic! And I am older than the world itself!”

Slendy shudders, “My tenticals were... defiled... they are no longer pure.”

The other three wear confused looks, “What’s the Heat?”

Discord snaps, and ponts over at them, “See! They don’t even know what it is!”

Survivor looks at them, “You don’t know what the Heat is?”

They all shake their heads no.

Raven looks at the others, “Guys, we can save them from that!”

Discord puts on a smile, and leans forward, “And imagine how many listeners might not have experienced it. You could save a lot of helpless stallions.”

Slendy looks between the other two, “We have to share our stories, for the greater good. To protect those who are innocent!”

Discord nods rapidly, “Yes! To save all those out there! I mean, we’re all males here, let’s exchange our war stories!”

Survivor sighs, “Fine, I guess we can... relive those memories. Raven, why don’t you go first?”

Raven’s face drops like he is going through a PTSD flashback, “It was before the war, in fact, it was on my second year there. For those who don’t know, Sweetie and I were dateing back then, now we’re getting married, but that’s beside the point. It started out as a normal spring day, a Monday in fact. Little did I know, this was the day all the mares went into Heat.”

Discord jumps in, “For all out there that don’t know what Heat is, allow me to explain.” He pulls a chalkboard out of nowhere, “See, ponies can only get pregnant when they are in Heat. This means their libido is increased, for the mares. The stallions do not have the same effect happen to them. Yada, yada, basically, the stallion has to either be married or hide if he wants to survive. If a single stallion is unlucky enough to travel out... they never come back the same.”

Raven nods, “Yeah, and their were no other males outside. I wondered why, but decided not to care. I planned to hang out with Sweetie that day, the worst mistake I’ve ever made. This was the first Heat that Sweetie had ever gone through, and a quick warning, the first Heat is the worst, and it is then that they are the scariest. After the first, it becomes slightly better, but that first is something a male never wants to be near.”

Discord snaps some popcorn into existence, “Do tell.”

Raven continues on, “I found her at her house, as usual. I was a bit surprised when Rarity wasn’t there, but she was going through the same thing as well. I eventually found Sweetie in her room... and this is a Teen broadcast, not Mature. Put it simply, I ran, I ran far and as fast as possible. I tried to hide at Apple Bloom’s farm, another mistake when she saw me as well. Scootaloo somehow figured out where I was, and I was running away from three Necromancer mares in Heat.”

Survivor grabs some popcorn, “How did you escape?”

Raven thinks for a bit, “I think I ran for an entire day, then Sombra found me. He saw what was happening, and nearly sacrificed himself to help me. He grabbed me up in smoke form, and we barely managed to fly to the highest tower in Canterlot. Where I saw Luna with a guard and... we flew to another tower and hid up there until the week was over.”

Discord claps, “So, first lesson we’ve learned: don’t go outside, and don’t forget the day it starts. Also, don’t go near those going through it for the first time. How about Slendy beings us the next story.”

Slender shudders, his tentacles unconsciously curleing and uncurling, “Slenderman, the orignal personality, apparently accesed a few of my memories. He manages to take control of the body and... we... we did them like that Japanese stuff. It’s very fuzzy in my mind, because he was in control, I just remember waking up in a pile of mares and stallions alike.”

Discord’s eyes widen, “Well, that’s... interesting? We can’t really learn a lesson from that other than don’t let an alternate personality take over during Heat. Now, how about you, Survivor?”

Survivor’s pain from remembering can be seen through his mask, “I was visiting Ponyville, wich is a mare heavy town. I caught the attention of Twilight, and apparently left the day before it started. When I got back to New Vegas, another mare heavy town, it had already begun, and I managed to baracade myself in my office with the sacrifice of a few brave stallions along the way. When I was done barricadeing myself in, Twilight teleported in.”

Discord laughs as he thinks, “Oh yes, she made you read science textbooks!”

Survivor pulls out his revolver, pointing it at Discord, “Don’t remind me.”

Discord still laughs, “And tell about human inventions!”

Survivor cocks back the hammer, “One last chance!”

Discord doesn’t stop, “And she tought you math!”

“Discord, you bastard!”

*Bang!*

—(Techinical difficulties, please wait.)—

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

—(Technicial-)—

Slendy’s voice cuts back in, “Why is the microphone a potato!”

—(Tech-)—

Chem can be heard in the background, “Why are my potatoes microphones! Fix this Discord!”

—(T-)—

“You’ll never take me alive!”

*Bang!*

“Oh shit, I forgot I can’t die! They’re taking me alive!”

—(Diff-)—

It cuts back in, as it was before, only Discord has a black eye. Survivor picks up his microphone, “Well, that’s all that we’re doing today. This has been 85.5: The Talk.”

Raven picks his up as well, “All viewers are allowed to call in! Just send a question to our sponser, and we’ll awnser it next show! And remember, be careful around Heat week.”

Author's Note

If you want to ask a question to the crew, simply send a PM to me with the question, and it may be featured next time!

Questions of life, and insanity

“Welcome to 85.5: The Talk! This is your host Ravens Breath along with:”

“Survivor!”

“Courier!”

“Avatar!”

“Slenderman!”

“And me, Chem!”

Raven hold the mic up, “And today, we have a new special guest!” A round of applause is in the background, “Presenting... Pony Satan!”

A blast of fire can be heard, “Hahahahhahahahahhhahhahahh! Yes, it is me! Pony Satan, Lord of all Pony Evil! The King of Darkness, the Prince of Lies, the Queen of bargains!”

Chem throws a potato at his head, “Yeah, we get it, you have titles!”

Satan rubs his head where the potato hit, “Well, nice to see you haven’t changed, Chem. Still the same Irish drunkman.”

Raven holds up his mic, “Here today, Pony Satan is to read out questions we got from our viewers!”

Chem makes over exaggerated gasps, “Oh my! Reading! Satan, you’ve gone too far this time!”

Satan laughs, “Yeah, the only words you can read are, w-h-i-s-k-e- and y.”

Chem bangs a hoof on the table, “And I’m proud of that!”

*Bang!*

Survivor fires a shot into the roof, “We only have limited broadcasting time, let’s hurry it along.”

Raven nods, “Yes, Pony Satan, go ahead and read out the first question!”

He holds up a piece of paper, and puts on some glasses. Chem laughs, “You wear glasses!?”

Satan looks over at him, “Lokking at fire and brimstone all day does Hell on the eyes.” He looks back at the paper, “Let’s see... first question is from Shadow Dreamer.”

“And what is this question?”

He looks closer, “Eh, one for Discord that can be asked later. One about how I’m doing?” Satan looks at the microphone, “Quite good, thank you for asking.” Then he looks back, “Ah, here’s one! To Survivor: how many times has someone accidentally punched your beak?”

Survivor unconsciously reaches up and touches the beak, “Well, first was Rainbow Dash, then was Rainbow Dash, then Rainbow Dash did it again, and then five more times. Oh, Discord one time did it when he was drunk. Apparently to remind himself not to say ‘spoilers’ for my life. Then Applejack kicked it one time, in a boxing match.”

Raven looks over, “So only ten times?”

Survivor shrugs, “Well, I did use it as a weapon a few times, but those weren’t an accident or someone punching it.”

Raven gets a thoughtful look on his face, “Would it hurt a lot?”

He nods, “My beak is actually one of the sharpest things in Equestria. And when you put the force of an eighteen year olds headbut, it becomes especially deadly. Why do you ask, Raven, I don’t like that look on your face.”

Raven loses the look, “Well, I need to plan revenge against Blueblood. And that seems like a good idea.”

Survivor just looks back at Satan, “Next question, please?”

Satan looks far down the paper, “To the Courier: on a scale of one to ten, what’s the likelihood someone would go insane from a glimpse into your mind?”

Avatar leans in, “Now this is something I want to hear!”

Courier leans back in his chair, “It depends on who looks. For example, Raven over here has a strong mind for insanity. So he is on a 2. Meanwhile, Avatar and Survivor are more scientific minds that care about logic and sense. They are an 8 or 9.”

Chem leans towards Courier, “What about me?”

“Drunk or not?”

Chem puts out a howling laugh, “Have you ever seen me not drunk?”

Courier thinks for a bit, “Honestly, I say a 5. Chem can be a tiny bit mad, but not in my way. When his drunk mind catches onto what he’s seeing, he could go insane or just give zero fucks.”

Slendy looks over, “Couldn’t help but notice you didn’t mention me.”

Courier snaps as he looks at Slendy, “0, full 0. Slendy has been through shit more brown then me, and I nuked myself! He managed to out-smart an insane opponent, and meditates often. If he saw my mind, he wouldn’t be surprised in the least, and there is no chance he would go insane from it!”

Satan nods, “Alright, last one from this guy. Is no one going to question the grenade chainsaw that doesn’t break?”

Everyone looks at each other, before Slendy speaks up, “We did question it, actually. He just said he built it when he was drunk and high off his ass, and even he didn’t know how it was built. Now we just accept it as existing.”

Satan shrugs, “Alright. Now, from an anonymous caller. Are you all aware your in a story?”

There is a long silence, before all nod. Avatar steps up, “We know that there are creators above us, and that they have their own universe they live in. We also know that the audience that follows us around is from that universe. They may see our universes as writing in a story, but we see it like they see their lives.”

Raven also steps up, “What these people need to realize is that they can be in the same situation. We are made by someone, but we are still alive. Even if we are seen as writing, we still are living breathing beings. For all anyone knows, their entire life could be seen as a story from some higher beings. Meaning they too can be in a story, or be perceived as within one, just like us.”

Survivor also joins in, “We may only be ink and paper, or lines of code to you. But we are still alive, and breathing, and thinking. We see our world the way we do because we were made here, you see it the way you do because you were made outside of it. Just like some beings could view your world.”

Raven cuts in, “Well, after a deep conversation, it would seem we’re out of time! Thanks to our guest, Pony Satan!”

“You’re welcome.”

Courier hops in for the rest, “Remember to privately message our sponsor if you want your questions awnsered!”

Then Slendy jumps in, “That’s all for today. See you next time, leaving you with Subject Three’s favorite song in the world: Living in the Sunshine.”

Author's Note

PM for any questions you want awnsered!

Picking on Raven

The sounds of Morse code and the speaking of multiple different ponies cuts out within an instant.

There, sit six individuals, “This is Raven, here with Survivor, Courier, Slenderman, Avatar, and Chem. We hope you can hear us once more. Universe 001, Spitfire and whomever else may listen. Universe 015, I hope you tune in Eric. Universe 003, hope you returned safe Kendrick and Doctor. Solare in Universe 009, even though you don’t have the tech. Jack, Twilight from Universe 013. Clyde, even Clive from 014. Heavy, Reznov, Wolfram, Ceaser, Mason, wherever you are. For the casual listener who was confused about our hiatus from the talk show, and our seemingly random transmissions, you need worry no longer. The War of the Combine is over, and we have returned!”

Chem burps out really loud, “So, onto so questions, right?”

Slendy nods, “Real polite of you, Chem. Who doesn’t want to hear a burp before they hear any questions?”

Chem takes a swig of drink, “Ah, shut up you suit wearing, blank faced, beautiful bastard you.” He turns to face the others and slurs his words, “All of you as well! Avatar, you historical bender you. Courier, you beautiful bomb loving cunt you. Raven, you bone thin child looking guy. And you Survivor, you Sprit of Humanity looking mothafucka you.”

Survivor sighs, “You’re too drunk for your own good.”

Chem smiles, “Ah, no such thing. Now, onto questions!”

Avatar takes the question box, “I got this.” He pulls one out, “From Ihatehaters1994, for you Raven. Why do you try not to- wait, what?”

Raven tilts his head, “What?”

Avatar reads out the message to himself before bursting out laughing, “W- why didn’t you- hahhaha, it’s just to good. Ugh, come on Avatar, read it out properly. Why did you not try to start a herd with Sweetie, Scootaloo, and Apple Bloom?”

Raven looks back with a dead stare, “What?”

Everyone at the table starts to laugh their asses off. Survivor bangs his fist on the table as he laughs, “It’s too good! It’s too good!”

Everyone, but Raven. He waits for everyone to settle down, “Can I elect not to acknowledge that was even a question to begin with?”

Survivor points right at Raven, “Not an option, not an option at all! We talked about the Heat. We fought side by side and slaughtered hundred of enemies! I remember seeing you a moments away from death without a sign of disgust on your face even as you stared at the Emperor. If you could do that, you can do this.”

He sighs, “Well, it’s simple really. They were my friends, Apple Bloom and Scootaloo were not romantically interested in me. The very idea of a herd is one I disagree with, I’m not a Polygamyist. Add onto that I am older than all of them combined, and it would just seem even more creepy.”

Avatar nods, “They followed up the question with another. When will you and Sweetie have foals?”

Raven takes his head within a skeletal hand, and throws it into the table, “Why am I the one asked these questions!?”

Chem makes a pillow under his head when he tires again, “Hey, no head damage, that’s my job.”

Slendy smiles, “You just got all the fangirls. And I would rather it stay that way. That way, you get all the bad questions. I don’t want to see a question asking what my tentacles can do. Don’t take that as a suggestion.”

Raven grumbles, “I’m not even married yet, why would I plan for a foal? We will have a foal when we have a foal, if at all. I don’t even know if I can make a foal. Oh yeah, speaking of my marriage, I want you all there.”

Slender jumps in, “Oh yeah, Actual Slenderman wants to say that you’re all invited to his wedding as well.”

They all nod, saying sure.

Raven makes sure to say, “And no, that doesn’t mean the audience. Especially if your name is Ihatehaters1994.”

Avatar puts on a shit eating grin, “Well, good thing they have one more question. When will the rest of the CMC have foals?”

Raven throws his head into the pillow Chem summoned, and screams, “Ahhhhhhhhhhh!”

Avatar coughs, “Well, I don’t think Raven will be able to function for a few minutes. Either way, it’s time to sign off. Goodbye everyone, and remember to message the Creator to ask questions!”